This week Victor attempted to get me into gaming by buying an Oculus Go (a sort of stand-alone virtual reality goggle thing that you can play games on) and I have to admit that I was totally sucked in to all of the horror/mystery apps and promptly got lost in a bunch of VR haunted houses. This was very entertaining to my family who recorded me making an ass of myself and who refused to play any of the horror games, mainly because they seemed to consist of me screaming in terror, flailing and falling over furniture and crawling on the floor to escape things that didn’t exist and that you can’t get away from because that’s not how virtual reality works.
What I have learned from my short time in virtual reality is that I have way too strong of an imagination and that if I’m playing a game where I’m being attacked by giant spiders and you sneak up behind me and tickle my arm I will punch you right in the ear and you will deserve it.
This morning I woke up Victor because I was playing a zombie game in bed and he was like “What are you doing?” and I was like, “DON’T DISTRACT ME. I’M BEATING OFF A HORDE OF ZOMBIES AND I’M GOING FOR THE RECORD” and he was like, “Ew, phrasing” but I can’t be expected to catch double-entendres while I’m being attacked by the undead, Victor. Also, I was playing multi-player and the game paired me up with some guy in Russia and I couldn’t really understand what he was saying but he kept waving at me with his gun and I was like, “Wow, this guy is really friendly” so I kept waving back but turns out that he was waving to tell me to turn around and fight because I was being eaten by zombies and then I logged off immediately out of sheer mortification. Conclusion: I can’t even be cool in virtual reality, y’all.
And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- I keep getting asked about miniature giant metal chickens for your desk. They’re hidden away right here.
- There are matching Rory’s too.
- We’re all monsters
- Thanks, Cracked.
- This is awful and also I sort of wish I’d been there.
- Good company.
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58 thoughts on “Virtual reality is scarier than reality and I managed to mortify myself there just as much as real life.”
Read comments below or add one.
I still think people look silly with the goggle on and their arms flailing around while they skriek.
(I’m not sure about vertigo but I was surprised that this didn’t give me motion sickness like the VR from a decade ago did. Although the one where you explore the International Space Station did make me feel disoriented after an hour. I only play for an hour at a time now. ~ Jenny)
Those videos are gold. I think that you should design your own VR game with Rories, creepy dollhouses, cats, and Beyoncé.
Love the cat watching quietly from the safety of its bed.
The cat in the dog-bed looking on with COMPLETE LACK OF AMUSEMENT is my favorite part of this video!
Jenny – thought of you when I read about this: There is a new show beginning on PBS MASTERPIECE tonight called The Miniaturist. Description: See what happens when a teen bride’s new husband gives her an extraordinary wedding gift: a cabinet that is a miniature replica of their home—and seems to predict and unravel the future with unsettling precision.
Jenny, I would happily play with you, as I’m mightily intrigued by this thing and want to give it a go. 🤗
plays video screams are emitted by video Jenny
Husband downstairs “Um? I hope you still have all your fingers attached!”
Me: “Oh, it’s OK, it’s just Jenny having the extreme shit cared out of her by virtual horror”
P.S. Those VR things are scary. There’s one that’s a Batman in Arkham asylum that is really trippy.
I’m a total VR klutz too. My wife and I both have our own Oculus Rifts, and she keeps hitting her hand on the birdcage next to her desk, so she has no room to laugh when I trip over my chair. While I’m sitting in it…
I tried VR once and suffered an injury from continually grabbing a new arrow from my quiver. I don’t think you should have to see a physiotherapist for a video game. A psychotherapist… maybe.
Your cats! I think that it is Rolly who is trying to open a door for you.
I’d play if it the game was one that turned me loose in a meadow of dappled sun and shade where I could lay in the grass or stroll around listening to the birds singing. I’d have a picnic basket of noms that I could break pieces off of the bread or cheese and feed to the tiny creatures who came near. If I could make points for every animal or bird I could identify, or the fish in a nearby stream, I guess that would put the game component or multiplayer option into it. -Kindly make this game, Now I want it.
I kind of want to do this…if only to sort of torture my cat, Bella, who’s default mode is crying about everything. She’s like a 12 yr old emo girl..constantly crying about everything, even when she’s getting what she wants (like food. She literally will make this pathetic crying sound BETWEEN bites, the little weirdo.). I can also see my male, Tony, chasing me and going crazy while I stumble around like a sort of drunk person (although I’m the kind of drunk person who will fall over and then puke on your shoes. I’m not drunk NOW..but that’s what happens when I AM drunk. I fall over. And there’s LOTS of puking involved. It’s super not fun, which is why I don’t get drunk. Like..ever.)
Ferris: I’LL GO FOR HELP DAMN WHO CHANGED THE DOORKNOBS?
Hey, you deal with zombies however you need to! 😉 BTW, my glasses get all spotted if I cry, sneeze, or even blink, so there you have it.
No way am I ever goign to try that VR stuff – and your poor cat was trying so hard to get the door open. Might have succeeded if you hadn’t screamed!
Beating off zombies sounds like a great horror porn title…
This is why I can’t play VR. Or regular video games. But now I can’t stop giggling. Thanks for that!
I’m giving you cool points for the dress. Gorgeous fabric! I guess that also makes you totally
overdressed to be playing in a virtual horrorscape with giant spiders & zombies.
I did the VR thing once but the guy supervising it grabbed me so I wouldn’t wander off, and I thought something in the game grabbed me so I threw off the visor hysterically. It was fun.
