Let’s just hope spiders don’t read the newspaper.

So…yeah.  In incredibly repetitive news, I’ve been sick.  And I’m getting better but so. fucking. slowly.  The pneumonia is now just bronchitis and exhaustion but being sick for over a week kicked in my natural inclination for depression because my body is an asshole.  Today I made myself eat lunch and told Victor that when things get this bad for so long I start to think that I should have died a long time ago and that my body wasn’t meant to last this long.  Or that maybe I died a long time ago and I’m just too stubborn to realize it and that’s why my immune system is basically missing.  Then he was like, “Well, that’s bleak” and I said, “I am a hungry ghost who has forgotten she died” and he looked at me and said with the same intonation, “I am a horny goat who has something in his eye.”  And it was so ludicrous and ridiculous coming after my overly-dramatic statement that I started laughing in spite of myself.  And then I said that probably ghosts don’t laugh and Victor went back to his soup and was like, “Probably” and I felt better.

This doesn’t lend itself to a blog post very well but I still wanted to share in case right now you’re feeling the same.  You are not a hungry ghost.  Or a horny goat.  You are going to be okay.  And so am I.

PS. The news is scary right now and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by it but just remember that a new study in the Washington Post shows that the current spider population could devour every human on earth in one year and still be hungry.  And that probably there’s a spider looking at you right now.  That doesn’t sound like it’s a good thing but it’s important for two reasons.  1) When I read this my first thought was that I needed to stock up on flamethrowers to stop the spider horde and that’s a good thing because it reminded me that I want to live.  Thank you, spiders.  I weirdly needed to be reminded that I don’t want you to eat me.  And 2) because it proves that just because spiders COULD eat us, it doesn’t mean that they will.  We’re still alive today in spite of spiders.  The glass is half full.  Of spiders.  But of spiders who won’t eat you.  Probably because they don’t realize that they’d have to join forces to kill us and they don’t know their own collective strength because they don’t read the Washington Post, but still.  The point is that we’re still alive, and spiders live on strings that come out of their buttholes.  We win.  It’s not a great win, but you know what?  I’ll take it.

PPS. I don’t know how to end this post.

PPPS. Tomorrow I’m going to BookPeople to sign some books people have ordered so if you want one personalized just go to their website or call them.  They ship all over the world.  I’m going to tuck a bunch of YOU ARE HERE tattoos into each them as well for as long as they last so be sure to check your book when it arrives.

PPPPS. This post needs a picture.  This is the face stuck in mine whenever I open my eyes.  Dorothy Barker, furry nursemaid, eater of spiders.

148 thoughts on “Let’s just hope spiders don’t read the newspaper.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Jenny you rock, sick or not, I await your rule during the spider apocalypse!!!

  2. Well, the news about the spiders coincides with an article that National Geographic put out yesterday called “Cannibalism Study Finds People are not that Nutritious.” Perhaps this is why spiders have not started eating the human race, and why if they did, they’d still be hungry.
    Great to see that there’s plenty of bizarre news to go around.

  3. I saw that spider headline and refused to read it because OMG MY FLAME THROWER IS OUT OF FUEL.
    I hope you feel better soon – I’m sure Dorothy Barker will insist upon it. I’ve been coloring my copy of You Are Here and I haven’t colored anything in more than a decade and I had forgotten how soothing it is just to color something. THANK YOU. Be well.

  4. I often entertain the notion that perhaps I’m already dead and the afterlife just happens to be really pedestrian and nearly identical to actual life. Probably because my parents are ridiculously Catholic and this is sorta what I figure they envision Purgatory to be like.

  5. I could be a horny goat. You don’t know any better. Dude, I’m a little bitter that I’m with Victor two posts in a row. If you make this a habit, I’m putting it in your permanent record.

  6. Good grief I hate spiders… so thanks for the itchy-ootchies I know have (ya know that feeling where spiders or bugs crawling on you??? NO? Just me? ah well)… but also thanks so much for NOT putting a picture of spiders in the post. Dorthy is much more adorable 🙂

  7. If it makes you feel any better most spiders are nice guys who totally don’t support the small percentage of asshole spiders. Also they’re only watching us because they’re all spider sex perverts and that’s how they get off.

  8. I went to the doctors today for an ear ache and a rash. I left with a double ear infection and strep throat. I left with more than I went in with which is usually a win, but I feel like not in this situation. My dog is also my nurse, but her snoring is keeping me awake. Also not a win. On a good note I’m not depressed or manic…but always bipolar. Sending healing thoughts your way!

