From flattered to offended to confused in under 5 seconds.

Y’all.  I was at the post office picking up my mail and the very young clerk helping me suddenly became transfixed and started moaning loudly while looking at my chest.  Like slack-jawed and audibly groaning loud enough that other people started looking and I thought, “Wow.  My boobs have never had this effect on a man before so I guess I should be flattered but I’m also offended because YOU ARE CREEPING ME OUT, SIR, AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO THIS.

So I bent at the knees a little so that my boobs would be under the counter separating us but it didn’t help and the guy’s hands were trembling and he asked, “Did you donate blood?” and that’s when I realized that he was actually looking at the bandage around my arm from having blood work this morning and that I’d bled through the cotton ball and onto the gauze wrap, but before I could answer he turned pale and yelled, “I NEED TO GO SIT DOWN” and sprinted to the back room.  And then I felt very relieved but also a tiny bit disappointed that my boobs didn’t suddenly have the power to render a man speechless.  But then I reminded myself that I basically made someone almost pass out using only my inner elbow and that’s pretty impressive in itself.

PS.  My boobs aren’t on my elbows.  I just had my arm up on the counter to sign for the packages.  It’s weird that I feel I have to clarify that.

PPS. I just got a call from my doctor about the blood work from last week and turns out my liver is still fucked up from the TB meds so I have to go on an additional medication (22 pills a day currently – a new, terrible record) to try to protect my liver and I also have to move from “under 3 alcoholic drinks a week” to “under zero alcoholic drinks a week” and I was like, “But can I still do heroin?” and she said, “Of course.  I’m not going to make you give up carbs, sugar, alcohol AND heroin.  I’m not a monster.”  And that’s how I know that I have a good doctor.  Because she gets my sense of humor.  Not that she approves heroin.

Anyway, the news could be worse but it still makes me a tiny bit weepy because I’m a bit overloaded from the last eight months of constant you’re-not-dead-yet-but-we-don’t-know-why-not diagnoses but then I opened the mail and it was filled with old buttons and lovely notes and books and I was reminded that it’s going to be okay and that at least I didn’t have a disorder that makes me pass out when I see other people’s elbows.

That I know of.


PPPS. For those of you who missed the button discussion on twitter, I collect them.  Then I pretend that my hands are Scrooge McDuck and the buttons are gold coins.  It is incredibly relaxing.  I’ll make a new video soon.

PPPPS.  For those of you asking, yes, I will happily take your unsorted handfuls of unwanted buttons if you don’t want them.  Here’s my address:   /   14546 Brook Hollow Blvd. #400   /   San Antonio TX, 78232.

159 thoughts on “From flattered to offended to confused in under 5 seconds.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Maybe that’s why you’re short of blood – they keep removing it! Thank god you get to keep the medicinal heroin. All is not lost lol.

  2. I LOVE that you made that guy pass out. You are even more awesome than I already knew. Love you. xoxo

  3. All this time, I’ve been buying your books and following your blog based on the assumption that your boobs were, in fact, on your elbows. So now you’re telling me that it’s all been for naught? And what do I tell my friends to whom I talked you up so enthusiastically when they too realize they’ve been hoodwinked? “Paul, that Jenny Lawson you told us about? No elbow boobs. They appear to be on her chest like everyone else’s.” I’ve got a lot of explaining to do.

  4. There’s a green button in there!!!

    (Ha! It’s out now. I’m always picking the mismatched ones out. ~ Jenny)

  5. My OCD made me post this: you have some tiny green ones in there with the white ones. Sorry. 😕

  6. Bless your sweet heart. I am so, so sorry you’re going through this crap. I’m no where near as funny as you are, so I’m not even going to try to make a joke. But you really had me howling with this one! Thank you for sharing your gift with us. We’re not worthy! (So, if I have buttons and other fun stuff to send to you, do I just send it to your publisher?)

    (You can send them to my PO box. 14546 Brook Hollow Blvd. #400 / San Antonio TX, 78232 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  7. Omg I used to do the SAME THING with my mom’s button jar when I was little. Soooooo relaxing!!!

  8. Buttons are fun to play with. My Grandmother used to have lots of containers of buttons that fascinated us for hours.

    I hope you feel better soon.

  9. I’m sorry I missed the button discussion. A mirror tried to kill me Saturday and I got to ride in an ambulance with two smoking hot firemen, so I guess I’ve missed some things everywhere. If I find any old buttons, they are yours. I’m assuming your mailing address is posted in a past post. (Wow. Don’t try to say that three times fast.) I hope the meds help and your liver stops being unhappy. hugs

  10. I have a bowl full of wonderful little plastic cubes that my husband bought me from a tabletop game supply website that I do the same thing with. And because they’re cubes, I can stack them and put them in neat rows by color and my heart is very soothed by that.

