This is all old shit to you unless you *don’t* obsessively follow my twitter feed

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Did you know that I write stuff at a lot of different places?  Like so many that sometimes I get confused and can’t remember when my deadlines are and then I panic and post too much and then Victor yells at me for being obsessed with blogging and not cleaning the house enough and then I come over here and people are all “Hey, you haven’t posted in days, loser!” and I’m all “Yes I have, just not here” and they’re all “Well where then?!” and I’m like “Uh…places” because I can’t really remember and I have to go back to twitter to see what I actually posted and then I let them know and then an hour later someone’s all “Where are you?  Why aren’t you posting?  Are you dead?” and I’m all “MOTHER. OF. GOD.  For real?  I just posted like eight things about porn stars” and then it makes me cry a little inside.  That’s why I’m going to start doing a once-a-week round-up of all the other shit I’m wrote elsewhere.  If you obsessively read my tweets then you’ve probably already read all this stuff though so feel free to pretend this weekly post is not even here.  Which will be much easier next week because include this mile long explanation about exactly why I’m subjecting you to re-runs.  It’ll just look like this:

    This week on my Sex Column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a humorless asshole):

    This week on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    The end.

    48 thoughts on “This is all old shit to you unless you *don’t* obsessively follow my twitter feed

    Read comments below or add one.

    1. Glad to see you are alive. I am not dead either, I just usually can’t get a comment in before 127th, so I kind of gave up hope.

      Oh well, some days timining works out for me.

      BTW, loved your new line of spam. “Breaking Vaginas!” GENIUS!

      BREAK ONE TODAY! WOOOHOOO!

      Houston’s last blog post..Late Night Wonderings

    2. Genius. It’s like a weekly syndication of your work. Now you’re like TBS…except with penises, vaginal references, crazy bobcat skulls and Victor….so way better. Of course, it won’t be complete until you start broadcasting Braveheart twice every saturday and sunday, but I can deal.

      HA Guy’s last blog post..How To Know When You’re The New Milton

    3. So I’m confused. Did you go all stabby stabby on someone and leave a magical trail of entrails to a neurologist’s office? I’m pretty sure zombies would heart that, yo. I don’t think they are all up on their unicorn porn.

      Lee C’s last blog post..Oh, no you di’int.

    4. First, the unicorn horn dildo will always betray you. There is no way you could have prevented Victor from seeing it because it wanted him to see it, and the will of the unicorn horn dildo cannot be denied.

      Second, the reason they are sold out is that everyone attending Blogher in Chicago will be wearing one at all times during the conference. Strapped on over their clothes, or without clothes if it’s night and you’re bunking with Tanis. Pretty sure she has two or three of them. All this is part of a strategy hatched by the unicorn-industrial complex to take over the blogosphere (en route to taking over the world) and drive Tim Gunn insane.

      badassdadblog’s last blog post..fighting nature

    5. I’m really confused about the strap-on unicorn horn. Do you strap it to your forehead?

    6. Something that I cannot believe you didn’t consider in your unicorn dildo post: do you think most people just strap said unicorn dildo on in the usual crotchal location? Or can you get a special strap that will attach it to your forehead, so your partner can get even closer to his/her ultimate fantasy of being plowed by a unicorn’s horn? Is there also a full-on unicorn costume you can buy go with it?

      Also: this dildo would work well for narwhale fetishists, also.

      jfruh’s last blog post..The man with the iron teeth

    7. holy shiznit. I’ve been missing out. Now I can waste even MORE time at work! thank you thank you thank you!!!

      I think I’m comment 13 and that sucks monkey bawls.

      peedee’s last blog post..Give me a break.

    8. Ok, now that you have made a list for us you need to find someone to make a list for you telling you where and when you must post! You know, like one of those personal assistants.

      I’m not volunteering or anything, just saying you need it. You know, for someone else to do.

      LB @Wait, She Said What?’s last blog post..Food, Fireworks and Fun! Oh my!

    9. So this is great because I forget what I’ve read and what I haven’t read….and I’m not down with the twitter thing…I already have a horribly short attention span…it doesn’t need to get worse.

      And I’m sooooo excited to read about the unicorn sex! Totally made my day. This is turning out to be a great week. Yesterday I discovered vagina shaped necklaces (I’m giving one away on my blog) and today you told me about unicorn sex. I can’t wait to see what happens tomorrow!!!

      Hannah’s last blog post..you want TMI?