  9. I’m a cat person, not a dog person, but that picture! That face! She is watching over you (in a good way, I mean).

  10. My tarantula Rosey Grier does not eat people, even though he has had plenty of opportunity. He is a nice spider. He only eats crickets. So, don’t worry.

  11. NOW I know why I have been killing spiders in my house for my entire life! I am a soldier at war, y’all! I can’t wait until one of my uber-kind hearted friends insists I not kill them and I can just tell them “Be glad I’m making the sacrifice so you can live, Janice!”

    Because Janice doesn’t understand the War on Terror, do you, Janice?!

  12. I’m not saying I don’t respect spiders and their place in the universe, but I could do without the ones in my apartment always showing up out of nowhere for (apparently) the sole purpose of just sitting there and watching me pee at 2am. They may not want to eat me but they sure do like catching me with my pants down.

  13. I’m not a fan of spiders or snakes for that matter, but I love the fact that Victor can be so helpful in getting you to laugh.

  14. I went in for a routine pelvic exam and ended up with an endometrial infection. I’ve had so many doctors in my lady garden this week, I’m owed at lest 3 dinners. Cheese sticks. Edible arrangement. SOMETHING.

    At least the usual arrangement with doctors is “don’t call me, I’ll call you”, right? 😉

  15. OMG, I just read that too…are they serious…so spiders could eat us and I thought all we had to worry about was the people the White House…now this on top of it…well maybe the spiders could just go there first….just sayin…

  16. Not going to lie, I’m in a pretty crappy place right now. I would say shitty but I’m a lady. well, sometimes…
    I’m not sure that it counts for much, but I want to say it anyway; thank you for sharing so candidly. I’ve been wondering similar things- my body hates me too and I’m a single mom and life is just hard right now and sometimes i just wonder if I’m meant to live. I mean, I AM alive right now and I want to be for my daughter but dang it right now is hard. So, thank you for helping me not to feel so utterly alone, and for the chance to chuckle.

  17. I’m allergic to spider bites. Anaphylactically. Any spider bite. Poisonous or not. So I’m dead meat anyways when it comes to spiders killing me and eating me. I’ve carried an epi-pen for years because of it. In the last 14 years I’ve carried one due to drug allergies. I’m not afraid of spiders as I photograph them every opportunity that I get! And it’s funny because I always tell them “Don’t eat me!” as I get in close to snap their photograph! HAHAHA!

  18. It breaks my heart you’re still so ill. Feel better <3 be patient with yourself and snuggle animals, against their will if needed. There is more love if they struggle to get free!

  19. Boarded a shuttle bus at the Grand Canyon back in October, and the first thing the driver told us was that it was tarantula migration season, so we might se some.

    Ummmm…..

    Those fuckers MIGRATE????

  20. By reading this post and some of the comments I have learned that spiders don’t play well with others, someone somehow did a study on cannibals and nutrition, and that my job is very safe and very boring. And I’m OK with that.

    I am going to eat my non-human non-spider lunch/dinner and hope you feel better.

  21. I’m quite impressed with the skillful manner in which Victor gently deflected your depressed ramblings and made you feel better. He needs to teach a class that I can send my husband to, or write a book of his own.

  22. Is there any way to buy the tattoos? I’m not usually a big temporary tattoo fan but my friend, that I bought You Are Here for, and I are going to a festival at the end of May and these would be perfect!!!

    (There isn’t but check your email later. I recognized your email because you were on of the people who won the tattoos on last week’s post. I’m just behind on sending out notifications. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  23. Looking at the news makes me a little bit gaspy, but somehow a glass half full of spiders not eating me does make it feel a tiny bit better. Thank you, as always.

  24. Maybe it’s obvious because you’re sick and all, but I still have to ask: You’re not doing a book- signing tomorrow, right? Like, all official where you meet the folks, sign their books, take photos and pray for it to be over? Had to clarify coz I have a free day, a car and am close to Austin.

    (No, just stopping in and signing stock and then hitting the road. Not quite ready to do another reading yet. ~Jenny)

  25. My furry nursemaid has been keeping my feet warm and looking concerned whenever I cough. It’s excellent care. The only thing that would be better would be if I could strap some money and a note to her and send her to the drugstore for supplies.

  26. If I’m going to be eaten by a spider, I hope it’s a tribe of delicate daddy long-legs, and not a cockroach. Although cockroaches probably don’t qualify as spiders. Still, if the feast was on, they’d be at the head of the line.

    Rest easy, knowing that spiders prefer to dine on more robust specimens. So as long as you’ve got the pneumonia/bronchitis, you’re safe.

