I still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

Every few months I look at my analytics to see what bizarre search terms brought people to this blog and this time did not fail to baffle.

A quick sampling:

HOW TO SUCK A BLOATED NAVEL  (What.)

MY BELLY BUTTON FELL OUT  (No.)

NOISE INSIDE OF NAVEL  (Stop.)

DEEP BELLY BUTTON FINGER GIVES EXCITEMENT  (Hang on.  Are we still talking about a belly button?)

HOW TO MAKE A PAPER DOLL WITH BOOBS   (It’s probably easier if you use your hands.)

WHAT JOB DEPENDS ON PEOPLE LEAVING LITTER  (Are you just trying to justify littering?)

A SPECIAL THANK YOU TO A FRIEND WHO BURIED MY CAT  (They really should make a card for this.)

HOT AUNTIE LEGGINGS IMAGE  (I don’t know if this is a fetish or a typo.)

LEG SHOT GETTING OUT OF CAR (Like, with a camera or a bullet?)

DINNER PARTY FOR 14 ROAD KILL FOODS  (Please don’t.)

WTF KEVIN  (Indeed.  Get your shit together, Kevin.)

ARE CATS PRAYING TO GOD  (I don’t understand the question?)

WHAT DOESN’T IT MEAN WHEN A GIRL TELLS YOU THAT SHE IS SORRY FOR DISAPPOINTING YOU  (What doesn’t it mean?  Oh wait.  That’s what you asked.  Sorry.  I don’t know the answer.)

WHY DO THEY THROW THE FISH OUT OF THE SLEIGH IF HE CAN’T FLY?  (Weirdly, I know what you’re talking about and I asked the same question 8 years ago.)

WHAT ANIMAL LOOKS LIKE A SQUIRREL BUT IS BIGGER  (Is it a bigger squirrel?)

WHY ARE YOU NOT PICKING UP YOUR PHONE  (Why are you searching for this on the internet?)

HOW TO MAKE SOMEONE UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DIDN’T ANSWER YOUR PHONE  (Are these searches relate?)

CODE OF WATERMELON (I’m so confused.)

AM I KILLING ELVES  (Um…what?)

WHAT IF MY HAMSTERS NOT GAY (Respect your hamster’s choices.)

WAS OLIVE OYL A PROSTITUTE (Great.  Now I want to google this.  I have become the problem.)

KINDA PISSED ABOUT NOT BEING A UNICORN (OMG join the club.)

 

 

 

103 thoughts on “I still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Haha, when I look at mine it’s usually people wanting to know about how long to cook Coles chicken Kiev. Yours are much better Jenny.

  2. Not sure why this thing logged me out, but I said the perfect place thing, because this is totally the place for people who can’t be unicorns.

  3. …a little concerning that belly buttons, squirrels, & roadkill lead to your site…

  4. Seriously, you know Olive Oyl had no marketable skills. I mean, what did she do, anyway? I think Google is trying to blow this thing wide open. (Pun probably intended.)

  5. Stupidly spent the AM reading twitter. This belly-laugh was just the antidote I needed. THANK YOU, PAPER DOLL-MAKING BOOBS!!! 😂😂😂

  6. I don’t know, Jenny, are you killing elves? Or maybe the bigger squirrels are killing elves. And I am also pissed about not being a unicorn. Although given the surprising lack of enchanted forests, probably for the best.

    Thank you for making me laugh on what is turning out to be a sucky day.

  7. You should have your own line of greeting cards. Thank you to friend who buried your cat, lgbtq friendly hamster weddings, on your summer vagina etc

  8. I get most of them but the phone one – of all the places people are ending up trying to figure out why phones aren’t answered, they come here? Get your shit together people! This is clearly not one of the more pressing questions you should be asking yourself.

    Now, how two get your roadkill squirrel who is dressed in a cape to ride a unicorn to a phonebooth – if they can find one – that’s a pressing question.

  9. If you don’t follow the Code of the Watermelon, how can I continue to follow you?

    If you google “Blue water pee drug screen,” I am the first result. Out of 7.4 million. It’s going on my tombstone.

