I almost forgot to mention the dead bear in the backyard. That’s what kind of post this is, y’all.

in "In the ear hole", I am totally overrated, mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

So I’m finally back from my trip to my old hometown in West Texas and people who aren’t from Texas always think that’s no big deal but then they travel through Texas and realize that Texas is larger than Canada and Asia and India all rolled together.  It doesn’t look that way on the map but you know when you’re in a really humid place and the temperature says it’s only 80 but you know it’s really, actually 8000 degrees?  That’s what Texas is like.  In size.

I spent the week with my parents, sister and her kids, reminiscing at the local whorehouse and wondering if the chickens roosting on my car were just drifters or actually belonged to someone and then that weekend Victor flew down so we could celebrate our anniversary except I don’t celebrate anything with that certain unlucky number in it because I’m OCD and so I made him swear that this was just our second 12th anniversary except he kept saying the unlucky number over and over and I was all “This is exactly why I didn’t want to celebrate this year because if you don’t stop saying the number I will divorce you and that’s totally the kind of thing that would happen on an unlucky year so fucking stop it” and then he’s all “What number?  You mean -” AND THEN HE SAID THE NUMBER AGAIN and I decided that instead of divorcing him I would just cut one of his testicles off sometime this year because that will be unlucky enough and then we’ll still stay married because all the unluckiness will have been used up in that horrible ball-shredding accident and then he just looked at me like he was shocked that I’d even said that but technically this is our second 12th anniversary so he should kind of be used to that sort of shit by now.  And also I’M SAVING OUR MARRIAGE, ASSHOLE.

So for our anniversary my family watched Hailey so Victor and I could go to this melodrama-vaudevillian play that’s been going on since the 40’s and there’s lots of drinking and you’re supposed to throw popcorn at the evil mustachioed villain when he comes out except I have bad aim and ended up just throwing it at the people directly in front of us and Victor pointed at the people sitting next to us like it was them and then a terrible popcorn battle broke out and we bought $300 worth of popcorn and destroyed the other people.  Except one time Victor was off buying a pallet of popcorn and I got attacked by Sam Elliot and got so much popcorn down my dress it looked like I’d developed some sort of terrible tumor.  Also, you know when you get that piece of popcorn stuck in your teeth and you can’t get it out because it would be too embarrassing to dig it out in front of strangers?  Imagine that happening but instead of your teeth it’s your ear canal.  And by “ear canal” I mean “vagina“.  

Then the can-can girls came out and everyone sang along to “Deep in the Heart of Texas” with the live orchestra and some guy on stage quoted Sam Houston saying that “Texas can make it without the United States BUT THE UNITED STATES CANNOT MAKE IT WITHOUT TEXAS!” and everyone in the entire fucking audience yelled it along with him and I thought “Wow.  No wonder other people hate us.”  I have a video of the intermission here but it’s hard to see because I was really drunk because I need a new camera.  And after the whole play/melodrama/burlesque thing ended I looked down and saw these small patches of blood on the floor and I was a little unsettled because Victor kept saying he was going to put rocks in his popcorn and take out the front row but it turns out that the carpet was red and that was the only part of it you could see under the piles of popcorn.

img_01761

And then on the way out some chick was all “Damn.  This is actually…a horrible waste of food.  Just think of all the starving children in Africa” and I was a little offended because I realize they’re starving but I don’t think they want popcorn touched by vaginas.  Also, it was kind of stale and I know because I ate some and then I felt bad later because I was eating popcorn that I’d thrown at people and they’d thrown back and it would land in my bosom and I’d scoop it out and throw it back and then they’d throw it back and inevitably some of it would land in the sack I was eating and now I’m pretty sure I have swine flu.

Then the next day we went back to my parents to set off fireworks and I accidentally set fire to their lawn in several places and I felt a little bad about that but then my dad was all “Oh, I promised the grandkids we’d set off the cannon tonight” and Hailey’s like “Yay!” I’m all “You promised my pre-schooler she could light a cannon?” and he’s all “No.  Of course not.  I told Tex he could do it” and that seemed much safer because Tex is fucking 6.  And my sister just kind of shrugged because she’s used to this sort of thing and I’m all “Are you sure this is safe?” and Daddy assured me it was because Tex was just going to pack the cannon and prep it and stand right in front of a giant fucking loaded cannon but my sister still seemed undisturbed, most likely because she knew daddy probably couldn’t get the thing lit anyway and she was right but then daddy decided he just needed more fire so he brought out the blowtorch.  This is when I ran for my camera because I knew no one would believe it and I sort of thought I should stop my father except that their neighbors had been setting off fireworks at midnight all week long and I thought it would kind of kick-ass payback if the cannon actually did go off.  And it did.  And it was awesome and no one died or got blood on them so it was more successful than most nights except for that part where I set fire to the lawn.

