I don’t know how things work, part eleventy thousand

I bought a lipstick at the drugstore but when I got to the car to try it on I couldn’t  pull the lid off so I tried using my teeth but there were two guys sitting in a truck next to me and one of them was staring at me weirdly so I rolled down the window and explained, “I can’t open my lipstick,” and he was like, “Oh.  Want me to try?” and then I felt like I was breaking feminism by letting a man open lipstick for me but I also wanted lipstick so I let him try but then he couldn’t open it either and I yelled, “I GUESS THE PATRIARCHY CAN’T FIX EVERYTHING HUH?” (but only in my mind) and the guy was like, “I think this is busted.  You should go get another one” and then his friend got out of the car and was like, “Dude, what are you doing?” and he tried to explain and the other guy laughed at us and took the lipstick but he couldn’t pull the lid off either and then he was like, “DUDE, THIS SHIT’S BUSTED” and the other guy was like, “YEAH WE ALREADY KNOW THAT, KEVIN” and he rolled his eyes at me like:

…and then the cashier from the store walked out toward his car and the two guys yelled, “HEY DUDE, THIS LIPSTICK IS BROKEN” and the cashier looked baffled at being confronted by a parking-lot gang of angry makeup failures who’d been bested by lipstick, and the cashier was like, “May I?” and Kevin handed it to him and said, “Good luck, buddy” but then the guy easily opened it because it was apparently a screw top (?!) and he looked at us all like we were insane, and the two truck guys stared at each other for a hot second and then they started hooting and pointing at each other for being shown up by the cashier and then I took my lipstick back and drove away.

That was the longest run-on sentence I’ve written all day and all that to say, how many men does it take to unscrew a lipstick?

Three.  It takes three.

Unrelated:

I’m having a weird day, y’all.

136 thoughts on “I don’t know how things work, part eleventy thousand

Read comments below or add one.

  1. How does lipstick have a screw top without having it accidentally screw the actual lipstick up into the lid and hose it up? Or maybe that’s the clever marketing plan to keep you buying more…

  2. Classic! That’s exactly the thing I’d do. You know, try to vigorously clean that stain from the crotch of my pants while a woman in a van with her four kids watch me with the most intensely wrong facial expression I can make.

    It’s just coffee, guys! Coffee!!

    badparentingweb was recently nominated for a terribly official award, heralding his rise to intense stardom and, no doubt, some pretty bizarre sex tapes: https://badparentingweb.wordpress.com/2018/03/12/liebster-award-wtf/

  3. lol to the lipstick but the snake thing worries me, like was he really walking a snake or just catching it and it looked like he was walking it.

  4. Lipstick with a screwup is brilliant. How many times do you find your lipstick called at the bottom of your purse covered in crumbs and lint?

  5. I got an eye liner sample from ipsy last night. Could NOT get the cap off to save my life. It twists off, not pulls. Thankfully no one was around to see my struggle with the tiny eye liner sample except the cats. So you are FAR from alone. The whole time I was struggling I was like “THIS IS WHY I DON’T WEAR MAKEUP!!!”

  6. I’d burn that park to the ground honestly. Water moccasins are mean. They will CHASE YOU. ON WATER. That’s not okay.

  7. Yeah, been there, done that. More embarrassing, for me, was when I tried spraying nose spray into my nostril, but nothing would come out, so I got angry because it was a new bottle and why would it be broken, but then my husband took the cap off the top.

  8. You need a pet octopus, because they can unscrew jar lids, so maybe they can open your lipstick for you. 🙂 You could name it Kevin, and it would ALSO protect you from snakes on a leash.

  9. Just yesterday I threw my expensive highlighter against the wall because the damn thing wouldn’t open from the hinge side so why the fuck don’t they label which side is the hinge and which side is the-one-you-need-to-break-a-fingernail-under-to-actually-get-it-to-open side and anyway I really love that highlighter and so I apologized to it and I am also relieved to know that I am not the only person who tries my makeup in the parking lot.

  10. hahaha! I’ve done the same thing. I mean, how was I supposed to know?
    “Yea, we already know that, Kevin!” Should be a new catchphrase.

  11. Good thing now the damned lipstick cap won’t come off and f’up the inside of your purse or makeup bag. BTW – you are most awesome and I love run on sentences. Holds my attention!!

