I’m like the Thomas Edison of inventions that use dead cats

I was just telling my friend (Kregg) that they should sell clarifying toilet paper. Because (just like how once a year you’re supposed to use a clarifying shampoo to strip all the excess conditioner and shit out of your hair) there should be some kind of gritty toilet paper you use once a year to strip all your junk of all the lotions and chemicals in toilet paper and then Kregg was all “Yeah, I don’t think I’d use anything that would ‘strip my junk’ but maybe that’s something that would be appealing for you girls since you have to use toilet paper so much. I mean, I can’t even fathom how much you girls have to wipe because we men only have to wipe when we poop” and he said it in this condescending way like he was totally better than me just because he didn’t have to wipe as much and I was all “”Well just imagine what bears must think of you” and he was all “Um…what?” and I explained that it’s just a matter of perspective because if bears could talk they’d be all “Really?  You wipe your butt every time you poop?! That’s fucked up.” And Kregg was all “Yeah…that is fucked up” but I’m not sure he was talking about the bears.

I also came up with another idea to re-purpose used breast-pumps to suck dead kittens inside out because then…TA DA!…fur-lined mittens for homeless people.  I told Kregg about it and he was all “That’s…weird” and I’m all “It’s weird that no one’s ever thought of it before.  Because no one wants dead kittens or used breast-pumps so this way we’d be keeping them both out of the landfills and helping the homeless.  It’s practically carbon zero!”  Then Kregg mentioned something about PETA and firebombs and I was all “I’d only use kittens that were already dead from non-communicable diseases, Kregg.  I wouldn’t just go around haphazardly turning live kittens inside out.  I’m not a monster, for God’s sake” and frankly I’m a little insulted I even had to clarify that.  I’m doing this to help the homeless.  Not for my own personal kitten-mitten collection.  We live in Texas, y’all.  I don’t even need mittens.

Comment of the day: I wouldn’t exactly call you the Thomas Edison because he invented lots of shit and you really only came up with one use for a dead cat. You’re more like a George Edward Alcorn of dead cats. ~ ShallowGal

112 thoughts on “I’m like the Thomas Edison of inventions that use dead cats

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  1. hehe. I wonder what the folks at Boca burger would think if they knew their ad was next to this post. “Gee, maybe we should start selling meat patties. I bet she doesn’t have any use for the kitten insides. So young and tender.” But then you might have to massage the kittens like they do with Kobe beef to get them extra tender, and then they’d die, and it would be even more sad, and you’d cry and get their fur wet, and then so much for quality kitten mittens for the homeless.

  2. Did you read my idea about clipping off dog ears to make blankets? Because they are THE softest thing ever. And the dogs can still live…they just look all alien-like running around without ears.

    I like the way your mind works, Jenny.

    Rhea’s last blog post..I’m not really talking about Doors

  3. Dead kitten-mittens would rock! I mean, we just moved to Massachusetts, which I still can’t spell right, and it’s frickin’ cold up here! Kitten-mittens would be so warm and snuggly! And then we could use the used breast pumps to make dead-puppy slippers to keep our feet warm too! Only I need something with some grip to keep from slipping on the ice. Maybe I could attach dead hedgehogs to the bottom of my dead puppies to act like cleats in the ice and snow. It’s just like recycling, which I think PETA would be happy with. Don’t listen to Kregg, cause like really, what the heck kinda name is that anyways. He’s obviously stunted due to not clarifying his junk.

  4. I totally agree about the clarifying TP. You could just call it “Strip My Junk” and I guarantee dudes would buy it.. especially the dudes that go commando. Jeans saver. Cool.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Sunday Scenery

  5. But what to do with all the hair from clarifying your junk? And the Brazilian waxes? That stuff just goes in the landfill.

  6. -OR- you could bathe.

    I’m down with Kitten Mittens, however. They pretty much sell themselves – you’ve already got a catchy name!

  7. It should not surprise you that I read your posts out loud to my husband and he always gets the strangest looks on his face. Not sure if it’s from what you’ve written or the fact that I laugh hysterically nearly every single time. Either way, he’s sure that if you and I ever hang out and wine is involved, dead kittens of the world would not be so useless anymore.

    fruitlady’s last blog post..Love is in the air.

  8. This reminds me of a conversation some friends and I once had…. What would be the most horrible thing a person could do but possibly not be punishable?
    Our conclusion: Create an addictive substance thats made of fermented dead kittens and puppies… the caveat? This substance cures cancer.
    So, its horrible because its addictive and made from dead kittens and puppies BUT its also beneficial to society in that it cures cancer.

