Sometimes I even surprise myself. Not usually with unexpected sex toys though.

This morning Victor texted me from work with the message, “Um what the hell is this?” and I assumed it was a receipt for something I’d bought after drinking but instead it was a link to my goodreads page and I panicked because I thought maybe someone had written something terrible about me but turns out it was a link to this:

I replied, “Ah. Clearly you’ve found my side hustle” and he hasn’t responded since then because he’s probably not sure I’m joking.

I investigated a little further and apparently there are lots of bizarre things attributed to me currently and I don’t know how to fix this so I did the next best things and left a review to clarify things:

There are actually multiple sex toys attributed to me currently and I don’t know how to delete them but I do have access to edit them so I changed the details to this:

But as soon as I hit publish it went right back to being about sex toys because of course it did. Then again, I guess if it had taken the changes it would have looked like I wrote a book entitled “Let me assure you, I didn’t write a book about dildos” which is probably just as perplexing.

How’s your Wednesday going?

61 thoughts on “Sometimes I even surprise myself. Not usually with unexpected sex toys though.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Extremely funny and bizarre. Which seems to fit. Even if the purple dildo doesn’t. No wonder Victor was perplexed! Too bad you weren’t able to edit it because your description is much better than theirs. My only question is; What next?

  2. Oh, gawd, this is hilarious. And I totally think you should write a book titled, “Let me assure you, I didn’t write a book about dildos.” Instant best-seller.

  3. Anyone who knows you knows that any vibrator actually made by you would have a raccoon face on it.

  4. Well, as far as Wednesdays go, I haven’t pooped myself, so I’ll take the win. Not that I usually poop myself, mind you. I just saw a funny meme about it and thought, “hey, at least I got that going for me.” And FYI, I can think of no better name for a sex toy than Furiously Happy. Yay you!!!

  5. That “review” was the first thing in my Goodreads feed this morning, and let me tell you, I had to wonder what you were up to for a moment…..

  6. I think 2d in the series could be “okay, this book IS about dildos”

  7. We just found out that our babysitter (from when our teens were littles) died. This young person came out non-binary a few years ago, and I wondered how that would work out since they were from a fairly conservative Christian community. Literally adopted and homeschooled by a minister’s wife. Fun teen activities they’d tell me about before I left the house were things like bible quiz competitions where teens compete to see who has best memorized entire chapters line by line, etc. I include that for an example of the conservative level this young person grew up within.

    I don’t blame their death on their family nor Christianity. Their family is awesome and their church seems fine to me. However, it really sucks that people struggle to be themselves. I’m sure many saw the ‘coming out as non-binary’ as an act of a troubled youth. It’s 2023 people! Can’t we start accepting others and focus on the love. I don’t want to lose anymore young people…or older people for that matter, but eventually we’ll all go.

    Just to say…I’d rather have tons of famous sex toys sold with my name on them if it meant I could have this kid that I barely know back. It’s a sad Wednesday here.

  8. I’m actually more surprised that you also apparently write math textbooks.

  9. “Let me assure you, I didn’t write a book about dildos” will be the title for my first and only book.

  10. “Thirty speeds”? Yikes. When I cannot sleep I watch TV. I found an infomercial that advertises “sex toys, 50% off!”. Interesting crap at 4am. I hate to say it, but it is kinda cool that you could be referred to in this case. In a nice, Puritan way though.

  11. There is another Jenny Lawson who sometimes shows up in my email. I get all excited that it’s you, but it’s: Jenny Lawson, Vice President of Organizing and Electoral Campaigns Planned Parenthood Action Fund. While I also read her emails and sometimes send money, it’s a different type of excitement. Maybe she wrote the book on dildos?

  12. I’m not sure if this would be better or worse than the yet-to-be-released “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” line of similar products…

  13. “Unexpected sex toys” is definitely not a phrase I expected to see today. So it too is “unexpected.”

    Your next book could be called “This Is Not a Book About Dildos (or any other unexpected toys).”

