I was just taking Dorothy Barker for a walk while checking Facebook and I got sucked in because everything in the news is terrible and I ran right into a low-hanging branch so hard I fell down and Dottie jumped on my stomach and looked at me like I was an idiot and a guy driving by stopped and was like, “Jesus, are you okay?” and I explained that I was fine and was just training my papillon to be a seeing eye dog and that she’d failed miserably (because I was too embarrassed to admit that a tree hit me because of the internet) and then I thought that maybe it was a sign from God that I should stop focusing on negative things but then I remembered that really it’s druids who speak through trees and if this is a sign it’s probably one telling me to become a witch and BURN THE WORLD DOWN so I came inside and told Victor that a tree just made me into a witch and that I need to learn more about arson and he told me to lay down because probably I have a concussion and a nap does sound good but you’re not supposed to sleep if you have a concussion so I’m pretty sure that Victor is trying to kill me and I told him I was totally onto him and I may have screamed “DESTROY THE PATRIARCHY! I SPEAK FOR THE TREES!” and then he was like, “You don’t have a concussion and you aren’t a witch. You just bumped your noggin and you need to get off Facebook” and he might be right but it’s just as likely that a tree made me a witch and that I now have secret powers, like the power to write an entire post in a single run-on sentence and Victor disagreed and said that lack of proper punctuation isn’t really a gift but I’m pretty sure he’s just jealous that an abusive tree made me magical.
Anyway, I’m going to go lay down now. If you’d like to join my secret coven of witches with questionable powers you are totally welcome.
401 thoughts on “The Coven of Witches with Questionable Powers. Applications being accepted now.”
Read comments below or add one.
I would like to apply.. My qualifications are as follows: fluent in sarcasm, excellent potioneer (if that mean I’m a good cook), mediocre broom driver.
I’m willing to join, as long as I don’t have to knock myself out on a tree to do it. I hurt myself enough without doing it on purpose. 🙂
Yes please. Sign me up!
If you all focus your powers on Washington D.C. about now millions of people would be forever in your debt. I also hope you feel better and that your head doesn’t hurt too much..
Hell yes! Can I have the power to talk to animals? I’m already friends with my neighborhood ravens. That and the useless ability to find the perfect descriptor for any color.
I’m pretty sure there’s a ghost in my laundry room, because the only other explanation for how I can fall down stairs I’m not trying to go down is that I’m a witch with the unfortunate power of falling down places I’m not trying to go.
I have the power to very slowly suck the life force out of plants… And also recall in minute detail how stupid I sounded that one time I met that guy in that movie.
Hell yes! Can I have the power to talk to animals? I’m already friends with my neighborhood ravens. That and the useless ability to find the perfect descriptor for any color.
I’ve always love witches! They are the epitome of Halloween to me 🙂
My questionable power involves me turning invisible to all around me when I speak/type/exist.
I am in awe of your greatness with stream of consciousness writing. And yes! Pick me I have many questionable powers and also feel like burning many things to the ground these days!
When shall we three meet again? I can do Tuesday.
I am SO IN. Let’s BURN THIS FUCKER DOWN.
I’m there. Have cauldron will travel.
I absolutely do!
Pick me! PICK ME!!!! I have matches and everything!
I’m in. A wasp stung me yesterday so that’s probably the extent of my powers.
Is there a secret handshake?😀
I WANT QUESTIONABLE TREE POWERS!!
Where can I join? I can bring the cookies. Cookies make everyting better. I also make a mean chocolate chip banana bread if you don’t like cookies.
I am totally the witch of magically appearing bruises, but only on myself. If that isn’t a questionable power I don’t know what is.
I have accidental grace. I almost drop things and then catch them as well as very nearly fall only to barely catch myself on a regular basis!
By questionable powers, do you mean sketchy or don’t work all the time? Or both?
I would absolutely love to join
My super power is guessing the correct time within 5 minutes. Not sure it’s enough to dismantle the patriarchy, but am willing to give it a shot.
I’m a novice witch (like kindergarten level). I would like to join, because my powers are questionable at best.
I fell down yesterday because of the internet as well. Welcome to the awful club.
Oh, indeedy-weedy, I’m in! Merry meet and blessed be!
I’ll bring the midnight margaritas!
BURN IT TO THE GROUND! I believe I have found my people. Hard yes on joining your coven
(I LOVE that book. ~ Jenny)
You ALWAYS make me laugh out loud, except the occasional post that tears my heart in two. I love you Bloggess
I’m already a witch so I’m definitely jumping on this extraordinarily roomy broomstick.
Ok, alright you now witchy woman, yes, get off Facebook. But only if you promise to come back to us. Will you remember to if indeed you are concussed? We can’t trust Victor to lead you back now, obvs.
Yes. Sign me up.
I’m in. I can see the future but only in dreams and I only remember that I dreamed about something after it happens. But that’s a power, right? Oh and I’m really good with languages. 😛
Count me in.
Sign me up, witch! I think my main power is being able to judge what container leftovers will fit in. And I have the ability to look super pissed off even when I’m not.
I’m in! We need a blood oath…NO! To icky and prone to cause infections. Okay, we trim our toenails as a group. Yes! That is perfect. We can burn them! No, too stinky. Do not ask how I have this knowledge. Send them to D.C.! Perfect. We can make a political statement about trees, and witches, and proper grooming habits.
Crap! Then they will have a piece of us to do with what they will. Scratch this whole idea. I am not responsible for what I type today.
Maybe we can all just eat a cupcake.
I would love to join. What do I need to do? My superpower is battling and losing at schizoaffective disorder at the most inappropriate times. Maybe that’s not a supower power at all, because I fail most of the time. I’ll just see myself out.
YES PLEASE. I CAN MAKE US HATS AND I KNOW HOW TO LIGHT MATCHES.
I’m in. But at in my first attempt to reply, I wrote “I’m ni”, which I am pretty sure is Monty Python trying to make an appearance in my brain today.
Sounds good to me! Except for the hitting my head part. :-/
I’m in. My power is the ability to find whatever my son and husband cannot find on their own in our house. Which really, isn’t a SUPER power since they literally can’t find anything even when it is in front of them. My real super power is that I don’t light things on fire with my mind when they say they can’t find something.
