The science of crotches

So I saw this picnic table/bench that works like a mood ring in that it turns a different color whenever you apply body heat to it.


It’s interesting in theory but in practice it seems sort of gross because typically I think crotches are a higher temperature than the rest of your body so you’d have extreme booty marks on your furniture and I don’t know who wants that.  Plus, if you were wearing a maxi pad the table would totally be like, “YOOOOO THIS BITCH IS TOTALLY BLEEDING OUT HER LADY GARDEN” because I’m pretty sure the pad would deflect the heat and make it look like you don’t even have a vagina.  Once again, you ruin everything, menstruation.

But then I thought, wait…is that right or am I justassuming crotches run at a higher temperature?  Because it feels like basic logic that they’re like a heat exhaust vent sent since they have holes in them, but heat rises so technically maybe your crotch heat moves up into your head, which would make your head the hottest part of your body and would explain why people always say to wear a hat because heat escapes most from your head. I don’t know if it’s displaced junk heat but that would make sense and also I think it means we’re sort of checking crotch temps whenever we feel someone’s forehead to check for fever.

I decided to Google if crotches were naturally higher in temperature than the rest of your body but when I typed: “Are crotch” it auto-filled to “Are crotch rockets safe?” and I’m just going to go out on a limb and say “You have to wear safety goggles just to lighta rocket.  Do not attach them to your delicate dangly bitsWhat is even wrong with you?”  But then I clicked on the link and turns out that “crotch rockets” is slang for “motorcycles”.  And that was a small relief because otherwise I think I would have been on the weird side of the internet again (like yesterday when I was looking for sweatpants that have elastic on the ankles because you never see those anymore) and Google images was like, “OH, HERE” and it gave me a bunch of pictures of sweatpants for sale and also this:


And I was like, “WTF, Google?  One of these things is not like the other.”  But in Google’s defense they are listed as “sweat pants” and that sort of makes sense because my first thought was “My God, I bet that’s sweaty.  I can smell that guy’s junk from here and it smells like NOPE.”  Then I rolled my curser over the picture it says: “BRAND NAME MAN PANTIES” and I’m not a big fan of the word “panties”, but the phrase “man panties” sort of sings and is my new go-to phrase for whenever I see something totally fucked up. Like, “Hey did you see that someone invented furniture that lets you finger-paint with your vagina heat?  That shit’s man panties.”

I went back to my original search and googled “Are crotches hotter than legs?” and then Victor walked in and was like, “What in the hell are you doing?” and I was all, “I’m doing research.”  And he looked at me and I added “For science.”  And then I realized that he probably thought I meant “hot” as in “sexy” rather than temperature so I clarified by saying “FOR FURNITURE” and then he was like, “You know what?  Fine.  Don’t tell me,” and he huffed off.

Google knew I was serious though so it took me straight to Webster’s online dictionary which gave me a sneak preview which said something like “bedacause it’s hotter than a crocodile crotch out side!”

And that’s disconcerting because that’s not even how you spell “because” or “outside”, Webster’s. You’re a goddam dictionary for God’s sake.  Sort yourself out.

Anyway, my point is that I have no idea if crotches are hotter than legs because the internet is unhelpful and just brings up more questions than answers.  Like, why would a crocodile have a hot crotch?  Aren’t reptiles cold-blooded?  That metaphor isn’t even scientifically viable.

And this is what it’s like in my head all the time.

PS. In fairness, I just looked at Webster’s and at first I was a bit defensive because it asked, “What made you want to look up crotch?” and I was like, “Don’t judge me.  You’re the one spelling ‘because’ wrong, but then I looked further and apparently the crocodile nonsense was wording from a comment from someone answering why theywere looking up “crotch”.  And then I noticed the comment above it, which read:

“I was talking to my son and told him to place a sheet of paper he was cutting in the “crotch” of the scissor blades. Somehow I got the idea that it meant any place of forking.”

And then I wondered if I was the only person messed up enough to think this was unintentionally funny.  I don’t think so.  It’s forking hilarious.  I left a reply.  “While I agree that most forking does happen in the crotch, I think the word you’re looking for is ‘scissoring’ but I could be wrong.”

(And if you get that joke I apologize.  I also apologize if you don’t get that joke.  Honestly, I think my use of “could be” is a bit too generous.)

