And that’s why you can’t trust vampires.

So…yeah.

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And that’s why you can’t trust the vampire patriarchy.

PS. If this is confusing to you you should start here.  Or just ignore.  Totally up to you.

130 thoughts on “And that’s why you can’t trust vampires.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Why did they send Brad Dingleman the exact same application number as yours?? Something fishy is going on here…

    (Right?! I assume it’s a way to punish me by giving him my application number. Terrible, spiteful vampires. ~ Jenny)

  2. I have to say I’m very impressed that the Children of the Night have a thorough bookkeeping system complete with reference numbers. You should check to see if they have a reward scheme which entitles you to things like priority coffin rental and crypt upgrades.

  3. I don’t understand the ever-changing rules of the Vampires. Could you write a definitive guide to vampirism? Because all the Anne Rice books, Twilight, True Blood, etc. are just conflicting now. And we need to know the truth. And what about the dog? Does he want a photo of the dog? Poor Schnitzel. Are werewolves this troublesome?

  4. Please, PLEASE send them Brad’s form… I’m picturing Nicolas Cage in Vampire’s Kiss for the photo…

  5. Seriously Jenny, WEMPIRES.
    You will be happy. By Daniel Pinkwater, whom you probs already know of.
    If not,…..you will be really REALLY HAPPY!
    One might even say….furiously happy.
    (forgive me. Then order Wempires )

  6. So it’s either because Brad has a penis (presumably) or NOT a small dog/wannabe vampire pooch. Either way, you dodged a bullet (a silver one, anyway).

  7. I just know that Brad is one of those douchey ive league types that wears a sweater over his shoulders and is a memeber of a tennis club. Just like every 80’s teen movie taught me

  8. I wonder if you would need a separate form for lil schnitzel?! They never said.

    Really?! Brad!? You ruin everything!!!

    I say you join the werewolves..just to spite them!

    E

  9. Please please please send Brad’s application in… this is the best thing going on in my world right now. Which I think is either hilarious or tragic. Lol

  10. I think Brad needs to reply, letting them know he is in, as long as they won’t accept Zuzu Petals and Lil Schnitzel! Well, maybe Lil Schnitzel would be okay, because Brad kind of liked that dog….

  11. Brad the Vampire? That’s who they want in their brotherhood? Will he hang out with Chet and Biff in the Vampire lounge? The Ladyhood will be way cooler than this. Do I send you my application and photo? And also, a picture of my cat? Because I’m in. Down with the Vampire Patriarchy!

  12. I’m a little concerned that the Vampire Lord is named Jiang Shi. I mean, that’s what those “Chinese hopping vampires” are called. Do you really even want to be a vampire if you have to hop everywhere for eternity?

  13. Omg. Don’t click on my name. I put my website as “YourMomLovesDanes .com” and it now links to a search that ends in crazy porn (because of course it does). I mean, if that’s your thing… but otherwise I don’t recommend it.

  14. Actually though this doesn’t technically say you can’t join if you’re married. Maybe “yes” is the correct answer.

    I’m married, so I might check. Although I don’t know if I want to be a vampire. Is there a Werewolf Brotherhood?

  15. I do think that Brad should reply, cool photo and all. I think for the phone number, a real one, of a person you don’t like, would be awesome. Can you imagine the call? Of course you can. 🙂 Like others have said, this is the funniest thing that is going on right now, please keep going. Also, your blog has the best comments evah.

  16. I’ve read all of these posts and I feel like somewhere in the Vampire Brotherhood there should be at least one vampire who could act as a proofreader. How can they expect to recruit more vampires if some of their responses aren’t clear due to word choice or lack of punctuation! Just because they’re undead, they’re not excused from a little editing.

  17. To any club that would accept Brad Dingleman: toodleoo, douchecanoe! (Either that, or hold out until you hear something from the “high” master; Jiang and Paul seem to be lower on the hierarchy — or haven’t been smoking enough of the ganj.)

