I’m fimes.

So Victor was in California visiting some friends and he’s not a big drinker normally but he always drinks too much sake with them, so I was only slightly surprised by this text that came in that night.

Bit concerning…but all of his friends are much older than he is so I wasn’t afraid that they were out at some wild, midnight octogenarian party, but still a bit worried that he was somewhere in California drunkenly wandering the streets.

I reached out:

No answer.

This is when I start to panic a little because I am a chronic over-worrier. I reach out again.

Gentle reader...he was not fimes.

No idea what that meant but I try to call and he doesn’t answer but instead sends this:

Which I assume means “Can’t answer because I’m in an Uber from San Francisco” but then he follows it with “Weird texts” like I’m the one sending the weird texts and at that point I’m certain he’s been kidnapped and was trying to signal for help but couldn’t type because his hands were tied behind his back and now the kidnapper has his phone and is like, “IT’S ALL GOOD HERE. DON’T SEND THE POLICE. I LOVE YOU. WE’RE FIMES.” And so I decided to respond with that quote from that Liam Neeson movie where his daughter gets kidnapped and he’s like, “I have a very specific set of skills and will rip your nut sacks off, kidnappers” because if it was just drunk Victor he’d think it was funny and if it was the kidnappers they’d be like, “HOW DID SHE KNOW?” but I couldn’t remember the exact quote so I googled it but then this came up:

And then I was like, “Is Liam Neeson missing kidneys? Or does he have too many?” and so I clicked on it and turns out it was Liam from One Direction that’s missing a kidney and I was a little pissed at google changing the subject when my husband’s life is on the line, but then the phone rings with a FaceTime call from Victor and I open it expecting to see either a kidnapper or Victor back in his hotel room but instead it’s Victor at a brightly lit Japanese restaurant surrounded by his sweet, smiling older friends all toasting me and it’s very sweet except that I am now on screen in front of mostly strangers while literally having a panic attack with bed-head and pajamas with no bra on and now I have to switch from angry Liam Neeson to happy wife who was not planning to murder their kidnappers but is maybe planning to murder her husband when he gets home for doing an unplanned FaceTime at midnight.

And when he got back home I had a talk with him about responsibility when drinking and he was like, “What are you talking about?” and I was like, “You can’t drink so much you can’t type. You’ll loose a kidney like Liam Neeson!” (I couldn’t remember the other guys name in the heat of the argument) and he was like, “I wasn’t even drunk” so I showed him the texts and he was like, “Oh. Wtf” and I was like, “EXACTLY” and he was like, “Well, you’re overreacting. Clearly I was fimes. I said so myself.” And honestly, I can’t argue with that.

But I can make him this t-shirt and insist he wear it next time he’s with his friends as a reminder to be kinder to his kidneys and to never FaceTime me without prior warning again.

80 thoughts on “I’m fimes.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Holy sh*t, you make me laugh so hard I have to stop reading because I’m crying from the laughter.

  2. Thank you so much for this post today. I laughed SO HARD, and I really needed that today. I’m also a chronic over worrier, and my mom just started chemo today for uterine cancer today, so I’ve been a bundle of nerves. I’m so grateful for you, Victor being fimes, and your sense of humor today.

  3. I needed this laugh on this high pain level day. Earlier I used talk to text to mention new underwear. It was sent as “thunder wear”

  4. Thank you for this post today. I laugh SO HARD, and I really needed it. I’m also a chronic over worrier, and my mom just started chemo today for uterine cancer, so I’ve been a bundle of nerves. I’m so grateful for your sense of humor, for Victor being fimes, and your knack for storytelling.

  5. I haven’t been able to force myself out of bed today, I guess hubby got worried and asked if I was ok. If only I had texted “I’m fimes”. You may have successfully cheered me up enough to put away laundry

  6. I’m having a set printed now for me and the ladies. It will solve a lot of confusion when we get together. 😂

    Love you and all you share!

