UPDATED: Every vote counts. Unless it’s in the Shorty Awards. Apparently.

in I am totally overrated, I'm not really full of mosquitoes, no one thinks this is funny but me, Posts that will get me hate mail, rants

This is a long post so if you have ADD you can skip it and read the post I wrote this morning.

Okay, remember a couple of weeks ago when I blogged about how bizarrely awesome it was that I was in second place in the coveted position of “Top Government Twitterer” in the Shorty Awards even though I’m not actually in the Government at all and then I even changed my avatar so that people would know that I’m not in the Government but people kept voting because I think people assume that a vote for me is a vote for how ridiculous popularity contests are?  Yeah, I don’t either.  That’s how long ago that was.  But it’s still going on and when I checked this week I was in second place.  Today the votes close and I never mentioned that on twitter because honestly I think we’re all a bit tired of seeing nominations all over the place but I went to see if I was still in the top 5 and I wasn’t.  I assumed it was because real Governmental twitterers had been deluged with votes and I was fine with that but then I looked a little closer and found that I HAD BEEN BANNED FROM THE CATEGORY ALTOGETHER.  And the 100+ votes for me for Government were all stricken from the record.  And in truth, if this was strictly a popular vote contest I’d understand why the Shorty Award people would want to get rid of me in case I accidentally won because it would make them look stupid but the truth is that a committee chooses the final winners so there was no reason to not let those votes just stand.  I call “shenanigans”.

But the Shorty Awards are falling back on a rule that I never actually saw before today which states that “Nominations that are not relevant within official categories will be removed” but first off, let me say that I was once selected for Jury Duty and although I didn’t actually get picked I’m pretty sure that counts as being part of the Government.  Apparently that’s not good enough for the Shorty Awards.  Because they hate civil service.  Or someone paid them off.  I mean, I don’t know.  I don’t actually know how voter fraud works.  But what I do know though is that the Government is run for the people, by the people and as of today I’m one of those people because a few minutes ago I was officially appointed the Official Government Coordinator of Useless Projects by Loraine Harrison, Mayor of Martindale, Texas.  Not a joke, y’all.  That.  Just.  Happened. And while technically it’s an unpaid position with no real power it does still make me an actual member of the Government.  And it’s a kick-ass job because Martindale is so efficiently run that we don’t even HAVE any useless projects so it’s basically my job to make sure I don’t actually ever have any duties. Done. Plus, Texas Chainsaw Massacre was filmed in Martindale.  So yeah. It’s totally bad-ass.

So this is the part where I demand that the Shorty Awards reinstate all the votes they so capriciously dismissed and return the power where it belongs….to the people. Who will use that power for ridiculously frivilous purposes, like making sure that our votes are counted and shouting “WOLVERINES!” in crowded subways just to celebrate the joy of chaos and inanity.  Because we can.  Yes.  We.  Can.

PS.  No joke.  The Mayor of Martindale will be appearing at the Mom 2.0 Summit next month to publicly induct me.  I have to supply my own crown though.  Also there will be some sort of certificate.  It is my fondest hope that it reads “Official Government Coordinator of Useless Projects and Bad Motherf-er.” I’m fine with just the first part though.  I can write the rest in with a sharpie.

PPS.  Hang on.  A few other elected officials had to weigh in and they’re all cool with it but they do think I need an actual duty so whenever I’m in Martindale it’s my job to keep track of C.C., the cat that lives at City Hall.  Because there’s a stray cat that lives in city hall and sleeps on the Administrator’s desk.  BECAUSE MARTINDALE IS THE MOST BAD ASS CITY EVER.

This has been a weird day.

UPDATE: Day two and so far, no response from the Shorty Award people even after I submitted a formal complaint on behalf of justice and democracy everywhere.  And to be honest, I’m a little disappointed.  This is an organization that appointed MC Hammer to be a part of the deciding committee so clearly they are taking this just as seriously as I am.  Still, they refuse to acknowledge me or even issue a restraining order against me.  To be blunt, it’s a little insulting to all of us.  Also, I was just informed that they have also stricken all of Neil Gaiman’s votes for “Customer Service” even though he had been leading that category ever since he announced his candidacy for that position because he also believes in not staying in the pre-conceived box people want to put you in.  Neil is still in first place for Literature which is, naturally, very fitting but is also such an obvious choice that I’m bored just saying it out loud.  In short, Neil was robbed.

