I am on a lot of pain medication because I pinched a nerve in my neck last night but it’s Sunday so I will power through the pain and write you this wrap-up BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. Even more than when I’m not high on pain killers. Except I’m too groogy to think straight so instead I’m just going to write you some haikus. People think haikus are super easy because they don’t have to rhyme, but they do have to fall into a 5-7-5 syllable scheme which means I’m doing poetry AND math, so back off asshole. (Not you. The asshole behind you who doesn’t like my haikus. You’re fine. I love you.)
Haiku #1
Victor blows his soup
Sometimes he’s too aggressive
My face is on fire.
Haiku #2
I would like more rum
Please, please, please, please, please. Um, please?
Is that enough words?
Your turn!
(PS. Spellcheck tried to correct “groogy” to “groggy” but if you’ve ever been on pain killers you know that “groogy” is a much more accurate word. It also suggested “groovy” and I get where you’re going with this, spellcheck, but pain killers make me vomit so it’s really not so “groovy “at all. Stop trying to “help”, spellcheck.)
*******
And now, the weekly wrap-up:
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- As requested: VAMPIRE ORPHAN CLUB. (If you’re confused, start here.)
Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:
- I went to the creepiest flea market ever. And I love it.
- It’s been 5 months and Furiously Happy is still on the top 20 NYT list. That is all because of you and I can’t ever thank you enough.
- Do you do adult coloring books to combat anxiety? Because this is some next-level shit: Sherlock and Doctor Who.
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by AgileBits, who brings you 1Password, a safe, secure place to keep all your website passwords, credit card information, passport and driver license information. 1Password works inside your web browser, helping you log in to your various online account and filling your address and credit card information in checkout forms on shopping websites. You can use 1Password to change your online account passwords to strong, secure, and unique ones, without worrying about having to remember them. All you need to remember is one password, the Master Password that unlocks the app. 1Password works on your computer, tablet and smartphone, simply and securely keeping all your information in sync, readily accessible wherever you are.an online store to give you the things you need. Get a 25% off discount for the week of February 21st to 29th by using “bloggess” as the coupon code.
You’re still cooler high than I am… “not high”…
Okay, that kinda fell apart, but you get the idea, right?
High on life I guess
The Bloggess asks for haiku
Here is one for her
Haiku for WCW
I too am sorry
You ate all the fucking plums
Revenge will be sweet
Feel better, Jenny!!
Took dog to the vet
Got Tramadol for her pain
Untapped market, that
(I myself am not a fan of narcotic painkillers, but the ease with which I obtained them from the dog’s doc sure got me thinking…)
my dogs snore loudly
they whimper and whine in sleep
but they don’t dream poop
Kids are making noise
They gave me another cold
The life of a mom
I make crochet things.
It helps me not stab people.
Just call me hooker.
When I say no time
And you continue to talk
That is verbal rape
I hurt my neck too,
All that’s missing is you and
feeling half my face
Vicodin is cool,
Why am I all out, oh, oh
I took it all gone
I had to face multiple days at work not lamenting my lack of vicodin, because that doesn’t fly in the workplace. Nor does telling people how high you are. Though telling people that you need more food wink, wink works.
I can’t write haikus
I’ve never been able to
Oh shit! I just did.
Blammo! Feel better soon, Jenny. Neck pain is a pain in the ass.
I can’t do Haikus
I’m just no good at counting
Shit! I just Haiku’ed
With just one response
I’m furiously happy
Easily amused
I am in a cab
It costs a lot to use so…
Next time take the bus
Folks are bicycling.
Pedalling up the big hill.
No thank you. Beemer.
Cake stuck to the pan
Knew I should have used parchment
Dunk pieces in rum.
Have to clean the fridge
Good Lord how old are these things?
Should they all be green?
Jeb dropped out of race
Am so afraid Trump will win
Move to Canada?
Hop you get better soon!
