Notes to myself, part 3

I’m still exploring the bizarre notes I seem to have left for myself on my phone. Most are ridiculous but I can still make some sense of them but today I’m sharing the baffling notes I left on my phone with no additional text that probably meant something at the time but are now secret codes I no longer have the decoder for that you may feel free to use as a band or cult name:

“Deviled Eggs Toilet Paper”

“Michelin Man Costume”

“Arthritis Hair Sake”

“Traveling windows?”

“CORN HOLE”

“Chicken Wax Restoration in Quickbooks”

“TARTER SAUCE TORSO KILLER”

“Hysterical Euphonia”

“Never leave the bookshop”

“GARBAGE SOCKS”

“Soybean burger: Elf Kidney”

“Learned how to sign an asshole with Judy Blume!”

“ACCIDENTAL CAT FUR MASK”

“Bitey/Stabby”

“If my wings keep falling off, staples?”

“Let’s do seagulls”

“T-rex helicopter”

“WELD DOG OUTFIT”

“Daddy long legs are friends”

“My socks are broken”

“Put new pantyhose on the cantaloupe”

“NOPE”

UPDATED: I kept looking at GARBAGE SOCK, thinking it was a note to make socks out of garbage and then I realized it was a typo from when I was reminding myself to buy garbage sacks but I’m keeping it because I’d totally join a cult called GARBAGE SOCKS.

UPDATED AGAIN: Victor reminded me that “Chicken Wax Restoration Quickbooks” was a very important note I made that I bought some restoration wax to shine up Beyonce the Giant Metal Chicken and I needed to mark it as a business expense. THIS IS ALL MAKING SENSE NOW.

UPDATED AGAIN: Hang on. Victor to the rescue again. I did not learn how to autograph buttholes with Judy Blume, apparently. I did a zoom with her once and there was a sign language interpreter interpreting us and she had to keep signing the word “asshole”, which I was apparently very entertained by because it looked like the hand symbol for “okay”. From now on when I’m dealing with an asshole I’m going to just do the symbol and be like, “okay!” but secretly know that I’m adding a silent “asshole” to every sentence.

UPDATED AGAIN: I put pantyhose on the single cantaloupe I was growing in the backyard a few years ago to keep bugs from eating it, although I had forgotten this until now. Past me was very smart. And confusing.

64 thoughts on “Notes to myself, part 3

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I love past you and these notes. I needed a non-ironic giggle today. T-Rex Helicopter sounds like a band name.

  2. There’s a definite sock, leg thing happening. Sidenote: the menu items at your restaurant, especially elf parts, seem interesting!

  3. “Learned how to sign an asshole with Judy Blume!”

    I KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!!!!

  4. Never leave the bookshop seems very clear and you were 100% correct.

  5. I immediately knew you meant the ASL sign for asshole but I was confused because I didn’t know Judy Blume signed.

  6. I extra love how some of them are in ALL CAPS like they are even more important, which really adds to the mystery when the context is lost.

  7. We use Alexa for our shopping list and once I found Red Holes on the list. WTF?? Turns out I wanted to remember to buy Red HALLS – the throat lozenge!! Took about a week to translate that one!

  8. “Arthritis Hair Sake”
    Is this like that guy who made whiskey from diabetic urine as an art installation?

  9. Somewhere I have a very battered notebook which contains the Trip Journal my best friend and I kept the one time we did LSD together in college.

    Your notes remind me of the Trip Journal. 😂

  10. I’ll bet that you saw the trailer fore the upcoming movie “Nope” and this was a reminder that you wanted to see it. I do, too! The trailer is intriguing.

    (OMG, THAT IS TOTALLY RIGHT. ~ Jenny)

  11. Oh how I needed this today Jenny! Your updates are just as funny! And my favorite : ‘never leave the bookshop’. Indeed!!📚❤️

  12. Haha this is amazing. Our family has a long running list of things that would make a great band name and this is a gold mine!!

  13. I have a note in my phone from 2017 that says “I discover Pangaea” and I have no idea what it means s. Hope to find out when I die or something.

  14. “Soybean burger: Elf Kidney”

    I mean, soybeans are about the right size and shape to be elf kidneys, depending on the size of your elves, I guess. They’re maybe not the right color? And I don’t know that I’d make a burger out of them….

  15. Corn hole. 😂 You probably watched the ridiculous rant at a Texas school board meeting about the book Out of Darkness (by Ashley Hope Pérez) where we all learned some old fashioned slang terms thanks to a very upset mother. I can no longer play the backyard game without smirking.

  16. DON’T start doing the ‘okay’ sign to mean asshole. To some people it will also identify you as a white supremacist. Stupid hand-signal co-opting Nazis.

