And that’s the secret to a 20 year marriage.

Victor is out of town but he constantly texts me because he knows I hate to talk on the phone and yesterday when I was picking up my meds I was digging through my purse for my debit card when a new text came in and I could see that the cashier was reading it but at that point I didn’t even care if she was judging me because it was pretty obvious I was there to pick up drugs to fix my head so she already knew what she was getting into, but then I looked at my phone and the texts showing were:

Victor: I just threw up in the airport.  Then toilet water splashed on me and I might be dying.

me:  Ew.  I’ll distract you.  There was a guy at the gas station with a t-shirt that said “WHILE YOU WERE READING THIS I FARTED” and now I know what I want for my back tattoo.  Also, sorry about the toilet water.  I think that’s how you get cholera.

Victor:  Yes, I am looking for something to kill myself with.

So I looked at the cashier and she looked back at me and I was like, “AND THAT’S THE SECRET TO A SOLID 20 YEAR MARRIAGE” and then she really hurried to get me my meds so basically everyone wins.  Except for Victor who is a super germaphobe and has probably scraped off all of his skin with a pumice stone by now.

 

149 thoughts on “And that’s the secret to a 20 year marriage.

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  1. Aw, I’m #TeamVictorIsWrong all the way, but I feel really bad for him about that. I hope he feels better and that his skin grows back.

    I was thinking about him last night as I was hanging out with a contingent of the 501st. Unless I miss my guess, none of them were Victor though. At least, none of them threw up…

  2. I think you have to puke in stagnant water to get cholera and toilet water is always in circulation.

  3. Please tell Victor that once I threw up ON myself and into a trash can immediately after departing from a plane. So I feel him. I had to change in the bathroom.

  4. I have a friend who has a husband that when ever anything random happens (like toilet water splashes, slipping in the shower, or getting a papercut) he always says “And that, my friends, is how you get pink eye”. HI just with I had thought of it first.

  5. Has he checked his bag yet? The airport is one of the few places where you might have a change of clothes for emergencies like this.

  6. Happy 20 years! If 15 is Giant Metal Chickens, what does 20 get you? (I’m asking because our 20th is also this year and for our 15th I asked for, and received, the Giant Metal Chicken key chain. It’s still in use… but I’m hankering for a cool new 20th gift. Whatcha got for me??)

  7. Airport toilet water? ARGH! GAG! I would have to throw up again but from a higher level. EEEEWWWWW!! Poor Victor.

  8. I’m skeptical here. What angle to you have to hold a phone so that both you and the cashier on the other side of the checkout counter can both read it? Admit it: You held your phone out to show her the texts!

  9. Seriously, the second pair of clothes in the bag. It’s a life saver! I hope he’s feeling okay. Why the hell is he throwing up in the airport? Poor dude.

  10. I one time sat directly on the toilet in a public restroom! RIGHT ON THE DIRTY COLD WHITE RIM! There is no pumice stone big enough for that job. Tell Victor he’ll be fine.

  11. Can we clone Victor? Because honestly, someone like that is the only way I’ll ever get married.

  12. Feeling Victor’s pain. I got sick on the plane. Those little bags work! Thank you Jursu and maintenance crew. And then again in the airport. Same deal. Shudder. I’m still here so I am thinking he will survive it.

    The idea for that as a tramp stamp is the best!

  13. I never knew I needed that shirt in my life until I read that it existed.

    Also, I hope Victor is OK! I hate when the toilet water splashes onto my butt cheeks, let alone having splash onto my face.

  14. Tell Victor that a large bottle of hand sanitizer applied liberally all over his naked body, followed by a rubbing alcohol rinse is a pretty decent way to deal with such emergencies. Bonus: you don’t have to dry off, just wait for the alcohol to evaporate. Double bonus: you can do this in an airport restroom stall.

    I already have a back tattoo, but I’m going to get that tattooed in a teeny font right above my asshole, so people have to get real close to read it.

  15. I had to take a dead mouse out of the dog’s mouth yesterday, and I didn’t throw it far enough, so I had to do it today too, and so it is one day deader. Cholera here I come.

  16. If one reads other peoples’ texts then one should not be surprised by what one reads. Oh and give Victor a huge container of Lysol wipes.