Forced to keep sitting
By heft of warm, chubby cat
Piss off, to do list
OK, legit question– are those doll heads for sale or is all part of deranged art exhibit? Seems like it could go either way.
As a 40ish woman, this is the first haiku that popped into my brain:
I don’t recognize
my boobs in the mirror but
they seem to be mine :/
Good thing emoticons don’t count as syllables. Win!
Reading Jenny’s blog
Brings my brain back to center
That’s some scary shit
Cat tries to eat toast
No, cat, no, there are raisins!
A great big vet bill.
Built a Cat Tardis.
Now they can have adventures
Barfed in holy grail.
I would rather smell
Stinky beer farts from a bum
Than my mom’s perfume
All hail the Bloggess!
With gravy for everyone
Even poor Victor!
Not only Spidey
Vampires can be orphans to
A club has been formed
Visiting parents
Gonna be a shitty day
Suck motherfuckers
Not so good today.
Tomorrow will be better.
I do hate migraines.
U have to look down to use a computer. Pinched nerve is for artists, writers, and bloggers. Welcome to our world, Jenny, with love, joy and peace of pinch. And a pinch of salt which helps by the way, if you don’t throw it over your shoulder and look back.
I’m preparing for
A colonoscopy – so fun.
Now I must go poop.
Please tell me how, please
How do mermaids reproduce?
Tell me, tell me, please!
Victor thought ‘yonce
not a scary addition
he won’t blink at this
http://www.thisplanetearth.co.uk/page66.html Holey crap! Yeah I just found a full sized weeping angel for your garden (went on a slight tangent when looking for a quiet space for office renovation- am now trying to tell work they need a Tardis, not a phone booth)
It’s raining today
I needed to water plants
Thank you weather god!
Your encouragement
Brightens up my darkest days.
The Bloggess inspires.
Amazon one-click
Spending more is easier
Live slow, Die whenev’
Sunday is dying
I hope my work caught on fire
I am not kidding
Can I just say that I wish my whole life had this option, with a helpful explanatory link: (If you’re confused, start here.)
I am just kidding
Still, cubicles suck big dicks
not in a good way
Comicon was fun
I paid to hug James Marsters
Then came loud giggles.
James Marsters was Spike
On that Buffy TV Show
Chisled cheekbones, sigh…..
I wore this costume
The Idris/Sexy/TARDIS
I love Doctor Who
Now I’m back at work
Comicon was WAY more fun
Bills need to be paid.
Vacation over
Family drove me cray cray
Why did I come here?
I hope you are pain free soon Jenny
Pain killers are good
Pain free is better
Was this deliberate? Because I think it’s awesome:
Asshole behind you
Who does not like my haikus
Not you. I love you
I’ve only ever done one haiku. I felt that with this one, I had solved the problem of haikus and therefore did not need to do it again. Here it is:
count the syllables
five, seven, then five again
this is a haiku
I avoid the adult colouring books. They are so busy, they make my anxiety worse! Instead I read and knit. 🙂
The poem has started
But that doesn’t mean it’s good
The poem has ended
Ear infection sucks
Augmentin makes no difference
Give me new drugs now!
Groog is the Bloggess
My neck is hurting in sync
My own ‘high’ cues stink
Feel better soon!
I have neck pain a LOT, so I can sympathise. x
Haiku to you, high,
too, to me, drifting in this
Haze, this maze, of pain
I’m actually in a haiku circle, to which I infrequently contribute, but every so often I pull a winner out of my behind. I wrote this one about running last spring, and I hope you’ll enjoy–
Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Hate. Love. I did it.
hey this shit is fun
syllables are exciting!
Did I do it right?
Will someone please kill
The Puppymonkeybaby
It’s freaking me out
I can’t haiku weather or not I’m on pain pills, but I have hurt my back before and I have been on pain pills before and I totally understand what you mean by the groogy love stuff and also, surprisingly, by the “my face is on fire” stuff, if by “my face is on fire” you mean, “the skin between my upper lip and nose won’t stop itching”. Also, in addition to unusual itches, pain pills also make me vomit. Get the to some anti-nausea medicine, Bloggess, so you can enjoy your experience a little better.
