My house is possibly on fire.

Apparently our water company is “smoke testing sewer lines” in my neighborhood, and so we were told that we shouldn’t panic if we see smoke coming from our house because they’re “just testing for holes”.  I assume they mean unintentional holes in the pipes, because pipes technically are holes.  That’s how pipes work.  But now I’m worried that if there is a real fire in my house I’ll dismiss it until it’s too late because I’ll be too embarrassed to call the fire department in case the smoke is really just “I have too many unintentional toilet holes”.

Also, I just accidentally drank out of the glass I used to wash the dog this morning and now I don’t know if I should call poison control.

So that’s how my day is going.  You?


187 thoughts on “My house is possibly on fire.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Had to comment again because my comment showed up as being posted at 11:15 but here on the West coast it’s only 10:15 so for a minute I thought I was an hour closer to being off work!

  2. Unless you were washing your dog in some sort of toxic chemical or acid, I’d say poison control isn’t required.

    Now, doing the shoe shine motion, and scrubbing at your tongue frantically might be a thing, though.

  3. I’m pretty sure ‘smoke testing’ is another way of saying “bong testing” isn’t it? Of course things are bit more liberal here in SF 🙂 You use a glass to wash Dorothy Barker? Must be a big one! I’d be more concerned about the smoke testing between the two. My day’s great!

  4. If you only used it to rinse the dog, it should be cootie-free. At worst, you might have soap in it.

  5. I set off the alarm at work this morning. For the second time in a row. Last time I forgot how the keypad worked (you have to push an off button after entering the code). This time I remembered to push the off button, but I entered the wrong code the first try. Now I wonder if my boss has some doubt in my basic competency after getting alerts twice within a month. On the bright side, I was able to donate blood this morning, which felt like a huge victory after being deferred last week for low hemoglobin. Bonus that I got free chocolate milk afterward.

  6. It would be good if they made the pipe smoke pink or blue or something. Then you would know it was safe smoke, and not house burning down smoke. Also, I’m curious as to why they need to check for holes in the pipes that way. I’ve never heard of that before. Texas is weird.

  7. Sounds iffy. They are probably just using that as a ruse for something nefarious.

  8. Well, Brexit happened. That’s terrible. Pretty great otherwise, though.

  9. My country just committed financial suicide by voting to leave the EU. Our currency dropped to the lowest level since 1985 and 2000 jobs have already moved to Dublin. My day has not been good.

  10. As far as things coming out of unexpected holes in the sewer lines go, smoke is probably the best possibility.

  11. On the bright side, if you do call the fire department, you’ll know their exact response time for future reference

  12. They did this at our office a few years ago. Pro tip: flush all the toilets, and pour a cup of water into all of the house drains to make sure there is water in the traps. Otherwise, if one is dry, your house will fill with smoke.

  13. I recently tore the smoke detector off my wall in a fit of rage because it kept going off for no reason. I’ll have to fix that. You’d think you’d know if your sewer pipes had holes because, stinktastic, right? But I guess blowing smoke out you’re toilet holes sounds too fucking hilarious not to try at least once.

  14. If there is smoke coming out of your toilet, you might to lay off the barbecue.

  15. Its my birthday and I completely forgot!! I’ve never done this before so I guess I’ve reached “that age”. Was reading your latest during my 2am wakefulness and laughed out loud that it woke the hubster.

  16. From experience, I can tell you that if the smoke smells like toasted turds, your house is NOT on fire. Unless you have a collection of toasted turds you haven’t told us about.

  17. I broke a nail when I got out of the car, waved to a co-worker, then jammed my hand into the hood of my car when I was done waving. Great day so far. GREAT!

  18. I’m doing smoke testing for some new software right now. A lot less fun, and no visible smoke yet, though I think sometimes the developers want to burn it all down.

  19. Our excellent public works dept decided to jet the main. My house is right at the main so I came home to my neighborhood’s sewage exploded all over my floor (both toilets) and in the tub. I considered just abandoning the house, but decided that was probably going to be a bad idea in the long run. Then they did it again two weeks later.

  20. I’m falling asleep at my desk at work and contemplating not caring about that, which probably isn’t a good idea because I sit in the reception area so, that’s how my day is going. In other words, thank goodness it’s Friday.

  21. One would hope that they would make the smoke fancy smelling….. or medicinal…. ooooohhhhhh…. or colorful!!!!!

  22. so just go for broke and call in to verify if the testing continues: “Hey, it’s me, a concerned residential dweller calling from a smoke filled room and I wasn’t sure if #1. my family is being burned alive while I check in with you, #2. the sewer holes, excuse me, pipes are continued to be tested, or #3. My hotness has clouded the room with fumes again and the process of “holy smoke” has been completed! Please confirm and/or deny 1-3.

  23. Yup, it’s a real thing. Check out
    Love your blog & got your books! Thanks!

  24. I almost died, does this count as a bad day?? Was driving home from taking my son to work, had windows down & sun roof open with radio cranking my favorite country station, my shirt flapping in the wind. Then 2 rather large bugs hit the back of the mirror, dont know where one went but the other flew over my shoulder and down the back of my shirt as if an nba star tossed it and got nothing but net! Next thing I know I’m getting stung, ahh, it was a bumblebee. I stopped in middle of the road to get out of the car, trying not to anger the bee any more than necessary…but got stung again. Finally shook it out of my shirt & stomped on it. Got back in the car, then panic set in. Did I mention that I am deathly allergic to bees?? Went back to my son’s work in case I needed help, shot myself up with my epi-pen and my son came back home with me to keep an eye on me. Lots of benadryl & epi-pens later I’ll live😸 I have an 8/9″ scar on my lower spine from two surgeries and the bee stung me once on either side of the scar, so with the swelling it looks like a second ass, lol.

