This is a long post so if you have ADD you can skip it and read the post I wrote this morning.
Okay, remember a couple of weeks ago when I blogged about how bizarrely awesome it was that I was in second place in the coveted position of “Top Government Twitterer” in the Shorty Awards even though I’m not actually in the Government at all and then I even changed my avatar so that people would know that I’m not in the Government but people kept voting because I think people assume that a vote for me is a vote for how ridiculous popularity contests are? Yeah, I don’t either. That’s how long ago that was. But it’s still going on and when I checked this week I was in second place. Today the votes close and I never mentioned that on twitter because honestly I think we’re all a bit tired of seeing nominations all over the place but I went to see if I was still in the top 5 and I wasn’t. I assumed it was because real Governmental twitterers had been deluged with votes and I was fine with that but then I looked a little closer and found that I HAD BEEN BANNED FROM THE CATEGORY ALTOGETHER. And the 100+ votes for me for Government were all stricken from the record. And in truth, if this was strictly a popular vote contest I’d understand why the Shorty Award people would want to get rid of me in case I accidentally won because it would make them look stupid but the truth is that a committee chooses the final winners so there was no reason to not let those votes just stand. I call “shenanigans”.
But the Shorty Awards are falling back on a rule that I never actually saw before today which states that “Nominations that are not relevant within official categories will be removed” but first off, let me say that I was once selected for Jury Duty and although I didn’t actually get picked I’m pretty sure that counts as being part of the Government. Apparently that’s not good enough for the Shorty Awards. Because they hate civil service. Or someone paid them off. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t actually know how voter fraud works. But what I do know though is that the Government is run for the people, by the people and as of today I’m one of those people because a few minutes ago I was officially appointed the Official Government Coordinator of Useless Projects by Loraine Harrison, Mayor of Martindale, Texas. Not a joke, y’all. That. Just. Happened. And while technically it’s an unpaid position with no real power it does still make me an actual member of the Government. And it’s a kick-ass job because Martindale is so efficiently run that we don’t even HAVE any useless projects so it’s basically my job to make sure I don’t actually ever have any duties. Done. Plus, Texas Chainsaw Massacre was filmed in Martindale. So yeah. It’s totally bad-ass.
So this is the part where I demand that the Shorty Awards reinstate all the votes they so capriciously dismissed and return the power where it belongs….to the people. Who will use that power for ridiculously frivilous purposes, like making sure that our votes are counted and shouting “WOLVERINES!” in crowded subways just to celebrate the joy of chaos and inanity. Because we can. Yes. We. Can.
PS. No joke. The Mayor of Martindale will be appearing at the Mom 2.0 Summit next month to publicly induct me. I have to supply my own crown though. Also there will be some sort of certificate. It is my fondest hope that it reads “Official Government Coordinator of Useless Projects and Bad Motherf-er.” I’m fine with just the first part though. I can write the rest in with a sharpie.
PPS. Hang on. A few other elected officials had to weigh in and they’re all cool with it but they do think I need an actual duty so whenever I’m in Martindale it’s my job to keep track of C.C., the cat that lives at City Hall. Because there’s a stray cat that lives in city hall and sleeps on the Administrator’s desk. BECAUSE MARTINDALE IS THE MOST BAD ASS CITY EVER.
This has been a weird day.
UPDATE: Day two and so far, no response from the Shorty Award people even after I submitted a formal complaint on behalf of justice and democracy everywhere. And to be honest, I’m a little disappointed. This is an organization that appointed MC Hammer to be a part of the deciding committee so clearly they are taking this just as seriously as I am. Still, they refuse to acknowledge me or even issue a restraining order against me. To be blunt, it’s a little insulting to all of us. Also, I was just informed that they have also stricken all of Neil Gaiman’s votes for “Customer Service” even though he had been leading that category ever since he announced his candidacy for that position because he also believes in not staying in the pre-conceived box people want to put you in. Neil is still in first place for Literature which is, naturally, very fitting but is also such an obvious choice that I’m bored just saying it out loud. In short, Neil was robbed.
Also, the Mayor of Martindale met with city officials and in order to make my role in the government less easy for the Shorty Awards to ignore they have decided to change my title to “Czar”. My full title will be “Czar of Nothingness” so that I can’t actually hurt anything but it’s actually fine because now whenever someone asks you what you’re doing and you say “nothing” I think that means I’m your boss. Also, they appointed the cat that lives at City Hall as the “Czar of Czars” so basically the cat is my boss. I’ve had worse.
PS. I am officially in love with Martindale, Texas and I’m not just saying that because my boss lives there.
PPS. I’ve changed my twitter avatar in response to the Shorty Awards who are still avoiding eye-contact with me.
UPDATED X 2: Okay, so my friend Laura was actually in Martindale while all of this was going down and she was able to both witness and capture the meeting where the city officials decided to make me a czar.
Also she was able to send me a picture of C.C.:
Laura assures me that he was just yawning but it looks a lot like he’s shouting maniacally at me. Awesome. I’m in trouble already.
Comment of the day: Um. I hate to break this to you, but David Archuletta IS STILL NOMINATED AS FOOD. If this doesn’t call for revolution or some type of cannibalism, I’m not sure what does. Ten bucks says he tastes of burnt walnuts. ~ moooooog35