PPS.  This is all true.  It’s far too weird to make up.

131 thoughts on “The science of crotches

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Why does he look like he’s wearing a black truffle in his pants? That can’t be a healthy set of man-bits with all those lumps.

  2. My head is spinning. And I’m glad I don’t have a drink handy because I’d have spit it all over everything, snort-laughing.

  3. LOL! I’m no arborist or anything, but I know that trees can have crotch-rot, a condition I would not suggest googling. Speculation, however, is fine.

  4. Just imagine Victor’s expression if he had come in earlier when you were looking at the man panties!

  5. Imagine coming upon those sweat pants minus covering of the butt cheeks in public after 30+ hours of a relay run. Our team was finishing up our last leg of hood-to-coast when we saw a runner up ahead with what we thought were fake butts (lots of costumes on this course). We were laughing and applauding the efforts until we got closer and realized that no, it was literally his hairy ass hanging out while he was running. As we passed him, we saw the front you displayed above. Our laughs turned into spicy eyes and burned images we will never forget. NOT pleasant but appreciated your post that much more. Fingers crossed we don’t see him again on the course this year…

  6. I thought I was the only person uncomfortable with the word “panties.” Thanks, once again, for making me feel less alone.

  7. Whoever invented that picnic set has waaay too much time on their hands.
    From now on, when I see someone losing their shit, I’ll know to gesture their way, tap my temple, and say with a knowing nod, “Crotch heat.”
    If I was at the gym – unlikely – and someone walked in wearing those faux leather sweats, I’d have to either get their autograph or phone in a Florida Man sighting, depending on the tattoo situation.
    The Internet has no non-weird side.

  8. From a random webpage and an self-proclaimed expert:
    “The temperature depends on the blood flow, the more blood flowing to a particular part the more warmer will it become.The hottest parts of our body are:
    1. Head.
    2. Armpits.
    3. Genital territory.
    4. Chest.”

  9. In case I wasn’t sure that I loved you…. this post. Now, I’m forking sure.

  10. The man’s faux leather body suit is too creepy! That’s all I have to say

  11. You definitely lose a lot of heat from your head, especially if you’re bald. I remember when my sister was born, she was super underweight (despite being full term) and the doctors told my mom to keep her wrapped up warmly (despite it being frigging August in Texas, when it’s hotter than a whore’s crotch when’s she got herpes) and make sure she always had a hat on because she was going to have trouble maintaining her own body heat due to her size.

  12. I wonder if they make special trivets for that picnic table? Or place your hot food on the surface so that it spells out SOS so folks above you know you could use some assistance? And, yikes, that poor young man needs to see a doctor about the suspiciously large lumps in his brand name man panties.

  13. This is all FORKING HILARIOUS! Jenny, you’ve mastered the power of word choice AND the pun. Now I wish I could come up with a clever pun about scissoring, but my 5 year old is looking over my shoulder, and even though he can’t read yet, I feel like he’s judging me 🙂

  14. I guess if you REALLY wanted to know, you could go to a hardware store and buy one of those laser things that are used to find studs (read that any way you want), which displays as a digital temperature. I like to use one to see how hot my cats are- a WAY less invasive way to get their temps if I think they’re sick. These things aren’t very expensive anymore- and they can be used as a laser pointer cat toy, too!

  15. That bench is worse than the airport xray screening booths. I really don’t appreciate total strangers knowing that much about my insides. But lovin’ the “sweat pants”. Its about time men had to wear something that approximates the uncomfortability of high heels that rub or a thong that won’t stay in place.

  16. Sitting in the doctor’s office waiting for the face medicine to dry, and have tears running down my face from laughing, also not really appropriate in the doctor’s waiting room. Hope the procedure works… But totally worth it. Love you Jenny.

  17. I heard someone describe wearing pantyhose as like having a hot, moist hand in your crotch. My mom thought that was hysterical.

  18. omg, I just realized we would never know when the Dictionary has a TYPO!! Are there typos in the Dictionary? HOW WOULD WE KNOW??
    Also, that table is the worst idea ever.

