I apologize to any of you who don’t exist anymore because I was too high.

This week I started ketamine treatments for my depression and if I wasn’t depressed I would write a lot more about that but my depression means that my brain is bleh and I’m exhausted so instead I’ll just say that it involves a dozen injections of psychedelic drugs over three weeks that….I don’t know…makes your brain too high to be habitable for crazy? That’s probably not scientific but I’m not sure the scientists 100% understand how it works either so whatever.

I recorded this right after my first shot this week because I’m using my phone as a video diary:

I didn’t record anything of my second session yesterday because I upped my dose and fell into a molecular wormhole and worried very much that by accessing it I was ripping apart the very fibers of space-time and that maybe I wouldn’t exist later or that maybe entire parallel dimensions were collapsing and I was disappearing people simply because I was too sad to not get high, and the nurse who checked on me was like, “I appreciate the concern but I assure you, no one died for you to be this high” and then a minute later I was like, “OMG! We all grow hair the same way that carrots grow those leafy stems and that means that we’re all root vegetable and when we die God pulls us out of the world just like we do carrots and that’s why the bible says we come from dirt and return to dirt because we’re just like carrots and if you bury a carrot top it’ll regrow as a whole carrot JUST LIKE THE RESURRECTION. I THINK I UNDERSTAND RELIGION NOW” and she didn’t respond to that because how could she? Also because it’s fucking insane and later I looked it up and turns out you can only regrow carrot stems from carrot stems, which seems like a waste of time because why do I want to use garbage to make more garbage? Am I supposed to be eating the stems? Because, gross. I don’t even eat the carrots.

I forgot where I was going with this but today I feel a tiny bit better and OH WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED MY POINT. Okay, so the nurse said that one of the best things that I can do before getting my injections is to set an intention to tell my brain what I’m going for and so my intention is “joy, energy and clarity” and while I may never reach the last part of that (as evidenced by this meandering rambling) this morning I was watching Dorothy Barker as I opened up the drawer where I keep her treats and she was so ecstatic even though she gets treats every day and I’ve decided that Dottie is now my ketamine mascot and exactly what I’m going for. We should all be as happy as our dogs.

Amen. May the carrot god bless us and keep us, including anyone who may have stopped existing during my drug-induced epiphanies. Really sorry about that. My bad.

66 thoughts on “I apologize to any of you who don’t exist anymore because I was too high.

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  1. YES! We SHOULD all be as happy as our dogs! And we should always strive to be the AWESOME person our dogs think we are. Because, fuckit, my dog believes in me, I can believe in myself!

  2. It has been enough of a struggle lately that watching Dorothy Barker jump in slow mo wore my ass out. I need a nap now.

    Hope that the worm holes et. al. bring to a place of greater peace. I don’t need joy but lack of depression is a very nice thing and I hope that for you.

  3. Almost a year ago now I turned to an ayahuasca practitioner for help and it relieved the depression for months and intermittently affected me well beyond. Good luck fighting the demons, my darling woman! If you need us, we are here to have your back.

  4. OR my cat when he gets fed, after staring at me for an hour with that “FEED ME NOW OR ELSE” glare. When it’s food time he gets all happy, and then eats a couple bites and goes right off to sleep. Life should be like that for all of us!

  5. Joy in the little things, in the small moments. Like your dog, indeed! ❤️

  6. I wondered where I’d gone but I seem to be back now. I’m not quite sure that’s a good thing. The world might have been better without me, but frankly I came back for my dog who is my unofficial emotional support dog and the person I love most in the world. And I don’t know about being as happy as your dog because sometimes she gets “a look” that seems to say the world is not going her way that day. Hmm. Hard to tell. I want some-a what YOU got. I don’t know about the carrots but I think it must be a wild ride and I’ll be 69 next month and I have never done drugs of any kind. That’s because I take so damned many psych drugs and now I am seriously disabled and that requires meds and who has the time for it all?
    Please kiss Dorothy Barker on the nose for me. I’m a shameless nose kisser and I’ve kissed my wee Molly’s nose so much I’m surprised it hasn’t fallen off yet. It’s a tiny little soft black ball of a nose. She’s a chigi which I didn’t know was a thing until I adopted her. That’s a chihuahua/corgi mix and my soul mate. I always feel safe and pretty happy with Molly, people, not so much. And then you went and disappeared me and I’m still trying to figure out how to explain that to my 3 children and 5 grandchildren…. sigh…