Also, the Mayor of Martindale met with city officials and in order to make my role in the government less easy for the Shorty Awards to ignore they have decided to change my title to “Czar”.  My full title will be “Czar of Nothingness” so that I can’t actually hurt anything but it’s actually fine because now whenever someone asks you what you’re doing and you say “nothing” I think that means I’m your boss.  Also, they appointed the cat that lives at City Hall as the “Czar of Czars” so basically the cat is my boss.  I’ve had worse.

PS.  I am officially in love with Martindale, Texas and I’m not just saying that because my boss lives there.

PPS.  I’ve changed my twitter avatar in response to the Shorty Awards who are still avoiding eye-contact with me.

It's like if Betsy Ross had had access to photoshop.

UPDATED X 2: Okay, so my friend Laura was actually in Martindale while all of this was going down and she was able to both witness and capture the meeting where the city officials decided to make me a czar.

Direct quote from Laura's email: "Mayor Harrison, The City Manager and the City Attorney are having a meeting about you in these photos (not even kidding). The Czar of Czars (CC) is sleeping during this important meeting."

Also she was able to send me a picture of C.C.:

My new boss: "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME?!"

Laura assures me that he was just yawning but it looks a lot like he’s shouting maniacally at me.  Awesome.  I’m in trouble already.

Comment of the day: Um. I hate to break this to you, but David Archuletta IS STILL NOMINATED AS FOOD.  If this doesn’t call for revolution or some type of cannibalism, I’m not sure what does.  Ten bucks says he tastes of burnt walnuts. ~ moooooog35

132 thoughts on “UPDATED: Every vote counts. Unless it’s in the Shorty Awards. Apparently.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. Your cat should BE the crown. Bedazzle the cat! Then wrap him/her in tin foil and wear him/her to your inauguration. Make sure you have a convoy. And copious Martindale road closures. AND bullet proof glass. Don’t forget to bring something Not A Bible to swear on. Bring James Garfield. Be sworn in on him! And please, take pictures!!! Or video…

  4. You know what ain’t right? You can vote for the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES by writing someone’s name in on the ballot. Screw the Shorty Awards if they want to play this “category” nonsense.

    The Bloggess for President!
    .-= Stormy Cruz´s last blog ..For the Love of Sarcasm =-.

  8. What? You’re a way better government something than other government somethings. And your do nothing position will surely result in a more postivie result than the asshats that currently do stuff about things and whatnot. Enraged, is what I am. To twitter!
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Home Alone: The Story Of Me. =-.

  9. I just opened your page at the Shortys and the random “Shorty Interview” question on the right was answered by you. How unoriginal and entirely not random.

    Also, you can do without six of your fingers. I’m pretty sure they respawn eventually. If not, well, there’s always toes. And cloning. Or you could train Hailey to type for you. All are viable alternatives.

    Anyway, I should probably read the rest of this post.
    .-= suchadan´s last blog ..suchadan: @nyshana OH. You mean how will my conscience let me? :p It’s only valid in NI anyway :p =-.

  13. I think Jenn’s idea of a cat on the head is EXACTLY what a Bad Ass Motherfucker would wear to an induction.
    Congratulations on your appointment and now you are officially The (wo)Man that we are all going to be fighting against. HOLD THE LINE.
    🙂

  17. “PS. No joke. The Mayor of Martindale will be appearing at the Mom 2.0 Summit next month to publicly induct me.”

    Are you sure you didn’t misread that as “indict”? You may want to have a look at your warrant record in Martindale…
    .-= Rob Z.´s last blog ..Revenge Of The Infamous Christmas Letter =-.

  19. I’m thinking that it’s absolutely imperative that you bring me to this induction ceremony. I’ll provide the crown.
    .-= Nicole The Intern´s last blog ..sex, numbers, and a giveaway of the new texts from last night book that you’ll love and find wildly hilarious unless of course you don’t have a sense of humor or a taste for ridiculous vulgarity in which case what the fuck are you doing reading this blog in the first place? =-.

