I need a lot of pills.

So I saw this online and Hailey looked at it and said, “I’d take #9 three times because then I could use my billion dollars to get most of the other things” and I question her math skills but gave her points for creativity and I was like, “Wouldn’t you pick #6 so Ferris Mewler lives forever?” and she looked at Ferris and said, “WHO WANTS TO GET CLONED? You do, right, buddy? GIVE ME YOUR DNA AND LIVE FOREVER.”  It’s unsettling and also kind of impressive.

Personally I’d chose 1, 2 and 9 and one of the skills I’d master is making all of the other pills.

Your turn.


And on an entirely different subject…

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):


This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Kira Lynne’s Aches, Pains, and Love.  Are you living with chronic pain or illness, or both? Have you given up on having an intimate, romantic relationship? Kira Lynne’s new book reveals that you can have lasting love and companionship when you live with chronic pain and illness. Both entertaining and practical, Aches, Pains, and Love provides a step-by-step guide to getting the love you want, regardless of your physical condition. Available on Amazon and other outlets.

154 thoughts on “I need a lot of pills.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You and I chose the same thing, I just ate a bowl of cereal and a cupcake and I said to myself “I’ll definitely take #2 so as to not feel like a pile of shit after eating this for breakfast.”

  2. #3 & #9 twice!
    I already met my soul mate ♥.
    If I made $1000 a day then I wouldn’t have to work and I could use my spare time to master new skills &/or change things about my body.
    I DO NOT want to be famous – anonymity is great!!

  3. That was easy for me.
    #5, #6, and #9.
    But I would give up #9 in a heartbeat if I could have 5 and 6.

  4. 2, 5, and 9. Because then I don’t need 3 to stop my food addiction lol…

  5. This is fun! I’d choose #s 6…as we lost our sheltie, Sherlock, to the worst cancer for dogs (Hermangiocarcoma..sp?) last summer at the young age of 8. The same day we got the diagnosis we had to put him to sleep. We miss him terribly!!! So, I wish we didn’t have to go through that so he could still be here with us. (Also it happened 2 weeks after returning from our much needed vacation…wtf! Life sucks sometimes!!)
    And I’d choose #8 because I have some disturbing childhood memories I would like to erase forever from my memory…but I’d like to erase more than 2, but I’ll take 2; better than none.
    Then I’d choose # 9 as extra money is always good to have…that is for fun money not bills!

    By the way I love your books! I can truly relate, and I especially love the parts that make me laugh which I very much need!!

    When is your next book coming out? I’m looking forward to it!!

    Thanks for sharing and for the laughs!

  6. I’d take #5, but sadly, I am already married to not-my-soul-mate. For almost 33 years, not that it’s been any worse than for most (which sounds horrible, but I do know we aren’t each other’s soul mates, so there’s that disappointment). Then I’d need #9, because that would enable us to divorce, and I could run off and be wildly happy with my soul mate. I’d choose #1 because I’d like to become an artist, but I’d need training. The other skills I’d master? Not sure. Maybe being kinder to people would be one. I would have to discover what else I’d like to master, so I’d save that one…

  7. I’m with Hailey. I would pick #9 three times. $1,500 a day would afford me plenty of time and resources to accomplish anything else on that list I want (having my pet live as long as me would be cool, but I have issues about playing God with other living creature’s lives).

    I did the math for Hailey and at $1,500 a day, it would take 666,666.666 (continuing) days to earn a billion dollars. So, I think your daughter might have secretly been possessed by the devil? You might want to get that checked. (By the way, that’s nearly 2,000 years to earn a billion dollars at $1,500 a day. She could invest it in the stock market, though. That would probably give her a billion eventually.)

  8. Definitely, undoubtedly, unquestionably #2. I’ve had some health issues causing a major diet change over the past several months and I would do anything to get back to normal. I would probably choose #6, except it feels like some sort of dick-ish genie trick where both you and your pets end up dying immediately or something. So I’d probably go with 1 and 9. I figure if I’ve mastered 3 skills, 1 of them is probably marketable, and I wouldn’t really need #9, but I don’t have addictions, I’d rather learn to love my body the way it is (maybe that’s a skill to master?), I’ve already met my soulmate (or if I haven’t, I’d rather not complicate my marriage at this point), I have little desire to be famous, and I prefer to remember the things that make me who I am, even if they suck, so I’m sure I can find something to do with extra money. Unless the pet pill isn’t a trick. Could somebody else take it first to make sure? I’d rather have my kitties than all the money in the world.