Ok you shrieking and yelling “ what the farts!” Scared my cats. How thd helll are yours so calm? Although it looked like Ferris did plot to trip you. https://possumscatsthingsgnawingatme.wordpress.com/2018/09/08/leaping-bird/
Being cool in virtual reality is a lot harder than you might think! The best you can really aspire to is virtual cool, which is distinctly different from cool cool.
(They’re called Spiritiles. They’re made by Houston Llew. ~ Jenny)
Victor will be thankful for your zombie fighting skill when the zombie apocalypse comes. On the other hand, you kind of suck at it, so maybe not…..
I get carsick, so I’m not sure VR would be a good idea for me. On the other hand, learning to kill of zombies could be a useful skill!
I could barely get through watching YOU experience this. That’s how scared I was. I’m sticking with Pokemon Go. Making animated creatures faint in a VR gym is about as much terror as I can handle.
Where did you get that amazing zombie killing dress?
Well your cat may have been taking it in stride, but mine was highly concerned when you screamed and came running to me meowing the ‘what’s wrong ‘ meow.
I’m waiting for virtual sex. But then, who would ever leave the house?
That’s a really pretty dress.
This was hilarious and amazing. Thank you for posting.
My nine year old nephew took a course on VR this summer, and on the day of his last class, I had the honor of an early breakfast date with him, due to some scheduling issues. He was telling me about the course, and since he’s nine, I thought I would ask about one of his favorite subjects. “So, what’s it like to fart in VR, Anthony?” He paused, then fixed a look of utter disgust on me, and said, “It’s a FART, Aunt Stacey. It’s not like they gather around and cheer and give you the VR key to the city. It’s just a fart.” Lesson learned.
That was too funny…..umm, for us anyway!
I’m not sure which is my favorite part, the cats or you whispering so the digital images won’t hear you.
Gorgeous dress. At least you look beautiful getting terrified!
(You do use your phone account to buy games but I meant it was stand alone in that you don’t have to own a playstation or Xbox or other kind of gaming system. ~ Jenny)
Egads, hysterical…. and the cat is like “Um, can someone please just let me out the door, here? I’d really like to get away from whatever is causing Mom to act like a spaz. Hello? Anyone? Beuller?”
Also – I was thinking what awesome creepy music that was playing in the video… then realized it was my Spotify, which was still on since last night, playing Viking/Norse music. You might want to consider adding Wardruna / Corvus / Heilung music to your VR experience… it would be so much more atmospheric!
A dollhouse full of taxidermy rodents, each one handcrafted and given a sordid past. – made me think of you — not related to your virtual post, but wasn’t sure how else to tell you. 😉
(I want to go there. ~ Jenny)
I love the fact that your cat just takes your screams in stride 🙂
I would LOVE to do a VR haunted house. But vertigo would kick my butt right to the floor.
(It’s years old. I think I got it from Ross Dress-4-Less. ~ Jenny)
My dad did not stick a suction cup donald duck to his head 40 years ago to amuse me and then have to go to work the next day with a giant circle on his forehead. Nope. DID NOT HAPPEN.
1) My cats totally freaked out when they heard this 2) I have the same dress and it is awesome
You scared the shit out of my dogs when you screamed the first time. Thank you. It was hilarious, their faces! Then they went and barked at the front glass door because they were sure there was something to be concerned about, even if they didn’t know what it was, because of the scream. They did that under-the-breath “woof”ing thing.
I keep threatening to record my hubby on the rift (THE FULL 360 wired, WAY cooler!) and post a video of
“what my husband THINKS he looks like playing Occulus, vs what he REALLY looks like.
Which is usually SHOOTING ME!!
+POUTING* Mine doesn’t even reach sofa for the awesome watching movies aspect, let alone playing. JELLY
I can’t make myself watch past the first scream, but I love the art on the wall! That’s about my level of willingness to take in any kind of horror – even someone else’s. But…hey, did I mention the art on your wall??? 🙂
I just asked my husband for a Rory for my birthday and/or Christmas.
That was mad! It all looks terrifying but at the same time good fun. Love the reaction (or non-reaction) of your cat.
We just got VR at the academic library where I work. I enjoy watching patrons move around and flail their arms, but because we’re a library, we have to have “quiet” VR. So no zombie games for us, just surgery simulations and walks through enchanted woods.
My husband and I love playing “survival horror” video games–in that me “playing” means me watching him and saying things like “Shoot it! Shoot it! Oh…you died.” I’m too chicken to pick up the controller myself.
I don’t think I’d be able to do what you’re doing there without falling on the floor and crying.
Wait, pop sockets are 2017?? But I just found out about them and love them! Now of course, I want to try a Suc-It, lol
I have to leave this Twitter thread here because it made me laugh.
What does a person with an imperfect command of English call a Canadian goose?
Your screams freaked out my dog. 🙂
And, you know you have a giant penis on the back of your dress, right? (Just asking for a friend.)
Atlas Obscura just sent me a link to “Mice Manor” in Salem. It’s a dollhouse “peopled” with taxidermied mice acting out murder scenes. I wouldn’t be a good human if I didn’t make you aware of this.
Wonder if you’ve ever looked at the instagram of this kindred spirit of yours. When I first saw him it reminded my of your houses and rooms. https://www.instagram.com/ibuildsmallthings/?hl=en
So I asked for this for my birthday after reading this, and I am obsessed. Thank you for an amazing recommendation!!
Super late catching up with you but I HAVE to recommend Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice. It is an amazing game and might be an interesting thing to experience and get conversations going. (Check out the Wikipedia entry for Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice for more)
Iam on page 195. Can’t stop laughing or reading. I just started HAPPY pills at 55. Your book has brought me great ..Joy. Thank you.