Yes, I would love to start a coven with you Jenny. It sounds like tons of fun, and all the mere mortals need to watch out because we have tree powers now. So when is our first meeting? Let me know so I can block that day for “Important Witch Coven Meeting” and ask for the day at work. Because you know, it’s a coven meeting! I really think you need to get your own sitcom, it would be hilarious!
I’m already a witch so I’m totally hopping on this very spacious broomstick
I was surrounded by bees today and didn’t panic which I’m pretty sure is a goddamn superpower or at least something I’ve surely never managed before. It may have been because I was alone with my two year-old and needed to be the grown up. Still. those mf’ers are terrifying and I totally pretended they were just fine as long as we don’t touch them and she bought it. So I’m feeling a little witchy myself.
The incredibly awesome bonus of having your books on Audible? I totally heard you saying all this as I read it.
Oh! And welcome to the tree initiated! They’ll also drop shit on you to get your attention.
I would like to apply … i have a reborn demon baby with horns, i wear black all of the time and I love trees. Oh and i own 4 black dogs. Im sure that makes me witch like. I also have some sage.
Sounds like me, so totally in!
I want in too! I’m great and falling down! Even without trees!
Can I join too? My power is the capability to use my magic wands to turn string into Useful Objects (I can knit)
Count me in. I can drink up to three cups of coffee without getting jitters.
I’ve been unknowingly waiting for this moment my entire life.
I’m pretty sure I’m already a rain god, so that might disqualify me.
I’m in. According to my friends I have the power to teleport because I always arrive before they do even when they leave first (or I could just have a lead foot but where’s the magic in that?).
You were always a witch, my dear. The tree just reminded you.
I am in too!
In. I am very good at the claw machine. It’s my only talent in life. Does that count as a questionable power?
I am already a witch. I was in the parking lot at the farm market and a guy with Massachusetts plates (I’m in FL) tore through the lot at about 55, nearly clipped me with his rearview mirror and then screamed “Witch!!” out the window. And I figure if anyone would know a Witch when they saw one it would be a guy from Mass. So I must be a witch… at least I think he said witch. Maybe.
I have the power to get leaves in my hair without realizing it. Pretty sure that’s a Druid superpower passed down from my Welsh ancestors.
I am cackling in the break room at work so I think I’m automatically in!
Glad you’ve joined the club!
I’m in!!! I’d prefer not to have to run into a tree though so let’s not make that part of the I initiation.
I have been known to be a witch –> but they usually spell it with a capital B.
I thought we were ALREADY in your coven. By whatever name or iteration it is going by at any time. Sort of like The Doctor’s companion is still the companion even after regeneration.
I’m in! My special power is finding dog poo in the dark with my bare feet.
I am totally in.
I’m in. This week has royally and completely sucked and I haven’t killed, stabbed or even yelled at anyone.
I’m definitely in!
Yes, let’s all become witches and stop the madness that is now American Politics. You can’t hide from that shit anymore and it’s the most depressing thing I’ve ever encountered. You can’t hide, you can’t stop watching, it’s a complete train wreck.
Already a member. Gald to have you with us.
This is the invitation for which I have been waiting my entire life!
Well, I’m already in a coven for witches with no power whatsoever. Do you think it would be a conflict of interest to join your coven as well?
I’m in. And could not love this more.
I wish this had an edit function.
I’m normally a solitary witch, but I’ll join your coven because it sounds like there may be setting of things on fire and that totally sounds like it would be up my alley.
I will join but I am going to need a more low key witches hat. That one has too much flair.
Do I have to get hit by a tree first? Also, I think my son is already a member because he broke his wrist falling out of a tree a few years ago.
Wasn’t sure how to get you this info except here. Not a witch, but right up your alley. Thought of you the minute I read it.
Instead of an Elf on the Shelf in December, I’m doing a Doll in the Hall in October. Basically, you take a creepy Annabel porcelain doll that your kids already believe is haunted and keep secretly moving it around the house. For an extra festive touch, I put the doll right in bed with one of the kids whenever they throw it in the trash. It’s Day 5 and they want to move. #dollinthehall
I love you Jenny, but I’m a guy which I think disqualifies me, so I can’t join your coven. My superpower is to drop things that miraculously don’t break! Then I screw it up by dropping the thing again, and it then crumbles like a week-old cookie.. And please, it’s “lie” down, not lay down.
Technically I think I’m already in because I ran into a door pretty hard Friday night in my half awake state and while it didn’t knock me to the ground, it left a bruise and bump from the top of my forehead to my eyebrow and since a door is made of wood (theoretically anyway) and is basically a tree, I think this counts. Although my magical powers haven’t shown themselves yet so do you know how long it’s supposed to take? I’m going to be really bummed if it wasn’t a full induction because I didn’t fall down and I have to go through that again because my face still hurts…..
I’m in and you definitely have super powers given to you by a tree to defeat the patriarchy. I will both help you and defend your truth from all the naysayers!
If I wasn’t in before, I definitely am now.
I have cats. And I talk to them. Can I join?
Pick me, pick me!
I would like to join your coven. I manage a houseful of men and animals. I only have a female cat to even the score on a daily basis. She is mostly black so I have already ticked that box. Also, because of my in-house herd, I am often seen with a broom. Wait, I actually have a witch’s hat in my closet, too. When did I become a witch?
You are, indeed, a witch. It takes magical powers to write a good post in a single run-on sentence.
Sign me up! I do so love a fire and everyone is so flammable.
I’m in! I have the ability to feel even the smallest crumb in the bed, and also the unfortunate ability to somehow manifest bed crumbs without eating in bed.
I’m In! I was also recently attacked by plant life (a blackberry bush poked me in the eye, scratching my cornea). Just this morning I was wondering if there was some sort of spell I could cast to make this madness stop, I couldn’t think of one. But with all these people thinking the same thing, maybe some sanity will prevail. Until then, I am also limiting my social media exposure for health reasons, news updates are stressful enough.
where do I sign?
