UPDATED: As soon as ASU gets back to me I’ll be available for consultations and endorsements. And it will be awesome.

in functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, I am totally overrated, Random Crap

I’m not sure how it happened (I suspect voodoo) but I was somehow magnamed the Distinguished Alumna of 2014 by Angelo State University, my hometown college.  (ASU Magazine clipping at right to prove I’m not just drunk right now.)

It was very flattering but equally baffling, and I spent the weekend pretending to be “distinguished” and hoping that people wouldn’t realize that I am entirely overrated.

I was given my award at a banquet where everyone else being recognized had a legitimate reason for being honored and they were all insanely awesome, professional, and unintentionally intimidating, and I suspected that none of them had ever dug up a corpse or been attacked by their pet turkeys.

It was fancier than my wedding, and there was a live marching band to play us to our seats.

I can't play an instrument but I think I'd be a good band leader because I look good in capes.
Do all marching bands have capes, or is this one especially bad-ass?

I requested “Tusk“, but I don’t think they heard me, or possibly they’re just too young to know who Fleetwood Mac is.

My extended family all turned out, so I had to come up with a suitable speech that I could give in front of my daughter and my granny, so I wrote my speech on my phone while Victor drove us to San Angelo.  Here it is:

“I am so glad to be here tonight to accept my honorary doctorate degree. I never thought this would happen. Until I was driving here, that is, and thought, “I bet if I accept an honorary doctorate at this event they kind of have to give me one. That’s just polite.”

It doesn’t haven’t have to be crazy official. You don’t even have to spell “doctor” correctly, and I will vow to never perform surgery on people without first telling them that I’m an honorary Doctor of Journalism, but that I’m really excited about seeing if I can find their appendix.

This might seem ridiculous but I heard some other college gave Ellen Degeneres an honorary doctorate and my husband was like, “Well, is ASU up to those kinds of standards?” And I said, “Oh, ASU is way better than that crappy college” and I think you could prove me right tonight by making me whatever it is that’s one step above doctor.  I don’t know what that is.  Super-Doctor, maybe?   Major Doctor?  I don’t know.  I’ll leave it up to the board.  You guys are the experts.

I’d like to thank my parents and grandparents for bribing me to go to college with the promise that I’d get whatever money was left in my college fund after I graduated.

If I’d had college math at the time I probably would have realized that there wouldn’t be any money left and that I’d have to rely on grants and scholarships and work to carry me through, but in the end it was worth it. Because 17 years later I stand here before you:  A proud ASU graduate…

A Super-Doctor, at last.”

You can't tell, but that's me at the podium. Trust me. I'm a doctor.
You can’t tell, but that’s me at the podium. Trust me. I’m a doctor.

I was supposed to be in the Homecoming Parade but I said I’d only do it if I could ride on the float with Dominic (our live Ram mascot).  I was told that was impossible, probably because they assumed I’d steal him, and they were right because LOOK AT HIS FACE:

He looks like he'd be fun to drink with.
He’s like if Matthew McConaughey was a sheep.

I refused to ride in the parade unless I was given an equal or better sheep but they weren’t going for it, so I was like, “What if I bring my own sheep?” and they didn’t say no, so I just dressed my kid up as a ram and smuggled her into the bed of the pick-up.  Hailey had never been in a parade before either but you never would have known it and honestly she sort of out-Dominiced Dominic because she had the sweeping, majestic horns and furry coat, and she could throw plastic footballs to kids watching the parade because she has thumbs.  Additionally, she didn’t shit everywhere and that is a big plus as far as I’m concerned.

(Hailey is the one on the right.)
(Hailey’s the one on the right.)

Then I went to the ASU homecoming game because I was told I needed to walk onto the field at half-time to be “recognized” and that sounded a bit awkward, but then when I got there I realized I was supposed to follow the royal homecoming court onto the field.  And let me tell you, if you ever find yourself walking slowly, here-comes-the-bride-style, onto a football field toward a packed stadium of people (and one live sheep) while a marching band plays “You Can Tell Everybody This Is Your Song” and an honor guard makes a bridge of swords for you to walk under, just remember that it could be more awkward.  You could be doing all of that while wearing a sweatshirt and pajama jeans as you follow the thinnest and prettiest girls on campus, who are all wearing strapless ball gowns and glittery jewelry, and one of them just got a tiara and that’s when thought to myself, I suspect a team of unicorns will be by to whisk them away, while a pack of dirty dogs carries me off because that’s the only thing that could make this any more glaringly unbalanced.