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Also, I figured that my dad had stored the cannon somewhere during the day because I didn’t remember seeing it before that night but then when I was developing my pictures I noticed that the picture I took of the chickens has the cannon in it and I didn’t even notice it.  Because that’s the kind of backyard they have.  One where a cannon doesn’t really stick out.  Also, it smelled weird there but I was used to that because the Taxidermy Shop is next door but then Victor pointed out that there was a dead bear on a table that had been raised up with chains to like 10 feet above ground and my first thought was that it was odd to have a dead bear floating on a table over your head and I wondered if daddy was trying to raise it from the dead like Dr. Frankenstein did when he raised his monster up to the roof to get struck by lightning but then I realized it was probably just a polite way to get the dead bear out of the way of company and that it was kind of ingenious really.  Like window blinds, except with dead bears.  Then Victor made me go home because all of this was starting to seem kind of rational and that’s usually a sign that we need to leave.

Comment of the day:   Geeze, that sounds like a great night. Of course, you could have combined all the elements into one and it would have been really kick-arse!  Imagine; packing the bear skin into the canon and firing it at people! They would be all “Fuck! I’m being attacked by a flying bear. And it’s must be freaking hungry, look how thin it is!”  Of course, in the interest in fairness, they would have popcorn to defend themselves.

I’m still trying to work the chickens in. ~ mr sketchy

170 thoughts on “I almost forgot to mention the dead bear in the backyard. That’s what kind of post this is, y’all.”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. Listen, it’s only polite to raise the dead bear when company is coming over. Sort of like shoving the dishes in the oven and the laundry baskets in the bedroom.

    lorchick’s last blog post..Potty, Where Art Thou?

  5. man
    we’ve been celebrating my best friend’s 19th birthday for four years.

  6. Dude. I haven’t been married for 24 years. I would have been in elementary school when I got married. The unlucky number is the one that comes after twelve and before fourteen and we’re celebrating the twelve twice and next year going straight to 14.

    I don’t understand why I have to keep explaining this to people

  7. I need a better picture of the “bear” I’m not sure it’s real.

  9. Being a pussy, I get sad when people kill harmless bears. I want to give the beas weapons so they can defend themselves, but in this country we do not have the right to arm bears.

    Sorry about that one.

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.

    scott’s last blog post..Old Under the Sun

  10. Why would you try and stop your dad from firing that cannon when we would all enjoy the picture of it so much? That would have just been inconsiderate. What’s more important, your limbs or your readers?

    Momo Fali’s last blog post..Friends

  11. Wow. I told myself I’d read ONE post today during work. And I got two bucket list items from it. Should I point this out to my bosses to validate my efficiency skills?

  14. Our Hold Everything! at the mall used to have several nice space-saving solutions for storing dead bears (I’m pretty sure that’s what they were for; they didn’t look like they’d hold laundry or books) but then they replaced them with these hanging collapsible coat racks that you can spread open like an accordian and use as a rack for drying nursing bras. But I’m much more likely to have a dead bear in my house than to suddenly start lactating, so I think it’s a fundamentally bad business decision to devote valuable display space to a such a niche market.

    Scott C.’s last blog post..Townhall Peep Show

  16. I wonder if that bear died in some tragic cannon/blowtorch/popcorn accident. Of course, that post left me wondering about a lot more than just that.

    Happy anniversary. Again.

  18. Even with it labelled I still had t look for the canon in the picture. I totally understand how it could overlooked, it fits right in and the chickens are cute and steal the show. Kind of like when I go to my mom’s house and can totally overlook the iron clawed bath tub that lives in her trees. If you can get past the mass amounts of cats she has, you would notice it. I think.

    Happy non-unlucky Anniversary btw.

  19. My Daddy does that stuff all the time. What makes it even more awesomer is that he is blind. He totally has that Mad Eye dude from Harry Potter thing going on so when he lights bonfires and stuff it scares the living shit outta the Damn Emo’s and their friends.

    And that is why Daddies are awesome.

    Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo’s last blog post..You asked. Yes you did.

  21. @AdriannaHearts – I moved from Texas to Ohio. In Ohio’s defense, an old lady did beat a fawn to death with a shovel the other day. But she only put it in a cardboard box and put it out on trash day.