  17. I feel for him. I get so airsick. If I’m not drugged up on dramamine, I’m puking in every barf bag I can find. It’s not fun. And my husband wonders why I hate flying. It took him 5yrs to get me to agree to the last flight. Wonder how long before the next one?

  18. I’ve been with my wife for close to thirty years and a sense of humor, thick skin and a lot of alcohol has helped us… just kidding, just a sense of humor. Good luck and I hope you celebrate another twenty years together. :o)

  19. I totally feel for Victor on this one. Toilet water is bad enough. Toilet water from a public restroom is 100x worse. And toilet water from an AIRPORT RESTROOM? That is internationally disgusting. I’d peel all my skin off, too.

  20. I learned the hard way that one does not dump out a bucket of tortoise turd-water with one’s mouth open. I did not die. Perhaps Victor will be ok.

    Having kids prepared me well for life as a zookeeper. When my daughter was little, she fed me a box of Raisinettes one at a time at the movie theater. Then suddenly there was something weird in my mouth. “What was that?” The proud reply? “It’s GUM! I found it on the bottom of my seat!” I was pretty sure I would die of typhus, but I didn’t. I hope Victor survives.

  21. Once I cut myself on the plastic screw at the back of the toilet seat while cleaning it and I was pretty much 100% sure I would lose the hand. It’s been 8 years, so too early to tell, obviously.

  22. Where shall I send flowers or my donation to “Germaphobes Against Public Restroom Cholera” in lieu of flowers after Victor’s bloody pumice death?

  23. Thank you, and all of my co-workers also thank you for getting me out of my stabby mood. You are saving lives!

  24. My plane was delayed about 6 hrs (an hour at a time, yeah right, lying buggers knew they were going to cancel it altogether) and I was stuck in a small area behind security with one set of toilets. They were the “automatic flush whenever they want to” kind AND the “automatic splash you straight up into your privates when they did” kind. It’s hard to pee when you’re tensing all your private, thigh and butt muscles tight.

  25. Next month hubby and I will officially be able to claim a solid 20 year marriage! And so it seems that my desire to be I just like you when I grow up is one step closer to fruition! #awesome

  26. Something I NEED….inspirational calendar full of funny pics and quotes from your books!!!

  27. You are so right. Weird shit is the glue that binds a long relationship together. Me and my husband have 22 years under our belts. That’s not to say we don’t annoy the hell out of each other at times. There is this place we drive past almost every day called Galaxy Farm. Every time I say, ” that place must be pretty big.” He has never laughed once. Won’t stop me from saying it though.

  28. I hope he’s ok. Also, maybe just a henna instead of a full on tattoo. Just in case.

  29. Don’t worry until your vomit is the color “sea foam green”. Then worry. It scares the ER staff.

  30. And that’s how you do marriage!! PS – it’s 20 yrs for us too…WOW. I just love your blog Jenny, Thank you for being real and sharing that. I hope that you truly understand how much you help the rest of us.

  31. Perhaps, the toilet water cholera can be harvested and used the next time someone makes either of you feel stabby — you know, reuse, recycle and all like that there.

    To Anony #20: that was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time. There’s a whole YT channel too. Although, I’m not so thrilled with the earworm — Victor, can I borrow a cup of cholera?.

  32. The toilets in public restrooms are supposed to be cleaner than the door handles. So as long as he doesn’t lick the door on the way out, he’s OK.

    (As a mild germophobe, yeah, I have a hard time believing that too.)

  33. I would be sobbing and then I would probably run out in front of a departing plane. For real. The germaphobia is strong in me.

  34. During the early weeks of my first pregnancy my husband and me travelled the east coast of the US. I was often sick and learned quickliy to hate american toilets (we are from Europe) because the water splashes back due to the very high water level in the toilet bowl. This is different to Europe. The funny thing was that the more expensive the hotel in the US the lower the water level in the toilet bowl.

  35. My breakfast cereal just went everywhere as I read that you want “WHILE YOU WERE READING THIS I FARTED” as your back tatt… Poor Victor

  36. Having to vomit ANYWHERE is not a good thing. Doing it in a public restroom and then getting toilet water on your face makes it a bazillion times worse.