It's like turning up for a wedding wearing overalls and then you remember that you're a bridesmaid."
It’s like turning up for a wedding, but you’re wearing overalls for some reason and then you remember that you’re a bridesmaid.

I’m reading all of this and it sounds like it was ridiculously ludicrous, and it was.

But it was also…really lovely.

I kept waiting for someone to realize that they’d made a terrible mistake, but they never did, and I remembered that one of the reasons I’d chosen ASU in the first place was the fact that people there are accepting of anyone…even the girl who never joined a sorority or club, or went to frat parties or football games, or ended up in a single photograph during her time there.  I wish I could have told the terrified college me who hid in libraries and tiptoed through halls that one day I’d go to my first homecoming.  And that that very same weekend I’d aggressively accept a doctorate degree, and ride in a parade with a small, beaming child dressed as a sheep, and walk in the footsteps of (small-town college) royalty while a marching band played Elton John as I limboed under pointy sabers.  Then again, I probably wouldn’t even have believed me.  Honestly, who the hell would?

PS.  Dear ASU Alumni Board/President/King/Vicar:  I went ahead and made this myself because I know you’re very busy.  I’m not sure if it’s totally accurate but it felt right.  Could you forward it to whoever needs to sign it?

my degree

Please rush if possible. My first patient is ready for surgery but his family is giving me static and I think the certificate will help reassure them.  Also, can I get a discount on bulk ether now?   It’s important.  These cat’s tonsils aren’t going to remove themselves.

PPS.  Seriously, thank you ASU, for being a wonderful college for even the dangerously social awkward.  I just saw the video you sent out this morning and it reminded me again that there’s a place for everyone.  Thanks for being my place:

100% of all Super-Doctors approve of this message.  (See?!  Think of the endorsement opportunities alone, ASU.)

Now please hurry up with that certificate so I can start stabbing people legally for a change.

UPDATED (10/15/14):

This morning when I was getting Hailey ready for school I vaguely remembered that I might have sent an email to the President of ASU at 1 o’clock in the morning when my insomnia makes me even more unstable than normal. And apparently I did:

“To: Dr. Brian May

Just a quick thank you for the fabulous and unexpected honor of being named the Distinguished Alumna of the year. This weekend was really amazing and I can’t tell you what it meant to be recognized in the town where I always thought I was invisible at best.

I wrote a quick post about it I thought you might like. Or might hate. Hard to tell.

Ps. I’m just kidding about being given a “super-doctor” degree. But only if by “just kidding” you mean “ridiculously serious and dedicated to making this happen.” The last time I was this focused I was made an official Czar of Texas (true story) and ended up using this power to increase awareness of the awesomeness of Texas and also to overthrow the Government. (But just for one night and the Government was very nice about it because they recognized my valuable political contributions, and also because they didn’t entirely take me seriously since {according to my proclamation} I report to the stray cat that lives at city hall.)

It’s very late so this email might not make much sense but I thought I should mail it off before Tulane reads my post and offers me a Super-Doctorate and things get all awkward.

Hugs,
Jenny”

My husband, Victor, read my email and suggested that thing had already gotten awkward, but my faith in the weird was redeemed moments letter when a response came back from Dr. May, which read simply:

“Super Doctorate is in the mail!!!!”

It’s possibly he’s humoring me, in a “the-check-is-in-the-mail” sort of way, but if I really am getting my Super Doctorate I’m stoked because as a Super-Doctor I would always outrank everyone in the room and so no one would question me when I mispronounced words, or let myself into the lemur house at the zoo. Victor argued that I would actually rank below “Subway Sandwich Artist” because “Super-Doctor” doesn’t really exist. And he might be right, but I countered that”Super-Doctor” doesn’t really exist YET, and that with my Super-Doctorate I will be setting a record for having both the highest and lowest ranking degree to ever come out of ASU, and that’s pretty darn impressive.