  18. I’m fascinated by the fact you have to leave a reason for wanting to join. I would think the club name would be self-explanatory.

  19. I picture Seinfeld saying “Dingleman!” in disgust like when he says “Newman” that way.

  20. And after you specifically told them to look out for Brad. Well, they deserve him then.

  21. Those bastards!
    I hope you are busy crafting some kind of clever email from Brad. Maybe Brad also has a small dog or maybe Brad wants to become lord of the Vampires. Maybe Brad is planning a hostile takeover of the brotherhood. Maybe Brad could be as annoying to the brotherhood as Zuzu. Maybe Brad is a vegan too. Maybe Brad is still secretly in love with Zuzu and wants the brotherhood to trick her into becoming a vampire so that they can spend eternity together. Maybe I’ve given this too much thought. 😀

  22. I their defense,they do apparently think the applicant is Brad DingLeman,vs Brad Dingleman,who could be a totally different person.

  23. Vampires are such dicks (and apparently have to have them to be accepted into The Personhood).

  24. Maybe the head vampire IS Brad Dingleman! And he’s been fucking with Zuzu’s head this whole time! All in a plot to see if she’s moved on and gotten married and ugly. Hence the photo and marital status request. What a dick.

  25. Omg their letting brad in. You already warned them he’s a jerk. Their going to grant a jerk immortality, that’s it I’m against vampires. I bet werewolves wouldn’t do this. Maybe you should become a werewolf instead. Just a thought

  26. Thank you for this.

    On my phone screen, it looked like they were accepting (maybe) Brad DingLemon. It took me a second to remember “Dingleman!” (a la “Newman!” as mentioned above.

  27. We should start our own Vampire Matriarchy. We can call it “Bite Squad!” oh… wait.

  28. Damn that Brad Dingleman, gettin’ to join the Vampire Brotherhood, just because ZuZu said they should reject him!

    Really surprised they didn’t BEG you, I mean ZuZu to join ASAP, once you sent them the mug idea!

  29. Dear Zulu, you probably wont remember me but I worked with you at Applebee’s at the same time as Brad. I had been working at Hooters but after a women’s studies class at community college I just couldn’t go on trading my boobs for cash. I thought it would be different at a high class establishment like “the Apple,” as we used to call it…remember? All those jokes about wanting to get out of this God-forsaken town and to a place like the Big Apple. Anyway, I have been looking for Brad for a few years now. After a whirlwind romance I made the mistake of letting him move in with me. One night he went out for weed aand never came back. Not only did he steal all my savings, he took my greatest possession, my antique accordion that I had built my entire one-act life story around. My dreams of glory on Broadway have been crushed by Brad Dinhleman. Please let me know if you find him. I’ve heard he is trying to get into an all ladies vampire group. I’m sure the jerk wants to steal more lady dreams. In solidarity, Princess Tulip

  30. gasp! although I am not surprised coming from a brotherhood and all.. if they will let the likes of Brad in – I’d cut my losses and blind em with ass… good riddance o_0

  31. First week of 2017 down, only 51 more to go. I hope the rest of the year will see you rocking it like you did the first one, Jenny! Keep up the good work!

  32. I’m very concerned that you both ZuZu & Brad have the same Vampire Applicant Number (VP/849/3920/24BD). Does that mean that you will be linked for all eternity? I’d stick with mortality…

  33. Bro-pires before ho-pires. Hence the need to know your marital status and the reason they gave your ID number to Brad. The brotherhood don’t play.

  34. How come Brad gets the fancy email with red letters and better formatting? Sexist bats. I think we should get some stakes, crucifixes, and holy water and hunt them down. Oh, and a sunlamp too.

  35. They took out the “NOTE” part. The part explaining… well, I wasn’t quite sure because the grammar was so poor.

  36. Nooooooo! That rat bastard. He’s not in the double unicorn success club, is he? If so, we need to call an emergency meeting and kick his ass OUT!

