You can be anything you want to be. Unless you want to be a vampire with a vagina, apparently.

So, if you’ve been following the ongoing vampire scam saga you know that it’s still continuing even today and that ZuZu Petals isn’t being allowed to buy tainted blood bags and is now being blackballed from the Vampire Lord Brotherhood.  (If this seems weird then you probably haven’t been reading the updates in the last 12 hours so go here and catch up.)

I assume this is all because I pushed my Feminist-Agenda a little too hard and the male-dominated Vampire society is now running scared and is discriminating against me and my imaginary dog, so I’m going undercover to see if I can get some vampire blood by posing as a man.

This man:

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Also, I’ve been asked for LadyHood of Vampires merch so here you go:

screen-shot-2017-01-06-at-12-50-58-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-06-at-12-51-22-pm

Also available in flasks, notebooks, journals, and shirts.

All proceeds go to dismantling the vampire patriarchy.  The usual.

UPDATED.  Click here for a whole lot of bullshit.

147 thoughts on “You can be anything you want to be. Unless you want to be a vampire with a vagina, apparently.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I just laughed inappropriately loudly at my desk. Day. Made. Thank you so much for this.

    For the record, I’m assuming your brand of lady vampires don’t sparkle like those Other Vampires Which Shall Not Be Named do?

  2. As soon as I saw you were pretending to be Brad Dingleman I started laughing out loud at my desk and I’m still lauging while typing this.

    Never, ever stop being you 🙂

  3. trolling a scammer. I’m pretty sure that’s how you get a guarantee into heaven, if there is a heaven, unless you’re a vampire. I feel like they wouldn’t go to heaven, unless you use your powers only for good and only drink vegan blood?

  4. It’s so entertaining to read about you stringing along the scammer. I’m afraid he has probably abandoned you as a lost cause. And will probably recognize the name Brad Dingleman. But at least there is some cool merchandise out of it!

  5. Start your own coven, you have so many followers all around the world. When it’s daytime your time the people here can keep the business going.

  6. This is amazing. Following this over the last few days has been the highlight of me week!

  7. Guess I can’t join. I’ve only got a large greyhound, who would so rock it as a blood thirsty vampire hound. He’d be able to chase down any meal quickly. Kinda like ordering out, but it would be more messy. BTW my autocorrect wants me to use vamputee as a word. does it even exist as a word?

  8. I really wish this happened before Christmas so I could ask for the flask from Santa LOL …. ummm – I just realized that Santa and Satan have the same letters….. Did anyone else notice this???

  9. This is amazing. And inspiring.
    There is a gigantic iron ball in Europe, and this one guy is claiming that it is made of spent electrons (he says he may be at liberty to give you details if you email him). I have not yet emailed him, but reading this makes me tempted to pose as a Pretend Guy so I can learn his (most likely not vampire-related) secrets.

  10. I honestly did not believe I could love you more. Oh, how wrong I was about that. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying here at my desk. This is the best work day ever!

  11. Also crying at my desk getting caught up on this drama. My only question: are you a vegan IRL?

    (Not even a little. ~ Jenny)

  12. You go girl!! And if this doesn’t work out for you, give VooDoo a try. It’s oddly satisfying. And maybe you could use it on the Vampire Lord Brotherhood. You can buy VooDoo kits from Amazon……and they don’t care if you have a vagina or a penis.

  13. I think the scammer vampire lord knows your onto him. You need to ask him for money for all the free advertising you’ve been giving him.

  14. That sexist motherfudrucket!!! I’m totally in for you starting a Lady Vampire Club!! I have a mini weiner dog that would be an excellent vampire dog. Send me the forms gurl!!

  15. I think your next book should be called “The Vampire Vagina Monologues”. You may have to clarify that it is about female vampires and not about vampiric vaginas. Although….I feel like vampiric vaginas is a completely untapped literary genre! Something to think about!

  16. I second the motion to start our own vampire ladyhood, but only if we get to still use our pillow fort.

  17. How did you make that already, you little devil you..oops i mean.. vampire you…I am not sure I want to be one now…I think I might want to be a zombie instead. Do you know any?

  18. OMG. What if you merged the Ladyhood of Vampires with the Unicorn Success Club…how epic would that be??? Or would the vampires try to kill the unicorns like in Harry Potter? I hope not. Or maybe offer to merge the unicorns with their club, but make them promise no one would get hurt? This could be the path towards knocking down vampire/unicorn barriers!

  19. I wonder if “Jiang” is able to make more sales in his native language. I hope he’s able to be more persuasive than, “Look, I (don’t) have time for this shit, okay. Just send money if you want the vampire blood.”

  20. Book idea – screw around with all the dumb people who spam your blog, document it, get it published and BAM, bestseller.

