Category Archives: wow that’s good to know

So where do we go from here?

This post peppered with medicinal kittens because smarter people are writing better things so I’m doing this instead.

This was a lot of us the night of the election:

raw-4

If you’re like me you’ve been spending the last days feeling helpless and uncertain what to do.

200w_d

Some things are easy, like donating to causes that you feel are important and might get left behind.  Some are harder, like reaching out to people who are hurting even if you don’t know how to help and are afraid you’ll fuck it all up and make it worse.

A lot of us keep getting stuck in that place where we hate humanity and are ready to become hermits.

raw

Things feel upside down and scary.  Your emotions are valid.  It’s okay to be angry or scared or freaked out for yourself or for people you love.

raw-1

Practice self-care.  Take a walk.  Do some art.  Sit in the grass and drink a booze-slushie.  Read a book.  Watch Doctor Who.  Avoid the internet when it gets to be too much.

200w_d-1

There’s some crazy-ass bullshit out there and the craziest bullshit has the loudest voice.  Do not engage the crazy people.  Someone calling you the c word is not someone to be reasoned with.  Pick your battles.  There will be plenty.

raw-2

It’s going to hurt for awhile.  So much so that you might not have the strength to help yourself.  Ask for help.  You aren’t alone.  Sometimes you need help to pull yourself off the train tracks, and sometimes you’ll be the person pulling someone else off.  This is how we survive.

200w_d-2

Look for goodness.  There are so many people posting loving and caring responses or who are there to give hugs and protection.  There are so many more than you think.  Look for those glimmers of light.

raw-3

We may disagree on many things but I feel confident that anyone who is a member of this community wants safety, equality, justice and happiness for every minority group that is afraid today.  This is a safe place and that is a needed thing.  Thank you for providing that.

tenor-1

There are serious problems in the world today and writing a post filled with kitten gifs is fucking ridiculous.  But ridiculous is what I do best.  And kittens are the closest thing we have to medicinal marijuana in Texas so I’m working with what I have.

raw-8

Once you feel better though it will be time to turn your hand to making things better in a world that seems more divided than it ever has been.   Maybe it’s just smiling at everyone you meet.  Maybe it’s paying for the person behind you in the Starbucks drive-thru.  Maybe it’s donating to charities and organizations that help others who are struggling.  Maybe it’s just not screaming at people even though you really want to.  Maybe it’s letting people scream at you because you know they need space to vent.  Maybe it’s adopting a rescue animal and hiding away until you feel strong again, or volunteering at a hospital or homeless shelter.  Maybe it’s talking to your kids to ask if they’ve heard anyone being particularly cruel at school lately and making sure they know how to deal with it and how to report it.  Maybe it’s just ignoring this post and not writing something hateful about it even though you really, really want to.  Maybe it’s forgiving others or yourself.  Maybe it’s just continuing to breathe and not hurt yourself or others.  Those are all big things.

raw-10

Whatever it is, I’m grateful.  It starts small.  It starts with us.  Me and you.

tenor-2

PS. Back to non-political stuff next week.  Promise.  Also, my last post was political and had over 400 comments and so far they are overwhelmingly compassionate and empathetic and encouraging.  That’s a small miracle, you guys, but it’s one we keep pulling off.  Thank you for being amazing and being a safe place for so many of us.

raw-11

PPS.  Happy Veterans Day.  Thank you to all those who serve to protect us.  I hope we can protect you right back.

“Simmer down now” ~ Back-up Buddy Bobcat

Conversation at the thrift store:

me: Dude.  I think I might need that stuffed bobcat.

Victor:  Just keep walking.

me:  Look at his paw.  It’s like he’s saying, “YOU GUYS?  TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH, OK?  JUST SIMMER DOWN.”

Victor:  Hm.

me:  We could carry him around in the trunk and you could pull him out to use as your supportive buddy to help you convince me not to do something stupid.

Victor:  I’m fairly certain that buying that bobcat would send the wrong message.

Ignore the photobomber on the right.

Ignore the photobomber on the right.

