Victor: We should take Hailey to California for a weekend this year. They’d love the Monterey Aquarium.
me: Actually Hailey and I already talked about it and we want to go sleep in the Lizzie Borden Murder house. We know everything about it. It’s in Idaho.
Victor: The what now?
me: Or Iowa. No, Idaho. Fuck. It’s in Green River…Idaho? Or Green Falls…Iowa?
Victor: First of all, no one wants to spend a weekend in a murder house. Secondly, you don’t know everything about it if you don’t even know what state it’s in.
me: It’s in…Green River Falls, Idowa.
Victor: That’s not a real place.
me: Siri, where is it that Lizzie Borden may or may not have killed people? Hang on. Siri is giving me websites on wrongly accused murderers. So I guess we know where she stands.
Victor: It’s in Fall River, Massachusetts.
me: Huh. Well I got the Fall part right. And Massachusetts is right next to Iowa.
Victor: In what world is Massachusetts next to Iowa?
me: Oh. I meant Idaho.
Victor: ALSO NOT EVEN CLOSE TO MASSACHUSETTS.
me: Well where is Massachusetts? It’s on the right, right?
Victor: If by “right” you mean “East”?
me: Same thing. Plus, if we go to Massachusetts we can also go see where the Salem Witch Trials were. Unless…they weren’t in Salem, Oregon, right? Because that feels too far left but now I’m doubting everything.
Victor: How did you pass high school?
Me: I dunno. We weren’t required to take a Geometry class.
Victor: *stares at me* Say that again.
me: We weren’t required to take Geometry. I took Ag classes instead.
me: Oh fuck, Geography. Well, I didn’t fucking take either.
me: The sad thing is that I think I took my ADD meds this morning so this is me at my best.
Victor: The school system really failed you, didn’t it?
me: Maybe. But I can totally tell if your cotton crop has a weevil infestation.
Victor: Can you really?
me: Probably not.