So…yeah. In incredibly repetitive news, I’ve been sick. And I’m getting better but so. fucking. slowly. The pneumonia is now just bronchitis and exhaustion but being sick for over a week kicked in my natural inclination for depression because my body is an asshole. Today I made myself eat lunch and told Victor that when things get this bad for so long I start to think that I should have died a long time ago and that my body wasn’t meant to last this long. Or that maybe I died a long time ago and I’m just too stubborn to realize it and that’s why my immune system is basically missing. Then he was like, “Well, that’s bleak” and I said, “I am a hungry ghost who has forgotten she died” and he looked at me and said with the same intonation, “I am a horny goat who has something in his eye.” And it was so ludicrous and ridiculous coming after my overly-dramatic statement that I started laughing in spite of myself. And then I said that probably ghosts don’t laugh and Victor went back to his soup and was like, “Probably” and I felt better.
This doesn’t lend itself to a blog post very well but I still wanted to share in case right now you’re feeling the same. You are not a hungry ghost. Or a horny goat. You are going to be okay. And so am I.
PS. The news is scary right now and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by it but just remember that a new study in the Washington Post shows that the current spider population could devour every human on earth in one year and still be hungry. And that probably there’s a spider looking at you right now. That doesn’t sound like it’s a good thing but it’s important for two reasons. 1) When I read this my first thought was that I needed to stock up on flamethrowers to stop the spider horde and that’s a good thing because it reminded me that I want to live. Thank you, spiders. I weirdly needed to be reminded that I don’t want you to eat me. And 2) because it proves that just because spiders COULD eat us, it doesn’t mean that they will. We’re still alive today in spite of spiders. The glass is half full. Of spiders. But of spiders who won’t eat you. Probably because they don’t realize that they’d have to join forces to kill us and they don’t know their own collective strength because they don’t read the Washington Post, but still. The point is that we’re still alive, and spiders live on strings that come out of their buttholes. We win. It’s not a great win, but you know what? I’ll take it.
PPS. I don’t know how to end this post.
PPPS. Tomorrow I’m going to BookPeople to sign some books people have ordered so if you want one personalized just go to their website or call them. They ship all over the world. I’m going to tuck a bunch of YOU ARE HERE tattoos into each them as well for as long as they last so be sure to check your book when it arrives.
PPPPS. This post needs a picture. This is the face stuck in mine whenever I open my eyes. Dorothy Barker, furry nursemaid, eater of spiders.