Too much medicine. Not enough. One of those.

in If I was a dog I'd be dead by now, Random Crap

Victor:  JENNY.  COME HERE.

me:  No.  I’m sick.  I’m dying.

Victor: You’re not dying.   What happened in here?

me:  I think it’s pretty obvious.  A happy ending happened here.

Victor:  WTF.

me: I don’t know.  I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t stop coughing and they looked lonely and it was 2am and I thought, “Hey.  Look at all these great dead animals going to waste.  Let’s make a family.”

Victor: *

me: I was on a lot of medication.  Or not enough.  I can’t even tell anymore.  But look how happy they are.  Plus, Dorothy Barker is totally into it.  She’s the overly involved Godmother.  Also, she might want to chew on the baby.  Hard to tell with dogs.

Victor: I don’t even know what to say.

me: Say “Congratulations on your beautiful new baby, sirs.”

Victor: I’m not going to say that.

“Never talk to us or our son again.”

PS. 11% less dead than yesterday.  Winning?

159 thoughts on “Too much medicine. Not enough. One of those.”

Read comments below or add one.

  7. Totally winning. Tell those lucky animals from me, Congratulations on your beautiful new baby, sirs. (SOMEBODY had to say it!)

  8. It hurts me to say this, but I am totally with Victor on this one. I love you. I do. I’d leave my husband for you if you asked. But Victor is totally right. I may come around though.

  11. There is no part of this tableau that isn’t awesome – Victor needs to get on board.

    Also, we have a song for when dogs and toddlers are in your situation. It’s called, “Do You Need More or Less of Something? Figure it Out!” It rarely helps the afflicted, but does that really need to be the point?

  14. Love the little family you created! PS Taking Rory to The Players Championship in Florida when I go next month….will try to post the picture, still trying to figure that out LOL

  16. I almost spit tea at my work computer (but did an awkward swallow/choke instead). Thank you for that.

    Hope you feel even less dead tomorrow.

    P.S. You should be the godmother in this scenario since you were the magic that made the family possible in the first place.

  17. What would we do without you? Love this–says the woman who has two skeletons in fancy dress sprawling drunkenly in her upstairs bath tub…

  20. OMG! I’m dying. I’m laughing. I’m dying I’m laughing so hard! Thank you. I needed that today!!!

  22. you need to start working on your coffee table book, Taxidermy and You – A Guide to Decorating for the Slightly Disturbed 😀

  23. They look so damn biblical, in the familiar sense. Would that make Rory Baby Jesus? Or maybe King David? I need some of the medications you are taking.

  26. They need their own family seasonal greeting card and I would rather get that card then pretty much all the other family seasonal greeting cards I have received or ever will.

    Poor Victor. He’s beauty-blind, which is like color blind but way sadder. And his seems to be particularly in relation to stuffed animals and their tableaus. I suspected he had that disability but his reaction to this just proves it.

  27. That is awesome. When I read that in my email without pics I thought the “happy ending” was a different sort of “happy ending”. I thought “huh? Maybe she’s crafting and made a mess with glue?”

  28. Is it bad that in the first pic I didn’t even see Rory and thought that it was a pair of underpants hanging from Totes ma Goats’ hoof? That’s what I thought Victor was going on about, that you threw your undies in a fit of illness inspired pique. Or something.

    I’ll stop now.

  29. “Who’s a sweet little abomination against nature? You are! You are!”
    “You’re not my real parents!”

  30. I just want to wander around in your head for a little while. I imagine it would be like dropping acid.

  32. I think we have your 2017 Christmas card. Talk about “O Holy Night.”

    So glad you’re feeling better.

  33. You just made my day a little better, which is saying something because I didn’t think this day wasn’t going to suck complete crap for even a second. <3 Thanks Jenny – you are truly awesome!

  34. Are we sure Pegasus is the father? I mean, I’m no geneticist but I’m pretty sure that ram isn’t the biological mother. Maybe they adopted? Good for them! Holy fuckballs that will be one interesting family! 🙂 hope you keep feeling less dead!