  27. so i’m not really spiderphobic but some of those images/gifs in the article will likely feature in nightmares…

  28. wait until they do the study on cockroaches. THEN we will all be VERY afraid. they can live off plastic y’all! cockroaches are the dandelions of the insect world. spiders? meh…..

  29. I think there’s a saying somewhere that goes,

    Well, we didn’t come here to fuck spiders!

    Meaning, we didn’t​come to screw around. Just thought I’d throw that out there.

  30. Victor is good people.

    Also, spiders have eight eyes, so they can read 4 newspapers at once. I know these things because I’m a zookeeper.

    I’ve bought three of your books so far, but I might need to buy another one to get the tattoos. Because tattoos, man.

  31. There was a really big spider in my bathroom the other day, and I debated not killing it, because someone on Facebook had posted this poem a while ago about how killing spiders was like racism (or something), but then I decided, it’s my bathroom. so I hit it with a catalog and half of it just vanished. Like, there had been a big spider there, and now there were a couple of legs and one glob of guts, and nothing else (needless to say, this happened very close to my toothbrush). Anyway, long story short, it must have exploded, because I found the rest of it on the edge of the window frame about a foot away, and now I’m using a new toothbrush.

    Moral of the story: Spiders. They might eat you, might explode, might make you a bad person if you kill them, but I’ll take my chances.

  32. So glad you are feeling better. Any chance you can sign an extra Furiously Happy for me? I will be getting some money soon, don’t have it yet, but I promise that I will order when I get it. Money that is. That way, you don’t have to go there again to sign a book, just because I didn’t get my money in time? I figured it’s worth asking. But I understand if the answer is no. Anyway, I rambled so much. I just got done with the audio book (from the library..librarys rock!) of Let’s pretend this never happened. So good. I loved the end, about the drinking game, and about the sno cone story. LOL! Take it easy. Love ya!

    (I always sign all of BookPeople’s extra copies and I try to drop in to sign more once a month. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  33. YES to Kira from comment #28 on Victor writing a book of his own. I’m thinking:
    “HOW TO Pretend This Never Happened”

    A survival guide for the people who love us broken people. Victor could have fun with that.

  34. Spiders won’t eat us because they don’t know how to operate the heater.

  35. Good thing that article was about spiders eating people and not protective nurse maid dogs! The news is terrible but your blog post wasn’t! Thanks for bringing some laughter (well, Victor actually gets most the props today) and perspective to an otherwise not great day.

  36. I thought it was “who’s fucking this cat?”
    Or maybe “who’s fucking this spider?” Or maybe “who do i have to fuck around here to get a spider?” Or maybe? “Who’s spider do i have to fuck-
    Oh, never mind.

  37. I thought it was “who’s fucking this cat?”
    Or maybe “who’s fucking this spider?” Or maybe “who do i have to fuck around here to get a spider?” Or maybe? “Who’s spider do i have to fuck-
    Oh, never mind.

  38. Melissa B (#10): yes, I know exactly what you’re talking about, and there’s a word for it: formication! (Ya gotta watch that fourth letter there.) It comes from the Latin for ants (formicideaeae…something like that.) How’s that for a word-of-the-day?

  39. First off, Victor is a keeper. You probably weren’t questioning that after this long with him, but I’m just sayin’.

    Second, yes I do have spiders looking at me right now. There are about half a dozen spiders that build webs outside my office window. I treat them a pets that I don’t have to feed or take for walks or buy collars for. They’ve never asked me for anything and I think they’re awesome 🙂

  40. OH MY GOD! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS SUSPECTED! Not the horny goat thing (well, OK maybe a little that), but the spiders outnumber us and could totally eat us all if only they could get organized thing. AAAAUUUGGGGHHHHHHHH

  41. Ever since reading Charlotte’s Web, I have had a soft spot for spiders. Just the nice ones though. Not the assholes intent on eating us.

    Glad you’re feeling better, but sorry that being sick triggered your depression. I’m wobbling on that particular separatrix myself and trying to keep from entering the black hole. Our bodies and minds certainly like to fuck with us, don’t they. Nice to hear, though, that Victor continues to be a horny old goat, even when he gets stuff in his eyes.

