“Are cannibals always mermaids?” It’s what we’ve all been wondering. Apparently.

You know when you google something and it autocorrects to EXACTLY what you want?  No, you don’t.  Because that doesn’t happen.

Like when I was trying to figure out if women were ever cannibals, or if it’s more of an all-male profession and Google was all, “I’LL HELP YOU!”

are

First of all, you are not going to guess what I’m googling based on just the word “Are”.  Secondly, who is googling “Are you here?”  What are you expecting as an answer?

Then I kept typing and this happened:

are ca

Google:  “Oh, my bad.  You were looking for something else, obviously.  I’ll just let you finish -WAIT – IS IT, “ARE CARROTS GOOD FOR DOGS?“”

No, Google.  Of course it’s not.  Just.  Stop.   I don’t need your help.

are canGoogle:  “Oops.  Sorry.  I fucked up.  I’ll shut up and – “ARE CANDY CORNS GLUTEN FREE?“”

OMG, stop it, Google.  They aren’t even called “Candy Corns.”  What is wrong with you?

are cannibals h

No.  Just…  I didn’t even mean to type that “H” and you’re all “You know who’s a cannibal?  Hamsters and hillbillies.”  That’s so out of left-field.  Where are you getting your information?

are cannibals al

First off, albinos are not cannibals and why are you even saying that?  Frankly, it’s offensive.  And your fifth suggestion is  “we are all cannibals”.  Because I don’t think we are.  Same for hamsters and hillbillies and albinos.  Just stop making assumptions.

Who is teaching you this?

are cannibals aways

My God, Google.  Who did this to you?

are cannibals always meYou know what, Google?  The first one?  I’ll give you that.  But then you move straight to “Are cannibals always meerkats“.  Is this what you’re doing with your time?  Is this the question you think we’re asking?

Someone hurt you, Google.  Someone hurt you.

 ******************

And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

madebyroundtablecompanies 2

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-awesome:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the fantastic Crumple + Toss. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and you know what that means: a bunch of ugly, lame cards that offer no acceptable sentiment for your special someone! HOORAY!  Crumple + Toss to the rescue!  Even if you want to just tell a friend they rule so hard. No one said we had to sit in front of Netflix with oreos alone, y’all.  (My personal favorite.)

96 thoughts on ““Are cannibals always mermaids?” It’s what we’ve all been wondering. Apparently.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Hamsters and hillbillies…I’m crying! I’m also wondering why you were wondering if women were ever cannibals. Now if you were wondering if meerkats were cannibals, that I could understand because who doesn’t wonder about that?

  2. Well, Google may not be sure that Catholics are Christian, but I can assure you that Hamsters certainly are. I have seen them stage the most stunning Nativity.

  3. Are campers what? Darn you google search.

    And wasn’t Cannibals Are Always On My Mind a song by Willie Nelson.

  4. I try to ask the really BIG questions, like…
    “Will I ever make it as a writer?”
    “Will I ever be as popular/talented as Jenny Lawson?”
    “Who the hell approved the Ant-man trailer?”

  5. I typed in “is google” and the first suggestion is “is google making us stupid?” I have a feeling it’s the other way around, though.

  6. One of my favorite games as a kid was pretending to be a cannibal mermaid at the community pool. Frankly, I’m almost kind of grateful Google is choosing to acknowledge my people.

  7. My comment isn’t google related but an Autocorrect example. It’s my best so far; it happened last week. It changed “existential crisis” to “extra sensual crisis”. Which I’m pretty sure isn’t even a crisis. But if it is, then obviously it’s the best kind to have. Google and Autocorrect are kind of like damaged cousins.

  8. If “candy corns” isn’t right, what is the correct plural? Is it “candies corn” similar to the way “attorneys general” is pluralized?

    (I think the plural of “corn” is “corn” even if it’s candy. I could be wrong. Candy throws everything off. ~ Jenny)

  9. I have hillbilly relatives and all of my cousins are still alive so Google may be more fallible than we realize. Also, I now have an urge to Google meerkats and mermaids and see what I get.