  35. OMG! All of this is just fucking hilarious and magnificent!! Thank you Jenny, for not dying and for making us believe in unicorns and magic and you. Please get better, but stay weird at all costs!

  39. by the way were you and Pegasus playing Wii in the middle of the night. If so could you post that photo too. that is a Wii controller by his hoof right?

  41. Unlike Victor, I am nearly blind for real. I can read the words but cannot make out the smutty photo. Dammit. Somebody write me a vivid pornographical description, please?

  42. Why…..why……WHY don’t I have dead animals to make arrangements with when I can’t sleep????

  44. Bahahaha! Is this a new service you are offering? Because if it is, I’d love to submit my name for Bloggess matchmaking

  47. You continue to surpass all expectations Jenny. That is fabulous. It’s like your own special family, a happy family made of dead animals. It’s beautiful. Dorothy Barker looks ecstatic too.

  51. The one thing even more beautiful than this pic is the fact that most of your commenters know the names of your dead animals. X0D

  52. First off, I want Dorothy Barker to come to my house and have a sleep over with my yorkie Harper, they would get along so well. Second, of course they created a beautiful raccoon baby. Third, 11% beats 10% so you’re well on your way!

    P.S. I also love Victor, who still ask those questions!

  53. Oh my God. This is beautiful. And if your medicine leads to these types of dead animal family moments, you’re either already dead or more alive than ever before.

  56. Congratulations to the proud parents!!!

    Honestly, I never thought Victor would be cross-speciesophobic. Guess you just can’t tell with some people.

  57. You need to have this be the centerof a Nativity scene next Christmas.

  58. Hahahahaha… No goats were harmed in the making of this blog post…I assume! LOL

  60. Just out of curiosity~is that horned ram thing posable? if so, I see endless possibilities.

  62. This is the best thing ever!!! I wish I could make a family happy like this! But as soon as I saw this, the lion king song just played in my head.

  63. and i was afraid that the meds were going to give you reverse sanity. i keep trying to figure out what percent away from dead i am – is there a logarithm or something?

  64. What a beautiful family!! I still LOVE Rory too. Hes soo cute. I love your beautifully disturbed mind Jenny. Keep amusing us!!

  65. Omg can you do a whole series of family photos. Like birthday thanksgiving Christmas and Fourth of July. I can’t wait to see more of the new family. Luv ya Jenny

  67. I love the Pegasus! And hands Raccoon (forget his name, sorry) But So Cool. Victor sounds like a stick in the mud. Lighten dude.

  70. I think Victor clearly lacks an appreciation for inspirational art. Also, I don’t know why he keeps asking you stupid questions after being married to you for this long. I will say, you might might to lay off the Nyquil. Just a little.

    OMGitsaClaire – I love that turkey video. Thank you so much.

  71. this is the funniest thing I have seen/read in a really long time! so glad you are 11% less dead – and I would definitely classify that as winning!!

  74. Disturbing. But in the best possible way.

    Victor, go to your wife’s PO box. 🙂

  77. My English and art studies have given me the power to deduce that the pegasus is actually playing the Wii and coming by to ask Totes Magotes if Rory can come play, too, but Totes is too busy having one-on-one raccoon baby time. It’s a tableau — a slice of contemporary American taxidermical life.

  78. I love it!! Too bad Totes Magotes doesn’t have more of a shoulder. You could have draped the cloth over his/her shoulder as a burp cloth for Rory.

  80. Tell Victor he shouldn’t judge just because they’re a non-traditional family. #loveislove

  83. I don’t know how your able to keep blogging and writing and building larger-than-life diaramas when your sickly and in the midst of the shitty exhausting stuff that goes with mental illness. I just can’t find enough spoons to keep pretending to be functional anymore. Cheers to u and everyone that finds a way to make it work when working or working on working won’t work.

  85. Victor is just upset because he didn’t wake up to this little scene set up on the end of the bed. I can see where that could be disappointing.

