UPDATED: I’m gonna be a vampire. Maybe.

(SEE UPDATES BELOW.)

I always get spam comments on my blog about weird stuff like voodoo spells and contacting the dead, but a few days ago one came in telling me that I could become a vampire.  One of my favorite things to do with these sort of comments is to actually respond and see how far I can take the conversation into the strange and ridiculous.  Usually I only get one or two emails back before they give up and realize I’m not actually going to give them my personal information and/or money but this one went on longer than usual so I decided to share it.  (You can click on any of the screenshots to embiggen.)

The original comment:

vampire

I was a little concerned that the word “vampire” was misspelled on their email address but vampires aren’t known for spelling so I still had hope.   The following is a direct screenshot of our conversation.  I used my ZuZu Petals account because I’m pretty sure you don’t give your real name to people who might be vampires..  Also, I was late-night drinking when I wrote some of these responses, so please forgive the typos.

Here you go:

screen-shot-2017-01-03-at-8-34-01-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-03-at-8-37-19-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-03-at-8-38-55-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-03-at-9-34-12-pm

It’s been 12 hours since the last response so I think I may have scared him off.

I’ll keep you posted if me and Lil Schnitzle get in.

UPDATED!

I kept everyone updated on the vampire situation via twitter:

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-9-37-42-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-9-39-07-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-9-39-37-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-9-40-05-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-9-41-09-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-9-44-12-pm

And I thought that this would mark the end of my adventures but THEN I GOT ANOTHER EMAIL FROM THE VAMPIRE LORD.  Coming as a complete surprise to everyone involved, he wanted money.:
screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-9-47-47-pm

My response:

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-10-00-22-pm

 

To be continued…

UPDATED PART 2:
It’s been 24 hours so I suspect I’m being ignored by the vampire lord but I’m not giving up so easily.  Email I sent tonight:

screen-shot-2017-01-06-at-12-12-58-am

screen-shot-2017-01-05-at-11-33-48-pm

screen-shot-2017-01-06-at-12-13-23-am

No response so far, but Lil Schnitzel hasn’t given the dream up yet.

raw-1

To be continued…

UPDATED: It’s been 12 hours and I think ZuZu is being blackballed.  But I’m not giving in that easily.  Click here for the next step because this post is getting too long.

223 replies. read them below or add one

  1. OMG, this was just the best…I needed this today…you are always a great source of smiles and laughs Jenny…thank you! And now I want to be a vampire with you…please…

    Liked by 4 people

    The Hellion recently posted Things I Wont Be Doing In 2017.

  2. Eternity isn’t one of my turn ons but the idea of creating dog vampires does do something for me – let me know if you get follow up!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is fucking rich, I love it. Please keep me posted on the immortality status (or lack thereof) for you for Lil Schnitzle.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Lol. That’s awesome. You make me want to actually respond to people.

    Liked by 5 people

  5. 5
    Jenni (aka Sassypants)

    Good call on Brad Dingleman. That guy is a jerk.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. :dies laughing: Wait, does that mean I get to be a vampire too?? 😂😂

    Liked by 2 people

  7. OMG, why do I never get these offers? Lol, love your correspondence with that nut job. Good luck becoming a vampiress.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. 🙂
    I wouldn’t want to be a space vampire either. And yikes, after dealing with all the patriarchy here in regular life, who needs it in the vampire world?
    Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. 9
    Kathryn Thrush

    This was the BEST thing to read this morning!!!!
    LOVE

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Thanks for the GREAT READ! Keep up the good vampire work.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. No fair. I can barely get invited for drinks I don’t have to pay for…why does all the fun stuff happen to everyone else? Clearly I don’t spend enough time googling strange things!

    Liked by 1 person

    iamthekrakenblog recently posted Forget Resolutions, Try Something New.

  12. I love that there’s a “Vampire Applicant No.” ROFL

    Liked by 1 person

  13. This is brilliant.

    Like

    miller8910 recently posted Day 27 – We Did It.

  14. This is exactly what i needed this morning. Brad Dingleman…omg. Also, did you see Blade Trinity? Vampire Pomeranians are scary as fuck.

    Liked by 1 person

    Jess@NoPithyPhrase recently posted Not The Theme I Was Looking For This Week.

  15. It could be that Vampire Lord IS Brad Dingleman and now he’s frantically texting all his ex’s.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. 16
    Supercatgrrl

    I love everything about this post!!!! Haha! I needed that!

    Like

  17. Someone needs to apply as Brad Dingleman. Like, right now.

    Liked by 3 people

  18. I needed this laugh this morning!! My kids were a nightmare and a half getting ready for school today. My son cut a hole in one of his brand new shirts because he tried cutting the tag off it while he was wearing it. I didn’t think the morning could get worse until he did that and it did. But this, this is pure gold on a morning where it’s raining shit. I prefer the gold. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  19. You have inspired me to have fun with spam emails. I used to consider them an annoyance but now I know they can be a rich source of laughter. Thank you for your books and blog They have helped me through many rough days.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Back in college I thought I might be a vampire. It pained me to be out during sunlight hours though I don’t recall a lot of bloodlust. Good luck, I hope it all works out 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Omg bawhahaha I love this. Your the best 😂 Brad Dingleman 😂😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Pft…that vampire thing is a scam. All I got out of it was a wallet sized photo of Bela Lugosi and instructions on how to make a construction paper medallion. I mean, the least they could do is pony up for the teeth, amiright?

