Last week my friend said that her mom’s greatest piece of advice was “Do one thing every day that scares you” and I told her that was terrible advice because you know what scares me? Bears. I’m not going to do a bear, lady. I don’t even think that’s legal in Texas.
Long story short? I think my friend’s mom is trying to kill me.
UPDATED: Hang on. I just realized that technically having sex with a bear would be extremely terrifying and would probably make you appreciate the rest of your fragile life. A life where you don’t have to have sex with dangerous, bitey bears.
So I guess there’s some actual advice in there after all. Not good advice. But still.
121 thoughts on “Worst. Advice. Ever.”
Read comments below or add one.
I sit in a cubicle every day … and I can assure you I’m fucking terrified by it … particularly the prospect that this is what I’m going to do with the rest of my life.
Doing a bear sounds better.
Don’t knock it. Bear sex is AMAZING!
The cuberhood is a scary place. Trolling for bears sounds more intersting.
Are we talking about furry creatures that defecate in the forest, or hairy gay men?
Your friend’s mom’s advice works better for people like me who are afraid to cross the street. Bears are simply terrifying which is totally different.
People in general scare me, so thanks, now I need to go find a way to tell my husband that in order to maximize my well-being, I have to become a whore.
Every day I wonder if looking up strange/bizarre things on the internet is going to be the end of my job at the workplace. It’s scary, but liberating. Oh, god, do I hope my boss saw the NSFW article, or pray she hasn’t?
:furiously writes bear porn:
:uploads it onto Amazon:
You’re welcome, pervy Internet.
Reminds me of the old saying “eat a frog every morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day”
(Except that night when you have to shit out a frog. Is the frog whole? Because that’s gonna be super uncomfortable. ~ Jenny)
I fear nothing. Therefore, I shall do nothing. (That’s totally not true, by the way, but it makes a good comment.)
Had to read this twice to get it 😛
If you really feel the need to work out your sexual bear issues… start with a bear rug.
Yah, I’m scared of spiders. What the fuck lady?! Shit.. fuck.. goddamn it, I’m going to have nightmares for weeks. Thanks, Obama.
But how else am I finally going to get my grubby bear-loving mitts in my very own cryptoid?
I briefly dated a honey badger.
I don’t know…from what I’ve heard, bear sex is pretty boring. They only have two positions, those being, namely, Ursa Major and Ursa Minor.
At first I was like, “Jenny, how did you get from being scared of a bear to having sex with a bear?” and then I was like, “Well, it doesn’t really matter how her mind works, as long as she’s not fucking bears.” And then I was like “OH! DO something you’re afraid of everyday!” So now it makes sense without actually making sense, if that makes sense?
Would Victor be willing to wear that bear head for some weird cosplay therapy?
Bought your book. Burying more to give away. I love your brain. I think bear sex would at least be possible. What if you were afraid of weasels? Imagine trying to find their penis, much less have sex with them. Maybe a tiny bit of jerking off or oral sex if you crave a cigaret. They might be similar in shape and size. They are extremely bitey
Also, I apologize for my comment. Mind, meet gutter.
(Never apologize. Never. ~Jenny)
I don’t know… from what I’ve heard, bear sex is pretty tame. They only have two positions, those being, namely, Ursa Major and Ursa Minor.
Well eating a frog whole would definitely put a damper on regularity. I just hope he’d be swimming the right way.
…… I love this conversation, btw 😀
Ha! There are a few things in this world that I would never “Do,” just because someone recommended it! Bears are one thing. Snakes, spiders, and jumping out of an airplane are a few others. I wonder if your friend’s mother would do a bear while skydiving?
I’ve been unemployed for over a year. Doing a bear would be easier.
Oh good, duplicate comment, I was hoping that would happen. (Sorry)
For years, I’ve always taken my daughter and her bestie, Kelsey to the beach at least once a year. I have always told them, “Be careful, watch out for sea bears.” when they get in the ocean. Not even sure how that got started, but now it’s a running joke.