  14. Good title for a book!
    There should be a way to remove erroneous stuff being attached to your name online. I hope you figure out a way to get a cut of the money they make off of selling this stuff if it has your name attached to it.

  15. This wins the internet today, hands down. I cannot stop laughing. So even without any vibration whatsoever, my day is furiously happy thanks to your side hustle! 🤣

  16. Is the problem that it’s purple? That seems like a weird color to get off to, but I guess they’re all the same in the dark. And also, 30 speeds? I’d think one would be enough. How the hell would you keep track of that many? P.S. I think I’d totally buy into Jenny brand sex toys. Nowhere Anal Pleasures (need a good time, take a NAP!).

  17. Are you sure this wasn’t a ploy just to get us to check out your goodreads page? 🙂

    Even more surprising than you being an author of … a sex toy! … is that you are apparently the author of several books about MATH. Course, that appears to be getting fixed as I type – when I looked a moment ago, there were five books, now there are only three.

  18. As you once had nipples coming out of your purse, I wouldn’t put anything by you. No judgment, of course! 😉🙀😹

  19. Like Christine in #15, I get really excited when I see an email from Jenny Lawson! Then I realize it’s Planned Parenthood and it’s disappointing. I like them, too, but not the same way. But I’d probably buy a book about sex toys called Furiously Happy. Only if you wrote it.

  20. This is easily the best thing I’ve read in a long time. I’m so sorry, but thank you.

  21. I will never stop being grateful that you are in the universe Jenny. I AM sorry someone has created this problem for you to try to sort out. But I’ve been having a day (not a good one). And now I have laughed so hard and snorted and I can’t remember why my day was bad.

  22. I mean, to be fair, Furiously Happy Sex Products is a pretty good name! Start up that side hustle then sue the assholes for using your biz name! I looked it up to be sure it didn’t exist already – sort of afraid of what I might find – and was happy to see that Jenny Lawson was the only thing attached to the biz name. Good luck!

  23. You really know how to make lemonade out of dildos, Jenny…I mean, lemonade out of lemons 😆

    In all seriousness (dildos aside) you really have the best attitude! No matter what life throws your way you bravely keep going. Hopefully the dildo debacle is resolved soon. Hmmm Dildo Debacle could maybe be a decent band name…

    I’m truthfully having an awful moment brought on by disappointing developments regarding my adenomyosis (and probable) endometriosis treatment. My condition is disabling and isolating and it feels like nothing will ever get better, even though I know that is just my depressed (liar) brain squawking at me unhelpfully…I know I have to keep moving forward in order for things to improve.

    Another speed bump is I have to renew my drivers license and I’m unsure if I have to inform the DMV of my neurological condition. My neurologist said it’s safe for me to drive as long as I feel good that day and have no episodes for at least two months or longer (I’m at the 4 month benchmark). He even encouraged me to get back to driving as part of a “normal routine.” Perhaps (as usual) I’m overthinking the whole entire damn thing! All in all, the things mentioned and other things are putting me in a hole.

    I’m inspired by your prior postings though about writing a joyfulness list…not a gratitude list (because fuck that). I think that could be helpful for me. 🙂 Thanks for being you, Jenny, and tribe!

  24. Thank you Jenny, my Wednesday went from furiously meh to furiously hilarious (and also happy). And now I’m pondering the merits of a mile-high-vibrating-purple-dildo-club and I’m curious to know which taxidermied mascot you’d create to be the spokescteature.

  25. After a particularly shitty Wednesday, you have made me laugh so hard I peed my pants. Which is not a big feat after three kids! Keep writing these witty posts beautiful Bloggess! Love ya!

  26. I’m in bed with a migraine today, and my son just handed me a tiny jar, labeled MARSHA, containing a single yellow butterfly wing.