  11. And I’m so sorry about your 22 pills and mystery non-diagnoses. And hope if it goes on longer you get to a place that’s known for digging for diagnoses that most docs can’t find.

    I have one brown metal can with pictures of chocolate straw candies on it. It was my mmother’s , button holder. The bottoms are very old – 70+ years for some? – and I need to get the can from downstairs to have them near by. When I was a kid I’d play with the buttons on her bed, loved them.

  12. So where do we send things we would want to send you?

    (14546 Brook Hollow Blvd. #400 / San Antonio TX, 78232. 🙂 I usually only check it a few times a year but it’s near my doctor so now I’m checking it every time I go in for tests. ~ Jenny)

  13. Darn it. I knew I should have sent a balloon gorilla. He wouldnt have even looked like used condoms yet! Ah, well. Glad your mail was full of goodies, and hope, and love.

  14. When life gets shitty (I mean, you’re having a really hard time. So more shitty? Right Now. Let’s say right now at the existing level of shitiness ) remember that you had the power to look at a man and make him quiver before you. Boob entrancement would be the best super power ever.

  15. Wow, there’s no edit button, speaking of buttons. Sorry for the typos above.

    A lot of us have button memories.

  16. My OCD my be showing, but there is a blue bottom in that jar! Please revive ut immediately! 😂😂😂😄😅

    (Ha! You’d be shocked how many people were disturbed by that. I actually did remove it and several more. Every time I go through it I find one that doesn’t quite fit. I suspect Hailey or Victor throw the blue buttons in there to give me something to do. ~ Jenny)

  17. Well at least they didn’t take away the heroin. Your doctor would be just playing into this whole big opioid epidemic hype.

    PS How does one get mail to you? Jen Stigi from Bloggess Pals made us all these amazing bracelets with KKMF on one side and WWRD (what would Rory do?) On the other, and you really should have one!)

    (14546 Brook Hollow Blvd. #400 / San Antonio TX, 78232 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  18. That would be very strange to say the least. I’m not sure what I would have done. I hope the guy was okay. I was thinking vampire or something when you said he asked about your blood.
    That sucks about your bloodwork and pills. I hope you get better very soon.
    Hugs and love xoxo

  19. I went into a small sewing-type shop this weekend and they had buttons in jars. Separated by color. I thought of you.

    (Two weeks ago I spent an hour picking buttons out of an old-fashioned bathtub filled with them. I would have stayed longer if they weren’t closing. So ridiculous. So relaxing. ~ Jenny)

  20. How creeped out would you be if said buttons showed up at your house instead of your po box? Like, I admire your research skills sir, or stalker! get away from me? Asking for a friend.

    (I would be impressed. Victor, on the other hand, would get out the baseball bat. He had a bad experience with an actual stalker I had a few years ago and now he’s a bit paranoid. ~ Jenny)

  21. My ass has stopped up a tub before but my elbow hasn’t done a damn thing. I feel cheated. It has only given me lain when I’ve smacked it. Now I have a slacking elbow. Fuck

  22. My sister loves buttons too!!! I never thought anyone else would have this weird interest in buttons, but alas…

  23. Buttons are your version of worry beads. They can indeed be very soothing. I used to do that with my mother’s button collection.

  24. I find watching you sift the the buttons so soothing – so i’d say that’s a twofer:) And as I head to my 7th operation – this is just the thing i need to help my nerves. Thankfully no great shakes this time (just a Quasimodo lump on my back that we all assume is just a fatty cyst) but i’ll be thrilled to not have my twin any longer:)
    Besos –

  25. I am incredibly unaware of the power my boobs hold. The other night I made a joke about showing some cleavage to get some help doing something. An my girlfriend told me “you joke, but the other night in HomeGoods a guy got smacked for looking at your boobs.” I am oblivious.

    Also I thought him asking if you had donated blood was going to lead to some weird vampire cultish type of thing.

  26. Buttons are some of my favorite things – I have a shop called Beaded & Buttoned and I dream of having Dave Grohl write out Foo Fighter lyrics for me where “A button on a string” is part of the verse. Then I’ma get it tattooed on my right arm. #Buttons

  27. You made a guy pass out!I used to pass out during my blood work till I gave birth twice. Now I just look the other way and I’m fine!

  28. For clarification, my boobs ARE at my elbows. I tuck them into my waistband. Thanks, mother fucking nature. Stay strong, fly high, and seek the light in the darkness. Once your eyes adjust, it doesn’t take much to see it.