  12. I did not not know they make lipstick lids that require screwing now. I mean, isn’t lipstick supposed to work for us instead of the other way around? Lol!

    Ellie

  13. My daughter just asked me what I was laughing at…. I told her that I just want to spend a day with you because nothing interesting ever happens when I’m alone.

  14. That would be me. I would take the lipstick home, hand it to my husband without making eye contact. He would take the lipstick knowing exactly what the problem was, and silently unscrew it for me. Until the next time we argue and he’ll be all “yeah but at least I can unscrew a damn lipstick!”

  15. The universe does love to “screw” with us. 😉 But seriously, who ever heard of a screw top on lipstick? (Altho I grudgingly admit it’s a good idea, knowing how some lipsticks come apart in your purse and wreak havoc bouncing around the bottom, ruining not only the lipstick, but several bits and bobs in your purse—and the purse itself, if it’s a really miscreant lipstick.) I’m picturing the (probably) men that designed the case sitting around chuckling with their team members:
    “My wife spilled the wine the other night and now our carpet is ruined.”
    “Mine likes wine with a screw top… you know, the really classy stuff .”
    “Wait… wait… we should make this lipstick a screw top! Yeah! If they like wine that screws open, then why not lipstick?”
    Because wine-snob-lipstick-case-designing men, amiright? lol
    Then again, maybe it was a very sweet husband trying to solve his wife’s problem with lipsticks that run amok in the bottom of her purse. One can never tell true intentions with designers. 😀

  16. I’m crying this is so me in life. The freakin Duh Kevin is what I say to my boss all the time when he says the same thing I just said. Ps my boss has a great since of humor so it’s funny. Ps I need a pic of this lip stick.

  17. This is the best thing I’ve read today. Also, and somewhat randomly, mostly because the snake on a leash reminded me of this, the other day I was in my building lobby and I saw a gorgeous dog. I said, “Hey beautiful, how are you?” and the guy holding the leash said, “Really good NOW, thanks!” I was too embarrassed to tell him I was talking to the dog. I mean, I didn’t even see him there…

  18. Please tell us what brand of lipstick comes with a screw top. Enquiring minds want to know.

    (Revlon Colorstay Moisture Stain ~ Jenny)

  19. Kevin!! 😃😃I needed that. And on another note, did “dog walker” forewarn you that he had a deadly snake because I would have looked like a cartoon with the Roadrunner legs getting me outta there!!😁😁 #grammarnaziletsitslideforyou

  20. This is the best story!!! Thank you!!! Also now I need “I guess the patriarchy can’t fix everything, huh?” on a T-shirt. 🙂 Also, “We already know that, Kevin!”

  21. I’m happy that I wasn’t the only one excited to see Danny Trejo walking a snake. What a badass neighborhood that would be!

  22. <3 I love all of this. Except the water moccasin, obvs. Lipstick 3, parking lot gang 0.

  23. I may know how lipstick works but I’d kill for a pair of tweezers at this very moment. Sitting at my desk, tweezerless, with a freaking chin hair. HELP ME!!!

  24. My sister-in-law had a similar issue with an eyeliner. My other sister-in-law had to drive across town and open it for her because it was some kind of need-eyeliner-this-minute-emergency. At least you found two guys who were nice enough to try to help!

  25. You have the best stories. Also, I totally thought I saw you in my local Barnes and Noble and I was just about to lose my mind with excitement but then the guy not-you were with called not-you a different name. I considered that Victor might call you random names out in public, but Missouri’s a long way from Texas and you hadn’t mentioned you were traveling, so, yeah.

  26. It seems to me that ‘the Guys’ were running on IQ’s of between 65 and 90; what colour was the lip stick…screwed RED.

  27. I don’t know. I don’t bother with lipstick. Thank god. There are too many other things to worry about.

  28. “How many men does it take to unscrew a lipstick. Three. It takes three.” Still chuckling! Best laugh all day! Thanks!

