Victor is still in Japan so life is still weird and I’m continuing to share my daily journey with him on instagram.
Quick flashback to three days ago if you have been dunk since then (no judgement):
View this post on Instagram
Day 3 of Victor being out of the country: Found a seven foot gold chicken chained to a tree on the side of the road. Sent Victor a video text of me singing "I'VE GOT A GOLDEN CHICKEN" (ala Charlie and the Chocolate factory) and then I IMMEDIATELY got a notification from Bank of America that my credit card has been cancelled "for security reasons". This is not even a joke.
Today the shop selling the golden chicken was open so I decided to see much it was even though Victor was not entirely supportive. And then this happened:
So then I rushed in to find out who had sawed off Lindsay LoHen’s shackled foot to steal her away in the night but turns out that SOMEONE BOUGHT HER. And apparently several people had been fighting over her because the shop lady was like, “Wait. Were you the woman who was going to paint the paint the chicken black and put it at the end of her street so you could tell people to turn left at the beautiful giant black c0ck?” and I was like, “No. But now I’m pretty sure my sister is in town and bought Lindsay LoHen.” Long story short, no golden chicken for me. Unless Victor bought her as a surprise and is picking her up on the way home. Which seems unlikely.
Insert sad trombone noise here.
BUT the shop lady said that she could order another one, however there can be only one Lindsay LoHen so I asked if there were any other giant metal things…like maybe a trex? She’s looking into it. There is always hope, y’all.
And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- NUMBER 21 Y’ALL.
- If I could cook this is totally what I’d make for Thanksgiving.
- I love this.
- I bought this weeping angel a stress toy and it’s awesome because the hands don’t line up perfectly so it looks like the kid on Home Alone screaming. Plus, I cut a hole in the bottom and pulled out the rod inside and now it’s hollow and squishier and I can use it as a Xmas tree topper.
- People always ask if they can buy signed, personalize copies of my books for holiday gifts so go here if you want one or five. I go sign books once every month or so and they ship all over the world.
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Treehut.co, which is the perfect way to give a sentimental gift without trying at all. Treehut.co is a California based company making unique and engravable wooden watches to show either your love or your hate. IT IS UP TO YOU. So when you forget an anniversary or need a great gift for your graduation nephew in a hurry, Treehut.co is a fantastic option that will make you look thoughtful even though we all know you just forget. You should check them out here, especially because they have a good sale on now.
79 thoughts on “Day seven. TRAGEDY STRIKES.”
Read comments below or add one.
I wonder how many of the people who were fighting over Lindsey LoHen are readers of this blog?
But you know what this mean, Jenny? It means that you have kindreds right there in your little town. Or an evil twin? You should ask her for the name and number of the people who were fighting over it so you could create your own little cock flock. Yes? You’re welcome.
How can Victor stand to be away from your beautiful insanity, Jenny?
I am hiding the chest hugger photo from my son and husband. I have enough to do Thursday without making their Turkey day slightly more awesome.
Nooooooooooooo that is a tragedy, that golden chicken could have gone on outings with the giant metal chicken Beyonce.
I am so sorry that Lindsey is lost to you…
But I am curious….what would you have done with Lindsey?
And second what is anyone going to do with s 7 foot chicken?
I guess now though you can tell Victor that it was not crazy to want the chicken because several people wanted the chicken…so in a way it shows you were right in wanting the chicken…
Did that make any sense?
And if so thank god someone else speaks Karyn
(What wouldn’t I do with a 7 foot chicken? ~ Jenny)
There is (or maybe was — moved away in 2015) a giant metal T-Rex in front of a daycare center on Bandera Road, between Loop 1604 and I-410.
I know how this story is gonna end! I saw it in a movie. The Ladies of LoHen will come riding in to the rescue when it seems all hope is lost.
In the movie, the main characters had hairy feet and kept calling them the “Riders of Rohan” but we all know that this was just Hollywood trying to dramatize for more ticket sales.
I love this!!! You are creating a tribe of weirdos that will someday be the normal and then we will all be normal… so we’ll have to become more weird to keep up the status quo… and we all have a head start so we’re gonna rock this!
Charlie and The Cihcken Factory
Charlie and The Chicken Factory,,,not friggin Cihcken
Huh. Far more interesting than learning the violin, or dealing with this baffling link: http://fixwork.online/?id=1844
I am HOWLING and crying a bit.
“turn left at the beautiful giant black c0ck”
Husby is calling my psychiatrist and I am like “there are legit reasons for my behaviour” but I can’t actually say that sentence because I’m cry-laughing too hard.
VIctor didn’t want to admit that was what he was going to get you for Christmas, and he really doesn’t want to have to come up with a different gift, so he had them cancel your credit card to prevent you from buying your own Christmas present a month early! (That sounds totally legit, right?)
A giant metal jackalope–that’s what I recommend.
