Things I found on the internet that were sort of insulting and also very accurate

I keep a folder on my desktop of insulting things the internet has done to me.  It’s a very large folder.  Here are some of the most recent things which were insulting, and also very accurate and therefore even more insulting:

Suggested post on Facebook.  “Everything that inspires you, right here.” That right there is a dead squirrel in a ballet outfit. So…yeah.
COLOSSAL foot rasp. Change purse for weed money.
Recommended for me by Amazon.  COLOSSAL foot rasp. Change purse for weed money.  The usual.
Thanks, Linked in.
Thanks for believing in me, LinkedIn.
You don't know me, google.
You don’t know me, google.
What are you trying to say, google?
What are you trying to say, google?

Then someone told me to google my name + meme and I really should have known better after all of this.  But I didn’t.


Aw.  Thanks, internets.


And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):


This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by DIY Shareable, a site for DIYers who love to discover, create, & share inspiring DIY projects and ideas that highlight creativity, frugality, & repurpose.  From them: “Save money and time and let your creative juices flow in all things DIY, including home decor, crafts, organization, outdoor projects, and more.  Find DIY Inspiration in Our World. Share It in Yours.”  I’ve been looking at it and there’s a lot of great stuff about organization or decor but my personal favorite right now is the ugly Christmas Sweater post.  Now I need to make a puking reindeer sweater desperately.  Thanks, DIY Shareable.

61 thoughts on “Things I found on the internet that were sort of insulting and also very accurate

Read comments below or add one.

  1. That foot rasp looks good. I’ve never thought of your tits though. I’d never call you a bitch. Those memes are quite exciting. The foot rasp though. That’s cool.

  2. I was just served up an ad for Nordstrom’s – with a sexy swimsuit on the left and flannel PJs on the right. So I am flattered and insulted at the same time. But then again, I am a complicated woman, and obviously Nordstrom’s recognizes that.

  3. Did you buy the squirrel??? I literally cannot continue with my day until I know if you bought the squirrel.

    Ferris feels that this particular drawing is too angular. I’m not sure I agree, but he’s entitled to his opinion.

  4. Once the ads on Facebook, supposedly “tailored” to me were for: dating over 50, weight loss products, and assault rifle supplies. Ooookaaay.

  5. Facebook, Pandora, and Amazon all recently started showing me ads about teeth and dental school. I’m an English teacher, so I have no idea where that came from.

    Very possibly a sign from God. He’s going to have to forgive me for passing on that one….teeth are gross.

  6. Considering your book covers I would expect a squirrel in a tutu to be right up your alley. Although I have to say it doesn’t look nearly as good as your stuffed friends, so there’s that.

  7. Not sure exactly where to share this with you. A while back you posted a link to the youTube video ad for your book Furiously Happy. I shared it with my middle school teacher daughter because, as I told her, I felt she could have been a contributor and it made me happy/sad/proud/misty eyed…. Her response was one of the best gifts ever:

    We could all contribute, I imagine. Last week I told my students, every class, how strong you are and how I’ve known that since I was little. And yet you don’t seem able to recognize it. I imagine you are a little broken, like me, and also furiously happy at the same time. You taught me how to love and to laugh, and those are the things that get me through the tough parts of my generally acceptable, even enjoyable, life. So thank you for being strong for me and for your sacrifices and your love and understanding and acceptance and interest and compassion and thoughtfulness and a million other things. No one is perfect, and we are all a little broken, but you are perfect for me. And you make me FURIOUSLY HAPPY to be your daughter. And on the tough days I remember how much you love me and how warm and comforting and genuine your arms feel around me, and it makes the world feel a little more bearable and my load a little lighter to carry. It also makes me miss every moment you’ve ever hugged me because every hug means the world.

    I love you. Thank you.

  8. I was going to say something about the change purse (how nice that it was labeled for weed, so you don’t forget and spend it on something else), but then the meme thing totally distracted me. Can’t believe they went there with a goat. Boo!

  9. The meme thing is what killed me with this, so I decided to try it out. Cue pages and pages of Taylor Swift memes. Jenny, want to trade names?

