If I see Steve Jobs I am going to bite him in the face

So I kept telling Victor I wanted a mac because all the cool people have one and he’s all “You HATE change.  Stick with your PC that I built out of Pterodactyls because that’s how long ago it was.  PC’s are awesome if you are a Republican.”  But then my friend Laura was all “Basically Macs are for dumb people who like shiny things” and I’m all “Holy shit, that’s totally me” and Victor was all “I’m just not sure this is right for you” and I’m like “Dude, I totally know what I’m doing here so stop questioning me”.  So yesterday Victor got me a mac and installed it for me and now I’m all “WTF?” because first off all, there’s no CPU.  It’s just a giant monitor and no tower thingy and I’m all “Where’s the tower?” and Victor’s like “It doesn’t have one” and I’m all “No seriously, where is it?” and Victor’s like “I thought you said you read up about these things?” and I’m all “I READ THAT IT WAS SHINY!” and then Victor was all “Huh?” and I’m like “I heard that it was shiny?” and then he walked off.  So basically it runs on magic.  Which seems fine except before when my PC would break I would just blow on the tower and keep turning it off and on until it fixed itself except it usually wouldn’t and I’d have to ask Victor to fix it and he’d get all huffy and I’d be all “Well I’ve been working on it for hours” and now how am I supposed to pretend that I tried everything when all there is a monitor and a keyboard and  also the keyboard is so tiny that I think it’s missing letters.

Also I started surfing and I kept trying to right-click and it wouldn’t let me and I’m all “VICTOR THIS MOUSE IS BROKEN” and he’s like “There’s isn’t a right-click button.  Macs are different” and then I stopped breathing for a little bit.  Also there is no “print screen” button and instead there’s a button to make the sun brighter and another one to set cruise control, apparently.  I could be wrong about these because I’m afraid to touch anything at this point.  I even had a whole Nancy W. Kappes post for you today except it’s in my email and I have to be able to copy and I can’t do that because I can’t right -click and THIS FUCKING COMPUTER IS TRYING TO DESTROY ME.  In fact, the only thing I’ve accomplished all day long is that there’s a camera on the computer that’s kind of awesome and I used it to give myself three boobs like in that movie that had the lady with three boobs.  I can’t remember the name of it and I would google it but I can’t figure out how to open another window without losing this post but I’m pretty sure it was called “The Color Purple”.


So, yeah.  Mission accomplished.

Comment of the day: The joy of that photo is that it is all things to all people.  If you want to see three boobs, they’re there.  If you want to see a massive Cleavage Canyon, your wish is granted.  But once you see one it becomes impossible to see the other, unless you blur your eyes and stare for awhile, but then your colleagues come up and they’re all, WHAT’S WITH THE THE THREE TITS? and you have to explain that all you see is a cleavage canyon, and you’re reminded how hard it is to connect with others, and you sink into an existential malaise.  Perhaps it’s best not to look at the photo.~ Dropkickjeffy

194 thoughts on “If I see Steve Jobs I am going to bite him in the face

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Is the movie Total Recall?

    I’ve thought about a MAC but have used PC’s so long I just can’t be arsed to change.

    Mik’s last blog post..Argh frostbite

  2. Oh man, where do I start? Part of my job—no I don’t work at Apple—is getting new Mac users accustomed to their new digs so, here’s some help:

    Right click? You can get a mouse with right click but until then hold CTRL before you click and it’s the same as right click.

    Print Screen? Pressing APPLE+SHIFT+3 will take a full screenshot. Pressing APPLE+SHIFT+4 gives you crosshairs where you can drag out a portion of your display to screenshot. Or, after pressing the key combo to get the crosshairs, you can press the spacebar to change the crosshairs to a camera that captures a specific window as a screenshot.

    More help can be found here.
    Apple rookies generally appreciate this link.

    wahooligan’s last blog post..Sorry, Sully, But The Jonas Brothers Actually Came First

  3. You can plug a regular assed USB mouse in and reclaim the power to right click like a human being.

    Primarily I use linux, specifically Ubuntu, and I highly recommend it.

  4. Welcome to the magic. Wow, I think the space under your third eye and between your two noses is in the shape of an upside down Mary Magdalene. People are going to be lighting candles and making little altars on in your two cleavages. Could be a little stream of income for you. See, Macs rock.

    Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..I’m Magneto Bold Too, Too

  5. This is completely creepy because I just posted a blog in which my PC may or may not have died and I mentioned buying a Macbook AND I have a friend named Laura. I am so in your head. But I only have two boobs. Unless you count my ex-boyfriend. Then I have three.

    Sawing on a Jawbone’s last blog post..69?d by Stumbleupon; Also, There Are Two Banana-Yellow VW Bugs in the Parking Lot, and I’m Pretty Sure That is a Sign of the Apocalypse

  6. I think the movie is “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”. What could make two teens’ adventures more excellent than a chick with three boobs?

    Tim Thraeryn’s last blog post..Senses.

  7. The cool thing about a Mac is that you don’t have to worry about blowing on the CPU and turning it off and on when the computer crashes because Macs don’t crash. That’s what the commercial says anyway and we all know that the TV doesn’t lie. Especially paid advertisements.

    You’re a Mac. Congrats.