  7. If he woke up in a bathtub full of ice and strange stitches he would thank you for your concern.

  8. Dammit, I have to remember to both pee and make sure I don’t have a mouthful of coffee, BEFORE I read your posts… Or start wearing Depends and bibs. One of those. 😂😂😂

  9. I love the trips down the white-water rapids that are your stream of consciousness. Thankfully, I am experienced enough for the Class 5 rapids you have because they are similar to the ones I’ve been navigating since I was able to talk. People have no idea what a wild ride it is in my head. Lol

  10. This is a very difficult world to live in. People are struggling. I NEED EVERYONE TO BE FIMES.

    Actually, this reminds me of the time I tried to text “thank you” to my husband, and for reasons known only to the autocorrect gods, he instead got “Thai tit.”

  11. During a gathering with old friends I used talk to text to remind myself to read the book “how to hold onto your kids.” Siri helpfully said she would “remind me to hold on to my tits”. Drinking was involved and we were crying with laughter.

  12. Welp, I didn’t expect to frighten the post-docs in the office by laughing so loudly, but here we are…

  13. I’m pretty sure kidnappers won’t want his kidney or liver when they are so pickled from sake.
    My spouse would so not be “I’m fimes” if he FaceTimed me with his friends at midnight when I had bed head, pjs on and no bra on.
    I love the t-shirt!!

  14. So funny!!! My sister was waiting to hear from her lawyer. I, supportively, intended to text her- any legal progress?? What appeared on my text, however, was- any kegel progress? SIGH!!!

  15. Or, maybe he needs this shirt, which I bought my nephew who was always getting hurt doing dangerous things, but would say ” I’m fine ” even if his bones were poking out of his skin. Just change the spelling.


  16. It made me think he was using voice to text. Actually, I’m more wondering why you have 91 unread texts on your phone.

  17. From now until the end of my days, when my husband wants to know if something is wrong, I’ll simply answer “I’m fimes. It’s fimes. EVERYTHING IS FIMES…” and then collapse in a laughing convulsion that will indicate to him that everything is NOT, in fact, fimes.

  18. As a Directioner, it is my duty to report that Liam Payne is not missing a kidney. He was a preemie when he was born and one of his kidneys was not fully functional so he had to have intensive treatment for it as a kid. *insert ”the more you know” thing here*

  19. Thanks for the laugh, sorely needed. Glad it all worked out. This reminds me of a story that actor Richard Harris used to tell on himself; I had the pleasure of hearing it several times. Allow me to trade you a laugh for a laugh..
    At home in England, Harris told his wife he was going out for cigarettes. He got his cigarettes and a paper, and stopped to look at sports. One of his favourite teams was playing a football (⚽) match in Ireland, near his Irish residence. He saw that if he ran and caught the ferry right then, he could be there in time to attend the game, so on a whim, he did just that. Landed in Ireland, went to the game, had a great time, team won. Celebrated at the local pub, got roaring drunk, staggered home and congratulated himself for having a home so convenient to stadium and pub. Passed out.
    Woke up to his phone ringing. A local friend he’d seen at the game told him ‘Thank God you’re awake, I’ve been trying to call you. Your wife is on her way there, she’s been trying to find you and she’s furious, look out.’
    ‘Why did you tell her where I was?’
    ‘I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to. She said you went out for cigarettes yesterday morning and never came home, not a peep out of you since. She’s been worried sick.’ Oh, right, that. He thanked his friend and rang off.
    The next minute, there’s a banging on the door and it’s his wife, yelling. He would say, “So I opened the door and there she was, spitting mad. ‘There you are!’ she said. ‘What have you got to say for yourself??’ I said the only thing I could say: ‘Why didn’t you pay the ransom?'”

  20. “I’m fimes” has now entered my vocabulary along with “borken” and only fans of Jenny will understand. 💖

  21. I’m really glad that Victor made it home fime, despite the fact that his kidnappers disguised themselves as his sweet older friends for the sake of the Facetime call. Obviously you intimidated them enough to release Victor, pre-kidney harvest.
    Job well done!