  25. I wouldn’t worry about dismissing a fire. There is usually a crackling sound and distinctive smell that comes with that. I would be more worried about dismissing a smoke demon as pipe test smoke. Your cat was staring at something. Could have been a smoke demon biding its time until as it gathered energy to appear.

  26. Could be worse, you could be here in the UK with Smokey water pipes 😁 Disastrous day for us.

  27. Happy to report lovely day in Minnesota and no smoke testing. If you feel like you want to rub your butt on the carpet you might want to call your doctor or the vet. 🙂

  28. Well, feel free to leave your smoking house and hang out with me. On the upside I can watch to make sure the dog water doesn’t kill you or I can document your growth of mutant powers, either way. The downside is that I need to warn you about the velociraptors in my attic – at least that’s what it sounds like. I thought it charming that a momma cat and her two kittens moved in under my house a week ago. . . until I lay awake to disturbing sounds in my attic two nights ago. I presume the displaced wildlife who used to quietly live under my house, found a new home. I felt accomplished, setting mouse traps last night but from the crazy furniture shifting noises I heard before plugging my ears last night, I should have bough bigger traps. Does Lowes sell velociraptor traps? I should just fork over the money for an exterminator but after a long work week and more work time during the weekend, somehow this minor decision seems like too much to handle. Please let me know if the dog water gives you mutant powers to kill velociraptors. I can pay you in chocolate chip cookies or Oreo cheesecake.

  29. Anyone else currently struggling in the job department lately? Specifically looking for job in media production?

  30. They should totally make the unintentional hole smoke a different color. Like they do when they vote on Popes so you can tell the difference. Like purple is hole smoke and grey is your house is on fire smoke.

  31. Hang in there. At 10:30 last night my power went out. Only me. Bill was paid. Did you know it’s impossible to speak to a real person at the utility company at midnight? And that their phone system sucks so bad that even when you do get a real person the next day, you can’t hear them? On a good note, Walmart sells battery operated fans pretty cheap.

  32. I haven’t had air conditioning in 10 days now. It won’t be fixed until next Thursday. Send ice. Please.

  33. Cracked me up!
    We’re at the beach…where they have been predicting rain for three days, then taking it back. Today weather bug said 70% t-storms at 2:30. I came up to the house from the beach at noon-ish and it had changed to 50% chance of rain at 7pm with 0% chance all day. Grabbed a beverage from the fridge and returned to the beach with my book, where it started to rain….facepalm

  34. How’s my day? Well, there’s this Brexit thing. But on a positive note, I didn’t drink from the cat’s water glass this morning and I don’t think I’ve set the house on fire yet.

  35. I learned there are Blue People in Kentucky, so, just as weird as smoke testing.

  36. I’m almost out of battery on this laptop because a breaker blew and when reset, started making a sizzling noise… The landlord is sending someone to look at it and they should hopefully be here soon.

  37. That smoke is how they are going to get the nano-bots into you so they can control your mind when the zombies take over…

  38. I’ve never heard of smoke testeing sewers, but that makes sense. That shit wouldn’t fly in CA. So to speak.

    You supposed smoked sewers are considered gourmet among flies?

  39. I’m so paranoid any more, that I’d be inclined to think that the “don’t worry about the smoke” notice is some savvy burglar setting you up to be knocked unconscious by fumes so that they could get in to rob you of your taxidermied treasures. (Apology in advance if I’ve now spread my paranoia to you)

  40. Jenny. Thank God there is you! In all the uproar in my home, I can say that at least (today, anyhow) that there is no unintentional smoke coming out of unintentional holes in my pipes!!! A screwdriver in my son’s bed, a shredded diaper,a coffee covered dog, and several wet spots of indeterminate origin all over my carpet, all those things, yes. But no unintentional smoke.

  41. I decided to go to the local quilt show today instead of tomorrow. Saw lots of pretties. Bought some stuff. Because the venue was near the donut shop that is all the way across town, I dropped in and got a dozen of the best donuts in town. Then I stopped at another craft store on my way home and got a 3/4 yard of red wool remnant that was marked half price.

    When I got home, I took a left over grilled pork chop, made a sandwich from it, and ate it for lunch with some left over fruit salad.

    So, here… it’s a good day.

  42. Hmmm. Found a note from a neighbor on a car (not ours) that is mostly in front of our house. It says “HEY MAN if you park in front of my house again on trash day I will flaten (sic) your tires.” Had a nice chat with the police. Then a contractor and painter about shoddy work and contractor told us she doesn’t usually take jobs of less than $250,000. When we were just trying them out and paying way more than usual on a tiny job to see if they could do a bathroom. The painters are coming back at the exact time I was going to take my kids to the bounce house so they will sleep already. Was going to a family beach day with in-laws but there’s a high surf advisory. No child has told me they hate me or kicked me in the face yet, but it is not even 11 AM. Not my favorite day either. I’m setting my hopes on the mostly pink Friday night dinner I have planned.

  43. My fire alarm went off the other day for no reason (no smoke, 5 am, system was OFF). I was working in my home office and figured the Mad Rapist was after me, so I stalked the house with a gun until the girl from the alarm company called and said it was the smoke alarm. She also had to dispatch the fire company to cause me huge embarrassment. Now I don’t trust the smoke alarm – or the whole security system. I also didn’t see the cats for days.