The rest of your life might be really short, because a bear could eat you. And not in the fun way.
Wait, there’s bears and then there’s “bears”. There’s a joke here somewhere, I just know it.
Thanks to your blog, I am now scared of octopi. Does that mean I have to get into the whole tentacle sex thing?? Because I do know that’s a thing, even though I really wish I could un-know it.
I just think you are the funniest person EVER…
You need to read Bear by Marian Engel. It’s the most bizarre piece of classic Canadian literature ever and it involves a woman having sex with a bear. It’s probably scary enough that you can count that as your scary thing for the day and avoid actually having sex with a bear.
Scary things: flying and roaches. Nope, gotta pass.
Obviously you’ve never read Bear:
“Do one thing every day that scares you”? Really? And live in terror every day for the rest of my life? What the hell will that teach me? No thank you! Some advice is worth what you pay for it – nothing. 🙂
There is a documentary that I have been dying to watch. Zoo…it’s about people who have sex with animals and some die…wonder if they did a bear?
I guess I don’t need to worry so much about my novel-in-progess’s portrayal of incestuous lesbian clone sex.
What would be scary is breaking into a zoo to get to a bear!
Does your friend work for a pharmaceutical company that markets anti-anxiety drugs? I’d prefer to do something pleasurable and enjoyable every day 😀
“And they just don’t come no better than a bear”
That ‘s a song lyric by the late great Steve Fromholz from his song, Bears. Check it out. I’d post a link but I’m not sure of protocol here. His song, Texas Trilogy, has characters you might have grown up with. IJS.
Omg I just for real scream-laughed (not fake internet ‘lol’) at you and Clio44 and frogs. I always liked that “eat the frog” adage, now I LOVE it, if just because I could die laughing thinking about pooping one out. HAA
I have friends in the gay community who prefer bears, actually. Possibly we’re thinking about different types of bear…
I think we should establish some ground rules here:
Don’t do anything that can fit your whole head in it’s maw.
Don’t do anything that more than tripples your weight. It might crush you.
Don’t do anything with a penis that exceeds your arm up to your elbow in length or circumference.
Don’t do anything that has you in it’s food pyramid.
In short: don’t do bears.
Slugs, and grasshoppers…. I cannot think of anything I can possibly do with either of those, that is not illegal in the lower 48 states. Nothing I am willing to do, anyway. Unless you are paying me a lot of money to do it. Then maybe.
No, not even then. Because… ewwww…
You should read the prizewinning Canadian novel called “Bear” by Marion Engel. Just reissued. She has a very nice relationship with a bear.
Interspecies intercourse is totally, completely off the table. Scary, illegal and bad. Bad, bad bad. Bad fot you, and probably bad for the bear. Or goat. Or whatever.
Wait. Your friend’s mom is telling you to have scary sex? What?
What was that picture on Facebook with the link to this post? A zombie bear toy?
(Anatomical gummy bear. It’s on the left column. ~ Jenny)
Here’s what I do every day that terrifies me: go online. I go there despite the fact that it’s an ocean of brain poison. Today I learned there’s a terrifying new movie called “It Follows” that I totally want to see and there are spiders in bananas that will kill you or give you a 4-hour erection and that as many as 250 men have to have their penises amputated in South Africa due to botched circumcisions. These are the things I learned without doing horrific Google searches for “most horrific movie ever made.” Sometimes I do that, too, because I’m not right. But most of the time, this stuff just FINDS YOU.
I hate that advice and I also really hate when I’m going through something hard and people advise me “you should write about that …” only because I am a writer. So … if I was going through something awful and I was a plumber would I plumb about it? Would an electrician rewire his basement or a banker lend more money to get over his dog dying? Argh.
My mom always told me “Don’t take any chances.” I think that’s horrible advice!
It scares me to throat punch people who give advice, so I’m gonna do that.
