Name that bear

in Random Crap

This weekend I made a new friend and live-tweeted it and it was glorious and terrifying:


So basically I thought I had a great bear name and then I saw all the other great bear names and now we need a new poll.  Also, the bear is gender neutral at the moment and I’m gonna need a line on a triple-XL kilt probably.

 

141 thoughts on “Name that bear”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Based solely on the shirt, I voted Matthew McClawnaughey. I suspect I am not the only one, since that choice is in first place (for now, but I think only 8 or 9 people have voted so far).

  3. I’m getting a total John Travolta vibe but that doesn’t yield a good name so never mind.

  4. Victor definitely knows how to ring your chimes! He bears you well!

  6. This was the best ever. Victor knows you so well and I can’t wait to see what you dress it in.

  12. Harry Bearafonte? Probably too late, maybe keep on file if more bears turn up.

  13. Harry Bearafonte? Probably too late, maybe keep on file if more bears turn up.

  14. Jesus Fucking Christ…. this is both my name suggestion and my reaction. Just think… every person surprised by the bear’s presence in your home will already know their name! ” JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” “OH, you’ve met!” See?

  16. Jesus Fucking Christ…. this is both my name suggestion and my reaction. Just think… every person surprised by the bear’s presence in your home will already know their name! ” JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” “OH, you’ve met!” See?

  17. If you put a kilt on it, I vote for Sean Clawnery or Sean Bearghan

  19. Since I assume he’ll take a place of prominence in your bookstore:

    Billy Shakesbear?

  20. The first name I thought of was Bearthew McBearny…before I read your list of names.

  21. No one thought of Beary White? Because that bear can clearly not get enough of your love. Baby.

  23. I’m definitely a Matthew McClawnaughy supporter. It’s too bad you couldn’t call him Roary, but that would get confusing:-)

  25. You have the best Twitter conversations! 😂 You also have the best Husband. Aside from The Viking, of course. It sounds like they do a lot of gift shopping from the same source though.

  27. Matthew mcClawnaughey. No doubt about it. Especially now that he’s doing that whole Magic Mike thing on your floor.

  28. I’m still feeling like Benedict Cumberbear or Bearnadict Cumberbatch might be this bear’s name, especially if a kilt is coming into play…
    I’m also wondering if this bear is Texan? If so I feel like there might be some potential names from Texas history in play. I know this isn’t helping narrow the field. Also, I feel like this needs to be an ad for Facebook marketplace.

  30. I’m not sure who suggested Ron Bearemy but I bow down to their brilliance.

  31. If you do put him in a kilt, how about Robert Bearns? Robbie to his friends. He could be the mascot for your bookstore.

  33. Two votes, only one counts. Hear me out, I’m not trying to stuff the ballot box.

    IF you keep the t-shirt, I feel like it kinda has to be Matthew McClawnaughey.

    If you plan on a wholesale change of dress, Ruth Bader Ginsbear, ’cause I love me some Notorious RBG. You can buy facsimiles of her collars online, you know, and then you’d just need a big-ass black robe.

  37. After having recently watched The Good Place, I vote for Jeremy Bearimy.

  39. For obscure pop culture, I don’t think you could do any better than Kerry Von Bearich after the late wrestler Kerry Von Erich, the Texas Tornado. He lost his foot in a motorcycle accident in 1986, but he hid the severity of the injury and kept wrestling with a prosthetic in his boot. Almost nobody knew about it until after he died. That’s dedication to kayfabe!

  40. Okay but Bearison Ford because then you can dress him up like Indiana Jones

  42. Jeremy Bearemy! (It’s a joke from “The Good Place” if you haven’t seen it)

  44. I don’t know what its name is, but I am pretty sure it ruined its motherfucking souffle.

  45. After seeing all these name entries I thought for sure she was gonna say, ‘we need another bear!’

  46. With shirt > Matthew McClawnaughey, hands down. Without, Bearison Ford, but I can’t decide if you should then dress him up like Indy or Han. A conundrum.

  47. I was thinking ‘Christine Bearanski’ or ‘Brigitte Beardot’ before you took his pants off.

    If he’s going to eventually reside in your bookstore, maybe a more literary name is in order. I like what someone else said earlier, ‘Billy Shakesbear’

  48. I voted, but honestly I think it should be Roarville bc he has on a shirt that says Wright on it.

  52. Someone mentioned Sean Clawnery a while ago and I have to say I love that, especially if you put him in a kilt.

  59. Hes an old bear who needs an old name… Bearney Google…you know the grandpa song right? BEARney Google, with the goo goo googly eyes.
    Perfect for taxidermny. And oh the costume possibilities. https://youtu.be/StkJTSAq0dE

  61. Ridiculous in the best possible way. I’m laugh-crying so hard I’m “bearly” keeping it together. How amazing is Victor?