  19. I’m guessing the guy in the sweatsuit that looks like it’s made from material that wouldn’t breathe if it’s life depended on it, has swamp crotch ( it doesn’t involve crocodiles or alligators). Clearly he has forgotten about washing and drying and powdering his man parts which are clearly bathing in his own sweat and have turned into ball-balloons. He would definitely leave an interesting imprint on the mood table and possibly a lingering odour.

  20. Ok, so I am sitting with my husband in his hospital room counting down the hours til I can bust him out of here and I tried to read this out loud to him but it took a very long time because I had to pause several times because I was laughing too hard for him understand what I was saying. And so then I had to wait until I could get a grip on myself and back up and read that part again. And then I had to wipe away tears from laughing so hard. And this happened more than once. Way more than once. And I was very afraid that the nurse was going to come in to see what the all ruckus was about right aboutthe time I was saying something like “crocodile’s crotch” or “man panties”. But we finally got through it.
    You. Are. Awesome. And. Hilarious.

  21. Oh my dog. Lol!!

    A med change is kicking my butt and I needed to read this hilarity. 🙂

  22. I think it’s time to deploy an instant read kitchen thermometer. Think of all the body parts we need to check for comparison purposes (with the crotch of course.) And when you are done, just put it back in the drawer for the next time you need to calibrate the internal temperature of a roasted turkey.

  23. The testicles are usually kept a degree or two cooler than body temperature to keep the sperm from dying. At least that is the case in veterinary medicine, maybe it’s different in human medicine.

    Also, while we’re on the topic, do you know the main purpose of the scrotum? It’s to move the testicles closer or further away from the body in order to make sure the sperm are kept at this optimal slightly cooler temperature. That’s why they are hanging in the breeze instead of conveniently and safely tucked away inside.

  24. I’m pretty sure there is a research project here to answer your questions. My question is can farts vary in temperature depending on what you’ve eaten?

  25. ahhh Jenny ~ I have been dealing with plumbers, removal of all my “valuable” crap and new flooring persons ~ water heater (only 19 years of age and heavy usage) got religion and attempted to baptize (not a Methodist sprinkle but a full Southern Baptist immersion) a portion of our home almost 2 months ago. I needed this article today!!!! Love hearing from you! thank you for sharing your tales of “whatever”!!!

  26. I’m kinda ignoring the rest of, well, everything, but lululemon sells sweatpants with elastic on the bottom. Do a search for any of their “jogger” styles. I have the align joggers, most comfy pants ever, but they do give me massive cameltoe (I ordered them online final sale) so I will have to wear super long tops with them at all times. Unless cameltoe suddenly comes into style and it’s something I want to show off as a 40-sometime-year-old woman? Um. I’m thinking long tops it is.

  27. I believe a man’s testicles are a few degrees cooler than the penis… something about not frying the fragile little sperms? (Just so you know, autocorrect says that “sperms” with an “s” at the end is a word.)
    I think for myself, my cookies run at a higher temperature. So, if I sat on the desk, it might look like giant Honey Smacks. TMI, I know. 🙃

  28. I went to our friend Wikipedia, and looked up Human Body Temperature. There’s a whole section on different places to take a person’s temp, and, in addition to some you’ve probably guessed there are: In the ear, in the nose, in the vagina, and in the bladder. I can’t imagine why anyone would take a nose temp, or any of the others for that matter, but I’m guessing it’s because they’re a sadist.

  29. The rectum and under the tongue are the hottest parts of the human body accessible without surgery, which is why that’s where thermometers are placed (not sequentially) (well, sequentially with tongue first would probably be OK) but the hottest part of the human body that’s easily accessible is the armpit. How you’re going to get your armpit on the table is a rude question I’m not going to attempt to answer. Although I CAN think of some answers.

  30. So, fun fact: dangly bits are actually slightly lower in temperature than your core body temperature! That’s actually why testes dangle, why everything down there shrinks when it’s cold, and why sperm counts can go down if they wear tight pants or underwear. So dangly bits would probably look a little cold compared to the legs.

    It’s pretty unlikely, though, that a vulva would be either high or lower in temperature than nearby areas (like the legs). The pad could definitely be visible in such a table, because it adds some insulation and would look like a pad-shaped cold spot. But the vulva itself should be about the same temperature as its surroundings, most of the time. The outer parts might get a little bit hotter when you’re aroused, because of the increase in blood flow to the area, but I’m not sure how visible that will be because it’ll just bring the vulva closer in temperature to your core body temperature. If you’re sitting, your butt should already be really close to your core body temperature after a little bit of time just because it’s insulated (unless you’re sitting on something like a metal bench that just keeps sucking your body heat away like a goddamned heat vampire…).

