I’ve been feeling slightly more scattered than normal for the past few months. Exhausted, forgetful, emotional. I went to see the doctor recently and after a ton of tests he was like, “Beats me, lady” so I went to an Ob/Gyn because a friend said it sounded like perimenopause and my Ob/Gyn was like, “Your bloodwork shows that you don’t have enough testosterone. Do you want cream or pellets?” I always skip cream because I’m lactose intolerant but turns out she meant some kind of testosterone lotion you rub on your foot each night and that sounds weirdly specific but the pellet thing was even weirder because apparently they cut a hole in your butt cheek and put a pellet in the hole and after a month it dissolves and then you go back in and they put another hole in your butt and put another pellet in and…is this real? Because why would you choose to get extra butt holes when you could just pick “lotion”? I can barely keep up with the butthole I already have and I suspect the extra butt hole is probably not enormous but still…worst purse ever. (The extra butt hole, I mean. Not my normal butthole. Although that’s also a terrible purse.) Anyway, I forgot what my point was here but maybe after I start rubbing testosterone on my foot I’ll remember and this will all make sense again.
Probably not though.
75 thoughts on “Missing: one brain”
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I like the way your (missing) brain works. You never fail to make me laugh.
Hmm, couldn’t Victor just pee on your foot? It’d be cheaper and no extra buttholes. Win win!
Here we go again with the persecution of the multiple buttholes community. YEESH.
Just fyi, I started doing the pellet therapy when I hit perimenopause and it was great for my mood and energy and brain. However, after couple of years of incisions, my glute muscles started to not fire appropriately, leading to all the other muscles compensating, leading to all sorts of hip and back pain. Surprisingly lotion was never presented as an option to me. I will never get the pellet incision again, finding a dr who will switch to topical. Wish you luck in your hormone journey!
I want to say something witty, but I am way too tired and stressed to do that.
Anyway, this brought a smile to my face. Sorry you’re feeling scattered. Its a horrible feeling.
OK but like…. is it just dome with a needle or are there stitches? I have questions.
The increased testosterone will make you want to catcall passing dames, broads, skirts. DO NOT DO IT. It’s a side-effect caused by a bottleneck in the replacement testosterone system. All current replacement testosterone comes from the early- to mid-fifties.
A friendly warning from a friend in his mid- to late- fifties and the late stages of early-onset middle age.
Ok, I have broken ribs right now and I’m gonna need you to not make me laugh. Extra buttholes are way too funny for someone in my condition!
We lady types need testosterone? Really??? I am well past that whole menopause stuff, but…well, do I need testosterone???
I feel the way you do that one does not need to be more of an asshole than one already is.
The pellet hole would give extra space for smuggling items. 😄
Dr Jen Gunter’s Menopause Manifesto has all the most recent and helpful info on all things menopause.
Peri turned me into a word salad idiot and I go longer between phases. But I have not been presented with options and I’ve been dealing with this for 5 years. Harumph.
I needed something ridiculous like this today. Thank you!
Yeah, just don’t start roughing people up.
Going to be that weirdo veterinarian but just a heads up–don’t let any pets in contact with your Testosterfoot. Animals can absorb topicals as well and then it gets all wacky trying to figure out what kind of obscure endocrine disease they have and it turns out no, fluffy just likes licking mom’s hormone replacement cream.
The things nobody ever tells you about per-menopause, like foot cream or extra buttholes for testosterone pellets or else your brain won’t work right.
Hot flashes, insomnia, headaches, stabby moods, and more!
If cisgendered men got periods, pregnancies or peri-menopause, then we would get a lot more accommodations and sympathy for what our bodies put people with wombs and ovaries through.
