I’ll take one in an extra large, please

My friend Elan shared this video and was like, “Y’all, we’ve been doing umbrellas wrong”…

…and I immediately agreed because I would wear this every damn time I leave the house because it’s like you’re wearing a personal fence that also happens to be a duck and a sneeze-guard and probably a great barbecue bib.  No one could sit next to me at the movies or stand too close in an elevator and probably I would avoid uncomfortable small talk because I assume normal people would avoid a grown woman wearing a 5 foot wide duck and abnormal people would be just be like, “Can I get that in blue?”

But then I looked it up and turns out that only toddlers get to enjoy their adorable  introversion which just seem unfair because toddlers already can scream at strangers who get too close to them and they don’t even get arrested for it, but when I want a duck-based, protective face petticoat I’m the weirdo.

PS.  Hang on.  I found an “adult version” but it’s basically just the child-sized one with the duck face removed.  FAIL ON ALL PARTS, RAIN DUCK MAKERS.

I appreciate the jaunty hip pose, but I’m pretty sure this is the opposite of “fierce” or “working it”.

PPS.  Hang on again.  I just remembered that Dorothy Barker fucking hates the rain and refuses to go out in it but maybe if I buy her the one for infants she’ll stop shitting on the floor whenever it’s drizzling.  SOLD.  Expect pictures soon…

81 replies. read them below or add one

  1. But won’t Dorothy have to walk on her hind legs for this to work???

    Liked by 2 people

  2. That’s pretty ducked up… DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I like the description on Amazon: UFO-shaped. That makes it even greater!

    Like

    Janet Coburn recently posted The Artist and the Art.

  4. Please, for the love of cheese, let us know when you find a grown-up size. I NEED THIS.

    Like

    Steph recently posted Hobbies Include: Reading to Mystery Animals in the Dark.

  5. Yep saw that on fb, so want one. I hate walking in rain and I HATE getting my feet and pants wet! So aside from being cute, it wouldn’t help me with the pants and feet portion. look forward to your pictures. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can’t wait for the pictures!

    Like

  7. I NEED the child one with a duck face in an adult 2XL.
    My dog needs one because when it rains my sucker of a husband will hold an umbrella over her head when she has to go out.

    Liked by 1 person

    Chrissy Woj recently posted Gonna take some time to do the things we never have.

  8. YES! Please post, as I will buy one for my pup if it works.

    Like

  9. I want this. So much better than using one hand to hold an umbrella! And with the added benefit of automatically guaranteeing personal space.
    But, the adult version isn’t nearly as wide proportionally as the kid version is. I want one that is wider. Surely there’s someone among us who is clever enough to create such a thing?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I want one for myself and my 3 children. Momma duck and her ducklings playing in the rain!! It would basically make my life…

    Liked by 4 people

  11. We need the ducks! Make a line of various animals! Cats, wolves, spiders, Rhinos, giraffes… it will be neat!

    Like

  12. You could modify the adult ones and put on your own duck face and start a new business. 😉

    Like

  13. I am on the edge of my seat Maybe the cats would wear one

    Like

  14. Dorothy Barker may need a few alterations, but it could double as a Halloween Costume for her. (She could go as Howard!)

    Like

  15. yeah, my mom was pretty upset too when she found out there were only child sizes. She doesn’t have people issues, she just thinks it looks fun.

    Like

  16. When you’re an adult, you’re responsible for making your own duck face.

    Like

    becomingcliche recently posted The Introverted Activist: Be the Light.

  17. If I saw an adult wearing this I’d take a picture and caption it life goals. If I saw you wearing I’d laugh uncontrollably.

    Like

  18. As soon as I saw this the other day, I knew I needed one for rainy mornings on front porch school drop-off duty. My colleagues quickly offered to buy one just to see me wear it. I’m so disappointed that you can only get tiny ones. Once again, adulthood sucks.

    Like

  19. I showed my husband the video and before I even told him the large size would fit me, he told me I couldn’t have one. He said he wouldn’t be seen in public with me. I said who cares…maybe I don’t want to be seen with HIM!!! ha!!

    I could totally wear the large size because I’m only 5’2″ tall….so I might just have to order one of these! But I need duck feet too…you know, to make the outfit complete!