  44. Well, since as you say pipes technically are holes (very long holes, but still . . .) I though you’d appreciate Chapter 11 of the Tao Ching:

    We join spokes together in a wheel,
    But it is the center hole
    That makes the wagon move.

    We shape clay into a pot,
    But it is the emptiness inside
    That holds whatever we want.

    We hammer wood for a house,
    But it is the inner space
    That makes it livable.

    We work with being,
    But it is non-being that we use.

    That’s my dose of philosophy for the day.

  45. I lived in a farming area and every year, this farm had a sign by the side of the road that said: “No Fire Seed Dust”. Made me nuts every time I passed it with the myriad ways that could be read. For the live of God, people, punctuate!

  46. I suspect you should only be worried if your toilet is not smoking. Because that means one of your criters is inhaling.

  47. I don’t understand the Brexit thing totally so I have to read a lot today. Also, my new diet is giving me acid reflux, so it feels like something is trying to claw it’s way out of me through my chest, which is making me twitchy. I only slept 2 hours. However, I’m SO glad that it’s Friday…just wish it was Friday night at bedtime!

  48. I’m currently using a fork to eat my lunch that I now remember the cat had pulled out of my bag with his teeth and then threw on the floor.

  49. Haha, wow. Glad I’m not the only one having a weird day. I think you’ll survive the dog glass incident. I have OCD and one time my husband didn’t realize that I was using both tooth brushes in the holder and had been using one of them to clean his nails. I almost died when I found out but I didn’t. I’m a survivor and so are you! Yay us!

  50. PS Saw the note on the car because I got halfway to a garage sale this morning when I realized it was Friday, not Saturday. Posted my last post and then found 3 yo painting the floor with rubber cement. He feels very strongly that the floor is the place.

  51. Had to pull porcupine quills out of my dog’s face this morning. He isn’t fond of me right now.

  52. I feel you about the dog water. Ew.

    One of my biggest fears is that I might accidentally ingest Cat-Dingleberry Tea.
    You see, my cat, who doesn’t concern himself too much with butthole hygiene, likes to march up and down the sofa arm, which is several inches higher than the sofa end-table where I like to park my mug of tea. More than once I’ve found him with his butt balanced precariously close to it. I’m very careful now about where I put my beverages.

  53. I am calling my water company and DEMANDING they smoke test our sewer lines! Our house was built in 1950 and I’m pretty sure our Smoke Test would look like Yosemite Sam having a meltdown which would be amazing. Now that I think about it though…..almost every house in the neighborhood was built around the same time so it would be epic! Oh! And if they used colored smoke……I wonder if they would Smoke Test annually so we can turn it into a Smoke Festival – like Fireworks displays but better because maybe it would be like fog – colorful fog – and we could have Battle Reenactments or something else that happens frequently in fog.

  54. I was unable to avoid the embarassment you seek to avoid by not callling the fire department. Our AC is out, and of course the repairman showed up today while my husband was in the shower. This meant that I had to admit (1) I have no idea if we have the unit switched on or off, (2) I don’t know where the breaker box is although I suspect somewhere in the basement and (3) I don’t know which side of the house he should walk around to get to the condenser unit outside. And would you like a glass of lemonade while you wait for my husband to get out of the shower?

  55. Trying to keep the anxiety under control… Some days just feel like the tsunami is coming. I believe you are fine not calling poison control… However it might be one of the better calls they get today. May the universe be good to us

  56. I literally just found out that it’s illegal to buy a vibrator in the city where I live. Like, there’s an actual fucking city ordinance about this shit.
    That’s how my day’s going.

  57. My day is amazing because I get to meet motherfucking doctor who himself Colin baker!!!!

  58. Hi Sticklady — All I can say is that wasn’t a honeybee if it stung you twice. One & done for honeybees….they die in their one kamikaze blast. Yellowjackets & wasps on the other hand, they’re real stinkers.

    Although Benadryl makes me feel kind of dopey, in a fun way…if you’re in luck you’ll be the same way.

  59. I work two jobs and am greatly anticipating not having to go to either of them for the first time in a month and a half, but that’s tomorrow. Today though, at one of the stores I was working in, someone’s service dog took a massive shit on the floor near the registers. It looked like it could have come from a horse. I was so glad I didn’t have to clean it up.

  60. Hahah. I think you should probably have some alcohol to counter any sort of germs from the glass you drank out of.

  61. Thanks Jenny my days haves sucked but make me smile and laugh when I get my email

  62. My day is great! The facilities department just emailed us that there’s a bear outside the building somewhere. So now no one is actually working; we’re just looking out the window trying to see him. I’m googling “what to do if you find a bear in the parking garage” to see if I should walk away, yell at him, or try to make friends like a Disney princess. Best Friday ever!!

  63. I just stood up and mu pedometer fell in the toilet as it was flushing…good news is it didn’t clog the toilet, so I didn’t have to explain myself.

  64. My husband is a fireman, but we are in FL so your house would burn down before we got there. 😁 But, it would make for an interesting story. If it starts coming out of the toilet it could be like “Under the Tuscan Sun” and you could just get a “butt-acial”. Hahaha.

  65. I’ve heard of a person blowing smoke out of their ass, but never out of their toilet! “Holey” smoke! LOL

  66. So does this mean if you’re sitting on the toilet when they start the test they could blow smoke up your ass? LOL!

  67. You won’t get fleas as the smoke tumbles your house air around. If it smells like fire, remember to stop, drop and roll. Take your daughter and dog when you run out, Then call the fire department.