  20. Last time I checked, being a citizen in The United States of America qualifies you as being part of government, as you are and integral part of the process. YAAAAA High school civics classes sunk in…lol

  21. Do you need a Communications Coordinator? My whole job is basically the coordination of useless projects, so I am really good at that. And I am awesome at cluttering up efficient processes with bureaucratic red-tape, so we could keep you in your role forever. You wouldn’t have to pay me, because I’m used to not making very much for doing lots of work. This whole comment is way more depressing than I intended it to be. Fortunately, I work at a university so I can drink at the campus bars for cheap during my lunch breaks.
    .-= emvandee´s last blog ..Deep frying and sriracha even makes eggs better. =-.

  22. I knew the Shorty Awards were bogus last year when @AlohaArleen won last year after being on Twitter for 2 months. They are only an indication of who can mobilize their followers to vote for them and the more shameless, the better.

    The only interesting thing about the Shorty Awards are the user-generated categories which are hilarious.
    .-= Liz´s last blog ..nwjerseyliz: RT: @TheBloggess http://thebloggess.com/?p=5621 I can’t believe this actually just happened. (Shame on you, @ShortyAwards!) =-.

  24. I think your first duty as government official should be to declare a National “Wolverine Day” … And hugh jackman can be our figure head cause I’d so give his figure some head!!!

  27. I’ve never even heard of the Shorty awards – so there! But, as the wife of a political strategist, (which makes me an expert something) this is your golden ticket to put next-year’s Shorty in the bag. Begin with a farmville facebook smackdown initiative. Require everyone in the municipality give you their facebook password. Anytime an inane notice (i.e. teddybears, kisses, livestock, machine guns) send ’em a picture of C.C. spraying the computer and then hiding their profile. Of course, they might have to change your credentials from Coordinator of Useless Projects to Savior of the Universe, but that can’t hurt you in the polls.

  32. I blame Diet Dr. Pepper. They were so mad that you caused a kerfuffle over there product that they got you banned. Either way, them making my vote not count is total crap and makes them a bunch of cocknuckles!

  34. Wait, Bloggess isn’t an official government position? Queen of the Interwebs doesn’t count as government/royalty? International diet dr. pepper celebrity doesn’t grant you some sort of jurisdiction over something? I want my votes back.
    .-= Cheddar´s last blog ..TMI Thursday: Mommy? =-.

  36. Fuck the shorty awards.

    I hear there is a tonight show opening..

    Reminds me. The other you said you wanted
    some to something rediculous.
    So, will you Marry Me and spawn offspring to fill our trailer?
    I promise to build a shiny new white fence.

  37. I think your first duty as government official should be to declare a National “Wolverine Day” … And hugh jackman can be our figure head cause I’d so give his figure some head!!!

    And while you’re at it, you can have the “shorty awards” investigated for insider trading or something. Cause retribution is what a Bad Motherfucker with a Cat Crown would do…

  40. Oh my god, I think you should totally wear your cat as the crown and Mon, who said to bedazzle your cat? THAT’S BRILLIANT. Because didn’t someone famous just go on record that they bedazzle their vajajay (Jennifer Love Hewitt, I’m thinking) and so you can say that your cat is your bedazzled pussy AND your crown. Oh, I’m dying over here. And I also second bringing James Garfield.
    .-= Andrea (@shutterbitch)´s last blog ..The Ride of a Lifetime =-.

  42. Martindale for the NEW Capital of the US! Nay. Martindale for the New Center of the Kick Ass Universe! Really. How kick-assly awesome are those cylinder structures in the picture! They remind me of huge balls for some reason.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..The strength of not giving a damn =-.

  46. I totally want to move to Martindale. Screw Canada and it’s random probing of unconscious women’s cooters.

    Any place where you get to be a bad ass mother fucker and queen of random shit, is Nirvana.