Is spur-of-the-moment excuse-making an acceptable questionable power? Because I have that. Plus also I always wanted to be in a coven except if I can’t make it that day for the meeting because reasons.
Yes. I’m in. Totally in favor of using our supernatural powers to burn the f’n patriarchy to the ground. sigh.
I can walk and read at the same time, so that’s my power. So I am totally in! \○/!!
I am in. My female powers are growing by leaps and bounds.
This witch would love to join if I may let’s rule this world together
I’m totally in.
I already have a broomstick to ride!
If we can dance naked under a full moon I’m in.
This was a little late for me!! I was just out walking my dog and a man came out of nowhere and scared me enough to make me scream. If only I could have had the chance to magic a tree at him. So, yes, I will do it for NEXT TIME.
I’m definitely in. Up for it, down with it, beside myself. I’m great with prepositions. And I’m the Queen Of Sarcasm. Trees seem to like me, so I can help lead you around.
well….if it’s anything questionable, I’m all in 100%. I already possess the power to be the biggest klutz in the universe and can type a run on sentence like a boss. except today. Did you know it’s World Smile Day? I have to wear a bright red t-shirt 👕to work affirming this vety thing and then spend the evening perfecting my resting grinch face. I will only smile if they tip me. Then I will dazzle them and leave them believing a somewhat questionable witch waited on their undeserving asses. Btw, please don’t take up arsonry??? is that a word, anyways I don’t think prison jumpsuits look good on witches 😱😍
I’m in! I hit my head on a tree when I was 10. Dented the tree. We went back to visit it years later and the tree was still growing, just crooked.
An, yes, it does make you a witch. Welcome to the club – I mean coven.
Sign me up! I vote against concussions being a requirement to join though. I’ve already had two and they get worse the more you have. My questionable power is to always have medical labwork results say that I’m perfectly normal.
Is it weird that everyone I meet tries to adamantly reassure me that I am not normal? Or is that normal too? I’m confused (which might be a side effect of the concussion).
I would like to submit my application. I have the power to dramatically thwart any forward progress in my life, usually with some medical crisis or motor vehicle catastrophe (often at the same time). I can also overthink any situation down to the smallest detail and conversations with multiple results, usually negative. I can talk myself out of anything before I have even considered whether I even want to do it.
DESTROY THE PATRIARCHY! I SPEAK FOR THE TREES!
I’m in. I have mad research skills, know lots of useless info, can read books in a single sitting(except Harry Potter cause bathroom breaks) and grow tomatoes in a pot.
Ooo, ooo, pick me!
I bumped into a tree branch while I was putting up a bird feeder, and the cut off part of the branch stratched my forehead. It wasn’t serious, but I’m pretty sure that makes me a druid. And I was refilling a bird feeder, so that was all natury and stuff.
I’m so in! After this week I’m pretty sure we all need to set the world on fire! 🧙🏼♀️
I join on 2 conditions: 1) we meet in person only for arson purposes, and 2) hats are not required. They’re so much work to keep them on your head.
I was expecting some sort of joke about low hanging fruit and the internet. But I guess that would have been too easy.
Questionable Coventry sounds good to me.
Excellent. My power is being able to perfectly catch an object that I have just accidentally dropped or knocked over. It’s like my clumsiness activates some sort of cat-like reflexes I only have in these situations.
I am so on board for all of this.
WHAT TIME DO WE STORM THE BASTILLE???
Sign me up, please!
I would love to join! I’m all for burning down the patriarchy or whatever needs burning. Not sure of any specia powers but my snarkiness is off the charts and I do believe that means something!
Me please. And I disagree with Victor. If the ability to communicate without proper punctuation isn’t really a gift, I don’t know what is.
e.e. cummings agrees with me. Maybe he’s a warlock.
I edit for a living and was so captivated by your story that I didn’t even notice there wasn’t any punctuation until you mentioned it at the end. Your writing IS magic!
Also, “DESTROY THE PATRIARCHY! I SPEAK FOR THE TREES!” is my new life motto.
I hope your head feels better!
. Yes please.
Count me in! My powers include self-deprecation and knowing exactly when baked goods will be ready to come out of the oven without using a timer. I also have arthritis in my middle finger (even though I’m “only” 40), which I like to think is from flipping people off too much.
I’m 70 years old and still not dead. I’m in.
I’m a questionable witch with no powers at all, so that probably makes me something else altogether.
So I have the ability to parallel park any vehicle perfectly on the first try. These days parallel parking is kinda going the way of the dinosaur and the soda shoppe, but I’m pretty sure it’s because the parallel parking demons saw me coming and knew they couldn’t stand against me, so they possessed all the city managers and made them get rid of parallel parking.
I have (moderate) weather control abilities. I can (usually) make rain go away, especially if I have been invited to an outdoor event. I can’t guarantee sunshine, or it might get stupidly hot because there is just too much sunshine, but that’s beyond my skillset. Rain vs no rain. Unless the rain is VERY determined and can’t be discouraged away from where I am. Then it’s just going to rain, sorry. And I can only control it where I am, not long-distance. However, I am pretty sure I nearly caused a drought one summer when I was in high school, so I have learned to use my powers responsibly.
I’m a witch!
No time to read all the replies but are you sure it wasnt one of the angry trees from the Wizard of Oz? Or like, an actual Ent from LOTR? Just exploring other options……
I am so with you. I will join a coven with you any time. I like the idea of an all female “religion”. Men have done a mostly awful job in that category. I am so angry and depressed most days that I need a way to focus my energy toward something beneficial. I love trees. I love animals. Don’t like a large majority of people. Love the rest. I think that makes me Wiccan.
I’m in. My questionable power is the ability to read my stew recipe and always use too much liquid in spite of just reading to fill dish up half way, I fill it up ALL the way, every time, for years now! Just once I would like to not have to peel MOAR potatoes to make up the difference.
I’m in! My resume includes; owner of 6 cats, 3 of WITCH are black….(See what I did there? Which, WITCH)…
It may be time for you to pick up a copy of the book that invented the term “Fake News.”
William S. Burroughs’ “The Revised Boy Scout Manual”: An Electronic Revolution
Count me in! I have been a secret druid for years!!