  29. As a kid I always loved looking through my grandmother’s button tin (this long metal rectangular box with a lid.) I now have my own button box that I stash all the various buttons that come on new clothes (the extras, I’m not randomly removing buttons from new clothes.) It is therapeutic to fondle them.

  30. Your doctor is AMAZING! Thank goodness she gets your sense of humor and plays back…because a dry doctor would have you committed AND on 23 pills a day 🙂

  31. Won’t someone please make a long sleeve T shirt that says “My eyes are up here” on the elbows.

  32. I LOVE how totally, stinkin’ MENTAL you are! Not only do I get to crack up every time I read your latest, but you also provide the internet with stories, scratch that, NEWS that I can actually use and relate to instead of the latest drama from divas who might as well be aliens from another planet. Best of all: I also get to feel that maybe, just maybe, I AM NORMAL!
    Once again you’ve provided real, hard core evidence that my own ADD, OCD and other examples of general loopiness (that drive my husband nuts on an hourly basis) are just run of the mill ‘hobbies’. 🙂
    Of course, now I want a huge jar of buttons. Actually, I want many huge jars of buttons–so I can sort them by colors, sizes, shapes, and various levels of precious. Very soothing. I’ll also need an extra special jar of buttons on hand at all times because it will become my new ADD focus tool. That’s a thing, right?
    Stay mental. Stay weird. You are loved and needed desperately in the mental and weird lives of so many! 😉

  33. Let’s be honest. His reaction was probably a little of this, and a little of that. Don’t sell yourself or your elbow boobs short.

  34. My son has a button phobia for some reason – maybe I shrieked at him ‘dirty! dirty!’ when he was about to eat one as a baby?
    ‘They f*ck you up, your mum and dad
    They don’t mean to but they do etc etc ‘
    I truly hope your health picks up – might it be allergies too?

  35. One of my favourite childhood memories is playing with my grandmother’s button box. She saved buttons off of every single piece of clothing she ever owned when it was ready to be retired and she had her mother’s collection as well. It was a big plastic green box with a white lid. As a small kid, it was soooo soothing to just run my fingers through the buttons and let them waterfall out of my hands. It felt wonderful and sounded so tinkly and lovely.

  36. Well thank goodness your doctor understansds the wholesomeness of heroin, Shelock Holmes did it and look how awesome he was!😄

    Boobs are unfortunately placed, I once had a cashier look right at chest level and say: “Are those real?” I had no idea if I should have been offended or not. On the one hand it was weird to be asked if my boobs were real but on the other hand it was a real testament to my bra that my boobs looked good enough that someone would think to ask. Then I realized I was wearing a sleeveless top and she was talking about that tattooed bands I have on each arm that are about level with my chest. But I realized this a fraction of a second after I “Um, yeah?” And then “Oh you mean the tattoos! Yeah, they’re real.”
    Of course then she had to ask: “What did you think I was talking about?”
    I have no filter at the best of times and I was fighting with the card reader so I just said: “I thought you were talking about my chest.” Then realizing what I had just said: “Sorry!”
    Luckily she just cracked up and said that if she was going ask about that she would have given me some coupons in the hopes that I wouldn’t punch her.

    I was a regular at that store, so thankfully we both got a laugh out of it!

  37. At what address can we send you buttons?

    Julie from Ontario, Canada

    (14546 Brook Hollow Blvd. #400 / San Antonio TX, 78232 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  38. I’m on less than zero alcoholic drinks a week and less than zero sodas a week and less than zero teas/coffees a week and less than zero juices a week. My husband asked if I was at least allowed bread with my water. Sadly, the answer is no. Which is why I find fun things to do like carry a disco ball with me when I go to the hospital, just to hang off my IV pole so that I can pole dance.

  39. Buttons/ the colors and their smoothness bring me comfort. My Grandmother sewed. Mostly elegant drapes back in the day/ always had bowls, jars of buttons around. As a child I would sit and watch her work/cut on this huge work table while sifting through all the buttons with my small fingers. Loved the cool/smooth texture. Very calming. I feel ya babe!!!!! Wonderful memories….

  40. You have ALLLLLLL The Buttons…. I’m always looking for buttons to fix pants at my house. You had some pretty spiffy ones in there. I loved the snowflake looking one. 🙂
    I do not wish for your buttons, but I like that you have many….. 🙂

  41. The first picture book I wrote was about a button collection (based on the ones I inherited from my grandmother. They are all just everyday shirt and coat buttons, nothing fancy. Just vestiges of everyday life, but somehow they’ve always felt special.) I haven’t published that one yet, but I still hope to.