  47. Shenanigans is right. And the only way to fight shenanigans is with SHOEnanigans. That’s right people. Let’s march down to the Shorty’s office and beat those motherfuckers senseless with our shoes. We’ll be like that crazy Iraqi guy [or was he Irani…fuck, it’s hard to tell one from the other] that threw the shoe at George W. And when we throw our shoes our battle cry will be “WOLVERINE!!!” Them fuckers gotta pay!
    .-= Bad Guy Zero´s last blog ..Reaction To Today’s iPad Announcement =-.

  50. This shit is awesome even by Bloggess standards. Just when I think the bar cannot possibly get any higher, you get inducted into government office and shit.

    When you run the world I want to know if I can be your personal bathroom attendant. Which is not as stupid a request as it seems on the surface, given that all the best Bloggess gatherings seem to occur there.

  52. I seem to remember another incident in which the popular vote was ignored by a small, exclusive group of people, and we all know how that turned out. Do we really want Bush to get a Shorty? No. No we do not.

  53. I forgot to ask this in my previous comment: Will you be getting a kick-ass ring along with your crown? Because when we are introduced to you doesn’t etiquette dictate that we kneel before you and kiss your ring? Or is that for just The Pope? I guess it doesn’t matter since you’ll probably make Pope next week.
    .-= Bad Guy Zero´s last blog ..Reaction To Today’s iPad Announcement =-.

  54. “Official Government Coordinator of Useless Projects and Bad Motherf-er.”

    I think we need one of those for the entire State of Texas. Maybe we can convince the Governor to appoint you?

    Oh, and I think a crown of cats would be totally appropriate for that position.

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Don’t Touch, not Don’t Tell! =-.

  55. They make you feel important and then they snatch it away right from underneath ya!

    I’m with Jenn who suggested you’d wear your cat as a crown. Stylish yet original and it shows a love for creatures of all kinds. I like. 🙂
    .-= Spilling Ink´s last blog ..Little Miss Hairy Legs =-.

  57. apparently there was a fire that was started in houston because of an inflatable gorilla. i feel like you should be informed of this.

  58. I think you’re my hero.

    Take THAT Shorty Awards. YOU CAN’T HOLD BACK A HERO.

  60. The government is corrupt. That’s why husband just said tonight we’re moving to Ireland. But then he said the Brits are crazy, though so that might not be the best place either. But then I reminded him that the British no longer own the Irish and don’t tax them on how much sunlight comes through their windows anymore. So Ireland is totally back on the table as an option.

    I’m behind you 1000$ and if there’s a petition, I’ll sign it. Like 10000 times because if they’re going to engage in voter fraud there’s no reason you shouldn’t. After all, you are part of the government now. You’re totally expected to be deceitful.

    Oh and on a side note, not that it matters, that little “last post” thingy down below… yeah it’s like 5 posts behind my last post. Weird. My last one was “Apparently I should just not eat… ever.” Maybe that’s too long. Damn government. I’m sure they’re responsible somehow.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Struggling… =-.

  62. Um. I hate to break this to you, but David Archuletta IS STILL NOMINATED AS FOOD.

    If this doesn’t call for revolution or some type of cannibalism, I’m not sure what does.

    Ten bucks says he tastes of burnt walnuts.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Doggone Excuses =-.

  65. Daaaaamn. I must have ADD because when I first read : “so if you have ADD ” at first I didn’t know what you were talking about and I started to think maybe you meant some computer application I’m unaware of. Then I thought “why haven’t I heard of this ADD application? I bet it’s cool and I have to have it!”
    Then my anti-dumbass serum kicked in because I relaized I must have ADD because I just got wrapped around the axle wondering what you meant by ADD and made plans to purchase this cool knew technology.

    Uhhhhh….I’m gonna go ride my bike now. Wait. Right after I read your post.
    Shit!

  66. Holy shit! The Mayor of Martindale, Texas? No. FUCKING. WAI.

    Texas is becoming more and more appealing to me.

    By the way, I’m thinking of making “WOLVERINES!” a callback in Rocky Horror Picture Show. I’ve played Frankenfurter in a couple local productions so I totally have that power and knowledge. Don’t dream it, be it, bitch (Lady Gaga version).