    Now, had she put the dead fawn at the edge of her lawn “So the other deer would know not to mess with her” like she had planned, it would have been kickass.

    tammigirl’s last blog post..Age Appropriate Fashion: Mistake Onesie

  23. seriously? my dad has a cannon as well. actually, the whole block of men have cannons. they’ll hear one and like little prairie dogs their heads go up, their nose does that little prairie dog nosey thing, and they say something like, “hey! i can hear a cannon! i have a cannon too!” and then they run out and fire it off. thank goodness they have thumbs. unlike prairie dogs. thumbs and canons, the only things what separate humans from the beasts.

    mylittlebecky’s last blog post..oops! who’s in charge of titles. whoever it is, you’re fired! fired i tell you!

  25. I bet they reuse that popcorn. Also, my lucky number is the one between 12 and 14. It actually has great symbolism and isn’t bad luck at all. I hope I have changed your mind about the number, even if you’re freaked out about eating old vagina popcorn with swine flu germs on it.

  26. Forgot to mention that bear chandeliers are the new bear rug. Your dad is a visionary.

  27. You celebrated your 2nd 12th Anniversary throwing popcorn and sitting on folding chairs?! That just doesn’t look comfortable! I mean, yeah, you have to do that kind of thing for your kids programs at school, but your anniversary? My ass hurts just thinking about it.

    Pop and Ice’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Lost and Found in Allegan

  29. geeze, that sounds like a great night. Of course, you could have combined all the elements into one and it would have been really kick-arse!

    Imagine; packing the bear skin into the canon and firing it at people! They would be all “Fuck! I’m being
    attacked by a flying bear. And it’s must be freaking hungry, look how thin it is!”

    Of course, in the interest in fairness, they would have popcorn to defend themselves.

    I’m still trying to work the chickens in.

    mr sketchy’s last blog post..Jumping in Puddles

  33. I don’t know what makes me happier, the fact that I feel I understand you so much more after that post, or knowing someone else’s family fired off a canon on the 4th and didn’t think it was a big deal.

    Libby’s last blog post..Panic at the Nursery

  34. Of course, back in the day when the unpredictable antique canon was an unpredictable brand new canon, six-year-olds were not only allowed but actually encouraged to practice firing it, so that if the Yankees invaded or the Great State needed to secede (it was merely a question of which would happen first), all able-bodied men and boys would be adequately prepared. I’ve heard that some people still feel that this is not an unreasonable sentiment.

    MommyTime’s last blog post.."always more in the world…"

  37. gah!!! stupid finger slipped…

    ignore my last comment!!!

    What I was TRYING to say is that I TOTALLY got the second 13th thing… but only because I confused the hell out of people by telling them I celebrated my 25th birthday for the fourth time this year… *sigh*…

    that is a LOT of popcorn… kinda freaks me out a little…

    Potty Mouth Mommy’s last blog post..Decisions… decisions…

  38. What West Texas town did you live in? My husband and I grew up in Amarillo & Lubbock and we are always back there visiting family, and I really want to go to the vaudeville show now, because we say stuff like that Sam Houston quote all the time up here in Kansas City, and people just don’t understand. But they don’t mess with us because of our NRA bumper stickers.

  40. Oops, okay, I just read your previous post and looked up Wall, TX and turns out you are just outside of San Angelo, which is totally West Texas, I agree. My husband has family there so next time we are in that neck of the woods I will check out the vaudeville thingy. Yay cannons!

  41. Happy second 12th/pre 14th Anniversary to you and Victor! Summer Mummers was fantastic! I would have said the same about spending an anniversary this way, but we all had a blast. Would not miss it next year for the world. I suggest limiting the cleavage…it will protect your vagina, and when I say vagina, I mean vagina!

    Minnesota Brian

    PS-Frankenbear seems totally like a West Texas scene……..UUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

  42. i think commentator #29 wins.

    i’m jealous that you have actually participated in a food fight. what’s great about the popcorn is that it’s not terribly messy, not like if someone started throwing jell-o.

    i’m going to start randomly throwing popcorn at people to see if they are down with it. i’ll let you know how it turns out.

    unless they shoot me, then you won’t hear anything from me.

    erin’s last blog post..so long, farewell…

  43. I lived in Texas for a while and you are describing it EXACTLY as it ACTUALLY IS. Texas is as large and as hot as all of Africa. Godawful hot. I am happy I moved back home to the midwest, but Dang.. what a crazy time it was to live in The Lone Star State.