Also, if I become a Super-Doctor I can diagnosis everyone as needed. Like if you’re having a terrible day you’d be able to say, “Oh, this? My doctor prescribed this portable margarita machine to help me get through these horrific business meetings. It’s medicinal, I assure you. Please carry on.” Or “I need to take a nap because apparently I’m suffering from ‘An Overabundance of Bad-Assness’ and my doctor says naps are the only thing to keep it from growing to dangerous proportions that might overload my body and make everyone feel terribly inferior to me. Basically I’m taking this medically necessary nap for you, so please keep it down.”

EVERYONE WINS.

I’ll keep you posted.

189 thoughts on “UPDATED: As soon as ASU gets back to me I’ll be available for consultations and endorsements. And it will be awesome.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Angelo State has the proud distinction of being the first hockey game I went to. I went on to attend UAF (Fairbanks, AK) and went to many more hockey games, but ASU has my hockey cherry.

    I enjoyed my time in San Angelo! I found it to be a very charming town.

  3. Congrats! that means we all have to buy your book again so you can have Super-Doctor added to it

  4. So much fun! (I work at a community college and am currently writing a press release about our distinguished alumni. I’m totally going to sneak super-doctor in it.)

  10. You’re aiming way too low. Now that you’re a Doctor, don’t ask for a signed certificate; ask for a T.A.R.D.I.S.

    Congrats, Dr. Lawson!

  12. I think you could totally post a image of a press clipping while drunk so so it doesn’t prove anything. Also, why didn’t you ask for a TARDIS?

    Mazel tov!

  16. As a fellow Rambelle (let’s not discuss how little sense that makes…), congratulations! I miss the breakfast burritos and airport chinese.

  18. I’m sort of disappointed. You should have asked to be The Doctor. And they would have said Doctor Who? Then you could have responded “Exactly.”

  19. Congrats from a fellow alumna! The hill country is nice, but sometimes it feels good to go home: where they call them breakfast BURRITOS and the best Chinese food is at the airport.

  23. Congrats, Jenny!

    Once when I was a paperboy, a customer wrote in to the subscription service raving about what a great paperboy I was. They published his letter alongside my picture in the newsletter they gave to all the paperboys. I don’t know who delivered the newsletter to the paperboys, but if I met him, I would have written him a letter so that he could have had his picture in the newsletter that they give to the boys who deliver the newsletter to the paperboys. Anyway, THAT recognition I received when I was 12 was as close to the Super-Doctorate as I’m going to get.

    I quit delivering papers soon after that newsletter came out because I wanted to go out at the top of my game. Sometimes I feel bad for the paperboy who followed me. I was a goddamned legend.

  26. I lived in San Angelo for ten years and my dream was to go to ASU. But, alas, my dad was Air Force and I ended up in Colorado when I graduated high school, so I went to their version of ASU, UNC. Both schools get confused for bigger, more prestigious schools, and they both are known as “teacher’s” schools, so I didn’t feel overly deprived. Except, UNC doesn’t have kick-ass homecoming mums. Congrats!

  27. That’s fabulous! If anyone ever deserved to be a Super-Doctor, it’s you.

  29. Congratulations Super-Doctor, here is your honorary scrubs, face mask, and scalpel…note they all have “I Shit On Everything” emblazoned on them, because, yeah.

  30. You should tell everyone that you’re THE DOCTOR, the definite article, you might say.
    Paraphrased (stolen) from a Tom Baker speech.

  31. Does that Doctorate come with malpractice insurance or are they making you purchase your own coverage? I bet Super-Doctors have to pay special premiums…

  32. Congratulations, Super-Doctor. We should have an ether party and take out some gallbladders. I’m a medical transcriptionist, so I am totally qualified to advise you during your procedures.

  34. The “just” in the first paragraph? Excellent. “…pack of DIRTY dogs…”? Also excellent.

  35. Congrats! It sounds like it was a blast. I’ve been getting this pain in my side, do you think you could take a look at it?