  22. Sake gets you every time. I went to a book event after a sake-filled dinner with other publishing people and started hugging National Book Award winners (with permission) afterwards. Much hugging.

    Dude. No.

  23. So freaking hilarious and relatable! I once texted a friend while highly inebriated on Goose telling him “I’m so drunk and I don’t know where I am or where I’ve been.” 🤦🏻‍♀️😅

  24. If my husband read this he would turn toward me, nod emphatically, and give me knowing glances with raised eyebrows. You are not alone, precious worrier!

    Also this post made me think of Will Ferrell on SNL when he occasional acted out bits as Harry Caray particularly one of my favorites when he said, “ I guess I’m just a worrier, that’s why my friends call me whiskers.”

    We should have a Whiskers club 🤣


  25. I laughed so much I cried! But I’m fimes, you’re fimes, we’re all fimes!

  26. OMG!! I’m dying of laughter because while reading it I am imagining I’m right there with you watching this in person! I think you should totally make him that shirt…and a pajama shirt…and a sticker for his car…maybe a water bottle…and a coffee cup too! I rarely drink anymore, but I’ve had some really crazy texts thanks to autocorrect! This is awesome! Keep being awesome and sharing your world with us!!

  27. P.S. I scrolled down the page and saw your rooster pic for your shop. Every. Single. Time. I think of you and your rooster story whenever we see a rooster statue!

  28. My husband looks at me and says “see? I could be worse.”

    Sir. This is not a challenge.

  29. I have 2 question; why do the same bottles look like they are still full?

    And is the rule against unexpected FaceTime suspended if there are real kidnappers involved?

  30. I don’t know if you really grasp just how much you and Victor are the spirit animals of so many of us.
    I swear, my hubby said I have had so many similar situations/conversations. 😂. What I wouldn’t give for Ben and I to have tea with you and Victor, as they give each other sympathetic knowing glances and Wich they had beers, while we cackle madly and try to do British accents asking for a crumpet! 😂 (What IS a crumpet, anyway?)

  31. Talk to text can’t understand a southern accent on a good day much less an inebriated sake southern accent. Good lord!

  32. Not to mention…you can’t make this shit up, no one is that good 🤣

  33. I saw those full bottles of sake and figured he was just messing with you. Maybe for the kidney ransom.

  34. Our adult daughter went to Vegas with some friends a few years ago and one night she kind of dropped off the radar. I sent her a “Proof. Of. Life.” text and she responded, “Que, qre so hone.” Thinking she had been kidnapped by some foreign entity and this was a threat, I spring to Google and type it in the search bar. Google says, “Did you mean: ‘We, are so gone’?” Yes, Google. Apparently she did. Heart beating again I texted back, “Make sure to take two Tylenol before bed and drink plenty of water.” 😂

  35. “You can’t drink so much you can’t type. You’ll loose a kidney like Liam Neeson!” Holy crap that’s funny!!!!!!

  36. Your life stories make me laugh out loud! My husband was tipsy one time and I asked what he was talking about and he replied, xxcccuuzze (excuse) me. So that is how I say it now.. forever. I am glad Victor is in one piece. He’s your precious cargo.

  37. I kinda seriously want that shirt now. Another awesomely weird story from Jenny’s life, wow. My mom is in the hospital after a bad fall and I definitely needed some good ‘ol Jenny weirdness to lighten up my day!

  38. Was feeling very disconnected from life and this brought me back to reality with a laughing bump. Thank you! I am now fimes.

  39. If you ever come across someone with an extra liver, tell them I’ll take it. I’m fimes for now but will be needing one.

  40. This is Spot On the inner monologue of how my brain works! Hilarious 🤣

  41. And because of this post, my sisters and I have adopted the mantra “I’m fimes. It’s fimes. We’re all fimes.” Thank you! 🤣

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