    And, no wonder I am not successful at marriage…The biggest dilemma I ever solved for an ex was to tell him the elves weren’t going to get him in retaliation for our daughter eating their sandwiches (to be fair, I woke him up when I called and the whole elf thing was the dream he was having…or hallucinations from drinking 8 Cokes in 8 hours…it was hard to tell with him)

  37. Barcy and Joelle — I was just about to post that “Toilet Water Cholera” should be the name of an emopunk band, but it looks like you guys beat me to the punch. Maybe we could form a trio? Been years since I played clarinet tho, so I prolly suck (fair warning).

  38. Tell Victor not to pour hand sanitizer in his mouth, cause it’s way worse than toilet water. Not that I’ve tried it or anything…

  39. I don’t blame Victor! Only a Clorox bath would make me feel clean after getting splashed with toilet water… Hope he feels better soon, though!

  40. This is probably the LAST thing you should tell Victor, but he essentially got a free fecal transplant! They are very helpful for chronic bowel diseases and can be expensive since insurance doesn’t like to pay. Win-win!

  41. My husband came in to tell me about report he read that said, “Couples who talk about poop, tend to have stronger relationships and less divorce.” (um…paraphrasing, but close). He looked at me and said, “Well damn, we’re doing something right.” Me: “How can you be married and NOT discuss poop??”

  42. Why was Victor hurling at the Airport in the first place? Is the Hurling in the first place the real serious issue or the splash back? Did he hurl at a previous airport and was already suffering from the plague? This will be something that will keep me up.

  43. I LOVE “Dumb Ways to Die” Hope Victor has found the purell wipes and taken care of the certainly viral toilet water…We feel your pain…we laugh near you, not AT you!!

  44. My husband sends me weird texts all the time, like “Good morning. There’s a chance of snow today” or “My meeting’s over. Mary’s mom died last night.” Always random, even after 27 years.

  45. I mean, if you’re going to read other peoples’ text messages, you really can’t hold them accountable for what you see.

    Also, I send my condolences to Victor. That’s just nasty.

  46. You just made me laugh harder than I’ve laughed in months, quite possibly years.
    Pretty sure all the moms in my school parking lot think I’m a nutcase right about now, but what else is new?
    You rule.

  47. A conversation between soul-mates, if I ever saw one.

    If you were to remove the names of who said what, I might not have otherwise known it was Victor with the first line. The response was all you, though. : )

  48. Part of the reason that this is funny is that Jenny is known for having worn a deer-carcass sweater at one time. Lady Gaga and her meat dress has nothing on her…

  49. This is the reason that you are my favorite author! That woman was lucky to get to read your tweets. 🙂 (my sympathies to Victor)

  50. Do you ever wonder if the people who observe your weirdness are also writers or bloggers? Like what if that pharmacist writes in her off time and she went home and was all “Holy shit, y’all, I have learned the secrets to a 20 year marriage.”

  51. Shit! THAT’S how to make a solid 20 year marriage?! I’ve been doing it ALL wrong! I usually just throw things at The Viking when he needs a distraction. Or I need a distraction. Either my bra or underpants usually. Or meat. Vikings really like meat.

  52. Oh.Vomit splash-back. A very legit fear. Nothing more disgusting than toilet water. Always made me wonder why on EARTH they would call perfume, toilet water? Who wants to smell like essence of commode?!?

    Never made sense to me. shudders

  53. OMG, I’m such a germaphobe. Toilet barf backsplash is revolting at home. I can’t even imagine it in a public restroom. I think I’d attempt to flush myself down the terlit. At the very least, Purell baptismal pool dip. Poor Victor. 🙁

  54. I wonder why all men aren’t more like Victor!? He loves and understands your head trips, and he gets all your jokes. Everytime the tenuous thread I hang by is sure to brake, the two (or three cuz Hailey too) come thru with the just right life experience to give me hope for another 24hr period. That’s not such an easy thing. Especially now. …Just Thank you and carry on…
    K🌵

  55. Airports are gross, but heck, if you’ve eaten the food there, what’s a little commode facial?

    This sounds like the commentary we had when we upgraded our toilets. “Can flush 24 golf balls in one go? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Off to Chipotle!”

  56. Some of those toilets are like power washers, perhaps if he finds the right one it will either A) all even out (toilet water/cleaning..ehhh) B) he will die faster because the cholera is getting in faster. It’s really a win/win.

  57. And the awesome thing is knowing you’ll still kiss him anyway when he comes home.

    And THAT is the secret to a marvelous marriage.

