And now I’ll never sleep again

Last night I couldn’t sleep so I got up and posted this on twitter:

I was prepared for the amount of people who said that it was just me.  I was not prepared for all the people whose night-time phobias put mine to shame.  A small taste:

Conclusion: You guys are totally weird.  And I know you’re going to point out that I was the one who started all of this with my fear of floating away but technically my fear is a recognized phobia so I’m pretty sure that makes me the normal one:

Fear of leprechauns is not even mentioned in the whole phobia list.  Conclusion: I’m less crazy than you. Except that I’m never going to be able sleep again because now I can’t stop thinking about the leprechaun axe murderers under the bed. Awesome. I’ve been infected.  But it’s not that big of a deal because I just spent the last two hours cramming all of Victor’s winter clothes under our bed so that there’s no room for anyone to hide under there.  Problem solved.  With science.

Updated: Victor got all pissy because he couldn’t find a sweater and I told him that he was just going to have to layer up with a bunch of t-shirts if he was cold because I had to use all his heavy clothes to save us from leprechauns and he totally freaked out in a really irrational sort of way.  Probably because he has fear of leprechauns burrowing into his winter clothes to make a cave to hide their axes in, which is not even a recognized phobia.

That man has issues.

Comment of the day: Fun fact: Nothing bad can happen to you as long as a PORTION of you is covered. Unless it’s your face. Then you will be murdered. ~ sarah

179 thoughts on “And now I’ll never sleep again

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Oh yeah, I’m on board with your brand of crazy. You gotta have a sheet on because A) you’ll get cold and B) You’ll get attacked or something. I’m not sure by what, but play it safe, right?

    Also, I’m pretty sure that The Fog can still live in those clothes and come out to kill you, mariner style with fish hooks. Jeez, I may have to stop thinking of you as one of my wisest blogging muses.
    .-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..I’m Casket Shopping =-.

  2. Sounds like his issues have issues! I keep a thick quilt over me so the hooves of the sheep I am counting don’t trample me after I have gone to sleep! the extra padding helps…seriously!

  3. And I thought I was alone on the vampire thing… vampire bats, dude. They could totally fly in the window! Must have a sheet over some part of me – even in extreme heat.

    Actually, I think I finally got over the vampire fear – now it’s an OCD thing. Is that better or worse than a phobia?
    .-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..Grandma Claus =-.

  4. Hundred percent feel the same way. Even if it’s 100 degrees out, I need something to keep me covered. And I’ll crank up the AC before I take that blanket off.

    But now I have to worry about leprechauns and vampires too. Damn.
    .-= Kristen´s last blog ..Wedding Recap =-.

  5. I kind of want to know who develops a fear of barley, and when? Are there really enough people scared of barley to name it an official phobia, yet leprechauns didn’t even make it? WTF? Those little bastards are freaky as sh*t. I’d check your sources.
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Then Again, Maybe I Will… =-.

  6. I used to sleep on a captains bed as a kid, it is a bed with shelves under it. Anyway right below my head was an empty cupboard-like spot. I was sure a witch lived in there so I had to sleep with the blankets over my head. I did that until someone told me that there was a moster who went around chopping off heads that weren’t outside of the blankets. Never slept with the blankets over my head again.

  7. Jenny, how very thoughtful of everyone to give you some brand-spanking NEW phobias to work on.

    Yes, I cannot sleep without a BLANKET and no, a sheet will not do. My feet and head can stick out, but that is all (co-sleeping with newborns required careful, meticulous preparation and ministrations each night!) And those stupid hotels that insist on everything tucked in drive me NUTS, it has to be all loose and pulled out so I can nervously toss n’ turn all night long.

    I am not sure why I need a blanket, but I suppose if I examine that list carefully, I can scout a reason why. However, I think ignorance is bliss in this case.
    .-= cagey´s last blog ..Ringing in the New Year =-.

  8. My husband insists that we have the top blanket be dark side out so the nozgul can’t get to us (I think those are some kind of bad guys from lord of the rings). Weirdness written all over that. I usually just roll my eyes and go with it.
    .-= Heather Rasmussen´s last blog ..Proof. =-.

  9. I should have played along…My phobia? It doesn’t matter how hot I am, my feet MUST BE COVERED or something resembling zombie wolves will crawl out from under the bed and eat my feet.

  10. OMG! Wow. Weirdness overload. But also super funny! I’m ROTFL. At work. You people aren’t right but, Bloggess, you are right that you are the least weird one. Talk about a reality check! Loved all the tweets but the best one was the Gatekeeper reference! Love it!

    I have got to stop sleeping at night. Look at what all I’m missing on Twitter. Not to mention if I’m not sleeping I don’t ever have to worry about whether or not I need a blanket. 😉

  11. Well, I saw your tweet, and I spent at least 3 minutes thinking about all the ways I could possibly respond. The floating up into the sky isn’t my biggest sleeping-without-a-blanket fear. I’m glad I didn’t respond, but I’m more glad that you posted all of the responses because I fear ALL OF THESE THINGS and more and I know I’m a freak but at least I’m not alone.