  42. Thank goodness you still have heroin! I’ll bet if you had had a nipple slip the guy would have just about lost it. Just before passing out.

  43. Oh crazy childhood memory!! My mom had an old cookie tin filled with buttons and I used to love to run my hands through them! I had somehow forgotten about that with my stupid trauma brain. Thank you! (And I might be crying a little right now)

  44. I’m sorry you’ve had so many health problems lately, and I can only imagine how much it sucks. I’m glad you’re able to keep your sense of humor, because when your body is staging a coup it can be HARD. I had a bad reaction to the Topamax I was taking for migraines. It was causing tightness in my chest and trouble breathing, so I had to use 3 different inhalers until the symptoms were gone. Then I was diagnosed with diverticulitis, and the CT scan they took showed cysts in both my ovaries, so I had to have them removed. I also have GERD, so I had to have a colonoscopy and endoscopy and have been diagnosed with Barrett’s esophagus. It seems like it’s been one thing after another the past few months, and although I haven’t been as ill as you’ve been I can empathize. I hope that all your medical issues will be resolved soon and that you’ll be feeling better! If I find any cool buttons or anything else I think you’ll enjoy I’ll send them your way. Thank you for sharing your struggles and continuing to be funny. You’re a big inspiration to me, and you’ve helped me keep my sense of humor too!

  45. Sorry to hear alcohol is off the cards… I think that might be enough to push me to heroin. Or cake, cake is pretty good too. Love the buttons!

  46. My favorite thing is to get a jar full of those orbeez and stick my hand in..sooooo relaxing….

  47. Have you ever poured the buttons on yourself (like gatorade for a coach that won something)? That seems like it would also be very satisfying in a Scrooge McDuck way (just don’t dive into a pool of them).

  48. Did the counter person sparkle? Maybe they are a vampire and the sight of your blood made them want to leap over the counter but instead they took the humane path and hid in the back until you were gone.

  49. Well, Jenny, I know it’s rough, so I’ll make you a deal. I promise to moan over your boobs. No alcohol involved. No promises about heroin. That’s the best I can do.

  50. How do I send you buttons?! My mom has an entire popcorn tin full, sanz popcorn of course.

  51. I get the button thing, but I prefer to sort Legos. 🙂 I’m glad your doctor has a matching sense of humor.

  52. That poor man. Probably thought I can do this job, how likely am I to encounter blood at the counter where people pick up their mail, then you walked in.

    Maybe next time you could wear you prosthetic nipple. In your elbow.

  53. You need finger spats to be Scrooge McDuck! I guess fingerless gloves would be the best thing.

  54. When I was a kid my mom sewed and thus had a chinese soup container full of buttons. I loved digging through the buttons and picking out the “fancy” ones and the silly ones shaped like animals, it felt like treasure to me. So as an adult; I have my own collection of buttons. It’s not nearly as impressive as yours but this post made me smile and think about my button treasure.

  55. I often think I have a groan-inducing effect on my fiance. I’ll walk into the living room wearing a cute dress, and I’ll hear him making pre-amorous activities noises. Then I usually realize he is just grunting sensually as he plays video games.

  56. If only every crappy work day meant I get a new amazing post from you it would all be worth it! But in all seriousness, your funny stories are always amazing and it really did help me today

  57. ‪My sister has a chronic illness, is on many scary meds, and they often tell her that her blood and other things are messed up‬ but they don’t know why and they keep wanting to do more tests. She trusts her doctors, and while she appreciates their thoroughness, sometimes she just tells them to stop. She’s decided that she has been dealing with this for so long and she knows how her body feels, so if she feels ok then she is ok. Not to say that symptoms should be ignored, not at all, but sometimes, for her anyway, sometimes it’s just time to stop looking. Bottom line, I’m glad that you don’t have to give up heroin and I hope you find the diagnosis and treatment that works for you. You truly are an inspiration to me and to so many others. Thank you for being here.

  58. I’m so excited. I don’t do twitter (that’s not why I’m excited) I didin’t know you collected buttons. I sort of do,too. But I don’t have nearly as many as you. The exciting part was that while watching your video I saw one of my buttons, the big lacy one that looks like a snowflake. We have matching buttons. Actually, there are a lot that match, but they are the common ones. I just finished making a button rooster. I’d post a picture of it here, but I don’t know how.
    Anyway, I love that you collect buttons. Lately I’ve been sewing them on old tee shirts to perk them up. It’s fun and therapeutic, too. I’m stuck with a broken foot and have 4 weeks to go before the cast comes off. So making things with buttons helps.