  58. You don’t need a pumice stone. Those Magic Eraser sponges take all the epidermis off. **My boyfriend thought it was a soft girly facial sponge. Nope, I use it on the toilet.

  59. .Thank you Jenny. You make me smile every time I read your blog or a page from either of your books. It makes my heart sing to know that there are other people in the world who are able to spin the “stuff of life” into a reason to smirk?🌻🌻 You are a gift.

  60. Well, if he gets cholera, he can’t die of dysentery on the way to Oregon. Or is Cholera what it’s really called and dysentery just Civil War slang for it?

    Anyway. I know who’s getting volcano stones for his birthday! Just not cursed ones from Hawaii, that would probably be worse than cholera.

  61. After watching all of your YouTube vids, now when I read what you wrote it sounds like your voice in my head.
    Also, sorry Victor’s going to have to have skin grafts.

  62. My son once projectile pooed directly into my face during a diaper change. I don’t know how this compares, but the lesson here is surely not to get too close to a baby’s ass. I suggest Victor go to the nearest orthodox synagogue for a cleansing mikvah. I hear this process involves completely disrobing, but it is supposed to make him “clean” again. At least in the spiritual sense. Mind over matter?

  63. Miss Jenny, I have picked “Furiously Happy” for book club. I loved it! You are “Furiously Funny” My mom is bi~polar. You have shed some light on the feelings she must have been having during her highs and lows. We laugh a lot together and I think it helps her. She reads a good deal too and I have recommended your books to her. She s going to love them as I did. Keep up the “Furiously Fabolous” work!
    Cyndie

  64. Cholera and dysentery are similar, but caused by different bacteria. I’m assuming that Victor was not in an airport in an undeveloped country, so he probably has dysentery.

  65. Once when I had a migraine I threw up and the toilet water splashed back into my EYE, which was horrifying especially as I was still throwing up so could do nothing about it for a couple loooong minutes. Luckily that was my own toilet though! I can not even imagine doing it in the airport!

  66. Don’t worry Victor, plane toilet water has a plethora of chemicals that will probably kill cholera, I’m more concerned about the chemicals killing his face. I mean, I’d assume the planes were nice enough to test for corrosion of skin in case they hit turbulence while someone was on the john, but then they keep making the seats smaller, so maybe the chemicals are created to erode your buttocks. OMG! I finally found a conspiracy I like! Planes are trying to make our asses smaller with chemical toilet water!!! Sorry about your face though, Victor…

  67. I just reread this and realized it was the airport. Victor is definitely going to get cholera from that. They don’t use ass-corrosive chemicals in the airport… Sorry Victor. I’ll come to your funeral if it makes you feel better…

  68. poor Victor i feel super bad for him I would be super grossed out by that and I am not a germaphobe

  69. I hope someday someone loves me enough to tell me they’ve contracted cholera from an airport bathroom.

  70. If you need to add some of that special romance, you or Victor can do what I saw in downtown Chicago recently. There was a guy (actually, who knows) on the street corner, with a boom box, in a gorilla suit, lip-synching to Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” to a girl. She wasn’t screaming or running away so presumably she knew him and felt she had to hang around. Not sure what the private follow-up to that was; maybe you have to have the 20 year thing to get it.

  71. I have it here a warning comment.
    Do not eat it the Punjab Cricket. If eat it then a problem of a bad smell gas happen. One time my woman friend Smupa eat it the Punjab Cricket. She then have it the bad smell gas for 4.5 days. For this time she not want to have a fun time in the bed at the night. Not good my friend.

  72. To Pratha – I once had a fanny burp come out in a crowded church van. Unfortunately it had a bad odor as well. The driver was forced to pull over by everyone in the van so they could get out and get some fresh air. There was also a girl in the van who I liked.

  73. I think the secret to a 20 year marriage, for me, is a Do-Over. Can I please get a Do-Over?

    (I married my college sweetheart, but only 6 years ago, instead of just outta college, you see).

    btw, I know how both Jenny and the cashier were reading the texts for “skeptical Robert in Chicago” – Jenny wasn’t actually HOLDING the phone, but had set it on the countertop to pay for the brain meds. BooYah!