    So did you end up falling asleep before seeing these responses? Or did you stay up even later reading all of them and not sleeping at all?

  12. I have a similar phobia that keeps me from falling asleep on a plane. I’m always afraid that if I fall asleep on a plane I’ll somehow wake up on the outside of the plane in freefall. Not that the plane will crash or anything, but that my consciousness is all that’s keeping me from phasing through the hull of the plane. The few times I have attempted to sleep I usually wake up with a jolt,which is always fun.

  13. I made the mistake of reading The Entity as a child (why weren’t my parents more closely monitoring my reading choices?!?!?!). For a long time I couldn’t sleep in the nude (was only a problem in the summer), but I’ve upgraded to *Having* to have a blanket or sheet over me. I’m not sure why I’m convinced the sheet or blanket will stop The Entity, but it will!

  14. Yah, now I have a fear of having irrational fears. Which doesn’t work well because I have many, many irrational fears. So basically, I’m afraid of myself. Thanks for the psych issues!
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Please Stay Tuned =-.

  15. As a child, I caught part of a movie where someone got bit on the neck by a vampire. After that I became terrified a vampire would bite me on the neck while I sleep. So now I have to have the sheet/blankets pulled up to my chin. Also, I had this belief that my back would be strong enough to prevent a stabbing if bad people broke into our house. So I sleep on my stomach or with my back to the door. Always.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Tuesday Trivia: Geography =-.

  16. I totally thought I was the only one who was afraid to let my appendages out lest they be tickled by evil monsters under my bed, and then KimberlyTheGiver set me straight.

  17. In addition to the fear of nighttime foot stabbing: I also have barophobia! For me is is when I am on a bridge or a mountain or something and I am afraid gravity will stop working for just a second so I float away from the ground but then starts working again so I go hurtling into the abyss…

    Hmm. Last night I dreamt that the bridge near my house (a major commute artery) broke apart and big scaly dinosaur looking like things came out of the Bay and there were wolves outside my door (wolves!) but the wolves looked sick (one had teeth embedded in its side) and then this guy rescuing me put me on top of a statue which was fucked because of the barophobia and then I escaped into a below ground mall that you got to by jumping headfirst down a giant slide. Weird. How many phobias in that dream?
    .-= Leigh´s last blog ..statutory relief =-.

  18. When googling “What are leprechauns afraid of?” to save all of your freaks out there with irrational fears, I found this response:
    “I know they are afraid of people capturing them and grabbing them. It is also believed that they will “drown in a light rain, float away in a breezy day and get buried in a snowstorm.”

    Evidently leprechauns, ironically, also fear floating away, Jenny.
    Maybe you can use this to your advantage. Go under your bed and commiserate with the leprechauns over your identical fears, and then form a pact with the leps – you won’t pour water on them, if they tie you down while you sleep… kind of like Gulliver’s Travels.

  19. I sleep with the covers around my neck for fear of vampires biting me. But now, thanks to your followers, I have a whole bunch of new crazy things that are going to terrify me. Damn my over active imagination!
    .-= Mandra´s last blog ..450 =-.

  20. I’m hesitant to offer this nugget of information because I don’t want to come off as being for Victor. Au contraire, I’m usually with you in that he’s manipulating the interwebs so that HE’S always right. But this bit of info simply cannot be overlooked.


    I know this because it was all over the interwebs a few years ago:

    Besides, the blanket really protects you from Bolsheviks. That’s what psychologists call “Bolshephobia.” And that’s real. I know. I saw it on the interwebs. The REAL interwebs. Not the Victor-manipulated interwebs.
    .-= Bad Guy Zero´s last blog ..BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air =-.

  21. I hate walking by my bed at night. I too have a fear of someone or something grabbing my ankles or slitting my achilles tendons. Thank you X Files for THAT!

  22. Lucky Charms, They’re magically delicious. Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons, Green Clovers, Blue Diamonds and Crimson Chopped Off Bloody Toes.

  23. When I was itty bitty my dad bought me a stuffed owl* to protect me at night. He told me that since owls can see in the dark and are nocturnal, Owlie would totally let me know if there was a monster coming and wouldn’t shirk in order to nap).

    Owlie is currently in my bed (sleeping).

    But, the point is, is that Owlie totally works. I have never once been attacked by anything.

    So, basically, I am suggesting you get a sentry. I am literally living proof that owls are good at this, but you are an adult and can probably make your own decisions on what would be best for you and your family.

    As for the floating issue, I suggest a rope or bungee rig. something that basically will tie you to the bed when there are blanket issues. Also, this can be used for sex, so it’s totaly a twofer

    * My owl was a plush toy, not a taxidermed one. I felt that probably needed to be clarified because I have a feeling that your dad would have given you a taxidermed one.