  9. I’d take 2, 4 and 6..the rest I don’t care about because I’m a hippie and I don’t care if I have a lot of money and if I had memories erased then how would I learn from my mistakes?

  10. I’d pick 9 and 2. If I HAD to pick 3, my third would be 4 because I hate my feet. But with $500 a day, I could pay for them to look better!

  11. I also would pick 1, 2, and 9. Chose them before reading your choices. (Already have a soulmate, otherwise I would have chosen that one.)

  12. I’d take #1, #2 and #9. I’d master poledance, aerial hoop and motherhood because all three are kicking my ass right now and with the money I could afford circus equipment and to be a stay at home mom <3 Plus with #2 I could get off of this damn pcos diet which is making me extremely stabby!

  13. This game started out fun, but then I overthought it and now my heart is breaking for people who want #8.
    Probably because I’m one of you.

  14. 2,4, and 5. With 2 & 4, I can look better/feel better. Then what is life without finding my soulmate?! That’s my reasoning. Yeah, money would be nice. My fur babies living longer, yes..I’d like that. But physically better and who says my soulmate isn’t my fur baby?!


  15. I’m totally in your camp, 1, 2 and 9, but Lillian’s solidly in Hailey’s camp. She says she can do a lot with 9 x 3.

  16. #1, #2 and #9 – although I do like Hailey’s math a LOT. Also, I would trade #1 and #2 for 2 #4’s if I you could have completely NEW body parts – like, an entirely new spine which included all new discs and connected parts… But if it’s a scam and they were only going to give you old rundown parts, or one disc or something, then it wouldn’t be worth it and back to #1 and #2 I go.

  17. I’m with Hailey. I’ll take three of #9. You can’t buy happiness but you can rent it for a while!

  18. This one isn’t as much of a challenge. Pet lives as long as I do, I get $500 per day for life, AND I can eat without consequences. I can eat all the raw cookie dough I want, and NO SALMONELLA!

    Seriously. Who wouldn’t pick a life with no salmonella.

  19. I’d pick #4, #5, and #9. I’d change that flabby underarm skin that jiggles when I wave, I would really want to meet my soul mate if one really exists and ask them why it took them so long to find me, and just $500 a day is plenty of money to live a comfortable life. I already have a pet that will probably out live me and even though I love him, he can still get on my nerves sometimes.

  20. 1 and 9, only.

    1 for language and music skills, plus a draft pick to be named later. 9 because even though inflation will eventually chew it up, that’s plenty for baseline and indulgences with enough leftovers going to savings.

    Not 2. Negative feedback is necessary for a stable control loop.
    Not 3. Only mildly addicted to caffeine so not worth the bother.
    Not 4. Bilateral symmetry limits where this would be useful. The “of course a guy would choose that selection” is obviated imagining the discomfort of walking around with a fire hose.
    Not 5. Based on past experience, I wouldn’t be my soulmate’s soulmate.
    Not 6. Not without the clause “in good health.” Old pets are painful as they … I just can’t imagine … actually, I can imagine. so not 6.
    Not 7. Oh hell no. Life as an anonymous schmuck is so much simpler.
    Not 8. Sure, there are some things I wish I done differently or that had happened (or not happened) differently but in the end, memories are where we live and what makes us, us.

    Easy peasy!

  21. 1, 3, and 8. I almost chose 7, but then I thought about how awful being famous can sometimes be, and how famous people can’t really ever leave their house, and… wait a minute. I never really leave my house. But then I thought about changing my choices to 1, 2, and 3, but thought doesn’t 2 and 3 cancel each other out by default? And why do I need to make these choices on a Sunday, when I’m consuming coffee and food in amounts that are bad for my heart and blood pressure? Maybe I’ll go take an early bath with my new bath bombs – with some wine. It’s 5:00 somewhere…

  22. Pet lives as long as you do? Yeah, but it won’t be any easier to make to little sod swallow the damn pill.

  23. Sigh – but isn’t this just like one of those stories where getting what you want has unexpected consequences? #2 – Isn’t one of the consequences of eating that your body processes food for energy? So no matter what you eat, you lose the ability to process food to stay alive? #6 – You and your pet both die in a horrific accident the next day? Not to be a downer, but The Twilight Zone has ruined this . . . .