Run on sentences are my favorite.
(It is the only type of running I can relate too.)
P.S. You are definitely magic!
My questionable power is that animals can talk to me. By that I mean that I can understand them but they can’t understand me. Also, I can only understand them like 50% of the time. Maybe 35%. What was the question?
I am applying because I want the power to turn Lindsay Graham into a sniveling little rodent . . . oh wait, he already is one . . . okay, I want the power to turn all the men on the Supreme Court of the United States into women!
Can I apply? I’m a Spiritualist (good at making mixed drinks), potions master ( I can homebrew Mead) and a master at banishing with crystals (cause if you throw them hard enough, shit stays GONE)
I’m in! Between you and AFP this day has been saved!
We burn the patriarchy at midnight
Cookies and cocoa at 12:30.
Sign me up! It’s a good thing I’m not Carrie, or the entire country would be in flames right now. Sigh.
That was one amazing sentence. It sort of hurt my head to read it.
I’m totally in also, but I don’t know if you want me in your coven. I’m pretty sure that the only power I possess is the power to attract unnaturally bad luck. Or maybe you’ll want me around so that I will attract all of your bad luck to me with my insane bad luck magnet witch powers.
I am a witch who bounces her way through life. I think this qualifies me. 😉
I saw something on Facebook earlier that said, “Lord, give me patience, because if you give me strength, I am going to need bail money to go with it.” I felt like that’s super relatable right now, particularly with everything going on in the news.
I want to unfollow all the news sites on Facebook, but I also don’t want to be left in the dark about the world. It’s so unsettling and I can’t stand scrolling through. Everything going on in the world is so dark.
But also, BURN EVERYTHING!
I am the death of rubber bands and I have the speed of a sloth. Is that something we can use?
Is awkwardness an ability? Because I have it in superpower form and if you need that then I’m totally down to apply!
I’m in. I was just trying to start something myself, but you beat me to it.
Sign me up!!
Sign me up I am so there!
I would like to join. I have a black cat so I’m totally prepared also my super power is to annoy people with my personality and my power is strong
I’m in. My questionable power is making a deer snort while it watches my dance moves.
I would like my questionable secret power to be invisibility, but if it’s a questionable power then it probably means that the invisibility would fade in and out and I would end up naked (because you can’t wear clothes AND be invisible) somewhere, eavesdropping on people that I should really just be stalking online. Or maybe I could be a genie who grants wishes but screws them up, sort of like a fairy godmother Amelia Bedelia. I’m good with either option.
Totally in. Let me know when the meeting is. I will bring chocolates and wine.
I am putting my name in the witches hat!!!! I have plenty of experience with getting knocked down by trees and the insuing magical powers!!! 🎉❤️🎉
My superpower is finding four-leafed clovers by the gallon. I keep working on head-explody powers but they haven’t manifested yet, so I have to settle for seething rage and four-leafed clovers pressed in every book in my house. I want to join your coven and help burn down the patriarchy!
I’m totally in. I have a black dog instead of a black cat, will that work? So far my only super power is my eyes randomly change colors so I never know what color eyes I have. Makes for some interesting times at the DMV, and when people compliment me on them and I have to ask what color they are. You get a lot of strange looks when you don’t know your own eye color.
I present myself and all my spoons as well as my much smarter daughter that will join your girl to save the world
Welcome to the witch clan!
Also, my dog always jumps on my tummy when I fall down.
I feel that this is his way of standing guard.
“I’ve got your back, Mum!”
When really, he’s got my front… but in all fairness he is protecting me from myself by keeping me on the floor that just savagely attacked me. You try hitting something with no leverage to hit it. There’s a reason they put that in the coffin scene of Kill Bill.
So, Dottie was just telling you to take as long as you need (resting), she will watch for more evil tree messages while you catch the wind that was knocked out of you.
I’m totally in. I have questionable morals and am a legit witch, so that counts, right?
Count me in! My questionable power- it’s impossible for me to write a bad paper/essay. Mayhaps I can parlay that into creating any fliers we put out. Just sayin, here if you need me. Although you speak for the trees and fliers are made from paper which comes from trees…maybe we can make fliers out of something else. This should be first item on the docket during the coven’s first meeting. Stay awesome dear lady!
Sign me up to burn it down. My powers of cultivating strange, slightly moist organisms in darkened corners of my lair are not to be underestimated. I suspect these substances could be useful in potion-concoction. Also very skilled in obliviating memory–mostly my own, but perhaps it can be harnessed for good. Put me to work. #notSlytherin
Witch of Twisted Ankles at your service…I can only twist my own ankles. The gift was given to me by a root of an old oak tree!
I am the Rain Goddess of Camping, I guess that’s a questionable power? Whenever I go camping the clouds just know, and they follow along just to make sure I’m wet and cold and miserable. Honestly, people should pay me not to go camping with them. I’m in for the coven, as long as there’s no camping involved.
My secret power/blessing/curse is a profound sense of smell — I’m a “super-smeller.” I can detect wine faults in one sniff and parse out scents like a bloodhound, and
WHO FARTED? Christ!
Please accept my application to the coven.
I can wriggle my nose. Will that get me in?
Totally in. But I’m pretty sure this coven is getting too big. Although maybe if there’s enough of us, when we cast a circle, it’ll actually encompass the earth and then we can fix it!
I’m totally in. Basically most if not all of us were ALREADY in, we just didn’t know it yet.
Totally in. And I’m already a witch. But I’m pretty sure this coven is getting too big. Although maybe if there’s enough of us, when we cast a circle, it’ll actually encompass the earth and then we can fix it!
Joining. I have very puny powers. But I’m good with animals.
Well, I’ve certainly walked into plenty of trees, so I think I qualify.
This is a good direction for you book club. Whatever happened to that anyway? I was just getting comfortable with reading about haunted private parts in public.
I’m totally in!
As a certified Witch with a late husband who was an ArchDruid, I approve of your kinda-sorta third-eye awakening. Always room for more in the circle.
I’m in! My power is being able to fold the bottom sheet as neatly as the top sheet!