    Vanessa’s last blog post..Something Entertaining

  9. I wouldn’t exactly call you the Thomas Edison because he invented lots of shit and you really only came up with one use for a dead cat. You’re more like a George Edward Alcorn of dead cats.

  10. p.s. a note of warning.

    It has come to my attention, or rather, I now recall, that everything is bigger and better in Texas. Please be aware that a forty foot jet of hot water is not recommended when utilizing the services of a bidet.

    Maddy’s last blog post..All men are beasts

  11. I’d like that clarifying toilet paper. Maybe it would make me look like a porn-star!?

    Or are we clarifying that area to ensure people know what goes where?! And when I say ‘people’, I mean my hubby. The whole “oops” issue could be avoided if things were clarified better down below!

    Debbi’s last blog post..Six Word Saturday

  12. Ok, I’m all for the dead kitten gloves…just as long as we clean them a bit first. I would hate to have rotting kitten carcass on my steering wheel. And while we’re on the subject – do kittens ever wipe after they poop?

    kerrie’s last blog post..A Post My Folks Are Sure To Love

  13. This comment has nothing to do with the post, but I thought you should know I spent an entire day at work reading all of your posts, and if you weren’t married and I weren’t gay, I would totally come to Texas and marry you! I’ll just settle for being your friend.

    p.s. I voted for you.

    p.p.s. If you don’t want to be my friend I may have to kill you.

    p.p.p.s. I promise I won’t kill you. Maybe.

    p.p.p.p.s. I swear I’m not crazy. Ok, just a little.

    But seriously, your blog definitely makes work bearable. Thank you.

  14. If there was any kitten… uh, flesh… left on the outside of the mittens then the homeless people could stand in front of their garbage can fires and just sort of slowly roast that kitten… meat (yeah, meat sounds better) and, voila, FOOD! Food for the homeless!!! You are gonna get a Nobel Peace Prize for this.

    Lisa’s last blog post..Poor pitiful me!

  15. I love you people. And the blogher ads are still up because I’m just as lazy as I suspected. I’m totally open to any nude shark hunting charter advertisers or dog ear blanket investers. At this point I’m kind of pinning it all on the kitten mittens which should support me fully once I find out where all the rich, cold hobos hang out.

  16. SO just to be sure I’m picturing it correctly…your fingers would go into the legs and the tail? Because the legs would work and also have useful claws but the tail of a kitten would make a really skinny glove finger, you might have to cut all the hobos middle fingers off for this to work, but that would be cool because you could sell them to people who need help with their i phones so really it’s now like a triple win situation.

    EdenSky’s last blog post..Style by Kindergarten

  17. But *I* need mittens!
    I totally know what I’m doing next year when I’m done with my pump. When my store selling breast pump-made pussy muffs gets big, I’ll totally cut you in.

    kittenpie’s last blog post..Frozen Friday

  18. EdenSky: I think the head would be the middle finger part. The tail could be used to tie them together so you can keep them together when they’re not being used.

  19. “They’s just kits, y’all!”

    Seriously, where I work, we have a bulletin board on our e-mail system where people sell all kinds of shit. On more than one occasion, I have seen people selling used breast pumps, and I have asked myself, “Who the fuck buys used breast pumps???” Just the thought of it makes me a little ookie.

  20. Wow, Jenny, you’re amazingly brilliant! Why don’t I think of these things?! Well, your fortune is assured, anyway. By the time your daughter graduates from high school, you’ll be able to give her the keys to a shiny new Australia.

    Tom the (sometimes) Pirate, the Rambles.NET guy

  21. So, if dead kittens are fair game for the homeless, could we do circus camel lashes for the homesteaded? Because, I’m thinking live camels really only need ALL those 6,000 layers of lashes when they’re in the desert sand. It’s not like they use them for balancing little balls made out of coarse toilet paper or kittens or anything at the circus? You rock my world. You know that?

    nin’s last blog post..7 things about me, 7 People I want you to meet

  22. Brilliant idea babe.

    Not only that, but the homeless get to have something to nomm on. They could totally cook the outside of the mittens on those open fires they seem to enjoy in the movies. Just before the Skinheads kill them or the Vampires nom on their necks.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Smigglicious

  23. To utilize as much as possible, several of the dead kittens’ tongues could be sewn together to make the clarifying cloths. They could be called Pussy Wipes.

    mrtl’s last blog post..Waiting…

  24. Delurking to say that you are my new best friend. I realize you don’t know me, but that’s just a small hiccup. Now I have to go find some of that clarifying paper because I think I just had an accident from laughing so hard.