  68. Re: poison control, did your tongue tingle or go numb from recent flea repellent application? Just remember the handy metric “can I feel my tongue today?” as a gauge for future “how’s your day going?” evaluations. I’m sorry, my days totally look like this too sometimes

  69. Was taking my daughter and her friends to Cedar Point in northern Ohio. Blew a tire halfway there. Spent an hour on the turnpike waiting for my dear husband and his dad to come and rescue us…yeah. good times.

  70. I went to a drive through and when I ordered I got the dog a cup of water. I was going to put it in a bowl, then I was like “Fuck it, I’ll just take the lid off an he can drink from the cup.” So I did, and he drank some. So then I finished my drink, dumped the ice in the dog cup(still had dog water in it), and stacked them.

    Then completely forgetting it was dog water I ate all the ice.

  71. The one and only time I ever called poison control was when my then 5-month-old ate a piece of aluminum foil, after a typical “I turned my back for two seconds” parenting moment.

    You’ll be delighted to know that it had no toxic affects, and came out just as shiny as it went in.

    That child is now 19, and would probably eat aluminum foil on a dare.

  72. I live in Britain and thanks to the EU vote I’ve found out a couple of people I counted as friends are actually racist bigots, so I think my head is on fire. (I’m not saying people who voted leave are racist, I’ve just experienced a couple of days of nasty, racist comments that didn’t even stop when they won 😔).

  73. As a 12 year vet tech, I can honestly say that I have ingested dog-wash water many, many times, and I am completely purple monkey dishwasher.

  74. Well, I busted the windshield of our remaining family vehicle while taking my girls to early morning swim practice today. As I was turning into the driveway, we spotted an adult white-railed deer standing five feet away from the entrance. The gate is not always open in the early morning, but I had checked and all was well. Apparently in the less than two seconds it took for my girls and I to check the gate and then see the deer, a large wind silently blew the metal gate partially closed. I was inching forward, smiling at the deer and the day, and our peace was shattered by a loud crack. Our first thought was that a stag had attempted to leap through the car. It was not a stag, but just the metal gate arm crashing through the windshield and causing glass shards to explode through the car.
    We are fine and the car will be fine, but after a summer of vehicle issues, large and larger, this is just today’s “surprise” extra.

  75. “Hello, there’s smoke coming out of my sewer hole….why are you laughing?”

  76. After 2 hours of talking a friend down from a panic attack this morning (think 1am), and getting a crappy night’s sleep because my husband wouldn’t stop talking in his sleep, I got 4 hours of sleep. Can’t even nap because I’m waiting on an Amazon delivery of something that would have fit in my mailbox 20x over. But no. They can’t access the box because it’s an apt building. And I have to go grocery shopping, where I have to try really really hard not to make people cry because they are inconsiderate idiots that think they are the only human to exist in this realm. THEN, I have to go into work for hours with my back hurting and a burgeoning headache. I already wish it was tomorrow and it’s not even 2pm yet.

  77. Your dog bath/poison control concern reminded me of the time I asked my mom (I was 4) if dog biscuits were ok for people to eat. Because she didn’t want me eating dog biscuits, she said they were poisonous to people. She didn’t know I’d already tasted one. I spent the rest of the day waiting to die, but I didn’t tell because I didn’t want to get in trouble.

  78. Yeah, Brexit. I thought we were secretly all European and groovy in a multicultural, riding a vespa and saying “ciao” kind of way, but it turns out most people in my country are mistrustful of people and politicians from other countries, and willing to believe promises which were clearly empty. So much so that they want to put all the power back in the hands of the UK politicians they usually hate. Scotland will vote for independence and that will be the end of the UK, and my Facebook feed is full of misery and the occasional Leave voter who admits they didn’t really know what they were voting for but figured “it can’t get worse than it already is”. Yes it can. We could be the next Greece. We could leave it up to the Tories whether they feel like following EU environmental laws or human rights laws. We could lose the protection of the EU directive on maximum working hours and paid holiday entitlement. We could lose any clout we had to place sanctions on countries which commit human rights abuses. We could become a global nobody with no say in international law.

    I actually felt physically sick when I saw the result.

  79. You just opened a can of worms asking that, Jenny!

    I’ve been struggling with my asthma all week and have been under house arrest after an E.R. visit on Tuesday where they blew a vein in my right forearm. The “bruise” goes from my wrist bone to halfway to the crook of my arm when you are looking at my hands if I were typing and halfway around my arm. That was the first poke. I told them they got one more chance to draw blood and then we were done. They got the second poke perfect in the crook on my arm and drew the blood and never started an i.v. It took them 4 hours to take me for a chest x-ray to tell me it wasn’t pneumonia but the bloodwork said I had an infection but wasn’t having a heart attack even with chestpain (duh, I’m just coughing up a lung or two and short of breath due to the ash from the forest fires that are burning up the Western USA). They have me on enough prednisone and antibiotics to choke a horse. The E.R. was supposed to put me on continuous nebs and i.v. meds. They just handed me my paperwork and and some pills and sent me out the door.