Yesterday I was offered a chance to become a well-postured vampire (NO BRAD DINGLEMANS NEED APPLY) and now today, a witch! This is turning out to be a fantastic October! Can I be both? Is there a hybrid vampire witch? Because the power I would wield would be awesome.
And mostly because last week I was reading my phone while walking into a grocery store and totally face planted over a cement divider in front of everyone. If I were a vampire witch, that shit wouldn’t happen. 1) No need for groceries as I’d subsist on blood and potions 2) As a vampire, I could fly, yo 3) As a witch, I could stop time or cast anti-tipping spells 4) As a vampire, I would have a Renfield to do all shopping for me, thus allowing me more time on Facebook.
I am willing to become a witch, but Jenny, you cannot allow my ex-husband to join, or I’ll have to quit. He’s really the worst and would use his powers for free porn and Lotto tickets, not giving anything back to the community at all.
Also in!!! Are we the Unicorn Success Coven???
So do I have to find an actual tree to jump me in to this coven or will the large shrub who rains spiders in my front yard suffice? I feel it does enough psychological damage to make up for any physical that may be required as an entrance fee…
Oh, please let me join. I think this will kill me and you’re a light in the darkness.
I am a Native American Witch and I always wanted to join a coven. Samhain (Halloween/Celtic New Year) is my favorite holiday!
Wenona Lee Gardner
White Turtle Rainbow
I want to join! I have the power of boundless enthusiasm for organizing shit, as long as it’s not MY shit.
My shit is a hot mess.
I’m so in, Jenny.
Sign me up!
I am totally in.
I’m in. I have the obligatory black cat and just LOVE to burn shit. I genuinely believe I’m jinxed, so my superpower would be to attract the stuff that needs burning.
Count me in! As a Mom I am sure I have powers that might be useful!
Not only am I a witch of questionable repute and abilities, I WRITE about them too! (Also, that tree DEFINITELY turned you into a witch!)
I’m in .please
I’m kinda obsess with cults and covens. Sooooo. That’s a yes for the ginger wearing polka dots. PS: Can I still wear polka dots if I’m a witch. (Asking for a friend.)
I’m in. I think we should have our first meeting in Washington DC on January 19. My questionable superpower is sailor mouth. I look forward to teaching my daughter in our ways.
I’m in. At least Trump didn’t win the Nobel Peace prize.
Yes please. I Googled how to hex someone today.
I’m so in! My questionable power is the ability to break any electronic device by looking at it.
I am SO in!
I’m here for the arson. And witchy things. Ok, I can’t even pretend to be a badass, just lets fix this stupid fucking country.
I’m in! My Grandmother taught me how to get rid of the evil eye and really I just want to hang out with you guys!(But nor from a tree…)
I would like to apply. I stop every watch I wear. I suspect I’m a master of magnetism.
seems like a good club. I’m in!
Count me in!!!!!
I have the questionable power of taming misbehaving electronics – especially computers and printers. I get called in to look at something and voila, now it’s working correctly. Doesn’t work on my own stuff, of course…
I have the ability to type without looking at my hands, which for some reason seems to impress certain people. I also have matches and feel a bit burn-y today (as opposed to my usual stabby feelings). I await the lighting of the bat signal, or witch signal, or whatever. . . text me or something, i’m in.
As long as the coven requires afternoon naps (or naps anytime, really), I’m totally in.
I volunteer to be the toothless old crone who stirs the cauldron and hurls curses at passersby. My qualifications include old, dentures, long grey hair and raggedy clothes. Don’t have the cauldron, tho, but I can curse with the best of ye!
I’d like to apply. My questionable power is that whenever I go into a food store, suddenly lots of people come in. I’ve turned quiet takeaway places into frantic hotspots.
I have a hooded cloak and a number of spell books! Count me in.
Witch,please! Count me in!
Ahem. Welcome aboard! Your initiation was successful. Now you recognize how those stabby feelings were a harbinger of coming events. In fact the last year or so has shown a multitude of new recruits and the last two weeks it has been quadrupled every day!!
However, you will have to be on probation for a month until you re-learn the all important rules of usage of lie/lay. Minor for most folks but the English Nazis – a Supreme Coven have final veto.
BTW we also assume you are competent driving a stick.🧟♀️
I’d love to join! (& I totally didn’t realize it was a run-on sentence until you said something.)
In. In. In. Absolutely. I have an elderly standard poodle and a Manx kitten as familiars. As a middle aged bisexual woman, my powers to pass without trace are finely honed.
In. In. In. Absolutely. I have an elderly standard poodle and a Manx kitten as familiars. As a middle aged bisexual woman, my powers to pass without trace are finely honed!
I totally want to join your secret coven of witches with questionable powers! That sounds awesome!
I’m in! Can we get the trees to act for us, though? I have some actions I’d like them to complete – should I post it on Facebook? Is that how to get their attention? I might be a little confused, although I have NOT been whacked by a tree today.
Thank you! I knew I’d find my place in the world eventually.
Sign me up 😂
OMG!!! I’m in! My power is being unintentionally “funny.” I say something completely honest, make everyone uncomfortable and someone always says “you’re so funny!” And I’m like — that’s not funny, it’s just true 😂
I’m in. Special powers include crying in public places and baking cookies.
I so want the now-you to go back to the bookstore on the night then-you and Victor met, just before he saw then-you looking at the witchcraft books, and whisper something about that tree and your powers in your own ear. What would you say?
I’m in, too. Good advice about Facebook. I have to stay on, though, to see your posts.
Count me in! My special powers are being sparkly and eating all the popcorn. I’m very useful that way.
Sign me up. I’ll bring the matches.
Consider this my acceptance scrawled in blood.
On the upside Doctor Who is back on this weekend… But for a good movie – Cabin in the Woods.
I have had many black cats over the years, though we have been a feline-less household for a while due to son’s allergies, and we have a large tree overhanging the walk to the driveway which frequently drops stuff on my head. I have questionable housekeeping skills – does that count as a superpower? Unfortunately, I do not have your awesome ability to avoid punctuation demons. Just can’t do it!
I am IN.