  59. Nineteen pills at night, twelve in the morning. Well, it’s SUPPOSED to be twelve in the morning, but the blood pressure pills make me woozy, and the doctor argues that I need it to protect my kidneys (apparently it’s a diabetic thing). Oh and two types of insulin, so I’m getting to be blasé about shots and blood draws.

    But phlebotomists love me because I tell them “I have ONE good vein” and can point to where it is. Oh, and both mama and granny kept button jars, but granny used up much of hers. She started making button-covered jewelry boxes.

  60. I like beads. I like to sort them, hold them and gloat that they are mine. I hide them from my husband too. I need bead lovers anonymous.

  61. OMG, another button person. I thought I was the only one. That video made me gasp and say PAYSANO. Someone who knows about my button thing once asked a very stupid question, “What are you going to make with all those buttons?” “Um, nothing, I put them in jars.” And then she says, “Well, you’ve got to use them for something?” Poor girl. “If I used them for something then I’d have less buttons.” DUH. Most people just don’t get it. We should put each other in our wills.

  62. Like so many others above I also have happy memories of sifting my hands through my mother’s button box.
    It was a white metal box with blue and green flowers on it.
    When I had kids, she gave it to me. All the happies.

  63. I love reading your posts…particularly about meditation because it reminds me to take my migraine meds!

  64. Pills are a slippery slope. I started out with one. Then I hurt my back, had two surgeries and then I was on 3. Sometimes the 3 weren’t quite strong enough so then I need to add 2 more which brings the total to 5. And then one of those started eating my stomach and then I was on 6. But then the one to protect my stomach began doing it’s job too good and then I was on 7. Then Menopause hit and the total went up to 10. And then my bones weren’t being bone-y enough and I was on 12. And then I started getting cysts and then I’m on 14. My cat died and when we got another cat I suddenly became allergic so I’m now on 16. See? Slippery slope. I now have a Sherpa that packs my cart full of drugs. And sometimes I get annoyed and yell at Gawd and The Viking but then I remember I probably should be in a wheelchair and I’m not so I stop being a baby for a while.

    When life gets you down….call for your Sherpa and ask him to dance for you. Works for me. :o)

  65. Okay, so even though you’re feeling very weak, you are quite strong. Much stronger, for sure, than the dweeb who was distracted from staring at your knockers by the blood on your arm. You’ve got this!

    Hmm. Buttons. I should look and see what interesting ones I have to add to your collection. I assume send it via your publisher?

  66. Hooray! You can still have heroin and gave a clearly overworked postal clerk a good excuse to go and lie down in the middle of a work day. Job done, high five. And you are all the good things. Also, I did the button thing with a huge 20 litre tub of clag once. Felt so cold and nice that I just wanted to swim in it. Didn’t get a lot of love from the art teacher though. I was supposed to be filling the glue pots as part of a detention. I think I actually got kicked out… of my own punishment. Huh. But never mind. I blame the system. I mean honestly, who puts a freshly opened drum of clag (gooey glue) in front of a very tactile little weirdo and then expects her NOT to touch it?

  67. That’s not good Jenny. I hope they find out what’s wrong soon.

    Now I know what I can do with the spare buttons that come with my clothes; send them to you.

  68. That big mother of pearl snowflake looking button… I was eyeing that one before you even picked that up. That would make a hell of a pendant. I am drooling just thinking about making it into jewelry.

    Any buttons I don’t use to make jewelry I will send along to you now that I have the super secret PO Box address.

  69. I’m choosing to believe that it was, indeed, your boobs that had him suddenly needing to lie down but it would be very awkward for him to admit that so instead he just feigned nearly passing out from the site of blood.

    My Mom is 80. Her doctor told her she shouldn’t eat carbs… she got down to about 110lbs (way too thin) and then he told her if she was going to starve herself, he was calling social services. So, she started eating carbs again and put on a little weight. Her next checkup he was happier with her weight until she told him she’d just started eating carbs again. He was a tad miffed. Dude, she’s 80… let the woman eat what she wants, she’s earned it!

  70. I’m will regret every day that I’ve already disposed of the turtle who was turned into an ashtray.

  71. I now need to know what container my mom has/had all her buttons in because it was this many, it was separated out by color, and it absolutely made me happy and relaxed. Never realized it till I saw the picture above (didn’t even need to press play). I can still hear the sound of the buttons against the sides of the container, but I don’t think it was glass… <3

  72. I’m sorry about the diet and no alcohol but u look amazing even with a box on your head. I’m really impressed that your elbows nearly made a guy pass out. I nearly made my bosses boss pee her pants a couple of months ago by scaring her. I thought this is going to get me fired but it will be funny as hell. Ps I didn’t get fired even she thought it was funny as hell but now she’s afraid to walk anywhere I might be. I call it a win. Luv ya Jenny

  73. Gosh, I am on fewer than zero alcoholic drinks per day, too! I am also supposed to cut down on my cheese consumption (read saturated fat there), but I’m having trouble with kicking that habit.
    Perhaps heroin would help…. I thought 16 pills per day was a lot. My doctor thinks I’m nuts because he will ask about a medication, and I will say something like, “Is that the pink one, or the beige one?” I have to have a list on my phone to keep track of it all.

