So it’s day 6 of Victor being out of the country and leaving me to be an adult so today I changed the vent filter in my office and it was horrifying because IS THAT WHAT MY LUNGS LOOK LIKE?  Also, I wasn’t sure if I had the filter turned in the right direction and I couldn’t entirely close the vent cover back up but I still felt pretty grown up until suddenly I smelled something totally on fire.

And I went outside and there was thick smoke everywhere but I couldn’t tell where it was coming from.  It was like Stephen King’s The Mist but with fewer monsters and I was pretty sure it wasn’t coming from my house but I couldn’t tell for sure so I called security and said, “Hey.  So…how would I know if my house is on fire?” and the security guy was like, “Ma’am?” and I explained that there was smoke everywhere and he said, “Oh, that’s all over the neighborhood.  It’s fine.  It’s just a controlled garbage fire” and I was like, “Oh my God, ‘controlled garbage fire’ has been my whole year, dude.”

So long story short, I did not start any major fires today.


60 thoughts on “Day six. STILL ALIVE.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Every time I change our filters, I think, damn am I this bad of a housekeeper that there’s this much dust in our house? But I saw a woman at our county fair this year who was recycling dryer lint for weaving and I think I might have a side business here…

  2. I think most people would agree. Forget 2017: Year of the Rooster. It’s 2017: Year of the Dumpster Inferno, people! Put that on your Chinese zodiac and smoke it.

  3. I live in a city, so we don’t have garbage fires. (Well, not the literal kind. It’s DC, so we have plenty of metaphorical ones.) I do have a neighbor in my building that forgets to turn their stove off pretty regularly, so like once a fortnight we have to call 911 all, “Hey, it happened again.”

  4. I never can tell if I’ve put the filter in right. I mean, the arrow is there that shows which way the air flow goes, but which way does the machine filter it??

    Congrats on not burning the house down. <3

  5. Controlled Garbage Fire doesn’t sound like the kind of thing to be totally chill about. Yikes.

  6. Dear sweet baby Jesus please keep this family safe until Victor gets back. I know it’s keeping you really busy but…

  7. I was not aware that “controlled garbage fire” was a thing that exists. That seems a little strange. But I totally second the christmas ornament idea.

  8. Controlled garbage fire? Yeah, I’m pretty certain that was the excuse the government used in “The Mist” when they blew a hole in the 4th dimension.

  9. My year could also be summed up as “controlled garbage fire,” but without the “controlled” part. Basically just your typical garbage fire, lots of screaming, crying, having to call the authorities to keep from burning alive. The usual.

  10. Honest to god, they are doing controlled burns here in pinetop, have to prevent the big fires, but gives my son seizures, he has epilepsy, so I am trying to make happiness by putting up everything Christmas that I can find!! I swear, your humor is a lifesaver!!

  11. Oh man, I am having the worst day (exhausting panic attack thanks to complex PTSD, plus med side effects making me feel like I want to fall asleep and puke at the same time..)

    I needed to read this. Though I am sorry that other people’s lives are like garbage fires too…mine is currently in the ‘less controlled’ stage.

  12. Last week I was at my moms stuff getting stuff from her basement…my husband had just changed 2 bulbs and the power went out. Luckily it was the whole neighborhood that lost power…because I was seriously concerned we didn’t know how to change bulbs.

  13. Next time someone asks me how I am doing I am going to use that! Like a controlled garbage fire!

  14. Oh my gosh… I was like, “Oh my God, ‘controlled garbage fire’ has been my whole year, dude…..yes!! That is my life. By no fault of my own. Forces larger than myself…I am so glad I am not alone. I am using it in my Facebook page. I will give you credit!