My mystical power is managing to ALWAYS hurt myself at work in the weirdest of ways, which is NOT a good thing since I work in a school kitchen with questionable equipment that doesn’t always work properly anyway. I have a bruise on my arm right now because I managed to slam my elbow into the giant stainless steel milk box while sweeping the other day.
I’m so in!
I’m in, too!!
I’m so in! Where do I buy my tee shirt and hat.
I dipped my toes back in the waters of Facebook today. It was filled with The News, and The News is GARBAGE, so I have to get out again. Maybe I will try again in November? I can’t imagine it’s going to get better any time soon.
I’m totally in! Do we have a Witchy Uniform or a sloagan or a cheer?
Totally in. Although my power is in my glare… just ask my 10tear old who refuses to get off of fortnite…
Earlier this year, my cousin moved to a new neighborhood. She went out for a walk one day, when a rogue tree jumped out and whacked her in the forehead. Does that make her a witch, too? She’s a minister. Does that negate the witch thing?
I’m totally in!
I would like to be a member, but my questionable power has already allowed me to insinuate myself into this situation.
Male witch here. Is this coven willing to accept males? I apologize in advance for any awkwardness or embarrassment at skyclad ceremonies.
I’m in! I even fell for no good reason today too. Although I ended up with a bruised hand so I wont be casting spells or stirring cauldrons for awhile. My stupid hand hurts typing these 2 little sentences… 😠
Sign me up!!!
Ooh, me! I can write backwards in cursive!
I’ve never been in this corner of the internet before but just thought I’d chime in to say I’m in.
for sure – totally in!!!
I’m in. I know that jerk from Massachusetts, and have also been reminded by a tree to get the hell off the internet. My superpower is communicating with dogs being walked on the other side of the street. Our eyes meet, even if I’ m not even trying, and well, we just Know. I also found someone’s contact lens on a gravel driveway once. Oh, and I can find the perfect gift.
Please let me in!
Sign me up. My power will be to give people a spontaneous bout of sloppy wet farts whenever they are rude to someone.
I really want to be a part of this group too!
So, MY husband is not on Facebook, but he reads MY FB all the time and makes comments “as me” and corrects my friends’ grammar. If he read your post he would tell you the correct term is I’m going to LIE down, not lay down. The annoying this is all my friends read “my” comments correcting them, and get annoyed and then when I tell them Jeff (my husband) said that instead of me suddenly it’s OK with them that HE corrected them. How annoying is that? I think we both need to get off Facebook!
Well, as my mother always said, “two’s company but three’s a coven”.
I have the uncanny ability to backtrack and find my way back to the car. Even in a strange city. I know, it’s a questionable power, but I’ve clearly found the group to join!!!
count me in
I know all sorts of useless knowledge, friends used to call the the “bank of useless knowledge.” Does that count as a secret power? I’m totally in!!
THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THIS, JENNY!
Count me in… I have crystals (which, even if not magical could theoretically be chucked at the heads of non-believers, right?)
I’m in. Also we shall need wine. I’ll bring two bottles for every meeting (one white and one red).
The wine is mainly for drinking, but we could use it for magic or something too.
Thank you for making me laugh during this crazy time for women.
I have the appropriate rocks, and incense, and diffusers. I can probably chant a few nursery rhymes, so…I’m in!
I would like to apply. My qualities include excessive anxiety, inappropriate laughter, an obsession with dogs, and a detailed knowledge of all the relationships in Grey’s Anatomy. Abracadabra.
I’ve got my portable cauldron and collapsible broom and I’m ready! Just tell me where the first meeting is!
I like your ideas, and would like to subscribe to your newlett-
Oh 🙂 . Right. Can I please just join the coven then? I can make brownies!
Jenny, I totally love you. You are so the best and I want to have another Yogurt Party.
I’ll join now but i may want to leaf tomorrow
It’s not technically a run-on if properly punctuated, which it is. You go,
I’m in! I even have my own familiar in the shape of a super smart mini poodle with an attitude problem. 🙂
i’m already in the coven and i’m the one who told the tree to recruit you
I’m totally in. Will travel and I have very questionable powers.
I’m in. Already a pagan so I guess I just need the hat.
I’m in bitches! Er um, witches?
But I don’t wanna be a witch. Can I be something else like a dragon with a drinking problem? I think I could pull that off.
Please consider this my formal application! Qualifications: two cats who are each being very unusual this evening and the normally more aggressive one has graced my toes with a tender rub of his alarmingly soft noggin, AND I made a face scrub once, which is kinda witchy, so I feel it should count.
OH, I am IN.
Will there be snacks?
Oh, yes, please! I would certainly like to join your secret coven and gain questionable powers. I haven’t been feeling very powerful at all this week and could use the camaraderie.
It’s like blessed be, but for klutzy witches.
I am so joining. I love trees and we could all commune with them and get very wise….or something.
I’m in! Got my wand ready and can cast Incedio with my pissiness and Fiendfyre if in a rage. Shit, lets just go for the Fiendfyre!
I’m in. 🙂
Sign me up. I’ve been a Witch for 20 years, a Druid for 15. I got cred. 😎
Absolutely 100% in! I’ve run in to so many trees over the years, I’m a witch 100 times over!
You had me at “A Tree Made Me A Witch.”.
Count me in! Can also make hats and love heat.
I’m a reformed druid (we only pray in bushes), so I am totally down with joining a coven. Especially yours.
I would like to join. My questionable powers are: letter writing, being pretty sure I know what I am thinking, and having a neurotic dog who follows me everywhere.
I think it was a sign from the tree to get off your phone will walking Dorothy Barker and pay more attention to her.
I am seriously tallented at farting. And saying awkward things.
I will join when it’s time, as a witch or wizard always arrives at just the right time. For me, that will be when I exhibit any powers, questionable or otherwise.