    Also, I am sad that I can’t respond to gwebbyjen51 (she’s comment #41). I also have a daughter with a button phobia. I’ve never known anyone else with a button phobia. My daughter has had it since before she was verbal and is now an adult. If you ask her why she hates buttons, she shudders and says, “the HOLES are creepy!” She does better (not well) with shank buttons. I own very few clothes with buttons (she’d freak out if I had to hold her hand with buttoned cuffs, or hugged her while wearing a blouse, etc). She can be around buttons now, since she’s talked herself into tolerating them, but she doesn’t wear buttons – even her wedding dress had a zipper.

  74. Recently I drank less than zero beers in two consecutive 24 hour periods and almost passed out. The one time I gave blood I did pass out. I once got slapped for looking at a woman somewhere not in the elbows, but I didn’t pass out. Okay, the last one was a lie. It was more than once. 😉

    I guess what I’m trying to say is, sorry about the bad news. The additional-pills-liver-still-fucked-up bad news, I mean. The rest of it seemed to work out fine for everyone but the mail clerk.

    He could use a beer. 🍺

  75. Do you watch ASMR videos on YouTube? The buttons would be great for an ASMR video. It would put me right to sleep!

  76. I think you need Dr. House. And if he couldn’t figure out your problem, he also plays awesome music. And make you laugh. Call him.

  77. I can’t wait until that post office kid watches his first baby born. What a weenie!

  78. Your boobs are likely to be exactly like the eclipse: only when they are revealed do stout men swoon.
    I’m not worried.
    And yay for pills working but also, fuck pills.

  79. He must be a Trump supporter. Way too concerned about women bleeding from “wherever”.

  80. I had AN INCIDENT with alcohol where I diligently followed the directions- “Instant asshole, just add alcohol” Presto! Color me surprised!
    At the same time I realized that while I could pour alcohol in my car’s gas tank and it would be fine, that’s not the case for my stomach. So, there’s that.

  81. If he can’t handle blood, he should have never signed up to work in the gore-filled pit that is the United States Postal Service.
    P.S. The next button I find is going straight to you. I also live in southern Texas, so don’t freak out when you see the return address. I promise I’m not stalking you. I just like micheladas and nice weather.

  82. I have a beautiful old MacIntosh tin full of buttons that I inherited from my great-grandmother–it’s one of my favourite things. Also, good to know you can still shock and awe–even if it’s with your boobs or elbows.

  83. I missed the button discussion on Twitter, though I don’t know how since it’s one of my favorite places to be. I’m jealous, I wish I had thought of plunging my hands into a bucket of buttons to relax. As always, hoping for healing for you!

  84. I love that you love buttons, and yes, I love buttons too. I also love that you shared your addy a few times to help us get buttons to you. My dad is recovering from 2 heart attacks and I’m staying with him. As soon as I can I will send you buttons. 💖

  85. My sympathies. We went through 4 months of winning at Stump The Doctor and it was so stressful. 8 months, that you can still write and joke makes you totally amazing.

  86. I visited my aunt, who had a gravy boat of buttons in a bay window. I plunged my hand in, and she smiled and said “Everybody does that!” Universal thing, there!

    In the quilting world, you get lots of buttons. The best local fabric shop has a pirate’s chest that you can play in, and two prices: one for just plunging a scoop in; one for picking out buttons!

    I was feeling bad about taking a few pills a day, but in comparison to you and some others–I’m doing great! I hope your doctor and pharmacist are carefully monitoring the interactions among your meds.

    Also: don’t soak through your cotton ball! You can’t afford the blood loss!!

  87. Jenny, dear Jenny! I used to play with buttons a couple of tins, full of buttons, when I was small, under 10 … I LOVED playing with my Mother’s buttons collections! I know the Joy of the sounds they make, as they slosh around the tins! I remember the fun of playing with them, spread on the floor, my favorites, the pretty one, the ones so unique that I remember the, still. ENJOY, dear Jenny!

  88. didn’t anyone else notice there is a tiny green button in with all the white/beige/eucere/light tan/cream ones? it’s driving me crazy.