The spellcheck in my head also corrected to groggy, and I had to go back and look to see if it really was groogy. It still is a much better description.
Glitter fixes much
Presidential candidates
are not included
I want to clean house
I am also a liar
Who wants a clean house
I want to be at the beach
Cat poo calls instead
Wasting time on Facebook now
Laying in a dark room
The light switch is to damn far
Must try to train cat
Can’t talk to parents
They act like I’m five years old
I’m 43. Sigh.
Sunday on my deck
Tomorrow, clients will yell
But now all is peace
Watch out! That chicken
Will cut you! Love hurts.
At least it’s not towels.
A pain in the neck
Says knock knock motherfucker
She writes us instead
Went shopping today
Was Looking for a chicken
Beyoncé sold out
Think I missed the day
Haikus were taught in my school
Never learned the rhythm
White wine brain cleansing,
Because people won’t stop with
the stupidity.
Haikus are always the answer. 🙂 https://possumscatsthingsgnawingatme.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/haikus-for-spring-break-in-ohio/
Tummy is growling.
Where the hell is the waiter?
Now I feel stabby.
My legs, so itchy
Polyester the cuprit
Pants bad, nude me worse
Mama always said
Living well is best revenge
Take that, you bastards
It’s official; I’m
a mad scientist, who works
for the Lone Star State.
Probably oak mites,
burrowing into your spine.
Kansas is a bitch.
My birthday’s today
I’m at home doing schoolwork
Adulting is lame.
I’ve been writing shitty haiku for about a year now…pick your fav!
http://haiki4you.tumblr.com/
I am on a bed
Just had an awesome flat white
Looking at Corgis
It’s totally pointless, but at least I got the formula right!
Someday mouse will die
Stuff him dress him in a cape
He will be loved then
I like your haikus
So much better than mine are
Also I hate math
Too much laundry here
My poor dryer is broken
Hello, Laundromat
I can’t write haiku
It’s so hard to do
Rhyming couplets are the poo
This is one of them. Too.
Love you, groogy girl.
Furiously happy
Has five syllables in it
Hope you feel better
Traveling with mom
Dear god is that her that smells?
FML The End
Watching commercials
Oprah REALLY loves some bread
She and I are twins
Traveling with mom
Siri tells me where to go
Mom repeats each word
Traveling with mom
She knows how to whisper not
Pretend she’s not mine
Feel better soon!
I can’t do this..I have a cold and a fever… 🙁 feel better Jenny…
You are oh-so-loved
Look at all these swell haikus
I have a hangnail
Also on pain pills
Pinched nerve in my shoulder oh
Codeine is the best
Painkillers are cool.
Take them ’til you can’t see straight,
Then try not to drool!
Feel better Jenny!
I’m drinking whiskey
So watch out motherfuckers
This may end badly
You ate my chocolate
Explosive diarrhea
Is what you deserve
(That’s chocolate with 2 syllables because I’m not British.)
Depressed earlier
Listened to your book, Jenny
Now I feel better
Did a weird laugh/cry thing at “Look out Sookie!” which was very cathartic. Your books are my antidepressants, thank you and feel better soon!
It’s The Walking Dead
Why wouldn’t you love this show
It’s zombies and shit
Dog is barking now
Can’t fly without umbrella
Whoopie rocks jack flash
Totally inspired by Jumpin Jack Flash the movie with Whoopie
Did you ever feel
When you woke; the world skewed
And stuff you thought true
Was gossamer dreams?
Writing the haikus
Is much harder than it seems
I can has wine now?
Got coloring book
Just did all of Sherlock’s hair
Bad at coloring
Take care!
Got coloring book
Only did Sherlock’s hair pics
Bad at coloring
Take care!