  24. This is sort of like getting three wishes from a Geni and using one to ask for three more wishes (or more pills).

  25. I’m going to say #4 if both thighs count as one body part,#6 if I can convince my girlfriend I need a purse dog, and #9 because some extra money would be nice.

  26. 2, 8, 9. I wonder how long it would take me to start complaining about something else once I got used to these ?

  27. I’d go #9 three times too. I’ve already met my soul mate and don’t have any major pets or addictions. Most of the fun of new skills is the process of getting them, and I’d be able to afford good teachers and personal trainers for the rest if I earned a half million dollars a year.

  28. Here is how my brain works, basically, I don’t trust any of these. My brain goes all monkey paw (you know, the wishes that turn bad) and assumes there is an evil twist for each pill. So for become famous I think you can become famous for something awful or horrible so no on that one. Pet lives as long as you do? The assumption is your pet gets extended life! But what if that actually means you get truncated life? Sucks if you own a gold fish… The $500 a day probably does not adjust for inflation and what good will it do if the pill also makes you wind up in jail? Haha that $500 a day is now useless! You see? You see? My brain can’t trust ANYTHING or even let me have fun fantasies. Meet my soulmate? Yeah, and it turns out they are a serial killing rapist on death row. Eat anything I want without consequences? Jaw broken in an accident or get tongue cancer and can’t taste anymore. The only one my brain can’t find fault with is pill one, master three skills. But I am sure there is some monkey paw way it would go wrong.

  29. You’re simply a genius…using one to get all! Before I read that 😂 I picked 4, 6 and 8.

  30. I wouldn’t pick any of them. All those “three wishes” stories end badly. Remember the monkey paw??

  31. I would pick 1, 3, and 9, but only if I could stop someone else’s addiction. It sucks loving an addict.

  32. I’d do two #6s and a #5 – but then again, I’m kind of getting to a point where I’m not caring about finding anybody, much less a soulmate. So I’m good with three #6s.

    I still miss my cat from 17 years ago. 🙁 She was awesome.

  33. I need a clarification. With #6, does the pet live longer? ’cause with something like a parrot, that could be an awful thing to do to the bird.

    I’d choose 1 twice, and 9 once, I think. And then learn to clone myself and my husband and the pets. And give Elon Musk a run for his money. Except I’d figure out a way to give the tech away for free to stop global warming. And then I’d need skills like Black Widow or Aria Stark to survive all the people who wanted to kill me for the above.

    And I’d write a program that automatically made the internet safe for everyone. People who try to manipulate rip off or hurt others would be outed immediately. The internet is for learning and communication. And your blog, of course.

  34. Delete the above if you can. Keyboard malfunction (seriously) and I’m not all surprised.
    Anyway, just #6. I’ve lost three pets in less than a month and it is too hard. This has been an extra crummy year and I’m having more than the usual amount of trouble coping.

  35. #1, 6, and 8.
    Hailey can’t write her memoirs soon enough for me, but I’m resigned to waiting until she’s 40 or so.
    Family memoirs written separately, are mesmerizingly good. Augusten Burroughs wrote “Running with Scissors” which was later bookended by his older brother, John Elder Robison’s own book, “Look Me In The Eye” on overcoming autism late in life.

  36. I’m transgender. I’ll take a #4 please!

    And I guess a #1 and #9 while I’m at it.

  37. #1, #2, and #5. If you can master a skill and find true love then the money will follow and you will become famous. And I like to eat. Also my cat is kind of a dick but I’d hate to see her die but I don’t want to live with her forever.

  38. 1, 8, 9. When I first saw the list I read it completely wrong. I read 1 master. 3 skills. I love Hailey’s creative thinking. Choosing 9 three times also seems wise.

  39. It depends on If #9 is before or after taxes. I would probably go 1 #2 and 2 #9s.

  40. As a vet student, my only thought with #6 is that I wouldn’t want my pet to end up suffering and just being unable to die but still aging way past when she should! Soooo because that’s all my mind can think of I’m gonna go with #4.
    And then #1 would help me get through vet school. So that one. And then yeah, probably #9.

  41. 2, 5, 9 although I suspect that my cats are my soulmates and I wonder if there would be a Twilight Zone sequel twisting HOW I earned the$500

  42. 2, 9, 6. I’m loving how #2 is showing up almost universally. Someone needs to invent a pill that turns all the great tasting food into something healthy after it’s eaten!