    10. Just so you know, my boss is apparently a humorless asshole. Because I have to read your sex column on my iPhone. That’s how much I heart you. You are bookmarked on my tiny-go-everywhere-with-me-screen… 🙂

    11. I’ve been so busy. I’ve missed some of your stuff. Thanks for summing it all up.

    12. Thank you. I’m fairly OCD about being organized and this helps. Tremendously.

    13. What is “sex” again? As soon as I can remember then I’ll visit that sex site. Until then, I’m holding onto the belief that unicorns are real. Sex, however, is not.

      Mocha’s last blog post..My “Useless” Job

    14. I read and commented on your post about how to not get your penis chopped off. All in all, I’d say your genius and sound advice is likely why I’m still breathing. And thanks to your latest installment, I’m happy to report that my penis is still attached.

      MayoPie’s last blog post..Judd Nelson is never the answer

    15. Ok, so my comment didn’t take on your advice column, but I could have sworn it did, so now I’m starting to think you deleted it, but I’ve said much worse shit here and over there so now I think you just hate me. So now I have to go back to your advice column and ask you how to reconcile either my paranoia or the fact that you hate me, both problems I’m not equipped to deal with, which as my therapist you’ll also have to deal with.

      MayoPie’s last blog post..Judd Nelson is never the answer

    16. I went to edenfantasys.com and looked at the corsets. I don’t know if you saw this, but, um, you click on the corset and it gives you a list of sizes. And most of them go up to XL, actually. Just, you know, sayin’. LOVE you, of course. I force my friends to read you until they accept they love you, too. 🙂

    17. I’m with Jen Ambrose, I make with the stalkin on twitter, but then I missed the unicorn sex, Hellen Keller ninja cats & the penis advice – not that I have one, but you never know when that shit might come in handy. Cept now I’m all scared to go to sleep cause I’m worried I’m going to have dreams about Hannah Dunston voilating me with a unicorn strapon. And seriously – that bitch is scary.

      Cataluna6’s last blog post..I’m blogging onmy phone! Cept I can’t get curser 2 go in main box dammit! So while this will be longest ever post title – I’ll have to do rest @ work.

    18. So I’ve definitely never commented on your blog before. This leads to the interesting conundrum of me wondering what the hell to call you because I don’t know if you’re one of those people that are all “Don’t call me by my internet name because I am totally a person. Call me Jenny, asshole”, or if you’re one of those that’s all “Don’t call me by my real name because you don’t know me you friggin’ creeper. Call me The Bloggess, asshole.”

      Except I totally just used both titles, so I’m pretty sure the entire first half of my comment is irrelevant. Anyway, I think your blog is entirely hilarious, and I wish I could ready our sex column, but my college’s filter blocks it because it has the word in sex in it. Apparently Christians don’t know what sex is.

      Amber’s last blog post..My car had a midlife crisis and so can you!

    19. The weekly roundup is a great idea! I’m too lame to Twitter on a regular basis. Or am I too sane? I can never remember the difference.

      zenmomma’s last blog post..Uh Oh

    20. This is completely unrelated to anything, but have you watched the Harper’s Island series? No?

      Go to netflix, and watch episode 7 (titled Thrack, Splat, Sizzle). You look JUST LIKE the mother portrayed. I can’t find her name on the list of cast and crew.

      If it’s not you, you might have a twin somewhere…

      SMurF’s last blog post..Phone rings one more time, one last email is received…

    21. by the way, I saw that Faces of Death movie years ago also and never ever forgot that godawful MONKEY BRAIN EATING session with that monkey in he center of the table. I am THRILLED to find out it was a hoax. Somehow, that makes my whole life better. See what a joy you are? Thanks.

      LoLa’s last blog post..Have You Seen This?

    22. Oh, the pressures of blogging! It really should be considered a disability at times to be a blogger. Or at least be covered by insurance. Or there should AT LEAST be some support groups when people are all over your ass to post & comment! Sheesh!

    23. OMG the Unicorn! Funny, because I thought you were going to write about how swingers call single females Unicorns, and then it turned into a huge dildo desktop image FAIL. You are so funny. I have to start reading you earlier in the evening so I can stop waking up Steve with my peals of laughter.

      Lynn @ human, being’s last blog post..Days of Grace:127/365

    24. Please tell me you handmade that zombie cartoon. Because I love the mellowed out, (undead?) Nature loving side of zombies. It’s so frequently left out of pop culture.

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