    Susie’s last blog post..Indoor Picnic

  44. I agree, comment 29 totally wins. Also, is it scary that since I’m Texan I did not see anything shocking about lighting the cannon with a blowtorch? Just your average 4th of July IMO.

  51. Pingback: Some funny shit « John

  53. Gee, my daughter just asked me the other day if it took 3 months to drive across Texas. i guess I was wrong to tell her no. Thanks for teaching me something new! (And I thought driving across Ohio was bad… i know it’s not that big, but boy is it boring!)

    indywriter’s last blog post..Happy Father’s Day, Woody!

  54. I don’t know about the starving children in Africa, but I would totally eat popcorn that had been touched by your vagina. Is that a compliment in Texas? It is, where I come from.

    Nils’s last blog post..Allie and Fred

  55. Like 6 years ago the husband and I went to brookfield zoo in chicago and this one bear was pacing back and forth just think of a way he could get over that giant cliff thing and we were totally thinking of ways to survive the upcoming bear attack and we decided we would throw the small children at the bear which would give us enough time to get away. It was at this moment we knew we would make awesome parents.

    mountainmomma18’s last blog post..It’s like he’s the male Gloria Steinem

  56. I think I speak for all Texans when I say, “Everyone just stay in whatever hippie state you live in. We don’t need any more of your kind here. You can come visit, but don’t pack up and move here. Also we changed our minds. Don’t visit.”

    scott’s last blog post..Old Under the Sun

  58. I probably wouldn’t have noticed the cannon in the yard, either. I could never be a witness for a crime or anything because I never notice anything. The other day I informed my husband that we appeared to have a new neighbor because there was this old scowling unfortunate looking dude in the neighbor’s yard a lot (that I did notice). My husband said, “He must be the driver of that semi. Is that huge truck still parked in front of their house?” Uhh, semi? What? Yeah, it had been there for a week and I hadn’t noticed it. Oops. In my defense, I had 3 mojitos on the 4th of July. That didn’t help. Oh, and Happy Anniversary 12B!

    Jessica’s last blog post..My Celebrity Playlist

  60. Good decision on the not castrating Victor thing. You probably would have regretted it; if not now, then sometime in the future when you really needed it as a threat.
    Also, thanks to Tex for not shooting any of the neighbors with the cannon.

  61. Someone once mentioned, and I find it to be true — you’re truly a Texas woman when your father is “Daddy” no matter how old you are (or how old he is). Thanks for posting – I always look forward to new entries.

  63. If someone else has not all ready said this, I will say it. You all ready completed your 13th year of marriage and you are beginning your 14th year of marriage. So you made it through 13. It is like when you are born you are 0 and work to 1, you got one year down then you move to two. You got 13 years down, now you are moving to 14….so this next year actually has nothing to do with 13, last year did….I would have been able to explain this better, but I am out of xanax and valium makes me talk stupid (I didn’t take a valium, so imagine how dumb this would have sounded if i actually had).

  65. Okay, I would TOTALLY eat popcorn from your bosom; but, probably not from your vagina… that would be weird.

  66. But then again, I DO really like popcorn. And I also really like vagina. It reminds me of the old Reese’s Cup commercials: “Hey! you got your peanut butter on my chocolate!….” Now I’m confused.

  70. Dead bear? AWESOME. In my house we just have a day old apple core in the ashtray and a lap dog who will steal sips of everyones drinks – wine, beer, vodka, bourbon… doesn’t matter as long as its alcohol. He’s a lush.

    Vanessa’s last blog post..My Brother

  74. Ok 1st thing, after 3 visits to Texas I can actually say that place scares the shit out of me!

    2nd thing, my family shot a cannon off every evening when taking down the flag at my Grandparents home in VT. So freaking LOUD and it was 1/2 the size of yours!

    3rd thing, one of my best friends, when we were in HS, brought one of my Mom’s ponies into the house during a raucous party!

    4th thing, we had a rabbit that thought it was a chicken and a chicken who though it was a rabbit.

    BUT eating popcorn that had been anywhere near a Vagina???????

    thats just weird!

    Thanks for the trip, sideways, down memory lane.

    ps……….my husband planned my 50th birthday at the pirates dinner show in orlando w/ our 3 grandkids, all under the age of 3……………WTF????

    I took him wine tasting and to dinner in a limo for his……………….

    NOT FAIR

  75. Next year, can I go home with you instead of going to see my family? No cannons, no bears & for sure no blow torches. Just matching dishes and death-threat-making neighbors.