  29. That picture is my worst nightmare in one shot. That is a SNAKE that can SWIM. There ain’t nothing on earth more evil than that right there 🤤 You are so brave Jenny! I’d have had to take that pic from the roof of my house (where i’d be living until someone moved that snake back to Australia or Hell – from whence it came 😂)

  30. Taekwondo kicked my ass today. This is exactly what I needed to come home and read. The number of men it takes to open a tube of lipstick might come up in conversation. I have the answer. Awesome. 😀

  31. If it takes that many men to open a tube of lipstick, I wonder how many it takes to apply it properly.

  32. I love that guys in Texas aren’t afraid to take on a tube of lipstick. But I am a little worried about the patriarchy – they need to up their game.

  33. I’ve never heard of a screw-off lipstick but that’s actually brilliant because I lose my caps all the time.

  34. That makes me think of a Laverne & Shirley episode. Laverne trying to force a key out of the lock, and Shirley steps up saying “You don’t force it…you pull it” and slides the key right out. I always loved that moment–and I loved this story. 😉

  35. I’ve never done anything that embarrassing!

    I’ve never taken a spray leave on conditioner back to the hairdresser and said it must be broken, only to have her pull the cap off and show me the spray nosel (sp?).
    On the bright side, I can hear hot air balloons so I’m going out to see them 🙂

  36. That guy’s pony tail looks like a king snake. I definitely would not go back there.

  37. I would have pretended I knew the whole time it was a screw cap and told them “I just wanted to see how long it would take you to figure out.” But only in my head because I don’t do well talking to strangers.

  38. WHAT?! Screw top lipstick!!! So I can carry it around with me and not have it come open in my bag and ruin all my shit?

  39. I’d give anything in the world (well, almost anything) to have neighbors like that guy instead of people with “Trump” stickers in their windows. (Oh, I want out of here sooooo bad…)

  40. Please tell me the name of the lipstick color somehow fits the theme of this post.

    Something like “Fuchsia Fuck-Up” or “Maroon, You Moron” but more clever.

  41. The guy with the snake looks just a bit too casual for my taste. He’s the sorta guy who says, “I can take my snake for a walk and the top off a lipstick all in one day.” Show off.

  42. I laughed out loud and startled the dogs. The packaging should have said it was a screw top. Who knew?

  43. Well, shows how little I know about makeup. I had no clue lipstick with screw-tops were a thing! And I guess you didn’t either. And the guys didn’t. So at least I’m not alone. (And I must say, I’m very glad it was you who came across that guy walking the angry venomous snake, because I have really poor impulse control when it comes to petting animals even if they are the deadly kind.)

  44. This was the first blog post I’ve ever read out loud to my husband and he was laughing as loud as i was. He asked if you were my twin sister.

  45. Well, now if you are in the park and approached by a venomous snake you can hurl your lipstick at it. I’m sure it will die trying to get the cap off.

  46. Well now we need to know what color lipstick you bought. Also: once, when I was a girl and selling Girl Scout cookies, we went to this house that had this steep driveway. We saw what we thought were a bunch of dogs at the top, but once we got there, it turns out it was a bunch of cats.

  47. Weird days happen, to all of us. But sometimes there’s a bright spot in there. Like today. I was working on lifting my own spirits. While driving over a bridge in Burbank, CA, I looked at a passing car and saw a big, smiling sticker of Rory in the car’s back window. I whooped and laughed and smiled so big it hurt. I’ll take all the bright spots I can get.

  48. Now I know what a water moccasin is because they way you talk about them I didn’t think it would be a slipper. The guy is catching it with a catching pole or relocating it.

  49. My personal favorite is when I get so pissed off I have already hacked my way into only to see the near invisible line/opening/latch etc I was suppose to have known was there all along to press to open the damn thing and it opens so simply too after that. As if to say, “whatever is your problem?”

  50. Hahahahaha . . . that is precious. Your writing made me visualize just what was happening. LOL.

  51. I wish someone would show that screw-cap to the nice people at M.A.C. who make such lovely shades of lipstick everyone wants to wear them- but who can’t design a cap that stays TF on the tube whilst in the makeup bag. I do not want to wear it smeared on my hand, Canadian color whizzes. I want to put it on without looking and overshoot my lip-line, like a normal person.

  52. hey Ms Lawson, did you recently receive a party-size bulging envelope with a drawing of James Garfield on the front?

    (I did and I loved it! Thank you! But I was a little overwhelmed so I put it on my pile of things I need to do stuff with. Sorry! ~ Jenny)

  53. I’ve read that lipstick sales shot up during WWII, as ladies used it for a quick pick-me-up. Guess it wasn’t needed at the Front.