    Menstruation might show on a pad, though, if the pad was soaked through to the plastic lining. That’d be fun. Of a sort.

  31. When my son was little he wanted to wear panties like his older sister (I hate the word “panties” too, but it’s adorable when your two year old says it). We explained that he gets to wear “man panties”, which have a penis pocket. He’s 8 now and we still call them man panties (my husband wears man panties too, but not like the ones shown here!), and I plan to for as long as possible!

  32. Last year, my mother-in-law pointed out some rare bird sitting in a tree where two branches meet.

    My husband took the binoculars from her and tried to see the bird, but couldn’t spot it.

    His mother assessed the situation and said, “No, honey. You’re looking in the WRONG CROTCH.”

    I gulp-laughed so loud and for so long that my father-in-law suggested to my husband that I might need to be put down.

  33. Whaaaattttt the fudge?!?! I’m not even sure how to process the “mood desk” let alone the faux leather “ball sack sweat pant” thing…..

  34. Jenny Blogness, I found your blog by googling “forking”. You must have some unusual algorithms working for you.

  35. Official scientist here – body temp is body temp so in general, the temp from your arm pit/butt/crotch/under your tongue should be pretty similar, although perhaps more sweaty?

  36. In response to Anonymous #4 – works the same way in humans which is why they tell guys who want to have kids to wear boxers. The sperm get too hot in tidy whities.

  37. This post has to go into the Bloggess-Classic file. What on earth did we do before you?

  38. WAIT! Did that person intend “place of forking” as in a “fork” in the road, like where one thing diverges into two? Did they mean their scizzors blades “fork”? As in a verb? Is “to fork” a valid verb? So confused

  39. You could probably do one oft hose medical test where they coat you in powder, stick you under lights, and ask embarrassing questions to see which part of you sweats first…

  40. Did you find the Sweats? I tried looking for some and couldn’t find any. I hate when sweats keep inching up my leg when I’m lying on the couch. I’ve tried tying it with ribbon…didn’t work. “Sigh”

  41. i have to wonder what it would look like after farting. that has to come out hot…. right?
    that furniture is all man panties. or FUBAR…

  42. To be honest, I was not totally sure how you were going to make the leap between the mood desk and crotch science, but I was definitely here for it.

    The “sweat pants” image cannot be unseen. It is burned into my retinas. I will go home and make dinner for my tiny little dog, and all I will see is… faux leather. Amazon’s search engine isn’t any better, though. I was looking for a long, black raincoat that covers my shorts so that I don’t look like I have peed myself on rainy days. Amazon gave me… black plastic trash bags.

    For the record, Sam needs to know that crocodile crotches, such as they are, are NOT hot unless the animal has been laying on a hot rock. Most of the time, they are much cooler than our body temperature. Sam’s statement worried me because I am afraid he has been around some very, very sick (read: dead and baking) crocodiles.

  43. For what it’s worth, not every motorcycle is a crotch rocket– that term is reserved for the small, high-powered ones that you see riders practically laying down on in order to ride. My husband, who is both a biker and a hospice chaplain, did his internship as a hospital chaplain. The emergency medical workers call folks who ride crotch rockets “organ donors,” because a disproportionate number of them end up that way.

  44. I seriously lol’d at my work desk. Also: Walmart has sweatpants with the elastic at the ankle (I know because I had to buy them for my mom when she was sick.)

  45. All I know about lady gardens is mine sweats a lot. As far as balls go, I thought they were outside the body because they need to by slightly cooler than inside the main part of the body. Technically though, a man’s crotch would be the taint under the balls, where the legs meet. After all, balls aren’t between the legs, they’re in front. And that’s entirely too much thought about balls.

  46. I wanted to put The Viking in a headlock once because he was ruining my Potato Salad with VooDoo but when I googled how to do a headlock, it showed men wrestling in Man Panties and I thought there was no way that I could wear that outfit with any kind of dignity. Besides, The Viking would get suspicious when he saw me wearing those Man Panties and probably wouldn’t turn his back so I could get a good headlock on him. He’s a suspicious guy sometimes. I decided to get my own VooDoo going and now we occasionally have Competitive VooDoo when we’re annoyed with each other.