    ML’s last blog post..I’m her people

  77. How do you possibly pack that much excitement into such a short time? I couldn’t accomplish all that craziness in a year, let alone a weekend! You have my eternal respect…

    Happy Anniversary – whatever you want to call it.

  78. Thank you for not showing us a picture of the popcorn that was stuck in your “ear canal”.

  80. Entertaining as always, but sometimes I really just want to buy Victor a beer (or one more than 12), pat him on the shoulder (in a manly way of course), sort of nod my head and be like, “Duuude …”

    R in CT’s last blog post..steward22.jpg

  81. I spent a lot of my formative years in the Ozarks so this whole things seems pretty damn believable to me. They don’t use bears for blinds in the Ozarks though; they use enormous bucks.

    Vikki’s last blog post..Eight

  83. Not gonna lie, Texas scares me. Because you never know when there’s going to be a dead bear politely hoisted in the air because company is coming.

    Happy Second 12th Anniversary!

    Just Shireen’s last blog post..I Don’t Know Much

  84. Your visit home sounds like a carnival. But not one of those fun, 1950’s Leave It To Beaver carnivals where everyone tucks in their shirts and eats cotton candy while laughing euphorically. More like one of those nightmare carnivals where completely unrelated things from your past- frankenstein bears, antique cannons, whorehouses and family members – show up to scare the beJesus out of you.

    You’re so lucky.

    HA Guy’s last blog post..How To Know When You’re The New Milton

  86. Just when I think you’re pulling my leg, you post a picture to prove it. Sort of like Captain Nasty, or whatever his rank was. That’s a fuckton of popcorn. As for that woman moaning about the waste of it all, I can only think of when my mother used to yell at us for not finishing our plates when I was a kid and piss and moan about starving kids in Asia and she only stopped complaining about that when we would dare her to actually send our wasted food to them. She would get all huffy about it, pushing it down the garbage disposal really angrily. When she wouldn’t send it to the starving kids, my sister and I would call her stingy and tell her that the money spent could be claimed as a tax deduction (and yes, as a kid I was already a boring accountant). She would just grumble more and never got the hint that maybe she should just make less food. That popcorn would have been REALLY stale by the time it got to the starving kids. It was better served as muscle propelled ammo and it looks like a helluva good time you had.

    Your family is awesome.

  90. You make me happy about life. THE UNITED STATES COULDN’T MAKE IT WITHOUT TEXAS!!!

  94. Yeah, like starving kids in Africa wouldn’t want popcorn that’s been touched by a vagina. I want popcorn that’s been touched by a vagina and I am neither starving nor an African child (and I don’t even like popcorn.)

    MayoPie’s last blog post..Judd Nelson is never the answer

  95. Only people from Texas totally understand this post. Everyone else should move here. . . except, wait. We don’t want you. Especially if you’re from California.

  96. It feels like I’ve been reading (lurking) forever, but I don’t ever recall seeing an image of Victor. Until now. I hope you didn’t just ruin his spy-ness cover. . .

  98. Somewhere along the line I had decided that Victor was Asian. Maybe because he has a ninja sword and that automatically made him Asian because I believe in stereotypes. Now, seeing his picture and realizing that he is almost certainly not Asian, my whole mental picture of your life is screwed up. Kind of what it’s like when you take a bite out of a yellow ice pop and you expect it to taste like lemon but it turns out to be banana and you’re like “WTF?!? This not what I was expecting! I fucking hate it!” And then you can’t eat it anymore. It’s not that you hate banana, you probably have no strong feelings about banana one way or another, it’s just that were expecting LEMON and you just can’t deal with the unexpected. So what I am saying is that I am not exactly disappointed that Victor is not Asian, but if it’s all the same to you and Victor I’m going to continue to imagining him as Asian because I am not equipped to deal with reality. Or change. Or bears suspended over my head on tables. I have mentally blocked that part out of your story. It is now simply a story about you and your Asian husband throwing popcorn at strangers. Good times, good times.

    Lemish’s last blog post..White, American Jesus says "Happy 4th of July!"

  99. It kind of sounds like Alaska in Texas. Except it’s not that hot here. Except yesterday, it was 80. Also, there’s that thing with Alaska being like, three times the size of Texas. Hey, I’m just stating the facts here. Don’t hate. Don’t hate.

    Mommica’s last blog post..It was a thriller

  100. I wonder if they just kinda Hoover the popcorn up and serve it to everyoe the next day….that’s be kinda gross, especially if you are sitting thee eating popcorn that was stuck between someone’s toes the night before….