    Liked by 5 people

  23. Trying to google a directory of vampires to see if we can maybe look up who is already a member of the Brotherhood or sign up for their mailing list or, you know, sign up friends who might be interested. Nada. But I’m pretty sure I’ll be on a number of supernatural spammer lists now because thanks search engines.

    Liked by 1 person

    iamthekrakenblog recently posted Forget Resolutions, Try Something New.

  24. How funny! I also would like to be a vampire, but most emphatically NOT a space vampire. I saw Stargate Atlantis, thank you, and those space vampires are VILE.

    Like

  25. This application cracks me up. Everything is full in the blank, but then “Are you married?” Maybe it’s a swinging vampire brotherhood. Like everyone plays musical chairs… but with COFFINS. And you switch around every now and then. Like Melrose Place. But with blood.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. You just made my day. Thank you!!!!!!!

    Like

  27. 27
    Anne Barringer

    Lol I do so love you Jenny. I can’t stop laughing at this. You’ve made my day and as usualusual youyou rock the awesomesauce, with or without the Cape. 💗

    Like

  28. You have more fun with these than I do with the guys who call me about the virus on my windows computer. And I convinced one of those poor boys I was Amish!

    Like

    actualconversationswithmyhusband recently posted Me and the White Rabbit.

  29. Think it’s the first time he’s heard, “let me know if you’re ok with my vagina” ?

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Wempires. By Daniel Pinkwater. Get it now.
    Then sing along with me…
    I don’t care for peaches, they are full of stones
    I like bananas because they have no bones,hey!!
    Seriously. You will not be sorry. Wempires.

    Like

  31. I am laughing and learning at the same time. Thank you, Jenny. Vampire dogs, hm. I’ve only ever met vampire cats.

    Like

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  32. OMG! I’m dying! Not literally, so please don’t set me up with your vampire cult. This was hysterical! You are my favorite kind of crazy. 😂

    Like

  33. 33
    Laura- NOT a Space Vamipre

    Being a Space Vampire would be REALLY boring. You are immortal, so you can’t die in the cold vacuum of space. BUT, from what I’ve been told, space is kinda humongous, so you’ll just be out there floating. If you’re lucky, you may pass through the gas planets, but only if you’re pointed in precisely the right direction when you leave earth. Personally, I’d rather be mortal, knowing I’m gonna die (which, on another note, I’m still kinda wondering if there will be fireballs and/or strange breeds of kelp involved) than be an immortal, floating aimlessly in space with only my own thoughts to keep me company. It can be scary in my brain…

    Like

  34. Um, do you mean the ZuZu Petals from the so-ridiculously-bad-it’s-laugh-out-loud-funny movie The Adventures of Ford Fairlane? Cuz I didn’t think I could like you more than I already do! Thank you for making my day.

    Like

  35. Good Grief, Gertie… Rockin’ with the Undead… Oy Vey.

    Like

  36. “Please let me know if you’re okay with my vagina” being added to all future cover letters.

    Liked by 1 person

    DayLeeFix recently posted New Year's Evolution.

  37. I can’t help but notice the Vampir Lourde didn’t mention an initiation fee, and I’m sure there is one. All those jeweled ascots and capes aren’t cheap, you know… WAIT! I know what this is! Once you’re initiated you’ll be required to buy, wear and resell branded BoV merchandise and I’m sure there’s a recruiting bonus… this is just a multi-level marketing scam of souls! DON’T DO IT JENNY!

    (The ask for money usually comes after they get your personal information and phone number. It’s harder to say no once they can contact you in real life. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  38. This was epic! I think a sitcom is in order and you must start writing Immediately.

    Like

  39. Okay I am about to make the whole thing weirder for you. Vampir is actually the Romanian spelling of vampire. They like to throw that around to make themselves seem legit. Your exchange was hilarious, but while you are laughing remember there is a whole Vampire Fetish cult thing out there that actively recruits. Poor dude thought you were up for a good time.

    Like

  40. If I were to be turned into a vampire, I’d want to be the Adventure Time variety where you could satiate your thirst with the color red. Just take an apple, some lipstick, or a crayon and drain the red from it. All of the immortality without and of the blood drinking.

    Like

  41. If I were to be turned into a vampire, I’d want to be the Adventure Time variety where you could satiate your thirst with the color red. Just take an apple, some lipstick, or a crayon and drain the red from it. All of the immortality without and of the blood drinking.

    Like

    TechyDad recently posted 2016 The Celebrity Killer.

  42. Omfg. This is the most hilarious post I’ve ever read. Can’t believe this guy had a conversation like this for real!!

    Like

  43. I cannot respect a master vampire that doesn’t use proper grammar. Shouldn’t they have minions for that?

    Like

  44. I was once approached at a library by a man claiming to be close to becoming a vampire. He showed me a well-worn paper listing simple instructions on how to become one. He asked for help researching vampire books, and offered to make a copy of the instructions for me. I told him to ask the reference librarian. In hindsight, I REALLY regret not getting a copy of those instructions. 😦

    Like

  45. Snort at the office? Check. I’d be curious if there are publicity opportunities with Anne Rice. That would totally be worth it.

    Like

  46. With my crooked teeth, as a kid, I was called a vampire, Countess Dracula, Fangs, etc. Therefore, as an alternative, please consider joining me in starting our own coven. (or is that just for witches?) You can be High Priestess. (or is that voodoo?) Whatever. You wouldn’t need the real fangs, plastic will do. Cape not included.