  43. Two #8s and a #9. I have a lot of memories I wish I could erase, but four is a good start. If I had $500 a day I could pay my bills and never have to leave the house.

  44. I would choose #1, #6 & #9. Your idea for mastering how to make all of the pills is a great idea! So, I’d take my soul mate and all my cats on a world wide trip musing the #9 money and many,many of the #6 pills so we could hand out free pills to anyone who wants or needs them! That is a fun dream!

  45. I was going to say 2, r & 9. But I realize if I do 2 and then two 9s, I’ll have enough money to pay for as many 4s as I want.

  46. 1, 4 and 9.

    I already met my soulmate so that’s good.
    Much as pets dying sucks I don’t think they’d want to live like 80 years and i’m worried it’ll be all evil genie and make them super old and decrepit and miserable.

    So i’d master like, sculpting, writing and linguistics so I could make the worlds in my brain come to life. And maybe I could make money off that too.
    9’s money would help pay for stuff I want on top of my writing/sculpting money
    and then i’d change whatever bit of me it is that causes my hormone disorder so I could actually live my life without all the health issues, the bloating, the pains from cysts and so on and could actually feel kinda healthy for once.
    Because cosmetic things I can just use money to fix, but fixing my actual endocrine system? that’s gonna need magic pills man.

  47. You do realize that “eat without consequences” means you starve to death, right? Because nourishment is a consequence of eating.

  48. I picked 2, 4, and 9. Eat without consequences, hell yeah! And $500 a day works out to just over half a million dollars every year. The body part I would change is to completely eradicate my hysterectomy scar, including all scar tissue. That shit gets painful sometimes, and I’ve had it almost 20 years – it’s definitely a body part.

  49. #1, #2, and #9 for sure. I almost said #7, but then I realised there are lots of shitty things you can be famous for and I don’t fancy being the first victim of a deranged serial killer, you know? Also I already have the best partner in the world so I’m good.

  50. I don’t trust these. I’m sure they’re like a monkey’s paw type thing. Your pet lives as long as you do, but they age normally so they live long enough to learn how to say “kill me” with every breath; you get $500 per day, but you have to go pick up the cheque and take it to be cashed at an actual bank EVERY DAY or it expires (I’m a little lazy); famous? probably obvious downsides; do I get to pick the three skills or are they randomly assigned? Oh yay! The ability to reach that deepest elusive booger way up there; your soulmate turns out to be your mom 😑. Maybe the first skill I should pick is how to be less skeptical and jaded about everything 😄

  51. 9,4,and 4 again. Which parts would depend on whether knees are one choice or 2.

  52. #5 would be either be totally useless or pretty awkward at this point in my marriage. I think I’d go for #2.

  53. I’d go for 3, 4 and 9. Dottie is amazing! The “nailed it” sort of reminds me of getting one of our shelter dogs to roll over. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hvKyNnDDhU

    My foster “mooses” go back tomorrow (I emailed you some updated pics) and up for adoption on Wednesday! Woo Hoo! 🙂

  54. 4, 5, and 9. The body part I change is my pancreas so that I’m not a T1 diabetic anymore.

  55. #4 If 1 body part means I can get all the extra fat sucked off my body.
    And 2 #9s please.
    I was almost going to #7 just bc it was my favorite color combo & I like making medical decisions based on colors but I’m pretty terrified of people & being in public so being famous would be terrifying unless of course I could be famous & be a recluse. I think that would be a fun way to be famous.

  56. 4, 4, 9 (I’m a trans* artist & writer, so that would solve problems of body and being broke XD).
    Pity there’s no “heal 1 health problem” pill tho. I mean, my health problems are hormon-based and fibro (which is not entirely clear WHAT is the cause afaik) so changing body part wouldn’t help for those…

  57. 1, 2, 9

    Master making all the pills. Master amazing parenting skills. Master curing all the world’s ills.
    Eat whatever I want bevause I’m a stress eater and just the thought of all the mastering in #1 is stressing me out now.
    $500 per day won’t make me a billionaire, but it would solve my financial difficulties and let me leave a tidy sum to the children who adore me because of my amazing parenting mastery.

