Sometimes I want to write something innocuous on Facebook like “Puppy kisses are awesome!” so hundreds of people will click the “like” button, but then go back in and edit that post to say something like “I just made a blanket out of skinned kittens”. And then I’d go into the comments and be like “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? WHY WOULD YOU LIKE THIS? This was a test and you failed. Stop skinning kittens.”
And then I’d write a new Facebook status saying that to clear my head I’d just made a bacon-wrapped mac & cheese burrito, and after getting a bunch of comments like “Sounds delish! Share the recipe!” and “Now I’m starving. I want one!” I’d go back and change that status to “Nothing smells better than a newborn baby”.
Then I’d probably have to stop using Facebook. That might be for the best anyway.
And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- The perfect gift for friends and drunkards.
- As requested, a clipboard for the office. The first side will be hidden under your papers but you’ll know it’s there. The back can be flashed at people who are assholes and need to back off.
- For water. Or whatever.
- Kick-ass stuff I pinned.
- Victor always asks why there’s so much shit on the floor so I made him a video.
- My life story is on a bench on Prague. Life just got weird.
- This book. I cannot recommend it enough if you have a young daughter. Also good for old boys and small cats or whoever else.
Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:
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77 thoughts on “Facebook is evil. Or I am. One of those.”
Read comments below or add one.
The only problem I see with your plan is the little note that will say “edited.”
What other problem could there be?
I’ll be more careful when leaving a comment from now on, just in case you’re tempted.
How about ‘Hug your child today.’ with a later change to ‘Let’s put a bomb on a plane’ – I’d bet you’d get some interesting attention. And so would your commentors who said. “Already did.”
Oh my gosh, your cat knocking shit off the counters made me laugh out loud. And reminded me of the scene in the movie “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” when Steve Martin as Ruprecht knocks everything off the mantle to show his disapproval. Can you get a shot of your cat banging on a pan yelling, “OKLAHOMA! OKLAHOMA! OKLAHOMA!”? Because that would be awesome.
Doooo it….c’mon…do it. You know you want to.
Okay, don’t…the fallout wouldn’t be worth it. It would be funny though. holy hell.
I know. People really care about what you put on your wrap, puppies, & kittens. I know I do! I just adore those adorable kitten videos.
Btw, Is your bacon crispy when you put it on your wrap?!! x
Every other day I could post “I love my husband” followed by “I hate my husband” and then all my FB friends would be as confused as me.
Finally, a legit reason to avoid Facebook — subversives plotting everywhere.
That is genius! The prankster in me says: Do it! Disrupt Facebook.
OH MY GOD I SOMEHOW FORGOT ABOUT YOUR EENSY WEENSY LITTLE DOG
But yeah, fuck Facebook man. I mostly use it for gaming and putting unicorns on my friend’s wall (protip: she hates unicorns)
Also, if I had that tiger head purse, my fiancé would almost definitely not going into public with me if I was carrying it. And I do like having him around.
You have simply the best sense of humour out there. What a great idea. I’d probably post something about saving the whales and then change it to having enjoyed a blubber sandwich 😀
People would probably like those awful statuses without the trickery though, these are your people we are talking about here….
That video of your cat knocking things off of the counter made me laugh for the first time since I heard about Leonard Nimoy’s death. Thank you for that.
One of the most awesome ideas ever… I am now considering this!!!
It’s not you, it’s Facebook, or more to the point, it’s SOME of the people on Facebook, that can’t take things at face value, or want to put their judgements on your actions, opinions, or attitude, reading stuff into it that just plain isn’t there.
That’s why after each time I give in to temptation & go on Facebook, I invariably then deactivate my account pretty soon afterwards.
It seems in my case, I can’t comment, post, or actively participate on Facebook without someone trying to stir up an argument, or make out that I’m offending them, or sometimes receive a torrent of abuse, merely for stating my opinion, relating my experiences, or simply reminiscing though my perspective, which doesn’t always concur with that of others.