  89. I must be the only Anglophile costumer up in this bitch, because the first thing I thought was “OMG I COULD FINALLY MAKE THE PEARLY QUEEN OUTFIT OF MY DREAMS!”

    Yes, I become strangely excited at the thought of covering a set of black velvet clothes with loads of pearl buttons sewn in fantastic patterns; it fills me heart with Cockney glee, guv.

    Your Pal,

    Storm the Klingon

  90. I am amazed at your ability to go with the flow. If I was you I would already be on crystal meth riding a blind camel.

  91. I have some buttons I would love to send you, but it never occurred to me to sort them by color because, obviously, I do not have OCD (I have family members that will argue that point). If I send them to you unsorted, will that cause you anxiety?

    (Actually sorting them is half the fun. Its super relaxing to sit down and clean them and sort them and look at each one. ~ Jenny)

  92. so… The only issue I have with this is how dirty buttons get. I don’t wash them, but everytime I buy a stash of vintage sewing supplies as a lot & have buttons to sort through, my hands are filthy at the end.

    (I soak them overnight and then wash them in a colander. So many have sat at the button of sewing kits for generations and have the dust of a century on them. ~ Jenny)

  93. I never understood how people could get sooooo faint at the sight of a little bit of blood. I had a friend in high school who used to have the same reaction–like even if you hadn’t bled through the bandage, if you even had one on she would get a little woozy. I asked her what she did when she got a paper cut or something and she said it doesn’t bother her as much if it’s her blood. I guess she has special blood.

  94. I do the same thing with buttons, I have since I was a kid, and you are right it is very soothing. Just watching you do it is almost as good though.

  95. You and my mother seem to have the same issue, you can’t go anywhere without coming back with a story! Who knew a trip to the post office would turn into something so funny.

  96. Glad you didn’t lose more blood!

    My daughter passes out at the sight of her own blood. She’s basically okay with someone else’s. We found this out when she was having her blood drawn at about age 12 or so, sitting on a barstool-type chair (yeah, I know, like, WHY?) and she glanced at the arm they were drawing blood from and passed out. Falling toward the counter where they had a basket holding about a dozen vials of blood drawn from other people, knocking it off of the counter and causing it to hit the floor with her, many of which shattered.

    Imagine those phone calls telling people to come back in.

    Also, my husband gave his own blood a couple of years ago before surgery. After what was supposed to have been his last time for that we got a phone call that a tech had somehow caused the bag to come open and they spilled it. He had to go back as soon as it was safe and they had to “fast-track” that last bag for it to get to the hospital on time.

  97. I collect buttons too! My grandmother worked in a button factory and had jars of buttons all around her house. After she passed away I started collecting buttons to remind me of her.

  98. I have a collection of buttons also! Mine is from thinking that one day I’m gonna make some massively creative and adorable project that I have seen off of Pinterest, but have yet to ever do. I’m bipolar, so one of my fun habits is starting, and collecting supplies to start, some hobby, craft, business,etc. that I have just thought of, seen, or heard about, but then never start it. Lol I now know where I can send my button collection! You should post a list of collections…maybe I have more in different categories that I could send you lol


  99. OMFG,I’m so glad you got my button gift! Im in your pic so I’m nearly famous. Obviously, I personally am not in the pic but what the hell close enough. And what kinda girly man can’t take seeing a little blood? Or boobs? Though thankfully he didn’t go all postal on your ass! #theblogess #nearlyfamousnot

  100. Ok misunderstood the post form and am a complete idiot. It’s really just Lorna not Love you Lorna though I do love you. And by that I mean you Jenny. Oh bugger it!

  101. Perfect video, Jenny!!
    Sunshine #77 What is a button rooster?!?!
    PLEASE figure out how to post a photo!

  102. My God, we both collect the same sorts of buttons and do the precise, same things with them! I don’t know if we’re weird or wise to be clued in to the magic of buttons!

  103. Hi! Awhile back you asked for road trip suggestions and I didn’t have one because most of my road trips are spent reorganizing the mayhem rendered by 4 kids in a minivan which I really cant recommend to anyone but since last weeks excursion to see the eclipse only interested two of them I had a chance to look out the window. Saw a billboard on the highway through Athens TN (not Athens GA) boasting the 3rd Largest Taxidermy Collection in America and Pawn Shop. Husband wouldn’t stop to see it or even slow down so I could snap a picture but I thought of you.

  104. And now I owe an apology to all the people I’ve referred to your blog for years, saying, “Oh, go read The Bloggess, she’s exactly what you’re looking for” and I only just realized all those people weren’t asking if I knew where to get a heroine.
    On the bright side it still sounds like you could help them.

