Victor: I don’t even know why I’m asking this but why are you cutting up pantyhose?
me: Remember a few weeks ago when I was having sex with my cantaloupe plant?
Victor: Yep, and I just remembered why I don’t ask questions.
me: Well, it totally worked and now I’m a mother!
Victor: I think technically you’d be a father, but yeah, I know. You show me pictures of your cantaloupe every day.
me: This is the new me. Four months of not leaving the house. I’ve become that woman who takes beauty shots of her single cantaloupe.
Victor: Still not sure where the pantyhose comes in.
me: Well, last night that fat raccoon was in the backyard-
Victor: The one you tried to pick up because you thought it was a stray cat.
me: It was dark. Hailey thought it was a cat too. IT WASN’T JUST ME.
me: Anyway, I read that sometimes raccoons will cut a hole in your canteloupes and scoop out all the meat so I’m wrapping it up with panty hose. Raccoons hate pantyhose. Probably.
me: It feels weird though…putting lingerie on the plant I already impregnated.
Victor: Yeah. It’s…weird.
me: I mean, the order. Not the pantyhose. That’s pretty brilliant, I think.
me: Also, I saw these tiny webs on the leaves and the internet says that means it’s probably aphids so I just ordered 2,000 live ladybugs.
me: Because ladybugs eat aphids like crazy.
Victor: The same ladybugs that fly away immediately? Those are what you bought?
Me: Yes, BUT apparently if you put them in the fridge when they come in they get cold and lazy and that way when I release them they hang around longer. So don’t open any bags in the fridge unless you know for sure it isn’t bugs.
Victor: *internally weeping probably*
me: Also, I bought a tiny house for ladybugs to live in. So that’s good.
Victor: This is going to be the most expensive cantaloupe anyone has ever grown.
me: Which is why I have to wrap it in pantyhose so the raccoon doesn’t get it. You get me now?
Victor: Not even a little.