    Like

    LadyPamelaRose recently posted Everybody’s Bill Of Rights.

  20. 21
    pastorsharon

    Yeah, the duck face is a must! Otherwise it would be weird and pointless.

    Like

  21. Or, just get her this, because it’s freakin cute https://pushpushi.com/products/pink-dog-raincoat

    Like

  22. I would wear it just to keep people from getting too damn close…

    Like

    The Hellion recently posted I Miss That….

  23. In the questions section of that amazon link the seller posted the following reply to if it has a duck face: “This product is yellow one, but without duck eyes. If you want the yellow one withe duck eyes with a beak, so we can customize to you, and you just need set an order and give us a message.
    Yes, we accept customized requires..”

    Liked by 2 people

  24. Ha! Too funny! I can just see you wearing this! LOL!

    Like

    Lisa Orchard recently posted Technology: Friend or Foe?.

  25. Somewhere there is a person using a hoola hoop to make their own. 😉

    Like

    Mamacita recently posted Me.

  26. Jenny, they make an umbrella attachment for dogs. You could get Dorothy Barker one. https://people.com/pets/dog-umbrellas-rainy-weather-pet-gear

    Like

  27. Pretty funny. But anytime I see the word “umbrella” I think of what the Russians said about the British @ WW2. And in Portland, Oregon where I am trying to live, you’re a sure mark if you carry. Gimme a wool hat and coat for rain. If it’s sun, I’ll bow in practical worship.

    Like

  28. I’m pretty sure that adults would wear one before that hip kid (or any hip kid of the same age) would. If he was not being paid however much he is being paid… I mean, look at his face. That is a “laugh and you’re doomed” face if I’ve ever seen one. You may have better luck with your dog.

    Like

  29. I would rather have it as a skirt, then I could have ducks swimming around my waistline

    Liked by 1 person

  30. 31
    Britt Pearson

    You can get an umbrella hat like my great aunt used to have my sister and I wear when we went to the flea markets! We were so embarrassed at the time but now, I’m thinking makes sense…
    https://www.windycitynovelties.com/umbrella-hat.html?rmsrc=1&rmatt=tsid:1049152|cid:1139699193|agid:55032887686|tid:pla-458280393279|crid:275291929676|nw:g|rnd:549536165829760481|dvc:c|adp:1o3|mt:|loc:9028820&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI1s_OtfLJ3AIVB7nACh04KAVSEAQYAyABEgLHZPD_BwE

    Liked by 1 person

  31. I kinda want one of those.

    Like

    mommatrek recently posted Wait..how does that work?.

  32. I need one in “school colors” so the parents that are trying to relive high school through their children don’t sit too close but yet I have “school spirit” and all that jazz. Is this where we help fund someone to make this happen – Like a grass-roots Shark Tank or whatever????

    Like

  33. I’m looking forward to the follow up! I also have rain shitters! 🤷🏻‍♀️

    Like

  34. I live in the Pacific NW, so this would get a LOT of use up here. Personally, I like making people feel a little uncomfortable on the elevator. Don’t stand so close to me, and don’t make small talk, I’m not good at it.
    As far as Dorothy Barker goes, have you seen these? Would she freak out if you took her out with this? https://www.chewy.com/lesypet-dog-umbrella-leash/dp/169379?msclkid=dbd361aa4546121a70123acaee1bd679&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Shopping-Product%20Targets-Hard%20Goods&utm_term=4584551172726342&utm_content=LesyPet

    Like

  35. I’m looking forward to seeing Dorothy Barker in full duck umbrella.

    Like

    Gaz recently posted Yummy Lummy Curry lamb neck and quinoa recipe.

  36. Just paint a duck face on the adult one, no one can stop you from being a duck

    Like

  37. Do they make them to look like sharks? I’d totally buy one of these if I could have a shark head!

    Liked by 1 person

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 201: Me and Jeffrey, My Author Interview.

  38. What a dirty trick to have them for kids but not adults. You could always just wear one of those fabulous inflatable T-Rex costumes – it would keep you dry, keep people away from you and also function as a sneeze guard. Might be tough to work as a BBQ bib, though…

    Like

  39. I sense a business opportunity here! You could make some that are super fun like ducks and whales and sharks and stuff, and then you could make some that look like those fancy hats Philip Treacy makes, only cheap and waterproof!

