Random Crap – Page 170

19 years is angry men making you feel bad about peeing.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and that means that Victor and I have been married for 19 years. 15 years was giant metal chickens and I think 17 years was when I rented that sloth and a tiny kangaroo to surprise Victor in our living room (he was very surprised) but I didn’t know what to doContinue reading “19 years is angry men making you feel bad about peeing.”

Jesus, Siri.

Victor and I were having an argument about why we say that a pig says “oink” when really they make that piggy snorting noise. I said it’s because the pigs snorty noise is impossible to spell but Victor disagreed so I turned to Siri and asked her for help: Jesus, Siri. You need toContinue reading “Jesus, Siri.”

It costs nothing to be kind. Probably.

People always say “It costs nothing to be kind” but technically it doesn’t cost anything to be a real asshole either, so I’m not sure why we’re bringing financials into it. It does, however, cost money to hire lawyers after you stab people you don’t like in the leg so maybe that should be theContinue reading “It costs nothing to be kind. Probably.”

Dinosaurs are making me feel fat and I haven’t even eaten any of them.

I’ve read that our universe is constantly expanding but that we can’t tell because we’re expanding with it and so we are get bigger at the same rate everything else does. So does that mean that if we traveled back into the past with a time machine that we might be bigger than the dinosaurs since they wereContinue reading “Dinosaurs are making me feel fat and I haven’t even eaten any of them.”

This is what I have instead of coworkers.

I sometimes miss having human coworkers to visit with over the tops of our cubicles and having people bring birthday cakes to the office, but I’ve learned to appreciate that my current coworkers (although very shitty at discussing pop-culture gossip) still manage to bring me a fair amount of office drama. Hunter S. Thomcat and DorothyContinue reading “This is what I have instead of coworkers.”

Eels up inside ya. Finding and entrance where they can.

So last night was bleak for me. Two people I adore are in a coma. Another is in the hospital. Another passed away. Everything in the news makes me want to punch people. My allergies are horrible and I don’t know if that’s what’s keeping me in bed or if it’s a touch of depression. Continue reading “Eels up inside ya. Finding and entrance where they can.”