I’m not really full of mosquitoes – Page 3

Also, I invented gravity.

People that I’m suing this week: 1. My 10-year-old niece, Gabi 2. The creators of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” 3. Natalie Dee Why? Remember back in January of 2009 when I invented kitten-mittens? Remember? And you said it was awesome? Fuck. Hang on. Here’s a snippet of the post to jog your memory: …I alsoContinue reading “Also, I invented gravity.”

UPDATED: Every vote counts. Unless it’s in the Shorty Awards. Apparently.

This is a long post so if you have ADD you can skip it and read the post I wrote this morning. Okay, remember a couple of weeks ago when I blogged about how bizarrely awesome it was that I was in second place in the coveted position of “Top Government Twitterer” in the ShortyContinue reading “UPDATED: Every vote counts. Unless it’s in the Shorty Awards. Apparently.”

And now I’ll never sleep again

Last night I couldn’t sleep so I got up and posted this on twitter: I was prepared for the amount of people who said that it was just me. I was not prepared for all the people whose night-time phobias put mine to shame. A small taste: Conclusion: You guys are totally weird. And IContinue reading “And now I’ll never sleep again”

Let’s vow to never have 2009 again.

Tonight I’m sitting here at home reflecting on the success of my last year’s New Year’s Resolution, which was to never, ever come up with New Year’s Resolutions again. It worked out well, if by “worked out well” you mean “failed to accomplish anything of value at all”. Which I do. So, yay me. ThisContinue reading “Let’s vow to never have 2009 again.”

Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. Having a cold on your birthday is even worse.

I feel bad for whoever said “Dying is easy. Comedy is hard” because it was probably the thing he’s most famous for and he said it while he was on his deathbed so he totally never got any play out of it. Unless whoever said it was someone already famous like Winston Churchill or something.Continue reading “Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. Having a cold on your birthday is even worse.”

Nice girls finish drunk.

People always tell me I shouldn’t give money to homeless people because they’ll just buy booze with it and I understand that but I’ve been giving money to the homeless for years and if we all stop giving hobos money then the liquor stores lose and that’s what causes a recession. Then we’re all fucked.Continue reading “Nice girls finish drunk.”