  27. I swear, it’s not a Furiously Happy Anal Sex Vibrator Toy For Women you’re hearing. Those are my emotional support bees. Yes, in my pants. Don’t ask me why. Ask Jenny Lawson, she’s the one who sold me the bees swearing they were ethically taxidermied BUT THEY ARE VERY MUCH ALIVE

  28. Oh my god Jenny! This is hysterical! I’d keep this one on the back burner, just in case this writing gig goes south!😂

  29. Well, I turned 55 today (which I suppose is better than the alternative), and I am only just now like today this minute learning how to use the iPhone my BFF set me up with. I mean damn, I’ve been agoraphobic for 20+ years, I never go anywhere without my Vulcan (or someone else with a phone), and I was still in the mindset that Phones Are For Calling People or Taking Pictures. And now EVERY DAMN THING IS PREDICATED ON THE NOTION THAT YOU *MUST* HAVE A PHONE and I can’t live the life I want to lead going forward (being a wig stylist and costumer/atelier) unless I give up and give in. Little kids use phones, my BFF’s 82 year old Mom uses a phone; it’s time to get hip.

    Your Pal,

    Storm the Klingon

    PS I DID have one of those flip phones way back in the day, I’m not an utter and total Luddite.

  30. Well if anyone could write a book about a 30 speed vacuum cleaner used as a sex toy it’d be you. I bet you’re planning your sex toy side hustle empire now. You can do it I believe in you! BTW this is freaking hysterical.

  31. Sorry about all this; you handled it well. Here’s a random tip for everyone: if you pack a vibrator in your luggage when you fly, remove the batteries first. Don’t ask how I know this.

  32. Now I feel a lot better about the up-close crotch-shot photo some rando shared with me via Google Drive yesterday. WTH is going on? I mean, fine, take a picture of your junk and send it…to someone who asked for it.

  33. Start making over $600 a day from your timeshare home easily. I made $18,781 from this job in my spare time after college. c50 easy work to do and his steady income is amazing. No skills are required for this job. All you need to know is how to copy and paste items online. Sign up today by following the details on this page.

    Here is I started.…>>

  34. This is about Ketamine so I know this comment will probably not get noticed but I’m about to start ketamine treatments and was looking for more information on how the second round of treatments are going for you. I noted that you said one day you were out of it all day and I wondered what that meant. Did you still experience out of body experiences or were you just exhausted? While you say your depression is still present, just not as bad, wondering if you are also working with a therapist to help you process and if you have been able to get off any medications thanks to the ketamine. I sure hope you find this. I am quite nervous.

  35. It reminds me of when Neil Gaimen’s Goodreads account was hacked a few years ago. Although the hacker was not this hilarious.

  36. “Furiously Happy” branded sex-toys is a guaranteed win.

  37. FWIW, I just left your dildo a five-star review BUT Goodreads tells me I can’t review it because the book “doesn’t meet their catalog guidelines.” It’s a full moon and that’s the only way I can explain any of this.

  38. Last week my ex husband found pics of my boobs on Boob Critic and we argued for a day as to whether or not those were even my boobs. It turns out I have a mole I didn’t know I had that he was well aware of. Pretty sure it was my boobs but not certain, so either someone has somehow got pics of my boobs that I am not certain I took, maybe I did, hard to tell, OR I have a boob-look-a-like out there, a boobie twin, a pointer sister, a breast friend. a donglebanger… Tit’s hard to tell. Udderly sus.

  39. Make over $600 a day easily from your own timeshare home. I made $18,781 from this job in my spare time after college. “36 years of easy work and his steady income is amazing. No skills are required for this position. All you need to know is how to copy and paste items online.Sign up today by following the details on this page. Here I am.…>>

  40. If you have a Goodreads profile, GO CHECK IT NOW! I just checked mine (I write a children’s book) and saw there were three other books added on there there I didn’t write. Three kids books by other people. So not quite as exciting as Jenny’s additions, but still super annoying!

  41. Apparently you’re branching out into underwater headsets. Always good to diversify:

    Furiously Happy Wireless Headset Bone Conduction Bluetooth Swimming Waterproof Headset High-Sound Quality With Mp3 Music Microphone Sports Bluetooth 5.0 Stereo Bone Sensing Hearing-Aid Headset

    (How would this even work?)

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