  47. Again — scientifically speaking — it’s your vulva, and not your vagina (which is internal), that would leave a heat-print on the picnic bench.

  48. I love the way your mind works! (But I’m kinda glad I don’t have to live there.)

  49. I hate the fact that sweat pants with elastic on the legs is hard to find. The WalMart ones were too bulky for me.

    Also, commenter #18….. genital territory made me LOL. And made me think of the wild west????

  50. I have GOT to stop reading this blog at work. Seriously, the looks I am getting!! But never change dear Jenny, never change!!

  51. Have you ever googled something and gotten so far out on a limb that google stopped auto filling and just backed slowly away? I have. It was during a family discussion about the fact that sharks are fish, but none of us could ever recall watching a nature special about sharks laying eggs. So I googled “Do sharks have…” and google is with me offering “feelings” “infinite teeth” etc. so I’m typing
    “Do sharks have v”
    and google went radio silent.
    But I finished my search query “Do sharks have vaginas?” and I got a page all about the VAGINA SHARK and learned that day that some people sometimes post false shit just to fuck with you. Sharks don’t have vaginas. For heaven’s sake. I turned to the ever reliable Wikipedia and learned that shark eggs hatch inside the mom and then swim out?
    This is why I’m a people doctor. Animals are far too complicated.

  52. I just cannot even begin to express how much these posts mean to me! You make me laugh when I need to laugh, think when I need to think, cry when I need to cry…. you are the shit, Jenny. I adore you!!

  53. Toybox time! While the IR thermometers are okay, you’ll have a lot more fun with a thermal imaging camera. They’ve dropped in price from “mortgage the house” to less than the price of a smartphone. FLIR and Seek both have models that use an Android or iPhone for the processing and display. Imagine the fun you could have…
    Source: Yeah, I’ve got one. I’m an electronics nerd and I “needed” it (really!).

  54. I didn’t know this is what I needed today, but here we are. Now I’m wondering if you could tell what types of underwear people are wearing… worst day ever to have to go commando because you’re behind in laundry, not that that has ever happened to me…

  55. Ok, this was all hilarious, but also in case it’s still helpful and someone else hasn’t already answered, sweatpants with elastic at the bottom are now called “joggers”. I know because I wear them all the time because they make them with pockets. All of you other suburban moms can keep your pocketless leggings and yoga pants – I will have my phone in my joggers pocket. And tissues because I have toddlers.

  56. Hmmm…for someone who tries very hard to fart quietly…this is nothing but a piece of crappy furniture that is waiting to OUT me! NO THANK YOU TO THAT!! I’ll keep my privates private for all the right reasons;)

  57. Hi y’all! In theory I like the sound of Lady Garden. But when I think more analytically about it, Lady Garden sounds as if there’s a lot of stuff growing in there! I hate to think of the possibilities:( Fungus, worms, stink weeds, and on and on. I don’t think I like the term Lady Garden

  58. OMG I love your blog but this…THIS is the way my head works, and the reason if I’m ever arrested it will be for weird random research.

  59. I just… I can’t even. 😂😂😂

    Rock on, Jenny. Love ya!!

  60. Out of curiosity, I Googled “Is the crotch hotter than the head?”

    It returned articles on lightning crotch, which doesn’t sound pleasant, either.

  61. Check the Serengeti catalogue. I think they have sweatpants with cuffs at the ankle.

  62. Infrared images say groin but not junk is slightly warmer than rest of body. BUT, when aroused man and woman groinal zones gets heated. So, the furniture needs a simple warning label, as follows. IF HORNY, STAY WELL BACK.

  63. OH MY GOODNESS– JENNY, as always I love how your brain works. (even tho it turns on you quite often) when I read your stuff it always makes me not only laugh but soooo happy that mine is not the only one that goes on such a tangent. #18 Crotch Territory made me think of the old Wild West… and that might be the new name of my “lady garden” As always— never ever ever stop sharing.

  64. I was so consumed by all the comments, I forgot to leave a comment last night. There were several places in this post that I laughed out loud. Good stuff!