Clerk:  I can give you a huge discount on it if you want him.  He’s falling apart.

me:  I just don’t know.  It sort of looks like he wants me to calm down, but it also sort of looks like he’s leaning on an invisible bar.  Like a really shitty mime.

Victor: Do whatever you want.  It’s not that bad.

me:  That’s sort of the problem.  It’s not bad enough.

Clerk:  I’m confused.

Victor:  Welcome to my world, sir.

Ps.  I did not buy the bobcat, but I took a picture of him and then later I thought, “OH MY GOD.  I could put a trucker’s hat on him and call him ‘Little Smokey’ and have him lean out of the car window like ‘Hey there, big mama.  What’s your 10-4?‘ and no one would ever bother me at red lights because who is going to fuck with a girl being defended by her pet bobcat?  No one, that’s who.  But when I went back to the store, the bobcat was sold and I was a little upset, but Victor was all, “Calm down.”  And I was like, “THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT LITTLE SMOKEY WOULD HAVE SAID IF HE WAS HERE.”

And that’s when I learned that the time to buy a used, almost free bobcat is when you see one.  Let that be a lesson to you.

 

Your zombie armor has some serious design flaws.

My friend Shauna sent me a link to this:

It’s basically a nightstand that doubles as a shield and bat for fighting zombies.  And it will totally fucking get you killed.

No. Just no.

I mean, I applaud the concept but as soon as you pull out the bat you’re left with a giant exposed nail sticking out of the floor which you will immediately step on because it’s night-time and you can’t even walk across the room without stubbing your toe on something even when there aren’t zombies all over your house and then you’re going to bleed all over the floor and then you’re doubly fucked because you know when someone asks if you want the last orange and you say no because you aren’t hungry but then as soon as they cut into it you smell the citrusy juices inside and then you decide that you totally do want that orange?  Exactly. You just became the orange. Plus, now you’re distracted because you have a nightstand base stuck in your foot like you’re some sort of terrible shish-kabob. Honestly, it’s like zombies fucking designed this table.

And even if you do manage to kill the zombies and run out of your house you’ll still have blood pouring from your shoe and then I’m totally going to shoot you with my riot gun because I can’t see that well from my roof and I’m going to assume that you got bit in the foot and I just want to put you out of your misery before you turn into a zombie because I’m thoughtful that way. And then I’ll yell out “STOP SCREAMING.  I’M DOING THIS FOR YOU.  YOU’RE WELCOME” and that will be the last thing that you ever hear.  Plus, then I’ll probably go to hell because I’m pretty sure you get forgiven for shooting an almost-zombie from your roof but I think if you shoot someone who just accidentally stepped on a nail that counts as murder no matter well-intentioned you are.  I don’t know.  I haven’t gotten to the zombie part in the Bible yet.  I imagine it’s probably a mortal sin though.  At best it’s hard to defend.  So basically now we’re all fucked.  Nice job, asshole.  Maybe stop being so inconsiderate with your poor choice in zombie furniture and instead keep a riot gun strapped to your roof like the rest of us.

PS. I think I’ve had too many energy drinks today but this is all still valid advice.

Comment of the day:  Yeah…No. I’m just going to continue sleeping with a chainsaw under my bed. Also, there’s a surprise twist in the Bible. Turns out *Jesus* is a zombie. That’s why we have Easter. ~ Beckles

Men don’t understand science.

