We’ve had Dorothy Barker for a month and I’ve been trying to teach her some tricks, like “not running around like a maniac at 3am” and “the rug is not a toilet” but she’s having none of it. I tried fetch and she brought back the ball once and then after that she was like “You know what? No. I just brought it back to you and you immediately lost it. How are you going to learn if I keep doing this for you?” Then I explained that it was a game and she looked at me like “I’m a dog. I don’t speak english. What is wrong with you? Also, I’m peeing.” And it’s fine because she’s very little and I’m patient, and honestly it’s hard to fault a dog who is all, “Whatever. If you don’t want that ball here then I don’t either. I respect your decisions, lady.” I suspect she’ll learn the basics eventually, but she’s weirder than the average dog and I don’t know if that’s because we’re rubbing off on her or if she’s legitimately odd.
Then yesterday Dorothy Barker did that thing where she forgot the end of her tongue was out and just left it lolling out of her mouth even though it was shut. I kept trying to push it back in her mouth but she was all “Stop trying to change me. I like it this way.” So I gave up and took a picture and it turned out so ridiculously awful that I decided to put it on instagram because 1) it’s nice to remember that even dogs take bad pictures now and again, and 2) it’s just more proof that this dog is broken.
Then my friend Norma pointed out that maybe Dorothy wasn’t intentionally trying to sabotage my photo and was actually doing a perfect impression of an internet icon.
And she’s right.
That’s my dog, y’all.