I am totally overrated – Page 31

The time I scared Blair from the Facts of Life.

First of all, let me clarify that all of this is completely fucking true. Like, word-for-word. Secondly, this might not be funny to anyone else but me but honestly this is my favorite marketer that I’ve ever dealt with in the history of the universe. Remember Blair from Facts of Life? Well her publicist contactedContinue reading “The time I scared Blair from the Facts of Life.”

This is all old shit to you unless you don’t obsessively follow my twitter feed

Did you know that I write stuff at a lot of different places? Like so many that sometimes I get confused and can’t remember when my deadlines are and then I panic and post too much and then Victor yells at me for being obsessed with blogging and not cleaning the house enough and thenContinue reading “This is all old shit to you unless you *don’t* obsessively follow my twitter feed”

I almost forgot to mention the dead bear in the backyard. That’s what kind of post this is, y’all.

So I’m finally back from my trip to my old hometown in West Texas and people who aren’t from Texas always think that’s no big deal but then they travel through Texas and realize that Texas is larger than Canada and Asia and India all rolled together. It doesn’t look that way on the map butContinue reading “I almost forgot to mention the dead bear in the backyard. That’s what kind of post this is, y’all.”

If I see Steve Jobs I am going to bite him in the face

So I kept telling Victor I wanted a mac because all the cool people have one and he’s all “You HATE change. Stick with your PC that I built out of Pterodactyls because that’s how long ago it was. PC’s are awesome if you are a Republican.” But then my friend Laura was all “BasicallyContinue reading “If I see Steve Jobs I am going to bite him in the face”

I’d probably use a nail gun for the mannequin arms but I’d give the marlins antibiotics so they wouldn’t get infections so stop judging me, PETA

The other day Victor and I were taking Hailey to get a hair cut and she was all “Can I get my hair cut by a fish?” and Victor’s like “Uh…no. Fish don’t have arms, kid” and I’m all “Ohmygod we should totally glue arms onto fish” and Victor’s all “What?” and I’m like “WeContinue reading “I’d probably use a nail gun for the mannequin arms but I’d give the marlins antibiotics so they wouldn’t get infections so stop judging me, PETA”

Did you know that “righteous” doesn’t have a “ch” or an “sh” in it even though it sounds like it should? Thank God this blog has spellcheck.

Shit that happened this week: 1. Hailey recovered from scarlet fever and then I got it except the guy at the readi-clinic was all “You just have a cold, ma’am” but I feel like shit so I’m pretty sure it’s the plague and also why the fuck are you calling me “ma’am”? I realize you’re only 25 but youContinue reading “Did you know that “righteous” doesn’t have a “ch” or an “sh” in it even though it sounds like it should? Thank God this blog has spellcheck.”