    Like

  47. OMG! YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!! This made me laugh and laugh! Thanks!!

    Liked by 1 person

  48. 49
    Sandra/Wynterose

    Thank you for making me laugh! I needed too! I was stressing too much over still having job (or not), my health, my husband’s health, and my daughter’s surgery. Just to let you know, my daughter came through the surgery with flying colors and is doing well today (1st day being post op). They are keeping an eye on a fever that is slowing creeping up so we don’t know if she will get to go home today yet.

    Like

  49. You are the best. Please never stop being you.

    Like

  50. Best morning email ever. Can you ask about cats? I think my cat would look great in a cape. And if you do become a vampire, you could start the Vagina Vampire Vanguard. I would totally be up with that. We could work on the Vampire Vagenda.

    Liked by 1 person

  51. I thought the guy offering to invest $7 million in my non-existent business was pretty cool, but that’s nothing compared to vampirism and immortality. Totes jealous.

    Like

    caffeinatedandcursing recently posted Take a deep breath, and keep going..

  52. “vampir” is Romanian spelling.

    Like

  53. Undead patriarchy is still infuriating. We should start our own vampire sisterhood to take them down. Yeah.

    Like

  54. I really like the idea that the guy went through the effort of creating this whole Vampire Brotherhood, but was still like, “Paul’s a great name for vampire leader. I’m sticking with Paul.”

    Liked by 2 people

    tinyhazards recently posted Insect-somnia.

  55. What do space vampires even eat?! Here’s hoping you don’t become a space vampire but, if you do, at least your dream of being skinnier will come true.

    Like

  56. I’m fairly certain he’s gonna require a photo of Lil Schnitzle… so you best post it here first! 🙂

    Like

  57. Perhaps Master Paul is not his real name. Maybe HE is Brad Dingleman.

    Liked by 1 person

  58. Hmmm…..I’ve never given serious thought to Vampire. I’ve always gone with VooDoo because there are so many applications for its use in today’s world. Like Office VooDoo – there’s always one asshole in every office and a little VooDoo can make work a bit more pleasant. Also, I was considering using VooDoo on The Viking because he always wins everything and he has a shield and battle axe and I don’t but VooDoo would definitely make the playing field a little more equal. But then someone mentioned how easy it would be for The Viking to take up VooDoo too, and then it might turn into Competitive VooDoo and then we’d get nothing done. Ever. Still……
    PS: adding my link goes to comments, so here’s the actual link: http://www.mrs-completely.com/funnywoman/a-fart-in-the-wind/

    Liked by 1 person

  59. Thank you for making me laugh today!!!!!

    Like

  60. I am ridiculously curious about the numbering convention for the application. I’m probably spending way too much time trying to figure out the logic behind it.

    Like

  61. This is why I love your undead (maybe) ass.

    Liked by 1 person

  62. My fave: The United State of America. That has so many levels of meaning, I can’t even.

    Liked by 1 person

  63. Clearly vampires who try to recruit are way too serious. Do any vampires have a sense of humor, or decent usage of the English language? And why do you have to send a picture? Are vampires so shallow that they determine who is accepted by the way you look? It sounds a bit discriminatory to me. I did notice that they didn’t ask for gender or sexual preference, so maybe they’re more open minded than I thought. I wonder if they send out an initiation packet or a brochure? 😄 Thanks for the laugh today!

    Like

  64. This made my day! I love this kind of thing. We used to have a local reporter who used to do this with people sending those ‘Nigerian Prince’ letters. They were quite comical and karmic justice. Keep trying, Zuzu. I believe in you! 😀

    Like

    Shari recently posted Writers Block?.

  65. in case this is all not real, here’s something animal related that is sure to make you happy. A VAMPIRE KITTEH.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/black-vampire-cat-instagram-monkey_us_5818eb42e4b0f96eba96606d

    Like

  66. I’m just really fascinated by the fact that they didn’t ask for money, just your phone number. Is becoming a vampire free, but you have to be available to work at their Vampire Distress call centre or something?

    Like

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 119: Donut Store Memories, A Story Inspired by Eric McCormack.

  67. OMG! THIS. IS. THE. BEST. Yes. Keep us posted. This is better than Twilight 🙂

    Like

    Mona recently posted A pre-post to the post I’m actually writing. Because Christmas..

  68. I totally NEED to be a space vampire with a cape and a jeweled ascot. I mean, Before reading this, there was an emptiness I was tempted to fill with chocolate and reese’s on chip cookies, but this… I have found my destiny!

    Now to find my credit card, Social Security number and that list of passwords ai really should have memorized by now considering is all our birthdates.

    So excited! Thanks Jen!!

    Liked by 1 person

  69. Wait! How long is eternity in dog years anyway?

    Liked by 2 people

  70. No one has EVER offered to turn me into a vampire. I am sad and more unfulfilled than I was five minutes ago. That is TERRIBLE.

    You forgot to ask him the important stuff – like will you sparkle after the change, or if sunlight actually KILLS you. That’s kind of an important thing to know – body glitter or burning death. There’s not a great deal of room for error there.

    Liked by 2 people

    becomingcliche recently posted Goals For The New Year.

  71. LOVE! LOVE!!!! I am sooo in the wrong line of work. Really hoping that the sun just rose and they will respond once their arms are unfrozen at sunset.

    Liked by 1 person

  72. Oh my soul (unless I’m a vampire . . . I don’t think they have souls. Still waiting to hear from Lord Master on that score)

    Like

  73. “Hugs, ZuZu”
    Oh gawds, I’m crying and I just pee’d a little!!! 😂😂😂
    P.S. Can I use “Hugs Zuzu” as my vampire name?