    I went to the doctor office next door and told/showed them what happened and they took 2 hours but finally gave me some cough syrup. They’ve also decided that they are going to change my pain meds. They put me on a med last weekend that made me feel like I was walking through spiderwebs, and made be fall into shopping carts if I tried to put things in them or fall backwards when I straightened up, and made me confused. It’s also used for “mood disorders” which I don’t have….but I might have by the time this is all said and done BECAUSE ….. They then decided to take me off a high blood pressure med that I’ve been taking for 10 to 13 years because blood work said it was causing Lupus like symptoms for that whole length of time and possibly my Sjögren’s. I’m like cold turkey? They are like yep, stop taking all doses. So my blood pressure goes through the roof. Today they put me back on it, give me another pill and say take this 1 mg pill tonight. It’s a water pill and is for prostate. Wait! What?!?! Yeah, we are going to take your prostate away. JOKING! I don’t have one, I’m female. Even my doctor group can tell a bad joke. They honestly told me that! And put me back on my original b/p pill. I can’t go back to work even on Monday. I can’t go to my 8 y/o Grandson’s birthday party tomorrow.I can’t even drink alcohol….not that I have for years…I think I’ll just have a pity party at home with hubby. Oh, and I stopped that other drug, they put it on my HUGE allergy/intolerance drug list and want to try another mood disorder list but not until we get my asthma under control. That other drug also would have eliminated one of the FOUR antibiotics that I can take. So, it’s a good thing it didn’t work out. I’m on unpaid FMLA right now. Time for another Nebs Treatment and more cough medicine.

    Thanks, for asking how my day is going. I hope your’s gets better, Jenny!


  80. Hell, you could pretend not to have gotten the memo just so you could have a good reason to call the fire department. Checking out the firemen should considerably brighten your day, plus you could casually ask them about drinking from the dog bathwater cup. Win/win. Maybe. Might annoy Victor, though, in which case it would be win/win/win!!

  81. as for me…I finished Wednesday by stepping in laundry water from an overflow from a floor drain. it was not my laundry water- we are still doing clean up of water, drain cleaner, etc. from that mess. and we had to evacuate the parrots from my room for fumes. so my birds and Sam’s are one big flock for a couple of days

  82. You might want to buy some de-wormer, just in case, and start wearing a flea collar. That could be hip. You could start a whole new fashion. And if someone asks you if you’re wearing a flea collar, just be all cool and badass like, um yeah! And then they’ll know they’re the uncool one. I’d say you’re okay with the smokey toilet holes unless you see the smoke coming out of your butt. Of course it’s accurate that you do have a hole there, so maybe not, but it also could be de-wormer overdose. So, maybe have that checked out by the dudes smoking everyone’s toilets.

  83. Had my boobs squished by a sadistic technician, got trapped in the car with my husband during a torrential downpour (that only occurred while we were actually driving, it stopped when we stopped), then got into an argument in the Hallmark store because I forgot my calculator and he had to go back to the car to get his (don’t even ask why he needs a calculator in a card store), then had to zone out most of the afternoon to recover some calm which resulted in forgetting to cook dinner. That’s my day!

  84. I brushed my teeth with Benadryl. By accident. I’d rather have drank out of a dog washing cup.

  85. Isn’t your phone already a calculator, sophia’s spirit? Come to think of it, isn’t his?

  86. Hey, I went for years chewing on an old toothbrush I kept in my desk’s pencil holder to help me not smoke again until I came in one day and found the Siamese crazy rat shit bastard (CRSB) as we so fondly referred to him- chewing on it…how many times had I???? How many times had he???? So, there have been worse days and better days…no smoke here…so far!

  87. Your day! Mine is weird too. Just got a notice for a prescription for something I’ve never taken from my doctor who just quit. Umm-would you take it ?

    I’d rather drink out of the dog glass-at least I know where THAT’s been.

    Sent from my iPhone


  88. I once called poison control several times in one week. One of the calls was because my toddler ate some deodorant. His breath smelled like baby powder for days.

  89. No problem using that glass.
    At our house we like to say, everything tastes better with a little dog hair in it.

  90. We still use septic tanks here and are excited about getting city water!
    Progress! Thank you for reminding me to get my dog more flea medication!
    I sent one of your mugs to my sister. Can’t wait to hear her reaction.; )
    Try to sleep well tonight

  91. The dog water drinking is fine – drink away! However, the smoke thing would probably be my undoing…I’d want to leave but what if there was a fire and then I’d worry that there was a fire and I wouldn’t call if I stayed…and what if it set off the fire alarm? Do I tell the alarm people that it’s okay? Seriously, that’s the worst idea ever for a public utility…maybe they could use colored smoke. If it was purple or blue I’d KNOW it wasn’t a real fire…although maybe I’d think it was Harry Potter…as I said, this would be my undoing…glad you are so calm about it all!

  92. I tried to make a phone call on a flip flop in front of my 17yo and his girlfriend, and there’s a strange noise in my living room. We can’t decide if it is a bird or a frog, but either way, it wasn’t invited.

  93. Last Saturday my husband swapped my 1993 piece of shit car for a 1992 piece of shit car cause the 93 was making strange noises, and according to him, might “blow at any time “. He said the 92 had been having some battery issues, but when I said I wanted a new battery, he insisted it would be fine. After spending Monday thru Thursday at various medical appointments, today was the first day in my week off from work that I had no appointments. So I hop in the “new” car, try to start it, and no surprise, dead battery. Called him, gave him shit for not listening to me, and made him take me to get a new battery. (I knew there was a reason why we don’t live together anymore lol). By the time we got it all fixed, it was too late to get much done. That was my day.

  94. I know you’re dog is on the small side, but I didn’t think you could wash her in a drinking glass! 🙂 How does that work?