I await the hazing rituals. The Wicked Witch of the West is my role model. Power: I can usually make my sister throw a fit or cry by staring at her boobs and/or her brows. Stuff is not symmetrical and she’s super paranoid. https://possumscatsthingsgnawingatme.wordpress.com/2018/09/29/unicorns-vs-sharks/
I smashed my finger with a ten pound bolt when my hand sabotaged itself by letting go of the bolt at exactly the right moment to smash my finger. Then I hit my other hand with a hammer and ran my shoulder into a hard piece of wood and all these culminated into the super power of continuing to work through tears and cursing. This may have actually turned me into a lumberjack instead of a witch but I’m hoping this coven is inclusive and you won’t mind if I hang around repairing broomsticks and building you shelves to hold your many grimoires.
I am both a witch and have questionable powers, so I am totally down to join your coven.
I’m a redhead with green eyes. Totally witchy. Also an outspoken scientist. Not sure how I haven’t been burned at the stake yet. Maybe because cats don’t like me. I’d love to be part of your coven though.
I wanna join! I wanna join!! As I run through my neighborhood looking for low level branches!!
I’m in, where do I sign up
My daughters informed me today that they will be performing For Good in the upcoming high school orchestra concert. A pair of students will be a soprano/violin duet and my girls will sing alto/play viola. They are fighting over which one of them will cosplay as Elphaba with the other one being a flying monkey. Can they be junior coven members?
I’m in. So far it seems there are folks who are already witches, people who are willing to provide baked goods and others who are bringing drinks. This sounds like my crowd! Jury still apears to be out regarding the hats – perhaps they should be optional? I’m all in favour of burning things and can bring candles for rituals, mood lighting or starting the fire that burns the patriarchy. They really are such versatile things.
You’re so awesome like a right Molly Bloom and…
Definitely want IN. When will the burnings start?
Kindred witches already at Noir arts and oddities in Kansas City. We got major raccoon taxidermy😊 and enough mental problems to get a not guilty by reason of insanity plea!
Wow! Run-on sentence magic! I will join if you don’t have real spiders. We have a contract that I won’t try to kill them if they stay outside, and don’t want them to know that I run screaming if I see them.
I have all sorts of not-terribly-useful-but-kinda-awesome skills. I’m IN!
Please, please let me be a questionable witch. I fell down in a parking lot in England two weeks ago (probably tripped over a lay line) so I have a big bump on my head. See. The witchiness knew I’d need one. I’ll be happy to help you do questionable witchy things either involving or not involving fire.
I once walked into a pool like an idiot and almost drowned in the shallow end because I’m a hobbit. So yes. I’m pretty sure the water gave me some magic as well. WE NEED THIS COVEN!
I want in! I am an expert crop duster and my husband tells me I am a poet when I am describing gross things.
You are a witch for sure and you have great powers, the super or magic power of making the world a better place with your writing.
The great Terry Pratchett once wrote about a group of witches I calling them “a loose assortment of chronic non joiners” Therefore your coven sounds perfect. I want in.
you speak for the trees? So you’re like a feminist Lorax?
Mood: BURN IT DOWN. SALT THE REMAINS.
I’m in! Black cats love me. They are my familiar, which must mean I’m a witch!
My qualifications: 1( I was born on the druid’s holiday of Beltane. 2( I use parenthesis incorrectly. 3( A lot of times, I know things that I really have no way of knowing…like solving Wheel of Fortune puzzles before any letters have been revealed, and knowing how many strokes my husband took while golfing (and I wasn’t even with him). 4( I can make shit happen, and so can all of you. VOTE so that the Blogess (sounds like Godess) doesn’t have to be injured by trees anymore.
I LOVE you Jenny.
Can I join this coven, please? I can make cupcakes for it!
If questionable powers is the requirement for joining I’ve got that covered. Where do I sign up?
My secret powers are that I can turn the nicest guys into racing lunatics. Personal best, 2 dates. Plus, I can grow a baby, survive it being dragged from my still living body, and keep it alive (9 years so far!). Also, amphetamines make me go to sleep. I think I might be the next Supreme.
I think this is one of my favorites so far! Love you, Jenny!!!!!!
I don’t necessarily want to be a witch, but I do fall in love with black cats on a regular basis. 4 within the last 8 years. 2 from a shelter, 1 rescued feral and 1 who belongs to my favorite sister. BUT… If Margaritas or Sangria are involved, I am willing to pretend to be a witch just for the company and happiness that ensues.
Dearest Covenmother and magical Bloggess –
I would like to apply for the position of coven-member and Witch-Novice. I have numerous relevant skills including rhyming, making up songs about whatever is happening at the moment, and mixing fabulous margaritas.
I look forward to meeting you and my future coven-sisters!
DESTROY THE PATRIARCHY! I SPEAK FOR THE TREES!
You don’t fit the profile of people who would write or say “I’m going to LAY down.” But of course we love you anyway.
Do I have to get smacked by a tree? Cause I’m totally willing to do that to be in your coven.
Sign me up!
I would like to join. My powers include an O in my potions class (baking), and I’m good at tying my shoelaces.
Totally in for it…
I create cold with my hands and feet.
I’ve been often told that my laugh sounds like a witch’s cackle, plus the Dark Shadows character “Bathia Mapes” is a witch, so IMHO I think I’m well qualified to join your coven.
Pick me! Pick me! I just lit a fire in my yard!
It is time to rise up in sisterhood as much as you jest, the goddess does speak to us through our environment and how we interact with it. You got a clear sign! What a blessing. We are all perfectly flawed just as we were meant to be. Of We could turn out energy into those that hurt us rather than shaming ourselves forbeing who we are we would crush and burn everything
My husband and I like making superhero/super villian names for people so I’ve been getting ready for this for years! Other than being able to sleep no matter the siMy husband and I like making superhero/super villian names for people so I’ve been getting ready for this for years! Other than being able to sleep no matter the situation (yes I’m talking to you root canal) I can always identify a song within the first few seconds if ive heard it even once before.tuation (yes I’m talking to you root canal) I can always identify a song within the first few seconds if ive heard it even once before. Most importantly tho, do we get to wear cool outfits?
I was able to harness the power of keeping my mouth shut while my conservative parents, aunt, and uncle were watching the Kavanaugh vote today. I also did not bite anyone or kick them in the shins.