    Like

  74. I’ve always secretly wanted to be a vampire. If he gets back to you and you’re in, let me know! 😀

    Like

  75. Space vampire – brilliant! Thanks for making a dreary day brighter. Cheers!

    Like

  76. 77
    Momentary Lapse

    LOL. This can only happen to you. My spam is so boring… Have — tonight with Russian sweetie… I’m the king of Nigeria writing to offer you half my kingdom …

    Like

  77. Dude I laughed so hard I may have teared up at the patriarchal oppression in vampirism…

    Like

  78. This is awesome! I never get Vampire related spam comments. I mostly get offers to help me with my erectile dysfunction. I guess that kind of has something to do with blood flow though.

    Liked by 3 people

    Arionis recently posted One More Trip Around The Sun Completed.

  79. I don’t know which I’m laughing harder at–the fact that you must fill out a FORM to become a vampire (very un-vampirish) or the fact that Brad Dingleman is what scared him off:). I mean, really.

    Liked by 2 people

    candidkay recently posted Why not this year, my dear?.

  80. If you ever get really bored, set up an account on a dating site (with Victor’s knowledge and consent). Some of the messages that come through just beg for treatment like this. Here’s one of mine (NSFW): https://woodleatherlace.com/2016/11/03/lick-em/

    Like

  81. You’ve made my day! I am laughing so hard. Now I want to respond to the “silicone bracelet” makers that leave daily spam on my blog. Let us know how the floating goes.

    Like

  82. ROTFLMAO

    You are awesome. This is amazing.

    Like

  83. Can we all become vampires and march on D.C.?

    Liked by 1 person

  84. This made me laugh and remember that I did something similar not too long ago with someone I met through online dating. He asked me for money, I think it was $3K, and I responded saying that I didn’t have any money because I used it to pay the lawyer to get me out of the charges for beating my Ex with a baseball bat. Thought that would stop him, but I was mistaken. He responded by asking if I had a bank account. I replied that my bank account had been frozen by the state since I was going to start my prison sentence on Monday. Thought that might end things, but again I was mistaken. He next asked me if I would open a bank account so his friend could loan me the money and I could send it to him. At this point, I had laughed myself silly and decided that I had enough so I deleted him. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  85. Laughed so hard while reading this post to my hubby! I want to be in, too. LMAO!!

    Like

  86. Thank you for the big laugh!

    Like

  87. This is hilarious! Definitely needed this laugh today!

    Like

  88. I have no words, that was just priceless.

    Like

  89. If you become a vampire, will that mean you can turn us into vampires too without having to go through him? If you can, then you could form your own Vampire Collective and then we could have vampire dogs and vampire cats too. And vampire sloths. They so should be a thing

    Liked by 1 person

  90. There are vampires in Romania and their English isn’t correct so I bet they’re Romanian vampires from Transylvania!!

    Like

  91. Perhaps we need to create a Matriarchal Vampire Society? That allows dog and cats in. We’ll let men in too – but we’re in control ladies! And hey… Dog and Cats? Already have fangs! Have you ever seen “Blade II” the one with Ryan Reynolds when some little fluff ball dogs who have been “Turned” go after him? It’s also referenced in “Dead Pool” as some inside humor – just sayin’. https://goo.gl/images/NY6kJ8 You’re welcome for the half naked Ryan Reynolds and the vampire pooch.

    Like

  92. 93
    Doug in Oakland

    So is the Hotmail account part of the attempt to look really old?

    Liked by 2 people

  93. You should start your own Vampire society but call it something cool and all your followers could be members. Followers who regularly comment could get special jobs, like helping draft laws and rules and taking out the rubbish and polishing Beyonce’s metal. Anyway, just a thought.

    Like

    Gary Lum recently posted Salmon ramen noodle curry.

  94. Ha!

    Are you familiar with the Neal Forsythe book of hilarious email exchanges between scammers and a guy getting them to do truly inane things while not giving the scammers money? I listened to it as an audiobook and think it might be right up your alley. http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1999732.Delete_This_At_Your_Peril

    Liked by 1 person

  95. Life gets more and more confusing as the different options for being undead multiply.

    Like

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  96. “Please let me know if you’re ok with my vagina….” So hilarious!

    Like

  97. What am I doing wrong?! All my spam is of the male “enhancement” and Russian mail-order bride variety…kind of useless for me, since I also do not have the requisite penis for such things. No one ever offers to make me a vampire. 😭

    Liked by 1 person

  98. ha! great! you prob know he means live not leave. it’s obvious his first language isn’t english

    Like

  99. Where the heck is the “like” button?!

    Like

  100. you are the best kind of crazy.
    my face hurts. thank you.

    Like

  101. “…so that you will not miss used the power.”

    Please ask if your vampire name can be Ms. Yooz Pow-ah

    Liked by 2 people

  102. Peed my pants laughing. Okay, not literally, because all the rest of my underwear is hanging up to dry so I held it in so I wouldn’t waste this pair, but figuratively: It totally peed my pants laughing.

    Like

  103. Once you’re a vampire and all immortal and shit, will you please be our forever President and Lil Schnitzle can be First Dog?

    Like

  104. It bothers me that he says they can’t change the name. Seems like a lack of ambition to me. If you’re eternal then shouldn’t you be able to get stuff like that done no matter how long it takes?