  62. Steal an old bathrobe and put a White Russian in his paw and viola… Jeff Lewbearski.

  63. I can’t vote! There are too many good options! I think it all depends on how you ultimately decide to dress him/her. If you’re keeping the t-shirt, then obviously Matthew McClawnaughey, but with the right apparel, I think Bearison Ford and Ruth Bader Ginsbear would also be amazing. Perhaps your bear is gender- and identity-fluid and changes according to your mood? (Also, a black robe and lace collar would be super easy costume for a taxidermied bear in that condition.)

  65. I don’t have a Twitter account but after reading these hilarious posts I might have to start. Definitely Matthew Mc …. and I love his Magic Mike floor act ! Love you Jenny!

  66. That is a transgender bear. Or this bear is a drag queen and wants some glam and campy outfits like those in that wonderful documentary “is Paris Burning?” although that might not be the exact name of the movie. How about Beartte Midler?

  67. If you are putting him in a kilt, you need a good Scottish name….
    How about Beary Connelly?
    Robeart the Bruce
    Robert Bearns (wrote auld lang syne…he could be your New Years mascot).
    Sir David Bearster – (Brewster…inventor of the kaleidoscope)

  68. Man, I’m thinking you need a dancing bear themed name because that is such a dance pose if I ever saw one. Mikhail Bearyshnikov springs to mind… Pawtrick Swayze, Fred Asbear, Pawla Abdul. Or a disco vibe? Beary Gibb (but that one might cause trouble because then you would HAVE to complete the trio), Chuck Beary, Beary Manilow…

  69. Franz Schubeart (who apparently died of syphilis, which might explain that whole crotch decay thing going on). All he needs is a pair of wire-rimmed spectacles. And maybe a piano.

  78. I think he looks like a Marlon Bearando. Or if I need to pick one from your list, Bearison Ford. But I really like Marlon Bearando.

  80. What a guy…..I cannot believe he brought GrGrGr home for you. That episode was hilarious! Only in your house………..

  83. I was all about RBG, but if there is to be a kilt, Mattie McClaw is a no-brainer. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 🐻

  84. If you’re looking for a name to go with a kilt – John Yogie Bear-d (John Logie Baird, Scottish inventor).

  89. These suggestions are all so great! How to pick just one? You need more bears. This one however needs a name befitting a born performer. Personally my faves are Beary Manilow, LiBearace, Beary White, Chuck Beary….my husband, ultimate minimalist, said Bear.

  90. My favorites Beary Gibb or Beary Manilow didn’t make the cut????? Wha????? With that 70’s t-shirt? Plus he looks like he’s disco-ing! (Or maybe Copa Cabana-ing) I’m still holding out hope for either of those….

  93. I started reading this earlier today, but had to stop. Firstly because I was at an all day workshop, and Secondly because these names are aweso…… ummm I mean PAWSOME!!!!! and it was a little bit hard not to snort, guffaw and full on cackle at some of them!
    God I love this page!! God Bless Beary Manilow, Beary White and/or Beary Gibb!!!

  94. This is brilliant! I haven’t laughed so hard in ages – beary funny. Luckily I’m on my own in the office or I’d have to explain to my co-workers why I’m laughing at images of a half-naked, footless bear. I vote Bearison Ford all the way. Dressed as Han Solo or Indiana Jones

  95. You know, at this point I don’t think you’ll ever top this unless you find a kangaroo or a llama or (Gods help you) an elephant. So, I think you should take this opportunity to really push the boat out and go with Beary McBearface. You won’t get another chance like this, Lawson. DO IT.

  97. Sportkilt will make a kilt to fit him, plus they use velcro so easy to change

  98. I’m really feeling Lionel Bearymore. I mean, give that guy an Oscar.

  100. The photos with the cat are killing me. He looks like a grumpy boss yelling at his intern. “Jesus, Linda, I said only TWO sugars! This coffee tastes like syrup!”

    If you need a kilt for him, this is the brand my husband bought recently and loves: https://www.utkilts.com/tartan-utility-kilts/

  101. Thanks for showing us a picture of a penis and then saying, “We’re gonna need another poll (pole)” 😛

  102. My 12yo wants a Marvel name and suggests Beary Barnes. I pointed out that Beary Barnes would have been missing an arm not both feet, at which point she said she’d also be happy with Simon Growl.

  105. Take a piece of tartan cloth about 9′ long, and build some pleats across the middle 3-4 feet. Tack them down. Then wrap the cloth around Beary Blight’s waist and secure with a belt. You then have a kilt.

  107. Change out the outfits especially in your new bookstore. It will draw in customers to see who the ‘Bear of the Month’ is? Maybe the Bear has multiple personalities?