  95. So… I think I sprained my vajayjay today. As I was trying to poop, I suddenly and violently sneezed. Apparently, that is all it takes to break my lady bits. At least there wasn’t smoke coming out of the toilet after that! LOL 😳

  96. My apartment complex notified us they’re coming on Wednesday to check our HVAC system. We haven’t changed the filter in a few months (oh fuck) so I went to get a new one today. Apparently the size for our system—16.5x21x1—is no longer available in stores. Or anywhere. Unless I order online and wait. By which point they will already have come and seen that we haven’t changed the filter and probably written us up for not taking care of the thing, as per our contract. (They really do have a specific stipulation in the contract about it. My husband thinks I’m just freaking out about nothing.) So I ordered some and the delivery “window” they gave me was anytime between Monday and Friday. What do you want to bet they show up Wednesday AFTER the inspection? In the meantime the plan is just to show them that we’ve had to special order them and that they’re coming, we promise!

    Also, we first thought that maybe we could get away with smaller ones and bought a set at Lowe’s, but they were way too short, so I took them back, and of course as I was leaving the store the sky opened up and dumped a week’s worth of rain on my head. I didn’t even bother running to the car, I just hid my FitBit under my shirt so it wouldn’t get ruined and walked. I wasn’t going to get any wetter and I certainly couldn’t stay dry. The best that can be said is that I wasn’t wearing a white t-shirt.

  97. I once accidentally used my old electric toothbrush to brush my teeth, and only realized it was my old one because it lost its charge so quick … That was the same toothbrush I’d been using to brush the dogs’ teeth (manually, since there was no charge). I think you’ll be okay with the water. I survived. But I always make sure I keep the dogs brushes in the closet now.

  98. I’m still struggling with my newly acquired vag-bollock following a cycling incident. My intentional holes seem to be all filled up…But I think I’ll pass on calling the fire department.

  99. Drink a margarita or other alcoholic beverage to kill any microbes in your stomach. I was once french-kissed by an asshole seagull while restraining it for a vet exam and although I survived, a boozy beverage would have done wonders for my emotional state.

  100. My friend’s mom once was attacked by a squirrel that popped up out of the toilet….no, really it just brushed it’s wet tail across her vagina

  101. Hi 76MaryHS-Nope it was a bumblebee (female since the males don’t have stingers) I wish it was a honey bee, then I’d just look like I got stung instead of having a second ass! Lol

  102. Today was a series of disappointments…. including me being lectured by my boss for putting my feet up on my desk under a blanket so I can try to stretch my back which has been sore since Monday… and my chair at work doesn’t help… actually it makes it worse… (good thing my boss didn’t see me on the floor Monday in attempt to crack my back… Look, how am I supposed to sit at my desk or walk to the printer and work if my spine crapped out on me??? (Side note: Pretty sure I’m the odd duck at work.) Also, my trip to Iceland has been cancelled… but I watched To Wong Foo and have decided not to give a beep about anything else anymore, so I guess it evened itself out. Yey.

  103. As long as Hunter S Tomcat shares his weed, smoking is all good. Plus, at least you know you drank from a clean glass!

    I literally (Woo Hoo, I actually get to use that word!) spent the day herding cats, so there’s that.

  104. Johnny Cash was neutered yesterday. Picked him up from the vet this morning. His lame pain meds are giving him the liquid shit squirts. We’re not supposed to get his incision site wet. Fuuuuuuck.

  105. As far as drinking from the glass you used to wash your dog with, don’t feel too bad about it. Many, many years ago, I kept finding my toothbrush in the bathroom sink, and I couldn’t figure out how it kept falling out of the toothbrush holder, so I’d just put it back, and I’d find it back in the sink and I’d put it back again,, wash rinse repeat. This went on for months. I finally discovered how it kept ending up in the sink when I went into the bathroom and caught my cat sitting on the counter, chewing on the bristles.That’s when I learned that mint has a similar effect on cats as catnip does and that he was attracted to it by the residual minty smell from after I brushed my teeth. So, yes – I had been unknowingly sharing my toothbrush. With a cat. For God only knows how many months, and I’m the type of person who won’t even let my HUSBAND use my toothbrush! And no, the cat never developed minty fresh breath no matter how many times he got ahold of that toothbrush, in case you were wondering.

  106. Jenny. I haven’t said this recently, as I’ve been lax about checking your blog, but. . .I love you. 🙂

  107. Second note for this….I went to update my allergy list and my medication list and found the new medication on my allergy list. It caused me Vertigo. Not just “Oh I got up to fast….or I was bent over and stood upright to fast” kind of dizzy. When I say Vertigo, I mean Tilt-A-Whirl Carnival Ride from HELL! STOP THE WORLD LET ME THE FUCK OFF!!!! kinda dizzy. {sigh} Sorry about the language. And it’s the weekend so nothing to do until Monday except more nebulziers, cough medicine, take the old medicine and avoid going outside. Oh yeah, do nothing but coloring and listen to music as I can’t do anything inside either. I did however sleep in my own bed last night for 5 hrs. but had to get up to do this early morning nebs treatment.

  108. I successfully connected my new-to-me Mac computer to my HP printer… wirelessly! PLUS, I’m in my size 6 jeans again. Need one more win for a trifecta. 😀

  109. 18 year old cat decided that 4 a.m. weekend wakeups are still a thing so even after feeding her and going back to bed, she still came back to bed and slapped me in the face. Need sleep, and french fries.