The average amount of time I can go on Facebook without someone upsetting me by attacking me, trying to provoke me, or accusing me of saying something offensive is about 2 days, which invariably kicks my depression up several notches, sometimes to the point of getting really bad.
I’d say just steer clear of Facebook, unless you’ve got enough friends that understand you, will support you, & help you fight off the trolls; otherwise it just keeps you on the depression & anxiety roller coaster.
In my case the best option is to just stay off there, & I’m sure I’m not alone in that.
That trick wouldn’t work on me… I don’t use Facebook 😛
Good one though! (I think you may actually have that evil streak- Are we related somehow?)
“Waiter? I clearly ordered the evil streak- yet this is obviously the evil steak!”
“Obviously- Please use the knife provided to protect yourself.”
if you post a picture with it, you’ll get a ton more likes.
No Bear head purse? sheesh.
I think about that ALL THE TIME
I must be the only woman in the United States who isn’t on FB. I honestly don’t care if my high school boyfriend’s current wife got fat.
My son works for Hot Topic and then have those purses and backpacks. There’s a great picture of him and his co-worker/manager standing in the store with them over their heads (Lion version) with the caption “We’re Aslan, Dammit”. Yeah I raised a cool kid. ;).
This is GENIUS. How has this never occurred to me?!?
I do like the way your mind works.
Which makes me a little worried I need therapy.
I love you. If we lived closer together, we could be best friends. I imagine us having adventures like Jane and Dharma in the first season of Dharma and Greg like when they have access to a horse so they decide to dress like Canadian Mounties and go through the drive through on it.
I only use Facebook for other bloggers and news stuff. Like NPR and Distractify, I figure that’s all I need to know.
That cat. OMG. That looks like a really fun game.
I don’t have a tiger head backpack, but I do have an armadillo purse. Her name is Erma.
I have to stop commenting on statuses.
I love your reco on the Prince-less book. We got that for my 11yo daughter for Christmas. She loved it and is sharing it with her friends.
Plus: I wish I could post love for all the comments on your blog posts.
Bwahaha! That’s a hilarious idea! I love the status-changing possibilities!
I’m now tempted to post “that sounds delish!” On all your FB posts, just to preempt you. 🙂
I cannot believe you are evil because now I SO WANT TO DO THIS TOO
Aww, wait, I can’t do this, because I only have, like, 12 people on Facebook and they never comment on my stuff anyway..
Rolly really is a bitch cat. I loved Ferris in the background looking at her like WTF dude? I seriously suspect she was just screwing with Dorothy Barker.
This is awesome!
I see an opportunity, being close to the end of my high school career; How about “Just got accepted to Harvard!” to be replaced by “My grandmother just passed away”.
I might make myself a Facebook just to do this awesomely evil idea. You’re so inspiring.
Once upon a time, it was set up so that if enough people liked/comment on your post, you couldn’t go back and edit it, maybe for that very reason. Now you can edit it, but it says “Edit” and people can see what it said prior to the edit. Still. I like the way you think. Which worries me.
I love the cat video. I have a couple of Evil Cats who constantly knock things on the floor (paperwork, small objects, and I don’t even want to talk about the pens that Magic the Cat, Queen of the Universe has made disappear over the years. When I had to pull the stove out to fix it, I found over a dozen under there alone, because she knocks them off the counter and then bats them around until they roll underneath). Then there is Minerva the yowling sock dragger. Oy. (No, the socks don’t yowl. She makes a hideous noise while dragging them. It would probably be preferable if the noise came from the damned socks.)
Non Sequitur alert Does anyone else think owls look like flying cats?
Remind me to never like or comment on your Facebook status updates….
Would have enjoyed the flask when I went to see the 10am showing of 50 Shades. Still can’t get the shit below to link to my latest blog post. Obviously a clumsy blogger…so will be signing up for that. Website is damselindepression.com. Latest is post is “Magic Underwear”.