    Liked by 1 person

  105. Jenny, my sincerest hope is that you and Schnitzel are accepted into the vampire brotherhood, even though that is a very sexist club name. You would think in this day and age that vampiric associations would be able to keep up with the successes of feminism. They could have called it the “Vampire Coalition.” That one is not gender specific in the least. It’s a shame they said they can’t change the name. You should tell them you decided to join the “Vampire Sisterhood” instead since you felt you and your vagina would fit in better there.
    P.S. I love your brain, and the crazy things it gets you into.

    Like

  106. Oh Jenn, you never disappoint. Love reading your blog. You are most unique and funny. I am so happy you have made the most of the situations life throws at you. I am trying to read your post everyday you post this year. Life gets in my way sometimes and I don’t get over here like I want, but I am making a better effort this year because you my dear are so worth it. Unless you become a vampire, because I think maybe vampires cannot type.

    Thanks for being you, and making me laugh.

    Susie

    Like

  107. 108
    Jen aka LakeGirlLifer

    Yesterday, I was at an all-time low. Thank you for letting me live vicariously through you, because, if I could ever get the fucking meds straightened out, I would start my own blog. You rawk beyond measure.

    Like

  108. Is it me or is ‘Keep all this for your own secret and migrate from fear’ actually good life advice that can be applied to many situations other than vampire sexism?

    Like

  109. Oh Jenny. 😂 Thanks for this.

    Like

  110. Brad Dingleman wouldn’t know how to make the most of his vampire abilities anyway.No one’s inviting that guy in anywhere 🙂 This makes me want to start replying to those spam emails I get from “the fbi”…who use a hotmail account. LOL!

    Like

  111. Holy crap, that is award-worthy!!!! Thank you!

    Like

  112. Bwwwaahhhhlllooollll thank you for the laugh Jenny. I kept it down to a giggle because I am at work, but OMG.

    Like

  113. I was totally in on the pillow fort. But now this??? YESSS. Imagine the possibilities. Reading ALL the books. Drinking ALL the wine. All that and a certain exhole I know would get what’s coming to him.

    Like

  114. Does Dorothy Barker know about Lil Schnitzle? Because I foresee some trouble there with you leaving her behind but taking Lil Schnitzle.

    Like

  115. Day = Made! And am I the only one who thinks of It’s a Wonderful Life when they see Zuzu Petals? I made my mom add “Petals” to her kitty named Zuzu cuz the kitten adopted my folks at xmas time. It’s Zuzu’s petals!

    Like

  116. Beware. Vampire Brotherhood on the prowl. You’ve rattled their chains. Wait, do vampires rattle chains? What the hell. Watch out.

    Like

  117. 118
    EssenceOfDog

    How is that going to work – being a vegan vampire?

    Like

  118. 119
    Talwinder Kaur

    This is gold! I live for this ahaha.

    Like

  119. So so awesome. I love the vegan thing. And that the dog isn’t living in the apartment if his paws never touch the ground. You are a treasure

    Like

  120. This is just glorious! Thank you for the much needed giggles!

    Like

  121. Seems like I’ve seen a lot of vampires of the Spatial variety in various SciFi series… The white-haired dudes with long hair that hibernate forever?? Oh, wait! Stargate Atlantis Wraiths. Also? There was a Space Vampire Choose Your Own Adventure book: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/191097.Space_Vampire and apparently, a punk rock album called “Space Vampires vs. Zombie Dinosaurs”. Google + ADD is a dangerous thing.

    Like

  122. You probably haven’t heard back from him because he’s busy pitching HBO a new series idea… “Space Vampires.”

    Like

  123. Penis-less vegan vampires of Bloggessistan, unite!
    So I guess Brad could become a member of PVVB, but would he really want to?

    Like

  124. Not reeeaaally sure I want to live forever.

    Useless information[TM:] Zuzu was George Bailey’s youngest daughter in “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Zuzu was probably baby talk for Susie because people named their kids Susan back in the day. Zuzu was upset that petals had fallen off her flower and her dad pretended that he stuck them back on but actually he hid them in his pocket, which may or may not be a life lesson you want to teach your kids. Anyway at the end of the movie George knew he was alive again because he found the petals in his pocket. Also a rock band.

    Thanks again Ms. Bloggess for the yux.

    Like

  125. I literally just peed my pants from laughing so hard ! Thank you ZuZu 😂😂

    Like

  126. We can be comfortable vampires in pillow forts singing at the top of our lungs putting together awesome puzzles! Count me IN!

    Like

  127. That’s better than leading on telemarketers. I get spam comments about being a Mormon sister wife. Maybe I should investigate.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted Happy New Years: Insert Evil Laugh Here.

  128. Hilarious! Brad Dingleman, ha ha.

    Like

  129. Oh my lord!! Funniest conversation ever!

    Like

  130. Seriously how did you get so clever??? What does it feel like to be such an awesome writer?!?!

    Like

  131. I do love your mind and its twisted ways. LOL

    Like

  132. “Once this is done you will be a full complete member.”

    This after he tells you they’re not exclusively a brotherhood?

    I call bullshit.

    Like

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted Home is… where the cave is?.

  133. Why is your life consistently fifty million times cooler than everyone else’s?? Unfair.

    And now you’re going to be cooler than us for all eternity.

    Like

    hazelhillboro recently posted It’s 2016 – Why Am I Being Stuffed in a Pringle Can?.