  21. Dear Jenny or ZuZu Petals or whomever you are,
    Please stop using my name in your blog. You’re ruining my reputation. And spelling my name incorrectly.
    xoxo,
    Brad Dingelman

  22. If they let Brad Dingleman in the club Zuzu should become a werewolf since vamps and werewolves are natural enemies, and who wants to be part of the same club as Brad Dingleman anyway?

  23. I had a nightmare about doing baby making stuff with Brad Dingleman and afterwards, random Dinglepubic hairs were forming into massive tumble weaves on my front lawn. When I woke up, a tree had fallen over on my car. Brad Dingleman and his Wandering Pubic Hairs are clearly a curse beyond Patriarchal Vampires.
    ps, I love you Jenny Lawson.

  24. So how much does a membership in the Ladyhood cost? Whatever it is, it would be worth every penny. We all have a Brad Dingleman in our past. But I don’t think I can drink blood. I humbly suggest replacing the blood bag with a Bloody Mary.

  25. Ladyhood of Vampires, count me in! I don’t have any money but I have some pocket lint, gum and a tampon. Will that work? Also, I have a cat.

  26. Okay, if you have not already seen it, see What We Do in the Shadows. See the shit out of it. Vampire housemates in a modern day New Zealand suburb (it’s by Jemaine Clement, what do you expect). And two lady vampires kicking boy vampire ass and taking boy vampire names. Not to mention werewolves hanging out in the park.

  27. Okey-doke. I’m gonna get me one a them there coffee mugs. Unless by joining the ladyhood of vampires i will no longer have taste for coffee anymore. And that would be a total waste because I just bought 3 boxes of my favorite biscotti, and I can’t imagine it would be as good dipped in blood.

  28. These posts are why we need you in this world. You make it brighter and help us laugh through our pain. #smashthevampatriarchy

  29. Instead of drinking blood, we should do like the Catholic Church does, drink wine and just pretend it’s blood.

  30. If you sell enough mugs & stuff then Lil Schnitzel could get his own membership and not ride your coattails into eternity. I like the idea of him being his own Vampupper. Unless he’s a lady dog, then there’s still that glass ceiling. I have to go re-read the post.

  31. Can we make this a print? I feel like it needs to hang on my office door so people know where I stand on vampire patriarchy before talking to me. Also, it would feel like a clubhouse for the Ladyhood.

  32. I can’t believe you did this ahaha. Omg I love the mugs and journals!! I wish I had money!

  33. DYING!!! snorted out my iced tea onto my keyboard!

    Makes me think of the “Black Dagger Brotherhood” (a naughty vampire book series) and reminds me I might wanna read them again…

    ZuZu, you are the BESTEST!!! <3 <3 <3

  34. Is Brad Dingleman the principle from tv series, Square Pegs? Jenny, you give me the biggest laughs. I may have popped out a rib from laughing so hard. Worth. It.

  35. I see that the mug comes with optional chocolates. No bag of blood then? Ooooh, or is the blood IN the chocolates? Aaaah, you are a crafty one, you Ladyhood High Priestesses!

  36. Just watched “What We Do In the Shadows” (Hilarious Film, BTW) and you’re absolutely right… not a lot of lady vampires. Eternally easy to find a date, on the bright side. Here’s a link to the trailer of that film. https://youtu.be/Cv568AzZ-i8

  37. The ladyhood of vampires has to be cooler than any silly sexist jiangshi vamps, especially since jiangshi (if they’re really gonna convert you to a chinese vampire)* can’t even bend their knees, have to hop everywhere with their arms out like bouncy zombies (complete with rotting skin), and don’t even suck blood!

    *Also, you can transform yourself without their help. Wiki says all you need to do is die and have a pregnant cat jump over your coffin before you’re buried. Simple. Or just be extra stubborn and refuse to stay dead. Then you too can awkwardly hop around the neighbourhood slurping qi. Just be careful not to fall over (have you ever tried to get up without bending your limbs? It’s hard!).

  38. I want that flask! (What better way for an incognito daytime vampire to hide their stash of blood?) If I didn’t live in China – which I’m sure makes for expensive shipping, I would order one today. I feel like I need to bookmark that item or something, so I can get it when we move back to the US.

    Oh wait, the Vampire Overlord was something like “Jiang Shi”, right? A totally Chinese-sounding name. I bet he’s here. I think I’ll have to go undercover and seek him out. There was a dude on the overnight train I took who sat up all night in the hallway… it’s probably him.

  39. That was so funny I bet even the vampire lord laughed before he gave up on $ prospects. Maybe he’ll email again when he gets bored. I already asked for a flask for valentine’s day.

  40. Vampires, vaginas, vegan. I’ve a feeling your Vampire Lord may not have the strongest command of the English language.

  41. I sent this to a coworker, and then I had to explain to him that you were trolling ‘Master Paul.’ Then I had to explain what trolling is. Sigh.

  42. I’m still LMFAO at this. Really? And now I can totally believe in the Mortal Instruments without guilt and not feel bad!! Thank you crazeballs Vampire kinda Lord. I just asked my Mastiff and he is totally down. Just not with Brad.