    Stephanie’s last blog post..Ears are gonna (get) roll(ed up)!

  102. Somehow I think creating Frankenbears would be bad for the taxidermy business.

  103. Dude, you can fit 14 Frances inside of Canada*. You can only fit only 1 in Texas. Ergo, Canada is much larger than Texas. I say this mainly because apparently some Americans actually believe that Texas is bigger than Canada. Or so I hear. Does it take you *sixty-four hours* of driving to get from one end of Texas to the other? That’s 8 days of 8-hour days. I didn’t think so!

    * The Arrogant Worms are awesome. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cZ8uwozu6k)

  106. I don’t think I could have stood far enough away from that cannon when it was being lit with a blowtorch! I did watch that Little People Big World where they were malled by that trebuchet – and that thing didn’t have gun powder…

    Also, the way you can now post pictures on your site totally sold me on the new format. I LOVE not having to link off the page. Strong work, Bloggess!

  107. Wow, the visit to your hometown almost makes it seem like *you’re* the normal one. Almost. 🙂

    s.i.’s last blog post..Timeless

  110. You could say that it is your 12.99999 th anniversary until the time you got married at. Then after say it is your 13.00001 th anniversary. You can skip over the scary number entirely.

  112. That is AWESOME! I love Texas. When the world comes to an end which will probably be in about 7.8 days according to my handy calcutations, i’m totally leaving this crap state (colorado) and going back to texas with all my guns and stuffed armadilos and rice because you can’t have the end of the world party without rice and stuffed armadilos and those little tasty popper things with the pepper in the middle.

  113. …then we’ll still stay married because all the unluckiness will have been used up in that horrible ball-shredding accident…

    Just curious… does Victor like sleep under a force shield? Because that would be real cool and syfy-y and it might prevent you from feeding his testicles into a woodchipper whilst he was sawing logs.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..To Anacreon in Heaven

  114. Funny… not sure that is the right word. Sad maybe fits more…

    I am from that place in which you speak of. I don’t mean the whorehouse… I mean the West Texas town.

    This comment isn’t going as planned. I think I will just end it.

    The comment… not my life. Just wanted to clear that up. Seriously. Not my best showing.

    James’s last blog post..We Can Do This Together.

  116. I happen to think that setting the lawn on fire is the very best kind of yard mantainence. Thats how they keep forests in check. Put up a sign that says “Hey, don’t go camping here this weekend. We’re setting it on fire.” So, really you were doing your parents a favor. It’s like you mowed their lawn for them…forest style.

    Dani’s last blog post..My résumé brings all the hr reps to the yard…

  118. You may be on to something. My friend got divorced a couple of days before her second 12th Anniversary! You’re entire post was so hilarious I can’t even find one thing to point out.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Hello from New Orleans

  120. No, no, no. People are starving in Appalachia. And you know those weirdos want stale popcorn.

    PLUS? It’s the 12+1 anniversary. Or the 26 divided by 2 anniversary. Or the square root of 169 anniversary. Make it all about math.

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Scream

  121. You guys all act like vagina popcorn isn’t going to be delicious.
    Really?

    Vagina.

    Popcorn.

    Thanks. Liars.

  122. I was laughing about what a pathetic hick town you must be from… until I saw MCT on the back of the chairs and realized you were at summer mummers and that means you are from the same home town as me and now I don’t know whether to laugh harder or cry…

  123. Oh thank god. I just read that you are from Wall and not Midland so I can start laughing again and pretend like Midland isnt just as fucked up.

  125. I rolleded my truck in Wall 12 years ago. Other than that, I just drive through it all the time to go to Menard. From Odessa. From flat scrub to edge of Hill Country. You’re right, I pass Russia and Asia all the time just getting to ‘the big cities’ of San antonio and Austin.

    Also: The poor souls in the world who have not experienced Mummers popcorn know knot what they miss. Thank you for sharing your “Why do I feel greasy in weird places?” experience with the world so they can come try it for themselves.

    Heather’s last blog post..painting zen – 1, 2, 3 – black, orange, pink

  126. I feel like your family should have a reality show and it would be AWESOME.

    Also, those are roosters, not chickens. And I am inclined to say that they are gay roosters because I don’t see any chickens…or hens.

  127. Wow. You totally made texas sound way more fun than it is. Never mind, the homeless guy who sings Dolly Parton songs with his pet bird is back. Fuck it, I love Texas, ya’ll.

