I have some regrets

A few weeks ago I was in Kansas City and I went to a bunch of antique shops and thrift stores and that’s when I met this fellow:

Squirrel Haggard

My first thought was, “Who hurt you?” and my second thought was that this squirrel was a near perfect representation of me whenever I see someone I know in public while I’m still wearing my pajamas and a plastic banana clip from 1994.

I’m not sure what it was once holding in its arms but it looks almost exactly like me that time I lugged a 5 gallon tub of ice cream out of the freezer at 3am but then Victor walked in and scared me and I dropped it all over the kitchen floor.

When you wave your dripping hands in front of the automatic paper towel dispenser but nothing comes out.

In the end I did not buy it because it was over $100 but I keep going back to the pictures I took on my phone and I’m pretty sure I made a terrible mistake and I don’t remember which store this one was so if you happen to be in Kansas City and see me in squirrel form, please drop me a line and remind me where I am.

85 thoughts on “I have some regrets

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Do you have location data enabled on your phone for photographs? If so, the location would be in the photo’s metadata.

  2. I live in KC and will do my very best to find this squirrel for you. But just based on the pics/background it looks like that might be the River Market Antique Mall

    Also, why were you in KC? Did I miss something cool? I feel like I must have D:

    (That name sounds familiar so it’s definitely one I went to. We were there to pick up Hailey from summer camp. ~ Jenny)

  3. I have a real stuffed squirrel. I’m a little obsessive about squirrels but mine doesn’t look quite right around the mouth. I call him Buddy and I like to put him on my kid’s bedroom floor, so when they wake up ..well you can guess.

  4. Oh my lord. Squirrel Haggard.

    BTW, I just finished listening to your first book so this post was extra funny.

  5. I have envy of your taxidermy naming abilities. I have a 70 year old golden eagle in my library who desperately needs a name. She was stuffed using arsenic, so I have to remind students not to lick her.

  6. Oh, it’s Haggard the Horiffied! Poor guy. I bet he use to hold an acorn, but if you can track him down, you could get a tiny plastic model of an ice cream bucket (like the kind they put in dollhouse kitchens), and make him hold the ice cream, just like you did 😉

  7. I can’t remember how big a squirrels eyes are supposed to be, but this one looks like they’ve seen some shit in their day!

  8. This is exactly what I look like when I wake up in the morning for work. I think he may even represent us all. You should fly back to Kansas City immediately and save our hero!

  9. It looks like that prehistoric squirrel who can never seem to hang onto his prehistoric acorn in the Ice Age animated movies. I feel bad for him. Does he have just one tooth? And what’s with the string manacle on his foot? Even with one tooth, I think he could gnaw through that and make his escape.

  10. You need that squirrel! We could GoFundMe $100 in ten minutes!
    In fact, you should set up a perpetual Jenny’s Taxidermy Fund.

  11. I am mad at the likes of old Haggard these days because they won’t leave my walnut trees alone so I think you’re better off without him. I’m with Victor on this one.

  12. $100 for a dead squirrel?!? I can find a nice specimen along the roadside and stuff it for much less. (Keeping the meat as a snack helps offset the cost of the salt.)

  13. I can well understand the regret. Perhaps it was the right thing to do. Someone else will get the enjoyment of that very cute squirrel.

  14. Oh man! I’m in south kc, not many good antique places here. Lawrence, ks is a good one for antiquing (and nearer your daughter’s camp I think!) Plus you never know what a weird hippy town (lawrence) will have in it. If I see a weird squirrel…. I’ll let you know

  15. Squirrel Haggard! I love it! I don’t think there has ever been a better name for one of your discoveries (although you are particularly talented at naming things.)

  16. This looks like me when I spend over $100 on a stuffed squirrel and my husband looks at the bank account!!
    😳😳😳😳

  17. Poor creature. Why is there a string tied to his right ankle? And also, why all the equally Haggard “vintage” jewelry, and why would anyone trying to sell it display it with a dead squirrel?