  8. Wasn’t there a three-boob shower scene in “Silence of the Hams?”

  9. I studied Computer Science for a year, and our professor was a huge Mac fan, so instead of signing us up for a NORMAL computer lab to do our work in, he sent us to a Mac lab, which was hidden in the basement of some building they were clearing asbestos from. I went there once, and the room was full of shiny Macs, so I picked out a pink one and touched the mouse to, you know, see what it did. AND THE SCREEN WENT BLACK.

    Since then, I’ve left those Macs the hell alone.

  10. it print screen hold cmd, shift and press 4 then drag over what you want (to take the whole screen press 3 instead) and in the mouse settings you can turn right click on(apple call it secondary click) 🙂

  11. I was going to give you the right-click trick, but it seems someone already gave away that secret. I switched to a Mac a few years ago, and I love it so much more. Of course, I have to use a PC all the time at work, so basically I’m always clicking the wrong side of the window to close things. But since my boss is always trying to pick things off my boobs and patting my ass, really, I have bigger problems.

    shine’s last blog post..It’s a…date?

  12. Welcome to Mac Land. You can have your right-mouse click by going to system preferences > mouse> and then click on the drop-down menu to set the right side of the mouse to “secondary button”.

    Love you blog, it keeps me rofl

  13. Mac is easy. I don’t like the Mac mouse, so I use a Microsoft optical mouse with a wheel. Whee! but currently, I don’t use the desktop I use my Macbook and I don’t use a mouse at all.

    In preferences you can change your mouse button wants…trust me, you will like it once you get used to it. You think sex is good…until you experience your first orgasm and then OMG your head blows off and where has this been all my life?? It’s like that. Once you go Mac, you don’t go back.


    T@SendChocolate’s last blog post..All I Wanted Was A Beer, Not My Ego Handed To Me

  14. i’m pretty much positive that if god asked how he could make me more perfect, i would say “give me a tri-cleave like the bloggess please and thank you” but then i’d be fucked trying to find a tri-bra in double d and i’d wind up like those women in national geographic with the really long boobs and people would say i am almost as hot as the chick from total recall only the boobs are more color purple. you know, cause poor people have a hard time finding good bras.

    britt’s last blog post..beaner and the breaking of blog silence

  15. Very nice, strategic placement of the empty Mac box. Between that and your third boob, that image should be in the Louvre.

    Lesley’s last blog post..Loved

  16. I stopped evangelizing about the Mac after we convinced my mother in law to buy one. My tech support nightmare has been never ending. I don’t answer the phone anymore. I have faith you will actually come to love your Mac, because you’re not crazy like my mother in law. You’re crazy, but not like my mother in law. Except that post about the Giraffe raping you with its urine-soaked muzzle kinda reminded me of her goats. But besides that you guys are really different, so I think you’ll love your Mac once you get past the initial shock.

    badassdad05’s last blog post..kid’s eye view

  17. No Mac 4 me, shiny or not. I know what I know and that’s it, no learning going on in my world. I’m just sick of the Mac Superiority Complex…Do they teach u that when u buy the thing?

  18. Settle down. You will adjust to the mac. You can get a Mac scrolly mouse and program it to right click. You will love it once you’ve spent enough time get to know it. I swear on all things fabulous.

    Lori Magno’s last blog post..The Billy Stump

  19. Don’t worry. Just have Victor install Windows on it (yes, he can do that), go buy a regular non-magic mouse (and keyboard if the missing buttons are vital..like Print Screen) and before you know it, you’ll have all the comfortable familiarity of a PC with the shiny-sparkles of a MAC.

    Problem solved.

  20. Does this mean Destro from GI Joe is a Mac user? Because as I remember it, he was pretty shiny. And dumb. I mean, who dresses their ninja all in white? Are you a sinister evil henchman, or creating next seasons fashions with Christian LaCroix? Maybe Destro was LaCroix! This would explain why that one Cobra lady was so hot and that one GI Joe lady could never hook up with anyone. Not even the Giant Native American who always had an eagle on his shoulder. And who flies a fighter jet with a freaking eagle on his shoulder, anyway?

    Alex’s last blog post..Definitions: cloudenfreude

  21. When we switched to Mac we had the same shit. A few stiff drinks of the cool-aid and we are now Mac lovers. The Jim Jones (Steve Jobs) will get you everytime.

    The Guys’s last blog post..Breaking Up

  22. You make me laugh out loud. Which is embarrassing because then the kids want to know what I’m laughing about and then I can’t tell them and certainly can’t show them a woman with 3 boobs who writes about clown porn, because what self-respecting mother finds that funny? So, basically, I’m informing you that I’m no self-respecting mother.

  23. It also appears that you have a second computer…judging from the two boxes in the picture (due to the super cool mac trickery). I imagine the 2nd one is for your 3rd boob. That’s pretty cool that your 3rd boob is so advanced that it can type on it’s own keyboard….when does The 3rd Boobloggess site launch?

    P.s. you totally described my life when I broke my mac and had to settle for a PC…only in reverse…and with more tears. Macs are waaaaayyyy better

    Hannah’s last blog post..how is it that I’m always sucked into the world’s dramatics

  24. I was all set to say it was Total Recall, but like 42 people beat me to it.

    I don’t understand Mac either. But I like that it’s shiny. Because shiny things are pretty, and that’s always good!

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..Shopping FAIL! Bedtime WIN!