  10. well???? are they alway male or what?!

    (According to google they are mostly meerkats. They didn’t specify a sex. Mermaids are all women though, so maybe it’s fairly split? ~ Jenny

  11. Every albino I’ve ever met has started gnawing on my arm almost immediately. Oh wait, no, that was Mexican Hillbilly Meerkats. Sorry, my bad.

  12. Hamsters are totally cannibals. They’ll eat their own young.

    Humans only think about it. For prolonged periods of time. Like, toddler hood and teen years.

  13. The cards you have in your store on terrible parkers…can you expand on that? Maybe 100 mixed cards for different purposes? At work I made index cards out of clipped phrases and images that I post on my cubicle to warn those of how I’m feeling or the status of my last meeting…(I was just visited by the Finance Division – Bankrupt of sense – send funds immediately!) etc. Any chance you could do a mixed deck of Bloggess cards with phrases other than just the parking? I will gladly buy, and disseminate with justice.

  14. Also, this is an excellent example of why I do not worry much about Artificial Intelligence taking over the world. I really think we are safe for awhile.

  15. This are simply amazing…except that now I have “always on my mind” by Willie Nelson stuck in my head and I’m thinking about the albino hillbilly cannibals and why they are “always on my mind.” That, and the hamsters.

  16. OMG, I have to order that well helloooo spiral notebook. For years my crazy BIL would show up at my house set on 2 acres at the end of a dead end road and never knock on the front door or the kitchen door, but sneak up from the river and holler in the kitchen window, well helloooo and scare the shit out of me. Who the hell does that?

  17. I don’t always pay close attention to the Google predictive search options, but it doesn’t stop there. Even when I’ve carefully typed in my search criteria exactly the way I meant them to be, Google with alarming frequency returns a result set for a search which isn’t the one I typed – sometimes it’s not even close to what I was after. It’s as if Google is too cool to do literal searches anymore, but insists instead upon performing some surreal “interpretive dance” version of my search.

    Okay, yeah – it does give you a link you can click to get the result set for what you did key in, but the impression is distinctly “Whyever would you want to look up THAT, for Pete’s sake? What a weirdo! Here, this one is WAY better.”

  18. Google’s search suggestions are based on the frequency of searches it gets. A significant minority of people actually typed those searches.

    There’s a fascinating thing going on where Google and Siri and all the other computers that try and learn from people discover that there’s no end to how absolutely stupid some people are, and in trying to anticipate the one person who thinks it’s perfectly reasonable to ask Siri when the corngobblers sprout, they mess it up for the rest of us.

  19. I’m reminded of the days where Google would remove words that were too common for your search, leading to this immortal search result: “‘The’ is a common word, and has not been included in your search. ‘Who’ is a common word, and has not been included in your search. No results found.”

  20. I visited cannibals during a school trip (Texas is weird, but the cannibals were in Irian Jaya) and while the women weren’t like stopped from eating the enemy (their particular sect of cannibalism) it wasn’t encouraged. I think you need to look into the Donnet party. I’m sure there were ladies taking nibbles in that group.

  21. Jenny Lawson you are a public service. The Pixel video is blew my mind,too. I’m reading your first book for the second time and my husband always knows because he says a have a special laugh whenever I’m reading the Blogess. I can hardly wait to read your second book for the first time. Thanks so much for being born and sharing your life with us. You are a gift.

  22. I’m somewhat heartened by Linda’s comment about AI NOT taking over the world… but does anyone else find it distressing that Google wants to know if cannibalism is a healthy habit?

    I’ll try not to obsess…

  23. That “Are you here” question points to the existential nature of Google, even if Google does have an unhealthy obsession with rodent-like animals eating each other.