  36. Clearly your school has the coolest collection of staff and students ever, per the vid! And? BIG congrats, Dr. Bloggess! (they’re sending your TARDIS next week 😉 )

  38. I was trying to come up with something witty yet affirming to say but I’m pretty stuck on how awesome you are. So. You’re awesome. The end.

  39. “Hailey’s the one on the right.”

    I say this a lot but you are incredible. Thank you for your unique way of looking at the world.

  41. If I had know ASU was so great I would have stayed in San Angelo and gone to college there! Congrats Jenny! You deserve all the wonderments bestowed upon you!!!

  42. Congratulations Super Doctor Jenny!
    I have to say, that video is awesome, and I LOVED that none of the people walking by the awkwardly dancing people even paid them any notice.

  43. That is AMAZING that you got recognized! I think my alma mater blatantly ignores me because I write gasp romance novels. Oh, yeah, well I still get into your alumni newsletter, college. There’s no stopping me now! insert evil laughter here

  46. You’re class of nineteen-NINETY-SEVEN?? Good God. I have regrets older than you.

    (Did I mention how proud I am of you??)

  47. That video made me cry with joy. I think I might have a hormone imbalance. I need you to do some surgery on my hormones.

  48. After my tongue-in-cheek comment above (having in tongue-in-cheek-ectomy while typing), I must say that the weekend looked amazing; your daughter is beyond cool; ASU was brilliant to honor you; and I bow to your SPhD degree (especially the entitlements conferred).

    Have you designed your doctoral regalia for future academic gatherings or even upcoming Halloween, no seriously! Have you seen some of the bizarre caps and hoods worn by faculty?

  49. You should be honored. You are one of the funniest people I have ever read – I loved your book and I love your blog. And I love San Angelo. Even though when I was there, you had to drive to the city limits to by alcohol. But I loved the Laundromat that had the bar next door.

  56. I’m from NJ so I hadn’t heard of your school before reading this post. But, thanks to their exceedingly good decision to give you an honorary doctorate, your school is#1 in my mind. Well deserved!

  57. I randomly applied to Angelo State in 1985 and now I’m sad I chose to stay in Colorado.

  58. I love ASU! I recently had to transfer because of a move, but ASU has always held a special place in my heart! Everyone is so accepting and makes even older students feel at home!

  60. The next time Victor tells you you’re wrong you cabin say, “Oh trust me I’m right, I’m a Doctor”

  63. If you are the Doctor, can I be your dangerously awkward companion? You can have a sonic screwdriver. We can travel to distant galaxies and solve crimes and puzzles and such.

  64. I went to ASU! In my freshman year (1981) I was on the events committee, and The Amazing Kreskin (mentalist/psychic) came to do a show. My friend Dyann and I were in charge of driving him to his hotel after the show, and I turned the wrong way down a major street. We were just boppin’ along in my powder-blue Buick (cuz I was cool) and suddenly four lanes of headlights are headed straight for us. We all screamed and I jumped the concrete median into the correct lane. Once we’d stopped screaming and could start to breathe again, my friend Dyann leaned forward from the backseat and tapped Kreskin (in the passenger seat) on his shoulder, and said “You know, you really should have seen that coming”. We dropped him off at his hotel and were still laughing when he slammed his door and ran to the safety of his room. I don’t blame him for being less than good-natured about almost being killed by 18-year old girls in San Angelo, TX. But it’s one of my favorite memories ever.

    1. I need that ram hat everyone in the video is wearing
    2. The girl at 3:10 is my spirit animal
    3. My biggest regret about attending ASU was not attending while the kid from Weird Science was a professor. That might be urban legend, but I swear its true. Or maybe it was the kid from Real Genius. Whatevs. Nerdy kid actor nevber did anything again, became english? history? professor at ASU.
    4. If you get the guys from ASU to issue you your doctorate, excuse me, SUPER doctorate, I will frame it for you.

  67. You most assuredly deserve to be an honorary-ass doctor (note I didn’t say “ass-doctor”) because you help fix people’s souls and hearts — Congratulations!!

  68. Oh, Jenny! You’re way too modest for your own good. Of course you deserve this Super Doctorate! And Hailey is a living doll!

