I’m like the Thomas Edison of inventions that use dead cats

I was just telling my friend (Kregg) that they should sell clarifying toilet paper. Because (just like how once a year you’re supposed to use a clarifying shampoo to strip all the excess conditioner and shit out of your hair) there should be some kind of gritty toilet paper you use once a year to strip all your junk of all the lotionsContinue reading “I’m like the Thomas Edison of inventions that use dead cats”

I’m not even sure why we *have* katanas anymore

So the other day I was wearing the only clean thing in my house, which was a beach sarong that’s basically two giant scarves tied around my neck, and it’s super-comfy but at the slightest breeze it flies open to reveal my nipples to the world.  This is called foreshadowing. So I ran some errands and when I parked in front of my house IContinue reading “I’m not even sure why we *have* katanas anymore”

An open letter to Apple regarding dead hobo fingers

Dear Apple: My iPhone is very pretty but also totally useless because it thinks I’m dead.  I assume it was designed to only recognize live human touch on the touchscreen but I guess my hands are too cold and so my phone rings and I desperately try to answer it but 80% of the time it won’t work at all and I start screaming atContinue reading “An open letter to Apple regarding dead hobo fingers”

So now I don’t have any blood *or* pot.

Last week I sent a fan letter to Steve from The Sneeze because his brilliant corn smut post is what got me hooked on blogging in the first place.  I told him that if he didn’t want to be my friend I would become his nemesis and I warned him that “I can kick like a mofo.  And by ‘mofo’ I mean ‘small hamster’.  A furious, furious hamster.”  And thenContinue reading “So now I don’t have any blood *or* pot.”

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