  134. What in the actual hell?! 😳 HA!

    Like

  135. I may die laughing – would that mean you’d turned me?

    Like

  136. As a healthcare professional and a Romanian, I will tell you that $150usd for blood is a steal. Do it! Get thee to Kickstarter!

    Like

  137. Thank God, he’s still undead. I was worried that he had umm, lived?
    Thank YOU!!! I’ve had a shit day and this has given me sunshine and rainbows and unicorn farts! Tho, I suppose all that kinda goes against the grain of the whole dark, vampirey vibe.
    I love you!

    Like

  138. Anonymous | January 4, 2017 at 11:10 pm
    This is Awesome Im Going to start doing this to practice my writing & people skills Needed this badly today THANKS

    Like

  139. What do you even EAT if you’re a space vampire? Do you just sort of drift around hoping to catch a stray frozen vole or something? Maybe there are space stoats? Stoats are neglected in many aspects of daily life. This is sad. Maybe you could suck some shit off a planet or something. Vacuuming space vampires. DARK MATTER YES. This explains so much…

    Like

  140. Man the only offers I’ve gotten that are even remotely supernatural are for a psychic reading. Vampire lord/ladyship is much more enticing. Make sure you steal Brad’s ascot if he’s already been made a vampire because he doesn’t deserve any nice things during eternal vampire unlife.

    Like

  141. I suspect your superior grammar and insistence on turning your dog is confusing the help out of this poor Schlub trying to scam you. Not to mention how peppy zuzu sounds. Someone is asking Do we really want a cheerleader with a purse dog in their club?

    Like

  142. I’m concerned that once you pay you’ll still have to recruit at least 6 other potential Vampire Brotherhood subscribers, and then they’ll each have to recruit 6 more, before the vampirism takes.

    Like

  143. […] The Bloggess applies to be a vampire UPDATED: I’m gonna be a vampire. Maybe. | The Bloggess […]

    Like

  144. 146
    The other Jenny

    I think he owes you money for all the free advertising. Optimal product placement

    Like

  145. 147
    Stefanie Ann

    Oh the delicious, delightful irony of an internet scammer declaring “I don’t have time for this.” Also, if people are so gullible that there really is money to be made in selling fake vampire blood I think I really do want to leave Earth. I have a plan to do it, too, and if you want to come with me on my highly-engineered super rocket made entirely of yarn and powered by thousands of monarch butterflies, all you have to do is send me 100 gold dubloons. Just email me at gottarockit at hotmail if you’re interested. (Just kidding. A yarn rocket with butterflies in the engine wouldn’t actually work because something something physics. Also, most people can’t get their hands on gold dubloons since they’re not really accepted currency, unless maybe if you’re a pirate? Do pirates still use dubloons or have they moved on to bitcoin? Mysteries to ponder…)

    Like

  146. This is very disappointing. I already made my application to the brotherhood and now it seems like it might not be legit!
    Embarrassing!

    Like

  147. Well, it’s good to know we can have Jenny awesomeness for THE REST OF ETERNITY. Three cheers for illiterate vampire lords!

    Like

  148. OMG! This is awesome with a side of awesome sauce right there! Please keep us up to date on your progress into the (afterlife, underworld, undead – not sure what you call vampirism) lol.

    Like

  149. When I grow up, I want to be you… x3

    Like

    introaverted recently posted Melancholy and Missing Bins.

  150. Just wondering… Once you’re a vampire, can’t you convert Lil Schnitzel yourself? If I were the Vampire Lord, I would be having second thoughts about this whole thing, since now you just sound lazy, like you won’t even bite your own dog to save him.

    Like

  151. This saga is riveting!

    Like

  152. Bite me! Bite Me! Please!

    Like

    Dandelion Buttons recently posted Under the Juniper Trees.

  153. Oh this is so funny, I am so tempted to do this! The amount of nonsense that arrives via the inbox should really be dealt with this in this manner. You have made my day… Now where to start on mine. Thanks for sharing.
    .

    Like

  154. $150 is way cheaper than Botox. I say you’re getting quite a deal here.

    Like

  155. You should totally send him the cover of Toxic and suggest it as the new official song of the Vampire Brotherhood. If the sounds of discordant recorders playing along to Britney Spears doesn’t summon the Dark Overlord then I don’t know what will! (P.S. I love that you have the same fear(?) as me of being turned into a vampire for all eternity while not at your preferred weight. “Wait! Before you bite me, give me a few months to crash diet and then come back?”)

    Like

  156. THis is just pure gold. (Or whatever it is that vampires value, you’ll have to ask and let us know.)

    Like

    Becca Barracuda recently posted Wake Up Call #3.

  157. Hon, I think $150. is a bit much for a bag of blood.
    Shop around!

    Like

  158. Forget the vampires, tell us about Lil Schnitz’s gender-morphing.

    Like

  159. I laughed so hard that I had a huge coughing fit and peed myself a little bit while I was sitting in front of my classroom of 10th grade students who are reading a slightly boring short story from their textbooks. The laugh was totally worth peeing myself a little. In fact, I’ll even thank you for it. Thank you for making me pee myself.

    Like

  160. Am I the only one pretty sure the postal service doesn’t allow the shipping of blood, vampire or not? Or maybe vampire blood is different and doesn’t set off alarm bells. Seriously though, what do you suppose they tell the post office they have in that shipping container?! Yeah, maybe this is just me thinking this.

    Liked by 1 person

  161. This is awesome and MUST become your next book. Just a small book of Vampire Correspondence. Please, please, please, please, please?!