    (Jesus. Is there anything Nazis don’t ruin? ~ Jenny)

  17. “Tartar Sauce Torso Killer”: brings a dark new perspective to Filet O’Fish

  18. If you figure out what deviled eggs toilet paper means, please tell me. This is the greatest thing I’ve seen all week!! 😉

  19. I know about the daddy long legs! I saw that somewhere recently. They are social and like to hang out together in groups.

  20. Tartar Sauce Torso Killer! Somebody needs to write a book about a serial killer with that name! That would be too cool. My son wrote a book in middle school about a cereal killer, it was hilarious.

  21. I’m totally using Hysterical Euphonia as a band name. Or I would if I ever started a band…

  22. Arthritis Hair Sake is your idea to create a medication for arthritis which is in sake form and can be administered topically on one’s hair! It will help all those who cannot swallow pills nor ingest alcohol. BRILLIANT!!

    (My God, I am amazing. ~ Jenny)

  23. I too found random notes from a flight to Thailand.

    Singapore/Bangkok randomness

    Have you ever held a fart for 14 hours? Like consciously knowing that you have held that fart for that long. When I finally was able to go to the restroom, it was the most extraordinary release of methane known to man. Washington blasted Hiroshima, I ass blasted Tokyo.

    Maybe this is all funnier to me because I haven’t really slept for more than an hour or so in the past 28 hours.

  24. My mother worked at a huge Swedish paper company here in the states and one day the president of the company asked her to do something and she gave the 👌 sign, turns out that always means asshole in Sweden.

    🎶The more you know.🎶

  25. Isn’t it weird how American Sign Language hand signs and American common hand gestures in can mean something totally different (and sometimes insults) in different languages and cultures?
    I had to google Euphonia and the very first thing that popped up was kind of tropical birds. They were really cute, and I can imaging that they would get hysterical if disturbed by something.
    I quite like Michelin Man costume.
    All of these notes either totally resonate with me, or make me think of what the possibilities are for them. Band names or serial killer stories make sense.
    Thank you for giving me food for random thoughts.

  26. Weirdly, I remember the pantyhose on the cantaloupe. It’s been a slow couple of years.

  27. I’m always amazed that my mind works so much like yours and yet civilization still goes on even with two of us (or more–I’m sure there are others, probably right here, reading this). The struggle is real.

  28. Do people in Texas play cornhole? Were you fascinated by our strange midwestern backyard game? I don’t know why they call it that. There’s no corn involved. Unless your beanbags are stuffed with unpopped corn. Then maybe.

  29. Ooh! Please ask Victor what I meant by this:

    “Club ‘Don’t worry About What I’m Doing’”

  30. The CORN HOLE note could only have been because you wanted to remark on how nobody ever talks about that game’s name, and why was it named after 👌 sex, anyway?

  31. Some of these remind me of the kind of guesses my mother and I would come up with at items my dad added to the grocery list. He’s not a doctor but people judging by his handwriting would never know that.

  32. So many good band names! Hysterical Euphonia reminds me of the actual name of the band my husband was in when he was a teenager – Euphonic Omen. I tease him about that name whenever it comes up.

  33. “Hysterical Euphonia” is still a better name for a girl than about 85% of the unfortunate y-laden names white people seem to come up with nowadays.

  34. I think you even wrote about the pantyhose cantaloupe in the blog. Accidental cat fur mask is very Hermione in Harry Potter. Deviled eggs toilet paper sounds like an appetizer disaster, for sure.

  35. I love that you share those notes on your phone. I have any number of these that I am afraid to delete, just in case, you know right?

  36. If it had been Hysterical Euphoria, I’d have suspected you’d just found out how Furiously Happy was translated into yet another foreign language.

  37. I knew I was not the only one! Here are a few from my collections:

    Jesus and the back shots
    Vagasshole

    FUBA – pouch – dog or puss area? Talks amongst yourself.

    Just when you thought you had a handle on aging you’re back to pooping in diapers! Happy Birthday!

    Oh gnome you didn’t
    Go big or go gnome
    There’s gnome place like home
    Welcome gnome
    Gnome is where the heart is

    Banshee dust truck
    Alien meat show
    Inner/outer disco ball
    Barn doors open
    Calling the pigs back home – seweee
    Dancing squirrels/carrot
    Penguin’s playing ping pong
    4th eye

  38. I was hoping “Learned how to sign an asshole with Judy Blume!” was a book title

  39. I was going to say, maybe your socks are broken because you keep wearing them in the garbage. But you already cleared up the mystery of the garbage socks.
    =O
    That could be the title of a future book!! “The Mystery of the Garbage Socks!”
    Your Editor will love it!!

