Not poison.

So I picked up my mail at Nowhere but one piece was a card that was triple scotch taped all over the envelope and I was worried it was filled with glitter or cocaine or something else that would make a mess in the store so I opened it in my car and inside was a nice card and also this envelope:

And my first thought was that it was very kind that someone noted that it was *not poison* and then my immediate next thought was, this is definitely fucking poison. And in a way it would make sense because when I used to work in HR right after 9/11 we would get threats about people sending us anthrax in the mail and security was like, “If you get a letter and it’s excessively sealed up or has too much postage call us because it’s probably anthrax.” (Spoiler alert, it was never anthrax.) But even now if I suspect I’ve put too much postage on a card I always want to write “This isn’t anthrax. I just don’t know how many stamps to use” but then I don’t because Victor says that’s a good way to get arrested.

But this was an envelope inside of another envelope and this envelope was unsealed, which at first made me think it definitely wasn’t poison because then the poison would get everywhere, but then I realized that if it was poison and the poisoner probably wouldn’t lick the envelope because then their DNA would be on it and also probably because you shouldn’t lick an envelope filled with loose poison because that’s a good way to get dead.

And then I thought that if it was poison the poisoner wouldn’t write anything about it not being poison because that just makes it look suspicious, and also why would anyone lie about poison? But then I noticed that the word “poison” was misspelled so technically even if it was poison the attempted assassin was being honest because “posion” doesn’t even exist and so now I thought it was definitely poison and that I was dealing with a very honest but incredibly sneaky murderer.

So I didn’t open it and instead I put it on the dash because I figured if it was poison might as well spread it around the car, I guess, and then I could open it with gloves later but then halfway home I stopped too quickly and the envelope flew off the dash and I was like, “OMG THE POISON” but turns out that it was not filled with poison but was instead stuffed with lovely homemade stickers that were neither poison nor posion.

And everyone wins.

(Thank you for the stickers and for not poisoning me, Meghan.)

66 thoughts on “Not poison.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I would totally buy any of those stickers if you put them for sale at Nowhere!

  2. I NEED these stickers! Well, not those exact ones, but ones created exactly like those! Get in touch with Hank at DFTBA and make this happen! Please?!

  3. This is the most insidious poison attack I’ve ever seen. Way to go “Meghan”. If something happens to Jenny we’re all coming for you. (Nice stickers by the way! Even if they turn out to be deadly, they’re pretty.)

  4. Now I will have a great day. Thanks Jenny. I don’t know if you live where there’s tornadoes but just in case. I hope you and your family are ok.

  5. Now I will have a great day. Thanks Jenny. I don’t know if you live where there’s tornadoes but just in case. I hope you and your family are ok.

  6. Cool stickers Meghan! And Jennie, good job not being poisoned.
    I’d seriously buy stickers like that if you sold them.
    OOOOHHHH!!!!!🤯 IDEA!!!!!
    Jennie, have something where people can respond with their favorite “Jennie book quotes”, have us vote, and then maybe the top 5 (or however many) get made into stickers? What do you think? I’ll buy a couple of each!

  7. I’m glad it isn’t poison or posion. Those stickers are the bomb though and might be dangerous if you take the phrase the bomb literally

  8. You routinely make my day. Your inner monologue feels so familiar. I’d say you complete me but then I’d worry it sounds all creepy. And I’m not creepy, just a huge fan (which feels a bit like the poisoner saying it’s not poison so I should just stop now). Plus I’m no Tom Cruise. But you do make my day. Often. 🙂

  9. Oh my gosh! I love these- I would so buy these stickers too if they were available!

  10. This just made me lol.
    And reminded me of a crazy story.
    Right after 9/11 my husband went to check the mailbox and seeing Anahuac on an envelope (he thought it said Anthrax…goofy guy) he threw it down and started stomping on it with his boot. (Did I mention he’s crazy?) Turns out it was a wedding invitation from our nephew in Anahuac, Texas. Thanks for the laugh. 🙌

  11. I really want the furiously happy sticker! Actually I need several of those!!!!!

  12. I love blog posts like this. Rambling musings of your mind make me smile (especially right now when I am trying to do my taxes).