I’m not generally one to brag but the anatomical gummy bear shown in the picture was designed by my cousin. 🙂
I’m pretty sure Catherine the Great of Russia had sex with a bear. She had it with every other beast. Only the last one actually killed her if the rumors are true.
Somehow I doubt her mother told her to fuck large mammals, though.
So A) it’s not likely that the rest of your fragile life post-bear-coitus would be particularly long. Or even inevitable. Don’t they tear the heads off their mates when they’re doing the deed? It’s possible I’m confused here.
B) to add to the books everyone ought to read that includes sex with bears (God help us, there’s a list!) William Kotzwinkle’s “The Bear Went Over the Mountain” is awesome and hilarious and perspective changing.
(I think that’s praying mantises. You don’t find a lot of headless male bears around. ~ Jenny)
Oldie but goodie ^_^
Okay this, and all the comments, seriously have me giggling. Thank you!
Was she a hairdresser? Maybe you’re supposed to give a bear a shampoo and a trim. I bet their dos get pretty scruffy over the winter.
Have you read the book Bear, by Marian Engels?
Quite a shock if you happen to (as I did) just randomly pick up an old copy in the library one rainy day, only to find part way through that the story involves a woman who has sex with a bear.
Actually, it is a pretty excellent book (metaphor, statement and all that, and well written), once you get over the shock or literal interpretation of the bear sex. Can’t imagine reading it in 1976 when it was written. Must have ruffled some feathers…
We have bears visit our backyard and pond in the summers. They don’t smell that good.
Horses. Horses scare me. And what do you think happened when I tried to take a selfie next to a horse on Weds.? Yup, the effin’ horse bit me. In retrospect I should be glad it wasn’t a bear. Speaking of bears…same day we went on a boat tour at the sculpture garden. People were yelling out every time they saw a bird, turtle, etc. I tried to pay my husband to yell “Bear!”, but he’s ultra reserved so it was a no go…
Maybe she just wants you to go to a furry convention. Those “bears” are a little easier to deal with I’d suspect.
Bears are so cute, with thier little ears on the top of thier heads, and thier fuzzy muzzles! I just want to smoosh my face into them!
The image preview for this post was the anatomical gummy bear on the left. You’ll understand why I thought that perhaps this post would go in a…different…direction.
As they said in Super Troopers [doing bears]”it’s more of a game warden thing.”
I do my best not to think about Bear coitus. But it does make me think of a scene in that movie Super Troopers which everybody I know LOVES but me (it was all right, I guess): “Bear fucker, do you need assistance?”
Susielindau you don’t have to break into a zoo. Just come up here to New England and hang out near our beehives for a few weeks this time of year. One or two always tries to get to them…thus the electric fence. Of course if you’re scared of bees, I could put you into a beekeeper’s suit and let you go up close to look at them — that would be your one thing for a day.
The worst thing about having sex with bears is that the male bears go to sleep for six months afterwards. (Get it? A hibernation joke. Ugh, it’s so bad. Please forgive me).
You could just settle for a bear hug. 😉
I think you’d have to smell like a bear in heat for it to happen. So basically, bears would be your only choice at that point.
Now I have to go watch Super Troopers. “Excuse me, bearfucker! Do you need assistance??”
I have to drive every day. That scares me. Hmmm, might be why I’ve developed high blood pressure. No bueno.
Just be thankful that you’re not scared of ducks.
Right after school started last fall and my 13-year old daughter started spending most of her days out of the house, I felt complacent and decided that I should do something that scares me. And now we’re moving to Shanghai next month.
“Jenny Does A Bear” sounds like a children’s book that I’m not ashamed to say I would read……..okay maybe a little ashamed.
Totally valid point here, Jenny.
I know this has nothing to do with you… But the top 3 posts in my reading list were about having sex of some kind with some thing. Maybe start small? Pet the bear? No need to give it up on the first date.