This was supposed to be a post about how awesome towels are but then my cat Rolly fucked it all up.  I was going to share my discovery about how if you wrap your hair up in a tight towel-turban when you’re upside down after a shower it pulls your face-skin back so it’s all taut and you look like you just had a mini-face-lift which is cool because you can combat the I-feel-vulnerable-because don’t-have-any-make-up-on problem with the but-I-do-have-a-youthful-fake-face-lift thing, but then when I was setting up my camera my cat jumped on my head.  And technically she does that almost every morning but this particular morning I was trying to document my towel discovery and it was fucking up the whole look, but then I noticed that the weight of the cat body actually pulled the towel further back and made the face-lift thing even more dramatic.  Which was kind of great except that she’s so fat that she sqwooshed my neck so I looked even less swan-like than usual but then I thought maybe it was an okay trade-off because her height gave me the illusion of being taller (which is slimming) so then I was totally conflicted and so I went and asked Victor, “Be honest…does does this cat make me look fatter…or younger?” and he just kind of stared at me and I’m all “Seriously, this is not a trick question.  This is for science.”  And then he was all “You know, you’re the reason why that damn cat jumps on everyone’s head.  If you’d stop letting her ride around like that we’d have a lot less people complaining that our cat attacked their head” and then I was all “I’m not even going to talk to you while you’re being ridiculous” and I walked away because Victor’s mother doesn’t count as “everyone” and besides, the cat was probably just trying to make her look younger.  Or fatter.  Hard to tell with cats.

PS.   This is exactly why I keep a tripod set up in my bathroom.  And also, it makes people take faster showers because they never know if the camera is going to go off.  So I’m saving water and inventing beauty tips.  And also I’m making cats more useful.  You’re welcome, America.

I showed this picture to Victor and he was all "Is that my toothbrush?!" like *that's* the pertinent issue. Victor needs to get his priorities straightened out. And also have no idea if that's his toothbrush. I'm way to busy doing science to pay attention to trivial shit like that.

Comment of the day: Clearly, to activate the scientific part of your brain you need a cat to sit on it. That’s why Einstein’s hair was so fucked up.  He didn’t want people to see the cat.  He wanted all the credit. ~ a

My biggest qualification for writing an advice column is the fact that someone gave me an advice column.

Holy crap, y’all.  I have my first real writing gig.  Writing an advice column. That just happened.

It’s for this company called PNN and I think it’s like CNN for chicks.  I’m afraid to ask what the P stands for.  All I know is that in spite of many, many emails letting them know what a horrible mistake they were making they were still all “Meh.  What’s the worst you could do?”

Me:  Hey!  I made a banner for the advice column:

PNN: Wow.  Let’s hold off on that one for a week or so.

Me:  I’m working on my first post.  You’re probably going to get sued.

PNN: We scoff at lawsuits.

Me:  I’d like to get paid in monkeys.

PNN:  We will give you several t-shirts with your face on them.

Me:  Can I have one with a big picture of me on it and it’ll just say “Why yes, actually.  I *am* wearing my own shirt.”?

PNN:  You are very weird.  Surprisingly, we still want to work with you.

This is probably going to be a disaster awesome.  Now someone please come over here and ask me for advice or else I will stab one of you in the ankle.

Comment of the day: I’m just gonna post questions that refer to your most outrageous blogs. Dear Ask the Bloggess on PNN – Does Jesus care what I do with my husband’s semen? Dear Ask the Blogess on PNN – Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever had sex? etc.etc. Then you can just post your entries over again — I’m just saving you time. I’M HELPING YOU.  ~ emmysuh

Saving the world is hard, y’all

I know this might come as a shock to some of you but last night I had a revelation and it will change the way I write.  I was outside contemplating the sunset when I realized the pure perfection of the world and my place in it.  That’s why starting today I will no longer be using profanity and all of my jokes will come with a moral.  Like this one I just made up:

“Knock-knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Jesus.”

“Jesus who?”

“EXACTLY, asshole.  Maybe you should go to church every once in awhile.”

And the good thing about this joke is that you can actually use it on strangers when you’re doing missionary work so it works on two levels.  Also I have this other joke about repenting where it’s all “What happens if you don’t ‘pent’ enough?  You have to RE-pent” but before I get to the punchline everyone’s all “Wait.  What does ‘pent’ mean?” and it messes up my flow and so then no one laughs and I’m all “YOU KNOW WHAT?  FINE.  It’s pretty obvious you don’t love Jesus at all.  We’re done with you”  Then I make a big deal of writing their name down on my list of people that I will ask God to curse with gonorrhea.  Of the face.  That way we’ll know who they are by sight and can shun them.  So, you know…get your shunning boots on.

Comment of the day: No, really, Jesus Who? ~ Aprylsantics