Facebook is the devil. http://www.downfromtheledge.com/2012/07/top-10-reasons-why-facebook-is-devil.html
The deep, dark part of my little heart is absolutely delighted and laughing this morning. DO IT!
Sooooooo…. love the backpack – it’s amazing and I’m wondering if I could get away with wearing one (added it to my Christmas wishlist!). Also, am intrigued with the Princeless book, but wishing it came in a kindle format (downsizing, ya know, although I have both the hardback copy of your book – autographed! – and the kindle edition!). But what I don’t understand is your cat video – not the video itself (awesome – can I blame Rolly for all the stuff on my floors, too?), but YouTube’s recommendations as a result of watching your video. Instead of more cat videos, it’s recommending videos about apostasy, terrorism, evolution and, oddly enough, a video about the 8th best restaurant in the world. What kind of subliminal messages are you hiding in your cat videos, hmmmmm????
It’s looks like you didn’t publish my comment ( or maybe I didn’t leave one when I thought I did. I’m so lame at this blogging shit. But I’m not going to let it get me down…cause I’m not a damsel. I’m a dame, damn it!
(It went into moderation because it was submitted as “anonymous”. My computer is weird about that. Approved now! ~Jenny)
Gdamnit! There’s two of me and I can’t figure out how to make me one. I’m having a damselindepression moment. Why does my name link to nothing when there’s really something there. This is a strange life parallel process. Damsel in depression dot com.
And why when I’m finally ready to be recognized am I still showing as anonymous. (Course I am trying to sign off as damselindepression not karaleelbechtol). This blogging crap may get me before being a blogger does.
Signed up for clumsy bloggers workshop so I won’t have to work out my shit on your website. (Actually…can’t 100% guarantee that won’t ever happen again.) Thanks for the tip! (I’m damselindepression.com damn it! Not karaleelbechtol)
I’m with Jen Donohue. Spamming other people’s pages is awesome. I actually got a friend’s new boyfriend convinced she had a dolphin phobia because she was at that point pretty much overreacting to me posting dolphins to her page all the time. Also: furries 😉
That is one badass cat! Seriously.:)
Oh man, now I totally want to do that. Back in my working days our office used to use MSN Messenger and I used to love changing my name and photo to one of our clients and sending inappropriate message to people on my team from ‘them’. Almost makes me want to get a real job again…..
If someone on Facebook wrote “I just made a blanket out of skinned kittens” I probably would like that because I’d be laughing so hard.
So this really doesn’t have anything to do with Facebook or it could if I decide to share my dream with my friends.
Last night I had a dream that my friend drove into town with a truck load of human chest cavities (real ones from real dead people). My job was to first wax the chest hair (the cavities were all male…..I think!), then to peel off the skin like one would a potato then soak the skin bits in salt water. What the fuck does that mean?
There are no Facebook security settings capable of dealing with you or skinning kittens.
But Mark Zuckerberg has his people on it.
It was the cat! Now I need to just get a cat and my floor junk would be explained…
My Facebook feed has recently devolved into everyone I know peddling gimmicky crap 24/7, so to be honest I would probably go ahead and like a status about skinned kitten blankets on principle because at least it’s not blatantly shoving so-called deals on organic body wraps or salad dressing mixes or costume jewelry in my face.
Basically we’re good just so long as you don’t try to sell me any seasoning packets or suggested wine pairings to go with that newborn baby roast.
Reblogged this on the life, love & fashionaffair and commented:
I couldn’t agree more!
This was my computer nerd husband’s response when I showed him your post:
You should tell her to make a 60 second non-looping gif where the first 59 seconds are a picture of a kitten and the last frame where it stops is Satan. Then you change the extension to .jpg and no one will know until their friends are like why do you like Satan?!
This was the best and funniest I have read all day You are my fave seriously the label for your interesting credit card bill love it! http://lachiquitamissi.com
I think that would be so funny! I hope you do that
I really hope you get to read this. My brave friend needs some faith in the world as she is dealing with every divorced mother’s worse fear: recently finding out her new husband has abused her daughters and quickly leaving for all of their safety.