  128. Pingback: What The Bloggess brought to her daughter’s school to celebrate Multi-Cultural Day — Cynthia Yockey, A Conservative Lesbian

  129. So I totally love summer mummers (yes, I know exactly where that play is held at…comes from growing up in west texas as well) and my favorite part is where you beat the shit out of someone with the popcorn bag…its really fun when people wear nice clothes to it…are you from Midland?

  131. God damn I had to scroll down through a fuckload of comments to get to the son of a bitchin comment box. Every time I read one of your blog post I think, she needs to bottle this shit and sell it. You have to put all this random shit in a book. I know you are coming out with a book, so when? Everyone else is coming out with a book. All they have to do is go back and catalogue your fucking blogs and tweets. They don’t need your help. They can do that without you and just send you a check. I would buy it, eventhough I read it all everyday. It’s interesting enough to jump inside your brain for a few minutes.

  132. Hi. We must be related. Although I grew up in Maryland, about an hour from Baltimore City and 30 minutes from the Amish. We too had a cannon that my dad would bring out on Fourth of July. Although it didn’t have a fancy wheel-hooha to drag it out. It took several of his friends to lift it and put in the tractor cart thing and bring it to the side yard, where the fireworks took place. I think it was a little smaller than the one you had, but I could be wrong. Then it would sit in the side yard for a few months, until he got up the gumption to take it back. Sometimes, he just put a tarp over it to hide it from the law, should they come down our deserted cul-de-sac. I think we actually got it to go BOOM once or twice. But he had fun trying.

    ps- I didn’t have a dead bear hanging over a table, but we did have the head of a jack-a-lope hanging in our family room on a plaque. I thought it was a real animal until high school, when I learned my parents were odd. We also had a whale penis in the dining room (I’ll send you a pic), which confirmed any suspicions of my family being weird.

  133. I’ve often wondered if I could get people to pay to participate in popcorn battles. Now I know.

    Now I also know my life will not be complete without a cannon in the backyard. It’s Ohio, we’re at least as heartland as Texas, I feel like I’m being swindled out of my requisite historical weapon.
    .-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..Victoreen Versus the Texas State Board of Education =-.

  134. And P.S- I am from Texas. I thought I would add that because I am so interesting people need to know everything about me. I am pretty awesome myself. But I’m not from bun fucked Texas like you are. I was born in Dallas, raised in Grand Fucking Prairie and moved to Arlington as an adult and lived there until i was 30 and moved here to Mississippi hickville redneck racist alley where I live now. Thank you. That. Is. All.
    .-= Peggy Brister´s last blog ..Christian or Athiest? Random thoughts. =-.

  135. Austin, break away now. The CIA’s chicken army is on scene now, well-winged, they’ll protect you from the Cannons. Stephen Austin never liked Sam Houston anyway.

  137. Oh man……and just ****stares**** at her nick.

    I am really not bad luck….Honest!

  138. these examples, are just a few more reasons why i stay away from texas! looove it!

  141. Sounds like a pretty standard TEXAS weekend to me… Although in South Texas instead of a bear hanging from the ceiling, it’s an 8″ buck hanging from a tree, and we don’t have a cannon just an ass load of shotguns… There is always drinking involved and any food being thrown is usually UP and not AT (see reference to drinking), LOL… and YES, Texas does not need the US but the US DOES need TEXAS!! YEE HAW!!! LOVE your blog!!!! It’s making my mold, water, and AC issues MUCH easy to bear (damn there is that bear again..LOL)

  142. need better upclose pic of said dead bear. that is so awesome. american pickers need to come to your dad’s place.

  143. OMG, laughing my ass off. But really I’m not surprised about the cannon firing in Texas. I have family in Texas and that would be a normal weekend affair…..only in my family it’s a potato gun (don’t ask). Holy cow on the popcorn though, sounds like a great time.

  144. my husband and i moved back to west texas from san antonio because i couldn’t stand my kids not growing up like we did… lol though i now find myself shaking my head because now i tend to justify the randomness caused by country living.

  145. I have a large part of my extended family in Texas, so I’m quite familiar with the ‘tude and antics of the Lone Star peeps. We vaca’d in East Texas (don’t ask) years ago and the entire time my hubby spent digging up my granny’s sewer system… cig butts down the toilet, really?!…. and killing snakes. I, on the other hand, spent the time with my face planted firmly in front of a swamp cooler.