    ALSO, my boyfriend has a wallet that says “Bad Motherfucker” on it in big black block letters. Maybe he can let you borrow it.
    .-= Angela´s last blog ..My Dreams Are Way Too Real =-.

  69. Who’s the guy that said, “It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”?

    Notice that “by the people” part? Who said it? C’mon shortybrains? WHO FUCKING SAID IT? These people piss me off.

    P.S., TheCheckoutGirl… You just made me realize I’m never fat when I’m dreaming. That’s really funny. I never realized this before.

  71. I have decided that you are the Martin Luther King Jr. of the Shorty Awards. This, combined with your new duties as HERO OF MARTINDALE (and the Redwall series by default because there are way too many Martins in this situation for it to be a coincidence) give you a civic duty to lead us to equality on Twitter!

    Go forth and conquer!

  76. No one has answered my question from the first time we discussed this. I’m actually totally fine with you winning in Government….I mean you use words like Parliament and crap…..But I still don’t understand the douche bag from American Idol in the Top 5 for Food.
    .-= Kerrie´s last blog ..Going Public =-.

  79. What pisses me off about this whole thing is they removed you from the category because you’re not in government, yet Marlon Wayans is winning in humor. What does he have to do with humor? Read his tweets. I’ve read better tweets from pornbots and those who seek to enlighten me on the many ways to prepare cauliflower. I mean, David Archuleta was winning Food for a month. Granted, he does look tasty and I would eat him when the time comes to eat people (tick-tock), but it just shows that the whole thing is a joke. Except for the humor category. That apparently is joke-free.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Home Alone: The Story Of Me. =-.

  80. Martindale’s mayor must read your blog and realize what true democracy is…by the people and shit. Stupid shorty awards. I think your cat crown and new public office are WAY cooler. Shove it NASA.

  81. PS. I totally agree that you should bedazzle C.C. the cat and wrap it up in foiled wrapping paper. Also invite your mom who doesn’t answer your emails to your induction and make sure James Garfield is included as a witness and shit.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..I Gave In =-.

  84. Well, I never liked the name of the award anyways. Making fun of short people is just not right.

    But they didn’t just do it to you. @neilhimself lost his votes for customer service (No. 1)and he had a chainsaw!!! @warrenellis was booted out of the culture institution category. Now if you follow him, you should know, he deserves to be institutionalized in any culture.

    BTW your new pic is the cat’s pajamas….SOOOOO CUTE.

  87. Um…sort of drunk…so pretty much scrolled through the shorty award part…b/c I STILL have NO idea what they are…but whatever……..
    Anyway, I too, LOVE MARTINDALE!!! and My friends have a farm there with a fishing pond & a donky, too…his name is Curtis….
    they have several camp out events….like: Dip Olympics http://www.sanmarcosrecord.com/features/local_story_275104200.html
    and National Corn Dog Day http://www.corndogday.com/parties?page=1&filter0=95&filter1=**ALL**&filter2=36
    I will get back to you when the events happen this year….corn Dog day is usually in March…and you can contact me thru FB…you know how…I think— and there are pics on my profile of both events….I probably have ill written blogs about them, too…..who knows
    .-= NinjaDragonFly´s last blog ..Perry Farrell Update Jan. 28 =-.

  88. I don’t know who decides who’s part of Government and who’s not. I mean look at the House and Senate. If those guys can be government whatevers, then you should be in first place. You have class and not sex in airplance bathrooms with randoms. (even if you do, you keep it a much better secret)
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Say Huh? =-.

  90. while this post kind of confused me because i’m in the throes of an off kilter medicating episode…i think that the shorty awards have disqualified you.

    what. the. fuck?!

    i have never voted for any of that idiotic “who’s the best” rankings until YOU.

    i am totally not renewing my prescription to whoever is in charge of that shit.

    andrea

    p.s. i mean SUBscription.

    p.p.s. maybe i do mean PREscription. because that is what you are for me. WHATEVER.

  92. Martindale, Texas. OMG so adorable. It’s almost unreal. They need a movie filmed there, stat.

    Yes, Ma’am. I shall not question your authority.

    Small towns in Texas scare me slightly. Cool if they are like ‘The Last Picture Show.’ Not cool if like the scene from Giant where they harass the Mexicans in the diner.