  65. When my son was an adolescent, we went to Walmart for a few things including underwear for him. I asked him what type he wants, & then I stumbled over my words, because his 3 older sisters & I were always on the same page about what they were called.
    He saved my fumble by confidently announcing that he prefers the term “man panties”. That was in 2001, & I’m still cracking up about it

  66. Hot? Check out Robin Williams (damn, I really miss him) in Good Morning, Vietnam.

    (or search for youtube Robin Williams hot)
    “…crotchpot hot…”
    WAIT! I just did a search on “crotchpot”. There IS one. It’s designed to let you cook with your body heat. NOT kidding. Check it out yourself. I’m busy deleting my search history.

  67. Clearly this isn’t the point of the post (which was hilarious!), but what they now call “joggers” might be the sweatpants you seek…

  68. You are internationally witty with “man panties.” I’ve been watching the Great British Baking Show (original Paul-Mary-Mel-Sue version ONLY) and I love it when one of the bakers says their biscuits/ bread/ cake/ whatever is turning out “a bit pants.”
    Then I remembered that they say trousers for pants and pants for underwear, just another in the long list of cookie/ biscuit/ fries/ chips/ chips/ crisps folderol.
    And there’s another word gift.


    Jenny, you are a goddess among wordsmith. I must work this into conversation soon.

  70. O Thank you thank you thank you,Jenny. The world is a better place because you are in it and graciously share your weird wonderful mind with us.

  71. For the record, I just today realized that every one of your posts is just as entertaining as Beyonce the Chicken and have decided to never miss one of them again. I think you could be my favorite human of all time, but I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t share that with my son or my boyfriend 😁

  72. Public Service Announcement for all of those with overly warm or sweaty Lady Gardens or under-boobage: The cure is Lady Anti-Monkey Butt! It’s real and it works! Alternatively, Monistat Anti-chafing gel (which goes on as a gel then turns to powder) to stay dry and comfy! I LOVE spreading the word about these things! My life got better when I discovered them! You’re welcome.

    My sister and I have always called them “underlovelies” instead of panties.

  73. I am sending a link to this post to everyone I have ever met. You are awesome.

  74. Oh my gosh, I never even thought about the entertainment value. Buy this franchise ASAP, you will make millions at frat houses and bars where guys can have contests for whose farts are the hottest. Now with scientific scoring!

  75. It blows my mind that someone put effort into making that thing and advertising that thing…and yet here I am at work trying to motivate myself to open my email. And for reals—big crotch marks? Not exactly creating an atmosphere!

  76. FYI, they have sweatpants with elastic on the ankles at Target, in the men’s section. Not that this was the point of this post, but still important.

  77. So in a related story, my husband I graduated high school in the early 90s. At the time he was really into Hyper Color tshirts. His high school girl friend got him a pair of hyper color shorts. Bad Plan. For those of you who are too young to remember hyper color tshirts, they were one color, but as you wore them and they got hot, they turned another color, usually a neon color. So he wore his hyper color tshirt and hyper color shorts one day. Then he and his girl friend were wrestling on the floor for about 30 seconds. Her mom comes into the room, so he stands up. Except his shorts were NEON PINK around his crotch. This is why hyper color shorts were a bad idea. I think these desks are a bad idea as well. Same reason.

  78. Hello! “Well, Actually” Guy here!
    “Crotch rocket” is a term usually applied to mini-motorcycles. If you ever see those tiny motorcycles that have the rider almost ass to the ground, you’ve witnessed a crotch rocket.

  79. My gawd, that was a hysterical post, and honestly shocked that you had no idea “crotch rocket” was a motorcycle…I mean….come on Jenni!!

  80. If that picture is “sweat pants” ….well they’re right. There’s 40% less fabric than I would have expected out of sweat pants.

  81. If you’d like to sing it, “crotch rockets” fits neatly into the hot pockets jingle. (Sorry. That’s what it’s like inside my brain.)

  82. Where is Bill Nye when you need him? Thank you Jenny for making me laugh so hard at 4 a.m. during a bout of insomnia! This shit is man’s panties!

  83. I think someone should test the man panties on the mood table. You know, for science.

  84. I’ve been laughing so hard, my nose is running and my husband got the giggles because i was trying to read it out loud and kept laughing and crying – best laugh I’ve had in at least a year!! Thank you so much.

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