  37. Well they turned out to be a total disappointment. Does anyone have any integrity these days?

  38. What was once referred to as the Vampire Brotherhood will now henceforth be known as, “The Dingleman Group and affiliate Vamps”. He’s taking over would be my guess. Stupid, Brad! It’s gonna put him in a higher tax bracket and all, collecting all those membership fees. Stupid, stupid, Brad! He doesn’t even realize the ramifications yet, mwahahahaha!

  39. If they’re going to take just anyone, Brad Dingleman included, is this really a club you want to be a part of? It’s like Mean Girls just moved to a bigger table in the lunch room. I say pass.

  40. I feel like the only thing to do at this point is start your own “Ladyhood of Vampires and Small Dogs & not Brad Dingleman” just to prove that you can beat their patriarchal society. Anyone would be able to join, of course. Except Brad Dingelman.

  41. I feel sort of betrayed, like how could they just go ahead and just send a form to Brad Dingleman when ZuZu was still in talks with joining them! No loyalty! Can’t trust Vampires is right!

  42. This has provided so much entertainment and joy over the past couple of days! I had high expectations for the beginning of 2017 and the first few days were just sort of blah … but this … THIS … has been what it’s all about. I’m buying a mug immediately. Xo!

  43. That dirty double-dealer. Actually, both of them – Jiang Shi/Master Paul AND Brad Dingleman.

    Next time I need to take over a planet or be abandoned on one or whatever, it won’t be “KHAAAAAN” that I shout into the void. It will be “DingleMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!” (with the proper rising inflection, of course, I never do these things halfway.)

  44. What Kelly said: where’s the love for big dogs?
    I’m not sure I want to be a vampire if they only have little dogs, even if it’s a Ladyhood. Little dogs can be as annoying as vampires, so I guess I’m stuck with Team Werewolf. (Can you imagjne how ridiculous little-dog-werewolves would be?)

  45. OH NO THEY DINNIT!!! That’s just spiteful. What a yellow bellied, double dealing vampire blood selling asshat.

  46. ^^Kelly, I suspect the Great Danes are being actively recruited by the Werewolves. 😉

  47. I thought you should know that this person, this “Master Paul”, is a fraud.
    Although he calls himself Master Paul in the body of the email, the name associated with the email address is Jiang Shi.
    In Chinese, ‘jiangshi’ is the term used for a “hopping” vampire, which is a vampire dressed in clothes from the Qing Dynasty, and would have likely been an underling or servant whilst alive.
    It moves around by hopping with its arms outstretched – so not original if you ask me.
    So this guy is no ‘Master’; he’s just some rando small time guy who gets around by hopping like a weirdo dressed in old clothes and is obviously trying to rip you off.
    Just thought you should know!

  48. Sounds like it’s time for the Red Reaper and Bones to take the contract on Jiang Shi and Brad….

  49. If they have to have a phone number for Brad, then I suggest you give them the number of your most hated person in Congress, whoever that may be. Or whomever. Whomever corrects me can NOT be in the vampire ladyhood. Unless vampires are naturally good at grammar, but you showed they’re not good at spelling and grammar is WAY harder.

  50. So, they are total jerks for ignoring your warnings about Brad Dingleman. Obvs.

    But can we also talk about the fact that the application asks your purpose for joining? Shouldn’t that be self-evident?

  51. Perhaps you can’t join the vampire brotherhood because they are intolerably sexist and want you to wear makeup and fix your hair, and they’re worried you won’t be able to, what, with the whole mirror problem and everything. I mean, who wants an unkempt vampire? No one, that’s who.

  52. Sounds like a cover for something not-quite-legal! Better get Angel Investigations on this ASAP… or, if you’re old-school, get Detective Nick Knight of the Toronto Police Force (because, of course) on the case.

  53. Jenny, do you know that “Jiang Shi” (the person who sends the e-mail) means “zombie” in Chinese? Think about it…

  54. Lol so I’ve been emailing this volkov hartman and I just picked up back up from a year ago and I guess he’s now with “Vampire community” lmao so ..don’t become a vamp😂 or a brad

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