So Victor was in California visiting some friends and he’s not a big drinker normally but he always drinks too much sake with them, so I was only slightly surprised by this text that came in that night.
Bit concerning…but all of his friends are much older than he is so I wasn’t afraid that they were out at some wild, midnight octogenarian party, but still a bit worried that he was somewhere in California drunkenly wandering the streets.
I reached out:
This is when I start to panic a little because I am a chronic over-worrier. I reach out again.
Gentle reader...he was not fimes.
No idea what that meant but I try to call and he doesn’t answer but instead sends this:
Which I assume means “Can’t answer because I’m in an Uber from San Francisco” but then he follows it with “Weird texts” like I’m the one sending the weird texts and at that point I’m certain he’s been kidnapped and was trying to signal for help but couldn’t type because his hands were tied behind his back and now the kidnapper has his phone and is like, “IT’S ALL GOOD HERE. DON’T SEND THE POLICE. I LOVE YOU. WE’RE FIMES.” And so I decided to respond with that quote from that Liam Neeson movie where his daughter gets kidnapped and he’s like, “I have a very specific set of skills and will rip your nut sacks off, kidnappers” because if it was just drunk Victor he’d think it was funny and if it was the kidnappers they’d be like, “HOW DID SHE KNOW?” but I couldn’t remember the exact quote so I googled it but then this came up:
And then I was like, “Is Liam Neeson missing kidneys? Or does he have too many?” and so I clicked on it and turns out it was Liam from One Direction that’s missing a kidney and I was a little pissed at google changing the subject when my husband’s life is on the line, but then the phone rings with a FaceTime call from Victor and I open it expecting to see either a kidnapper or Victor back in his hotel room but instead it’s Victor at a brightly lit Japanese restaurant surrounded by his sweet, smiling older friends all toasting me and it’s very sweet except that I am now on screen in front of mostly strangers while literally having a panic attack with bed-head and pajamas with no bra on and now I have to switch from angry Liam Neeson to happy wife who was not planning to murder their kidnappers but is maybe planning to murder her husband when he gets home for doing an unplanned FaceTime at midnight.
And when he got back home I had a talk with him about responsibility when drinking and he was like, “What are you talking about?” and I was like, “You can’t drink so much you can’t type. You’ll loose a kidney like Liam Neeson!” (I couldn’t remember the other guys name in the heat of the argument) and he was like, “I wasn’t even drunk” so I showed him the texts and he was like, “Oh. Wtf” and I was like, “EXACTLY” and he was like, “Well, you’re overreacting. Clearly I was fimes. I said so myself.” And honestly, I can’t argue with that.
But I can make him this t-shirt and insist he wear it next time he’s with his friends as a reminder to be kinder to his kidneys and to never FaceTime me without prior warning again.