  25. I can’t fucking believe you have Blythe Dolls!!! I had one when I was 5. I still own her dress. I don’t know what happened to her. I was on this local kid’s show called “Captain Kid” and the other kid on the show won a Blythe Doll by guessing the right number and all I got was a bunch of bubble bath packets in a box in the shape of a one room school house. (I think it was rigged because I busted the camera man doing the voice of the parrot while we were on air.) Anyway, I wasn’t allowed to take bubble baths on account of them being bad for vaginas. So, my parents bought me a Blythe Doll for a good report card. True story.

    I think WM has come up with Mac’s next campaign.

  26. Any mouse that does not have a right click button is the work of the devil. Also, it’s very easy to take the whole hard drive of a mac and put it in the trash. That’s how I got fired from my 17th job.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..Jesus, I’m Depressed

  27. And then the token “old guy” comes up to me at the office and is like: “What is this iWork?” You mac people… I’m just in love with my EEEPC… you can’t get any cuter than that… well maybe if it was pink…

  28. There is a right click. Go to your mouse preferences and tell it to… oh fuck I will email you.
    And I just finished getting my new iMac set up. That makes 5 working Macs in my house. Not counting the doorstops.

    Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..May Greeblepix Contest!

  29. Three boobs? Eccentrica Gallumbits, the Triple-Breasted Whore of Eroticon VI, from The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Sheesh, I thought everyone knew that.

    You right-click with your third boob.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..The Hymen Manoeuvre

  30. Awesome double cleavage. My boyfriend has a Mac and he’s already trying to figure out how you did that because he totally wants to see me with three boobs. And that pretty much sums up the rest of our evening here. So thanks for that!

    Andi’s last blog post..Daring Cooks – The Inaugural Challenge!

  31. So jealous. Not of the 3 boobs. My 2 Ds are plenty enough boobage for me. And get no complaints from the loverboy when he plays with them…

    Jealous of the Mac! I’ve always used PCs, except for this short time when I was in college, but then we all know college is about kinky experimentations and suchness…

    But I’m getting a Mac in September when I start college again… it’s part of the program that I’m doing 🙂

    Gwynne’s last blog post..Random Rambling Tuesday

  32. Those are really cool dolls on your shelf. The one with the cat ears is my favorite. Is it like a catsuit or do the ears grow right out of her head? Either way, I’d like to pet it or maybe even borrow it for the evening. Please let me know if there’s any way we can arrange this. I’ll come to you. Don’t worry, I’m not some “weirdo.” You can never be too careful these days.

    MayoPie’s last blog post..You did what? And… you’re telling me about it?

  33. For the record, selecting it with regular mouse strokes and using your “control” (or as I always called it on my Mac, “open apple” button) plus C or V or whatever you did on your PC will work too. But yeah, control plus mouse clicks = right click….

    Trust me, you’ll love it… It’s sooo shiny! 🙂

  34. OK, you DO have right-clicky, but you have to enable it in the System Prefs Mouse panel and switch the right button (yes there is one, you just can’t see it) to “secondary mouse button.” No idea why this just isn’t fucking on in the first place, but, Apple.

  35. AWESOME.

    I know lot of people have already told you about the mouse, but you don’t need to get a new one. Go to System Preferences > Keyboard & Mouse – and you will see that there is a diagram of the mouse. One line points to the right side of the mouse. You can change the pull-down on the right side to “secondary click” and the mouse will then have a left and right click.

  36. Not that I’m an expert or anything – but the gold shiny pointed dildo things on the shelf behind you, make you appear as if you have horns. It’s probably a side effect from using a Mac. Cool boobs.

  37. Freaky alert: So I read the comments after I posted because I like to repeat shit other people have already said, and the one other comment about those dolls is from… my sister. I now have to call her so we can have one of those brother/sister brainshare laugharoos (yes, that’s exactly what we call them.)

    MayoPie’s last blog post..You did what? And… you’re telling me about it?

  38. Hey Bloggy, love the triple boobs look. Not sure how well a titty fuck would work. Hmmm!. Maybe you could use your cam to make your man have two dicks. Then that might work better. lol

  39. Fargo (#5): Oh god no! Don’t let Jenny near an Linux PC. Linux will actually let you do stuff with your PC. It’s like (using a car metaphor):

    Mac = back seat, Windows = passenger seat, Linux = under the hood with an impact wrench.


    Mac = food processor, Windows = blender, Linux = chainsaw.

    Jenny: You definitely don’t want Linux. It’s not shiny or anything.

    Steve’s last blog post..A Cold Fusion Song

  40. Ah, I see the issue. See, no one ever told you about the 12 steps of Mac love. Sounds like you just crossed over into Step 6.
    1. Attraction
    2. Lust
    3. Infatuation
    4. Disillusionment
    5. Frustration
    6. Hate
    7. Acceptance
    8. Learning from each other/seeking a new beginning
    9. Trust
    10. Reliance
    11. Love
    12. Bliss

    Now, in moving to Step 7: Acceptance, you need to remember two really simple rules:
    1. Command key (the little apple key) = CRTL seriously, try it for copy, paste, cut etc…
    2. When trying to do something such as install new software or a device it either A) works (insanely easy) or B) doesn’t work. If you find yourself with a “doesn’t work” scenario, don’t take that as a challenge from Bill Gates to find out how to _make it_ work. Just accept that it _will not_ work and move on.


