Y’all, I found Jesus.
More specifically I found Jesus on a wall pocket at a thrift shop and Victor wouldn’t let me buy it because he hates Jesus. Or because he hates wall pockets. Hard to tell. But it’s fantastic because LOOK AT HIM. Most Jesuses (Jesusi?) fall under the subsets of “Caring Shepard Jesus” or “Vengeful Threatening Jesus” or “Peaceful Hippy Jesus” or “Fat Baby Jesus” but this is the first time I’ve ever seen sassy, eye-rolling Jesus who is adorably fed up with your continued poor decisions and silliness but is resigned to the fact that you can’t even seem to stop yourself from fucking up.
He is my favorite personal Jesus and I assume this is what He looks like all the time when He reads this blog. It’s the same look I give the cats when I find them back-kicking the giant pile of toilet paper they’re currently shredding into a nest after they’ve unravelled the last roll in the house.
If he had a thought bubble it would be him looking at God like, “I know, right?” Or perhaps an audible sigh of disappointment as he muttered, “Ugh. I mean, really?”
I told Victor is was like this Jesus was channeling your sassy gay friend and Victor was like, “Who…Kevin?” and then I gave him the above Jesus look and showed him these videos, but he still said $25 was too much to pay to have Jesus disappointed in you:
And then I held Jesus in front of my face and said, “WELP. Y’all done fucked up. Again. Just… AAARRGH. Forgive them Father, because a lot of them are dumbasses, apparently. *deep breathe* No. It’s okay. You know what? I’m cool. I’m fine. Y’all are just lucky that vengeful Jesus is busy appearing on a tortilla because he would not put up with this ridiculousness. Y’all need to get your shit together, okay?”
And then Victor said it was more like the look that Jesus probably gives when people are being shitty to other people and are like, “I’M DOING THIS IN THE NAME OF JESUS” and Jesus is like, “Oh God. Do not bring me into this mess. You know nothing of my work.” And he’s right and I laughed.