  87. Oh my God!! Where did those completely adorable (goats?) come from?? I love those photos.

    AND I am very happy to announce that I finally figured out all by myself what the problem was that I could not subscribe to this blog and another one I wanted to subscribe to and I fixed it! So now I will no longer be comment number 2,063 and feel like the last one to the party, only arriving after all the cool people have left and there’s nothing left but cracker crumbs and a melted ice cubes.

    Glad you continue to be on the mend, Jenny. It’s taking a long time, though. Hpe you are 100% very soon.
    love to you

  88. Oh, hooray!!!! Someone mentioned a family holiday greeting card in the comments…. Could you PLEASE PLEASE have a card available with the image of this family? Not right now, you’re mostly dead, but sometime in the next 6 months? I will go on a campaign to have my sister send out those cards for their family’s birth announcements!! GOD THAT WOULD BE AMAZING!!!!! Although, we would need to clarify that my sister is the unicorn pegasus of the family (obviously). Ooooooo, maybe we could do a side-by-side with the human family and unicorn-pegasus family… The possibilities are limitless. OK – once said unformed human child gets born, I will work on putting together something. We will, of course, send you a birth announcement so that you get to see the awesomeness. Wait, is it weird to send you your own card? I don’t care, it will be EPIC to have this image in some way related to the birth of an actual human baby child. OOOOOooooo! Newborns are so malleable, I bet we could even get a shot with the babies’ arms up over the tiny creature’s head! I’ll stop now.

  90. Hahaha I’m dying. I’m not sure what’s funnier, the positioning of the animals, or the fact that you had them hanging around ready to be positioned in the middle of the night.

  92. Obviously the baby was adopted. So good the parents are open minded. I hear raccoons can be a handful

  93. I’m picturing a new origin story for the raccoon from Guardians of the Galaxy based on that photo. Hm, prequel?

  97. I was just thinking, Susie, that would make such a wonderful Christmas card, call it “Goat Nativity Scene with Dogfather “.
    it is bizarre, but hey, you got the stuffed animals (and there isn’t much that’s more bizarre than that), they need a life, a hobby, maybe a creche…

  99. Of course you know that goat didn’t just give birth, no way you can cross your legs like that afterwards! It’s wonderful to watch you inching your way back to the land of the living, while still being wildly creative along the way. I don’t know who else could pull that off except you, and I’m sure Victor knows this too. Thanks for brightening my day, immensely.

  104. That is fabulous! They look like perfectly concerned parents! 😂😂

  108. I HATE not being able to sleep because of coughing. Or if I wake up in the middle of the night and my throat’s like “Oh hey! Since you’re awake, better get to coughing!” And then I shed a small tear. Also that looks like some kind of weird taxidermy nativity scene…and it’s precious!!

  110. You do know that there is another meaning for happy ending, right? I mean, that expression, relating to a goat, a Pegasus and a raccoon, might give many a lesser man pause.

  111. That’s fluffing wonderful! I really love the sassy position the goat is sitting in. Btw, Maury just got the results in and he says Donkgasus IS the father! (New reader here and absolutely loving the content. I’ve always loved taxidermy and I totally want to take Donkgasus home with me.)

  112. I was looking at the taxidermied mice at Paxton Gate and thinking of you. Wait, does that sound creepy?

  116. Awww what a beautiful family! You see, this is exactly the kind of thing I do with my stuffed animals (… toys. not taxidermy.) in the middle of the night. It’s just different ’cause yours are so much awesomer.

  119. So I had that cough thing, it took SEVEN weeks to get rid of it and the first week was on albuterol and the last week was back on albuterol, codeine cough syrup, steroids and antibiotic. Just so you know, there’s a strain that hangs around forever. I hope this isn’t the one you caught but if it is, there is light at the end of the tunnel but the tunnel is pretty disgusting. Get well soon!

  120. I love this. And I feel like that means I’m slightly crazier than I realized.

  121. Thank you thank you thank you Jenny. And where can I get posable goats and uncordonkgasesses?

  123. Wait. . . Jenny, you have a Pegasus?! When did you get a Pegasus? How did I miss that?
    Also, congratulations to the happy couple on their new addition. Adorable photos!