  24. Based on your article, I think you would like to go to YouTube and search for “what if Google was a guy.” No, really, I think you’d like it. Plus I wouldn’t be surprised if meerkats were cannibals…all that perky cuteness has to be hiding something. 😉

  25. I honestly cannot remember the last time I laughed that hard. Bless you, Jenny, I needed that.

  26. Clearly, Google is a cannibal and all of this is a desperate attempt to throw you off the scent.
    What if cannibals WERE all mermaids though? It would certainly explain why no-ones every seen a real one…

  27. I’m pretty sure Willie Nelson would have written that cannabis was always on his mind.

  28. Google must have some sort of word association disorder. I would Google the answer myself but for fear of what I might find…

  29. I tried typing the same thing and got a lot of cannabis sites. What are they saying? That I can’t spell or that I can’t spell because I enjoy cannabis? Why can’t I want to know about cannibals too?

  30. Mexican Hillbilly Cannibals, next on Austin City Limits. Featuring their unique bluegrass/mariachi fusion.

  31. I’m glad someone else pees when they laugh! I gave birth to 4 sarcastic, body-ruining children who always make fun of me because I sometimes don’t know WTF things like “LMAO” and “TTYA” mean (though I do know “WTF” quite well) when they text me so I came up with my own: “PMPL”! Pee my pants laugh! All my gf’s, 45 and older, get it but my snot-nosed teens and twenty/early thirty somethings, just look at me like, “what are you on?” I just tell them they should go out and have a child the old-fashioned way-through fornication and the vaginal canal-and maybe they wouldn’t be such SM’s! (smart asses, not sadomasochists, though that might make them think differently too!)

    I would be honored to have someone promote “PMPL” as the new “lol” for us “pee-ers and dedicate it to all women who have pushed a giant head through their vagina and now can no longer jog, jump on tramps (remember that Jimmy Kimmel thing?!?! totally funny if they did a skit with mothers on tramps), sneeze, cough, etc. without first adhering one of those old fashioned, giant maxi-pads from the 80’s into their pants!

  32. For me, everything I search, no matter how tame or docile, finds me porn. I looked up Starless the other day, looking for a King Crimson album, and found all sorts of anime porn, drawn by someone who had no grasp of human anatomy.

  33. I think the thing with Google is every one of those suggested results are something somebody searched. I could be wrong.

    But freaking “candy corns”, man. corns. Ugh.

  34. I would move over to Bing, however you may get some highly inappropriate pictures that have nothing to do with what you are looking up. Also, I’m added Texts From Jane Eyre to my wish list and I’m unbelievably excited about it. Thank you!

  35. I want to hear the story about why you think all cannibals are men. I mean, I guess I always pictured them as men, but I thought it was often a cultural thing and everyone was in it together.

  36. Daniel Tosh on Google
    I hate you Google. You’ve caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend. She’ll look up anything. “I’m going to look up apples today.” She just hits “A.” It’s like, “Asian Ass Porn” instantly. Google’s like, “I’ll take it from here. I know exactly what you’re looking up. Any time you hit A it’s ‘Asian Ass Porn.’” Google, all I ask is you let her type three letters before you come to such a bold conclusion.

  37. As always, you are awesome. I’m annoyed about google and the albinos thing as albinos are nearly always depicted as evil in pop culture. And they’re usually depicted badly: we’re paler than other people but, due to complete lack of research on the writers’ parts, they’re almost never depicted as vision impaired although albinism and bad eyesight go hand in hand. It’s lack of pigmentation in the retina that causes the bad eyesight, so it’s not a coincidence.

    A friend of mine has the most awesome email signature:

    Knowledge is power. Power corrupts.
    Study hard. Be evil.

    I study hard. That is all.
    [maniacal laughter echoes through the interwebs as the albino disappears in a puff of smoke]

  38. I had an absolutely horrible weekend (starting Saturday night) and this post just made me cry from laughing so hard. Thank you so much.

  39. Proving once again that Google is a Scorpio…. and it was that kid in third grade that hurt us.

  40. First, go read Dream Park by Niven and Barnes. ‘Cause that would’ve answered your question in a truly fabulous way. Afterwards, look up “laughing sickness” on Wikipedia to verify that it’s a real thing.