  42. Don’t worry, the Doctor drowned the people eating spiders. And the Master blew up their mom.

  43. Perhaps this will cheer you up-
    A friend’s mom has cancer ( that’s not the cheer you up part. We have to travel through the cancer to get to the cheer.) And I made her a chemo bag – being a bag that contains necessities for chemo. I made the bag and I made a super awesome fluffy blanket to go in it. Also included are a couple bandanas, a baseball cap but a cool one. Why do people feel the need to dress cancer patients up like toddlers? They have cancer. Not having hair doesn’t automatically qualify them for ugly ass fuzzy stupid looking hats. Anyhow. And fuzzy socks and a journal and some neat pens and colored pencils aaaaand YOUR BOOK! This is the second time I ended up giving the book that I ordered for myself to someone that needed it more. That speaks volumes. You created something so awesome that there are people so in need of it that I have to keep ordering it! Plus- I am ordering them by the several. It’s not like I am buying them one at a time! I thought bow perfect – a relaxing way to pass the time and some attitude and reassurance mixed in.

    I better buy a few more. You never know who may have a catastrophe and need you in color book form.

    Also- I read the spider article and all I have to say is that the person that wrote it is one fucked up SOB. Who the hell even thinks to research let alone write about such a thing? A lunitic, that’s who. In suspect he went off his meds. And needs a new hobby. I should send HIM a coloring book!

    Snakes and spiders. Kill first. Question – well, never. I don’t care how beneficial they are at eating bad things. I can put out mouse traps and I have frogs and lizards to eat insects. I don’t need spiders. I have had not one but two brown recluse bites requiring IV antibiotics. Kill those bastards and avenge me.

  44. Glad you’re starting to feel better.

    In November I started playing the ukulele as a stress reliever. An added bonus is its capacity to annoy the snot out of, well, pretty much anybody I choose. I highly recommend it. And truth be known, although I thought my whole life that I couldn’t play a musical instrument, I’ve actually gotten pretty good at it. One of my current favorites is called “Keeping Your Poop in a Jar.” I play it a bit differently from the original, but I do give credit where credit is due…. Hayseed Dixie

    I think it will give you a laugh: (theirs, not mine)

  45. My just-turned-four granddaughter asked my daughter ” Are you real or or are you a dream”?
    Have you two met?

  46. Aww…but spiders are so cute. Even the giant freaky scary looking ones are KINDA cute. I wouldn’t mind being eaten by a cute spider.

  47. I have a spider truce. I declare this out loud: you have a place in the world. That place is NOY in my house. It is not building webs across my walkways. Honor the truce and I don’t bother you. Come in the house and I assume you have a death wish. I very very rarely have spiders in the house. Geckos I have in the house! And they don’t bother me at all. 🙂

    I’m sick, too, and I feel for you. May our immune systems quit fucking about and do their jobs, so that we get well!

  48. The Viking ran over a tarantula….purely by accident because we didn’t expect one to be right in the middle of the road…..and I wouldn’t get out of the truck for 400 miles. And then I made The Viking come over to my side of the truck, open the door and then yank me really hard so I would land far, far, faaaar from the truck. I still get the heebie jeebies when I think about it. I hate any insect that has fur. I won’t even tell you about the time a really big moth flew down my top and started flapping its huge fuzzy wings around between my boobs because it gets X-rated very quickly. Anyway….spiders. Gross. Especially the flesh eating kind.

  49. You are amazing. No matter what personal hell I’m in the middle of, I read your work and I smile just a little. Thanks for reminding me I don’t suck and to stop crying

  50. So glad you’re feeling a bit better. If you eat something solid you will feel less ghostly.

    Dorothy Barker loves you. 🙂 She looks so watchful and intent in that photo, like a true friend and loving nursemaid.

    I wonder, when our pets look at us, do we look to them like animal-ified humans the way that our pets look human-ish (anthropomorphized?) to us? Are you a doggo-person to Dorothy? Am I a birdy-person to the parakeet on my arm right now? It worries me. Do spiders see us as really big spider-people? Is that why they don’t eat us? because we’re their kind, and spiders don’t eat other spiders? Or it is because we are such big spiders? This is overwhelming me.

    Every time I see You are Here I am so tempted to order a copy, but I’m trying hard to be good and save my pennies, though there will come a moment when the desire to clickety-click a copy into my life is irresistable, and I will be happy about that.

  51. Whether you are sharing something profound crazy, sad, silly, or adorable, you always add to my life. I’m sending healing; check the mail, it’ll be there soon. 🙂

  52. Hang in there, Jenny. It takes special people to make us realize that as dead as we feel, we don’t want it to be permanent. Hugs.

  53. I’m one of the people who preordered the book for my sister in law!!! Thanks so much Jenny!!!

  54. Jenny, I just discovered you! I grabbed your book of the shelf in the airport and have been laughing my ass off ever since. You are fantastic and I love you!

  55. My cat sometimes tries to eat spiders but he’s a crappy hunter. He usually ends up with spider legs in his whiskers and leaves a corpse on the kitchen floor for me. Gee, thanks cat.