  94. If you need a Director Of Hand-holding (which, as an Office Manager/Executive Assistant is the bulk of what I actually get paid to do on a daily basis, anyway, so you know I’m good at it) I officially volunteer. I also give great back massages, send pictures of funny animals, and bring cups of tea with honey whenever people seem sniffly or exhausted. (And I have my own tiara and everything, so I’m pretty much perfect for this position.)

    So, do we call you “Madame Coordinator” now, when we curtsy?
    .-= Miss B´s last blog ..Shining Silver Threads =-.

  97. A question: is Martindale a suitable place of residence for two not-so-flaming homosexuals? Because Fred and I are really getting tired of Minnesota Winters. And if I’m appointed as Minister of Pie, I won’t want to commute.
    .-= Keith´s last blog ..Rifftrax Live =-.

  102. I just checked the shorty awards and it says you came in 10th place in government. I think you deserved 1st but NASA came in first.

  103. That’s because they’re only counting the votes that came in after the disqualified the hundred+ votes I got before. If they counted all the true votes I’d be right behind NASA. This is just like that hanging chad thing. Except worse because MC Hammer is involved.

  104. Dude MC Hammer is so on Twitter. We should send him a deluge of messages saying that they’re ripping you off by having removed you from the Shorties. You know, like that whole thing with the Shat.
    .-= birdie´s last blog ..Outfit: Presented by M641 =-.

  106. Well, all I know is there are two pretty kitties that are being cheated out of their rightful positions in regards to your most deserved Shorty Award, or whatever it’s called. Your boss, the Czar of Czars, won’t be able to take all the credit for your award and accolades, and your beautiful, albeit somewhat confused (???), kitty will miss out on what I can only imagine would be QUITE the bejeweled, bedazzled, and bloggessed up Queen of the Shorty Awards throne/crown (kitty’s thrown, your crown…you know, since he…or she…sits on your head). Surely we have a picket line planned or a petition or SOMETHING????
    .-= Malin (MomtheBomb13)´s last blog ..he’s a boob man… =-.

  107. i am SO HAPPY you quit your job to focus on your writing. though, i think your definition of writing is more like the ability to put yourself in ridiculous situations.

    WOLVERINES!

  110. Ah, got it. (too much bourbon on the brain) I figured you should have had a ton more votes than what was there.

    Well, being the Czar of Nothingness should give you the power to abolish the Shorty awards to nothingness. Or you could set the Czar of Czars on their asses.

  112. Martindale, TX should replace Washington, DC as our nation’s capital. look at the shit they’re getting done. and czar of czars is one fierce mofo. did he just eat an atomic fireball? shorty awards get your laws off our claws.

  113. I’m new here, and now you’re already my Czar during week-ends and most evenings? Oh well. Any orders?
    (Btw, I like it here.)

  114. Know what else was filmed in Martindale? Waiting for Guffman. Not even shitting you. I hope that lends a new level of awesome to this for you.
    .-= Nate´s last blog ..Welcome (Back). =-.

  116. Pingback: Weekend link dump for January 31 – Off the Kuff
  121. Pingback: The Shorty Awards respond. Barely. — TheBloggess.com

  123. OK, folks, maybe we just need an “alternate Shortie” award, and we can give it to TheBloggess – in EVERY F’ING CATEGORY THERE IS! Because she is that. damn. good.

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..? Another Day Older… =-.

  124. I just went on the Martindale, TX website. Your position is not on it. In fact, it hasn’t been updated since about 2007. As Czar of Nothingness, I think you should tell those slackers to fix it and dedicate the entire thing to you. And James Garfield.

  125. I. LOVE. YOU! For all the wrong reasons but I think we should procreate. I know that’s not technically possible, but it’s worth a shot. Oh. Wait. I like men. And I’m married to one of them. Anyway. I love you!

  126. I always laugh when I read your posts. But occasionally laugh so hard my stomach hurts.

    Thanks. A. Lot.

    No really! Thank you! Until this I was sitting around my house contemplating how I would rather have someone beating my ass than be sitting here alone.