Girl, let the shit show begin! I had early onset menopause in my mid 30’s. And undiagnosed bi-polar issues that were probably always there but I was off and on wacko and there weren’t really any good SRI’s at the time. Anyway, I started Premarin and it really helped and then found SRI’s and that helped the other, missing brain syndrome, if that’s a thing. Now at 70 I’m just wacko by choice and I dyed my hair purple and moved to Boquete Panama and joined the community theater where wacko is a good fit. Now I’m medicated with Venlafaxine but no more Premarin. I don’t know why they want to do butt stuff with you, I never heard of that but foot cream sounds better. BTW. Premarin cream for your lady parts is helpful as you lady parts tend to get a bit dry and you might not enjoy your hubs visiting there if you’re a bit dry. Love and kisses to you and yours!
Are we in the stone ages? That pellet situations sounds right up there with applying leeches and bloodletting.
I never had an option for any of that stuff. But I went through menopause with no problems. I know, I’m weird. But thank goodness I didn’t have to have my butt punched!
I’ve done the pellets for a couple of years…my doctor does a new set every 15 weeks. It really does make a difference in all the things your doctor says it will make a difference in.
My doc just put me back on birth control pills, but I just had to up the dose, so maybe I should ask about foot cream. I really don’t want to stick pellets in my butt. I would rather stick pellets UP my butt than have them inserted into my flesh. *shudders*
A doctor in Oregon suggested a DHEAS steroid cream – it wasn’t testosterone, but something athletes use illegally. Unfortunately, I did not develop the ability to run really quickly and it didn’t really affect my chronic fatigue. I have also taken an estrogen/progesterone combination orally, which didn’t help my chronic fatigue. These days I take Black Cohosh, which is a natural estrogen supplement, which does help with hot flashes. Now that the days of the Plague are behind us, I might see if I can get some extra special foot cream also. Or cocaine. Either way. Good luck with your testosterone – if you start driving slowly down the road on Friday nights and yelling “Hey, Babe” to women, make sure to take Victor with you as your wingman.
I have been feeling the same lately. But I would worry I’d forget to rub the lotion on my feet. But I’m really averse to holes of any kind so I’d take the lotion.
I have a friend who is doing the pellets and said they are very successful! I’ll have to ask her if she knows about the foot cream…
I’m wondering about the missing stuff in my head… my last MRI showed volume loss meaning my brain was atrophied because my immune system thinks that it’s a Zombie. Hormones are an interesting idea for my word salad thing. I was speaking to one of the contractor folks remodeling my house and I forgot the word for the things that catch the precipitation from your roof. Pino speaks three languages he was so very kind to remind me of the word gutter. Okay I’m done.
I hope your magic foot cream helps.
Don’t be surprised if that testosterone causes you to drive aimlessly while refusing to ask for directions.
Can’t recommend Dr. Jenn Gunter and her Menopause Manifesto highly enough. Her IG is great as is her blog the Vajenda. Definitely read up on pellets. That said, I’ve heard people have amazing results when they started testosterone cream.
I do the pellets! They are LIFE CHANGING. I have energy again, less brain fog (still scattered because ADHD), and the sex drive of a 16 year old boy. Also, I’m sleeping SO MUCH BETTER. I’m 44 for what it’s worth.
I’d try the pee idea first. I mean it is free, a bit messy but free.
My dr prescribed a compounded hormone pill with testosterone and some other stuff. No cream or butt holes required. Perimenopause was making me very stabby, the pills help. Also, check your vitamin D levels….
Getting your butt punched is awful, but every tenth pellet is free. But you have to ask.
That would be the ol’ Prison Purse, eh?
when i was in perimenopause i did both testosterone cream and estrogen cream.(separately, different weeks, i think) but all i had to do was rub it on my arms. no buttholes, i never even heard of that before. i went to a gp who was also a homeopathic dr specializing in menopause..
Ain’t really a “butthole”. I get estrogen/testosterone this way and it’s an intradermal pellet. Get it every 6 mo for post-menopause and it really makes a diff in my sex life and lady garden upkeep. Recommend getting it done!