  10. Hi Jenny, I thought I’d give you how I got to your web-page……..
    “Weirdest Cat Names Ever”, here are the top ten
    1. Little Booty Ham Sandwich
    2. Dog The Cat
    3. Fifty Shades Of Graham
    4. Isaac Mewton
    5. Jabba The Butt
    6. Ninja Killer Nine Thousand
    7. Obi Wan Catnobi (my absolute favorite!)
    8. The Great Catsby
    9. Whiskerus Maximus
    10. Winston Purrchill
    Just thought I’d add to the Chaos!

  11. I 2nd Lostdotter- I would buy the crap out of the greeting cards. I discovered a random profanity laced card in my stuff from storage the other day, I don’t know where I got it, but I totally get why, it’s awesome.
    Also I’ve just googled Hot Auntie Leggings; I didn’t get far enough to find you in the search results, but I did find this gem. I’m not sure which I like better- the I’m the PsycHOTic Auntie leggings or the ones that say Breaking News I’m Going To Be An Auntie when you put your legs together. I think they are making certain assumptions about my thighs that I may not be able to live up to however.

    https://www.redbubble.com/shop/hot+auntie+leggings?ref=search_box

  12. AH! I can answer one thing! This from christmas-specials dot wikia dot com:
    SHE IS ONE OF US.

    The reason for Dolly being there was never explained in the special, leaving many watchers wondering why she was a Misfit, due to her normal-looking appearance. The special’s producer, Arthur Rankin Jr., said that her problem was in fact psychological, caused from being rejected/abandoned by her mistress and suffering depression from being unloved. The 2014 graphic novel The Island of Misfit Toys, written by Brendan Deneen, confirms this by showing that she used to belong to a girl named Sue (hence her describing herself as “a dolly for Sue” in the song “The Most Wonderful Day Of The Year”), but was accidentally left behind when Sue moved away.

  13. What is this code of watermelon you speak of?

    Thou shall respect the watermelon
    Thou shall not waste any watermelon
    Thou shall not blow up any watermelons
    Thou shall not use watermelon for playing the sports ball
    Thou shall watch in awe as watermelons are saved from destruction in Dirty Dancing
    Thou shall share the watermelon with all, humans and puppies and kitties alike.

  14. Hahaha!
    Everyone knows that cats don’t pray to God.
    (At least I thought everyone knew)
    Cats expect to everyone to pray to THEM!
    (at least mine do)

  15. Gratitude and thoughts abound
    For putting Kitty in the ground.

    Thank you for the care you gave
    When putting Kitty in her grave.

    I could totally be a greeting card writer.

  16. I can’t type this comment fast enough. I need to toss my filthy Olive Oyl question into Google. This is probably the best thing that’s happened to me all day. If I get the information I really want to hear, I’ll be working it into every conceivable conversation. If I’m disappointed, that’ll be very disappointing.

  17. Someone arrived on my recipe blog last week from searching “grinder for yard bird”. I’m not sure which I more stumped by… that anyone would search for that or that something on my blog was relevant to it.

  18. Most people come to my site looking for “weird things”.. most searched for items/topics…are weird things…hope they find some…

  19. for some reason all i want to do now is write a book, close my eyes and blindly pick the title of said book.

  20. When we cook meat on the grill and it has those grill lines on it, we call it ‘road kill’…but only around our family! Grew up in the country is my only excuse (well, and my sons loved the gross sound of it).

  21. Well, that’s it, then … the word is out about Kevin and Olive Oyl. I really wish people would mind their own business. They’re both adults. I think.

  22. Please tell me I’m not the only only one who sees vagina dentata and sings it to the tune of Hakuna Matata.

    (I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME. ~ Jenny)

  23. This entire list is like the world’s best writing prompts.

    I mean, I’ve got half of the Code of the Watermelon worked out in my head already.