  10. If I had only known earlier about your need to fart for people I would have pushed myself harder to actually USE my ticket to see you in Seattle instead of being a baby and not being able to leave my house 🙂 Your publisher never mentioned the farting on your promo pages. Might want to work on that. 🙂 I added that Rory “high five” tote to my wishlist so my husband knows that it’s the only thing I’ll be needing for Christmas. Unfortunately, that beautiful ring you showed us is no longer in stock, but the bag will be a good mood lifter, too. And screw Tom Hanks…he’s so filthy!!! 😉

  11. I too need to know if you bought the ballet squirrel. And you need to make a book bag with the oil barrel chicken on it and the other side a bath towel that says “knock knock mother fucker”

  12. O my gosh, Cindy! Your comment. What your daughter wrote. That there is the most beautiful tribute a mother could ever get. Your life’s work is complete, now you get to enjoy the fruits of your labour. As a mother with an equally grateful daughter, I also teared up. Just beautiful.

  13. Whenever I receive an email in my inbox telling me there is a new post by ‘The Bloggess’, it is the new best day of my life! Thank you, Jenny for making me so ridiculously happy and bringing a smile to my face! I love the shit out of you for it!

  14. Dude, I want to buy something just to have my credit card statement say 8lbs. of uncut cocaine! Last time I bought your calendar I screwed up and used my former employers’ address on where to ship…..that I was “let go” from. I never did see the calender.

  15. Those baby sloths make the same noise I do when forced to wake up too early in the morning…

  16. Omg those baby sloths are just adorable!! That noise! Awwwww! I’ve never seen a dead squirrel in a ballet outfit before, but you should totally get it.

  17. I have the weed coin purse. I do live in Colorado though so it’s practical. Not as practical as the foot rasp though….

  18. I saw the title of this post and thought sweet! Jenny is gonna cheer me up because the Internet isn’t doing it’s job again (which should be to make us feel good about ourselves, and to connect us with what’s going on in the world outside our caves). Hopefully I was gonna see a really witty response to the latest round of crap news or negativity-something that I could cling to when I felt like the Internet wasn’t giving me the love and adoration I deserved.

    Instead, it turns out that Google loves u Jenny! Takes an active interest in your life and even wants to help out😱 And Linkdin. And even fucking Amazon! I’m happy for you, and not jealous at all… not even a little bit. Besides, I totally think I saw MySpace checking me out the other day. U never know… I hear it’s gonna make a comeback.

  19. The urban dictionary says…Jenny is an amazing, creative girl. She is the epitome of a goddess and anyone would kill to have her.She can do anything she sets her mind to and she’s wonderful. So us Jennys rock! Tho it is a little concerning people would kill for us…….jen

  20. I watched the sloth video and my first thought was how I wanted to pick them up and snuggle them.

    My second thought was that Mama sloth probably feels the same way I do when my kids are whining at me.

  21. Facebook recently suggested I join a group called ‘Going Grey Gracefully.’ Fuck you too, Facebook.


  23. I am always amazed, and often mortified by what the internet suggests I need. That dead squirrel in the Ballerina costume of yours was better than anything I have ever had suggested though. LOL. But hmmm, as a DIY girl, I do have a dead,frozen squirrel laying out in my driveway right now though…it’s not horribly flattened. Maybe just a little on the chin. One of the dogs found it beside the road and brought it home for me. I might consider dressing it up at bit. 🙂

  24. Watching baby sloths is always a good idea. But even better, that video linked to, where you can watch a whole lot more sloth videos any time you want to. Highly recommended.

  25. My name + meme = Sean Bean saying “One does not simply try to understand Mrs. Completely”. And The Viking agreed, though I’d still like to know how Sean Bean knows me well enough to make judgements.

  26. We all know that first one is so you. Don’t pretend you didn’t check the price. Also you are awesome!!! Love you and everyone on here

    (Guilty. ~ Jenny)

  27. Earlier today on my Facebook feed was an advertisement for beer. Multi-thousand dollar beer. The bottle of which is encased inside a taxidermied squirrel. Now, I can’t drink. I’m poor. And if a taxidermied squirrel ever appeared in my kitchen, my child would refuse to ever eat again, even if there WAS no inherent connection made between the dead animal and consuming anything. All the same, for once, I could understand why Facebook was advertising the things to me that it was. I was connected to you there. That was probably enough reason for taxidermied novelty booze.

  28. My name meme sucks. There’s hardly anything out there for my name. (Except that I share it with the little girl in “Land of the Lost,” which makes it harder to find something non-dinosaur related.)

  29. Jenny! They are sending you the coin purse link because of your affinity for the “Carpe the f^ck out of this diem” socks! I just saw those coin purses at my local independent bookstore (where you should totally come do a signing).

  30. My first name is BJ (yes, seriously. It’s a long story). Something tells me I shouldn’t google “BJ + meme” here at work.

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