So today was my last day of TMS treatment. 40+ hours in the chair. And I think? I think maybe I’m in remission from my depression? I’m afraid to say it out loud in case I jinx it all but I feel good and I’ve felt good for a few weeks, which is a long time for me to go without a depressive funk. It’s probably not forever, but it’s something…and I’ll take it.
In the last month I’ve worked on my book. I’ve left the house. I’ve answered emails and phone calls. Victor and Hailey usually travel without me because I’m not a traveler. They’re going to Japan in a few weeks and Hailey asked if I’d come with them this time. And I said yes. I’ve already warned them that I’ll probably stay in the hotel and just read while they explore but even that is a big step and one I’m happy about it. And scared about.
I’m feeling a lot of stuff right now…lucky, afraid, hopeful. But it’s good to feel. It’s a nice change from the exhaustive numbness of depression. And I’m writing this down so that I remember that it’s worth fighting for the good days even if you know the bad days will probably come again. You’re worth fighting for too. I promise.