  56. I hate spiders and definitely do NOT want to be eaten by one/many. Creepy is what that whole eat all the humans article is. If they try I hope we give them righteous heartburn and gas.
    I’m glad you are getting better all be it slowly. I ordered a signed copy of You Are Here and , wow tattoos, too?? Hopefully that will break down this very persistent depression I’ve got going on that goes hand in hand with the constant pain. Anyway, Liana #43, when I requested a signed copy of You Are Here, I also asked if I could order LPTNH and have it signed as well. They were able to send me that one right away as they had some already signed. So check with them cuz Jenny is cool like that with the signing thing. Thanks Jenny can’t wait double much now because tattoos.

  57. A picture of Dorothy ( or any af your furry friends) is always a perfect ending to your posts. I want to thank you, again, for You Are Here. I have overcome my fear of colouring (due to my perfectionistic nature) and have found it surprisingly soothing. I have to wonder why I demand perfection from myself, but give everyone else permission to make mistakes. I hope you’re back to 100% soon, although your imagination and wicked sense of humour never seem to desert you even when you’re sick. Love and hugs.

  58. It’s so weird how there’s times when I’m going super depressed as well and then you always find a way to cheer me up! You’re not spying on me from somewhere are you?? Ahah jokes aside, what victor said about horny goats has to be the funniest thing I have ever heard! And Jenny I also hope you feel better soon!! 🙂

  59. I had this flu, too–in February. 4 months AFTER I got the flu shot–how’s that for a kick in the pants? And another 7 days of bronchitis thereafter. I feel for you. You will get better–you just won’t think you will. But you will.

  60. This is an oddly timed revelation to me as I had a close-spider related-call today. I was extra hurried at work. I am a midwife & had run from a birth back to the office because I had people waiting for me at the end of a very long week. I ran to the appointment and had only a second to grab a drink of water. As I gulped down my last swallow of water from the glass at my desk I looked into it. A solitary, tiny, spider was running around in my glass. When was the last time you saw a tiny baby spider all alone? I couldn’t think of one either. I’m hoping this little guy was not running around my cup thinking “holy crap, this giant just swallowed my family as we settled into our new vacation home by a lake.” Just to be kind I quickly killed him and scrubbed the cup. Out of mercy, really.

  61. sends soooo many hugs I’ve never been physically sick to the point where it interfered with my depression, but I can see how it could happen. I’m glad that Victor and the spiders made you feel better. Dorothy Barker is just the cutest thing in the world.

  62. Thank God for Dorothy Barker, spider eater. My dog would run to me for shelter (even tho she’s a heeler and supposedly tough). Our cat Smokie would totally step up however, IF the spirit moved her, cats. My husband is deathly afraid of spiders so no help there…

  63. OMG, I got bitten by a spider yesterday AT DISNEYLAND. Or Disneyworld. I can never remember which one is which. But still, a spider bit me at the happiest place on earth (though I doubt this is the happiest place on earth because it’s in FL and all the weird-in-a-not-good-way things happen here and in a few years the whole damn state will be under water thanks to climate change and now I’m questioning why I ever came here in the first place). The spiders are coming for you. Break out those flame throwers.

  64. Victor for the win 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I hope you feel better soon. I adore you for always making me laugh even when I think I won’t ever laugh again. Even if you are a ghost I still adore you. Please feel free to haunt me. I’d feel honored

  65. Tonight I went to a book signing and it really made me want you to come to St. Louis. Will you come to STL? Please? You know, before the spiders take over…

    Hope you are feeling 100% soon!

  66. You don’t know what kind of goat I am, Jenny. Also, can we all agree to prevent spider literacy? This post is great. My brain has been trying to kill me lately too. I love you and Victor.

  67. I’m going to have fucking spider hoard nightmares now. God damn it. PS: I’m happy you’re still with us. PPS: I have to stop ordering books or my husband is going to murder me, probably with spiders. PPPS: Conclusion, if I order another book to just get tattoos I will be eaten by spiders.

  68. Hey Jenny, wrap your noodle around this. What if spiders DO read the Washington Post? What if they’re planning their attack RIGHT NOW.

    Have you seen a spider in the last day or two? Think about it.