    Chris’s last blog post..I’m Really Fit to be a Father – Really, I Am

  41. OhMyGod, you should be here. I JUST got a MacBook for Mother’s Day and I’m still trying to figure things out. I hate Safari but have to open it every time I want to put a photo into iphoto, so I get all confused with the windows I have open. AND, I have no “Home” key to jump to the front of the line, nor do I have a key that deletes everything in front of it, so I have to backspace everything. Makes me a little nutty. And, this cool little feature called “Grab” that I was so excited to try? It just jumps a little in my dock when I click it but DOES NOTHING. Grab this, Grab.

    So, yeah, still working out the kinks. And my thumb is tired from having to click the laptop mouse pad.

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..Pomp and Circumstance

  42. Macs are awesome and kind of tricky at first. When I got mine I just stayed away from it for a week watching it on its glorious shininess until I felt like I was living on a bubble for not knowing anything people were talking about and decided to venture on Steve Jobs’ geniality. By now probably someone already explained it to you but i don’t feel like reading every comment here.

    print screen: command + shift + 3, but there’s this totally cool thingie I don’t think my pc had that’s command + shift + 4

    copy: command + c
    paste: command + v
    (you don’t really have to be a genius to figure those last two out, it’s like a pc. duh)

    and to open a new tab on safari it’s command + t.

    Until I figured those out I just played with the camera too, three bob’s a classic, sorry to break it but you’re not that awesome.

  43. I see you found photobooth, that’s awesome (and somewhat magical) right?

  44. Thank you for reminding me why I don’t want to get a Mac. Love my ipod touch. Hate my work computer.

    Cammy’s last blog post..Text

  45. That’s some crazy cleavage. That middle boob is like totally tubular dude! Wasn’t that from a movie? I googled it, you know with my PC… but I couldn’t find it. Maybe you and your magic mac can find out and get back to me eh?

    karen’s last blog post..Did you keep your receipt?

  46. When my husband got a Mac, he just yelled at it a lot and said things like “Macs are supposed to be intuitive” which I think he thought meant “voice activated.”
    lol at the three breasts. Do you pay extra for mammograms?

    Marinka’s last blog post..Don’t Litter

  47. 3 boobs eh? My dog has you beat. She has 10. Yeah, she’s pretty proud of them, and I’d send you a photo, but I don’t want to make you jealous.
    Welcome to Apple. Life’s just much better with a shiny new computer.

    Hippo Brigade’s last blog post..My name on a Keychain

  48. I went through the EXACT SAME THING when I got my mac laptop for Christmas. I still struggle with the CTRL Click for right clicking, but I promise you’ll get used to it. Also, i totally wanted a Mac because it was shiny and all the cool people I have them.

    Rachel’s last blog post..Josie’s on a vacation far away

  49. I am a mac girl and have no idea what a right click is. On the rare occasions I don’t know how to do something on my mac I just grab one of my kids and tell them to teach me how. YOu have a kid, work her!

    clickmom’s last blog post..tit rattle is scary stuff

  50. The Apple Store has this really awesome program called “One to One” where you get a year-long membership and a teacher teaches you how to do stuff with your Mac. Whatever it is you want to do via Apple software, etc. If you go into the store they can tell you all about it and get you hooked up.

    Also? Right click:
    Either hit control when you click, or go to your system preferences and set up the buttons on your mouse to enable right click on the physical mouse. (To get to system preferences click on the apple logo in the upper left corner, and a drop down menu will lead you to s.p.).

    I wouldn’t call myself a Mac expert, but…yes, yes I would.

    Alexis’s last blog post..Good, Bad, and Whatever

  51. Oh, crap, I just read a bunch of the other comments and think my head almost exploded. People are making things way harder on themselves than they need to. Yeesh, I usually don’t teach people how to use Macs for that reason, it would make my brain bleed.

    Alexis’s last blog post..Good, Bad, and Whatever

  52. My huz bought a Mac that he “needs” for work – since when do financial planners need hi-end graphics capability? – and it’s sitting out on the dining room table. A desktop, 3 laptops & now this Mac. How am I expected to have time for housework?????

    ML’s last blog post..I’m her people

  53. Yeah, yeah, Mac rocks. Welcome to the party. You’re late. No more viruses. And the screen of death is sooo much more cool than window’s. You get a sound AND a face.

    Are your books color coordinated?! Your books are totally color coordinated!

    AmyAnne’s last blog post..The Family That Eats Together

  54. dear god jenny, only you could make me laugh when I’m freaking out because my hand slipped when I was getting my son out of the tub and now he has a great big ol’ goose egg on the back of his head and i’m afraid to let him go to sleep…but at least I’m laughing…

  55. Mr. Misha required that I convert to mac before he would marry me. He doesn’t approve of mixed marriages. Best decision I ever made- switching to mac. He’s not that bad either!

    Misha’s last blog post..Broken

  56. hahah … I JUST went through the same thing. I’m FINALLY getting used to it.

    FYI – print screen is now – command shift 4 – then you will see a lil gaph-like thing that you can select WHAT you want to copy – after selecting … it’ll put it on your desktop. It took me WEEKS to figure that out 😀

    kristy – wheres my damn answer’s last blog post..VERY FUN – Ford Fiesta Movement

  57. Awesome, you know I love shiny things too, but am easily distracted so I’d never get anything done if I had one. Also, change scares me.