    Lisa

  40. My suggestions, ignoring your updates:

    “Deviled Eggs Toilet Paper” – The high quality roll of TP you save for when you eat too many of those evil treats.
    “Michelin Man Costume” – Pretty sure my spare tire is not a costume as I’ve tried to take it off many times and failed.
    “Arthritis Hair Sake” – My wife has RA and I asked her if this meant anything to her. She said it sounded like an alternative treatment and what the hell; she would try anything because RA sucks the high hard ones.
    “Traveling windows?” – Portals?
    “CORN HOLE” – Can only point out the two obvious observations. One is a fun game; the other involves throwing sacks of corn.
    “Chicken Wax Restoration in Quickbooks” – Hard to ignore your update on this one. Knock Knock Mother Fucker!
    “TARTER SAUCE TORSO KILLER” – You’ve been listening to too many murder podcasts.
    “Hysterical Euphonia” – Definitely a band name.
    “Never leave the bookshop” – Sometimes I think I never did leave that Walden Books in the mall back in 1985.
    “GARBAGE SOCKS” – Socks with Shirley Manson’s picture on them?
    “Soybean burger: Elf Kidney” – Probably what one would taste like.
    “Learned how to sign an asshole with Judy Blume!” – I hope it was with a very fine point pen.
    “ACCIDENTAL CAT FUR MASK” – You strapped on one of your cats mistaking it for your COVID mask?
    “Bitey/Stabby” – Adjectives describing Edward Scissor hands if he also had scissor teeth?
    “If my wings keep falling off, staples?” – I’d suggest bungie cords. Less stabby.
    “Let’s do seagulls” – I’m pretty sure this is against the law.
    “T-rex helicopter” – They’re scary enough on land, now you want them to fly???
    “WELD DOG OUTFIT” – Figuring out the suit to your newly created canine superhero, the super- hot Welding Weiner-Mayer?
    “Daddy long legs are friends” – One of them is, a thousand all grouped together under a concrete picnic table at any Texas State Campground is a nightmare!
    “My socks are broken” – What is the nature of this failure? Holes? Threadbare? Won’t stay up anymore?
    “Put new pantyhose on the cantaloupe” – Don’t know why, but all I can picture is that scene in Raising Arizona where the guy says, “Son, you got a panty on your head.”
    “NOPE” – That new movie coming out that nobody really knows what it is about. I’ll go see it to find out.

  41. I think a number of these are potential Halloween costumes. They sound clever too!

  42. “Arthritis Hair Sake”= after you have washed your hair ,you bendover, as low as you can on that day, and stiffen your neck so it dose not hurt so much, and gently swing your torso.

    “Never leave the bookshop”= a rule, that should be in every booksohp: if you enter you never leav, huh!

    “ACCIDENTAL CAT FUR MASK”= when you dry your face in towel wher your cat has been sleeping…(done that..)

    “Bitey/Stabby”= cat bite, cause their canies?

    “If my wings keep falling off, staples?”= Drem, where you were in the play as an Angel and your wings kept falling, so you had to staple them in the costume firly.

    “Let’s do seagulls”= Again, dreem where you were in Seagulls game as an chearlider, and you sed …”do Seagulls” and not: “Lets! Go! Seagulls!”

    Your’re wellcome 😉

  43. I’m not quite sure how the song goes, but it does sound like “TARTER SAUCE TORSO KILLER” nananana nana nananaNa run run run run, run run run away… That’s what the Talking Heads were trying to sing, of course!

  44. This is the best thing I’ve read today. And yes, of course, never leave the bookstore.

  45. I wondered if the Judy Blume one was suggestions of how to do autographs for unpleasant people.
    And I had totally assumed garbage socks were the ones that you pull on for slippers to take trash out when you just can’t face the idea of shoes …or sidewalk bugs.

  46. I feel like I figured two of these out.

    Deviled Eggs Toilet Paper – You would use this roll up so quick. The egg white would blend into the white of the toilet paper. The deviled yolk would look like you had just wiped your butt, and you would never stop wiping! Roll over.

    Soybean Burger: Elf Kidney – that’s just coz a soybean is probably the size of an Elf Kidney. So, if you have a soybean Burger, are you maybe eating an elf Kidney burger?

  47. I use voice-to-text to text myself things I want to write about or think about later.

    A recent few:
    My love language is probably petty passive aggressiveness.
    Am I zombie golden retriever?
    One goat or two?
    Is being married to me like being married to a really sober drunk person?
    I wonder if they have that axolotl onesie in stock yet.
    Note: buy butterfly wings for shopping at Publix.

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