  58. In this order, 9, 5, 1. The 9 would solve certain underemployment worries. 5 cause well 5. And 1 because that would help jobs, relationship, and life in general. Although I do like to learn things. 😀

  59. How does #4 work? Does a general body area count as a body part? Or do we have to be very specific? Hmmmmmmmm… Probably a 1, 2 and 9, but I’d totally exchange one of those for a 4 if I could exchange my bladder or vagina for ones that work. I agree with Pedes though, needs a heal health problems pill. Then I’d take two of those and a #9…. heal my CPPS and low back/SI stuff…. and then magically make money so even though I’m healed… I still don’t have to work and can spend that time doing all the things I can’t do because of health and all the things that make me happy (usually those are the same thing)

  60. I’d only erase 2 memories if one of them could be mine, and the other could be the same memory in another person.

  61. Pull number 2, please, and make it a triple.
    One for the consequence of no weight gain, one for the consequence of no intestinal over-binding or over-loosening, and one for the consequence of no hangover.

  62. AinOakPark life is too, too short to spend one more minute with a “not-my-soul-mate”.

  63. #9 for sure. Money makes the round go world or some shit…

    Then I would have to say #1 then #7 would follow because I would be famous for mastering the 3 skills.

    Hope I sense make.


  64. #6 three times, then both my parents could pick #6 three times and all our pets would be covered! ♥️

  65. If I had to choose just one, it would be #6. I love my dogs so much! If could choose a 2nd pill it would be #2.

  66. #1 Would cover both 2 and 3.
    #5 Nothing else needs to be said.
    #9 Covers #4

    #6 Is a lifetime commitment.
    #7 Who needs it with #9?
    #8 Hey, those two memories either made you who you are or they’re great fodder when you talk to your best friend.

  67. I picked the same as you – 1, 2, & 9. And, my skills would be accounting, parenting, and violin (to be better at my job, my home, & my free time). I would eat ALL the things and buy a BIG house with my extra income so I could take more foster kids (I only have room for two at a time right now). <3 Best. Life. Ever.

  68. For #2 I only want to eliminate negative consequences. Usually continued survival is a
    Consequence of eating so I’d like to keep that one.

  69. Well if you get to pick the three skills you master, you could use it to actually turn #9 into a billion (sorry to break it to Hailey but even #9×3 won’t give her a billion in her lifetime), which still allows you to pick #2. You’re using your choices more wisely. (Btw I would pick the same three)

  70. I always hate these ‘pick a magic pill’ things because I end up taking them way too seriously and spending way too much time thinking about what I’d do. While #4 would be awesome, I’ve struggled with eating disorders and fear that if I was able to change 1 body part it would just make me feel even worse about the rest of my body. I can immediately think of 2 memories I’d love to forget with #8, but then I wonder if not having those experiences in the back of my mind would change me in a way I wouldn’t want. I would never want #5 because I’m way too wary about relationships after my past experiences and I feel like knowing that someone was my soulmate would just put way too much pressure on the relationship. Given all the financial issues I’ve had through the years #9 sounds wonderful, but like with #8 I worry that it would change me in a way I wouldn’t want. Hmm. I guess I’d choose #6, because losing my last dog was so horrible and I really don’t want to ever lose my current one… And maybe #2, since I eat whatever I want anyways so it would be cool to not have to worry about all that heart disease and crap. And #3, could I use that one to stop myself from ever self-harming again? I’d like that.

    ….. See, I overthought it again.

  71. Here’s what I wrote elsewhere: #1 & #9. #7 doesn’t specify WHY I’d become famous, which is a bit worrisome. #2 concerns me, because being healthy is a consequence. #6 but WHICH pet? I couldn’t choose. Etc, etc, neurotic etc!! Now I’m worried about the unintended consequences of 1&9, too… I mean, do I get to PICK the three skills? And isn’t the ninth option begging for an unnaturally shortened life? SAY NO TO DRUGS, KIDS!!

  72. 1,2, and 9, although honestly, I’m not entirely sure what 3 skills I would like to master…who am I kidding: Organization, The ability to clean my house without getting overwhelmed and taking a nap instead, and Multitasking.

  73. I’d probably stick with #9.
    The pet one is kind of tempting but we recently lost our 19 year old cat (he went dead, he’s not under the fridge or anything) so my brain is assuming that while they pet lives as long as you do, it’s still aging normally and so after about 20 years, it’s still alive but miserable and basically fucked. That’s not as tempting.