    I can relate to the pyrotechnics, too. Our family adventures in this arena include starting mattress fringes on fire, thus causing the hubs to run the mattress down stairs and out the front door into the snow…. all while the local fire department cheered him on. Oh, and there was the time when my oldest son experimented with “natural” methane gas (read: farts) and a bic lighter. Yeah, life isn’t boring here, either.

    Love the read, Jenny!

  146. You have now surpassed John Cusack on my celebrity-swoon list. He’s been #1 on the list since I was 16..and I’m not doing the math so you can know how long that is, but let’s just say that I saw _The Journey of Natty Gann_ just because he was in it and there have been very few of his 50 or so movies that I haven’t seen and now when I watch them I’m starting to think to myself, “Wow, he’s not aging so well, whereas *I* am still fabulous as ever!”

  153. I love that there is an old gas pump next to the cannon in the yard. If the cannon doesn’t light with the blowtorch, you can easily pour some gasoline on it. Imagine that boom!

  154. Back in the earlyish nineties I lived in Lubbock. The locals were still talking about the tornado that had destroyed the main street of town. Apparently it did hundreds of dollars of damage. Tragically, it also eviscerated the main library, destroying both books. One hadn’t even been colored-in yet. When I mentioned to a local that I was planning on traveling by car to New Orleans, she asked what kind of gun I carried. I said I didn’t carry a gun, why should I? She was surprised, telling of hijackings, robbery, rapes and murders. I asked her about the the much vaunted Texas Rangers. She replied “Darlin, ah’m talkin bout tha Rangers!”

  157. None of this sounds weird because I have been to Texas and actually have friends who live there. I mean, not that I actually have friends, but that they actually live there. But on the other hand, it gives one lots to write about if you live in Texas.

  158. This doesn’t shock me at all. Texas is the bomb-diggity. I live here. I know.
    and I don’t envy a cross- state trip. not one bit. The trip from here in SETX to San-Antonio is horrible enough.

    It takes two days! to cross the state of Texas by car. I can get to West Virginia in that time.

  159. This may be the best post yet. Or it could be that I just needed to laugh hysterically and try not to pee myself at my desk more than usual today. Either way, you remain a genius and much admired.

  160. Uh… wouldn’t that be your “half twenty-sixth” anniversary? Or “one-third of thirty-ninth”? I like 39. It’s so _proudly_ odd.

  161. My husband’s family has a “ranch” (term used loosely) in Paint Rock. My side comes from Sweetwater/Midland/Ranger. Everything about your post seems really normal, and that kind of makes me sad. Damn, it’s been hot and dry this year.

  163. I’ve been there when someone sets something on fire with fireworks. In my case, the pine tree in our front yard had an unfortunate encounter with a bottle rocket. Thank god my dad had sense enough to keep the water hose handy for situations such as this.

    I think it’s awesome that your dad has a cannon.

  164. I seriously thought only my family did shit like this. We don’t light off cannons, but we do hide naked Santa ornaments in the Christmas tree.

  165. I had to read every comment before I got it. I thought that the second 12th anniversary meant you’d been married for 24 years and I COULD NOT figure out why this was a BAD thing. Then I started to get the picture that the second 12th was the one after the 12th and before the 14th. Sigh. I feel so retarded.

  166. I love visiting my mom in Texas. It’s one of the few places you can go in the US and really feel like you’ve gone *somewhere.* A place where people put gun racks on their trucks and cowboy hats on their heads with total sincerity. A place with drive-through liquor stores. A town where they celebrate reaching the #4 spot for the most drinking-est city in the US, and wonder how many more beers we’d need to hit #3. A place where your Uncle A.W. gets bit by a rattlesnake and your mom shoots squirrels away from the bird feeder with your brother’s old BB gun. (True stories, both of them.) God bless Texas. And please get me out alive and somewhat sober. Amen.

  167. I like how you’re all talking about chickens, and then suddenly Victor “flew” down… Can’t help picturing him as one of the bird-gang

  168. I thought there were drive through bottle shops everywhere they are really popular in australia. we call them bottle shops rather than liquor shops. liquor stores are posh places you have to get out of your car to shop in…with shoes on.

  169. Dearest Bloggess,
    I love you, but if you hadn’t included the pictures I wouldn’t have believed you.
    Despite everything else I’ve read on your blog.
    I should have known better.
    Noted.

    P.S. Perhaps it was your tenth anniversary with three years experience?

  170. Halfway through this post I knew you were in midland for it,I grew up there and drunkenly throwing hundreds of dollars of popcorn is how most west texans spend their summer, weird shit is just what west Texas does!

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