    Coincidentally, I was watching “Good Luck Chuck” last night, and there is TOTALLY a chick with three boobs in it. Except you don’t get to see them. I am sure you’s look much better anyway.

    Jelly’s last blog post..I NEED my 30g, GIVE IT BACK! (This post is not about drugs)

  58. Well if i ever see Steve Jobs i’m gonna Bitch Slap him because i have been waiting for weeks for a Nancy W. Kappes post!!! And after attending my kindergartners parentteacher conf only to find out he would rather make guns out of other toys than to read I REALLY COULD OF USED A NANCY W KAPPES POST!!!

  59. Macs are awesome and shiny and all that, but in the tri-boob picture at the end I see two Blythe dolls, which are far more awesome.

  60. Hey in your tri-boob it looks like there’s a photo of your husband in a hotub with two girls (twins, by the look of it). Awesome that he keeps it in your office just out of your line of sight!

  61. Command (the key with an apple and a shamrock-like thingie) and t will open a new tab in FireFox and Safari, cmd + n will open a new window. If you don’t want to use Safari as your default browser you have to change the default in the Safari preferences (it took me awhile to figure that out when I switched).

    Em’s last blog post..More Crochet and Giveaway Results

  62. The movie is Total Recall. It was a source of much debate as a child when I caught it on TV after bedtime.

    I can’t stand not having a right click button. Some people think the tradeoff is worth it. I can’t do it.

    Kim’s last blog post..The Rest of the Story

  63. That picture is fucking awesome! Three boobs AND a pair of golden horns! I’m thinking I need a Mac like right now.

    zenmomma’s last blog post..I’m sick

  64. It was like reading a post that somebody wrote about me. My mac and I are not on speaking terms and I’ve given the (high and almighty) mac to the kids while I happily right click with my PC mouse. I cannot open new screens on that stupid mac for the life of me. I hate it. There, I said it. I hate macs.

    Karen’s last blog post..Let the Games Begin

  65. I think I can explain it in layman’s terms for you, Jen.
    Firstly, two boobs are plenty. Except for drive in movies. Then 3 should be the minimum allowed.
    Secondly, Learning to work a MAC is not that difficult at all.
    I’ve never even seen one, but I believe you simply use your CCTTLRWLTTL button to fasten on spare parts lying around the room then press ALT3,4,5,6 within six milliseconds while typing “I COMMAND YOU IN THE NAME OF “_ _(add favorite deity or anyone who knows Steve Jobs), and look for something to hit the fucking keyboard with. The word MAChiavellian had it’s start on the West Coast you know.
    There should also be a phone number underneath the device that you’ll see once you’ve thrown in on the floor 3 or 4 times. It’s for a liquor store. Call it immediately. No sense in going out on the window ledge sober, is it?
    Do you know any really good psychiatrists? —by “good’ I mean not the ones who have a MAC—no, the sane ones. They could be your friends after all of this is over, and the blood and bodies have been removed.
    Trust is important.

  66. DUDE i’ve been trying to figure out what the name of the 3 boob movie is called for years now.

  67. I’m getting three eyes but not three boobs.
    Just two boobs, kinds flat, with something resembling the grand canyon in between them.
    Oh, and Steve Jobs?
    He’s dead.
    Who knew you were a zombie?

    Sharkey!’s last blog post..Happy Mother’s Day Everyone!

  68. OK. Here’s the really good trick (once you get used to a trackpad). Go to Trackpad in System Preferences. Turn on Secondary Click (right-click for PC users…) under 2 fingers. Now, if you hold 2 fingers on the trackpad and click, you get the secondary menu. I use this ALL THE TIME. And the two fingers to scroll thing. Really, really easy. And fun.

  69. You boggle my mind. And I can’t read your post all in one breath, but that’s how I think it should be read…because that’s totally how your mind spews it, I know.

    Three boobs seem really inconvenient.

    Rhea’s last blog post..What do your shoes say about you?

  70. Everyone at my school uses PCs, but I’ve been a mac guy forever and I always point out when their computers can’t do things but mine can. That’s the fun of macs. They work. Also, the magic. Like a month ago I was chatting with this girl in class, comparing notes, and she was ragging on my mac and challenged me “I bet your mac can’t make me a sandwich”. And I had brought a sandwich to class but already had taken a bite out, so when the teacher wasn’t looking I passed the sandwich over to her (three people down) and then sent her the message “it even tested the sandwich for poison”. My friend lost it in the middle of class, laughing like crazy and the prof was ticked.

    So you see? Macs are better. they make the world smile. Even cranky hungry chicks.

  71. For alal those people who don’t really know how to use their Apple equipment – sign up for the classes – I think it is about $100 for 52 classes (once a week) for a 50 min class – $2 per class – it’s a great deal!

  72. Jenny! This is like the most totally amazing optical illusion EVER!!! I’m staring in amazement at your third boob, and my husband is standing behind me going, “there are only two boobs there with a lot of cleavage space”. I look again and close one eye and squint with the other and I’m all, “holy shit, you’re right!” You so rock! You set out to create three boobs and wind up with the most anatomically stupendous optical illusion!!! I am so in awe of you!

    Jean’s last blog post..La Salsa Villanueva

  73. Haha I’m watching The Color Purple right this very minute and I don’t recall anyone with three boobs in it.

  74. If you want to click on a link on a page and have it open in a new window, try the Apple (CTRL) button + left (normal) click.