  70. Gosh, now I’m thinking I should have asked for my Master’s degree to include a statement that I could lightly stab mean people. Sure, it is nowhere near a super-doctor certificate…but sometimes a girl just feels stabby, right?

  72. Congrats to the ultimate bad-ass, super doctor, uber doctor, with a great family and a wine habit. You make us all so proud. And more people love you than you’ll ever know. Even those of us who aren’t drunk. You’re my hero(ine). Okay, that last bit was kind of awkward, but the intention was legit.

  73. My high school band uniforms not only had capes, but also plumes on top of the helmets. The mascot might have been the Wildcat but they looked like Big Birds. Congrats on the Super-Doctor status!!

  74. As a mother of three marching band members, they most CERTAINLY know and recognize (and really enjoy playing) Tusk!!!! I think it might be the first thing they teach in band camp, after the fight song.

  75. STOP degrading yourself, you make people laugh, people love to read your book(s), and blog, and they get pleasure and fun, and just a good time out of it…you ARE worth whatever they give you. So stop it.

  78. I went to ASU! For a while, after I flunked out of one semester of UT. But then I discovered beer at ASU (thank you Pike fraternity), and stayed a couple of years but had to sober up, so I left. I went to A&M, where I discovered slightly less beer. But anyway.
    Angelo State was swell and I have very fond memories of the early 80’s there (82 and 83). I was not officially an alumnus of ASU (but I am of A&M, is that right?), but for the two years I was there, it was good times. I am not distinguished at any of the institutions that I attended nor too distinguished after.
    Thank you for the lovely reminder of ASU.

  79. I am thinking that while they love you and all, you Super Doctor you, they also know of your fascination with taxidermy. And Dominic is much cuter as a live mascot than a stuffed one. Pure mascot preservation, that’s what that denial of float riding was:).

  81. You TOTALLY deserve it. I was just thinking about my own school’s mascot and how I think it would be sort of a problem if we had a live cougar in our parade. But our mascot cougar does super cool flips so I think it’s ok to not have a real one.

  84. Congrats on the accomplishment. It took me altogether too, too long to figure out where Angelo State was – and that was after finding the ASU web site.

  85. Everything about this post is spectacular. Your acceptance speech rocks and I love that you walked in with a marching band accompaniment. There’s not enough of that these days. Keep us posted on the cat’s recovery after you remove its tonsils. Sounds sketchy. But I bet it’s the same as that game Operation.

  86. Congratulations! That is totally cool! Also I busted out in laughter at the thought of the band breaking into Tusk.

  88. My wife is enchanted with how deliriously happy Hailey looks, and I have to say, she looks that way in a lot of pictures.
    For a moment my brow was troubled as I pondered, “How is her adult life ever going to measure up to that awesome childhood?” but I suppose it will be because she learned from you that you make awesome things happen by making ridiculously silly demands of the world and let the world deal with it. And by being awesome yourself, so that the radiation of pure awesomeness around you surrounds you with it.
    Now, if I could just learn to do that myself…

  89. @annie, Great story about Kreskin!

    Jenny, I love this tribe of strangelings. I enjoy the comments about as much as I do your original posts.

  90. I’ve been a fan of yours for a few years, but now that I know you’re an ASU grad (me too) and that you are a Wall native (I live and teach in Wall), I’m a bigger fan 🙂

  92. Ok seriously Jenny that was one of the most inspirational posts you have ever written. And now I am way sad that I didn’t go to a college where people dance like that and people walking by DON’T EVEN NOTICE.

  93. Distinguished is easy, all you need is a top hat, cane and monocle. Wait, that’s Mr. Peanut (or Top Cat).

    What do you need with a tiara? I thought that you already had one (or was it a crown?).

    You should have just taken a band cape, and told them it made you look distinguished.

  94. I knew Hailey was the one on the right by the non-Matthew McConaughey eyes. Also, she is pure joy, and he is simply hot. <3 (Heart them both for completely different reasons, why am I explaining this? I don't know.) <3 again (Gah!)

  97. That video makes me want to go to college!!

    And you are definitely NOT overrated!!