My friend loves your blog. You are her biggest inspiration since she is a freelance writer, your posts give her a light in the darkness. When you posted for Christmas, asking people to comment if they needed help with their holiday, she shared her two daughters’ Christmas wish lists on Amazon. Gifts poured in for her and her girls, and she was so so so moved by strangers helping her when she, her new husband, and her daughters had just lost their home, moved in with in-laws, and had no money for Christmas.
She needs that help again. This weekend, she had to flee with her daughters for all of their safety. She is homeless, and has very little money. She and girls are staying with friends until they can piece together their lives again.
Friends have set up a GoFundMe page for her. http://www.gofundme.com/nkz8jk I thought I would share it with you and our fellow Church of Blogganism believers.
Jenny, would you be able to send her an email with some kind words? (Please email me for it). She is trying to hold it together for the girls in this whirlwind of a nightmare that is happening. She needs to know that she is one of the bravest, strongest women that I’ve ever met, perhaps any of us have met. And that she and the girls are loved.
Please help if you can. Xxoo
This is in response to my above post. Her husband was arrested, and is in jail now.
You are so twisted. That’s what we love about you.
Great idea. Might have to try it.
Love the link to the book you posted. I work at a school with mostly African-American kids, and I’ve been looking for fantasy books that involve non-white characters for a while now. The fact that it’s empowerment themed makes it even better!
I love this!
Need a favor, if it’s not too much trouble.
I work with and around students who are involved in Theater and Dance. Some of them may make it. Some of them will not. All of them could use some inspiration.
I really could use Harold the Ballerina on a coffee cup.
I don’t carry around a notepad or a shopping bag at work. Power tools sometimes, knives or ladders or flashlights. As long as I don’t have to put my coffee down. A coffee cup would be a perfect mentoring tool for telling these kids everything they need to know without saying a word. Plus cool.
P.S. – I always take my Fuck you I’m Fabulous cup into Monday morning meetings. It’s a favorite. But then I sit at the other end of the table from my boss.
(Love it. Here you go: http://www.zazzle.com/harold_is_totally_right-168732989144925917?rf=238233029691800410 ~ Jenny)
My facebook friends are going to hate me, and it’s going to be awesome. You are a genius.
Reblogged this on deb62113's Blog.
Very funny. A lot of people would get a delicious kick out of that. The plight of the puzzled latecomers would be the funniest part about it, I bet.
I used to like to make updates where the shift happens as you read. Such as: “Joe is asking for your prayers at this time. He’s fine! Everything’s fine. That punk’s just greedy for prayers.”
Although in retrospect now I worry. Many people with a sad medical crisis on their hands open their status update with a prayer drive. I hope they didn’t think I was making fun of them! You can’t make fun of tragedy and expect people to give you those sweet, sweet prayers.
Thank you for the Harold cup! I can’t order till I get home from the job tonight.
Perhaps I’ll get one for the ballet teacher too.
Thanks so much!
I don’t know why your page hates me and won’t let me have a link to my last blog entry. sniffle But b/c I love you (in a total fangirl, non stalkerish way, of course) I’m still commenting.
And I love this idea. Except I’d probably get arrested or something. sigh
I also posted this on teh youtubes:
Before I married my husband, his two cats did this. I called them the Minister and Under-Minister of Pushing Things Off of Other Things. Turned out they were just bored out of their minds in his dullsville bachelor pad. Post-wedding, we moved and got a place where they could run around in the backyard–boredom problem solved, no more pushing things off of things. You need to call the Confuse-A-Cat Corporation.
The backpack also comes in WHITE TIGER (for fancy occasions) and slightly-annoyed-looking LION!
If you wrote about eating bacon/mac-n-cheese on fb, you would get tons of comments about how you are a horrible person for eating pork because pigs are cute and smart, and for eating dairy products, because giving milk makes cow mothers so sad.