  74. #1 for sure, and if you became super skilled at investing money, #9 would make it easier to obtain more money. With enough money you can almost obtain the rest. Therapy can help erase bad memories. I questioned the “consequences” of #2 because health and wellness and continuing to live are all consequences of eating and I’d hate to give that up. I figure a lot of money might help control the eating thing and of course, back to therapy for addiction management. #9 would also go a long way towards changing body parts and you wouldn’t be restricted to just one. You could become famous with a notable skill and enough money, so that takes care of #7. The pet issue is problematic unless you clone, and Barbara Streisand has enough money and did it, so maybe that is also a non-issue when you have #9. Finding your soul mate is not an easy one, even with money, so that would probably be the 3rd pill, unless a person has already found theirs, and then you could double up on #1 or #9 or go for #6—but then you need to hope that your pet doesn’t continue to age as you do or you’ll both be high maintenance at the same time. It would also be horrible if you have a grouchy pet.
    A long time ago we had a neurotic dog (and that diagnosis came from more than one vet) who kept digging her way out of our fenced yard despite all the things we did to attempt to keep her inside the fence. The last time she ran away we didn’t check with the dog pound to bail her out as we had done all the other times, we just figured if she wanted to leave us that badly we’d allow her to make that choice. She had a “Furever Family” but she obviously rejected us, we didn’t reject her. But I digress, lol. I could erase that bad memory if I had pill #8.

  75. I go for 1, 2, and 9, myself. Because with #9, I’ll have TIME for #1, and #2, well… YEAH.

  76. I chose 1, 2 and 9, as well, though I vacillated on being able to change one body part. Do I want good skin and no longer have psoriasis, or do I want good teeth, no grey hair, or a spine that isn’t fucked up? Decisions, decisions.

  77. I’m amazed at the number of 2s. People really do want to eat! Mine is 1,4 and 9. I’d give up 9 (I have a comfortable amount of money) for 5 except I’ve kind of given up on true love. What IS a soulmate, anyway; do they exist? So for 4 I’d change my alimentary canal (that’s one body part, right?) to one that’s not trying to kill me, and for 1 I’d choose writing, so all the novels I have in my head would turn out actually worth someone else’s time to read. (I don’t care about the other 2 skills. Marketing novels once they are written? Writing screenplays? Something to make the first skill actually produce a good result.) With 1 and 4 together, I might actually have enough time and ability to do some good with my lifelong ambition. On Twitter today, Kristen Bell retweeted Jon Winokur quoting Lin Manuel as saying “You have to live with the notion of, ‘If I don’t write this, no one’s going to write it. If I die, this idea dies with me.’ ” and this way mine would not die with me AND would be worth reading. And I’d have plenty of money, so I could give books away if I want (without having to be an actual generous person like Jenny is). I don’t have a pet. I need all my memories. None of the others appeal. Though, I guess once my alimentary canal was no longer trying to kill me, I might stop having trouble keeping weight ON, and 2 would become appealing again.

    Thanks for a fascinating game. It’s too bad those pills don’t exist. But I guess humans were not made to have magic. The mechanics of reality are what keep us striving.

  78. None of them said “Not wake up in pain EVERY goddamn day”…so… I guess I’ll take the money? Seriously? What dick didn’t think to put an end chronic illness pill on the fucking pill chart? IT’S WHAT WE ARE TAKING ALL THE PILLS FOR NOW DUMBASS!

  79. #1 (and my 3 skills would be guitar, djembe, ninja); #6 (Jed is pretty excited); #9 (I’d use the money to buy hotels in various parts of the world and turn them into resource living spaces for single mothers.)

  80. 1, 6, and 9. Easy.
    1 is difficult because I’d have to narrow it down to those three skills.
    6 because duh — but is it one pill per pet?
    9 felt selfish at first and then I realized that I could choose to be a good person and do nice things with those dollars.

  81. I would choose 1, 3, and 9. #3 I would give to my niece, because I love her.

  82. #1, #2, #9.
    I’m intolerant of yeast the way people are of gluten and have to follow a low acid diet for my bladder disease. I would like nothing more than to be able to eat bread again, a nice crusty baguette with salty butter.
    And some blueberries, and balsamic vinegar, and wash it all down with a pineapple amoretto sour.
    Because if I did that right now, sans magic pill, I would at the very least spend a few days in the bathroom in agony and at the most, end up with my insides perforating.
    And I need 500 dollars a day to purchase all the foods I’ve missed out on in the last 8 years of being yeast-free (you really wouldn’t believe how many foods have yeast on or in them).
    Then I could use my skill mastery to make the rest of the money I’d need to support myself and get famous and stuff. #1 use of it, master the art of selling myself to make a living off of my already existing talents.

