stuff better left unpublished – Page 3

I think I need some vampire blood for my cat.

Conversation I had with Victor about our ancient cat, who I’ve had for almost my entire adult life, and who I suspect might be immortal: me: There’s something on Posey’s leg. Victor: Hmm. Is it Posey’s foot? me: It’s not a trick question. It sort of looks like he’s trying to grow an extra toe.Continue reading “I think I need some vampire blood for my cat.”

An open letter to lots of people I’ve accidentally offended

You know when you’re on twitter and someone sends you a DM about zombie gnomes, and then the next day you DM them back, saying: “That’s fucking hysterical. You made my whole morning!” And then you go to their actual public twitter stream and it’s all: “Thank you so much for all of your kindContinue reading “An open letter to lots of people I’ve accidentally offended”

I’d like to think that God would laugh at these.

I decided not to post this yesterday because I thought it would be too offensive, and so instead I posted about sugar, which was apparently a terrible idea. So instead I’m going to post the original post to distract people from my scandalous and heretical use of sugar limericks. Email conversation between myself and myContinue reading “I’d like to think that God would laugh at these.”

This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to work with people

Not long ago I got an email from Jane Pratt (creator of Sassy, Jane Magazine, and personal hero of mine since I was 12) who asked if I’d be a writer for her new website. After I stopped screaming I finally responded. This is the actual email I sent. It’s also proof that I need someoneContinue reading “This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to work with people”

Stop being an asshole, Target

Dear Target: I realize that you’re probably trying to be helpful by printing item descriptions on my reciept but I’m pretty sure the logical keyword for “BigSexyHairspray” should be “hairspray“. Not “sexy“. Otherwise when you’re fumbling for your keys and drop your receipt in the parking lot a well-meaning stranger will pick it up andContinue reading “Stop being an asshole, Target”

Dear internet: You have lost your damn mind. Never change.

If this is your first time here you should skip this post. Really. Go away until tomorrow. It’s one long run-on sentence and makes almost no sense and it’s filled with typos. I haven’t slept in two days. The last 36 hours has been strange even by my personal standards. First of all, after twoContinue reading “Dear internet: You have lost your damn mind. Never change.”