  98. I can’t believe we grew up in the same area! I went to ASU before transferring. My family is all still there. Congrats on your degree! You rock!

  100. Um….wear underpants! If you don’t know who I am talking about, I won’t tell you.

  101. Congrats! I hope you enjoy the legal stabbing. Just don’t do it too much. You don’t want it to become some boring old routine. Gotta keep everyone on their toes.

  102. Oh, Jenny! I so want to lightly stab mean people. Thank you for always bringing me joy.

  104. Congratulations, newly minted Super Doctor!! I’d never heard of Angelo State but after having read this and watched that totally awesome video—I would definitely go there if I can ever figure out what I want to be when I grow up!!! (I’m only 53!)

  109. Congrats on the Super-Doctor status – that’s awesome! And I loved that video that ASU posted, my only concern is the whole lice thing. I mean, a lot of different people put on that ram hat. Did they spray it in between? Maybe one of your first gifts as Super Doctor could be to inform them of the complete nightmare that is lice. 🙂

  111. That was just brilliant. I was thoroughly enjoying the post (as always) but then I saw your daughter in the sheep costume.

    I lost it. Full on chuckle breakdown. My coworkers definitely think I’m insane.

  112. Congrats (honorary) Dr. Lawson! 🙂 And I really loved the video – totally had me grinning like something was wrong with me. Thanks for always making me smile. Speaking of smiles, Hailey’s? Well that just lights up the whole damn world now – doesn’t it? Gorgeous!!

  113. Congratulations. Sounds like a wonderful day and loved your speech (not to mention the ram costume of Hailey’s).

  114. Congrats to you!

    Also, I want to be best friends with every one of those “Shake It Off” people!

  117. Thank you for this amusing and splendid story with which to start my morning.

  118. I think that makes you Dr. Strangeling. I guess it’s sort of like Dr. Strangelove, but I’ve never seen that movie to know for sure.
    All of us weirdos are proud of you.
    PS: Your sheep-daughter is much cuter that Dominic. I bet she smells better too.

  119. Congratulations Jenny. You absolutely deserve your Super-Doctorate! But I feel I should point out that you don’t need to be a super-doctor to talk TO horses…

  120. This is just .. FABULOUS! In every single respect, it’s just simply fabulous. I did the snorty-laugh that I almost always do when I read your blog, but even more, if such a thing were possible. Fabulous! x

  121. #######################
    SrDr. Jenny – congratulations!
    #######################

    Frances (#78 above) – you may be a graduate of A&M — but up are an alumna* of UT, ASU & A&M. Phew.

    *Frances with an “e” is the girl version of Francis, right? Because if I’ve got it wrong, you’re an alumnus. I refuse to say “alum” … that’s a bitter substance sometimes used in pickling.

  123. Hate to go all Victor on you, but shouldn’t it be “out-Dominicked” Dominic? “Out-Dominced” sounds like Hailey was being nicer than Dominic …

  124. Once more without the typo (karma, I see you):

    Hate to go all Victor on you, but shouldn’t it be “out-Dominicked” Dominic? “Out-Dominiced” sounds like Hailey was being nicer than Dominic …

  126. Congratulations!! That is perhaps the best doctorate certificate I’ve ever seen (having now seen 2 in my lifetime). You old uni has good taste.

  127. Congratulations Jenny, I’m sure you totally deserve it!! I also noticed that not once did you mention wanting to hide in the bathroom or under your table, so either you omitted it or you felt like doing either – but gave the speech ANYWAYS. You rock. Inspiration is really your middle name, right? 🙂

  128. Congrats! Also, where did you get those horns for Hailey?? I’m asking for a friend…

  130. …ever wish there was an “awkward-alyzer” (kind of like a breathalyzer) for texts and emails written in the excitement of the moment? It would prompt you with: “Sure you want to send this? Seriously?” Did you go to far? I think not. Super – doctorate is in the mail!!!!

  131. I VOLUNTEER TO BE YOUR COMPANION! All doctors need a companion. The good kind at least.

    probably not butt doctors though.

  133. ASU sounds like a wonderful school with a sense of humor. Congratulations, Dr. Lawson! (I bet Victor is just jealous.)

