If I was a dog I’d be dead by now – Page 2

My body is a deadly weapon. Usually just to myself but today it’s really going the extra mile.

I’m too tired to type so here’s what’s happening now: View this post on Instagram Are you fucking serious right now? A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Jan 22, 2018 at 4:09pm PST Have you had this flu? If so, what helped? Going to sleep on the couch and have fever dreams now. PleaseContinue reading “My body is a deadly weapon. Usually just to myself but today it’s really going the extra mile.”

They’re like snow peas, but with less carbs. I assume.

Me: Dude. The news just said that snow leopards are no longer endangered, so guess what’s for dinner? Victor: Are they no longer endangered because there are more of them or because now they’re extinct? me: Oh. I don’t know. Damn. My joke just went from dark to tragic. PS. They’re not extinct. But they’reContinue reading “They’re like snow peas, but with less carbs. I assume.”

From flattered to offended to confused in under 5 seconds.

Y’all. I was at the post office picking up my mail and the very young clerk helping me suddenly became transfixed and started moaning loudly while looking at my chest. Like slack-jawed and audibly groaning loud enough that other people started looking and I thought, “Wow. My boobs have never had this effect on aContinue reading “From flattered to offended to confused in under 5 seconds.”

When do the cyborg bodies get here?

I’ve been a bit MIA lately so here’s a quick update about where I am and what I’m doing. I had a severe allergic reaction that made me vomit for 10 straight hours and I don’t recommend it. I developed an allergy to brazil nuts this year and now it’s so bad that even aContinue reading “When do the cyborg bodies get here?”

I have so many questions.

Note: I’m an idiot. So I have pneumonia again because of course I do and nothing is cutting this cough so today my doctor gave me some cough syrup and my first question was, “Why does it say ‘This is a RED LIQUID’ on the bottle? And so I asked twitter and they were like, “I dunno.Continue reading “I have so many questions.”

It’s a fantastic voyage, if your idea of travel involves an esophagus.

This morning I went to swallow a camera inside of a pill so that the doctor can find out where all my missing blood is going (my current assumption: I’m just really irresponsible) and it didn’t start well because I got there at 7am and waited for an hour because “there was a malfunction”, whichContinue reading “It’s a fantastic voyage, if your idea of travel involves an esophagus.”