  83. I’d pick 2, 6, & 9. I already have my soulmate, but getting old and fat really sucks. And I’ll need that money to keep all those animals in the manner to which they have become accustomed 🙂

  84. 1, 3, and 9, easy. 2 – Consequences also include nourishment, so that’s like a death sentence, though if you’re ready to leave this world, what a fabulously wonderfully awesome way to go; 4 – Don’t give enough fucks about this one to overcome the other three pills; 5 – Already did; 6 – I would given this one to the person from #5, but that would be 14 years too late; 7 – Hell. No. ; 8 – My two worst memories are also the most educational and formative, and in a sappy, personal-growth sense, I’d feel guilty, plus my mood meds pretty much mean I might forget them anyway, at least on alternating Tuesdays. 3 – Would be tough to decide which addition; 9 – How to describe this to the IRS would be a side issue, as “source of income” would be “took a pill” and that would bring the DEA down on my house with helicopters and drones, but whatever because that’s a nice income and I could maybe afford all my son’s high school bullshit; 1 – The skills would be difficult to choose, especially if one couldn’t be “become invisible at will” … probably they’d be figuring out how to save the bees and doing it, long-lasting hypnosis of politicians, and maybe becoming a rocket surgeon. Runners-up would be figuring out Hula-Hoops and the art of successfully persuading my son not to wear navy blue and black together.

  85. Some of these choices, like meet the soul mate, are trick ones. Maybe all of them. Like when the middle-aged couple are walking on the beach, and the man finds a bottle, and the genie pops out and gives him a wish, and he says, “Sorry honey, but I’ve always wanted to have a wife who’s thirty years younger than me so that’s my wish,” and the genie waves his hand and the man is now 90 years old.
    I’m good. Except for #9…

  86. Be wary of pill #2, a great consequence of eating is no longer being hungry. You could be signing up for permanent hangry

  87. #1 – one of my skills would be something very physical, maybe a martial art, which would help with fitness and the whole eating/body thing. I would like number 5 assuming said soulmate is actually available. And number 9 cause more money can be used to help pay for treatment of addictions or deal with memories one would want to erase. I don’t have pets so not an issue and I don’t want to be famous. But if I did maybe I could use one of my skills to do that?

  88. 2 and 9 for sure. I’m not sure about the third one. I thought 5 but then I overthought it and it says MEET not be with, not stay with. So that could be awful. So, probably 1. So, 1,2,9. Final Answer!

  89. these are all REALLY generous.
    1- ANY 3 skills??
    8- ANY 2 memories?
    9- this is self-explanatory. I live on 500 a month. for 500 a day I could have an amazing nest egg to do whatever I wanted.

  90. Wow. I picked the same three as you without even peeking. I KNEW we were secret BFFs…

  91. Crap. I just realized I got my math mixed up, and was calculating $1500/day to get that half million figure. Crap. $180k a year still ain’t bad though. So that, eat without consequences, and get rid of that pesky hysterectomy scar. Yup, all good…

  92. I was going to choose #6 because of course I don’t want my dog to die before I do, even though I know she will because she’s 11 now. Then I realized the catch was that I die when my dog dies and that could be any day now, instead of 30 years from now, which is what I had in my plan.

  93. 1, 6, and 9. But I’m not sure what 3 skills I’d pick. Jenny, other than making the other pills, what skills would you choose?

  94. 1, 2, and 9. I’m in a relationship that’s awesome enough that whether or not they’re my “soulmate” doesn’t matter, I can’t have pets because my home is too small, I have so many bad memories that two erasures wouldn’t even make a dent, my only addictions are caffeine and sugar and I’d rather die than give those up, and changing my body or being famous won’t be necessary with the rock-solid self-esteem I’ll have once I’m skilled as fuck and can afford to look amazing every day. But being an instant expert, never having to eat healthy again, and guilt-free retail therapy? PRICELESS.

  95. 4 and 6 but only if hair counts as a body part. All my life I’ve longed for long lovely locks, but instead I’m stuck with fine hair that won’t grow past my chin without looking wilt-y. I can’t decide on a third one–can I have “feels cool around strangers instead of weird and awkward”?