  54. Same here! Tried the tester in the store, loved it, purchased it, when home and tried to open it. Husband tried too. I was ready to take it back and magically I twisted it and it opened. I feel much better knowing I wasn’t the only one! haha

  55. Guess we weren’t supposed to get this far with technology, we can always go back to the “just pull” sort of caps.

  56. Screwing lipsticks and someone taking their snake for a walk and no related jokes, you are having a weird day =)

  57. WHY are manufacturers always introducing unnecessary improvements to things??? I had the same issue with my lipstick. Although I didn’t involve the local parking lot gang in my problem. I mostly just cussed. But. There is a way that it has worked for 100 years. STOP SCREWING IT UP MAYBELLINE!!!

  58. Coffee out of my nose funny! But… I truly think it’s weird that I’m the only person who read “Three. It takes three.” and immediately thought of the wise old owl answering the question of how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

  59. Might be a strange day, but who puts a screw top on lipstick? Actually, I guess that is kinda cool. I wouldn’t be able to open it either though. Great story.
    Saw that post on Instagram. Did you burn the lake down? Lol

  60. Even while giggling uncontrollably at this, my heart was completely melted by random men attempting to help a lady with her lipstick. There is still goodness everywhere, if you know where to look. And appreciate it.

  61. As empaths and people who are looking to be treated with kindness in life, please consider giving snakes a break with all the negative talk. They have a hard enough time being hated on by unfeeling, conservative dingdongs, they don’t need bad press from people like you, Jenny, and your doting, lovely followers who are all trying to make the world a kinder place. I’m just going to put these links out there for your consideration. Thank you for being a friend of animals, even those who are not traditionally “cute.”

    http://www.livingalongsidewildlife.com/2013/03/are-cottonmouths-aggressive.html
    http://www.livingalongsidewildlife.com/search/label/Cottonmouth%20Myths

  62. I’ll add that the gentleman in the photo was using a snake stick, which allows him to handle the animal without it being able to strike him, hopefully to relocate it somewhere where it can be left to live it’s snake life in peace. 🙂

  63. “Moisture stain”? That’s supposed to be a good thing?

    (My name is Kevin, but not that Kevin.)

  64. I’ve never heard of screw-top lipstick. Then again, I haven’t bought lipstick in years.
    And, danger noodle bad.

  65. My daughter informs me that any lip STAIN must have a screw on cap, as it will stain anything it comes into contact with. Who knew?!
    BTW: I love you Jenny!!!

  66. Jenny that “tiny dog” is actually a “big NOPE.”

    Curly61, I wish that anything that potentially messy had such a precautionary rule, but I’ve had purses and backpacks ruined because they didn’t.

  67. I feel like you are my long lost soul sister…. I am often plagued by the same totally random and bizarre situations. Thank you for continuing to make me laugh.

  68. I’m a new subscriber–and already after one week feel sorry for myself that I missed these mind-clearing laughs for years. (See, this is how I mess up a good thing, a really good thing.) I might have been a much better human had I known of your work earlier. Uh, probably not. Never mind.

  69. You are (were) absolutely having a weird day. I do find it hard to believe that not one of you thought to attempt to unscrew the lipstick when the lid didn’t just slide off. Maybe that’s just me. Maybe I’ve already been bested by screw-top lids one too many times, and so I’ve finally learned. Or maybe I learned it back in my college theatre days, when our basic rule was, “if it doesn’t fit, Use a Bigger Hammer”TM

    … not that a Bigger Hammer would’ve helped much with a screw-top lipstick, but whatevs.

  70. @Anonymous:

    I LOVE LOKI!!

    That’s the title they were going to use except Desi was Cuban.

  71. I love you so much right now. I can’t open ANY prepackaged object without there being a major episode. It helps to know there are more of us in this already complex world we live in. Thanks for making my day. (I am also exceptionally not tech savvy. Any help you can give me along those lines would be wildly appreciated). I don’t even know how to automate my website, which makes sending any subscribers I might accidentally get anything. At. All. Not even a welcome letter.

  72. Well, you could look at it that way OR you could look at it like, hey there was a water moccasin in the park, but some snake handler was all over that venomous viper like Moccasin Dundee, so obviously that situation is totes under control.

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