So I saw this picnic table/bench that works like a mood ring in that it turns a different color whenever you apply body heat to it.
It’s interesting in theory but in practice it seems sort of gross because typically I think crotches are a higher temperature than the rest of your body so you’d have extreme booty marks on your furniture and I don’t know who wants that. Plus, if you were wearing a maxi pad the table would totally be like, “YOOOOO THIS BITCH IS TOTALLY BLEEDING OUT HER LADY GARDEN” because I’m pretty sure the pad would deflect the heat and make it look like you don’t even have a vagina. Once again, you ruin everything, menstruation.
But then I thought, wait…is that right or am I justassuming crotches run at a higher temperature? Because it feels like basic logic that they’re like a heat exhaust vent sent since they have holes in them, but heat rises so technically maybe your crotch heat moves up into your head, which would make your head the hottest part of your body and would explain why people always say to wear a hat because heat escapes most from your head. I don’t know if it’s displaced junk heat but that would make sense and also I think it means we’re sort of checking crotch temps whenever we feel someone’s forehead to check for fever.
I decided to Google if crotches were naturally higher in temperature than the rest of your body but when I typed: “Are crotch” it auto-filled to “Are crotch rockets safe?” and I’m just going to go out on a limb and say “You have to wear safety goggles just to lighta rocket. Do not attach them to your delicate dangly bits. What is even wrong with you?” But then I clicked on the link and turns out that “crotch rockets” is slang for “motorcycles”. And that was a small relief because otherwise I think I would have been on the weird side of the internet again (like yesterday when I was looking for sweatpants that have elastic on the ankles because you never see those anymore) and Google images was like, “OH, HERE” and it gave me a bunch of pictures of sweatpants for sale and also this:
And I was like, “WTF, Google? One of these things is not like the other.” But in Google’s defense they are listed as “sweat pants” and that sort of makes sense because my first thought was “My God, I bet that’s sweaty. I can smell that guy’s junk from here and it smells like NOPE.” Then I rolled my curser over the picture it says: “BRAND NAME MAN PANTIES” and I’m not a big fan of the word “panties”, but the phrase “man panties” sort of sings and is my new go-to phrase for whenever I see something totally fucked up. Like, “Hey did you see that someone invented furniture that lets you finger-paint with your vagina heat? That shit’s man panties.”
I went back to my original search and googled “Are crotches hotter than legs?” and then Victor walked in and was like, “What in the hell are you doing?” and I was all, “I’m doing research.” And he looked at me and I added “For science.” And then I realized that he probably thought I meant “hot” as in “sexy” rather than temperature so I clarified by saying “FOR FURNITURE” and then he was like, “You know what? Fine. Don’t tell me,” and he huffed off.
Google knew I was serious though so it took me straight to Webster’s online dictionary which gave me a sneak preview which said something like “bedacause it’s hotter than a crocodile crotch out side!”
And that’s disconcerting because that’s not even how you spell “because” or “outside”, Webster’s. You’re a goddam dictionary for God’s sake. Sort yourself out.
Anyway, my point is that I have no idea if crotches are hotter than legs because the internet is unhelpful and just brings up more questions than answers. Like, why would a crocodile have a hot crotch? Aren’t reptiles cold-blooded? That metaphor isn’t even scientifically viable.
And this is what it’s like in my head all the time.
PS. In fairness, I just looked at Webster’s and at first I was a bit defensive because it asked, “What made you want to look up crotch?” and I was like, “Don’t judge me. You’re the one spelling ‘because’ wrong, but then I looked further and apparently the crocodile nonsense was wording from a comment from someone answering why theywere looking up “crotch”. And then I noticed the comment above it, which read:
“I was talking to my son and told him to place a sheet of paper he was cutting in the “crotch” of the scissor blades. Somehow I got the idea that it meant any place of forking.”
And then I wondered if I was the only person messed up enough to think this was unintentionally funny. I don’t think so. It’s forking hilarious. I left a reply. “While I agree that most forking does happen in the crotch, I think the word you’re looking for is ‘scissoring’ but I could be wrong.”
(And if you get that joke I apologize. I also apologize if you don’t get that joke. Honestly, I think my use of “could be” is a bit too generous.)
PPS. This is all true. It’s far too weird to make up.