  24. “ Am I killing elves? “ sounds like the lead question to some lawn gnome pesticide commercial and made me laugh so hard when I saw it. I can genuinely see a person asking this in all sincerity. Thank you Jenny, lol!

  25. Aw, Sherry beat me to the “Cats expect people to pray to them reply. (WTG, Sherry! :D) Oh, well, all I got now is: would Ambiguous Hamsters be a cool name for a rock group or what!

  26. I lost it at “respect your hamster’s choices”. I’m giggling like an idiot at work now.

  27. Cannot remember how I found you, but sure as fuck glad I did. Probably still here today because of it.

  28. I love the fact that people search for these crazy things. I love even more that you’ll be showing up in even more weird search results for writing this post! 😂

  29. I forgot to add: Ambiguous Hamster would also be a good choice for a ballot write-in. (If they asked for AH’s party affiliation, you’d only need to put “The HTF Could It Possibly Be Any Worse” Party.)

  30. Watermelon is code for lefty environmentalists: “Green on the outside, red on the inside”. Not sure why it brought them here though.

  31. So let me get this straight:
    Someone googled NOISE INSIDE MY NAVEL and got the bloggess?
    And the connection would be …?

  32. Here’s the thing you father could totally answer the road kill foods so that’s understandable and it was probably Kevin who asked so again understandable. Why don’t you already have a card for someone who burned a cat totally sounds like a card you would make. Also did you kill any elves or did any gay hamsters kill any elves. I’d also be disappointed if my hamster wasn’t gay. I’m just saying everything but the navel obsession sounds pretty much what we talk about on a daily basis

  33. Now I feel dumb because I don’t even know where to find that on my analytics. On a side note, I think if you’re hamster is not gay, it might be a good time to discuss your relationship and what your intentions are. Maybe you need to see other hamsters. Also, maybe your hamster belongs with the girl who disappointed you and maybe you both need to read the Code of Watermelon together. I don’t know…just spit-balling ideas here…

  34. Aw, Anonymous, don’t worry about us watermelons (lefty environmentalists); I promise we won’t hurt ya, sonny. (I can’t make any promises about laughter, though.)

  35. Does this sort of circle in on itself? People find you through these searches, you post the searches, more odd (cool) things get added to people searching odd (cool) things that will lead to your blog.

    Said poorly, but you get the idea. Hopefully. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t think this is a bad thing.

    [On a complete different note, my phone updated and now when I use swipe to type, it regularly picks “yippy” when I’m trying to type yippy (it just did it again… supposed to be “you”. I think my phone thinks I should celebrate things more often. ]

  36. About the friend helping to bury a cat… I could have sworn I once read something on here about Jenny and a friend having to re-bury a deceased dog. Google isn’t turning anything up and now I’m wondering what site/blog I actually read that on. (Also, sorry about putting dead dogs in your Google analytics.)

    (It’s in one of my books. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  37. I’m feeling really anxious that I seem to be the only one her obsessively concerned with the issue of ones belly button falling out! Is that a thing??????

  38. “WHAT JOB DEPENDS ON PEOPLE LEAVING LITTER (Are you just trying to justify littering?)”

    What if it’s a kitten that doesn’t want to leave it’s family?

  39. Actually, the reason the ending scene with the Misfit Toys is so weird is because it’s an afterthought.

    The first time the special aired, SANTA AND RUDOLPH DIDN’T GO TO THE ISLAND. Instead, that screentime was used explaining WTF Yukon Cornelius is doing when he licks his pick (he had been trying to strike a rich vein of peppermint). Children wrote letters complaining about Rudolph not keeping his promise to the Misfit Toys, so subsequent airings changed the ending to that obvious hack job that pushes the bird to what we can assume is a grisly death.

    Now you know.

  40. Well, if you’re playing D&D and your party is attacked by a bunch of evil elves, you might need to kill them….

  41. “. . . 10 seconds after the credits roll Santa is all “…oh. shit.”

    As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

  42. “code watermellon” is a nerdfighter term for having to leave a conversation/situation immediately for emergency potty time.