  24. @Amy, I too had a captain’s bed and it had a fairly large space under the bed and behind the desk portion of it that was pretty damn enclosed. I was so scared that something was going to be able to easily find me in my bed and kill me, I could only fall asleep under the bed in my hidey hole. Until one day I also realised I now had claustrophobia and an intense fear of the dark!! Sleeping has never been a fun issue for me 😉

    These days the leading one is that I am going to get so cold in my sleep, but I’m sleeping so I don’t notice and I die without ever knowing. Therefore I sleep with two hot water bottles, two sheets, two comforters and the heat up to at least 70. Maybe I should try the sleep floaty thing. Hot air rises, right?? It could be safer for me up there even with no sheets.

  25. Tonight, I’m going to bed with a chuckle as I judge you all. But first I’ll check for monsters under the bed and, and once I’m in bed, I’ll check the other side, because I know clown ghosts can pop up behind me like in the movie Poltergeist.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Breakfast and Other Calamaties =-.

  26. Reading Artaud’s post reminded me that when I was younger, I had a trundle bed (in my all pink room–and look who I became: a cautionary tale to mothers who insist on making their little girl’s room be pink), and at some point I started pulling out the trundle bed & sleeping in the space underneath the bed (behind the trundle bed) in order to be safe from the monster that lived in my bedroom door (as an adult I went back home many times, and the monster still lives there!).

  27. I feel so much less alone now! I mean, I did when I read your tweet, too, but let’s face it: the more of us there are, the more likely that we are at least reasonably sane to pass for normal. At least in a world where a simple sheet/blanket can stop one from floating into the ceiling fan.
    .-= Anne´s last blog ..2010: The Year I Admit I’m A Boring Adult OMG =-.

  28. In my family the women usually kept firearms under the bed, for the same reasons that most people “need” covers. The men just needed the firearms for “hunting” not for protection from demon whitch ghosts, but they never actually argued with their wives about this unusual (or is it really?) “storage solution.” Of course, the weapons had no ammo with them but I guess just seeing a gun is enough to chase away the scarey unknown entities. Most of these people are dead or have dementia now so no guns for them; perhaps they’ve become the reason I need my sheet on ALL NIGHT, EVERY NIGHT.

  29. I am SO agreeing with the bugs/spiders getting to uncovered pieces parts. Also, I gotta keep the belly and the lady garden covered…the first for aesthetic reasons, the second cuz who wants spiders in their va-jay-jay? jus sayin’

  30. If you go vote for me at my website and “Out of Tune Idol”, you’ll feel more normal. I promise!!! Plus I think I might lose my own competition. HOW is that possible???

  31. We actually have a couple of ghosts in our house. No, really. I am not kidding. People have died in our house and don’t seem in any hurry to move on – which begs the question of why? is heaven not the Disneyland we are taught it is?. Anyway, the one in our bedroom has a foot fetish. Toe grabs. Running fingers along the arch. She also likes to pat the end of the bed with varying amounts of force and hover over our heads sometimes.

    Needless to say, neither of us really like sleeping without a blanket – not that it stops anything – but it just gives the illusion of protection, a layer between us and the otherworld.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..R*E*S*P*E*C*T =-.

  32. I totally have a fear sometimes that if I don’t wear underwear to bed, I’ll shit myself in my sleep and there will be no barrier between my ass and the sheets… wow… that’s really gross now that I think about it.
    .-= Rob´s last blog ..2009-The Movies =-.

  33. So sorry I’m not on twitter to get a piece of THIS action. But no cell service at my house in the sticks, so what would I do? Tweat in my car? Too dangerous. Tweat at work? Too dangerous, but for other reasons.

    Anyway, my fear used to be the hanging over parts would be sliced off by a buzz saw (operated, of course, by the villain who lives under the bed). Menopause night sweats put this one to rest — TOO DAMN HOT under ANY covers!

    Tell Victor to go to the Salvation Army & buy himself some new sweaters!
    .-= Peg Cherre´s last blog ..Wonky Edge Resolved =-.

  34. I’m the SAME. Even if I’m burning up and it’s 85983 degrees, I HAVE to have a blanket. If not, I think I might get attacked by something/someone! Good to know I’m not the only one!

  35. Oh, totally. It’s not really the floating, but I figure that *if* Cylons come clanking out from in my closet, or *if* Inferi come out from under my bed and try to attack me, they either can’t attack me or they won’t see me if I’m under the covers.

    Blankets: problem solved.

    Ohmygod, I just realized something. Whenever I see a weird shadow pass over the spot by my bed, I figure it’s probably just my cat, but it COULD very possibly be a very tiny axe-murderer that I can’t see. Reading this, I realized that he could be an axe murderer Leprechaun.

  36. OMG – Jenny’s a leprechaun! That’s why she is afriad of floating. I’ll send over a box of Lucky Charm stat. You’re welcome Victor.

  37. Blankets would not save you from any of those things… If gravity were lost the blanket would float away with you and then you’d just get tangled into it and be unable to defend yourself against ceiling fans and floating leprechauns.

  38. You are not crazy, you are just cold- in matters of the heart. 😛
    So these people were just trying to attract your attention and get some footage on your blog. How very inspiring.

    I have no fear. Will I be now an abandoned child in your kingdom? 😉
    .-= eternaloptimista´s last blog ..The Excess Baggage =-.