  75. Don’t you understand? You don’t want to right-click, and Steve “Most Arrogant Dickhead Ever To Have Lived: Past, Present or Future” Jobs knows this for a fact. I actually was thinking of getting a Mac until I got sick of Mr. Black Shirt & Jeans’ over-inflated ego.

    Just swap out that useless, giant button and use a standard 2 button + scroll wheel mouse. The Mac already has the drivers for it, so it works perfectly.

    And yes, it is magic that makes it work, and it is trying to destroy you. Victor is lying.

    WazNeeni’s last blog post..Arrogant Dickhead

  76. In other, less important news, you also have three eyeballs.

    Shouldn’t that third eye be instead ISSUED to men as needed, to fully process the three boobs? Seems only fair. Or maybe you just have a turn because you were gonna go look in the mirror, or something? I can live with that.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Classic quotes, Vol. 14

  77. Isn’t the movie Jenny was most likely thinking of, Mallrats? Total Recall?? No way.

  78. Wow, this happened to me. I got seduced by the shiny. I’m back to the PC half the time anyway.

    My Mac has committed many crimes but the worst crime I’ve heard of is your Mac’s depriving me of Nancy J. Kappes. I too now want to bite Steve Jobs in the face.

    ozma’s last blog post..What’s Your ‘Fuck It All To Hell’ List?

  79. It’s not the 3 boobs or the MAC that makes this picture interesting. It’s the shiny things sticking out of your head which are either Devil Horns or twin dildos that you keep on a shelf in the den to distract people who come to visit.

  80. I remember the lady in Total Recall that had 3 Boobs. She totally had a thing for the Vagina Faced Mutant. The sexual chemistry between them was really electric until those Military guys came and started opening fire on everyone and 3 boob lady died and Vagina Face Mutant was left all alone and sad and then started dying when their air was cut off.

    On second thought, keep your 3 boobness away from Vagina’s and it’ll possibly save your life from not being shot in the face.

  81. It is Total Recall, but the woman’s three boobs went vertically, not horizontally like yours. So you’re an alien from a different planet.

  82. I despise Macs because they look so pretty and inviting, then you get on one and feel like a moron. I sympathize with you. Except that I know better than to want one… Everyone I know has an i this or i that or i thingamabob, and I personally want to bite their faces off too. Not just Steve Jobs…
    its kind of like the prius episode of south park – I am not a fan of the smell of my own farts, so I’ll stick with pc and chrystler thanks.

  83. Don’t forget that as a new Mac owner, you can visit an Apple Store and they will teach you how to use your new computer. Congrats on making the change. It might be frustrating now, but at least you’re cool! It’s better than not being cool and still frustrated and blowing on and turning your computer on and off.

  84. Welcome to the club! We have meetings with cookies and coffee. Just stand up and say “Hi, my name is The Blogess and I’m a macalcoholic.” Oh, wait, maybe that’s the wrong meeting… I’ve been drinking the Job’s Kool-Aid and sniffing the shiny for years so it’s hard to keep it all straight.

  85. My God, you’re killing me. I looked up “Funny” in the dictionary and your face was there. Then I looked up “really long sentences” in Wikipedia and your face was there too. You’re becoming a phenomenon.

  86. Macs are easy and they are the best, you just have to get used to them. To right click, you just hold down the control button while you’re — hey, what’s that shiny thing over there?

  87. A Mac and a pug. Get yourself two more pugs and one MacBookPro and experience the nirvana I do everyday*grin*

    Seriously–I was a bit freaked when I started out on my iMac. I LOVE it now and would never switch back. I still have a PC that I use in at work in addition to the iMac but that is less and less.

  88. Yay, you’ve crossed over! Trust me, one you get used to the Mac you will NEVER want to touch another PC again. All my computers are Macs now and I cringe when I even have to look at a PC.
    You’ll fall in love. Just wait.

  89. Go to your old PC. Unplug the mouse. Go to your shiny Mac. Unplug stupid Mac mouse. Plug PC mouse into Mac. Done!

    There’s an adjustment period, but I swear, soon you’ll be ready to tongue kiss Steve Jobs.

  90. People keep suggesting “Total Recall” for the tri-boob movie but I’m pretty sure you’re right – it was “The Color Purple.”

  91. Just wait until you have to delete something from your desktop. It’s impossible. And Safari is just…wrong.

  92. I haven’t read the rest of the replies – but I have a Mac and I use a regular two 5 button Logitech mouse. As long as it’s USB you can use any mouse you want 🙂

    Gwen’s last blog post..I’m Alive.

  93. I laugh because I have a PC with a tower-built-together-by-my-dad-nine-years-ago and I’ve been wanting a Mac for a while but this is exactly what stops me. Every time I think about it.

    ps: it was definitely Total Recall and I’m not sure I’m all that excited I could remember the title so quickly when I can’t even remember what I wore this morning.

    deutlich’s last blog post..The New Additions

  94. Jenny, the new site design ROCKS. Very nice. It is almost good enough to cover my disappointment that you went over to the dark side, computer-speaking.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Peking Dog

  95. I don’t have time to read your too-cool-for-school 144 comments to see if someone else already told you this, but if you go into System Preferences and then Mouse, you can set the right click to work. I use it all the time. I have also set the scrolling button to show me the desktop and minimize everything else when I push on it. Can I PC do that? I think not.