  69. I wanted to let you know I got a tote bag with your name on it in the mail today and it made my week!! If I was smarter and could figure out how to add a picture I’d show you my almost finished colored heart you drew and I colorized. Point is you touch my heart in many ways. Feel better, I need you!! <3

  70. I’m one of those few people who like spiders. I save them from the bathtub so they won’t drown. Once I had a black widow crawl up my arm on the inside of my sweatshirt sleeve. I quickly took off the sweatshirt, but was not bitten. A good children’s book to help one understand spiders is called Be Nice to Spiders. I used to read it to my students ( before I retired from teaching).. I also had a pet tarantula in my classroom. I figure if I was going to be eaten by spiders, it would have happened by now, since they’ve been around me for almost 72 years. In fact, there is a big daddy long legs above my head on the ceiling tonight. Sweet dreams!

  71. Randomness… why do I feel like I nees to have a best friend that will go on vacations with me and be almost exactly like me and finishes my sentences and just understands me? Why, even though I am married, I am searching for a best friend?? Every once in a while when I feel like I found my potential bestie and we go out to eat or whatever, I feel like we are going on our first date. Like why do I want a girlfriend?? Does anyone else have this problem or is it just me? I mean my depression keeps me from getting close to people but still I want to be. Thanks for letting me be random. Never commented on a blog so I don’t know the etiquette… am I supposed to stay on topic???

  72. Oh my gosh I am so sorry I didn’t reread my blog before I posted it… that is just horrible. The grammatical errors would put my 2nd grade nun teacher in a coma. Ugh!

  73. In my house, I leave spider corpses on the wall (but only when they start up at the top of the wall) as warning signs for future spiders – kinda like the old pirate warnings – you know, “beware all ye spiders who enter here.” Seems to be working.

    As someone who has been through the entire bronchitis, pneumonia, bronchitis, recovery sequence, I’ll say that it will take quite a bit before you are completely back. Don’t rush it. Celebrate the times when you sleep without coughing. Don’t feel guilty about taking naps or needing to stay at home rather than going out. In my experience, the more you push, the faster you relapse. It’s rough going through it, but taking your time will be better in the long run. Relapsing is not fun at all!

  74. I’m really glad I spent time reading all of the comments. OwnLessDoMore.us taught me that “T” Spiders migrate in comment #26. I am choosing to believe that they are migrating far, far, far away from me. I am terribly arachnophobic. 🙁

    THANK YOU for not sharing any pictures of spiders in this post. ❤❤❤

    And thanks for sharing a picture of Dorothy Barker. I will try to remember that, and not the spider news, when I try for sleep soon. (But I might watch a video or three [hundred] before trying to sleep. It’s after 3a here in Arizona, but I can stay up until the sun is shining. I won’t fall asleep. (Please don’t let me fall asleep!) 😟

  75. I think this post may be a bit of a humble brag. Even when you’re deathly ill, you’re sexy enough to make Victor a horny goat. That’s so cool! Don’t worry about the spiders, Dottie will protect you.

  76. This is timely information, considering that yesterday my 8yo spit in the trash can because, “there wars a spider when I was brushing my teeth and I didn’t want to give it a way to get inside me.” So now we are both spitting in the trash because I’ve never heard anything more logical.

  77. I bought the book last week when feeling down and self soothing by roaming the bookstore. I really should’ve gotten a personalized one because I want those tattoos more than anything. Any way to just buy the tattoos??

  78. After reading your post, frantically checked immediate vicinity for spiders. After that, I was able to relax and enjoy the comments. I love these people. My tribe. Glad you are on the mend.

  79. Have ordered third copy of ‘You Are Here’ with a request for your to personalize it (THANK YOU). I will give one of my other copies to a friend. Get well, soon, Jenny. I’ve been occupied beating depression back into a corner lately, too … or maybe the darkness was a gang of spiders. Actually, I think the correct tern is a ‘clutter’ or ‘cluster’ of spiders, but you’ll understand if I just scream, “Arrrgh! Spiders!”

  80. Jenny—Love you, love your dog!
    Keep getting better.
    I don’t know how it is that you can write something so funny when you have been deathly ill for over a week and still feel like shit and are depressed as well. I don’t think I could do that, but you made me laugh again this morning……….thanks. We all love you. You are an inspiration to me to keep finding humor in life No Matter What.♥

  81. It doesn’t mention the fact that we could no doubt eat all the spiders in a year, too. Do we need to start pre-emptively eating every spider we see?

  82. I really needed to read this today, in a weird and strange way. I hope you continue to get better and continue to thwart the spiders.