  7. Hoping your treatments bring you big joy, energy, and clarity. Hoping we all find something that brings us those things. Really soon. <3

  8. At first I was all, “Wow, you must have been really high to see Beetlejuicy things and DNA during your session.” But then I saw those images and thought, “Well, no wonder.” Anyone would.

    Sending hugs.

  9. I’ve done lower dose at-home ketamine (yes it’s safe) and 10 treatments were a life changer (with a few less exciting moments-lol). Join the therapeutic ketamine reddit!

  10. Dorothy Barked is hangtime goals.

    I’m sorry your brain requires ketamine therapy, but I’m super glad it’s available for you and I hope you find some relief quickly. Depression sucks.

  11. Honestly, I cried. For Everything, not just for confirmation that I didn’t really exist, but mainly for wishing to be that bastard happy for treats.

  12. YES! I’ve been wanting to try that therapy for a while. I had some ayahuasca in Peru once & that definitely changed my outlook, but that was ages ago & I feel like I could use a refresh. {HUGS} I also use my dog as a meter for how all of us should be feeling!!

  13. I have been on ketamine infusion therapy for almost two years now. I can now generally get by with a booster infusion once every month or two. This is supplemented by specially compounded oral troches at home that taste like a cat peed in lemons, but it does seem to extend the benefit time. And yeah, the wormhole is a whole thing!

  14. I’m in the process of dialing back my venlafaxine dose while fighting with my insurance company, and the combination is making me feel just vaguely wrong, so I’d be fully okay with it if I stopped existing for a bit while you were high. I’d also be cool with it if it turns out I am a root vegetable, because I’m pretty sure root vegetables don’t need antidepressants or have insurance companies. So it’s all good.

  15. Loved Dorothy Barker video. Dogs are literally Lifesavers. Much love to you, who has brought such joy and truth to all.

  16. Wish you’d try esketamine (Spravato). As to what to listen to, try the Naturespace app, using noise-canceling headphones to listen to professionally recorded nature sounds from water (rain, rivers, ocean) to campfire, to wind.

  17. My dear friend has tried Ketamine treatments for his depression and usually went for a Beatles playlist during his sessions. It worked for him. I feel like if I were to try it though, I might go for Enya. No jump scares with her. Many many hugs to you.

  18. A friend had success with ketamine for depression. Fools scoring Special K on the street are risking their lives. In grad school I used ketamine to sedate raccoons before blood draws (yes I returned each of them to their home range). My mom taught me to put carrot tops in jar lids with water and watch them grow. One of my first experiments which led to two biology degrees. See I sound loopy and didn’t even take ketamine! The power of putting your goals out to the universe is strong!

  19. Yes! Love Dorothy Barker! I’m going for that. For joy every single time I get a treat as if I’ve never before had such a joyous moment. I wish you (and me) that type of joy

  20. I love CBS Sunday Morning “Moment of Nature” videos and I found they have the entire clip of each video on their YouTube channel.
    I would happily watch an endless video montage of all of these videos, they are so calming.
    Bless Dorothy Barker and all the happy, loving dogs who give us joy. I wish my pet allergies would go away so I could have pets again.
    Sending happy thoughts and peaceful moments your way.

  21. Wow. Dorothy Barker can jump REALLY high. And your rambling makes me happy during a very difficult time in my life, so I literally CANNOT thank you enough right now, Jenny. <3

  22. Jenny, Spotify has some fantastic playlists for infusions! For my 1st 6 I used the one developed by Johns Hopkins for psilocybin research. For a few boosters I used brown noise, and for my booster last week I found a ketamine one somebody had put together that I really like. Also, I find it really interesting that you can not only take a picture but also that you can see! I completely dissociate, which is what my anesthesiologist says is really the goal. She also recommends that I see my therapist within 24 hours of infusions because that’s when the begin is the most open. Her protocol is 6 over 3 weeks, followed by boosters on the schedule that works best for each patient. I did 2 weeks out, then 4, etc. I just went 2 months and am considering trying to go 4 for the next one.