  39. I think I have Bolshephobia. They’re fucking scary people. Do I know one? No. That’s because they’re scary.

  40. Well, this was very interesting. Coal Miner’s Granddaughter – your dad was right… My daughter informed me that the average (?) person will swallow/inhale 8 spiders… yes, that’s eight spiders, during their lifetime while sleeping. Also, the little snot told me that a spider is within 6 feet of me at all given moments. So… I sleep with a piece of fabric duct taped to my face and covering my mouth.

    Sweet dreams!
    .-= Annie´s last blog ..Hair Dye, Smelly Dogs & Tornado Warnings =-.

  41. Blankets will not protect you from astral projection. You can totally float away whether you’re covered or not, naked or clothed. And THEN, something evil can come and take over your empty sleeping body. That’s way scarier than leprechauns and Bolsheviks.

  42. Totally with you on the blanket thing. When I was little all I would allow myself was a tiny air-hole to stick my mouth to breath through. Everything else had to be under the covers. Then I took medication and realized that as long as the blanket is heavy enough that the ghost can’t easily lift up you’re cool.

  43. You are awesome. That was hilarious. I have to sleep with a blanket too – and all closet doors must be shut and there can be no clothes lying on the floor or over doors. You won’t believe this. Or maybe after that you will? I’m afraid that the clothes will come alive in the guise of an evil, person eating scarecrow. It’s been my fear since I saw a movie trailer like ten years ago. Evilscarecrowphobia. Probably not on that list.
    .-= anymommy´s last blog ..Split Personality =-.

  44. Oh man this post made me laugh so hard I cried…at least now I know that my fears are not just my own but that there are others out there with some CrAzY ideas too. 🙂 I sleep with at least a sheet covering my head, even in the summer, for all kinds of reason. Love your idea with the sweaters under the bed…I’m going to go grab my husband’s right now (his sweaters that is, I don’t have multiple husband’S to shove under the bed). ;p (Plus that wouldn’t make anything better now would it…)

  45. I was totally freaked out when watching the Grudge because there is one scene where the Grudge gets the girl in her bed. While she’s under the covers! Everyone knows that’s a SAFE ZONE!

  46. I’m not completely alone! I feel so much better. I’m worried about snakes crawling over me (but wouldn’t they crawl under the covers first?) or someone chopping off anything uncovered.

  47. I’m printing this whole post out to prove to my husband that my needing to sleep with several blankets, all clutched tightly up under my chin (which may or may not ward off middle-of-the-night supernatural occurences) is completely normal. HA.
    .-= jenn´s last blog ..Christmas 2009, The Photos =-.

  48. I have to sleep with a sheet – to protect me from the monsters under the bed. I think they are also in league with the monsters in the toilet that come out when you flush at night if you don’t put the lid down quick enough and run away.
    .-= 12ontheinside´s last blog ..Bad Timing =-.

  49. Yeah, not only do I need the blankets on (and always have, even growing up in Los Angeles in the 95 degree summer nights) for fear of….something grabbing me, though I’ve never been sure what specifically, I also have to close my closet door and the door to my room and close the blinds completely. Except now that I live in New York the blinds thing doesn’t matter because I’m so high off the ground. I can’t explain why that makes a difference, I just know that it does.

  50. It’s my morbid fear of blankets coupled to my extreme codependency on things that can harm me that forces me to keep a blanket on all night.
    At least I’m grounded.

  51. I never even thought about floating away! That’s a kind of cool concept… meaning that doesn’t scare me. Which is weird. I mean, floating away while you’re sleeping could be a really bad thing. What’s to keep you from bumping into spider webs???????

    I DOOOOO sympathize with people fearing the monsters under the bed which is why you should never ever sleep with parts dangling over the edge of the bed. I was relieved to read that a couple of other people fear vampires. I have always had to sleep with some sort of cover allll the way up to my neck. No exposed necks on this body to lure wayward vampires while I sleep!
    .-= QandleQueen´s last blog ..Missing a Fireplace =-.

  52. I have to have a sheet too, normally it just has to be over my torso, but here lately there’s been a very real risk when feet are left uncovered. There is a little demon creeping around my house that, sure, looks cute, being all gray and fuzzy and calling itself Little Bits. (Well it doesn’t actually call itself anything, seeing as it mostly just mews and purrs) but it is actually a little monster cat apparently attracted to wiggling toes, so now my feet must be covered so A. I don’t get bitten for realsy and B. the little demon creature doesn’t get kicked off the bed and into the wall again. Not that I’ve ever accidentally kicked it into a wall before. He just jumped really hard after attacking. Yeah, that’s it.

  53. I have sort of the opposite problem: sometimes, even when it’s really cold, I have to throw my blanket off and sleep without one because I’m afraid that there are lobsters trapped under there that I can’t see and will start crawling on my body.

    I also frequently used to wake up in a sweat, shake my boyfriend awake and make him promise not to turn into an octopus in the middle of the night.

    …I really wish I were joking about these things.
    .-= That Kind of Girl´s last blog ..TKOG Who grabs fate by the motorcycle jacket =-.