  83. She is such a sweetie. Here’s hoping you continue to feel better and kick the winter crap to the curb (don’t know if you’re getting our nutso weather, but snowed last night, 60s tomorrow, 75 next week…everybody’s sick and it seems never-ending)

  84. [Having tech issues – apologies if this is a dupe]

    She is such a sweetie. Here’s hoping you continue to feel better and kick the winter crap to the curb (don’t know if you’re getting our nutso weather, but snowed last night, 60s tomorrow, 75 next week…everybody’s sick and it seems never-ending)

  85. The spiders can try to kill us, but I’m thinking I could kill off several million if I put my mind to it. They may have numbers but remember that we are exponentially larger than them. Size matters, worry not!

  86. “The glass is half full. . . of spiders,” may have to replace, “So we decided we were screwed either way,” as my favorite mantra.

  87. I am pretty sure spiders are in fact trying to eat me. I’ve been bitten at lest three times in the last six months. That’s like, one attempted spider-mauling every two months. I’m some kind of arachnid delicacy.

  88. Damned if I’m not always one day late to the silliness! I am so happy that you’re not a ghost who forgot she died. That would be weird. I’m thrilled that you feel better and you’re hungry. But so are our spiders. We live basically in the woods with woodland creatures everywhere! I have my pistol ready for the bastard spider horde!
    Thanks for being you and sharing yourself insread of being selfish so we wouldn’t have anyone to guide us! 🙄 {{HUGS}}

  89. I wish I could send you a picture of my furry creature sticking his face into mine every time I look up. I’ve been flat on the sofa for two day, and my fluffy Shitzu is right there on my tummy. When we got him from the animal shelter he was called Chowder, but I don’t want a dog called after soup, so we called him Yoda, because that’s what he looks like.

  90. A horny goat could’ve learned to read. Or a hungry ghost coulv’e remembered how to read. If you believe in reincarnation, then we’re all ghosts and the hungry ones could be reading.

  91. Darn, I really wanted to be a horny goat. Then again, it would also be interesting to be a hungry ghost. Wait. What if we’re hungry goats?

    Glad you’re starting to feel better! And thank you so much for this blog post – knowing that all the spiders could eat us is alarming, but the way you put it also makes it relieving. Not that it would be relieving to be eaten by spiders, I mean about them not eating us. And the fact that string shoots out of their butts. That’s always comforting to remember.

    Dorothy Barker is so sweet. Max does the same thing: https://twitter.com/RamblesByTay/status/849990297761325056/photo/1

  92. I’m so glad you’re feeling good enough to obsess about spiders. Not perfect, but at least it’s outward gazing instead of inward:

    a thought here: have you considered a pneumonia shot? I had one years ago and it’s really cool. doesnt hurt, and gives you one less (real) thing to worry about. (sorry that was my inner mother talking. I’ll try to do better)

  93. Thank you for this post, you’ll never know how much I needed to hear this.

  94. Spiders will never win as long as we all have spider eating dogs and cats. Oh ya!!🐕🐈

  95. The movie Arachnophobia is still one of the scariest movies ever…but I’ll be ready for them when they come. I’ve been preparing since the day I first watched it! Lol

  96. So you just invalidate the existence of the horny goats who read your blog? Nice, Jenny. Real nice.

    Frankly, I could use more spiders. I’m surrounded by genetics labs and we have a lot of flies that get loose. But they’re not the annoying kind that love horse poop. Also, we have fewer superheroes around than the comic books led me to believe. Unless I just can’t tell because they’re all wearing glasses.

  97. I never get sick but I had bronchitis this past winter. It kicked my butt! Feel better soon.

  98. Actually, I kinda think spider’s win because of that string coming out of their butt hole thing…I’d like to have that so I could move around swinging from ceilings and stuff…

  99. #KillitWithFire is my go-to rally cry regarding all bugs, but especially spiders. I mean, I know that they eat all the other bugs we really hate, so we should maybe be more appreciative of them, but do they gotta have so many legs and eyes, already? shudder

    Glad you’re almost “mostly alive”, Jenny! Welcome back; don’t get eaten by spiders!

  100. Giant spider like at the end of Stephen King’s IT still isn’t as scary as that f*cking Pennywise. I’d rather be eaten by a spider than a clown.

  101. I was just sitting here feeling sorry for myself and thinking how everyone in my life must think Sad and terrible things about me. I have an autoimmune disease, Churg-Strauss Sydrome, that is very rare and causes flare ups whenever it damn well pleases and I hate it. I feel unreliable at work, to my family, pathetic and broken. I’ve read your books and they always made me feel…more sane so I decided (while crying and doing nebulizer treatments) to see what you’ve posted in the last few months. This is exactly what I needed to hear and I cannot thank you enough. I still feel broken but less than 10 minutes ago. Feel better soon and thank you for all you share!