    For what it’s worth, I was visited by semi-sentient lemons during several of my infusions. They won’t tell me what they want though, which is quite rude of them.

  23. Being a nurse in a ketamine clinic must be amazing.

    I wish you lots of joy, energy, and clarity, and a life of ease! May all of you reading this have joy, energy, clarity, and ease too!

  24. Thanks for your discussion of ketamine – your original posts way back when were a step in my own journey towards ketamine and I have found it very useful. I do the whole sleep_mask/no_visual_input and headphones during sessions and am very fond of this Spotify playlist:(https://open.spotify.com/playlist/50nGvhl1s6PXNoOMMJ2UfI).

    A wise saying I once heard “I wish I could be the person that my dog thinks I am”.

  25. The ketamine nasal spray (Spravato) is miraculous for depression but doesn’t seem to produce a high. Feeling cheated out of carrot-related epiphanies! -:)

  26. Apparently, if you grow those carrot tops long enough, they flower and produce carrot seeds, which could lead to a whole batch of resurrected carrots. Religion metaphor back on, and perhaps high you is functioning at a more profound plane than the rest of us

  27. Eye mask (so you can’t see anything) + “Music for Psychedlic Therapy” by Jon Hopkins (on spotify and elsewhere) == consistently great experience while undergoing ketamine treatment.

  28. I hope you find some relief from The Nothing.
    I haven’t tried it with ketamine therapy, but I’m a big fan of the Monterey Bay Aquarium YouTube channel. Their Littoral Relaxocean and Krill Waves Radio videos get me through rough executive function nights. I particularly love the bloody-belly comb jellies (not only for their name.)

  29. I immediately thought a “Dog is my Copilot” bumper sticker should be slapped here! Slapped politely, not as in assault and battery. Thinking of you and hope the tmt leads you where you want to go!

  30. I really love Liam Thomas. He sort of falls into ambient genre and it’s mostly instrumental. I joke(sort of), I get so relaxed or hyper-focused I forget to breath…definitely NOT driving music unless you stress with traffic. Nebula and November(both singles) are great starters and explore more, if you like. Yoste, Hoogway, amies, Michael FK, TWO LANES, Nuver/SUNG(they are 2 different artist who often collaborate), Blackmill and Haux are my go-to for relaxation or focus. Gosh, I have so many others….but, manageable list.

  31. In possibly the greatest appendix I’ve ever read, the end of Zero: the biography of a dangerous idea, includes a mathematical proof that Winston Churchill was in fact a carrot. Since he helped win WWII, I feel like carrots have an important place in the world.

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  33. Anyone you lost due to that doesn’t deserve to be here. We love you for all of you. The highs, the lows and apparently, the highs…lol.

  34. I imagine that Jesus would appreciate your original metaphor, (fully resurrected produce and all) and heartily laugh and give you the Buddy Jesus pose from “Dogma.”

    Now I have the imagine of Jesus ascending into heaven… in carrot form.. can’t unsee it! 😆😆😆 Jenny, you are a gift of the highest order.

  35. Thinking about your comment: “I appreciate the concern but I assure you, no one died for you to be this high” , I am not sure that is accurate. To greatly overly simplify it, because I am not motivated to go into more detail, Christianity teaches that Jesus died for our sins. An aspect of sin is being separate from God. By using ketamine to have psychedelic experiences and relieve depression, you are attempting to move closer to God and the better person you should be. Therefore, I conclude Jesus died for you to get high.

  36. Goodness, gracious me! I wondered why I blinked out of existence for awhile. Thanks for bringing me back. I have a link in my elbow. It touches my ear now.