    Like

  162. This is awesome! If you do join the brotherhood, please let us know how that works out. I’d love to join as well, but I have a lot of cats and I can’t be a vampire without them. If I have to pay $150 for every cat I’ve got…I wonder if the brotherhood can give me a payment plan because that would help a lot.

    Liked by 1 person

  163. I also got this email! I was hoping it was some genius marketing scheme for a series of vampire romance novels or something. No such luck I guess…

    Like

  164. I desperately needed this. Please don’t let this exchange between the vampire overlord and you ever end!

    Like

  165. Ha ha! Love the jewellery and tiara reference!

    Like

    Mona recently posted A pre-post to the post I’m actually writing. Because Christmas..

  166. So many questions. Is the blood human? Will it turn you into a vampire? Do you drink it or put it in an IV? What about the dog? I have cats, and I think they may already be leaning vampire. Also, has the blood been tested for vampire viruses? How does it get shipped because the USPS doesn’t deliver human blood (don’t ask how I know that)? Help!

    Like

    iamthekrakenblog recently posted 2017, You’re Off to Quite a Start and Sorry, Costco.

  167. This is hilarious!! Loved this after a long day of work. 😂

    Like

  168. I think it’s important that everyone know there is no special font only werewolves can read. Trust me: when you’re out werewolfing you don’t have time to read anything. It’s why werewolves make the worst book club members ever.

    Like

    Christopher recently posted Warm-Up Act..

  169. Migrate your fear, indeed.

    OMG this is great. I don’t do enough drinking and trolling phishing emails anymore. Thanks for sharing this one and have fun in the afterlife!

    Like

    Jen recently posted No Mom, You Didn’t Cause My Eating Disorder.

  170. ZuZu Petals – Adventures of Ford Fairlane–Luv that movie! Here’s to you…how is it that quote is the only one I remember….lol

    Like

  171. 174
    Fictionfiend

    I wish I could be as wonderfully, hilariously ridiculous as you.
    Also, you need to ask about the vampire/sunlight issue. Will you become the type of vampire that catches fire when they go out in the sun, or will you just become extra sparkly in the sun? This is important. And inquiring minds want to know.

    Like

  172. 175
    adrianmmiller

    Just to let you know, while the vampires may be mysogynistic, rest assured Jenny, the rest of us are fine with your vagina

    I literally just got home from a stay in emergency after having a seizure. this is my first contribution to society since my discharge

    Note to self, probably next time dont mention vagina and discharge in the same post….

    Like

  173. Wow you could’ve been the next Bella Swan. But better because you have more than one facial expression. Or maybe #volturi.

    Like

    Kelly's Cancer Beat Down Blog recently posted Stop, Drop and Fluff?.

  174. So I googled the whole British spy WWI invisible ink thing to see if I could find a link on a work computer without having to type the world semen. And so I found this, which can’t possibly be real (the invisible ink thing is in the ‘WWI’ section):
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mansfield_Smith-Cumming

    Like

  175. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
    I spent my afternoon @ work visualizing the look on Master Paul’s face every time ‘he’ received a response/MORE questions from ZuZu Petals!
    This brings back (many moons ago) memories of when my Dad and his buddy would get together with their accumulated ‘junk’ mail and (supposedly) send one company’s offer to a different company (supposedly) using the pre-paid envelope provided by one of the solicitors! Brilliant! You have made my heart laugh and my eyes smile once again.

    Like

  176. That was hilarious! Thanks for sharing!

    Like

  177. Maybe I don’t read enough about vampires, but I was under the impression that you had to be bitten by one to become one. Are you supposed to inject this bag of blood or just drink it? So many questions! Keep trying, Jenny!

    Like

  178. Totally off topic, but I got my mom addicted to your books and instagram. She would like us to be friends. Totally a thing that isn’t creepy. Side note: your Beyonce has inspired some strange rooster decor. Cheers.

    Like

  179. 182
    AmandatheScientist

    Totally off topic, but I got my mom addicted to your books and instagram. She would like us to be friends. Totally a thing that isn’t creepy. Side note: your Beyonce has inspired some strange rooster decor. Cheers.

    Like

  180. What if you’ve got dentures. Are they replaced with vampire teeth?

    Like

  181. I think Lil Snitzel the Dark One needs an upgrade to Lord Snitzel the Dark One. And… that poor pug. Wow.

    Like

  182. You forgot to make your skin glittery! Glitter, that’s what makes a TRUE vampire, Jenny. Geez.

    Like

  183. I want to join…does one have to have a small dog? I have a fat cat and a Bull Mastiff puppy, he is not small but small for his breed, because he is a puppy. Please send three membership forms because Jack is not a he or a she, he something delightfully in-between. Loki the Bull Mastiff Puppy because every vampire needs a good protector. You know for when you are sleeping(hiding) from the sun, because it burns and if you are the special kind of vampire you are afraid someone might try to peel off your sparkly skin for a bad club dress.

    My brain is in control I apologize.

    Like

    Dandelion Buttons recently posted Under the Juniper Trees.

  184. I am shocked that someone besides me has watched The Adventures of Ford Fairlane.lol

    Ex-husband #1 used to say he was the Vampire Prince of St. Louis. I think (hope) he meant because he played Vampire The Masquerade…I assume so anyway. 😉

    Like

  185. Who is “Brad Dingleman” and where is he in all of this…:)

    Like

  186. 189
    Kelly Helms

    I would HAPPILY pay a few (like 3, but not more than 4) dollars to be in the Ladyhood of Vampires. But could we go all fancy pants and spell it Vampyres? Jenny, PLEASE make this happen! You’re already the head of the Church, now you can be our Very High, But Not Too High In Case She Falls, Most Supreme Mistress of Lady (And Also Male) Vampyres And Small Dogs!