  110. This isn’t a normal day for you? I’m really sure this would be considered normal for me. But my main concern is why would you wash the dog in poison LOL? although my dog is probably poison as well that’s why he smiles

  111. I’ve had days like that. Generally all the bad stuff bunches up in one go, so hopefully you’ve used up your trouble spots for a couple of days. <3

  112. I ate tortilla chips and guacamole. Then received a letter from the supermarket saying the guacamole is contaminated with salmonella. Even the snacks are out to get me.

  113. Re: drinking out of the dog water glass, you’re probably fine unless you suddenly get the urge to shake the moisture of your tongue like a dog after its bath, then yeah, maybe call poison control, or the vet.

  114. Smoke testing is totally a thing. If smoke can get out where it shouldn’t (e.g. cracked pipes), then water they don’t want can get into the pipe. If sewer pipes get too much water that isn’t sewage in them, things like storm water or ground water, then 1) maybe there’s more water than the sewer system or the sewage treatment plant can handle and 2) it actually makes the sewage harder to treat because it’s been diluted too much.

  115. If you see smoke, call a priest and tell him that Satan is trying to come through your pipes, and see if he offers to do an excorcism. Also, you’ve probably ingested a fair share of cat and dog hair up to now, so you should be OK.

  116. “Unintentional toilet holes ” sounds like it could be something else a lot worse and far more personal. That reminds me, I still have to do my COLOGUARD test, the new, wonderful latest torture test you can do in the privacy (so-called) of your own home in order to see if you have the gene for colon cancer. Lovely, what WILL they think of next? By “they”‘ I mean the Spanish Inquisition. And… oh, yes, my therapist will be leaving next month (and I really like her!) And I cant seem to get more than 3 to 4 hours of sleep @ night. It is playing hell with my fibro and bi-polar crap and digestive disorder and high blood pressure and on and…and…. it seems every day brings another exasperating knock-down drag-out argument with my husband, And I missed my nephew’s wedding last week because of said spouse and a panic attack … I WIN ,right? I mean, in a sarcastic way. At least I still have my lemurs. No, not literally, as pets or anything, which is a really bad idea anyway. But I can visit them on the web and we have a rescue place not so far away that has open houses and stuff. I am trying to get more involved in helping lemur causes. They really need it because they are all endangered to one degree or another. Nothing like helping with someone else’s crises to get your mind off your own troubles. And the Spanish Inquisition. So Jenny, and every body else, I feel for you all. Sometimes, I think the more shit that piles on just makes us more sympathetic and empathetic to others. I hope so, because I don’t want to lose those feelings.

  117. Happy to report that I bought a purse at a garage sale today with $5 in it – the exact amount that I paid for it. Hope you have a “happy free purse day” too!

  118. Well, my day was going great until about an hour ago, when I got stuck in traffic so awful that I have literally been parked on the freeway. Your blog made me laugh, though, so things feel a bit better now, even though I am still stuck here.

  119. I have been all around this world and seen all varieties of things, but I have never heard of someone “testing for holes.”

    Actually, there was this guy at a club once who claimed to be testing for holes, but he’d been drinking and thankfully, no one fell for it.

    What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think you should believe these guys. There’s something more going on there. Could they be installing listening devices or something?

  120. And I was wondering why I got out of bed today. Except that these days that’s a major accomplishment. You’re probably fine from the water- the dog was probably clean by then time you were done. Anyway he licks you all the time and he doesn’t call poison control! Why don’t you fill that probably huge glass and walk around with it all day so you can throw it on the first sign of smoke – And thanks. Your problems are always so more interesting than mine-
    It makes me feel more capable of dealing with mine. Love you. Write tomorrow so we know you survived!

  121. Now I have to google “smoke testing sewer lines.” If the sewer line is underground and a person is not actually in it (aren’t they too small?) how will they know if smoke is drifting to an underground hole? And doesn’t sewage produce flammable gasses? Is smoke going to come drifting up out of the toilet? I foresee exploding streets and toilets and people traumatized for life.

  122. So I had this super long message written but was scared I sounded creepy, so I’ll try to make this one a little less so lol… I am in LOVE with your audiobooks especially Furiously Happy! You have helped me with so many things and I relate to your books so much! To avoid writing a book myself, I won’t list the them all (especially since there’s a backstory to most of them..). Thank you for sharing them! Thank you for reading them for the audiobook version! Thank you for helping me maintain the bits of sanity I cling to day to day and explain myself to others in a way they can better understand it! Thank you for giving me a way to explain others to themselves in a way they can better understand themselves (I work with people with disabilities). I wish there was a way for me to explain all the ways you’ve helped me and might in the future without writing a book because I’m not a writer so it probably wouldn’t be a very good book, but please know I love you for sharing your story with the world in the way you do!

    Sorry this doesn’t have anything to do with the post, I just didn’t know how else to contact you.. Ps, the post does sound like a rather anxiety inducing day! I hope you and your house are both still standing!

  123. Hi all from Michigan. After 10 years on Effexor, then a 9 week weening off period, I am completely Effexor free! Yeah, but how come no one told me I haven’t shown emotions in 10 years? And….brain zaps????WTF!!! My brain feels like I am receiving sudden electrical shock therapy from those old tv sets channel UF every 5 minutes or so. Today I went from bursting out crying to laughing ridiculously out loud until my sides hurt. (Was rereading chapter of “Let’s Pretend T N H” where you used the doll head as a bong) So my point being….1) stay away from Effexor unless you want to become a zombie and 2) when weening off this fuck-with-your brain drug, lock yourself away from all human life for at least 5 days!! However I still think Sticklady reply # 43 had the suckiest day. Keep your windows up…….