  124. Well, whenever I go to the doctor, and he does some test like knocking me on the knee with his tiny hammer, which is an absolutely useless test and more like an excuse for me to kick him in the nuts, his next test is usually the one where he asks, “Have you positioned any dead rams and winged horses in rocking chairs in the living room,” when I answer, “Yes!” he gives me a clean bill of health. So congratulations! You’re on the road to recovery.

  126. I’m extremely happy you feel less dead. One morning you will wake up and feel mostly alive and it will be fantastic.

  127. Jim, the Crap Taxidermy may truly give me night terrors, as advertised. Holy crapanoli, thank you for sharing it. Also, the trapped turkey in the house is priceless.
    Jenny, your commenters are right on time, to use an outdated but accurate assessment of the situation. We love being weird with you. It helps us know that we people who see things differently (weirdos to outsiders) have a non-threatening community with which to share the insanity, although “Crap Taxidermy” that Jim dropped on us borders on threatening in a psychological sense.
    I love your posts, glad the plague is receding in increments you can recognize, and I too REALLY want some of the meds you’re on, although my brain frequently works in that manner anyway. Hang in there, baby. We’re all with you in spirit. Rory seems a wee bit alarmed by his new family, but that’s just Rory. Or is that the other Rory the guy made you??? No animals shall be harmed, even after their untimely deaths. Maybe that’s the niggling worry Victor has for Rory. We all want the best for you and your menagerie (and your humans). Many hugs from New Orleans (yes, I met you on the tour and you signed my purse knife—“FEELING STABBY” you wrote. Felt that way today, but alas, no stabbings occured.
    Think it’s time for me to sleep. All the best, recovering plague victim.

  128. It’s like a beautiful nativity scene. Rory is perfect as a baby. He has totally nailed all those weird newborn reflexes.

    I am glad you are getting better! 11% is better than 10%. What would put you totally over the top is an Old Wizard’s Beard over ice.

  132. I am in jail and just got a write up for laughing too loud during quiet time. I’ll never get out at this rate and its totally your fault!

  134. The new family is beautiful!! Victor just chooses not to acknowledge greatness when it’s right in his own living room!

    Keep bringing on the higher percentages on the less dead scale! Truly hope you are feeling a bit better!

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  136. THIS!! ^^ made me smile😊
    Even though I am heading out for an MRI today – thanks, Jenny💗 & Dorothy B.🐶

  137. I see a pictorial coffee table book all over this. Have you seen the ‘Crap Taxidermy’ book yet? My brilliant son got it for me for Christmas. Best present ever, except fot the ones I buy myself.

  138. Ok, so I have to say–I’m with Victor on this one:). I don’t think I could have congratulated them either . . .

  139. When you’re only a little dead can you have fun with me storming the castle? We’ll tell Victor we’re shopping and bring him home a present. I know how much he loves surprises

  140. Amy (comment 17), you sound awesome (says the lady with a Skeleton in her Loungeroom nonchalantly playing ukulele)

  142. That’s one of the best taxidermic families I have seen. I also felt like you were recreating the nativity scene of baby Jesus. I swear this was my first thought. Is that sacrelig?

  149. When you said “11% less dead,” I thought you were talking about the dead animals for a minute and wondered why the hell you thought that was winning.

  151. It looks like a llamasus. (Spellcheck does not believe in them.) I think now you need a llamacorn to complete the triumvirate!

  152. I’m afraid the baby has been switched at birth for an evil alien. The kind of alien that grows up quietly in your house then one day just eats New York city. I can tell by the way the dog looks at it, its suspicious, dogs can always tell.

  156. Coming out of hiding to say – LOL. This made me laugh out loud at my desk at work. 😀

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  158. I just realized my copy of the picture in You ARe Here doesn’t include the tagline “Sometimes Safe Can Be Suffocating”. They like… whitewashed it. Now I’m mad. Also, stop ending up in the hospital. That’s like.. not cool, Jenny. Not cool. Be well.

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