  135. Capes on a band are pretty badass, but my college band wore kilts, so I think we win.

  138. I am so coming to you for all my emotional and mental health concerns, let me know when we can start. I am also open to negotiation of payment, though I would prefer to pay in mediocre crocheted crafts.

  139. Please indicate where the line starts for the portable margarita machine. I can see people actually showing up to my meetings…and if they don’t…who cares?

  140. AWESOME!!!!!!!! (Will you please be my super doctor? I’ve got some serious medical needs for tons of naps.)

  141. Anytime you are asked ANY queston at all, be sure to say, “It’s my professional opinion as a doctor…”. Just ’cause. It won’t make you any friends but it sure will be fun to say.

  144. sammie, I’m so envious. I have a boss throwing a tantrum and suspending me this week for taking a second sick day in 18 months.

  146. My son says Hailey looks more like a Wampa from Star Wars than a Ram….but that is his 11 year old opinion. He also says Wampa’s are cool and outrank the Ram anyway.

  147. Think of the possibilities. You now can clearly toss around your super doctorate degree when Victor disagrees with you and that should trump whatever his point is. Or when anyone disagrees with you really. And you could probably stop ISIS just by telling them you said so. And maybe even appoint a female President into the White House. If not you and with your super doctorate, then who, I ask?

  148. Congratulations! You can be my doctor starting immediately; by the way, I think the medicinal margaritas would probably naturally lead right into that nap you prescribed.

  149. We saw you at the game and were so excited for you! Congratulations on your honor – both real and imagined.

    1. Congrats! Super-doctorates are super rare!
    2. I’m now getting personalized ads for full-sized, realistic, brown-bear adult costumes on my FB account. Damn you, Bloggess! (And thank you.)

  153. Such cute rams! Congratulations, Jenny! I’m sure you’ll get lots of patients, being a super doctor and all. And by the way, I’ve had Amazon bear suit pictures follow me around all over the internet since I checked out the pjs from your last post. I’m kind of wondering what boring shit was there before, guess it was so boring I didn’t notice it. Keep the Amazon links coming!

  154. Congratulations!
    I’m so glad you had this experience, with Victor and Hailey at your side. You are awesome.

  158. You have an amazing way of being hilarious and reminding me that I’m ok too. Plus that I can make my own certificates to remind myself. You deserve all the super doctorates.

  161. You ROCK Jenny! Thank you and your Super-Doctorness for making my day that extra bit more awesome!

  163. Congratulations Jenny! Well deserved. Please let me know if I have to change my bookmark of your site to http://www.thesuperdoctorbloggess.com, Now, can you prescribe something to soothe the pain of squirting vodka and coke out my nose whilst reading this post? (because I was laughing, not because I was playing vodka mixer target practice on the dog or anything)

  164. Everything about this is just so fucking awesome in every single weirdass way.
    I love you Super-Doctor Lawson!! I’m so looking forward to more totally inappropriate (and by that I mean perfectly, outrageously appropriate) diagnoses. Bravo!!!!!

  165. I never really wanted to get a doctorate, or be a writer, but now I desperately want both. I am going to take my medically prescribed margarita machine and re-evaluate my life choices now.

  166. So I can’t decide what I like best about that video… That the only attempt at twerking was near the end and done by a guy, the seeming affinity for sweatpants in public, or the guy at about 1:25 that appears to be wearing ballet shoes. Whatever was happening there, thanks for posting it – it made me smile.

    Apparently, Super-Doctors always know the remedy for the afternoon blahs.

  167. This is seriously one of the best posts you’ve ever written. Congratulations, Super Doctor Lawson.

  168. Wow, that sounds amazing! And well deserved, too. Congratulations.

    PS- you should have worn a ball gown and tiara to the event so then you wouldn’t feel outdressed on the field. I would have!

  172. Also, Jenny, before you say no to Tulane, keep in mind we have lots of lots of Campus Cats who would worship you. Also, New Orleans throws AWESOME parades.

  173. Dear Jenny, Please tell ASU it may be too late. We at Tulane have read your post. May I led the Committee to Award you with the Super-Doctorate? Seriously, we love you here! Love, Meg, Tulane Super-Adjunct and Fixer of Things with Duct Tape, Ph.D.