    Like

    Rowan recently posted Saggy Boobs and Anxiety Bombs – This Is My Life Now.

  40. I really like the idea of using an inflatable T rex costume as a raincoat. Good call, Pamela!

    Like

  41. I am so grateful for you. I’ve been having a really hard time lately, but every time I read one of your posts, you always make me laugh…even when you’re talking about something super serious and difficult. You are amazing. Thank you!!

    Like

  42. I’d actually prefer a unicorn head on mine, and I’m anticipating a lot of conversation being generated, so it’s good I’m mostly not an introvert.

    Like

  43. You are just a delight.

    Like

  44. 45
    A different jenny

    They already make dog umbrellas
    Pet Dog Umbrella With Leash –
    https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076Q7YBW6/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_U_x_N2myBbCB74B14

    Like

  45. Oh my my! I can’t wait to see Dorothy Barker in this! Ducky!

    Like

    D.S. Lucas recently posted Chasing Garbage Trucks: Getting rid of the Trash.

  46. I wish I could read the minds of fellow commuters as I giggle over your posts.

    Like

  47. I think we need to know how many times you had to correct “fuck” back to “duck” in this post.
    Because we all know which one your autocorrect would have assumed you meant.
    And we like you that way.

    Like

    OwnLessDoMore recently posted WheRVe we been? Our travels, 2nd quarter 2018.

  48. Must have boots too!

    Like

  49. You know, for an enterprising young woman such as yourself, there is a golden marketing opportunity here …. Adult sized duck umbrellas – and you could even branch out into other animals – frogs, swans (for really tall people), bison/buffalo for those of us who are large-ish and whom standard “one-size-fits-all” doesn’t even fit across our knee caps…..

    Like

  50. 51
    Wildrider51

    I wonder if that would fit our dog. He’s a bit (a lot) larger than Dorothy Barker, though. Still, he hates sprinklers with a white-hot passion and whenever we’re out in the rare Phoenix rain, he always looks at us like we’re torturing him for not turning off the giant sky sprinkler.

    I think that actually may be “working it” in Japan.

    Like

  51. 52
    crystakessler

    Run, Dorothy Barker! Run far! Run fast!

    Like

  52. 53
    Carol Anne Fusco

    Pictures soon! Please,please.

    Like

  53. I’m pretty sure you could alter the adult version to look like the toddler version with Duck Tape.

    Like

  54. Hula hoops and plastic sheeting- bam! You’re welcome

    Or better yet, duck tape some pool noodles together and plastic wrap!

    Like

  55. Two thoughts occurred immediately while reading this post: Are you currently unsupervised? Is Victory out of town?

    Like

  56. The model for the adult one has Resting Bitch Face, so maybe that’s your backup for the personal fence idea.

    Like

    Kat recently posted Going To Hell For Dummies – A Beginner’s Guide.

  57. I feel like this could be pretty easy to make, actually. I might try it.

    Like

    Adie // The Cupcake Witch recently posted If you’re not making magic, can you really call yourself a witch?.

  58. The duck one is for kids, yes, but it’s In Stock in Large, described thus: Large: Recommend 12-15 years, umbrella diameter 31.5″/ 80cm, Suit for height range 57″-65″/ 145-165cm, Head circumference 23.5″/ 60cm. That’s up to 5 foot 6 inches tall; I’d have guessed you were no taller than that. Fifteen years is full grown for most girls/women. For $9.50 including shipping (and you seem like the sort of person who might have Amazon Prime, so maybe no shipping), how can you resist seeing if it’ll fit? If it doesn’t fit you, maybe Hailey would model it?

    Like

  59. Don’t you know anyone who could paint a duck face on the grown-up version? Just a thought…

    Like

  60. I can’t wait for your videos and pics!

    Like

  61. Lol – Love how the tree or whatever it is behind her, makes it look like she has a ginormous ponytail!

    Like

    Mona Andrei (aka Moxie-Dude) recently posted My superpower is an uncanny ability to embarrass myself in public.

