So I picked up my mail at Nowhere but one piece was a card that was triple scotch taped all over the envelope and I was worried it was filled with glitter or cocaine or something else that would make a mess in the store so I opened it in my car and inside was a nice card and also this envelope:
And my first thought was that it was very kind that someone noted that it was *not poison* and then my immediate next thought was, this is definitely fucking poison. And in a way it would make sense because when I used to work in HR right after 9/11 we would get threats about people sending us anthrax in the mail and security was like, “If you get a letter and it’s excessively sealed up or has too much postage call us because it’s probably anthrax.” (Spoiler alert, it was never anthrax.) But even now if I suspect I’ve put too much postage on a card I always want to write “This isn’t anthrax. I just don’t know how many stamps to use” but then I don’t because Victor says that’s a good way to get arrested.
But this was an envelope inside of another envelope and this envelope was unsealed, which at first made me think it definitely wasn’t poison because then the poison would get everywhere, but then I realized that if it was poison and the poisoner probably wouldn’t lick the envelope because then their DNA would be on it and also probably because you shouldn’t lick an envelope filled with loose poison because that’s a good way to get dead.
And then I thought that if it was poison the poisoner wouldn’t write anything about it not being poison because that just makes it look suspicious, and also why would anyone lie about poison? But then I noticed that the word “poison” was misspelled so technically even if it was poison the attempted assassin was being honest because “posion” doesn’t even exist and so now I thought it was definitely poison and that I was dealing with a very honest but incredibly sneaky murderer.
So I didn’t open it and instead I put it on the dash because I figured if it was poison might as well spread it around the car, I guess, and then I could open it with gloves later but then halfway home I stopped too quickly and the envelope flew off the dash and I was like, “OMG THE POISON” but turns out that it was not filled with poison but was instead stuffed with lovely homemade stickers that were neither poison nor posion.
And everyone wins.
(Thank you for the stickers and for not poisoning me, Meghan.)