I work for gynaecology and obstetrics and yes the cream is good. We even have a cream that’s like viagra for women. Apply and off ya go!
Would love to go into a care home and put in on all the ladies over 70!
OMG! I laughed so hard I almost hurt myself. I had to give a shout out to my wife in the kitchen and managed Bloggess and butt holes–you’ve got to read this!
Extra buttholes…this really is the worst timeline!
Purses and other fashion accessories aside, it sounds like you have Lyme Disease. It’s very prevalent on the east coast and quite possibly there, too. I’ve had it twice, you have described my symptoms perfectly. The treatment is a simple antibiotic, but it’s a really insidious disease, and can have long lasting effects if not treated. I don’t wish to sound like an extra butthole, but please get checked.
Really? Testosterone cream?! Does this mean you’ll grow an excellent beard and mustache? That you’ll have to start shaving to prevent a beard and mustache? 5 o’clock shadow?
Also, why on the bottom of the foot? Omg!! What if…do you know of that experiment that says if you rub garlic on the bottom of your foot, after a short amount of time you’ll be able to taste it? Does that mean you’ll be tasting that foot cream?! Eww!
Sending you good hopes that the cream works and that you don’t have any problems with it.
No thank you, I would not like an extra butt hole. Really. Who chooses this option? I swear, there is something in the Earth’s rotation or some kind of pressure thing because I’m in Bizarro world and I have no idea what people are saying.
Echoing what several others have said about Jen Gunter’s Menopause Manifesto. After reading just a few chapters, I wanted to hand it out to everyone I knew, and wished I had started reading it even earlier in my own perimenopause journey.
Please join us in the menopause community on Reddit. The support and knowledge you will receive is phenomenal. The impact of peri menopause and menopause on the brain is HUGE. Anxiety and depression are exacerbated in women who already suffer from them, and some women who never had such problems suddenly find themselves suicidal. Please educate yourself about the effects of estrogen on the brain. Rabbit holes you will find, but sincerely that online community is a solid place to start. And good luck to you. Please know there is an untold number of us suffering right along with you! XO
OMG, what a hoot/conundrum, yeah go for the lotion but not around the animals.
Hope your brain gets sorted!
I had to do the testosterone cream a long time ago—but I had to put it on my abdomen. My gyn didn’t mention butt holes, but I think I would have passed, too.
Wait. The brain fog is perimenopause? Sonnova… I was just thinking I’d become stupider.
Just a warning, every
time I have had to use testosterone in any way, shape or form I have had a plethora of dark, unruly man hair growing wild. Just a warning!
Your doctor was trolling you, right? “People complain about the lotion, so I’ll make up something even worse, and they’ll be grateful for the cream!”
I feel like I’m missing my brain too. Maybe I should “get an extra butthole”? nah, I too will opt for the testosterone foot lotion. Or maybe I’ll skip both and just get a new purse (was that not an option?) Seriously though, thanks for this. I am beyond exhausted and was rationalizing why NOT to get writing time in, but this gave me just enough inspo to get my butt (and it’s one butthole) writing.
I started peri a few months ago. They gave me a vaginal suppository to help with… something. When I picked it up from the pharmacy the instructions read “Insert vaginal insert vaginally.” Gee, thanks….
Bio-identical testosterone cream is really great if your levels are low. I’m glad you have access to it! I can also be really helpful for pain. My physiatrist (not psychiatrist) presribes it all the time for chronic pain.
So, they want to give you a hormone of the weaker sex? Hmmm….well I guess it could help, especially if you did the butthole thing, as the “ass” is where men seem to think a lot of the times (Sorry Victor). So mental issues solved- you won’t need to think as much anymore and when you do and it’s all wrong or crazy then you can blame on the testosterone in your butthole. It’s a win-win😎
I did the testosterone treatments. Didn’t help. All I got was more stray chin & neck hairs.