  25. So I was watching TV the other day and a commercial for Progressive Insurance came on. Every time I see one of their commercials I laugh my ass off, because the main chick, Flo, is exactly how I imagine you in real life. The current one for “resolution season” where she makes up her own song with the little horn makes me laugh especially hard.

    Another one of my favorites: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXHjE9ViALU

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Grey’s Anatomy S5ep11

  26. Dude. The other day when the commercial came on when she was making up her own horn music I told Victor that I would totally be her best friend. He was all “That made-up lady in the insurance commercial? Good luck with that.”

  27. The kitten mittens may keep their hands warm. But I’m pretty sure it would be hard for them to grab stuff with kitten guts on the outsides of their mittens. Too slippery. And smoking would be downright disgusting. (Well, it’s already pretty disgusting, but it would be even worse with the addition of kitten guts.)

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..The incredibly mediocre pretender

  28. So I read your post to my hubby, and he got the strangest disbelieving expression on his face. Which to me seemed quite odd, since *he’s* the one that wants shoes made of cat bellies. Fur-lined AND way squooshier than any gel inserts. It’s where Dr Scholls meets Doctors Foster and Smith.

    HellTygr’s last blog post..Disillusionment

  29. Would you find it offensive if I said I think I’d like to see a brain scan of you….there simply has to be something going on up there that I missed out on because every time I come here to your blog I leave laughing my freakin’ ass off…what in the world…where do you get this stuff, the only person I know that’s funnier is Whoopi Golberg…geez you are killing me

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..More of The Problem with Women… is Men

  30. I can’t believe that you haven’t put the TP idea together with the dead kittens. Have you every had a cat lick your hand? Sandpaper tongue… Pull out the tongues before you flip them and sew them all together.. there’s your clarifying TP. Duh!

    I love the mitten idea though. My kitty is very soft and I have to make myself not squish her from being so cuddly . (The feline variety… not my personal “kitty.”) (Not that mine is bad mind you, just not as soft as the meowy one)

  31. Just think about the possibilities of genetic engineering that could be applied to kitten mittens, I’ll bet sabertooth tiger kittens would make GREAT hoodies! I guess that’s for future generations of homeless people though.

  32. a minidollop of bleach in my bathwater helps strip my junk when it needs it. with as much roughage as bears eat they probably dont have to wipe their butts. probably just slides out clean, dontcha think? i still say:

    “Kitten: the other white meat.”

  33. I started all “haha that’s funny,” then it got a little awkward in the middle like “heh yeah..?” and now I’m more concerned.

    Good luck with all that…. ??

  34. This is where you’re wrong. We DO need mittens in Texas. Just not in the winter time. We use them in summer to keep from burning our hands when we open our car doors after they’ve been broiling in a hot parking lot for hours. Potholders work, too.

    apathy lounge’s last blog post..Coffee Is Not The Boss Of Me

  35. I’m going to have to disagree on this being a brilliant idea for the homeless. I mean they are already down on their luck, you don’t want them crying every time they look down because they are wearing dead kittens.
    I say you market this to people who already have everything because I bet they don’t have this. THEN, if you like, donate all the profits to the homeless.

    Summer’s last blog post..Required classes require a new attitude

  36. That was my favorite nurserry rhyme!
    Hark hark the dogs to bark
    the king is fond of kittens
    he likes to take their insides out
    and use them for his mittens.
    The other was:
    Hark hark the dogs do bark
    the king is fond of froggies
    he likes to pull their flippers off
    and toss them to his doggies.
    I loved childhood- thanks for the reminder, the memories…

    lindasue’s last blog post..Guess "What the hell is that"? game! SUNDAY! Continue through preceding post to see answers.

  37. Oh hey, lookee there… sadly, it’s just not as cool a few days later, but… erm… good try?

  38. So, in Colorado we have a terrible overpopulation problem with prairie dogs… could I interest you in expanding your enterprise to include annoying rodents who cause traffic accidents? I’d be willing to bring it up at the next city council meeting.

    (On second thought, the city I live in is hippie central, and they’d probably burn me alive for even suggesting it before they’d hurt those rodents…)

  39. Are you crazy? You can’t use a breast pump to turn dead kittens inside out, they’re designed for liquids. First you’ll need to pump the kittens full of snake venom to liquify them, then suck out their insides.
    No, first make sure they’re dead.