  37. For the love of everything that you currently love and might love in the future DO NOT watch Everything Everywhere All At Once when you are this high. That might actually be the way into the everything bagel. Good luck you loveable monument to moderately(ish) functional lunacy!

  38. All good Jenny. Usually I stop existing because I am too high, so it’s kinda novel when it’s someone else. Brains are weird, and I hope this stuff helps yours feel more happy weird rather than “please turn off the world” weird.

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  40. I took my dad to get his hearing aids adjusted, and they made him listen to this recording about carrots over and over. One statement in the recording said that carrots were from the parsley family. When they were finished, he looks up and says, “I don’t understand what any of that has to do with The King.” The audiologists and I are all looking at each other for quite some time before I realize he was hearing “parsley” as “Presley” and spent each iteration of that recording thinking that there was some connection between carrots and Elvis.

  41. Should I be concerned at all that I was totally able to follow your logic and story? I sure hope this ketamine stuff works for you. I have been in a remission from depression for nearly 18 mos now. I still have moments that last a few hours, but (knock wood) I do have bouts of dog joy fairly regularly. And black-bean brownies really help, too.

  42. My brother (older than you) recently finished his ketamine therapy. Texted me last night that he’s lost 12 lbs, doesn’t numb by watching TV, can actually read books (hasn’t been able to since teen years), flossing every night (I never knew that was a thing for him) and cut his alcohol by 2/3. Also has been able to cut back on his anxiety meds. Life changing for him and I’m SO happy he was able to get this treatment. I hope you have results as good or better!

  43. First, so glad to see Dorothy Barker doing so great.
    Second, I’m seconding dog imagery for relaxation. If I want my blood pressure to normalize, I picture a lapful of wriggling puppies, all trying to lick me at once!

  44. First, so glad to see Dorothy Barker doing so great.
    Second, I’m seconding dog imagery for relaxation. If I want my blood pressure to normalize, I picture a lapful of wriggling puppies, all trying to lick me at once!

  45. First, so glad to see Dorothy Barker doing so great.
    Second, I’m seconding dog imagery for relaxation. If I want my blood pressure to normalize, I picture a lapful of wriggling puppies, all trying to lick me at once!

  46. First, so glad to see Dorothy Barker doing so great.
    Second, I’m seconding dog imagery for relaxation. If I want my blood pressure to normalize, I picture a lapful of wriggling puppies, all trying to lick me at once!

  47. I WONDERED what happened to three weeks. Fear not. I am back in existence now. But what is this green thing growing out of the top of my head?

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  49. Just wondering why you are “starting over” on Ketamine….. I thought you started Ketamine a few years ago? My daughter has been using it for about 5 years and she gets booster shots every 3 weeks. She also takes Ketamine troches and Oxytocin nasal spray daily ….. we get these from a compounding pharmacy but our Ketamine provider prescribes them. She also uses psilocybin to deal with depression. It all works! She is very stable and does not fall into significant depressions. She also has way more “brain power” than she has had in years! She thinks clearly and is now in a career that requires her to gain and use new information and higher level thinking skills. She could not have done this even a few years ago. I highly recommend you continue with Ketamine and add in some other out-of-the-box treatments if you can. Good Luck!

  50. It must be depression season in South Texas. Or maybe just the pollen? I was just pondering Ketamine today when I spent the second day unable to get out of bed. Thank you so much for sharing your story around this. Also, thank you for sharing Dorothy.

  51. If you don’t like carrots, try parsnips. They are the personality of vegetables. I shit you not. mts

  52. *swoon*
    There’s a reason there’s a song… about getting high. I mean.

  53. Maybe someone has already suggested this but I couldn’t find it on your blog so apologies in advance – have you tried Tapping? My counselor suggested it to me and I do it every morning and every night before bed. It’s related to the Chinese medical practice of using meridian points. Just google “tapping” or “the tapping solution”. It’s just another tool to use and has really helped with my own depression and anxiety. In the morning I combine it with my “20 minutes of sunlight before 11:00 am” routine. Thank you for your writings. May the force be with you!

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