Started my work day off with a howl of laughter (co-workers are used to this now.) I’ve heard about the issue with the testosterone cream being bad for others who come in contact with it, like your pets. What if you put the cream in your butthole (the OG butthole)? Then, like, no one should be coming in contact with it, right? 🙂
well, I REALLY did not have time this morning to go Googling “testosterone pellet in butt cheek.” But here we go…
To the lady who recommended Premarin. It stands for “pregnant mare urine”. They make pregnant mares stand in stalls all day with collection bags tied to their tails. Not a good life. Plus who wants to ingest urine??
I was diagnosed at 36 with premature ovarian insufficiency. I tried multiple medicines and had allergic reactions to them all. I understand the brain fog because most days I wonder how I make it through. Hope you have better luck on your journey then I have had on mine. Also, love your books, they help with my depression ❤️
I’d go cream too. My butt has enough problems without extra holes. Or pellets. Ew.
I love the pellets, FWIW. My OB/Gyn says the dosage of the cream can take a while to get right, and it can be frustrating. The pellets are AMAZING. So much more energy, better sleep, and it isn’t painful and the hole heals after a few days!
Also, they amp up your sex drive like you would not believe. My best to Victor…
Do the cream! I’ve done it and love it, and it got my mother through menopause without being a hormonal lunatic. Definitely stay away from premarin (as mentioned, making it is extremely cruel to animals), but the bioidentical hormone cream is easy and makes a world of difference!
I got the pellets in June. Game changer! And it’s only every 3.5 months, not monthly. I don’t like to slather, so I chose the pellets. I hope it works for you. Don’t be afraid of the pellets!!
Thank you for posting about your journey. I feel like gynecological issues are still not talked about, and I appreciate your candidness about your low testosterone levels-it makes me feel so much less alone to read about your journey and the rest of the tribe! Thank you everyone!
I am majorly struggling gynecologically, and have been to 3 gynecologists in the past year, and NONE of them have bothered to test my hormone levels. They found what they think is adenomyosis and a fibroid from ultrasounds, but that’s the extent of any tests anyone has bothered to do to try to help me.
I have similar symptoms as you, added to that water cave (lady garden) chronic cysts (I think one of my glands is messed up) no sex drive, excruciating periods that last 11 days, dryness, etc.
I’m seriously considering a hysterectomy to be honest at this point.
Your post encourages me to keep going to find the right doctor who will help me make sound educated decisions about my health going forward… it sounds like you found a good doc that actually gives a shit!
I am on a replacement hormone called estratest that includes testosterone and it is awesome. Would not go without it ever.
I’d be afraid I’d forget I already put the lotion on my foot and do it again. And again. I don’t think I’d forget the pellet in my butt though. Even if I tried.
You made me laugh so hard I needed my inhaler : )
As someone going through menopause, I totally feel you on this. My gyn had me experiment with birth control and it was horrible. I also am being forgetful lately and will literally raise my hand to say something in a meeting and forget what I was going to say two seconds later.
Exactly why adding more testosterone to your body is an epic fail. The post menopause stray hairs are a battle in themselves. Why would I ever add to the stress? You poor dear
WHO CHOOSES PELLET?! Just WTF on that option. Is the lotion THAT bad?
Don’t take anything, it’s just one of the natural joys of being a woman.
Pip the Pap’s mom.
I chose the pellet. Because I can’t even remember to put chapstick on when it’s right in my pocket. Whatever you choose. The testosterone helped a lot.
Aside from it” being the natural course of a womans life…”I have other health issues and it has helped a lot.
I have done the cream and it rubs off and does not absorb well. My testosterone was still at zero after using the cream for years. I moved to the pellet and it is amazing. Feel so much better.
There are also patches which would be better than cream.
You need testosterone if you are still active and do not want your bones and muscles to deteriorate. Once you lose hormones – your body starts to shut down.
Good luck. It is worth it!
We’ll, my vagina now takes a pill, so that’s what Perimenopause is looking like for me! Open wide!