  174. Dearest Jenny,
    When Tulane calls hold out for the “Super Dooper Doctorate”, you know, since they’re a little late to the party.

  175. Congrats, Super-Doctor Lawson! No one is more deserving. Also, glad the new book will be out soon. A TV show based on your writings will be AWESOME!!!!

  178. Belated congratulations on earning your super doctorate! After I earned my own (slightly less super, and definitely less celebrated) doctorate my friend Annie said she was just going to legally change her first name to Doctor instead of going through all the hard stuff. I wish I’d thought of that.

  179. Congrats!!! I totally love that you explained which ram was Hailey. Also, I now have to admit that I like that Taylor Swift song. Thanks a lot, Dr. Lawson. Do you have an antibiotic or something I can take for it?

  180. Congrats on the Super-Doctorate! About the surgeries…you need to complete your residency first. Fortunately, that only involves watching 8 hours of programming on Discovery Fit&Health. Any combination of “Mystery Diagnosis”, “Untold Stories of the E.R”, or “Monsters Inside Me” will do.

  181. You clearly went to precisely the right school. I can see how you fit in, even if you were invisible. I’m so jealous of you being a Super-Doctor that I’ll have to write to my alma mater and see if they will cough up the goods. (Somehow I doubt it, the University of Michigan is notoriously without a sense of humor). Congratulations!

  182. Well deserved, in my book, and total bollocks on not being able to ride with Dominic. Although, your reasons for Hailey being a better Dominic than Himself are quite valid. Esp in the poo department. I’m so glad that you had a fun weekend!!

    As far as titles, I decided quite a long time ago that I’d never really have a title, so I gave myself one. My self-appointed title is Supreme Ultra Goddess of The Universe. Go ahead, you can ask my family – they all know. I am 100% TOTES LEGIT*.

    *-no endorsements, honoraries, gifts, tiaras, income or recognition has resulted BUT THAT’S OK.

  183. YOU ARE KIDDING ME!! I was in San Angelo that same weekend for my husbands high school reunion. I saw Angelo State, Central High School, and even went to a Bobcats game. The entire time I was thinking about you~LOL! I even met a lady from Wall! I asked her if she knew you, Jenny. She kind of looked at me like I had two heads. 😉

  185. I lived in San Angelo for a few months from July 2005-March 2006 and would have loved to have run into you! Instead I spent all of my time working at the Community Health Club and wondering if Matthew McConaughey would show up anywhere I was.

  186. I went to Angelo State and loved every second of it. I loved the small town charm and the welcoming spirit over everyone. Congrats!

  187. What are these students coming home from? Where have they been? I am not familiar with “Homecoming” as a concept.

  188. Haha congratulations on your super-doctorate. And congratulations on being added to our blog hop as someone’s #blogcrush!

  189. A truncated career working television production, followed by a near decade teaching high school math while wearing my Angelo State shirt every “College T-shirt Day” isn’t enough to be a Distinguished Alumna. Neither is my silly YouTube channel. No worries. It’s not like I’ve given the Alumni Association any membership dues, despite the fact that they still send me the mailers. A belated congratulations on the Honorary Honor!

    From a fellow Ram who didn’t go to the football games, didn’t join a frat (but drank some of their free beer), and generally avoided the camera, but ended up in a few issues of the Ram Page due to persistent journalism friends…

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Remember last week when Hailey graduated from kindergarten?
Last high school dance.
Yesterday I was telling my friends that I have to take Hailey to the Blossom Culp stadium for graduation practice and they looked at me weird bc apparently it’s the “Blossom stadium” and I’ve been saying it wrong for years and I just realized that Blossom Culp was the heroine of Richard Peck book series I loved when I was little and had forgotten existed until now.
When the roles are reversed and your child tells you to go to sleep and then records you for their TikTok.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

Quantum Possum: an inclusive, neurodivergence-affirming graphic novel taking readers on a wacky & frequently sidetracked adventure through Cosmic Bog, helping creatures in need and including everyone in the fun.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

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