  54. Ok, so I used to think my teenager was wierd, demanding blankets in the summer, which resulted in air conditioner wars. Now, not so much. Thanks for posting this.

  55. Wow, I’m glad someone else has the alligators under the bed thing. That was always my big fear with dangling my feet or hands off the bed. Don’t know where it came from since I have always lived in the Northeast. Captain Hook maybe?

  56. Though a serious answer: people need different levels of sensory input – I, personally, need a lot while some people are uber sensitive to it. I would probably be completely happy to wear a weighted vest because I like so much deep input. That input helps me focus, it decreases my anxiety, increases my mood – basically, it is exactly like good drugs. I need it at night as well as during the day, but at night it is much more reasonable to bury myself in blankets and get that weight. It makes me feel safe – and if I don’t feel safe, I don’t sleep.

  57. Wow, i thought i was the only freak who thought of this crap. A few weeks ago we saw “Paranormal Activity” and i have been WAAAAAY more creeped out since seeing that frickin movie…except, that demon thing totally crawled UNDER the sheets with her, so, sheets are NOT going to save your ass. I still have to keep something around my neck so nothing stabs me in the jugular while i’m asleep though…
    .-= Levon´s last blog ..My kids are wierd =-.

  58. People, please! A fabric blanket will not stop a serial killer or a vampire or a knife wielding witch. You need a lead lined steel blanket for that level of protection. As an added bonus it also keeps superman from seeing the color of your panties.
    .-= Amy (aka TheMom)´s last blog ..365 =-.

  59. So, there are people who AREN’T afraid to sleep without blankets? Hmm. Who knew.

  60. Any bedding manufacturers in the bunch? IF you’re smart, you’ll take this maddness and create a series of comedic video spots complete with leprachauns, toe-eating alligators, falling spiders and the like, start a “blanky-clutching” adults group on Facebook, create a web community for weird adults (like all of you lovely commenters) who are still afraid of monsters under the bed, and cleverly reveal to all of us under-cover scaredy-cats that your man-sized blankys are packed full of magic that would repel the ghoulish of goblins. Your average blanket has just become a magical bed cape – impenetrable by the foulest of beast… just remember to throw in the bit about the amazing thread count. We are all adults here 😉

  61. Thanks a lot! I didn’t have ANY night-time phobias before! NOW!? I’ll never get to sleep!

  62. Haha, I put you all to shame. I have to check behind my bookcase, my shower curtain, my door and under my bed because when I was little I was convinced that batman was stalking me. Yeah, I’m that cool

  63. What you need is a “Far Side” Monster Snorkel, allowing you to breathe while safely hidden beneath the covers.

  64. I’m scared that my boyfriend will shapeshift into Hugh Jackman and I’ll totally be screaming the wrong name during sleep-sex! (Sex that you “agree” to when your half dead…) smh

  65. seriously – bananas and barley? who has time to be afraid of those with all these other scary things around? weenies… i’m gonna go hide under my blanket now (because, as all of us blanket people know, the trick to the blanket is not the fabric, it’s the web of goodness and light infused in the blanket that makes it impenetrable to all sorts of nefarious, if imaginary, evil-doers)!
    .-= Jean´s last blog ..Life in the Hundred Acre Wood =-.

  66. I am afraid of ghosts. My scientific way of solving it is to shut my eyes and cover my head with the blanket. If I cannot see them, they cannot see me.

  67. That’s why I sleep on a futon mattress on the ground – nothing can hide under a futon mattress, and if something tried to hide under there, I could probably detect it easily. It’s also because I can’t afford a real mattress, but it helps me cope with my life to pretend that I only sleep on a futon mattress because of my weird orc-phobia. Which doesn’t really sound much better, now that I think about it.

  68. I can’t have any appendage hanging over the bed or else the weiner dog with razors for teeth that wears a Sherlock Holmes hat and appears whenever the Pink Panther theme is played will eat them off. Seriously. Forget about leprechauns. This creature EATS leprechauns. Unless they’re on top of the bed of course, laying on top of you to keep you from floating away.
    .-= Lynn @ human, being´s last blog ..The Last Decade: 2004, part one =-.

  69. I just get this creepy-crawliness all over without the blanket. Maybe I do need to be weighed down when I sleep, because once it’s cold enough I pile all the blankets I own on my bed and burrow under them. The heavier the better.

  70. I have always had to sleep with at least a sheet on. Before, there wasn’t a reason other than I physically can’t fall asleep without having something cover me. And it doesn’t even have to be all of me. As long as my butt is covered (I sleep on my tummy), than I am fine.

    Now, I am going to be up all night worrying about the witches and ghosts and vampires. (thankfully, my mattress and box spring are directly on the floor, so I don’t have to worry about what’s under the bed.)

    I do, however, have to have the closet doors open. If they are closed, I get scared that something (someone?) is hiding in there waiting for me to go to sleep so that they can touch my feet.