  105. I had a moment of worry that you’d posted your ADDRESS not a POBox….thank you goodwoman for thinking ahead.

    Someone else in the family got my mother’s old button box, and when I mentioned this on a club FB page, an older member sent me HER mother’s old button box. I don’t sort them…. I just go through them and smile, remembering. I find them so beautiful I’m seriously thinking of stringing them on gold cord to use on the Christmas tree.

  106. “(Two weeks ago I spent an hour picking buttons out of an old-fashioned bathtub filled with them. I would have stayed longer if they weren’t closing. So ridiculous. So relaxing. ~ Jenny)”

    You show great restraint. I would have climbed in that tub and hand-shoveled buttons over me like the weirdest bubble bath ever.

  107. When you wrote about how you find buttons so soothing, I thought of this scene from one of my favorite movies, Amelie.
    Sometimes the simplest things in life are the most soothing, thunder on a rainy summer day, the smell of ozone, or the sound of a cat purring on the bed next to you.

  108. Hi Katy — I don’t know if JENNY intends it as such, but that’s exactly where my mind jumped, too.

    Jenny, I came back here to add that I’ve found myself happily sorting Perler beads. Those are little craft beads that kids arrange in patterns then melt slightly so they stay together. We bought a huge bulk container of mixed colors….and I found a new use for little baby food jars.

  109. I sent you a package of buttons today. Enjoy them, they are very varied. 😉

  110. When I was very young, my mom was bathing me in the sink. She used two small cups to rinse me. I took the cups and put them on my chest and said…when I get big, I am going to have these on my elbows….sooooo boobs on your elbows is not an original idea. 🙂

  111. Hope you and your family are safe and dry. Thinking of you as we watch coverage of Harvey on the PBS NewsHour. Take good care….

  112. I would provide you with a picture of my cats cuddling to help with the soothing, but I apparently can’t do that in a comment. Dammit. Well, at least you have buttons and heroin to occupy you for now. Do you ever find yourself walking around singing Bad Blood during all of this weirdness? I would. Xoxo.

  113. Apparently my laptop has gone from being a tool to being a Tool; it no longer plays your videos. I hope someone puts it up on Youtube soon–pretty please?

  114. Oy, do I have buttons. As soon as I can find them ( we are remodeling and you know how that gets) and they have probably gone to ground somewhere, but when they surface I’ll send some of them along to you. Anything to help a buttonholic.

  115. It sucks that you have to go through all this but it is empowering to know that you can make a grown man collapse at the sight of a small amount of your blood. That and your wicked sense of humor which seems to help you persevere. We love you and think you are awesome. 💜

  116. It wasn’t until the last sentence in your first paragraph that I realized that your very young clerk was a guy. I thought “day-um, not only has she mesmerized a VERY YOUNG clerk, but there were audible moans from this chick while she was at work!” and those are some powerful boobs because she has a set, too and shouldn’t get that worked up” and then when I realized it was a GUY very young clerk I was less impressed by your magical moan-eliciting boobs. I mean, there was still some measure of impressed, but not as much. And then I was further disappointed to find out it was just an oozy bandage. You’re basically a tease, Jenny.

  117. Loooove button hoards! I like to sort them by color, size, number of holes, complexity, etc. Glass beads are also incredibly soothing to play with in large numbers.

  118. I wonder if anyone is interested in the idea of sending postcards, letters, (or anything that fits into a standard envelope, for that matter). Maybe collecting and displaying them online, maybe just swapping or sending around to brighten up someone’s day, etc. I know there’s Postcrossing and stuff, but I particularly like this place because I feel freer to talk about my depression problems here, knowing that everyone will understand.

  119. My husband and I have a silver bowl that we filled with beans. It makes a very satisfying sound and relaxing sensation to run one’s hands through it. Sending love and healing energy to you Jenny.

  120. He thought he would never see a vein at a Post Office. He thought he was safe from it all.

  121. Lovely idea. I am austistic (HF Aspie) and think I could benefit – a nice tactile thing to do, and things involving hands are relaxing for us. And looks good for visitors too. Cheers.

  122. That thing you’re doing is the exact right thing to do with too many buttons, and it’s probably as good a stress-reliever as “making fists with your toes” in the carpeting when you’ve had a rough flight (thank you, best Christmas movie ever, DIE HARD). The buttons are a teensy bit less portable, tho. :/

  123. OMG, I totally get the button thing! My great grandma used to store her spare buttons in one of the Danish butter cookie tins that all grandmas put sewing stuff in and I loved to mess with them. The sound of them rustling against each other is great! Since I also liked to match and sort them, I really appreciated that it looked like you sort your collection by color since it was just white-ish ones in the video!

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