  40. Seems like you could use that cat reversing breast pump to make some awesome sex toy for the fellas. You could call it the Furry Pussy. What do you think?

  41. I once tried using my retired breast pump for applying frosting on a cake. While it worked quickly and evenly, I couldn’t bring myself to actually eat the cake.

  42. In the history of philanthropy there may be more famous people than you, but fuck those guys…get famous for being philanthropists… douchebags.

    You however, are quietly godlike in your anonymity.

    Angora kittens should cost extra.

  43. See how unfair it all is, Jenny, cause if Martha Stewart had said that shit, it would have been hailed as the best thing since Oprah, and she’d have shown everyone how to do it by demonstrating it to Matt Lauer on the Today show… Yet, you come up with this brilliant idea (that the homeless of NY would be oh-so-grateful for) and you’ve got to deal with some bonehead that thinks he’s superior for not having to wipe his junk unless he poops… What the fuck is this world coming to?
    And… BTW, you have an award over on my site, cause reading your blog is totally becoming a great obsession of mine… you don’t mind blog-stalkers do you?

  44. Seems like you could use that cat reversing breast pump to make some awesome sex toy for the fellas. You could call it the Furry Pussy. What do you think?

    Like we’ve never seen a Furry Pussy before.

  45. My husband had a similar idea. My cat peed on the rug once and ever since then he says he wants to turn her inside out and use her as a sock. Except I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t care if she was already dead or not.

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..Kool Aid and Eco Nazi

  46. I believe the word “mitten” was invented to describe things we use to warm our hands solely for the purpose of one day creating the Kitten Mitten.

    This word has lain mysteriously dormant in our language for ages, waiting for the right genius to come along and make the connection, for the sake of our nation’s hand-chapped homeless. YOU are that genius.

    And you are fucking hilarious.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..A conversation with my kids: Just can’t let that slide

  47. This post totally reminded me of when I used to work at a building near the airport. They had a big problem with groundhogs… something about them getting on the runways or burrowing under the runways, or showing up drunk to fly the planes. Anyway, every few weeks a the airport grounds people (who usually just moved dirt from one side of the field to the other and back again) would show up with a gigantic vacuum and suck all the groundhogs right out of the ground.

    The public line was that they were being relocated. Uh, yeah – relocated to the incinerator, I suspect. What a waste… I bet they would have made great hats!

    Anna’s last blog post..Follow me…

  48. I don’t have any legal skills but if someone convened a grand jury to determine if ‘Casper the ghost’ was a pedophile I’d definitely have enough information to secure a conviction. That Casper fellow was one sick fuck.

  49. I’m pretty sure I heard that the reason that cats aren’t turned in to fur coats (other than the fact that they’d have to lie about it to sell them in N. America) is that their fur falls out too easily – that you’d end up with kitty leather instead of kitty fur lined.

  50. I hate to be the one to piss in the punch bowl but there is a serious flaw with the kitten mittens idea.

    Technically speaking they would be kitten GLOVES. Boy kittens for regular five fingered homeless people and girl kittens for those homeless people who’ve lost a digit somewhere along the way.

    I have a solution though. Use very young dead goats instead. Kid gloves! Even better I think!

    Ian Peatey’s last blog post..Insults, nonviolence and fish

  51. Well, first I want to point out that I’m not slow. I know this blog is like from January but I just discovered who you are and I’m following your blog backwards now.

    I guess that kinda makes you the Benjamin Button of blogs.

    Well, the actual reason I’m posting is to say WTF is with the “I only wipe my ass when I poop and am therefore superior behaviour”

    My bf and I had the same discussion the other day ’cause he was all like “Women always finish the toilet paper cause they use it for everything” in like a tone that was “I’m way awesomer than you ’cause I don’t need to wipe”

    Which got me thinking … If I were male I’d probably still wipe my junk before putting it back in my pants … I mean, how wrong would it feel not to?

    Or maybe I just think like that cause I am used to wiping ’cause I’ve been doing it all my life, and you haven’t been wiping your whole life then wiping would feel totally unnatural.

    Which made me think. Do people who have had ‘gender reassigning surgery’ feel odd about not wiping anymore? Are any of them secret wipers?


    Great blog btw

  52. OMG I barely made it through the first paragraph, I was laughing so hard I couldn’t read! Note to person who wanted to turn puppies inside out for slippers, if you kick them hard enough you don’t have to turn them inside out! Oh someone stole your idea for junk wipes I think they call them ShamWows.

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