  43. I don’t know how you check your analytics but this is comedy gold right here. Also..if you haven’t watched “The Shape of Water” yet, watch it. I don’t even LIKE movies that are kind of porn-y, but this one made me just go “Awwww.”

  44. You should know you made me laugh so hard that I choked on my own uvula 😂 (That’s the hangy-down thingie in the back of my throat, just in case there is an evil autocorrect demon lurking inside the “submit comment” button.)

  45. I’d like to know several of those people but I confess I’d also be mining them for characters to write a script around. Doesn’t mean we wouldn’t shoot a couple games of pool first.

  46. My old blog had a few weird search terms:
    foot fetish, tentacle porn fanfic, sex egg, does Jared Leto hurt like Satan.
    Do I WANT to know if the latter is true? I’m going to see him in 2 weeks. YIKES!

  47. I am alternately proud and worried that I actually understand the conversations that happen in your house. You’re a funny bunch of mofos.

  48. I think some of the strange searches you have posted in the past have led to strange searches being linked to your blog and perpetuated the cycle.

  49. I found you in the library. The timing was perfect. Furiously Happy saved me. You are my hero.

  50. Wait….how does one look up their analytics?

    (Under WordPress Automattic there are analytics for search terms. ~ Jenny)

  51. I think the Olive Oyl thing is pretty tricky. But if we assume that Bluto is Barnacle Bill’s brother, that would explain it. She only likes sailor men. Not a sound business plan, with a willing customer right there, but there are specialists in every field…

  52. I want to be a unicorn with a cool belly button. Do you think it will be sparkly? Also, inny or outie? I can’t decide.

  53. Now I wanna be a unicorn, but with a sparkly belly button. Innie or outie what do you think? I can’t decide.

  54. THANK YOU JENNY. I needed a better ending to this day than fuming over Mr Asian Incel.

  55. Maybe they were sold as “cute furry elves” but they were really mogwai and then they got into water and were fed after midnight and turned into gremlins. I think it was all a miscommunication or just false advertisement. Makes perfect sense. Once you’re killing what you thought were elves because you have no other choice (it’s you or them), then, yeah, I could see asking Google wtf you’re killing. Was there a picture to go with the question ?

    By the way, what’s up with the link button? I’ve commented several times and everything’s right but it’s saying that my entry isn’t a valid URL?!!! Sigh. It’s always something!

    Great post, Jenny!

    Mona

  56. This reminds me of the time I was messaged by a documentary filmmaker, asking if I wanted to be part of an A&E documentary on Tourette Syndrome because I mentioned it once in a post. Unfortunately, my inherent love for swearing wasn’t a good enough qualifier for my participation.

  57. Another delightful post, thanks Jenny. Yes, cats are gods. Just ask them. As to Olive Oyl, she lived home with her parents and siblings.

  58. So I was at my library and was looking at random shit about some kid called huckleberry (weird isn’t it?) and I came across a book that had a taxidermied mouse on it, and I was just like MOVE OVER YALL I NEED THIS BOOK. I read through the entire thing. Then I found the blog. I have been a fan ever since.

  59. weird that the person trying to call and the person that they were trying to call both independently found your site. How did you find what searches brought them here? Wait.. first I need visitors.

  60. I think I have Googled « WTF Kevin » before, actually. There was a story making the rounds à while back about a guy whose mom was yelling at him at the pool about being homophobic. That was kind of the punchline. But…

  61. re: Olive Oyl…. Popeye was always saying “Well, blow me down”. I think the censors bleeped out the “there” part.

  62. I love these because they’re hilarious, and also because they remind me to check top search terms for my own blog, which are currently:

    chateauneuf du pape
    barcelona fire devils
    forensicating
    mmm logo in heart
    once upon a time there was a crow who wanted nothing more but to care for a pair of motherless children
    shape of water how did she get the scars
    scar

  63. Interesting and hilariously disturbing search terms. My analytics never seem to want to show me the search terms people use via Google because it’s against their policies. Still, I am so curious and wish I could see what people typed in…

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