  15. Oh my gosh… I was like, “Oh my God, ‘controlled garbage fire’ has been my whole year, dude…..yes!! That is my life. By no fault of my own. Forces larger than myself…I am so glad I am not alone. I am using it in my Facebook page. I will give you credit! I promise

  16. “Controlled garbage fire” sounds like the best description for this whole year, just, ya know, for the whole country. :/

  17. I have to travel with work fairly regularly, so it makes me mindful to keep my mouth firmly shut when my other half goes away and leaves me in charge of the kids 🙂

  18. Controlled garbage fire is the best description of the last year. Um, and my life, honestly.

  19. So many days you crack me up, and I really needed it today. THANK YOU for being you.

  20. Your paranoia is all of our paranoias. I would have done the same thing – called 911 to find out how to tell if my house is on fire. Thank you for being such a hilarious part of our tribe!

  21. Thank you – it’s nice to see that others are in the same boats with me! Seriously, it’s gotten to the point where, when asked how I am by people at work, I say “Excellent!” Because in that moment, while at work, THINGS ARE UNDER CONTROL. Leave work – barely controlled garbage fire these days. It’s nice to know I’m not alone!

  22. If “Controlled Garbage Fire” wasn’t such an apt descriptor of our federal government, it would totally be the name of my new garage band!

  23. My sister in Napa, CA had a similar experience. She thought her husband (who has Parkinson’s) tried to cook something and burnt it – she went downstairs and discovered Napa was on fire – not her kitchen.(There was a window open – hence the smell came in). Fortunately she and her husband are fine and their home wasn’t near the actual fires. Well near enough that we all worried about her for a week.

  24. That’s funny. I’m watching The Mist right now. A controlled garbage fire is waaaaaay better. It’s your lucky day.

  25. controlled garbage fire is going to be my life for the next few months. My 96 year old Dad broke his arm opening a jar of pickle relish, which has great comedy potential, only he’s not dealing with it well. Mom is fanning the flames. Whoo hoo!

  26. We have controlled burns which are like forest fires. Actually, they are forest fires, but they try not to let them get out of control. Sometimes they do. The smoke can gag you from hundreds of miles away.

  27. My maintenance man tried to set my dryer vent on fire 🔥 by cleaning it out today, we even got a visit from the front desk of the building checking on what was going on. Whoops, sorry neighbors for giving you a scare.😱

  28. Ok I’m sooooo making controlled garage fire ornaments. Plus I’m soooo proud of you for lighting the house on fire but I’m still disappointed you didn’t buy Beary Manilow. You two could have started your own FB live talk show 😪😪😪

  29. My husband is military and leaving for 18 months starting Jan 1, and I’m not sure how me and my daughter will survive, but obviously humor helps.

  30. It’s important to count ALL of victories and when anyone tells you that the filter is in backwards you will ALWAYS have the fact that you didn’t set the house on fire OR even set the garbage on fire. Because YOU KNOW that they called it “controlled” as a way to pretend they did on purpose.

  31. I think “out of control dumpster fire” would be an accurate description of 2017. On the plus side, though, I think you just came up with something to add to your Zazzle store: “I did not start any major fires today”. Those would be perfect as a sticker or a badge of some kind!

  32. OhMy… andcwgen are we expecting Victor’s return??
    You must be so proud of yourself! I’m proud of you … although grass probably not a big deal, since we don’t know each other. But- GOOD ON YOU🌻🌻😆

  33. My mom visited last week and asked about the neighbor’s rusty barrel. I told her that was just their burn barrel and she said, “No, the other one”. Sometimes, we become so numb to the controlled garbage fires going on all around us, we don’t even recognize when another one starts. Yikes. I should add, I live in the middle of town! 🙂

  34. Skull woman, and other cyber friends- make todaybthe first day of making changing furnace filters, EASY!
    take a BIG broad-tipped permanent black magic marker. Down to, over to your furnace. With new filter in hand.
    Take the time to see, learn, absolutely, which direction the air flow come … to the filter.
    Mark on the sheet metal (who is Ever going to see this, except you?!?) with a simple easy to see ARROW, near the filter site.
    Now, for the rest of your lives, in this abode, you WILL find replacing the filter, to be a Piece Of Cake!
    You’re Welcome!!!

  35. “So long story short, I did not start any major fires today.


    To be honest, I find the “major” qualifier nearly as troubling as the “yet.”

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