  62. If you did get one for Dorothy, I’d suggest adding little yellow rain booties. My cocker spaniel’s problem with rain wasn’t the stuff getting on her head & back — it was the stuff that got on her feet. I wish I’d gotten video of her mincing along shaking her foot on each step like it was a formal dance move.

    https://www.chewy.com/canada-pooch-yellow-wellies-dog/dp/165670

    Liked by 1 person

  63. By the way, here’s the one I need in adult size… perfect for the Hyperbole&aHalf fan!
    https://smile.amazon.com/Rainbrace-Raincoat-Carton-Waterproof-Outdoor/dp/B06WLP8QFH/ref=cts_ap_1_vtp

    Like

  64. lol My dog refuses to go out in the rain as well. I guess I better get one for him, too!

    Like

  65. I was going to say that you could paint your own duck face on before I say the replay about customizing. You still could – it would be fun and easy. Also, my smallest dog peed on my bedroom floor today. And we’d just been outside. Damn dogs.

    Like

  66. Hate to tell you but it will collect rain in a pond around your face and splash up at you. Sorry.

    Like

  67. Have u all not seen the dress that becomes a tent or a bed? Maybe that should be on ur bucket lists as well lol

    Like

  68. Great product! In addition to rain protection this also keeps me from chewing on my stitches!

    Like

  69. I saw this on Facebook and asked my partner if we could get the kids these an she said no. She’s not much fun sometimes.

    Like

  70. My dog would wear anything you put on him and I bet I could get at least one of my ferrets into one. Do they make ferret sized ones? Off to google

    Like

    Amanda recently posted Fucking Ferrets!!.

  71. 72
    Endymion Napping

    Wait, doesn’t everyone shit on the floor whenever it’s drizzling? Just me?

    Like

  72. My dog Maev had a raincoat. She was half Lab and half Corgi and she hated to get her paws wet. She would go potty outside though.

    She also had a winter coat and winter boots. (50 lb dog but those precious paws).

    What a tolerant girl she was. 😉

    Like

  73. I legitimately thought the tree branches behind her head were a really thick ponytail, and I was like, “Yeah, a hole on top of the rain duck kind of defeats the purpose.”

    I also thought her face had been Photoshopped onto a different rain duck model. The jury’s still out on that one.

    Like

    Thomas (MJ) recently posted Go, Methamphetamine Racer, Go!.

  74. We just got a scary-smart German Shepherd puppy and if we start now, we can train her to put this on by herself and go outside when it’s raining. Oh, wait, we have a pet door. So she’d get stuck and be all “why can’t I get through this door?” and piss the kitchen floor anyway. But what’s a few paper towels and some enzyme spray when compared to All The Cute? Pics, we need pics of Dorothy Barker!

    Like

    Lille recently posted no, no, no, not hats, you idiot.

  75. My dog also hates to go out in the rain. Do you think it would fit a 94 lb Great Pyrenees? Now that I think about it, though, I’m only 5 ft tall. Do you think it comes in plus sizes?

    Like

    Vicky recently posted Help me stop being stupid!.

  76. There’s always this. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B073PY2GS6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_p3ezBb3B03054
    And the last picture of it photoshopped on stock photos is golden.

    Like

  77. I just had to share this with someone… I just found out xanax can be used on cats! So I can give my ultra neurotic cat my xanax! It’s one quarter of my dose. Which seems weirdly high. But that means I can probably help my neurotic cat with vet approval and make him less crazy when he gets super crazy! Like being so scared he hides behind a toilet for hours. No one should have to hide behind a toilet. Ew.

    Like

  78. Jenny,love, thanks for posting this. I don’t know how DB would take to it, but it could be a life saver for those of us who use a walker or a wheelchair and are unfortunate enough to lack a third hand.

    Liked by 1 person

  79. I ordered my duck poncho in an XL the other day. Expected delivery, 2-3 weeks. I’m 5-9, which isn’t THAT much beyond the 175cm size for the XL. I do anticipate a problem when my nose itches, though.

    Like

  80. I’m still waiting for Dorothy Barker pictures…

    Like

    Elan "Schmutzie" Morgan 🖊 (@schmutzie) recently posted A Manitoban Goat and a Low-Grade Insult in the Language of My People.

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