  102. I don’t mind spiders. They eat the annoying OTHER bugs. We actually have one who’s taken up residence in our kitchen….after a few days, we kind of poke at him because we’re sure he’s dead, but nope – he scampers behind the fridge, and then returns to the same spot in the kitchen. For what, I dunno….

    When I become a ghost, I’m totally going to belch on people. BUUUUUUUUUURP

  103. I don’t know if this will be read by anyone, but I’m having a hard time. I work at a level one trauma center, and I work in the OR. I was working one afternoon and a coworker relieved me to scrub out of a case. I went to the surgery front desk and was told my brother was downstairs in the emergency room. I went to see what was going on, very much in shock. My brother was basically brain dead and dying due to internal bleeding. I had to explain this to my parents and they left the room. I sat with him whole he passed. How do I continue to work in that hospital? Hw do I look at the resident on my brother’s case that dealt the bad news? I don’t know what to do and I could use some help.

  104. To Annonymous: The comment just before mine. I bet there’s a counselor at the hospital you could talk to. I’m sure they’d be willing to help you out. You’re in a tough spot. Sending you positive vibes.

  105. Oh my God, I have the same little puppy face looking at me when I lie down. Don’t worry, she looks as devoted as my Libby. She’ll slay all the killer spiders out there. You have no worries.

  106. I honestly didn’t even look what I’m commenting on, but I just finished Jenny’s book Furiously Happy and it kinda sorta saved me. I don’t want to be overly dramatic, but I’ve loved someone who suffers from mental illness for the better part of 10 years. To put it mildly, I’ve been at wits end recently. To put it less mildly, the person I loved didn’t always love me the same, and sometimes super recently I didn’t always want to be alive because of it.

    Mental illness got defined in my 20’s. I’m fucking 37. I mean, fuck, they still categorize 1,000 different symptoms under a single umbrealla of “mentally ill”. What the fuck is ill? You’d get fired if you told your boss you were simply “ill’. He/She would ask “Well what the fuck is wrong with you?”.

    Sorry. My point is, there are a VERY small handful of books out there (and even less first-hand accounts) of what mentally ill even means. There’s about zero books out there for people who fall in love with those diagnosed as mentally ill. Furiously Happy book made me feel human. In some weird fucked up way, it made me feel okay.

    I just wanted to say thank you, Jenny. Even if no one finds their $25 dollar bill, you may have saved a life.

  107. I am a few days behind and see from future post you are feeling better, but, feel better soon!! Plus, spiders are dumb because if they could eat every human than what is stoping them from eating cats…and shoes. Cats and shoes are by far a bigger threat than we are. I mean, of course, when they meet their end by means of a shoe I am the one controlling it. Of course Harry doesn’t know that when he sees his cousin Jim-Bob perish by boot heel….wait this is getting away from me, so ummm, yeah feel better soon.

  108. Hi friend, I am so sorry for your brother’s passing. And I cant imagine or will I even pretend like I could comprehend what you must be going through. I have been sitting here with this blank canvas trying to find the right words to console you or make you feel better or even to tell you what I think you might want to hear. Shit, or even answer any of your questions. What I can tell you is that you need some time. Maybe take a few days, weeks to yourself and do some soul searching. You dont need to know the all the answers right now. You know YOU best and I believe that when the time is right you will know what is right and what your soul needs. Hang in there. I am so sorry again for what you are going through. sending love your way…….Liz

  109. I am and will always be in love with Liza Samuelson of Elsegundo, CA. There is not a day that goes by that my heart doesn’t feel for this woman. I just wish you weren’t going to sell me into slavery. Because it was real for me!!!!!!!!

  110. I’m glad you’re feeling better. And no worries about the spiders. They much prefer gnats and mosquitos over Jennys!
    I have a question for anyone reading this. I’m coming out of my latest depression low and have noticed something interesting. When I’m at a low point, my depression and anxiety latch onto something that I love and point out every flaw about it and makes me feel horrible for loving it. It’s like my depression is saying, “hey you know this thing you love? This thing that makes you feel good and gives you some respite from your problems? Well it’s mine now.”
    This has happened with A LOT of things I enjoy including TV shows, bands, celebrities, and lately a podcast I fell head-over-heels in love with a few months ago. About half the time I’m able to fall back in love when I’m out of my low. But there are some things that I now associate too heavily with the depression to enjoy anymore. I’m praying that I can get back into the podcast.
    Anyway, has anyone else experienced this, or have any advice for me?
    Thanks in advance.

    (Relatable, I think. Like when you eat something you love but then get sick it can ruin your taste for it for awhile. ~ Jenny)

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