  124. If it was an oatmeal dog shampoo, you could just call it breakfast too.

  125. Definitely call poison control. Wait, no. Just go there. (is it a place?) I’ll meet you there, we’ll die together. I just licked a spoon the dog had previously licked. I mean, you know. Not my original plan for the day, but what a way to go (I’m a big fan)

  126. Well, I haven’t died yet from letting my dogs eat some of the stuff I eat and vice versa. Unless your dog ate some rat poison, but then you might find that out before you go to poison control, so…

    btw–reading “Furiously Happy.” Love the book. definitely need it right now.

  127. Highlight for the day is that when the British are riled, their wit gets even more fierce and on-point. In response to Donald Trump’s blithering about Brexit, they called him a weapons-grade plum, muppet, numpty, tit, moron, and other affections with less family-friendly adjectives in play. You cannot make this stuff up. So from across the pond, thank you for enriching my vocabulary this wonderful sunny Sunday.

  128. Hello! This is probably not the most appropriate place for this, but I wanted to let you know that I loved both of your books and can totally relate on a number of levels. I too suffer from anxiety, depression, ADHD, and probably several unnamed syndromes that haven’t yet been identified. I have spent my life forcing myself into stressful potentially disastrous situations in order to seek some “normalcy,” when in reality, I really just want to take a nap. I wanted to share the story of my recent vacation with you, in case you need something to read during one of your more melancholy times. I will try to make it short just to get to my point.
    Recently, we took our two children (5 & 8) to Myrtle Beach. I made lists, planned meals, and spent a week preparing. We drove there (10 hours), and it was a surprisingly stress free. We stayed in a resort with my best friend from high school, her husband, and 10 year old daughter. We did a lot of great stuff: spent time on the beach, pools, hot tubs, walked the boardwalk, went to the aquarium, went to a “Pirate” dinner show, etc. Also, my husband had to fly out for a speaking engagement for two days, and I had to get him to and from the airport. The night before we left, I made lists, packed everything in a logical manner, and managed to get everyone in the car and leaving the beach by 7am. The trip home took close to 13.5 hours due to traffic slow downs. We were so glad to finally get home. After unloading the car, I sat in my chair and started shaking…not shivering, but shaking. My cheeks were on fire and red. I was freezing cold. I can only compare it to what happens to some people after they have a baby. You “come down” from the adrenaline rush that you have during birth and many new mothers shake and feel cold. I called and told my mother how I was feeling and gave her the same comparison. She said “What do you expect? You essentially GAVE BIRTH to a vacation and now its over.” I did not realize the sheer amount of anxiety and stress I was experiencing and suppressing during the trip. Ok, so maybe not so short, but my point is, I suppressed a lot of my anxiety and stress during the trip so that I could experience things with my children and friends. And it was fucking exhausting.

    Thanks for your awesome books and I’m with you sister! I’m going to have a drink.

  129. Supreme Court just struck down Texas TARP laws – so really a good day for women’s health!

  130. The other day you mentioned you had ML (maybe lupus), and I had to giggle/commiserate because my doc has (as I tell her) been “trying to give me lupus” for years. Every test I have had is…”probably not, could be, you’re dying slowly (well, who isn’t?)” blah, blah, blah.

    What I do have is fibromyalgia. I’m like a textbook case for it. Except I also run random fevers, sometimes have bilateral random rashes (though never the butterfly-thingy), and so on which is why the ML comes up from time to time.

    In short, my body hates me with a passion, so I hate her back and eat gluten. all. the. time.

    I also want to sleep all the time, but I don’t. I want to cry from the pain/exhaustion all the time, but I don’t (well, I don’t all the time….but sometimes….), and in general feel shitty. It’s like low-level noise for me. Always there, but something I try to ignore. It doesn’t always work, but I’m up and out of bed most days.

    Which is all a long way of saying you aren’t alone in that ML diagnosis. And, if I’d read through all the comments on that post I suspect I’d of found out there are a lot more like you and me out there. But, I didn’t, because exhausted and in pain.

  131. I’d be more worried about the odor of the smoke than the smoke itself. What about methane creeping into your house? Yargh…not enough plug-ins in the world for that mess…

  132. I think you’re probably good, because I’m fairly certain (?) I’ve seen you tweet in the last three days, so clean innards and a not-burnt-down house! Yay!

  133. Jenny,

    Don’t worry about drinking from the dog’s glass. I have drank from my cat’s many times. She prefers her water from a highball glass, and I get confused sometimes and reach for it instead of mine. Still living.

    On a separate note, I want to thank you for your writing and for your sharingself. I have read everything you have written, at least that which I know about! Reading you has helped me gain the courage to write myself. I wanted to share it with you as a sort of ode to your smart, funny, helpful self-disclosure. So while you wait to see what the dog water will do to you, if you’re interested, here are the beginnings of my musings:

    With gratitude,

  134. OMG yesterday at work someone came in to my office and told us all that they were testing the smoke alarms off and on all day and not to evacuate when we heard the sirens which of course made me think that it would be very unfoirtunate if a real fire happened. Would the same guy run around the entire 3 story building to announce it was a real fire this time? It also made me want to start a fire, but I didn’t. This post has inpired me to blog about this on my own blog! -Megan (Twitter: @vampyrebleu)

  135. Wrap yourself up in mattresses and sit really still in the center of an empty room.

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