  71. I was feeling much more normal reading everyone else’s phobias, until I realized mine was not on the list and if none of your friends share my phobia then I am probably SOL and just fucking weird. I have to sleep with a blanket on because otherwise the sharks will get me. Same terror I have in swimming pools. Can’t go in the deep end (when swimming laps, can’t even let toes go under the barrier to the deep end) because the sharks will get me.
    Closest was the guy who was afraid of alligators. But at least they can breathe air. I’m crazy, aren’t I?
    .-= Laura´s last blog ..mightbelying: Totally worth delaying dinner until 11:30 to have delicious, delicious homemade stew. Staying awake to wash dishes … not so much. =-.

  72. Does it matter if mine is less a fear than a hallucination? If I don’t have a blanket on my shoulders, after about 15 minutes, it feels like spiders are crawling all over them.

  73. I was so going to @ reply to that but was afraid I would be called out for my strange and completely irrational fear that the man eating lion from “Ghost and the Darkness” with Val Kilmer was going to eat me like it did the guy in the movie (really, pay attention, it only grabs the guy who’s foot is NOT covered by the blanket) and now I see that I’m actually not the crazy person who is seriously unsure I spelled my name right just now but then again all these phobias I have might have something to do with the simple fact the only television I was allowed to watch at night when I was a kid were the horror movies my dad watched and the slasher flicks my brother watched and the soap operas my mom watched so I grew up thinking that my wife was always going to cheat on me with the hotter, richer guy, and we would separate and I’d fall in love with another woman but because we weren’t actually divorced yet Jason would kill me for being a completely immoral person because I was committing adultery but only if Freddy didn’t get me first for not believing in Jesus because Jesus told us to eat ham to remember his death even though G-d told us NOT to eat ham at all ever never and I haven’t slept in three days because having just found your blog I tried to read as much of it as I could and now I can’t understand why Jesus isn’t a zombie and I’m afraid to close my eyes because I keep thinking he’ll come eat me so I think I was much better off with being afraid of the stupid lion because then I would be saved by Val Kilmer who is inexplicably hot but I don’t know if I’d do him because he slept with Cher.

  74. I sleep well. Not that I have one reason to, I just sleep through the night. I’ve slept through an earthquake, tornadoes… in fact, you could totally kill me with a slow moving train. I could also float to England and never wake up. I dream about alligators. That has nothing to do with anything, just thought I’d tell you.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..There. I said it. Someone had to do it. =-.

  75. I wanted to @reply to this, but my blanket issue is much longer than 140 characters… so here goes:
    I sleep with a blanket on me at all times, and I also *have* to sleep facing the wall. Do you remember the Urban Legend about the guy with the hook hand and the babysitter kept hearing scratching noises and it turned out that hook handed guy was making mush of all the kids’ faces? After careful thought, I determined that the best plan of action against hook handed guy is to always have a blanket over me and always face the wall, that way, he’ll either mistake me for a lump in the blanket or decide against making mush of my face because he’d have to reach across my husband (and yes, I know that by making him sleep on the outside, I AM offering him up as a sacrificial lamb to the hook handed guy), over and around my face to scratch it off. Now, this theory relies on one of two factors: Either hook handed guy is really lazy and will just shrug and leave me alone, OR he’s really uncoordinated and reaching over and across me is just too much trouble for him.
    Now that I’ve typed all of this out, I’m almost afraid to hit submit in case hook hands reads your blog. I don’t want to give away my game plan!
    .-= Erin´s last blog ..Global Domination =-.

  76. You need a blanket so THEY can’t get you. Who are “they”? I DON’T KNOW, and that’s why it’s best if you stay covered up. A sheet won’t work, though, too flimsy. Has to have some heft to it.

  77. I always think that that creep from The Grudge will crawl under my blanket and kill me. I hated that movie.

  78. would you look up in that little phobia dictionary of yours and tell me what a fear of wearing-socks-to-bed-on-account-of-they-weight-your-feet-down-so-you-won’t-be-able-to-get-away-from-the-leprechaun-axe-murderer-even-if-they-do-keep-you-and-the-blanket-that-you-pretty-much-clutch-when-thinking-about-l.a.m.’s-at-bedtime-from-floating-to-the-ceiling-or-wherever is called? it might have its own page.
    .-= whollyjeanne´s last blog ..who’d’a thunk it =-.

  79. Oh Jesus Christ people who own cats have to worry about having appendages bitten off? WHAT? That is hardcore scary. People with dogs just have to worry about sleeping dog farts.

    I don’t actually have a fear of anything if I don’t have a blanket on, but I find that I move around way too much in my sleep. I think my sleep paralysis gland (errr, aka, my brain) doesn’t work if more than 50% of my body is uncovered at any point in time. Maybe all the sleep paralysis chemicals need to be trapped under a blanket to work.

    Sometimes I let my limbs hang off of the bed, though, and since our bed/boxsprings set directly on the floor (boyfriend is terrified of things under the bed, so we have to do the no bed frame thing), my hand frequently ends up in a garbage can. Even better is that I pull things out of the garbage can and put them in the bed with me. Its always like candy wrappers and used tissues and old, empty bottles of water or benadryl. Just wakes up in a fucking pile of refuse.
    .-= Rook´s last blog ..Busy, but not so busy that I can’t make a flowchart. =-.