  96. I’d never choose any of them unless I could make my own conditions and/or ask enough questions to ensure the consequences are purely benevolent and would never hurt me or anyone/thing else. Assuming they’re all good, I would choose: (1) #5 – My husband is my soulmate, but he passed away last July and if I could be eternally happily reunited with him, I wouldn’t need anything else. Of course, I don’t know if that’s how any of this works. If I could have #5 but it wouldn’t kick in right away, in the meantime I’d choose (2) #9 – would keep some of this for fixing up my house, treating friends and family to experiences, but would give majority to various groups supporting voters’ rights, anti-hunger efforts, arts funding, etc., etc. (3) either #6 if my pets would remain healthy and active and not have a miserable existence waiting for me to pop off; if not, #1 and my skills would be fluency in Italian, empathy/compassion (don’t know if those are just traits rather than skills, but I think you can develop them, so I’m going to call them skills, and motivation (also maybe more of a trait but I’m saying skill) so I can put my new-found empathy/compassion into action.

  97. Easily 2, 6, and 9. Eating is becoming a bit of a problem, my dog is too adorable, and I’m an artist – I don’t actually make money.

  98. 1, 5, and 9. I figured I need to master some skills to ensure my soul mate stays impressed with me. Then I’ll use the money for us to take trips. A few of them could be the health spas to make up for all the less healthy food we eat.

  99. #1: Nope. I’m good at my job, no need for this. Anything new I’m learning, I’m learning for fun.
    #2: Yup! Because everything causes cancer. And diabetes. And cancerous diabetes.
    #3: Nope. I like my addictions.
    #4: Nope. I’d have to change a lot of parts to become overall healthy, or overall handsome.
    #5: Yup! I’m so introverted I’ll never find her otherwise.
    #6: Nope. I don’t have any pets.
    #7: Nope. Why would an introvert want fame? I already got the soulmate pill for the end result of fame.
    #8: Nope. Nothing to prevent other people from reminding me of them later. Or thinking I’ve reached underwear-as-a-hat-level crazy for not remembering something so obvious.
    #9: Nope. I make enough.

    So the 3rd choice is another pill #2. What fun is being able to eat and drink like Dorian Gray if my soulmate has to eat healthy all the time?

  100. 2 and 9 for sure, because if I could eat without consequences then I would definitely need more money to buy all the food I’d be eating…. and possibly #4 just to get rid of my belly fat before the ‘no consequences” kicked in 😉

  101. I will take 1, Do not need 2,3&4, already have 5, so can go without 6,7&8, could use 9 if only to give to those in need.

  102. 1, 5 and 9. Although I’d slut around a bit before taking pill number 5 (although I guess he’d understand cause he’s my soulmate d’uh)

  103. Hmm, I think 3, 6 & 9 – 3 would take care of eating issues so I wouldn’t need #2 🙂 #3 because I Love our Babygirl! and # 9 because duh, it’s $500/day .. lol My Husband would be #9×3 all the way …lol

  104. I would pick the same as you except I would swap pet lives as long as you do for mastering three skills because I am already pretty good at mastering skills, if not very modest. I do not want to live without my dogger if I don’t have to and what a cost savings to cremate us together and be done with it!
    Money is that necessary thing that while it does not bring you happiness, sure can smooth the way for it to come in the French doors. I have no addictions, am ok with my imperfect body, but want to eat what I want when I want instead of always having to be good, eat the vegetables I don’t really like and exercise. I don’t believe in soulmates, have no interest in becoming famous unless I can only do it for a day then have it be over because privacy, and I think your memories, even the bad ones, make you who you are, so would not erase any of those.

  105. I’d pick the same as you (1,2, and 9), but especially 2 because then I’d never have to worry about getting poisoned from eating the wrong mushroom in the forest or getting alcohol poisoning or hangovers EVER

  106. I think I would take 2, 4, & 9. I can’t choose 9 multiple times because that didn’t even occur to me till I read what Hailey said.

  107. I would choose #3 for my cigarette addiction, #5 for my soul mate, which, by the way, I keep finding the used and abusive rejects, and #9, of course because who wouldn’t want that? I would use the extra money to pay off all of my debts, save for when Im dead (for my kids to live off of) and to fulfill my wildest dreams (not sure what they all are, but it will be amazingly fun, exciting and relaxing!)!

  108. 2,6 and 4. I really wanted 9 but Having my dog to live forever would be amazing and save me from any heartache and sorrow, I want to eat anything without any consequences and I’d love to change my lower half of my body! I’d be fine without the money if I could have those!

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