I’m not really full of mosquitoes – Page 2

On a positive note, they’ll probably never ask to borrow our axe.

Actual conversation I had with my elderly neighbors the 6th time in a row that they’ve unexpectedly dropped by to meet Victor and I’ve had to tell them that he’s out of town again: me: I swear to God he really exists. Them: Oh, we believe you. me: You probably think I’ve chopped him upContinue reading “On a positive note, they’ll probably never ask to borrow our axe.”

UPDATED: My new year’s resolution is to get you to stop asking me about my new year’s resolutions.

People keep asking me what my New Year’s resolutions are and I tell them that I don’t have any and then they get all pissy because they assume that I think I don’t need to change but it’s really just that I’m too bored with myself to invest any more time thinking about me, andContinue reading “UPDATED: My new year’s resolution is to get you to stop asking me about my new year’s resolutions.”

Who the fuck has never heard of a chalupa? (Updated. Now with more apologies.)

I wrote this post weeks ago but then I got distracted and never published it and now I can’t remember the ending but I’m super-hurty from an arthritis flair-up so I’m posting it like it really all happened yesterday. I am the worst blogger ever. So yesterday I spent the day with Maile, Rachel, LauraContinue reading “Who the fuck has never heard of a chalupa? (Updated. Now with more apologies.)”

The Walking Dead is a terrible documentary. (Disclaimer: if you’re British, replace “suspenders” with “braces”. Otherwise this will make even less sense than usual.)

Conversation with Victor after watching the last episode of The Walking Dead: Victor: Meh. Needs more zombies. me: Right? Plus, it’s entirely unrealistic because all of their zombies are still wearing pants. In real life there’d be zombie junk everywhere. Victor: Um…what? me: Think about how many times a day you have to pull outContinue reading “The Walking Dead is a terrible documentary. (Disclaimer: if you’re British, replace “suspenders” with “braces”. Otherwise this will make even less sense than usual.)”

Spoiler alert: There aren’t any happy books about the holocaust

Conversation with Victor at the resale bookstore: Victor: You are not allowed to buy that book. me: The fuck I’m not. Victor: You’re depressed enough as it is. Go pick out something happy. me: It’s a comic book, for God’s sake. Victor: It’s a comic book about the holocaust. me: Yes, but all the charactersContinue reading “Spoiler alert: There aren’t any happy books about the holocaust”

Nobody cares about your dreams

One of my friends told me that dead people can visit you in your dreams but whenever I have dreams where all the dead people I know are in one room with me I’m always like “Shit. How much did I have to drink last night? Am I choking on my vomit right now?” andContinue reading “Nobody cares about your dreams”