Haiku’d more than once
Hit the button two times
Bad at haiku too
Funny word, dildo
It can describe many things
Always makes me smile
I <3 all y’all.
haiku spike you, foo’
might brew light dew, chew moo ewe
hike shoe, fight you, Sue
Depression lingers
Anxiety suffocates
Pills, pills everywhere
Pills in your pocket
Or just happy to see me?
Ha ha ha ha, I’ll leave now
My mom called while I
was reading this. I had to
choose. Said ‘Fuck’ and read on.
(i called her back. After )
Feel better!
Just had a week off
Ready to go back to work
Vacation is good
ps – feel better Jenny!
This video is cued up at the point where I read a few haiku from my book.
They might be your style of twisted:
https://youtu.be/psWKXGwy9QY?t=9m32s
There’s nothing like a
February Wednesday to
Make you love spellcheck
I haven’t done this since grade school!!!
Spell Check can suck it
Stupid, judgy, program, thing
But, seriously…
A rebuttal from spell check:
You made up “judgy”
The word you want is “pudgy”
English degree, huh?
And now I’m trapped in an imaginary haiku argument with spell check.
Getting technical,
They are ALL made up, asshole!
I repeat: SUCK IT.
Oh fuck I have work
Jen said to write a haiku
Dick off 8th grade English class
Back from Hawaii
Tomorrow I have to work
Go to hell, Real World.
After searching google all night i finally got in…
Shemale Lolipops Join via Paypal – http://www.shemalelolipops.com/?t=300376,1,7,0
The flea market was messed up. Messed UP!. Not even trying with the Haikus… Hope your nerve is all better tout suite. Can you make notepads with Totes MaGoats for me/us? Purdy please. (you know.. in your spare time.. after you’ve had some more rum) <3 Gracias
Laughter is better
Than focusing on the pain
Armadillos rock!
I heart the Bloggess
She helps me laugh off the ache
Of a crappy day
Watching my son dance
Stegosaurus song fills my room
Wave hands, stickers next!
When you lick the cat
No one wants to kiss your mouth
Except the damn dog.
New faucets for sink
Someone has to install them
I can do this..right?
Crossing my fingers and hoping self-doubt doesn’t kill the day’s project.
A nice page
Full of prose and poetry
I’ll be back!
Totally unrelated, but this reminded me of you, Jenny…
http://36.media.tumblr.com/9bdf5afd2095b474ea19a74f7811b4b5/tumblr_o2jvvl58YT1u4xc0jo1_500.jpg
I should be working
But I am reading haikus
I like this better
Nathan Fillion
Last Night On the Walking Dead
He Sucked We Want You
Decluttering house
Boy I own a ton of shit.
O hai, Matt Paxton
High anxiety
When outside can’t be handled
You come and say hi
I read blogs at lunch
Eating Lo Mein is good
Your blog is funny
Crap I messed this up
I cannot math on this day
I need a coffee
I still don’t know why
The Bloggess wrote a haiku
But I love her still
Tried to fill the pond.
Giant tortoise stood on hose.
It took forever.
if you get tired of Haikus, try Cinquians
The didactic cinquain is closely related to the Crapsey cinquain…….. Ordinarily, the first line is a one-word title, the subject of the poem; the second line is a pair of adjectives describing that title; the third line is a three-word phrase that gives more information about the subject (often a list of three gerunds); the fourth line consists of four words describing feelings related to that subject; and the fifth line is a single word synonym or other reference for the subject from line one
Poem
a haiku
out of control
I have become inspired!
Cinquian
Much post-nasal drip;
Coughing my lungs out all night;
Big shot of bourbon.
New puppy at home.
The cat sulks in the closet.
Who will clean this mess?
I am a substitute teacher
Some kids these days are kinda crazy
I stil love my job
So sorry your neck
has crinked and put you in pain
feel better soon, please
Have you heard of the “Swear Word Adult Coloring Book?” It’s billed as “Stress Relieving Fancy Swearing Words” and it’s awesome! I highly recommend it for any time you have to be out in public!