You need to find the woman who wanted the big black cock. She sounds like someone you should be aquatinted with (if you are not already).
Yes, that’s what I would say. “Who was that woman? I want to drink with her.”
Love that new shirt in your shop. You rock, Jenny.
So, there’s a big enough demand for big chickens that the woman has a regular supplier? Gotta love the world.
Come to Oklahoma we have several places to buy Giant Metal Creatures. So far we have purchased: a horny toad, a cock, a giraffe, a flamingo, and a peacock. I really want a dinosaur… But it all started with your story of Beyoncé. My sister and I have them all herded in our mother’s yard.
“Turn left at the giant black….” omg, you are a genius!!
‘Cause I’ve got a golden chicken, I’ve got a golden chance to make my way ! And with a golden chicken, it’s a golden day ! Dang…anyone else have that tune stuck in their head ?
There are a couple places on 290 northwest of Houston where you can buy concrete 7 foot chickens, and gorillas, and just about any other bigger then life creature you might want.
So sorry you got cock blocked.
I feel like that stress toy would give me stress. I need to feel like I can blink safely.
Do you think it was a coincidence that several people were “fighting over her” immediately after your blog post? I doubt it. You deserve a commission.
That’s pretty damn funny. Our local garden centre had a 40ft tall inflatable Santa in their car park a couple of years ago – I wanted to look around all the freezer cabinets in their food hall to find out if Zuul had been opened, but my other half stopped me.
Get the to Barberville, FL
I am sorry that Lindsay LoHen was absconded with (though now I want to make a joke about finding her with Lindsay LoHen LoJack).
Though if you didn’t buy Lindsay, and the lady who wanted to paint her black didn’t buy her… Who did, and what are they planning to do?
It’s awesome that you are supporting a local bookstore by signing books for them. I love that!
If there is a giant metal TRex out there I will fight you for it.
I REALLY hope that the next time you go to your PO box, there’s a little slip inside saying that you have a package that’s too big for the box — as in 6-1/2 feet too big! I’m pullin’ for ya!
Along those same lines, Victor really shouldn’t leave you alone. 😉
Did you ask how much she sold her for?
You NEED to meet the “turn left at the beautiful giant black cock” lady, she seems amazing. You two need to meet and it needs to be documented. I wish I could be a fly on the wall!
Can you please find the lady that wanted people to turn left at the big black cock. I want to move by her I need her as my neighbor. And for the millionth time I’m still upset you didn’t buy Beary Manilow 😪
Aw I’m sorry you weren’t able to get Lindsay Lohen and I guess we are overlooking the fact that she is a rooster anyway. If you come to our area there is a larger version in a town called Scottsville Virginia. You’ll need a truck and an alibi. 🙂
You are aware of http://www.sadtrombone.com, yes?
Hmmm”Anonymous | November 19, 2017 at 2:34 pm
So sorry you got cock blocked.”
I was so going to say that!
Sorry, but that is a rooster, so Russel Crow? You are way, way better at naming than I am 🙂
I am dying to know where this shop is. I just read my boyfriend this story and he wants to call the shop and order one! Hopefully it wouldn’t be a long trip, we’re in central Texas.
There is hope. Visit Canton, tx. We have all the giant metal creatures, dinosaurs included.
There is hope. Visit Canton TX. We have all the giant metal creatures, dinosaurs included.
Danged Weeping Angel is out of stock! Every retailer in the world probably wants you to mention something they sell.
As always you are excellent at naming things. More importantly I think we need to find the woman with the beautiful black cock idea.
“I see a chicken and I want to paint it black”
“No colors anymore I want it to turn black…”
(and I apologize if someone posted that I and just missed it because, multitasking)
You need to go to Oshkosh Wisconsin for your next vacation (yes, Oshkosh IS a real place, not just a goofy name for overalls). Right outside of town is the epic M Schettl Freight Sales flea market. Look here for just a few things they have randomly sitting outside. Always an adventure!
I could tell how upset you were by how many corrections you needed to make in your post (like dunk instead of drunk, among others). But I would have freaked out, too, on finding the golden chicken had disappeared. I told you to buy it, but you didn’t listen to me! Time is running out for you to get something spectacular before Victor comes home, so fingers crossed you can find something.
Maybe you’ll have to settle for Lindsey B(f)uckinghen. 😂
Wait, does the Weeping Angel stress toy cause stress or relieve stress? Because those bitches are terrifying and would cause anyone stress. They scare the crap out of me.
Oh, and I hope you get your giant golden cock. It’s magnificent!
Our neighbors have a ceramic t-Rex that’s about 5 feet tall. His name is Toodles and they dress him up for the holidays/seasons. He is a neighborhood icon.
Is it just me or is that a load of cock and bull on the table behind where the rooster was?