I’d love to say that nothing scares me so I could do nothing every day, but that would be a lie. Zombies scare me. I’d honestly rather do every woodland creature in the forest than deal with a zombie.
That’s actually an Eleanor Roosevelt quote.
Am I the only one here with a sudden desire to re-read “Welcome to Temptation” by Jennifer Crusie? Spoiler – no real bear sex.
Plus, really, every day? Some days I am lucky to get the things done that I am not afraid of. Jeez, talk about pressure.
Godddamnit. Now I’m wondering how well (or not) bears are hung. I don’t remember ever noticing huge dangling bear bits, so I bet they’re pretty small for their size.
Also, I feel like you missed out on a great hentai joke here.
It would be easy for me. All I’d have to do is answer the phone every day. I hate phones and the life-sucking creatures that call me, making me listen to the workings of their alleged minds. Or trying to sell me drugs from India. No. Just no. That’s why God made answer machines.
Ygritte says it best (warning: adult language, it’s game of thrones y’all). Just saw that episode last night and was thinking how obscure a bear sex story is. Then I came to read the bloggess as usual….and there’s a bear sex reference. The stars are laughing at me.
Comments are hilarious….so many varied bear sex stories-who knew? and I’m looking forward to your next instalment of strange search terms that brought people here…
I bearly think that having sex with bears is appropriate.
Sex with animals clearly is an example of Homo without his sapiens.
Jenny, you’d be dead of fright before the bear got near you, dear!! That’s one conciliation. xx
I’m reading this right now. That quote is from Eleanor Roosevelt. I don’t thinks she ever had sex with bears but it’s Eleanor Roosevelt, so you never know (as long as it didn’t scare the horses in the street she would probably be fine with it 😉 ) http://www.amazon.com/My-Year-Eleanor-A-Memoir/dp/B00A1ACSAO
So, where does being afraid of children leave me?
It would make you appreciate the rest of your fragile life, assuming that you actually survive having sex with a bear. And if you do decide to go through with it, don’t forget the BearSpray!
I’m doing a fuck ton of things that scare me right now. I am overwhelmed, but I’m going to keep going. I’m not having sex with a bear, though. I do, however, have sex with a grandpa and that’s a little scary.
Happy Pi Day. Bears like blueberry pie. To get away from a bear, you can throw a blueberry pie at him (or her), depending on your inclination…
I knew someone would beat me to this…thanks, Kara, but…
I know costumes are an important part of life in the Lawson household; the truly KIND thing would be for Victor to put the suit on and, umm, help you through your fears (in a manner of speaking) so you can “work up” to the real thing. C’mon, Victor–be a mensch.
I knew someone would beat me to it (thanks Kara) but…
I know costumes are a big deal in the Lawson household; the humane thing would be for Victor to put on the suit and… umm…”help” you through your fear until you can work up to the real thing. C’mon Victor, be a mensch.
Okay, I tried really, really hard not to think about the fact that not a week ago, you were discussing that the thing that really terrifies you is creatures with tentacles. But considering that there’s like this whole, whole sub-genre of anime porn–unfathomably weird as only the Japanese can be, but large nonetheless–I’m just really having trouble not going there. Would just watching one of those count as a sufficiently life-affirming terrifying experience?
Regardless, if I were really looking to terrify myself into loving my life, I’d eat at that Waffle House a couple of miles from my house at about 3:00 am. But nope, nope, nopity nopes nope nope.
If your friend’s mom wasn’t trying to kill you before, bet she wants to now!
Don’t do it! There are many excellent reason not to, not least of which is because bears are STD-ridden! Case in point, an article in “Nature” that I read in high school: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/3627242
Bears with syphilis as far back as the Pleistocene. Eep!
Well here in Canada we give you major literary awards for that kind of thing—The Bear by Marian Engel is ‘The winner of the Governor General’s Literary Award for Fiction, Marian Engel’s most famous – and most controversial – novel chronicles the erotic love affair between a woman and a bear’ True Fact. Also present company’s book excluded–this may be the best book cover involving an animal EVER http://penguinrandomhouse.ca/books/46558/bear#9781551992921
Your blog may be my new favourite thing of all time. Just sayin’.