Margarita Day!
Gods love my booze-friendly work.
So unproductive.
Big metal chicken
Could be fun when you are high
What’s up, Beyonce?
You’re funny when popping painkillers.
Can I have one too, just kidding.
I just learned something new.
Beware the puddle
Of indeterminate depth
That swallows boots whole
The first warm-ish day
Our painted toenails glisten
Like so many jewels
A frozen wind swirls
the morning darkness total
Where, where are my pants
You were at my desk
I know you can hear my cries
Where’s my tape you dick
She craves; the Blob speaks.
This bottle will have to last.
The universe gels.
My dog wrote a haiku:
Food dish is empty
Suppertime may never come
My song of despair
And have you seen this?? Creepy dolls and such, somehow I thought of you!
http://youtu.be/vaBeAS_J5Rg
“Groogy” or “groggy”
That is the question! To pinch
or not to pinch, too.
Also on pain pills
Pulled my neck stretching in bed
Not sexy, just old
I have chronic pain
Now I cannot turn my head
Meds are kicking in
I’m only 3-6
My body thinks we’re eighty
Sylables are fun
haikus are def math
which is why they’re so boring
can’t get into them
My Aunt insists that
The actual word is
DROGGY not groggy
All you need is red
Game of Thrones Coloring Book
It’s just that simple
Don’t feel like working.
Reading the Bloggess instead.
I made the right choice.
Its inner and outer beauty transcends any physical state. An intelligent woman overcomes physical pain !
Dorothy Barker
She’ll cure whatever ails you
Repeat as needed.
i dropped out of the walk
i feel like a shoddy friend
can we start over now
Stupid period,
I sneezed and it’s like shark week
Note to self: don’t swim
Stray dog, tried to help
owner came out of the house
Called me a dog thief
Pain meds kinda suck
They help with all of that pain
But constipation
Glad you can always find the humour in every situation!
Groogy or groggy
the result is still the same
a befuddled state
I’m an English teacher, and I’m going to use “groogy” in class tomorrow. For real. In your honor. It’s happening.
Fuck this fucking shit
I’m over this fucking shit
You can kiss my ass
Not terribly eloquent, but says exactly how I’m feeling right now, and bonus! I’m pretty sure wins for the most swear words.
so my friend let me borrow her “Furiously Happy” book, and I may be the one and only person who actually found money in it LOL.. she put a $20.00 bill in it as a bookmark. What an awesome friend she is (I think.. hope.. I haven’t finished the book yet.. maybe she’s trying to tell me something?.. still .. that’s her crazy standing up for my crazy so yeah.. what an awesome friend!) keep laughing ..it helps in the war zones.. Nancy K
Staidness has its place.
This is not one of those times.
Here; pull my finger.
help me, i am trapped
in a haiku factory
save me, before they
No original to me. I found it earlier this year, but it cracks me up every time I read it.
Help help me Rhonda
keeps riding through my head
Help me Rhonda yeah
Never mind about
Sherlock and Doctor Who;
We want YOUR book, please!
After exercise,
my nose decided to bleed.
Anemia sucks.
“Hug Me”
Coal, bagpipes and oranges
are diamonds, music and juice,
with the right pressure.
I just wanted to let you know that the way you’re taught to do haiku in school 5-7-5 is not correct. You can go to my poetry blog if you want to learn the correct way to do it. (no imagery, less than 17 syllables, must have a nature element).
https://failingathaiku.wordpress.com/what-is-haiku/
I am a fan of yours and hope to get your books soon btw!!
I hope you’re feeling a little less groogy today! Unless you like feeling groogy. In that case, groog on!
Cat Haiku
The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.
So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle’s closer.
There’s no dignity
In being sick – which is why
I don’t tell you where.
Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.
Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service, none.
Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards:
This pillow’s taken.