    I’m not depressed. I’m just into rough sex.

  127. Martindale is the best city/town (waht is it, and I’m a Native Texan!) EVER! Good to see they recognize your massive talents for the Czar-ship.

  128. I have ADHD and just read this whole post. I commend you for your willingness to preventatively accommodate those with learning disabilities. That is some inclusion right there. Very Section 508 of you. Thank you, really. Maybe I’ll send you another penis (reminder: oscar meyer weiner whistle i stole from my child i love you so) to show my gratitude (just found an awesome knit penis chapstick holder pattern – http://soothinglament.livejournal.com/9553.html – which I’m sure can hide a bullet and by “bullet” I am talking either a vibrator or a silver bullet because aren’t werewolves very similar to wolverines? you can never be too prepared… maybe i’d knit it a little longer to hold both a vibrator and a silver bullet so that you can relax AND kill the motherfucker… much better to hold those things instead of chapstick since it is a little ookey to think of something inside a penis being used to lubricate the lips, and by lips i’m talking about the ones on your face. besides, who needs drugs when you have a vibrator?)

  129. p.s. I read your snake katana post to my mother tonight. (this is the post i share with anyone who hasn’t had a bloggess experience – cult crack that one). consider that a head’s up. she may be coming around for a visit.

  130. Wow. I followed your link from twitter and found the coolest job title ever – The Czar of Nothingness.

    Why was I not reading you a year ago?

    How did things go with your boss? Was he really mad? I would have said in that photo he looked 50% mad, 50% I’m going to eat you, so I’m pleased you’ve not been devoured yet.

    Oh. I’ve now totally forgot why you tweeted this link. I’m sure it was important as well and perhaps demanded some good luck wishes. So, let me wish you good luck forthatthingidon’tremember. Or alternatively, good luck for Wednesday (the most indecisive day of the week..is it in league with Monday, or Friday? who knows…)

    Katy x

  132. Pingback: Dear internet: You have lost your damn mind. Never change. — TheBloggess.com

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Victor said there was a life hack for removing these without scissors and I was like, “Yeah, I already know one” and now I’m bleeding.
Hailey wrote a 10 minute play for school called Happy Fun Times and it won the audience choice award last night! So proud of them.
My doctor is ghosting me.
May we all have as much joy as Dorothy Barker when the treat drawer opens.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Just Another Meat-Eating Dirtbag: A memoir: ‘A charming, often hilarious look at how love is actually the worst.’-Tom Hart, author of the NYT bestseller Rosalie Lighting

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

A Thousand Miles to Graceland by Kristen Mei Chase: The journey of a thousand miles begins with sequins and a beehive wig in this funny and tender novel about Mothers, daughters and the surprising power of Elvis.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Feely Human Collective: A space for the big-hearted, the highly sensitive, the activists, meaning makers, and mental health advocates. A space to grow and grapple with the wonders of empathy, vulnerability, and emotional curiosity and be seen in all your beautiful wholeness.

Stix Yarn: We live in the beautiful mountains of Montana, sell gorgeous yarns and unique fabrics, and offer lots of opinions on the best ways to get the most out of said mountains, yarn, and fabric.

Quantum Possum: an inclusive, neurodivergence-affirming graphic novel taking readers on a wacky & frequently sidetracked adventure through Cosmic Bog, helping creatures in need and including everyone in the fun.

Acrylic Diva’s Online Painting Class: paint yourself happy from the comfort of your home. Stress free, easy art instruction with a seasoned professional artist. It’s the most fun you can have in your pajamas. Really.

Paris Writers: Join best-selling novelists Laurie Frankel, Ann Garvin, and Lauren Grodstein for a week of practical information – and inspiration! – in Paris this summer.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

PillTimer: No ads, no tracking, no math; just simple, no-nonsense medicine tracking for iPhone and iPad.

Green Heart Guidance: Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., is an international psychic, intuitive and medium who helps people heal from physical, spiritual, emotional or sexual illnesses and traumas.

Thanks to Her: Finding Power and Inspiration in Your Family Photos Discover how American women (and your own relatives!) kicked ass between 1900-1950. Remember: Yes, she did … And so can you!

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

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