All you need is twenty seconds of insane courage.
Exactly! I know a lot of bears (the gay male variety), I think I would rather do the ones who defecate in the forest.
I’m petrified of spiders.. soo yeah I’m sure you can figure out how that would end considering the analogy. Poor spider.
Hahaha. I’m with Trillie’s advice: Run like hell.
We totally need to have a worst advice ever contest.
I was told to keep trying things you don’t like and eventually you’ll develop a taste for them. Then they yelled at me for eating glue. Totally mixed messages. Although now that I think about it they probably meant vegetables and other healthy things that taste bad…people really need to be more specific with their advice.
You’re turn, fellow commenters.
I am currently on vacation in London and saw this here on a sign just the other day. I turned to my sister and asked “why???” I mean, I get the concept, but every freaking day? No.
I’m scared of SUNFLOWERS!! NO WAY…….I would not spend one day in a field of ’em!!
Bears have claws. Bad idea.
These days, it’s probably safer than bare sex.
Yes, I’ve wondered about that saying myself. Playing on the Interstate would be scary, but don’t think it would teach me much. I think your instincts are right. Stay away from bears.
I always told my son, “Don’t poke the bear.” I wasn’t thinking about sex when I told him, but it’s good advice either way… I’m scared of heights, zombies, and firework displays. Do I have to have sex with a zombie bear on top of the Washington Monument on the 4th of July?
With my luck, not only would I do a bear, but I’d get knocked up.
And end up in some weird newspaper.
And have to spend all the money from the talk show circuit on razors and waxing and shit so my half bear baby could live as a human.
It stresses me out how much I relate to you.
Please read the novel, Bear, by Marian Engel: http://www.amazon.com/Bear-Nonpareil-books-Marian-Engel/dp/0879236671/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1426528064&sr=1-2&keywords=bear+novel
It’ll take you a couple of hours.
What about tigers? Better or worse than trying to do a bear? Definitely prettier.
I guess if you did a bear every single day, eventually it would get less scary?
hahahaha, oh you!
You have no idea how much you brighten my day xx
Doesn’t work…I am scared of elevators. Late one night, I got talked into having sex. Because song…
I’m still scared of elevators.
I actually did one thing that scared me a day for a month leading up to my 25th birthday. It was mostly things like talking to strangers in bars and going to movies by myself but it really helped me face my social anxiety and realize I could survive it and some things that are really scary can end up being thrilling and wonderful.
I know! I have always thought that just about the stupidest thing you could say to anyone. “Cross the freeway on foot.” “Get cancer.” “Dangle your child off an overpass.” We are scared of these things for good reason. There’s a reason they’re called “strangers.”
And now, to be obnoxious, here is a blog post I wrote about the same thing: https://planetnomad.wordpress.com/2010/09/22/stranger-in-a-strange-land/
Hmmm….I remembered that as funnier. Probably because I am funny when I riff on it to friends. No really.
You are twisted and I love you for it. Your commenters above are even more twisted. Which I also love.
I came on here for a nose and to see how the pro’s are doing it and have sat here half an hour reading! This is by far my favourite one ahaha. I just started a blog myself and would love it if you’d check it out!! It’s full of horrifyingly embarrassing tales about my life and generally ridiculous ramblings… 🙂
I have been thinking about you ever since you said your daughter is in Girl Scouts. Because suddenly, tadaaa! I am a troop leader for Daisies. Just imagine a group of kindergartner girls with a bag of feathers and popsicle sticks…a little glue and Feather Ticklers..for your baby brother or sisters. ..See how easy it is? If you like to hear them parrot the girl scout law try this, ” The wretched smell of that octopus is etched into the inside of my nostrils. ” Much much better than ,” Your gonna drive me to drink.”
Much much better.