  41. Google shit like this cracks me up. I get some of the most bizarre Google searches that lead people to my site. It actually gives me funny material to post on my blog. It makes me question humanity, yet simultaneously prompts me to be thankful for all of these weirdos making this world a more entertaining place, not to mention, supplying me with blog material. 🙂 Some seriously deranged people googling some seriously deranged google shit.

  42. Sometimes when I’m doing a Google search, I totally forget what I was searching for because I’m so distracted by the things Google thinks I’m looking for. Yeah, are carrots good for dogs, I wonder? And are campers what? Why does Google leave you hanging like that?? Now what was I doing?

  43. I was recently googling something about cats…and it gave me the following “suggestion”:

    “Can cats float in Michael Phelps?” (I don’t even. I just don’t even.)

  44. Depression stinks. And I even studied psychology in school. I know I need to: 1) Exercise, 2) Balance my diet, 3) do one thing everyday that I enjoy, 4) know that the way I feel isn’t my fault.
    But I CANNOT DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS! I just sit. Blah.

  45. Jenny, you do know Google also uses your own previous searches to make suggestions, yes, it does…:)

  46. This post reminds me of the 1982 song “I eat Cannibals” by Toto Coelo. My dad had this record and I remember listening to it growing up, and wondering why the ladies were wearing trash bags for clothes on the album cover. Shockingly, I remembered most of the words and could sing along when watching this YouTube video. I don’t remember if I ever saw this video on MTV back in the day or not, but this was a fun trip down memory lane today. Enjoy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTvdjlJUO8A

  47. You just made me laugh during a day when I couldn’t even get myself to cry. Of course, by breaking the physical-emotional-expression barrier (please tell me I’m not the only one that has one of these??) everything else came pouring out too, so technically you’ve also caused me to cry an awful lot in the past few minutes, but I needed that too.

    So thank you for being utterly cathartic.

    And you’re welcome for the run-on sentence. It was all I had to give today.

  48. One of the favorite parts of my week is catching up on your blog. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do good with the girl’s shelter fund! You make the world a better place

  49. Is the cannibals always on my mind song idea an oblique reference to zombies or am I extrapolating from insufficient data here… Braaaaaiiins.

  50. Jenny, The tardis post led me to one of the best blogs I have read in a long time matthewhoh.com. I love how the magic of the internet works like that. Thank you so very much for your continued amazingnocity. You bring gifts to my life every time you post.

  51. Well…that explains why I don’t see my neighbors wife anymore. Hillbilly Canibalism. My gaybors will be so happy now. They are always complaining about the white trash hillbillies that live next to us.

  52. Fantastic post. Google is seriously damaged, in a needy, clingy, please oh god let me help you, I really want to help you, kind of way.

  53. I’ve googled “are carrots good for dogs” in the past week. I’m just saying. It’s valid.

  54. Just here to say love when you do these Google things…I do the same every time I enter something wondering what Google will assume..I hate assumptions!!
    Also I hope my local sprouts (it’s across the street so I use them..no other reason).. Has girl scouts selling cookies..also good luck to Haley selling cookies..also please post about how it sucks when computers auto capitalize name brands and it makes everything look professional. Thanks.

  55. mermaidism can, yes, be a genetic malformation, fused legs etc. also possible mermen, similar.

    when Europeans first went down the coast of Africa, they knew to stay away from the cannibal coast. old histories recount that it took brits about 150 years to eliminate cannibalism in the interior.
    plus, early, they thought the farther south they went, the hotter it got, so thus closer to hell.

    some American indian groups were cannibal too, when europeans arrived.

    even the name, from Caribe, caribal, is from Spanish/Columbus recounting Caribbean natives eating each other.

  56. Your use of stream of consciousness is very effective here. I laughed, out loud, for the entire post. The final line “someone hurt you, Google. Someone hurt you” will probably stay with me always. And for that, I thank you.

  57. Although it would be much less interesting, y’all do know you can turn those suggestions off, right?

  58. Hamsters actually are cannibals. They eat their children. LIVE. And the book on hamsters says to try not to stop them.

    In my opinion, hamsters are tiny little awesome fuzzy furry cannibalistic munchkins.

    One of these things is not like the other.

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