  74. Playing with my baby daughter 33 years ago. She vomited directly into my mouth in a perfect slo-mo arc. You know, I surprise myself by surviving what I would have once found impossible to survive. Parenthood did that for me.

  75. My best friend wrote a book for me (about me) in High School and years later, she dusted it off and added a whole series of other books to the Quest. They are delightful, fantastically fantasy based and a blast to read. She’s published them herself, but they never got the recognition I truly think she deserves as such a talented writer. Check ’em out! Spread the word. If she could get published by a big company, that would be aces. If y’all just love reading them, that’s badass too. Thanks Jenny! I super, super, super heart+adore you! http://www.amazon.com/Oracle-Quest-Book-iUniverse-Paperback/dp/0595396046/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1461350323&sr=8-7&keywords=degroodt

  76. I threw up in a bus once. One of the big Greyhound types you rent for your university orchestra to travel to small towns and play concerts. This was such an event. I threw up repeatedly on the way home in that disgusting bus bathroom and was sick for a week. Probably from the bathroom.

  77. Aw, poor Victor. In my experience, there is little worse than an airport bathroom. I barely want my shoes to touch the floor. I can’t imagine airport toilet water getting on me!

    Also #20, I LOVE that video! RTD in Denver adopted that campaign and the little singing/dancing dead guys are on posters on the bus and light rail.

  78. Poor Victor! I hope he is feeling better, sans skin.
    I once was so sick, I threw up on the jetway. Crawling along it, puking into the little metal gutter that runs along the sides. The captain got off the plane to decide if I could fly. I was told by several people that they had never seen anyone that shade of green before. They ok’d me to fly after it was discovered that my illness was due to taking Dramamine on an empty stomach. A flight attendant gave me a ginger ale and a muffin left over from breakfast service, and it did the trick. But holy cow, was I embarrassed, once I knew I wasn’t going to die.

  79. Hm, my husband is the exact opposite. He never washes his hands. Doesn’t care about toilet water, the gym, sanitizing anything at all. He uses soap in shower so he doesn’t smell. He claims his immunity is built up strong.
    I’m cleaner than him, although I will sit bare ass on a public toilet and he will make a base layer. Why am I talking about this? God, we’re gross.

  80. When things like this happen to me at work it makes my day. I love it when people tell me crazy stories. It makes up for all the rude people. Also I hope victor doesn’t die of toilet bowl cholera. I feel like if he died of tbc when other dead people asked how he died they’d make fun of him and I feel it’s wrong to ridicule someone because they died of toilet bowl cholera. That’s adding insult to injury.

  81. I walked past a bookstore today on the way to watching Zootopia with friends, and I found your book (Furiously Happy). I now own your book, and was wondering if you could email me a signature (not your actual one, maybe just a signature that looks Bloggessy because I don’t want you worrying I’ll use it for fraud purposes) that I can print out and trace into my book. Because I live in Hamilton, New Zealand, and I’m not sure you’ll be doing a book-signing tour my way for a while.

  82. I agree. Our 19 year anniversary is in July and that’s pretty much what my conversation feed looks like with my husband too.

  83. oh God, I would have no need to look around for something to kill myself as I would simply spontaneously combust if airport toilet water touched me!

  84. Poor Skeleton-face Victor. That can’t look good. Hope he doesn’t wear glasses – you need a nose to keep them on your face.

  85. My husband texted this: (parenthetical explanatory three letter words are mine)

    Oliver (cat) ate Jack’s (dog) pill.
    Should I go ahead and put fertilizer on the ferns?

    Not realizing they were sent 2 hours apart, I replied:

    Sure, what else would you do in a case of interspecies drug overdose?

  86. Nah, not cholera. Probably just inhaled some mutant e.coli bacteria.
    Also, I am a primary teacher who responds to my own preschooler’s complaints with, “Oh, no, do you want me to put that hand in a ziplock bag for you to show daddy when he gets home? Because it’s so bad we had to remove it?” I am like the worst about saying “You’re FINE!” to children. So tell your husband that unless there is…and I say this to my class and my kid both…blood or a flood, ain’t no thing.

  87. I was at a local concert where the three women singers were interacting with the audience. One explained that two of them were newlyweds and would like advice for a long happy marriage. The longest-married couple in the audience had been married 71 years! The husband’s advice to the newlywed for a long marriage? “Don’t get divorced.”

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