I was just taking Dorothy Barker for a walk while checking Facebook and I got sucked in because everything in the news is terrible and I ran right into a low-hanging branch so hard I fell down and Dottie jumped on my stomach and looked at me like I was an idiot and a guy driving by stopped and was like, “Jesus, are you okay?” and I explained that I was fine and was just training my papillon to be a seeing eye dog and that she’d failed miserably (because I was too embarrassed to admit that a tree hit me because of the internet) and then I thought that maybe it was a sign from God that I should stop focusing on negative things but then I remembered that really it’s druids who speak through trees and if this is a sign it’s probably one telling me to become a witch and BURN THE WORLD DOWN so I came inside and told Victor that a tree just made me into a witch and that I need to learn more about arson and he told me to lay down because probably I have a concussion and a nap does sound good but you’re not supposed to sleep if you have a concussion so I’m pretty sure that Victor is trying to kill me and I told him I was totally onto him and I may have screamed “DESTROY THE PATRIARCHY! I SPEAK FOR THE TREES!” and then he was like, “You don’t have a concussion and you aren’t a witch. You just bumped your noggin and you need to get off Facebook” and he might be right but it’s just as likely that a tree made me a witch and that I now have secret powers, like the power to write an entire post in a single run-on sentence and Victor disagreed and said that lack of proper punctuation isn’t really a gift but I’m pretty sure he’s just jealous that an abusive tree made me magical.
Anyway, I’m going to go lay down now. If you’d like to join my secret coven of witches with questionable powers you are totally welcome.