  18. Maybe the empty arms can be explained with that beloved line from Dirty Dancing: I carried a watermelon.

    It’s a metaphor for many of my own experiences.

  19. So sorry squirrel! but you look too funny.. I had this quilty awkward laugh for few minutes.., mostly awkward..

  20. Put a little wooden bowl in his hands:
    “Please Sir…I want some more”

  21. I’m so sorry for that poor thing. And I have questions: Did it look like that before it died, or is that just the saddest taxidermy job that ever happened?

    Either way, it feels like a grand injustice has been done this poor animal, and there could be a million country songs it could write if it could ever use its fingers again… and if it could write… and had an affinity for country music …. and was alive.

  22. I think she (?) looks that way because someone squeezed her really hard thus causing her eyes to bulge and her teeth to jut out. The limp paws are no doubt because she couldn’t breath. You could do better for $100!

  23. That looks like Noir Arts and Oddities or Oracle Natural Science. I’m close to both, I’ll go check! I’m so sad I missed you being in KC!

  24. That looks like Noir Arts and Oddities or Oracle Natural Science. I’m close to both, I’ll go check!

  25. I can see in the first picture that the string ‘manacle’ has a price tag dangling on the other end. If it’s meant to be, you will find each other again.

  26. Info needed about which area in kc!!!!! There are A Million miles of roads to search! I see there is already a tribe of hunters forming. I will join them. I live an hour east of kc. But we need an area to start. Did you go wandering about and end up an hour away? Info PLEASE!!!!

  27. Squirrel Haggard! That’s a riot! I would have gone with Squirrelly Temple (if it was female, which I can’t tell from the photos).

  28. What are you going to remember more at the end of the year? Spending that $100 on boring budget things? Or rescuing that poor squirrel and adding it to your menagerie? Because at this point you can start stacking them. Stacks of raccoons with a squirrel crown…

  29. Okay but no one is asking the important question…where in the hell do I get a five-gallon tub of ice cream?

  30. Leanne, commenter #14, I cannot NOT tell you that the eagle wants to be named Licky Gunvaldson.

  31. This is why every time I intend to spend just a few minutes online, it turns into hours. I couldn’t resist looking on eBay for stuffed squirrel and found some I just had to share…

    Apparently this one’s a bargain since it’s 3 for $99; but it appears this squirrel didn’t go down without a fight, even telling its hunter they’re #1….
    https://www.ebay.com/itm/Lot-Of-3-Taxidermy-Rabbit-piebal-Quail-And-Squirrel-Fliping-Bird/173972059878?hash=item28818af6e6:g:1iYAAOSwnIVdNKVQ

    I’m sure this guy’s relieved to know he was stuffed created in accordance with high environmental standards…
    https://www.ebay.com/itm/Taxidermy-squirrel-playing-Billiards-handmade-for-home-or-office/382990679075?hash=item592c05fc23:g:9uQAAOSwwR5c-AWV

    Who even knew stuffed squirrels flippin’ the bird was a thing?
    https://www.ebay.com/itm/The-Red-Squirrel-Flippen-Mount-Taxidermy-Decor/183893890321?hash=item2ad0ee1511:g:6p0AAOSwQ~FdNQFo

    And finally, no matter what time it is, it’s obviously way too late for this little fella:
    https://www.ebay.com/itm/GRAY-SQUIRREL-WITH-CLOCK-TAXIDERMY-MOUNT-MOUNTED-STUFFED-ANIMALS-FOR-SALE/163747588652?hash=item26201dea2c:g:OWYAAOSwLW5dDfxD

    You owe it to yourself to search ebay for “stuffed squirrel taxidermy”.

  32. He looks like he’s doing a hard poop. Perhaps he swallowed a nut shell and it’s passing.

  33. I think a majestic, fine old eagle stuffed with arsenic could possibly be named Old Lace. Or, perhaps, in this case, Gold Lace? M

  34. I was waiting in line in a restroom the other day and this lady was waving her hands in front of both paper towel dispensers and getting nothing. Finally she asked to wave my hand under it. I did and immediately a towel rolled out. Now I’m wondering do I have the magic towel touch or was she a ghost?