  80. You really need to petition the head honcho guys who make up this english language crap. You know those old guys who sit around and tell us what words are really words. Damn old men. But seriously, barophobia? What asshat decided on using that? It sounds like you have a fear of bars, which my friend, is just ridiculous. Far more ridiculous than the fear of gravity. So who do we petition to have this changed? It sounds like they are being racist against us drunks…trying to turn the gravity fearers into bar fearers. And that is a damn shame.

    Ok, either your on board with me….or you just realized I just may be a drunk. Either way, I am fine with that. Because both ways I am drunk.

  81. A librarian told me when I was in 7th grade that she had always had a phobia that if her apendages were hanging off the bed that something under the bed would bite them off. A couple of weeks later, my cat touched me with his nose whilst sleeping, now I have the biggest fuking phobia of being touched by cold wetness while I am sleeping. To make things worse, I now hate librarians.

  82. @ Erin. Good to know I’m not the only one who sacrifices my bedpartners to whatever-it-is-that’s-going-to-get-them-in-the-night. Yes, “my” spot in the bed when sleeping with someone is the one furthest away from the door. If the door is near the foot of the bed, or the inside spot is “their” spot, then I can’t sleep.

  83. I can’t believe others share my vampire fear…we should start a club. And does anyone else have to run and jump onto the bed so nothing can grab your ankles?? I’m getting to old for the running and jumping…some day they’re gonna get me.

    .-= Spot´s last blog ..‘Tis the season…for automotive woes? =-.

  84. wow…I just have to have blankets on because I’m cold natured. I always thought I was normal. But apparently I’m like the only one NOT worried about things-that-go-bump-in-the-night…..does that make me the abnormal one???
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..Al goes to Washington =-.

  85. Put me in the weird category because if I don’t sleep with a blanket around my head, June bugs will crawl in my ears and turn me into a zombie. Thank you childhood babysitter for your USA Up All Night movie fascination. I’ve been terrorized for 25 years now….
    .-= Tara´s last blog ..Hello, Is This The Jerry Springer Show? =-.

  86. Bloggess, I have a dilemma that I need an answer to RIGHT AWAY! So is there any rhyme or reason to the order to which you post new threads to your 3 “columns”? I just need to know so that when I for example have read the latest “bloggess” post, I know that I can save myself from disappointment & not come back the very next day only to see that there’s not a new post, but that instead I can go to “askthebloggess” the next day, and then to the sex column.

    This way I can ration out my bloggess fix instead of reading them all in one day & then being sad for however long it takes for a new one to come out.

    Help me, please!

  87. There’s not a hard-and-fast rule because it kind of depends on what inspires me and how drunk I am but if you plotted it out you’d probably see this pattern:
    Monday: Good Mom/Bad Mom
    Tuesday: The Bloggess
    Wednesday: Ask the Bloggess & Good Mom/Bad Mom
    Thursday: SexIs
    Friday: The Bloggess & Ask the Bloggess
    Sunday: Bloggess recap
    Plus lots of twittering. It’s a little insane.

  88. Yeah, I can’t sleep uncovered either…I have a vague fear about someone sneaking in a touching my exposed parts and/or killing me subsequently.
    .-= Kyla´s last blog ..I took a nap. =-.

  89. ZOMG. This list is complete validation that monsters will, in fact, eat my hands if I don’t cover my hands with blankets.

    I. knew it.

  90. My ceiling fan actually fell on my head in December. Yeah, awesome. I always thought it was an irrational fear, but it turns out it was TOTALLY RATIONAL!

  91. I cannot wear socks to bed or else my feet will suffocate. The feet need to breathe, and that makes a blanket necessary so my feet breath will warm them up under the covers.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..GIGGITY!!!! =-.

  92. I am afraid of Leprechauns…How many people do you think you’d need to be afraid of leprechauns for it to be a legit Phobia.. I don’t even buy lucky charms because of the little Leprechaun on the front…he may be a cartoon but he has a nasty gleam in his eye almost kind of like Chuckie but not really.

  93. Blankets don’t matter. I mean, I can’t fall asleep without one, but that’s because I’m always FREEZING, not because I need it for protection purposes.

    What does matter is position. The key to avoiding attackers of any kind is to sleep facing the door. They won’t get you if you face the door, but if your back is to the door they can sneak up on you. I’m not sure how this works for leprechauns/axe murderers/demons that may already be hiding under the bed/in the closet, but it’s worked for me for 24 years, so I figure it’s a sure thing.

  94. Who the fuck is still afraid of Bolsheviks? Sorry…your loss of gravity doesn’t have anything on those nutjobs. Yikes.

  95. the profile pic of the twitterer called “snowhite” is a total duckface. i don’t usually leave comments but i feel it is a public service to inform about the duckface. it has got to stop. if you don’t know what duckface is please visit please. friends don’t let friends make duckface (no matter how funny it looks).

