NOT dismembered baby feet – Page 2

I’m like the Thomas Edison of inventions that use dead cats

I was just telling my friend (Kregg) that they should sell clarifying toilet paper. Because (just like how once a year you’re supposed to use a clarifying shampoo to strip all the excess conditioner and shit out of your hair) there should be some kind of gritty toilet paper you use once a year to strip all your junk of all the lotionsContinue reading “I’m like the Thomas Edison of inventions that use dead cats”

Disney World is a lie (now less offensive)

Note: This post isn’t going to make a lot of sense because I wrote it and it was more than usually inappropriate so at the bottom I said (for this post only) I would delete it if anyone asked me to and someone did so the redacted parts contain stuff that I swear to God is probably notContinue reading “Disney World is a lie (now less offensive)”

I’m not even sure why we have katanas anymore

So the other day I was wearing the only clean thing in my house, which was a beach sarong that’s basically two giant scarves tied around my neck, and it’s super-comfy but at the slightest breeze it flies open to reveal my nipples to the world. This is called foreshadowing. So I ran some errands and when I parked in front of my house IContinue reading “I’m not even sure why we *have* katanas anymore”

An open letter to Apple regarding dead hobo fingers

Dear Apple: My iPhone is very pretty but also totally useless because it thinks I’m dead. I assume it was designed to only recognize live human touch on the touchscreen but I guess my hands are too cold and so my phone rings and I desperately try to answer it but 80% of the time it won’t work at all and I start screaming atContinue reading “An open letter to Apple regarding dead hobo fingers”

So now I don’t have any blood or pot.

Last week I sent a fan letter to Steve from The Sneeze because his brilliant corn smut post is what got me hooked on blogging in the first place. I told him that if he didn’t want to be my friend I would become his nemesis and I warned him that “I can kick like a mofo. And by ‘mofo’ I mean ‘small hamster’. A furious, furious hamster.” And thenContinue reading “So now I don’t have any blood *or* pot.”

Hurrication: All I never wanted (updated again)

Hi. I’m alive. I know, half of you are all “THANK GOD! I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED!” and the other half are all “Big whoop, so am I” and the other half are like “this girl can’t do math” but I’ve been in San Antonio playing the part of a hurricane refugee, which basically means I drinkContinue reading “Hurrication: All I never wanted (updated again)”