For someone who has never had any interest in owning stuffed dead things, I desperately need a lot of the stuff in your shop. Thank you for being equal to but slightly different than my weird.
I think you need to meet the woman that wanted a big black cock at the end of her lane…she sounds hilarious and friendworthy!
Jenny, I don’t suppose you could design a Rory ornament could you? It would be the perfect thing for my book club to fight over at our gift exchange. Pretty please?!?
If you did get Lindsay LoHen, you’d run the risk of someone stealing him to melt down the gold. Be happy.
On the one hand, I’m sorry you were not able to acquire Lindsay LoHen. On the other hand, I do like the cut of that other woman’s jib. So I’m torn.
While nothing could ever be better than “turn left at the beautiful giant black c0ck” or, for that matter, the name Lindsay LoHen, there does appear to be a giant black bull in the background.
Surely you could make something out of that.
And by “make something” I don’t necessarily mean “melt it down and recast it as a giant chicken” but, hey, that’s an option.
So, I’m taking this Digital Marketing class on Coursera, and they talked about this website that I have never heard of but am now OBSESSED with and thought you would totally like to know it exists: http://www.potatoparcel.com. You send people potatoes with message on them. I mean, it’s a POTATO. How freaking awesome is that?! I bought one with the birthday package to send to my Dad for his birthday. I’m going to send random potatoes to people that say things like, “You’re spudderific!” or “Mash me for a good time.”
There is a giant metal t-rex at a nursery (the plant kind, not the kid kind) near us. He’s surrounded bu a lot of giant metal friends. I’ll get a picture to share soon.
Well the weeping angel stress toy may be out of stock, but the weeping angel Tree Topper: https://www.amazon.com/Kurt-Adler-Weeping-Treetop-8-5-Inch/dp/B00S7ZG3YW/ref=pd_sbs_21_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=CGCHDHXEK4P7WFXBGHCE
Is still available (at the time I wrote this).
Fun fact. I dismembered a barbie doll a few years ago and made her into a weeping angel tree topper. She committed harey carey this summer from her perch on top of my book shelf and snapped off her wings. So it’s time to either repair, replace, or remake.
Here’s an orange T-Rex that used to reign over a Goofy Golf course in Jacksonville, FL. The miniature golf course is now gone but the dinosaur still reigns over the shopping center that sprang up around him. You might be able to work something out with the owner, maybe a couple of signed books? I know that’s a long way to go to get a T-Rex but you could probably get him to follow you home if you had enough lamb pitas to entice him. His name is Rex, but I am sure you can rename him to something more in your style. Something like Mr. T. Wrecks? He pities the fool that doesn’t take him home. Nah, nm, you do it.
I’m SURE Lindsey LoHen was bought by a tribe member… who didn’t name her nearly as well as you did, probably. I also think you DO need a “Big Beautiful Black Cock” at the end of your street. 😉
They have tons of metal chickens where i live in tryon, nc. No joke…tons. Needs some photos??? Emily m…
There are a ton of metal chickens in tryon ,nc where i live…need photos? Emily m
There are a ton of metal chickens where i live in tryon,nc. Want photos?? Emilym
There are plenty of big metal chickens in primary colors in tryon,nc…need photos?
Sorry my bad button stuck
Or my brain not sure
Oh great…i realize they will be coming for me now. No need for that location switch when you have my mouth!hello!
LOL! Too funny! I’m kind of bummed the chicken was gone. I was hoping to see it in your yard as a big surprise for Victor. I’m sure he would’ve grown to love it! 😉
I’m really sad you didn’t get it. It would’ve made a lovely couple with the big metal chicken you bought before. Pretty soon there could’ve been little metal chicks everywhere. An army of golden, metal chickens yelling “Knock-knock, motherf*cker!”
I am so glad I foubd your blog you are quickly becomming my spirit animal! Hahah and heres to hoping that you find a gian metal trex!!
I found a big meta T-rex on Facebook, but I couldn’t figure out how to share a link to it, so I just tagged The Bloggess in the comments. It’s in GA though…. Roadtrip!!
Looks like the owl that was perched on the branch above LoHen is gone too.
How great would it be if you came home and Lindsay LoHen was just… there.
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I would like to leave a link to my amazon list for my kids to possibly have something on Christmas this year. My husband has lost nearly half of his hours and he is about to be off for 2 weeks over Christmas. We have never not been able to get the kids at least something for each to open, but this year we really have nothing. I even told the 6 kids, ages 15, 12, 8(twins) and 4(twins), that there would not be presents and they said it’s ok mama, it will be ok. My 8 yr olds have been offering to give us their allowance, and it is really taking it’s toll emotionally on me. We live in America, I have made an amazon list noting each child’s name/age on items that they chose. We don’t really have or buy toys, but they all love crafts and reading. We don’t need coats or anything like that. We appreciate any help. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. Thank you for reading.