  13. First of all, I’m so glad I’m not the only person with a brain that works like this. Makes me feel more understood
    Second, those stickers are freaking fantastic
    Thirdly, (wait.. should it be lastly? Is thirdly even a real word? I absolutely love the print on your dress. I have one in the same shade with bunnies and owls and birds from Eshakti and I love it

  14. Poisson is French for fish, so maybe they thought you had a seafood allergy?

  15. Just made my first pilgrimage to Nowhere (I do not live anywhere near Texas) and I would def by those stickers. Along with the pile of other treasures I picked up!

  16. But if it was poison, or worse – glitter, it would have gotten in all your car holes!! Open suspicious envelopes outside!!!

  17. I love how you think something potentially messy (glitter) would be better released in the car! Also on board for the sticker order

  18. 1) Jumping on the “I NEED THOSE STICKERS!!” bandwagon.

    2) Does this make anyone else think of the alleged LSD-Laced Rub-On Tattoos (aka, Blue Star Tattoos) from the 80s?

  19. @ the first ‘anonymous” – I was totally going to say the same thing:

    i would definitely buy those stickers! In fact, I’m jealous that they exist and I don’t have them!

  20. I’m so glad it wasn’t poison….
    I love the idea of selling your quotes on stickers. And commenter #13 Cory’s idea to have us fans vote on our favorite quotes by you is awesome!
    I need a “feeling a little bit stabby today” sticker.

  21. Now you’ve reminded me of that 80’s scare where stamps and/or stickers were laced with acid. I was pretty nerdy and not much in the drug loop, so I’m not sure if people WANTED the acid on these things or if it was to trick people into having unintended acid trips. So…seen anything really cool (like walls breathing or rainbow light trails) recently after messing with your “not anthrax” (but maybe acid) stickers?

  22. I love how just a simple ‘pick up the mail’ becomes this wild hilarious story with you. Glad you didn’t get poisoned, those stickers are awesome!

  23. Love the stickers, I need them desperately so please figure out how to sell them. Glad it wasn’t poison

  24. I would totally buy those stickers. Especially the I’m feeling stabby one. You absolutely make my day when I read your posts. Thank you.

  25. What if it’s a slow acting poison? What if it was poison but you didn’t get enough on you yet? What if it is poison, but you’re secretly immune to it for unknown reasons, and you’re at risk of exposing everyone else?!

  26. Jenny, you are a treasure. Just for future reference never put open/unsealed potentially laced poisonous objects on the dashboard where they could (and did) fly off.
    We need you to not die of poison or of anything else.
    Thank you for your attention to details, though.

  27. Your inner voice sounds so much like mine that it’s scary. You also sound like my friend Mandy, who I swear is not imaginary. We never knew there were others out there like us.

  28. I wonder whether poison or cocaine would be better. I am an 80’s gal, damnit!

  29. I really want to send you an enticing piece of taxidermy or a dress with pockets that says “poison” on it, to hear your brain fight with itself 🙂

  30. Need these stickers! Could it be in a future book club mailing or could we pay to add it to our book club mailing. Strangelings everywhere need these!

  31. Go to Etsy you look for Feelin Stabby Great Shop just ordered 2x in less than 2 weeks Good Luck

  32. Poison schmoison…you’re too tough to succumb to toxic baby powder.

  33. Please, please make these available! *Grabby hands!** I NEED these! Not for just me either but my sisters and best friend.

  34. Thank you for the laugh, Jenny, and thank you to the person who posted the etsy link on where one could buy the stickers. Stay vigilant. Anything triple taped could be poison. You were wise to err on the side of possible anthrax, although not so wise to put the envelope on the dashboard of the car.

  35. I must have these stickers! Also, I’m so happy for you that it wasn’t poison or posion!

  36. Love this. And I also want to publicly thank the amazing fantastic folk who have sent me letters, in case anyone happens to see this. I love them, I treasure them, and I’m working on creative and grateful replies. 💜💜

  37. Loved this post, the stickers, and another Meghann even if she’s missing the second n. 😉 I really want those stickers!

  38. The poison may be released when you peel off the back of the sticker.
    Also, while fantastic at sticker creation, I feel like Meghan has some explaining to do.
    Why the double envelope? Why all the tape? Why the poison (or not poison) notation?
    This feels like a trial run. Beware future deliveries.

  39. We came in to Nowhere this week during our spring break trip to San Antonio and it was great. I’m sorry I didn’t think to leave you any vaguely threatening envelopes. Next time!

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