Your mouth is moving;
Up and down, emitting noise.
I’ve lost interest.
The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
Different message.
My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?
Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.
My affection is
conditional. Don’t stand up,
It’s your lap I love.
Cats can’t steal the breath
Of children. But if my tail’s
Pulled again, I’ll learn.
I don’t mind being
Teased, any more than you mind
A skin graft or two.
So you call this thing
Your “cat carrier.” I call
These my “blades of death.”
Toy mice, dancing yarn
Meowing sounds. I’m convinced:
You’re an idiot.
You must scratch me there –
Yes, above my tail. Behold!
Elevator butt.
Blur of motion, then —
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?
Cat, fearless hunter
leaves ‘presents’ for me near door
next time I’ll wear shoes.
I woke up at 5:30 this morning with haiku in my mind. Here is one:
How can those how have
never been in combat, talk
of it so glibly?
Replaying Meeting.
Many stupid things were said.
All of them by me.
(I am the most awkward person ever. WHEN will I learn to just STFU? Any whyyyyy can’t I stop replaying all these moments in my head? Current me screams: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UPPPPPPP!)
Margarita please
I waited all day for this
Salt and on the rocks
Haiku idea,
a terrific one, Jenny.
Been laughing all day!
Please feel better, Bloggess!
Might be wrong but think I’ve heard
Virgin toast heals all.
Haiku idea,
a terrific one, Jenny.
Been laughing all day!
Please feel better, babe!
Might be wrong but think I’ve heard
Virgin toast heals all.
Well, this is awkward.
Two posts but one incorrect.
How do I delete?!
Have they tried you on painkillers other than the ones you are on? For instance anything with Codeine or Hydrocodone is known for giving folks the vomits. There are Morphine based pills as well as many other categories. There’s no point in pain relief if you are just going to be in the misery of more pain in the form of nausea! Also the docs could give you an anti-nausea med. and that would be helpful too. Pinched neck nerves yell of stress (for me anyway). Sorry for your pain. Take care.
A get well wish, yay
No pills which were much needed
My day was made whole
PS THE DW COLORING BOOK IS AMAZEBALLS
I just bought not one copy but TWO last night of a Harry Potter adult coloring book. My husband is taking me away for an adult only weekend and I am so taking this book along!
I seriously used to send a haiku every Friday for 2 years along with my timesheet. Here’s one just for you.
Solution for when
I want to be Beyonce
Buy a yard chicken.
Sinuses must go!
No more disgusting mucus!
God damn — oh, Nyquil…
Winter was too long
To be without furry friends.
Springtime means kittens!
And as I’m sitting at my desk counting syllables out on my fingers, it occurs to me that I probably look pretty silly but I’m probably not alone…
I too, fucked my neck
By not sneezing on coffee
Read, it will make sense:
(https://theofficeneurotic.wordpress.com/2015/09/ wait, do web addresses have syllables?)
My Whoku:
See the Daleks
Many colors, plungers waving
Exterminate!
Thank you for making me laugh and momentarily forget what a colossal train wreck my life is right now. Seriously, it helps.
Shit, I forgot to make it a haiku.
Thank you for this blog
I feel less like a loser
Just for a moment.
Hiakus (Hi-ay-kus) because
I thought you combined a word
With hiatus… oops
Hi Jenny! Just finished “Furiously Happy” and now I am. Shared a couple of chapters with my AP Psych class—now they’re happy—one may even have qualified for your 24 Folder….you’ll never know how many hearts you have touched by sharing the gift of YOU! Thanks! Tm
Watched Baskets tonight.
That show sucks my will to live.
Can’t reach the remote.
Your ‘kus made me laugh
Number One was Super Fun
Snorted right out loud!
your words make me laugh
Your tales bring tears of relief
Finding company
I wrote this while visiting the east side of NM a while back.
A haiku about Eunice, NM.
Pump jack. Really flat.
Pump jack. So, so flat. Pump jack.
Money smells like this.