  43. I feel for the vampire lord banging his head on the desk. My brother told me when he gets telephone scams he tells them – F**k you, Fat Freddie. I’ve been doing that since. It gives me great joy to think of leagues of these creeps sitting around going “who is this Fat Freddie they speak of?”, and now – Brad Dingleman – yay.
    Also, I have a red heeler who would be an amazing vampire dog. Velcro dog thru Eternity! She would also really rock a cape.

  44. OMG you are going to make me pee! I feel another book in your future………the Fangs of Brad Dingleman perhaps????????? Such a fan since Furiously Happy and this blog came into my life! TY for the entertainment.

  45. This whole vampire scam thing is just hilarious. I get annoyed too quickly to string along scammers like this, but it’s so entertaining when you do it! I want that mug.

  46. I tried to look up Brad Dingleman, in case he was a pop reference I didn’t get and Google suggested “Brad Dingleberry.”
    Even Google hates that guy.

  47. My question is, if he sends a bag of blood, where exactly did he get that blood? Isn’t that a bio_hazard? I mean, you don’t know where that blood’s been, what type, or is it even human? What if it’s that fake movie blood? Can you get a notarized guarantee that’s it’s actual human or vampire blood, and would that fall under the regulations of the FDA or the Office of the Surgeon General? Can you barter a blood exchange if you don’t have the money? I’m not sure Master Paul has thought this through about the ramifications that could occur if the federal government gets involved. After all, they’re gonna want to get their share (taxes). Just some things to think about…..

  48. Any chance you can make these (and some of your other products) available as shot glasses? This should really be a shot glass. Mind if I say “shot glass” one more time? “shot glass”.

  49. I’d say that if you are in the business of selling blood you’d have to expect the sort of queries from the nutters who want to buy it. You might even put up with more of it than you would in any other industry. I would say it is less about your vagina and more about the way you stirred things up. And I would add that they are as entitled to be a male dominated society as you are to push your feminist agenda.

  50. So… read the continuing and totally discriminatory correspondence from The Vampire Lord to my husband as he is driving us through the frozen tundra formerly known as The South East Coast of the USA, enjoy route to Florida, which I am hoping will not resemble the Ice Miner’s lair from The Year Without a Santa Claus.
    Thank you for bringing to light the abominable grammar of this organization. My husband and I will certainly steer clear of these Vampires. I mean what self respecting Vampire speaks like that?
    Now, if you had said you were conversing with a Brotherhood of Were-folk… totally different story.
    Once again… thank you for the lovely rearing material to keep us informed on The World of Vampire while we are traversing wilds of 85 Saturday during Winter Storm Hellinahandbasket

  51. And please ignore the typos… en route and the Ice Miser apparently are not in my autocorrect vocabulary… stupid auto correct.
    And 95 South … it doesn’t like 95 S either!

  52. Jenny, you are national treasure. I don’t want you to become a vampire. I want you to just be your own creative, funny, wonderful person. Next, you need to take on the IRS scammers who swear the sheriff is out to get me.

  53. I must come up with a suitably awesome novel to write in that “Ladyhood of Vampires” notebook. Maybe one about a lady vampire and her vampire dog fighting against the patriarchy of the space vampires… 🙂

    Or maybe I’ll just use it at work to take notes in, and shock any of the stodgy old board members who drop by and see it. 😉

  54. First thought, she’s off the meds. Second thought, I’m off the meds. Third thought, I need one of those! Best laugh in a week!

  55. THANK YOU for starting off 2017 with this, this has heen the best thing to follow since the FL baby eagle was born! Please keep this going, and never change!!

  56. i want to inform you that out there people are claiming to be vampire and they turn out to be fake that how i payed them lot of money at the end it was fake.thank God i found the real vampire,who turn me into vampire within one week and his name is morrisonandason and you can contact him. email:morrisonandason@yahoo.com.

  57. Idk where to leave a comment cause I don’t have the brain power at the moment to find the proper theme to match my question but, what was the saying you heard from the writer, that you needed when you, needed a writer to motivate you, after you wrote. As in, before you read for an audiobook that ended up in the a bonus chapter of a audiobook that I Borrowed from a library cause I’m broke and can’t afford books. I tried to borrow it again but it’s on hold. So yeah was just trying here cause apparently I have no patients.

  58. I turn to a vampire any time i want to. i become a vampire because of how people treat me, this world is a wicked world and not fair to any body. at the snack of my finger things are made happened. am now a powerful man and no one step on me without an apology goes free. i turn to human being also at any time i want to. and am one of the most dreaded man in my country. i become a vampire through the help of my friend who introduce me into a vampire kingdom by given me their email. if you want to become a powerful vampire kindly contact the vampire kingdom on their email worldofvampir@hotmail.com

  59. And yet how is it, so many male vampires are turned by female vampires and yet the story is only about the men who apparently can’t get it up anyway….-DV

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