  96. So when I was little, my mom and dad gave me the “sex talk”. Only they never really told me anything beyond a very scientific and technical explanation of how the sperm’s joining with the egg usually results in a baby. They never bothered to tell me “penis goes into vagina”, and I had only ever heard of people getting pregnant after they “slept together”, so for the longest time I had the idea that men released some kind of hideous, invisible air-semen when they slept. I was terrified to sleep in the same room as my dad, because of the incest. I had to sleep in the same room with my whole family once on a road trip, and I held my breath until I passed out. Eventually I found out how sex works from Wikipedia. True story. I am such a nerd. To this day, I have nightmares about horrible waves of mutant-incest-baby-making invisisperm…

  97. I’m always afraid that one of my boobs will escape while I’m sleeping, and without a blanket anyone could see it. You know, because you never know who might wonder into your bedroom while you’re sleeping and you would never know it. They could put pictures on the Internet and blackmail you into marrying their inbred brother with one front tooth and a healthy libido. THAT’S why you need a blanket!

  98. I have to say, I have to sleep with a heavy blanket on me. Even in August. And I live in Texas.
    This has been going on since around six years of age.
    And it is so I don’t get stabbed.

    Weird? Yes. True? Yes. I just thank GOD for Zoloft and red wine. If it wasn’t for those two things I might be walking around all day with a heavy blanket wrapped around me.

  99. Man, i Lo fuckin L’d at the woman who said she was afraid to leave appendages hanging off the side of the bed, for fear of them being bitten off, and that it may derive from having cats. As a satanic cat owner myself, I understand that statement/fear. On the other hand, i personally WATCH way too many ghost documentaries to say that your fear isn’t really irrational. It happened to Regan on the exorcist.

    Who know’s..
    .-= Crystal´s last blog ..Apparent Ghost girl photo taken… =-.

  100. Except for the helpless dolphin dreams, sleeping under a fish net has always worked for me…

  101. So… i was just laying in bed reading all of the tweets about crazy phobias without a blanket covering me with a grin on my face because *I* was able to do it, but then my cat that was laying on my bed decided to start licking himself making my blanket move which caused things to move in the crack between my bed and the wall and i started panicking that either there was spiders crawling to get me, or that a crazy leprechaun was coming to chop me in the face with an ax. I am now curled up in my blanket with only my hands poking out on my neck with my laptop sitting on top of me scared to move anything else. Life’s unfair.

  102. Belated, but here it is: I need to cover my feet (because someone will stick a scalpel in the soft, smooshy arch), my hands (similar) my neck (someone will snap the tendon) and close my eyes (so Bloody Mary doesn’t see me). I know who Bloody Mary is, sure, but this “someone” that was to stab me with scalpels and snap my neck tendons really needs a stern talking to.

  103. Important distinction, as someone who suffers from this disorder I’d just like say that “barophobia” is actually the fear of gravity and not the fear of *losing* gravity. Not sure what the fear of losing gravity would be.

  104. Oh my gosh, then you’d be Sabrina the Teenage Witch!!! How would that not be great? She could make stuff happen with her fingers! If you wanted an oreo milkshake – fucking make it with your magical powers! Give it a try, and if you start levitating, just randomly point your fingers at shit and see if anything happens. If that doesn’t work, try other body movements – wiggling your nose, or snapping your fingers, farting at stuff….leave no stone unturned.

  105. I need a blanket. But not because I’m afraid the monster’s will get me. No. It’s the Japanese children I’m worried about. I tuck the blanket under my feet and all the way up to my ears and have to keep my hands under it. But you know what? I still can’t sleep. Because the little Japanese girl is sitting right behind my pillow and staring at me, which is completely irrational, because you know what’s behind my pillow? The wall. Doesn’t make a difference, though. I am sorry, Japan, but your kids scare the crap out of me. Also, I should have never ever ever EVER watched The Grudge.

  106. What kind of person is afraid of barley & wtf is a Bolshevek & how can you have a phobia of one if you don’t know what it is? Maybe I’m afraid of it & I just don’t know it.

  107. Oh the things I miss by not being on Twitter… and coming late the the party.

    When I was about 5 or 6 there was a TV show called ‘The Henderson Kids’ and in one episode a woman was killing people with a hat pin into their necks. Even though I watched it to the end and she was caught, I slept with the covers cinched tightly around my neck that night.

    And every night since.

    For the next 25 years.

    As for monsters under the bed, well I have boxes and books under there, which surprisingly offers little comfort.
    It’s the aliens that might visit that give me the heebie jeebies in the wee hours.

    I am a *delight* to sleep with!

  108. I’m terrified of my limbs sticking out over the edge of my bed because I fear that something will be able to attack me. There’s a long story behind that, but there really isn’t a story behind the fact that I can’t have my feet stick out of the covers because I’m afraid goblins will eat my toes when I’m sleeping. In fact, I was actually looking up if there was such a phobia, when a link to this blog popped up. I was like, “This can’t be Jenny Lawson can it?” I clicked on the link and it was! But I still have not found an answer to my question.

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