    PS – don’t forget to set your Mac to make you pancakes in the morning, they’re really tasty.

    SassyTwoSocks’s last blog post..Baaaabbbby-ayyy!

  96. Hi. I’m Republicanish. I think MACs are awesome and shiny. But why do they have to be so different anyway? Why can’t they just leave the button to close the browser on the right side of the window? I’m a little concerned that you were still right clicking to copy and paste while using your PC. You did know you could just hit CTRL+C to copy right? It’s faster is all. But whatevs. Congratulations on your new shiny compy.

    Jones’s last blog post..Wicked Weiners

  97. “1. Command key (the little apple key) = CRTL seriously, try it for copy, paste, cut etc…”

    I once house-sat for a friend with a Mac. The only thing I couldn’t figure out was how to navigate text like Windows does (and many programs in Linux do). Command-left does NOT work like Ctrl-left does, and it drove me INSANE. Also, that isn’t anywhere in the linked videos or the Apple support “switching from Windows 101” thing.

  98. I’ve had an iMac for about a year. It sits on my desk along with my PC. Maybe because I still have access to the PC, I have yet to be assimilated into the Borg^H^H^H^H Apple collective. Most of the time the iMac acts as a jukebox for my music collection and a backup web browser when I’m gaming on the PC.

    BTW, the first thing I did after using the mac mouse for the first time was toss it and get a proper mouse with buttons. Also, WTF is up with the prices Apple charges for RAM? When I bought my Mac, they wanted $800 to put 4Gig of RAM in the thing! I spent $80 for the same amount of RAM, took out 1 screw and put it in myself.

    Gotta admit, it certainly is shiny though and I totally did the same thing with the camera when I discovered it although, being a dude, my cleavage wasn’t nearly as impressive as yours.

  99. I just want people to start making more mac viruses so that mac users will stop being so damn smug about that. Honestly, though, if my first experience with modern computers had been with macs I’d probably be a mac user. As it is, my intro into modern computer use started with PC and I was hooked.

    Carrie Jo’s last blog post..The Symptoms Have Hit

  100. Find any USB mouse that has a right-click button. Plug it in. Walla. Same works for keyboards.

    And if you really get pissed off, install Windows on it.

  101. When I got my new Mac, first thing I did was play with the photo distortion software, too. It’s a rite of passage for Mac users.

    Get your kid involved. She’ll love it! You can make a photo of you without a head, too. Freaky!

    Memoirgirl’s last blog post..It’s a Dad Thing

  102. The joy of that photo is that it is all things to all people.

    If you want to see three boobs, they’re there.

    If you want to see a massive Cleavage Canyon, your wish is granted.

    But once you see one it becomes impossible to see the other, unless you blur your eyes and stare for awhile, but then your colleagues come up and they’re all, WHAT’S WITH THE THE THREE TITS? and you have to explain that all you see is a cleavage canyon, and you’re reminded how hard it is to connect with others, and you sink into an existential malaise.

    Perhaps it’s best not to look at the photo.

    Dropkickjeffy’s last blog post..Whistling Past the Graveyard

  103. Holy SHIT, Jenny…you are HOT with that third boob! Not that you aren’t hot already, but I mean…what’s NOT better with an extra boob?! It’s like bacon, and just makes everything around it better!

    First time I got onto a Mac, I thought it was some weird, special one that was only for playing movies because all I could see anywhere on it was a DVD slot on the side. Totally tripped me out and I tried to open up stuff and then close it but couldn’t. I asked HELP and all it said was go to the Apple menu…Ooooo-K, but where the FUCK IS THE APPLE menu?! I nearly destroyed it right then.

    BTW, if you’re as dumb with it as I was…the Apple menu is that little apple up in the top left corner.

    Byron’s last blog post..Driving

  104. Oh my God!!!! Can’t believe all I’ve learned reading these comments. I use a shiny mac at work and never knew my mouse had all these capablites. Not only can I now right click now, but you can set it up to do stuff just by squeezing the sides or pressing the track ball.

  105. I love how you can just say you want a Mac and tada! You have a Mac.

    I was thinking of getting a Mac, but then someone told me in the comments that there is no right click and that made me feel all panicky inside because HOW WILL I OPEN A LINK IN A NEW TAB AGAIN? So, I totally feel you on that point.

    Y’s last blog post..My Blog May Suck , But My Life Sure as Hell Doesn’t.

  106. Those have got to be so hard to make the motor-boat noise between.

  107. if you hold down the apple button and click on a link, it opens it in a new tab/ window. i realize this isn’t the easy peasy right click on a mouse windows people are used to, but really, it’s not that hard.

  108. Soon you will converted to the Church of Apple. It took me awhile to get used to it and I still use my old mouse with the right button…

    In a few months, you’ll be out with a bike, a nametag, and a backpack

  109. Hey. Yes, the computer might be evil, but you go three boobs. Think how happy Victor is going to be.

  110. been a mac user since 1991 – back then they were called apples, and am so glad you have joined us. someone will contact you shortly for the initiation process where you will be awarded with unimaginable riches and the ease to write as you please because you no longer have to deal with the stupidity of pcs.

    ps: my shift key does not work, and this has nothing to do with the wonders of a mac, just the fact that my kids are terrible and have a thing about shift buttons on me macs (this is the 7th shift key that has gone kaput since 2000)
    ps2: my various macs crashed a total of four times. in 28 years. believe.