  35. Enjoyed your blogpost. I’m currently reading your book, Furiously Happy. I don’t tweet, but I’m here if you need to think of a peer in a moment of grippling ancxiety. Not sure if I spelled right.
    Best regards, Sonja. Ps. As I read in english I also start to think in english. Which is kind of funny. Does this happen to you while reading in some other language than your native language?

  36. Judging by the color of his teeth, I’d think the cause of death is lung cancer… looks like a two-pack-a-day smoker if I’ve ever seen one.

  37. How did you NOT buy that? Was it be kind to people named Victor day? And why would THAT stop you? Were you off your meds? That had to be it.

  38. Jenny: I just spotted this on FB today, but I think this may be too much fucked-up taxidermy even for you…at any rate, here it is: https://worldaroundewe.com (The FB picture was of a rabbit made into a toaster–I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP–but I don’t know if it’s for sale for it. Apparently he wanted to see if he could actually fit a toaster into a rabbit, and, well, apparently he did…)

  39. $100!?! That’s crazy money! I think you did the right thing leaving him. Besides, you have his picture for free! Think of all the space you could free up if you only took pictures of exciting items instead of buying them.
    No, this is not Victor posting under a pseudonym 🙂 Also, I am about 50% kidding. If you really love something, you should get it. On the other hand, you can’t buy every taxidermy animal. What’s the right phrase here… not “plenty of other fish in the sea”… maybe “plenty of other dead critters on sale”?

  40. So I’ve been having a total crappy stressful day and your comments about this lovely creature made me smile…which is pretty awesome cuz I was in the funky mood pretty deep. Thanks for the little mood booster.

  41. The arms, the bowed legs – I suspect that Squerrle was once attached to a branch, au naturel.

  42. Aw, you have to get that squirrel, it was meant to be. Someone else mentioned a GoFundMe, and I think that’s a great idea! We can help fund your taxidermy addiction. We owe it to you for all the laughs you give us regularly.

  43. Totally off-topic, but holy hell — I’m all caught up on your blog!! It took about 2 months to get through SEVEN YEARS, but I did it. Woo! I lost track of you will you were on your “Let’s Pretend” book tour… Cut to earlier this year when someone on an Avoidant PD group on Facebook asked if there are any famous people with the disorder. I thought that was a hilarious question because… well, CRIPPLING ANXIETY and FAME don’t exactly go hand-in-hand. Someone dropped your name and I was all, damn, “How did I miss that? Oh right, I wasn’t diagnosed yet when I was reading your blog, so it wouldn’t have meant anything to me even if I had read about it.” So I had to find the post where you talked about AvPD (2015) and then I tried to figure out just how long it had been since I read you (2012) and decided, fuck it – DEEP DIVE. Whew. It was fun! I look forward to staying on top of your writings again and finish your books because now I have all 3 and I actually feel like reading books sometimes occasionally randomly now. (My brain is weird and borken, duh.) <3

  44. Wait—I’m still back at the wearing of banana clips is not acceptable public attire. When did that shit happen? And then there’s the squirrel-that poor thing needs a good home. I hope you find it again Jennie.

  45. I mean I know I bothered you on Twitter but again I’m glad you visited Noir…even though I wasn’t there…and no one was there to faun over you. Fawn is the deer so it’s faun right?

  46. I’m reading your book….so I had to check out your blog. I’m LOL
    because I own 2 taxidermied squirrels! One lives in my Living Room,
    and the other in my Dining Room. & I so love Rory! I get it!

  47. Oh my shit — I did screenshots and texted to my friends on what we call our “blog” (to justify the amount of time we spend on it) and its eyes follow you as you look at it…

  48. I have always wanted to try this brand, because the dresses are gorgeous and made to fit! You know how it is for mom’s though- everyone and everything else comes before me. Ol’ Bottom of the totem pole, lol. Someday! You always look fabulous in yours, Jenny!

  49. And, because I am already having a shitty day, of course I commented on the wrong post…

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