  108. Hats off to Victor, for TOTALLY getting you. That man is golden.

  109. If you’re looking for a kilt, may I suggest Off Kilter Kilts? https://www.offkilterkilts.com/ It’s my friend’s shop, so you’d be supporting a small business, and he should be able to order you a Sport Kilt in your choice of tartan. 🙂 (Perhaps MacClaren, since Lawson is a sept of that clan? Or he has a kick ass store tartan in black and purple.)

  112. Love the kilt idea, so Sean Clawnnery was an awesome suggestion!
    More Scottish names:
    Craig Furguson
    Ewan McGregrrr
    Grrroundskeeper Willie….see what I did there?

    But, these are also cool:
    Bearrison Ford
    Matthew McClawnaughey

  113. I can’t vote until you choose the clothing! If the t-shirt stays, then of course the name must match the duds – Matthew McClawnaughey.

  115. Jenny – obviously, I love everything about this post (I think that if you can’t get that XL kilt, a pair of festive jams with a nice elastic waist would be awesome), but I absolutely love the dress you are wearing! Would you please share info? TIA!

  120. If you ever need a 3XL corset, I can hook you up. I got nothin’ for a kilt. Sorry
    I’ll leave the names up to the rest of the committee. Not my super power by a long shot.
    Victor – major hubby points for such a wonderful gift for your sweetie.

  121. I know am I really late to the party, but I can’t believe no one else suggested RuPaw! This bear needs to host a taxidermy drag competition.

    Also, Victor wins the husband-of-the-year award :-).

  122. DEFINITELY RUTH BADER GINSBEAR, because we need every person available to think fondly of her often and hope she outstays the opportunity for Trump to appoint another Kavanaugh!!! BTW, Terry Gross had Michael Pollan on Fresh Air discussing his book, How to Change Your Mind, magic mushrooms may be the answer… just saying it’s worth exploring.

  124. If he’s wearing a kilt, I really like the earlier suggestion of Robert Bearnes. Plus then you can explain the taxidermied feet of bears, like the best laid plans of mice and men, gang aft a-gley.

    Before you removed the bear’s pants, I would have suggested Grizzelda, because Patient Griselda would be a whole lot better with a not-so-patient bear dealing with the duke’s nonsense.

  125. Well if boy then Beary White or if girl than Jenny Clawson or Kelly Clawkson

  126. There is no QUESTION about the name with that Tshirt!
    Signed,
    Big fan from Austin

  128. Back again. Still thinking Beary Connelly. Then you can dress him like Uncle Monty from Lemony Snickett (bow tie for the win).Which brings me to my best argument: this will give you a strong argument for purchasing a taxidermied albino python. Having said that….you could make him into lots of literary characters for your shop….

  132. Congratulations on your new family member! And for deciding to go to Japan. I wish I was as brave as you are 💜

  133. I can help you with the kilt issue. And I feel like they should be called Bearnardo.

  135. We were driving through Minnesota on a family trip and I found a place that you need to visit and this post proves why. It’s called Mehlops Four Seasons Taxidermy https://www.courtlandtaxidermy.com/ and it’s in Courtland, Minnesota. Oh, by the way, we saw two dead raccoons by the side of the road and one of them was in a fantastic Thriller dance pose. I was so sad to see them, but I imagined you finding them and taking them to Mehlops Four Seasons Taxidermy. Congratulations on the success with the TMS! Longtime anxiety/panic attack/depression sufferer here.

  136. I am so Beary happy for you! Victor truly is your soulmate! How about Ricky Beartin?

  138. Are you on James Breakwell’s mailing list? (If not, you should be). He has a whole series of emails about his search for a taxidermy bear for his brother’s wedding gift. Saga has not yet ended since the wedding is not until August. The story of how he picked it up is hilarious.
    P.S. I voted for Bearison Ford, because Chewbacca of course.

  140. This was the best ever. I’m voting for Matthew McClawnaughey.
    Get Traditional Custom Made Original Modern Kilts and Utility Kilts for Mens, Womens and Baby Kilts, Made From High Quality Materials in Tartan, Leather, Denim and Cotton which includes many types of available Utility Kilts, Tartan Kilts and Hybrid Kilts.
    https://www.theutilitykilt.com/kilts

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

We have played and loved every single gorgeous, solve-a-crime box @puzzlingpursuits has made and their latest one is perfect for game night AND they’re giving a bunch away to y’all. Just leave a comment here saying why you want one and they’ll let you know if you win. Whoop!
Happy Caturday to all who celebrate.
Poem of the day:
If you ordered signed copies of my books from @nowherebookshop I just signed a shit-ton of them with increasingly erratic inscriptions. I’m so sorry.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

Sarah Linn on Medium: Humorist or unstable person with an internet connection? You decide.

Uncommon Creatures Digital Portraits: Animal art inspired by Earth’s most magical creatures. Got your own beloved pet you’d like to memorialize? Have no fear… let me turn your fur-baby into a work of art.

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

%d