So I may have to get bitch slapped by a tree……….mmmmmmm……..OK, still joining. ‘Dancing and singing in pjs to R.E.M song’ ” It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine!
I so want a “SMASH THE PATRIARCHY! I SPEAK FOR THE TREES!” button to wear when I vote but I am way too lazy to make one. But I am going to vote anyway because that shit matters and I am DONE with the current state of affairs.
Count me in. I’ve suspected for a long time that I’m part Djinn, but I definitely have questionable powers.
Me, Me, Me! Pick Me!
I am ready with marshmallows in hand.
I can’t even tell you how much I needed to laugh, today.
Oh Goddess, I am already a witch. Been Pagan for over 20 years, & I can tell you – that tree totally initiated you & blessed you at the same time! Get yourself a pointy hat and some pointy-toed shoes, but NO jumping off roofs! That’s just for those Hollywood weirdos.
I’ve never been a witch before. It might be fun! Sign me up and I hope your head isn’t bothering you from your run in with the tree. 🙂
Yeah, I’m in too. Totally into burning something down right now. If I ever get called in to court & they want to swear me in for some reason, I’m telling ’em, “What the hell do I need to swear in for ?! What the hell’s the point?! I’m not a rich, white guy, so you’re never gonna believe what I have to say anyway!”
I’m in. My power is that I can find legal parking spaces in cities including San Francisco, New York, and most importantly Washington DC. Just don’t get behind me at the supermarket checkout because I always pick the wrong one.
What’s our themesong … “Witchy Woman”?
I’m in! I’m ever so slightly psychic (or observant and intuitive, whatever) and the girl scouts taught me how to build a strong fire.
Also, did you know that pointed hats and brooms are symbols of witches because of a conflation with ladies brewing beer? I’ve never felt surer about my desire to be a witch as when I learned that.
I want to join. I have a talent for getting myself caught on door knobs and I’ve hit my Apple Watch on like every wall and every door and not cracked it yet so I think that’s talent too LOL
God I fucking adore you!!
Yup, I’m in. It’s good to have found my people… Er… Coven.
I just want you to know that this post is SO well-written that I did not notice that it was one giant run-on sentence until you mentioned it in the second-to-last line. Maybe your questionable power can be used to bring down the patriarchy by filibustering? Of course, you’d probably have to be elected to Congress first. Details, details…
Oh yes please…I’m so ready to join. My questionable power is the ability to fold a fitted bedsheet, so if that counts, bonus!
So, when will the t-shirts be available at your online store?!
I love your ‘run-on sentence posts’, in my head I always read it as you being so excited to tell us something that you can’t take a pause. It makes just the act of reading the post feel exciting and dramatic. I’d totally like to join your secret coven, though I’m not sure if the fact that I have a background in Wiccan study is a pro or con in this instance.
Please make this real. I volunteer as organizer.
Wow! How much do I love this post? Let me count the ways . . .
I’m not a woman, and I’m pretty sure I don’t have magic (unless losing consistently due to the river card is a power). But can I join anyway?
So on the note of “the internet made me hit my head”….I legit tripped and face planted over a sodewalk curb at the mall the other day because I was looking at my phone and missed the step. Apparently this epidemic isn’t just for the teenagers. 🙄
I’m in, as long as we can recruit Myrtle Snow (Francis Conroy) from American Horror Store
I’d like to apply, please. I’m quite certain there enough for applicants for some sort of ‘Super Coven.’
Please, please, please! If ever there was a time humanity needs a joining together of women it is now! For myself, I do not broom, but quite gifted with the swifter and Dyson.
In! I even have previous experience.
And by previous experience, I mean running into a low hanging branch hard enough to get a large bump while playing with Spotify during my run. Plus I’ve done good spells.
I’m a witch 365 days a year!!!
and I constantly almost kill myself because of the internet I wonder if there is a term for death by the internet? death by misadventure?
I’m in too! 🙂
Sign me up please!
Sometimes, I kind of wish we could hear Victor’s side of things, you know, from Victor.
Does it come with Dental? Because I’m totally down with that if I can get a couple crowns taken care of at the same time.
Don’t leave me hanging—was Jesus okay?
I’m totally in, I can spot the right nut for any bolt, that is my major power. I am also a arcane master of run on sentences. Arise kit and kindred of Jenny Lawson first of the arbor-struck, we were chosen by the trees for the transfiguration of our time!!!!
I’m totally in, I can spot the right nut for any bolt, that is my major power. I am also a arcane master of run on sentences. Arise kit and kindred of Jenny Lawson first of the arbor-struck, we were chosen by the trees for the transfiguration of our time!!!!
Me! Me! Me! I already have a black cat! She says “yabba sabbath do”! My kids don’t believe me, but i swear she does! One day I’ll catch it on tape!….
Does being able to misplace literally everything count as a superpower
Where do I sign up? Although I don’t think my husband would be nearly as understanding as Victor was to you. He might help out with finding a tree to induct me…
I hate to be the one to say it, but I think that makes you more of a Lorax than a witch. 😉
Achievement Unlocked: Faulkner Writing Style.
+1,472 Writing Style points
(By unlocking this achievement, you are ineligible for the Hemingway Style, but I think you’ll be okay with that.)
#1 Totally in. 🙂 We need a t-shirt.
#2 You like cheese, right? You’ve cursed someone while eating cheese, right? Or pizza maybe? that has cheese.
Well, there’s such a thing as cheese magic (I wrote about it in this month’s issue of Culture magazine), so there you go…you’re pretty much a Witch.
Your fellow tree-loving, accidental head-hitting, writer-witch-mama.
I’m in! Been looking for a coven for a while…
I’m late to this party but I’m totally down to join your coven 😉
I am totally in, TOTES. I’ve even got a giant Stevie Nicks tophat with veil and a twirly skirt to spin around in!
I’ve read this to my daughter and she’s a 15 year old Hayley. We would like tee-shirts
for the “Down with the Patriarchy…” Do you make those? We also were wondering if there is an
age limit to your coven. 🙃
🤣😂 count us in 😋
I am joined to the earth and the sky. I love and love with honesty and beauty. Please accept me. My name is Heather and you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org