    Like

  187. BLACK BELT scammer trolling, Jenny !!

    Like

  188. 191
    Amy Hardin

    Oh, Jenny! Your mind is a truly beautiful thing!
    PS… saw a giant metal rooster the other day and instantly thought of you and laughed out loud in the car. By myself!
    Hugs!

    Like

  189. This is like a whole ‘nuther (undiscovered) room in your world…

    Like

  190. OMG just read the updates. You are totally making me feel MUCH better on this no good below freezing temps (because what the shit? This is Texas. Not Nebraska or some state where it snows for 3/4th of the year or something) that is making my joints slightly swollen and somewhat painful.

    Like

    mommatrek recently posted In which I learn I am NOT well suited for modern club dancing.

  191. The patriarchy has pretty horrible grammar. But we knew this already…

    Like

  192. 195
    Stefanie Ann

    Clearly Paul is not cut out for internet scamming. It looks like he is giving up way too easily. I mean, look how enthusiastic you, er, I mean ZuZu is! How is it that he is not trying harder to close the deal??

    Like

  193. I’m picturing the “Vampire Lord” sitting at his desk with his head in his hands saying “I’m sorry I ever heard of the Internet”. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  194. I just ❤ you so much right now. This could go on forever, as far as I am concerned.

    Like

  195. Just noticed the guy’s name – Jiang Shi – which means a “hopping” Chinese vampire, ghost, or zombie. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jiangshi
    Hopping for eternity seems a bit undignified, might not be worth the $150.

    Like

  196. And here I was picturing Lil Schnitzel as a wiener dog…

    Thank you so much for the laughs, I’ve needed this!

    Like

  197. Shnizlegedon Dark Lord of All!!

    Like

  198. As always you have me cracking up!

    Like

  199. Total gender discrimination going on. Probably because we girls can produce our own “blood bags” every month. I feel like we’re all missing out on a golden opportunity here. $$$ https://www.etsy.com/listing/125094311/vampire-tea-bags-tampon-maxi-pad-bag?ref=hp_rv

    Like

  200. You have no idea how happy these posts are making me. 😂

    Like

  201. You are my hero. xx

    Like

  202. This is beautiful. You are a treasure, Jenny.

    Like

  203. Maybe you could set up a go fund me page so you can get the required vampire blood? I’d kick in a few dollars for that…just sayin’

    Like

  204. […] If this is confusing to you you should start here.  Or just ignore.  Totally up to […]

    Like

  205. I really want to be a member of the “Vampire Illuminati Daylight IT Team”. Where may I apply? 🙂

    Like

  206. Now this is the way to start 2017! Totally awesome! Also I would totally be down to join you sisterhood.

    Like

  207. Embiggen is the Word of the Year 2017.

    Like

  208. Ok, I am officially weirded out. Not only could you be my doppelganger but my nickname in college was zouzous petals….given to me by a friend who was a boy and who had a crush on me. Back when everyone had wacky email names I chose zouzous_petals@ and I have never bothered to change it. That was somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 years ago.

    Like

  209. […] opened a new window, get into my email, and discover my absolute FAVOURITE blogger, Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess, has uploaded a new blog.  She has hilarious posts that almost always put me in a good mood. […]

    Like

  210. 214
    Unfinished Muse

    Just…thank you. I’ve been having massive chest pains bc of work and life and everything today and thought… shower, crying jag and hope for a hole to swallow me… and I got to shower and jammies and then I found this… exactly what I needed. A really good laugh – I always knew that misogynistic vampires with awkward writing skills would be the ones who would be out there… not the hot ones with the forever love and mind-blowing sex and cash for eons… THEY are in space, apparently, if I’m following correctly.

    Again, thank you for replacing the planned cry with the surprising laugh.

    Like

  211. Scampires! Like scampi, but bitier! This is now my favourite phisher-trolling ever. (The previous best involved someone rickrolling a Lonesome Femmebot.)

    Like

  212. But wait, do vampires with vags have their period? You are the new resident Vampire, Jenny. These are the questions that need to be answered!

    Like

  213. I love that he says he doesn’t have time for people who want to join the brotherhood. So, who DOES he have time for?

    Like

    Karen Marie Peterson recently posted The 74th Annual Golden Globes Play-by-Play!.

  214. […] I’m gonna be a vampire. Maybe. – The Bloggess receives spam. Followup posts here and here. […]

    Like

  215. […] Jenny Lawson. Her blog is incredible, her books are hysterical, and her posts about joining a vampire brotherhood almost made me pee my pants. And the best part is she created a LADYHOOD of Vampires, and there is […]

    Like

  216. 221
    Wallace Graham

    My name is Maria, I want to inform everyone out there to be careful, because the are people who claim to be a vampire and most of them turn out to be scam and that is how they collected my money….i’m happy that i later found a real vampire, who turn me into a vampire and his name is Wallace Graham and you can contact him via email: wallec_graham@outlook.com

    Like

  217. This is awesome.

    Like

  218. […] and hire a goddamned vampire hit man.  Since those are tough to find – I don’t know what Jenny Lawson is doing right, but so far I’ve only been introduced to peaceful love gurus and “money […]

    Like

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