    Zeynep’s last blog post..Domesticide Pesticide

  111. You know with all this “real” advice & usable knowledge I’m disappointed that a. The computer is not really magical b. Steve Jobs won’t get biten in the face. I came here because of a or b. Damn!

  112. I love my Mac. It’s lovely. I learned almost immediately to use the camera to make my neck look like a vagina.

  113. Yeah, Jenny, the three boobed look totally works for you. I’m assuming that you had the surgery after graduation-no way you could hide THAT kind of change in a flimsy grad gown. Seriously though you look fabulous! Are you bathing in virginal blood so as not to age? You still look about 20. Miss you girl.-J-

  114. Macs are made of magic. You have to give yourself over to them to operate them correctly. And you can get a full sized keyboard if you need on, and a mouse with a right click if you can’t handle the control+click alternative. Hell, you can even force it to run windows if you really want. See. MAGIC!

    followthatdog’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Ballard Farmers Market

  115. Sorry if I’m repeating someone else, but there’s a lot of comments here and I didn’t feel like reading them all. To solve the right-click problem, go to your system preferences (click on the apple logo in the top left corner), then click on “Keyboard & Mouse”…then there should be an option where you can change the right click to secondary or something to that effect. I only have my MacBook Pro up at work right now so it doesn’t have the mouse options, but it’s there. The actual mouse doesn’t have the button but it distinguishes between the two clicks.

  116. ummm did anyone else notice? NANCY LETTERS!! bring it and bring it good!

  117. Your three boobs make me want to play with Newton’s Cradle.
    Google it.

  118. In the movie Kung Pow, there is a woman with only one breast. Like one right in the middle. Which is not the same, but still.

    Also, I mostly like my Mac because everything in it looks a little bit 3D and bubbly.


    (AND: Thanks for the list you wrote us! We love you!)

    Elly’s last blog post..Guest Lister: The Bloggess’ To Do List

  119. Oh my God, I love you! That’s exactly what happens to me every time I use my sister’s Mac! My laptop is a PC (it’s a Sony Vaio) and I LOVE it and REFUSE to ever buy a Mac…but now you have one…so I guess now I should stop loving you.
    SIGH…well, it was nice while it lasted.
    Goodbye forever, Bloggess.
    (Alright, alright, I’ll be back tomorrow.)

    sabrina’s last blog post..I don’t get it

  120. I can tell what you’re thinking in that photo. “I would give up one of my three boobs for a second mouse button. Even if I had to give up one of the outer ones, and keep the one in the middle.”

  121. Hey, I hope you will make weird looking people you would do a regular feature. Really good ones keep popping into my head.

    This week: Hulk, Chewbacca and Gandalf.

    ozma’s last blog post..I Started A Link Blog

  122. I really don’t like Mac’s, it’s the way they think for you. All that:-
    – You have not used this for 1/4 of a second I’m going to tidy it away – leaving me “where the F**k is the document I was working on…”*
    – You’ve played this twice I’m going to delete it now – Noooooo that’s my favourite song!!!!!

    You can tell they are rubbish, because MAC users are like missionaries trying to convert everyone they meet. They have a sh*t life why should you not suffer as well

    * I suspect this is why Macs claim they don’t have viruses, no programmer can keep a document open long enough to infect it…..

    BlackLOG’s last blog post..Childhood to Grumpy old man – featuring the Soup Nazi

  123. I like Shiny Things too but, thus far, the iPod has satisfied my need. I LOVE to touch my iPod. I fear that if I got a Mac, I would stay in bed with it all day and never leave the house. So, I have a PC…and the power of the Right Click.

    Vikki’s last blog post..Mutiny on the Patio

  124. I watched Mall Rats last night in which there is a psychic with three nipples. The third nipple gives her the power. Like a third eye but, you know, not. But then at the end of the scene she totally peels this third nipple off and eats it which is kind of gross. And also renders this comment kind of pointless.

    Owl and the Grapes’s last blog post..Whistle Past The Graveyard

  125. Remember, a computer is just a tool. It doesn’t really matter which kind you use. A third boob, though requires a special kind of tool… and a third hand, if you’re a guy who wants to take full advantage of his opportunities.

    GroovyMan’s last blog post..The Perfect Mojito

  126. i was going to rush over here and share the brilliant fact that i brilliantly remembered that three-boob girl is from “total recall.” but it appears that every male in the united states already knows this.

    highway’s last blog post..My Superbowl Picks

  127. seriously, macs are easy to use. command click = right click, or if you have a laptop just use two fingers on the pad and it’ll work. as long as you have a multi touch pad. just give it some time. it took me all of a week to get used to, but now i love it. HAVE FUN.

  128. Oh THANK YOU for posting this!

    I know I’m like a thousand years late (or 3 years if you’re a pedantic fucker) to comment on this but I’m even more backwards than you, as I have only just this year in 2012 evolved into the world of Mac.
    The only thing I could get the stupid thing to do for about a week was take my photo on Photo Booth.
    So I did that.
    All day.
    And it’s hilarious.
    I got transfixed by the Alien and Chipmunk versions of myself. With one missing gene it could be a reality, so any potential kids have now been put on hold …

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